The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 9 - I, Candy - full transcript
Doug's ego gets busted when he gets checked out by a waitress.
Who are these kids?
What kids?
In this picture.
I don't know. I thought
you put them up.
No.
Well, they probably came
in a Christmas
card or something.
They don't even look familiar.
Nope.
They look happy, though.
The boy's got the
little car there.
Yeah, they... They seem nice.
Hmm.
Okay, let's throw them out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You can't throw out kids.
Why not?
What if their parents come by?
So we have to keep a picture
up on our refrigerator
of kids we don't know
on the off chance
that their parents,
who we can't remember, will
come by and be offended?
Are they hurting
anyone up there?
Fine.
But I'm putting them
under a big magnet.
I'm thinking about, uh,
starting to use a washcloth.
Carrie got, like, a whole
bunch of new ones, you know?
I'm usually, like, a
soap-to-skin guy.
I don't know, I might go for it.
Mm. Good luck with that.
Hey there. I thought you
guys might like a refill
on your iced teas.
I love a waitress who's
on top of the refills.
On a slightly related note,
I'm gonna go use the rest room.
Well...
guess you liked your
potato skins, huh?
Ah...
actually, I like any food
that comes in a basket.
That, or anything with
one of those, like,
little toothpick flags in it.
What I'm basically saying
is don't take me to a
French restaurant.
Can I get you anything else?
Because my shift is almost over.
No, I'm... I'm good.
Oh, okay.
So I'll just leave
the check over here,
and...
you can stay as
long as you like.
Okay. I'll lock up when I go.
Okay, well, bye.
Bye.
Well...
that was interesting.
What was?
Our waitress just asked me
about your situation.
Nice work, my man.
Oh, we better get going.
I've gotta get back...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did you just say?
She asked about your situation.
I think she has a little thing for you.
Come on.
Hey, you know what?
First of all,
stop getting up.
Now, I want you to tell
me exactly what she said,
and I want you to tell
me very, very slowly.
Okay, okay. Fine.
She said, uh, she
thought you were cute,
or a cutie. And then...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which one?
I don't remember.
Well, they're very different.
Remember.
Cute. She said you were cute.
All right. That's the good one.
What are you getting
so worked up about?
You're not gonna do anything.
Of course I'm not
gonna do anything.
What else did she say?
She said you were
cute, and, oh...
And funny.
Cute and funny?
Oh, my God,
I'm the whole package for her.
Can we go now?
Yeah, we can.
Although she said I could
stay as long as I like.
Look at this.
Note on the check.
We have a note.
Oh, things just keep
getting better.
"Baskets rule.
Jill."
We had this whole little
thing going with baskets.
Sounds magical.
♪ She was working
As a waitress ♪
♪ In a cocktail bar
♪ That much is true
♪ Oh, don't you want me?
♪ You know I can't believe it ♪
♪ When you say That
you don't need me ♪
♪ Oh, don't you want me?
Hey.
Hello.
I'm on the phone with Kelly.
We're trying to figure
out which movie to see.
You're wearing trousers?
Yeah.
Trousers. Slacks.
Fancy pants.
Did you lose all your jeans?
No. I just felt like
kicking it up a notch.
Well, now you're dressed
better than me.
I have to change.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, Kel, I'm still
here, sweetie.
Doug is wearing nice pants.
I know. It's weird.
I don't know. Let me ask him.
They want to see The Prosecutor.
I saw it with Spence.
How about Freeze?
Um, what about Freeze?
Well... ask Deacon.
I'll hold on.
Honey, I don't want
to see Freeze.
Why not?
A whole movie
set in a futuristic ice world?
I'm not into it.
Plus I don't like Rosie Perez.
Whoa.
You wearing cologne?
Yeah. I picked some
up on the way home.
I think I'm gonna start
smelling better.
Well, I hope you don't need
to sneak up on anybody.
Hey!
Not nice. Come on.
