The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 10 - Roamin' Holiday - full transcript

Do you remember

that weird history teacher
we had in ninth grade?

Mr. Thorpe!

With the Hello Kitty
stickers on his briefcase!

But he had that gorgeous
wife, remember?

I know. How was
that guy not gay?

Hey, remember we cut his class

and went to Waldbaum's?

Oh, yeah. You shoved a whole box
of Devil Dogs down your pants.

Hello? We had the
munchies and no cash.

Somebody had to take charge.



I wonder if there are any
laws they didn't break, huh?

I assume there were some.

Yeah.

It's getting late.

You know, we should
get on the road soon.

No. Stay.

We have a two-hour drive.

Well, who told you to move
to freaking Rockland County?

My new husband. He works there.

Blame him.

Guilty as charged.

Okay, well, you're not leaving
until you get dessert.

Come on. Give me a hand.

Oh, hey, hey! Here's
a name for you.



Eric Wickstrom.

Ah! You know what?

I saw him, like, a year ago.

He still has his braces.

Ew!

Well, that is a long time to have braces.
Am I right?

Maybe he has some sort
of chronic problem.

Let's hope so.

Heh.

So what do you do up there
in Rockland County?

Oh, I manage a company.

We make various paper
products from recycled goods.

Paper products.

That's great. Great.

Looking at a big fan right here.

You're at, um... IPS.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think about
the head of your company

giving money to the NRA?

I didn't realize he did.

Half a million dollars.

You have to really
like assault rifles

to give that kind of money.

Maybe he just likes
Charlton Heston, you know?

"Get your hands off me,
you damn dirty ape!"

Remember that?

That movie Planet of the Apes?

That was a good movie, huh?

I think Heston's a Nazi.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hey, guys,

we're gonna serve dessert
over there on the couch.

Go. Go, go, go, go.

Okay. So, to the couch?

All right.

Ah! That's better, huh?

The couch.

Oh, who are you voting
for on Tuesday?

Hmm?

The State Assembly?
The runoff election?

Ah... Yes.

Yes.

Do you like Scalas or Perry?

Uh... Actually, we got
an oven mitt from Perry,

so probably him.

Her.

Her. Her. Yeah.

Her.

Arthur.

Hey, my man, what's
happening, buddy?

Get a hold of yourself, Douglas.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hang on a second, man.

Relax. Why don't you meet Mike?

Love to, but I got
to catch my JAG.

He's nutty.

So...

Hey, Doug,

we just had a great idea.

What?

What if Mike and
Susie stayed with us

for the whole
Thanksgiving weekend?

What?

Yeah! They could stay up in
my office on the sofa bed.

What do you think?

Right in front of them.

Right in front of
them, she asks me.

"Can they stay with us

through the whole
Thanksgiving weekend?"

"We've got that spare
room with the sofa bed."

That's rough.

What am I supposed to say? "Yeah, sure.
That's okay.

"You know, I'd rather put
a cigar out on my ass,

but this is good too."

All right, where the
hell is Spencer already?

The movie's starting right now.

How am I going to spend
four days with this guy,

and with no buffer, either,

because I know Carrie's just
gonna peel off with her friend,

then just leave me
there, alone with him.

I'm gonna die.

That's it. I'm gonna die.

His unpleasantness will
actually stop my heart.

Where the hell you been?

I know. I know.

I had this whole
thing with my mom.

The super was
fixing the radiator

and she didn't want me to
leave her alone with him.

Why not?

She kept saying he was
making bedroom eyes.

"Mom, he's 80. He has glaucoma."

Ah, it was so stupid!

If it was so stupid, Spence,
why don't you just walk out?

Hey, I wanted to.

That's why we had the fight.

But what could I do?
It's my mother.

We been hearing the same
crap for the last 10 years.

"I need to drive my
mommy to the store.

"I have to cut her meat up.

I have to draw her
eyebrows on her." Shut up!

All right! Take it
easy, both of you.

I'm not gonna take
it easy, Moose.

I missed the movie

because nobody told this wuss
that he's 32 years old, not 8!