What is up with you tonight?
What? Can't a guy
be in a good mood?
Handsome man going out on a
date with his beautiful wife.
Uh-huh. Get your groove on.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Oh, really?
Deacon saw Freeze.
So I'll see The
Prosecutor again.
You don't want to see it again.
It's all right. I'll take
a bullet for the group.
Oh, yeah, I'd see that. Okay.
What about, uh, Population Zero?
Population, me.
I think he just said yes.
Okay. We'll meet you
at the Midway at 8:00.
Okay, sweetie. Bye.
Good evening.
Well, you kids look nice.
What, are you
getting on a plane?
Just going to see a movie.
Ah, the cinema.
America's ongoing love affair
with the motion picture.
Do you, uh, you have
any plans, Dad?
Oh, well, I did have plans
with my friend Len,
but he's having chest pains.
On the bright side,
now I have a chance
to put the soy sauce packets
into one larger bottle.
Have a nice night.
Would you like to join us?
Well, this is pretty
last-minute, but sure, why not?
What are you seeing?
Population Zero.
Seen it.
How you doing?
Hey...
Slow your roll, player.
Why won't you listen to me?
This is a lousy movie!
We're seeing it, Dad.
I'll tell you the surprise
ending right now.
Do it, and I'll give
you a surprise ending.
So noted.
Hey, babe, you want popcorn?
Yes, thank you.
We'll get seats.
What you got on?
Cologne?
Yeah. It's, uh, Drakkar.
It's a citrusy, masculine scent.
I know what Drakkar is.
I wore it in high school.
Hey there.
Large pop-corny-corn
and a mineral water,
por favor.
All right. Food in a bucket,
you know what I'm saying?
You know.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Chest Pains.
What?
The man who couldn't
go out tonight
because he had chest pains
is sitting four
rows ahead of us.
Excuse me.
Take care of business, Dad.
So I heard your boy got a
little compliment today.
Huh?
Deacon told me what
happened at Cooper's.
Doug didn't tell you?
No.
Apparently some
new, cute waitress
asked about his situation.
Oh, really?
Oh, so that's why he's
been acting like this.
Huh.
Okay, trouser man.
Claims he felt better
and he tried to call me.
Hah! Like I'm supposed
to believe that?
Lennie!
Enjoy the movie.
By the way, the lab chief
turns out to be a robot,
and the bomb is inside him!
Aww! Shh! Shut up!
Hey.
Hey.
There you go, sweetie. Thanks.
Here you are, sweet thing.
No... you're the sweet thing.
So, what's up? No candy?
Nah. I just got a mineral water.
I'm gonna try and drop a few.
Uh-huh.
Good for you.
PREVIEW ANNOUNCER: In war,
sometimes the first to die
are the ones who
least deserve to.
WOMAN: My baby!
My baby!
Doug...
A baby just exploded.
Why are you smiling?
I'm not. I'm not. It's sad.
WOMAN: Kill me too!
Kill me too,
you bastards!
How was that?
It was fantastic.
Ow!
What the hell is that for?
Kelly told me about your little
thing with the waitress.
We're you planning
on telling me?
I don't know, uh...
You're not jealous, are you?
No. It has nothing
to do with the girl.
It's you. Obviously this thing
has turned your whole
world upside down.
What? It has not.
Oh, please. The nice
pants, the cologne,
the great sex.
Oh...
first of all, the sex
was not that good.
You were great.
I disagree. Doug...
Look, I was... My
moves were clumsy,
I was all over the place.
I was out of control.
How you got any pleasure out
of it is a complete mystery.
Come on, you were good.
Just admit it.
Just admit that you were good.
I was all right.
I was pretty good.
Ow!
Look, I don't feel
like I have anything
to apologize for here, Carrie.
All right, a woman
was attracted to me.
You know I would
never act on it.
So what? You know, it made
me feel good about myself.
I slapped on some cologne and
made you wake the neighbors.
Big deal.
Doug, how do you think
that makes me feel?
I mean, I'm attracted to you.
I married you.
I promised to love you
until the day I die.
Why doesn't any of that
make you walk around
with a stupid grin on your face?
Because you're already a given.
You know? You're already...
part of the wonderful tapestry
that is my life.
So that's what I am?
I'm tapestry?
Tapestry is good.
It's woven on a loom.
You know? Loom, you understand?
Loom?
No, I don't understand, Doug.
I mean, you don't see
me acting like this,
and believe me, I could.
Strangers check me
out all the time.
I get my ass touched on
the subway every day.
Well, then, you should wash
your ass when you get home.
Okay.
My point is,
it has no effect on me.
Yeah, that's because it
happens to you all the time.
I never get my ass
touched on the subway.
Well, you know what?
Hello! Got my ass touched
on the subway of life.
And it is a big deal to me.
Fine. You know what?
If a stupid little comment
from some bimbo waitress
gets you all revved up,
then God bless.
Oh, I... I see how it works.
Because it's me, it's just gotta
be some stupid little comment,
right? Yeah?
Well, then why did she take the
time to leave a note, huh?
A note?
Yeah, on the check. Yeah. Note.
And what did this
little note say,
"Way to eat"?
No. You're way off.
It said, "Baskets rule. Jill."
Then she drew a
little smiley face.
Ooh. A smiley face.
That mean Jill happy.
I... I don't want to talk
about this anymore, Carrie.
If you can't be supportive
about another woman liking me,
then this conversation's over.
Fine. You know what?
Go out there and get
your little compliments,
your little smiley faces.
You know what? Enjoy them.
Why don't you start dressing
a little bit more
provocatively, huh?
Show a little cleavage?
Yeah, maybe I will.
Well, great!
You know what? I'm a
delicious piece of man meat,
and you're just gonna have
to learn to deal with it.
I'm electric.
DEACON: Come on, man, what
are we doing back here?
We're getting some burgers,
we're gonna watch the
Florida-Nebraska game.
That's what we're doing here.
Is she working today?
I don't know. I didn't
make this week's schedule.
Oh, here we go. Showtime.
Yah.
I think I'm going for the ribs.
Oh, yeah? You think you're
going for the ribs?
You into the ribs?
You're doing rib-eyes?
You gonna do the ribs? The ribs.
Give me a little high
five on the rib-eye!
You wanna high-five ribs?
No, I don't wanna high-five ribs.
Wachakata!
You, Steve, what's up, man?
Stevie! You freak show,
what are you doing?
You drinking beer over there?
I have those pants too.
Got the same...
Hey there. I'll be
right with you.
"Right with you"?
That's all I get?
It's like I'm just a customer.
You are just a customer.
She asked about my situation.
And I told her you were married.
Excuse me. Am I not still cute?
Am I not still funny?
I'm sorry to make you wait,
but it's crazy in here today.
What can I get you?
I'll have the ribs and a Coke.
Okay. And for you?
I'll, uh, have a
burger and fries.
And, uh... Hey, make sure
it comes in a basket.
Oh, yeah, right.
Remember? Because baskets rule.
They rule.
I... I don't get this.
What did you expect to happen?
I don't know. Carrie was just so...
about the whole thing,
like... no hot girl
could ever be into me,
that I just want to...
come down here and...
And what?
I don't know. Prove to myself
that I still got the juice,
the heat, the yuspa-a-a...
Okay, now she's laughing
with an ugly guy.
What the hell is
this crap about?
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Where you going?
I'm gonna see if he got a note.
Hey, man, did you get
overcharged for your soda?
Because we did, and, uh...
"Happy mozzarella trails"?
"Jill"?
Note slut.
CARRIE: Okay.
Which one of these skankaroos
do you think is Jill?
I cannot wait to
see this winner.
She's gonna be bru-tal.
Oh, oh, maybe that's her.