All right, you know what?
Forget about it.

That's it. I'm going
back to the firehouse.

And you know what, Spence?

I hope the supe is ringing
your mother's bell

right now!

And not her doorbell!

I meant, like, he's ringing...

I know what you meant!

Don't worry about
him, all right?

He's just in a bad mood.

By the way, we're not on a date.

Sit over there.

Do you think I'm a wuss?

Well, define "wuss."

Someone

who keeps inventing
excuses to live at home

because he's too scared
to just grow up already.

Define it again.

Oh, that's it!

I'm a wuss!

I'm just a big, stupid,
doughy wussbag.

You don't have to be, you know.
Just move out already.

You know what? I
might just do that.

Right after Thanksgiving.

Why wait until after
Thanksgiving,

you know?

I don't know.

Give me some time to
ease in to the idea.

Ease in to the idea?

I'm sorry. What exactly
does that mean?

I don't speak wuss.

Come on.

It's obvious, man. You
don't want to move out!

I do so!

No. You know what someone
who wants to move out says?

They say, "I want to move out right now.
Tonight!"

That's right. Yeah.

"I'm gonna find a friend who's
got, like, a spare room

"with a sofa bed,

"and I'm gonna stay there

"through the Thanksgiving
weekend if necessary,

but I'm taking my
life back tonight!"

Ah, what's the use.

Doug?

Yeah?

Aah! Aah!

Naked?

Naked.

How... How naked?

Any nakeder and I'd
have seen organs.

The inside ones.

Which I would have preferred.

By the time we got back
here with all his stuff,

you were already asleep.

Well, what happened?
Why is he even here?

He got into a huge
fight with his mother,

decided he wanted to
move out tonight.

So I... I told him,

I said, "Look, man,
you can stay with us"

until you find a
place of your own."

How long do you think
that's gonna be?

How long does it take
to find an apartment,

you know?

A week? Two weeks?

Doug! Two weeks?

The Gladdens are coming!

Huh?

Mike and Susie?

They're supposed to stay in
that room for four days?

Didn't you even think of that?

Excuse me. No, I didn't
think of that, okay?

My best friend's in the middle
of a huge personal crisis.

What am I supposed
to say to him,

"Gee, could you be
out by Thursday?

Because we're having
company over"?

You are unbelievable!

Okay...

No! No! No!

No.

Hey, I'm sorry I snapped.

But this is a man's life
we're talking about.

Okay?

Ugh. 32 years old,

and he picks this
week to grow up.

Bad timing, I know.

So...

Should we call the Gladdens

and cancel?

No. No need to do that.

Just help Spence get an
apartment by Thursday.

Then they could
still come, right?

I'll do everything in my
power to make that happen.

All right, Sue, so I'll call you

as soon as I know if
that room is free.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Have her tell Mike
I say, "Whussup?"

Tell Mike Doug says, "Whussup?"

I don't know.

Okay, sweetie. I'll
talk to you soon.

Bye-bye.

Okay, with any luck,

this will still work out.

Good morning, my esteemed
host and hostess.

Morning, Spence.

Hey, buddy, grab
yourself some eggs.

Ooh! Don't mind if I do.

By the way, Carrie,

I'm sorry about our little
encounter last night.

In my old life,

I was discouraged from, uh...

locking the bathroom door.

Okay, well... New life.

Hey...

Hear! hear!

Man, I am exhilarated.

I really did it! I moved out!
I did it!

You realize you're not
done doing it, right?

Yeah.

I was gonna get the paper

and start looking
at places today.

You're damn right you're
gonna start today,

because I'm gonna be on you
like a cheap suit, okay?

I could be your best friend, or
I could be your worst enemy.

The choice is yours.

All I know is you're
getting an apartment.

Because we are not running
a charity around here,

okay?

The whole world doesn't revolve...
Okay, Doug, relax!

He said he was going to
start looking today.

Yeah. He says a lot of things.

You and me, we go today after work.
You got it?

Sure.

Happy for the help.

Okay, then.

Good morning.

Good morning, Daddy.