Oh, no, no. That's not her.
She's been here for a while.
Although she is a skankaroo.
Oh.
What about her? Her.
Hello.
We can see your pantylines.
Okay?
Little tip... invest in
a full-length mirror,
and turn around in it.
Oh, stop it.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Hi. I'm Jill.
Wow. You are really attractive.
Oh, thank you.
Um, are you guys ready to order?
No, don't think we are, Jill.
Why don't you write
someone a note
with a little smiley face on it,
and then maybe I'll be ready.
Okay?
Okay. Um...
just let me know.
Wow! Did you see the
attitude on that one?
Out of control.
Wow!
I actually thought she
was pretty sweet.
Sweet, huh?
Oh, I see she's cast
her little spell
on you, too, now, hmm?
Girl, you gotta stop now.
No. I don't need to stop.
I am fine.
You are not fine.
You're right. I'm not.
Why am I not?
I'm not sure. You know Doug
is not gonna fool around, right?
Of course not.
So, what is it?
Everything was fine until
he got checked out.
Why did he have to
get checked out?
Why is that such a problem?
Because, you know,
Doug was always, like,
the funny one, you know?
The guy who makes everybody
laugh at parties.
And I was the one who
got checked out.
Now he's getting
checked out too?
I mean, he's got it all!
So you're unhappy because your
husband is funny and hot?
Yes.
Douglas, hello.
Hey.
Why so glum, chum?
Long story.
Well, fortunately, I
have nowhere to be
for the next eight
and a half days.
Ah...
I'm just an idiot.
Some waitress asked
about my "situation,"
so for a day I was
walking around here
like I was hot crap.
Ah, it's a powerful tonic
when a member of the fairer sex
casts an admiring glance
in your direction.
Big knockers?
Don't feel too badly, Douglas.
The same thing
happened to me once.
Really?
Sure.
Many years ago I was at a party
where I encountered a
beautiful young starlet.
She had just finished
shooting Picnic
with William Holden.
She played...
"Girl with Watermelon."
I think you know who
I'm talking about.
Sorry. I have no idea.
Oh, you'll know when
I say the name...
Phyllis McCrane?
Still nothing.
One of the McCrane sisters?
Oh, yeah. Phyllis
and the other one.
The other two. The other two.
Right.
Well, anyway, it seems as though
Phyllis was flirting with me
throughout the entire party.
Oh, but she wasn't.
Oh, she certainly was.
We wound up making love
in her beach house
till the sun came up.
Why are you telling me this?
It's not even close to
what happened to me.
Hey! Just because you whiffed,
don't take it out on me!
Hey, sexy.
Yeah, I am, okay?
What, exactly, about me does it for you?
What lights you up?
What is it, that I can
burp on command, or...
the way my stomach jiggles
when I brush my teeth?
What happened to you?
You were... You were right.
You know?
I was back down at Cooper's,
and that... That waitress
wouldn't even look at me.
She couldn't have cared less.
I got no heat. I got no juice.
I got nothing.
Doug, I wasn't right.
You were.
No. I was wrong.
I bet the only reason why
Jill isn't into you anymore
is because she knows
you're married.
You're off the market.
Ah...
Doug, you are hot.
People ask about
you all the time.
Like who?
A secretary from my office.
Andrea?
No. Jeff.
What?
Jeff?
Yes! Gay people
have great taste.
They're very body conscious.
It's all about the
body for them.
That's true.
Mm-hmm.
So... why don't we both admit
that we, uh, we got a
little carried away and...
and just move on?
Okay, you're right. I love you.
Mm.
I love you too, sweetheart.
Mmm! Mmm!
So...
What exactly did Jeff say?
WOMAN: You've reached
the McCrane sisters.
♪ Phyllis ♪ Vivien
♪ Theodora
ALL: ♪ Leave a message
at the be-e-ep ♪
ARTHUR: Phyllis,
it's Biffy Spooner
from 44 years ago.
Give me a ringy-ding back.
What kids?
In this picture.
I don't know. I thought
you put them up.
No.
Well, they probably came
in a Christmas
card or something.
They don't even look familiar.
Nope.
They look happy, though.
The boy's got the
little car there.
Yeah, they... They seem nice.
Hmm.
Okay, let's throw them out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You can't throw out kids.
Why not?
What if their parents come by?
So we have to keep a picture
up on our refrigerator
of kids we don't know
on the off chance
that their parents,
who we can't remember, will
come by and be offended?
Are they hurting
anyone up there?
Fine.
But I'm putting them
under a big magnet.
I'm thinking about, uh,
starting to use a washcloth.
Carrie got, like, a whole
bunch of new ones, you know?
I'm usually, like, a
soap-to-skin guy.
I don't know, I might go for it.
Mm. Good luck with that.
Hey there. I thought you
guys might like a refill
on your iced teas.
I love a waitress who's
on top of the refills.
On a slightly related note,
I'm gonna go use the rest room.
Well...
guess you liked your
potato skins, huh?
Ah...
actually, I like any food
that comes in a basket.
That, or anything with
one of those, like,
little toothpick flags in it.
What I'm basically saying
is don't take me to a
French restaurant.
Can I get you anything else?
Because my shift is almost over.
No, I'm... I'm good.
Oh, okay.
So I'll just leave
the check over here,
and...
you can stay as
long as you like.
Okay. I'll lock up when I go.
Okay, well, bye.
Bye.
Well...
that was interesting.
What was?
Our waitress just asked me
about your situation.
Nice work, my man.
Oh, we better get going.
I've gotta get back...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did you just say?
She asked about your situation.
I think she has a little thing for you.
Come on.
Hey, you know what?
First of all,
stop getting up.
Now, I want you to tell
me exactly what she said,
and I want you to tell
me very, very slowly.
Okay, okay. Fine.
She said, uh, she
thought you were cute,
or a cutie. And then...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which one?
I don't remember.
Well, they're very different.
Remember.
Cute. She said you were cute.
All right. That's the good one.
What are you getting
so worked up about?
You're not gonna do anything.
Of course I'm not
gonna do anything.
What else did she say?
She said you were
cute, and, oh...
And funny.
Cute and funny?
Oh, my God,
I'm the whole package for her.
Can we go now?
Yeah, we can.
Although she said I could
stay as long as I like.
Look at this.
Note on the check.
We have a note.
Oh, things just keep
getting better.
"Baskets rule.
Jill."
We had this whole little
thing going with baskets.
Sounds magical.
♪ She was working
As a waitress ♪
♪ In a cocktail bar
♪ That much is true
♪ Oh, don't you want me?
♪ You know I can't believe it ♪
♪ When you say That
you don't need me ♪
♪ Oh, don't you want me?
Hey.
Hello.
I'm on the phone with Kelly.
We're trying to figure
out which movie to see.
You're wearing trousers?
Yeah.
Trousers. Slacks.
Fancy pants.
Did you lose all your jeans?
No. I just felt like
kicking it up a notch.
Well, now you're dressed
better than me.
I have to change.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, Kel, I'm still
here, sweetie.
Doug is wearing nice pants.
I know. It's weird.
I don't know. Let me ask him.
They want to see The Prosecutor.
I saw it with Spence.
How about Freeze?
Um, what about Freeze?
Well... ask Deacon.
I'll hold on.
Honey, I don't want
to see Freeze.
Why not?
A whole movie
set in a futuristic ice world?
I'm not into it.
Plus I don't like Rosie Perez.
Whoa.
You wearing cologne?
Yeah. I picked some
up on the way home.
I think I'm gonna start
smelling better.
Well, I hope you don't need
to sneak up on anybody.
Hey!
Not nice. Come on.
What is up with you tonight?
What? Can't a guy
be in a good mood?