What's this?

Spence moved out
of his mom's house

last night,

so he's gonna stay with us

until he gets a
place of his own.

Uh-huh. I see.

I must have missed
the family meeting

where all this was decided.

There was no family
meeting, Arthur.

Uh-huh. Well, God bless Fascism.

So, where is the
little fellow staying?

On the sofa bed in my office.

Your office? Ah, yes.

The warm, insulated
room upstairs.

I'm familiar with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll return to my dungeon.

Dad, would you stop it?

Sit down and have breakfast.

I've lost my appetite.

Besides, he's sitting
in my chair.

There's another one!

Not with my initials
carved in it!

Hey, Doug, I'm home.

Hey, buddy. How are you feeling?

Oh, fantastic.

All day at work, I
just had this energy,

this mojo.

This pretty girl, as I
was selling her a token,

smiled at me.

She knew.

There is no question about it.
You look radiant.

All right, look what I got.

I got the Daily News.

I got the Post. I
got the PennySaver.

I even circled
some possibilities

during my lunch hour.

Wow! You are a madman.

Oh, man, I am fearless.

I'm psyched!

Good!

All right, well, let's
find you a place quick

before you come to your senses

and realize how scared
you should be, huh?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Okay...

Ooh, here's one.

Look at that. That looks good.

Corona Heights,
two-bedroom, one bath.

That sounds interesting.

Yeah, and it says,
"immediate occupancy."

Should we go check it out?

Sure. All right.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

What? What?

Mm... First floor.

I don't feel safe with
you on the first floor.

Why not?

Why not?

A burglar walks by,

"Hey, look at that open window.

Slow, fat kid..."

Okay! I didn't think about that.

But what about this one?

Oh, man, I deliver
to that building.

Oh.

You like rats?

Not so much.

Mm...

Oh, but this one is perfect.

Yeah. That is perfect.

And when exactly did
you win the lottery?

Because I don't remember
hearing about it.

Come on! This is ridiculous.

One of these has to be okay.

You know what? If
you know it all,

then you go out and
look for yourself.

Take the first place you see.
Have a great time.

Wait! Don't go.

I want your help.

Okay, then listen
to me, all right?

Finding an apartment

is the most important
decision you'll ever make.

You know, if you pick
the wrong place,

there's no undoing it.

Couldn't I just move?

Can I finish my thought, please?

Sorry.

Okay, now, if we're
gonna do this together,

help me help you.

Okay, what's the first step?

So, huh, you feeling better?

Not really. I kind of wanted
to go look at apartments.

But you kind of want to play
some defense, because...

Boom! I just scored
on your white ass!

Hello, Douglas.

Hey.

Hi, Arthur.

Oh... Good evening.

I heard laughter and some
rather ribald comments

coming from here,

so I thought I
would investigate.

Just playing some foosball.

Funny.

I was under the impression
that foosball was our game.

Arthur, we played half
a game last March,

and you scored three
goals on yourself.

And those memories
mean nothing to you?

Look, we're in the middle

of a very important
tournament here, all right?

You and I can play another time.

Fine. Go ahead and play
with your fancy new friend!

See if I care!

Okay, bye-bye.

Doug, enough of this. I want
to go look at some places.

Good God! You want some
cheese with that whine?

It's after 6:00.

You can do what you want.

I'm gonna look at some of these

before the whole day is shot!

We're in the middle of a game!

It's like you don't want me
to get my own apartment!

I do! Then let me go look!

No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Come on. Come on, please.

All right, look, you're right.
I want you to stay.

I need you around
here for a while.

Why?

Well, the truth is...
It's me and Carrie.

The marriage is in trouble.

God. Really?

Yeah. It's... It's a mess.

Well, you... You do a
good job of hiding it.

Yeah. Well, sometimes, you
got to put on a show.

It must be really difficult now.

I mean, especially
during the holidays.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

But at least with you
here, she'll, uh...

She'll watch her drinking.

Oh!

Aw, jeez! Jeez, man...

Come here, buddy. Come here.

Aw, that's good medicine.