Handsome man going out on a
date with his beautiful wife.
Uh-huh. Get your groove on.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Oh, really?
Deacon saw Freeze.
So I'll see The
Prosecutor again.
You don't want to see it again.
It's all right. I'll take
a bullet for the group.
Oh, yeah, I'd see that. Okay.
What about, uh, Population Zero?
Population, me.
I think he just said yes.
Okay. We'll meet you
at the Midway at 8:00.
Okay, sweetie. Bye.
Good evening.
Well, you kids look nice.
What, are you
getting on a plane?
Just going to see a movie.
Ah, the cinema.
America's ongoing love affair
with the motion picture.
Do you, uh, you have
any plans, Dad?
Oh, well, I did have plans
with my friend Len,
but he's having chest pains.
On the bright side,
now I have a chance
to put the soy sauce packets
into one larger bottle.
Have a nice night.
Would you like to join us?
Well, this is pretty
last-minute, but sure, why not?
What are you seeing?
Population Zero.
Seen it.
How you doing?
Hey...
Slow your roll, player.
Why won't you listen to me?
This is a lousy movie!
We're seeing it, Dad.
I'll tell you the surprise
ending right now.
Do it, and I'll give
you a surprise ending.
So noted.
Hey, babe, you want popcorn?
Yes, thank you.
We'll get seats.
What you got on?
Cologne?
Yeah. It's, uh, Drakkar.
It's a citrusy, masculine scent.
I know what Drakkar is.
I wore it in high school.
Hey there.
Large pop-corny-corn
and a mineral water,
por favor.
All right. Food in a bucket,
you know what I'm saying?
You know.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Chest Pains.
What?
The man who couldn't
go out tonight
because he had chest pains
is sitting four
rows ahead of us.
Excuse me.
Take care of business, Dad.
So I heard your boy got a
little compliment today.
Huh?
Deacon told me what
happened at Cooper's.
Doug didn't tell you?
No.
Apparently some
new, cute waitress
asked about his situation.
Oh, really?
Oh, so that's why he's
been acting like this.
Huh.
Okay, trouser man.
Claims he felt better
and he tried to call me.
Hah! Like I'm supposed
to believe that?
Lennie!
Enjoy the movie.
By the way, the lab chief
turns out to be a robot,
and the bomb is inside him!
Aww! Shh! Shut up!
Hey.
Hey.
There you go, sweetie. Thanks.
Here you are, sweet thing.
No... you're the sweet thing.
So, what's up? No candy?
Nah. I just got a mineral water.
I'm gonna try and drop a few.
Uh-huh.
Good for you.
PREVIEW ANNOUNCER: In war,
sometimes the first to die
are the ones who
least deserve to.
WOMAN: My baby!
My baby!
Doug...
A baby just exploded.
Why are you smiling?
I'm not. I'm not. It's sad.
WOMAN: Kill me too!
Kill me too,
you bastards!
How was that?
It was fantastic.
Ow!
What the hell is that for?
Kelly told me about your little
thing with the waitress.
We're you planning
on telling me?
I don't know, uh...
You're not jealous, are you?
No. It has nothing
to do with the girl.
It's you. Obviously this thing
has turned your whole
world upside down.
What? It has not.
Oh, please. The nice
pants, the cologne,
the great sex.
Oh...
first of all, the sex
was not that good.
You were great.
I disagree. Doug...
Look, I was... My
moves were clumsy,
I was all over the place.
I was out of control.
How you got any pleasure out
of it is a complete mystery.
Come on, you were good.
Just admit it.
Just admit that you were good.
I was all right.
I was pretty good.
Ow!
Look, I don't feel
like I have anything
to apologize for here, Carrie.
All right, a woman
was attracted to me.
You know I would
never act on it.
So what? You know, it made
me feel good about myself.
I slapped on some cologne and
made you wake the neighbors.
Big deal.
Doug, how do you think
that makes me feel?
I mean, I'm attracted to you.
I married you.
I promised to love you
until the day I die.
Why doesn't any of that
make you walk around
with a stupid grin on your face?
Because you're already a given.
You know? You're already...
part of the wonderful tapestry
that is my life.
So that's what I am?
I'm tapestry?
Tapestry is good.
It's woven on a loom.
You know? Loom, you understand?
Loom?
No, I don't understand, Doug.
I mean, you don't see
me acting like this,
and believe me, I could.
Strangers check me
out all the time.
I get my ass touched on
the subway every day.
Well, then, you should wash
your ass when you get home.
Okay.
My point is,
it has no effect on me.
Yeah, that's because it
happens to you all the time.
I never get my ass
touched on the subway.
Well, you know what?
Hello! Got my ass touched
on the subway of life.
And it is a big deal to me.
Fine. You know what?
If a stupid little comment
from some bimbo waitress
gets you all revved up,
then God bless.
Oh, I... I see how it works.
Because it's me, it's just gotta
be some stupid little comment,
right? Yeah?
Well, then why did she take the
time to leave a note, huh?
A note?
Yeah, on the check. Yeah. Note.
And what did this
little note say,
"Way to eat"?
No. You're way off.
It said, "Baskets rule. Jill."
Then she drew a
little smiley face.
Ooh. A smiley face.
That mean Jill happy.
I... I don't want to talk
about this anymore, Carrie.
If you can't be supportive
about another woman liking me,
then this conversation's over.
Fine. You know what?
Go out there and get
your little compliments,
your little smiley faces.
You know what? Enjoy them.
Why don't you start dressing
a little bit more
provocatively, huh?
Show a little cleavage?
Yeah, maybe I will.
Well, great!
You know what? I'm a
delicious piece of man meat,
and you're just gonna have
to learn to deal with it.
I'm electric.
DEACON: Come on, man, what
are we doing back here?
We're getting some burgers,
we're gonna watch the
Florida-Nebraska game.
That's what we're doing here.
Is she working today?
I don't know. I didn't
make this week's schedule.
Oh, here we go. Showtime.
Yah.
I think I'm going for the ribs.
Oh, yeah? You think you're
going for the ribs?
You into the ribs?
You're doing rib-eyes?
You gonna do the ribs? The ribs.
Give me a little high
five on the rib-eye!
You wanna high-five ribs?
No, I don't wanna high-five ribs.
Wachakata!
You, Steve, what's up, man?
Stevie! You freak show,
what are you doing?
You drinking beer over there?
I have those pants too.
Got the same...
Hey there. I'll be
right with you.
"Right with you"?
That's all I get?
It's like I'm just a customer.
You are just a customer.
She asked about my situation.
And I told her you were married.
Excuse me. Am I not still cute?
Am I not still funny?
I'm sorry to make you wait,
but it's crazy in here today.
What can I get you?
I'll have the ribs and a Coke.
Okay. And for you?
I'll, uh, have a
burger and fries.
And, uh... Hey, make sure
it comes in a basket.
Oh, yeah, right.
Remember? Because baskets rule.
They rule.
I... I don't get this.
What did you expect to happen?
I don't know. Carrie was just so...
about the whole thing,
like... no hot girl
could ever be into me,
that I just want to...
come down here and...
And what?
I don't know. Prove to myself
that I still got the juice,
the heat, the yuspa-a-a...
Okay, now she's laughing
with an ugly guy.
What the hell is
this crap about?
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Where you going?
I'm gonna see if he got a note.
Hey, man, did you get
overcharged for your soda?
Because we did, and, uh...
"Happy mozzarella trails"?
"Jill"?
Note slut.
CARRIE: Okay.
Which one of these skankaroos
do you think is Jill?
I cannot wait to
see this winner.
She's gonna be bru-tal.
Oh, oh, maybe that's her.
Oh, no, no. That's not her.
She's been here for a while.