Hey, let's go play
some foosball.

Sure.

You got to promise me.

You can't tell Carrie anything
about this, all right?

Oh... All right?

As far as she's concerned,
we're still apartment hunting.

Hey, you were there for me.
I'm here for you.

Okay.

There they are.

And they won't let me play!

Doug, what is going on here?

I thought you guys were out
looking for apartments.

We were working on it. We're
just taking a break here.

Could I talk to you
outside for a second?

Sure.

What is going on here?

I know. It's brutal, isn't it?

He's fighting me every
step of the way.

What do you mean,
he's fighting you?

You open up a newspaper,
you point to the rentals,

you say, "Here, you, live. Go!"

Yeah. I know. I know.

Look through the window.

Are there not, like,
several papers

on that table right there?

Okay, so what's the problem?

The problem is...
I'll tell you...

He's completely
petrified of the idea

of living on his own.

He's like a child, you know?

Twice today, he
called me "Mommy."

Once... "Nana."

Oh, my God.

What should we do? You
want me to go talk to him?

No. No, no, no.

Look, he'll get real embarrassed
if he knew I told you.

I'll tell you what.
Let me work on it,

and I'll see if I can
nudge him along.

Do you think you
can nudge him out

by Thursday?

I think I can give it
one hell of a try.

Thank you.

Oh! And let my father
play foosball with you.

Sorry, Arthur. No go.

So Carrie thinks

that Spence is afraid
to get a place,

and Spencer thinks

that you and Carrie
are on the outs?

Yeah, and I told them both

not to talk to each
other about it.

So how's that sound? You
think it'll all hold up?

Sure. Hell, Moose,
you're great at this.

You know, you could
fool around on her

if you wanted to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man!
I love my wife.

But thank you.

You're welcome.

Yep. All right.

It looks like it's gonna be
a Mike-free Thanksgiving.

It's just that...

What?

For some reason,

I just keep thinking like
I overlooked something.

Hi.

Still here, I see.

Oh, yeah.

Are you done in the bathroom?

Oh, I'm done.

Oh, darling? Yeah?

There's a leaky faucet up there.

You may want to look at it.

Okay.

CARRIE: Oh, man! SPENCER: Aah!

Aah! Spence!

I think my point is made.

He doesn't belong here.

SPENCER: Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Spence, you have to stop
letting me see you naked!

It's very, very disturbing!

I know. I'm sorry.

God, what is the
big deal, anyway?

About what?

Look, I know you're scared,

but you just got to suck it
up and get your own place

and stop calling my
husband "Mommy"!

Oh, God! You're drunk.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Mike is very, very annoying.

So, all this time,

just to keep Mike and
Susie from coming,

you've been stopping Spence
from getting an apartment?

I can't say I've been
making it easy for him.

Did he even want to
move out of his Mom's

in the first place?

I like to think so.

You are psychotic.

I can't believe you did all this

just to avoid
spending one weekend

with a boring guy.

Look, I admit it, okay?

I was a little out of my mind.

I was like one of those mothers

who lifts up the car
to save her baby.

The adrenalin was pumping!

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Sorry. Okay. Thanks.

I mean, Susie is one
of my best friends.

I mean, I never get
to see her anymore.

This was a perfect opportunity

for us to spend a
little time together.

Look, look...

I caused this
problem, all right?

So I'm gonna fix it.

How? How? It's already
Tuesday night.

How are you gonna find Spence
an apartment in one day?

Well, I don't know
if I can for sure,

but I'll tell you this.

We will apartment hunt
all day long, okay?

Sun-up to sundown,

we will pound that pavement.

That is my pledge to you!

Do you realize how
much raw sewage

is seeping into that groundwater

every day?

No.

8900 cubic meters.

Hmm... Well...

I knew it was in
the 80's, but wow!

God, this has been so much fun!

You know, you guys have
to come up to our place

for Easter.

You know what?

Doug and I both
have that week off.

We're there.

Right, Doug?

Yo, Spence. Hustle it up!

I'm coming!

The turkey's ready. I...

Has anybody seen my loofah?