Although she is a skankaroo.
Oh.
What about her? Her.
Hello.
We can see your pantylines.
Okay?
Little tip... invest in
a full-length mirror,
and turn around in it.
Oh, stop it.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Hi. I'm Jill.
Wow. You are really attractive.
Oh, thank you.
Um, are you guys ready to order?
No, don't think we are, Jill.
Why don't you write
someone a note
with a little smiley face on it,
and then maybe I'll be ready.
Okay?
Okay. Um...
just let me know.
Wow! Did you see the
attitude on that one?
Out of control.
Wow!
I actually thought she
was pretty sweet.
Sweet, huh?
Oh, I see she's cast
her little spell
on you, too, now, hmm?
Girl, you gotta stop now.
No. I don't need to stop.
I am fine.
You are not fine.
You're right. I'm not.
Why am I not?
I'm not sure. You know Doug
is not gonna fool around, right?
Of course not.
So, what is it?
Everything was fine until
he got checked out.
Why did he have to
get checked out?
Why is that such a problem?
Because, you know,
Doug was always, like,
the funny one, you know?
The guy who makes everybody
laugh at parties.
And I was the one who
got checked out.
Now he's getting
checked out too?
I mean, he's got it all!
So you're unhappy because your
husband is funny and hot?
Yes.
Douglas, hello.
Hey.
Why so glum, chum?
Long story.
Well, fortunately, I
have nowhere to be
for the next eight
and a half days.
Ah...
I'm just an idiot.
Some waitress asked
about my "situation,"
so for a day I was
walking around here
like I was hot crap.
Ah, it's a powerful tonic
when a member of the fairer sex
casts an admiring glance
in your direction.
Big knockers?
Don't feel too badly, Douglas.
The same thing
happened to me once.
Really?
Sure.
Many years ago I was at a party
where I encountered a
beautiful young starlet.
She had just finished
shooting Picnic
with William Holden.
She played...
"Girl with Watermelon."
I think you know who
I'm talking about.
Sorry. I have no idea.
Oh, you'll know when
I say the name...
Phyllis McCrane?
Still nothing.
One of the McCrane sisters?
Oh, yeah. Phyllis
and the other one.
The other two. The other two.
Right.
Well, anyway, it seems as though
Phyllis was flirting with me
throughout the entire party.
Oh, but she wasn't.
Oh, she certainly was.
We wound up making love
in her beach house
till the sun came up.
Why are you telling me this?
It's not even close to
what happened to me.
Hey! Just because you whiffed,
don't take it out on me!
Hey, sexy.
Yeah, I am, okay?
What, exactly, about me does it for you?
What lights you up?
What is it, that I can
burp on command, or...
the way my stomach jiggles
when I brush my teeth?
What happened to you?
You were... You were right.
You know?
I was back down at Cooper's,
and that... That waitress
wouldn't even look at me.
She couldn't have cared less.
I got no heat. I got no juice.
I got nothing.
Doug, I wasn't right.
You were.
No. I was wrong.
I bet the only reason why
Jill isn't into you anymore
is because she knows
you're married.
You're off the market.
Ah...
Doug, you are hot.
People ask about
you all the time.
Like who?
A secretary from my office.
Andrea?
No. Jeff.
What?
Jeff?
Yes! Gay people
have great taste.
They're very body conscious.
It's all about the
body for them.
That's true.
Mm-hmm.
So... why don't we both admit
that we, uh, we got a
little carried away and...
and just move on?
Okay, you're right. I love you.
Mm.
I love you too, sweetheart.
Mmm! Mmm!
So...
What exactly did Jeff say?
WOMAN: You've reached
the McCrane sisters.
♪ Phyllis ♪ Vivien
♪ Theodora
ALL: ♪ Leave a message
at the be-e-ep ♪
ARTHUR: Phyllis,
it's Biffy Spooner
from 44 years ago.
Give me a ringy-ding back.