The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 11 - Sparing Carrie - full transcript

Carrie! Come on, we gotta go!

CARRIE: I'm coming!

League starts in 20 minutes.

Will you relax?

Broads.

So where are you off to tonight?

Are the bowling shirt and
bowling ball any help, or...

All right, call off
your dogs, sassy.

Just making small talk.

All right. Look, I was out of line there.
I'm sorry.

Quite all right.



So where you off to?

Carrie!

Come on, what are you doing?

Wh-what are you doing?

Ironing my jeans.
I'm almost done.

What's wrong with the
ones you had on?

I don't like the way my
butt looked in those.

Ah, come on.

Hey, back it off!

This is between me and my ass.

You'll have to understand,

bowling is all about the
way you look from behind.

Yeah, and you looked
fine in the other ones.

Although I can't say
I'm hating this look.



Get you spread eagle on
the hood of a Camaro,

we got a big-selling poster.

I am done.

Oh, yeah, put your pants
on slow for daddy.

Ooh, yeah. Mmm-mmmm.

Shut up, would you, please?

Okay, nice. Let's go, slammo.

Thank God.

Oh, yeah.

All right! The Cooper's
Onion Ringers have arrived.

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, nobody seems to care.

That's because
they're all losers.

All right, people. Let's
push some tables together.

Three pitchers right over here.

Spence, nice bowling
tonight, cutie.

Gosh, the man can't
run, he can't jump.

He can barely walk, but,
damn it, he can roll a ball.

Magic fingers. I
got magic fingers.

And lanucci,

obviously trying
to impress someone

into having sex with him.

I don't know, I wasn't
that impressed.

Just scored a 135.

Hey, a 191. I gets no love?

Come on, Deac.
We're the legends.

We don't talk about
it, we just do it.

Yeah, yeah. A 191, I
want to talk about it.

Hey, how about Carrie
over here, huh?

Hey, my lovely wife, huh?

Gutting her way to a personal
best score of... 47.

Sucky bowler right here.

Can't bowl for crap. Yeah!

Hey, but her ass was
in great form, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

All I saw was a nice ass.

Well, if you guys
will excuse me,

I'm gonna go stop in on Bobby

and pick up our league checks.

So do me a favor. Order me
several thousand hot wings.

Bobby! Yo, Bobby!

Bobby! Hey, you're not Bobby.
Where's Bobby?

I fired Bobby. Who are you?

Oh, I was just... I was...
Who are you?

My name is Bruce Degner.

Oh, so you're the new Bobby?

No, I'm not the new Bobby.

My father-in-law
owns this place.

He just had a massive
brain aneurysm...

Which he richly deserves.

So now I have to spend
time I don't have

away from my law practice
to come in here every night

and sit and look over
this random heap

of Post-its and napkins

that passes around
here for a ledger.

Something I'm trying very
hard to do right now,

which brings me back
to my original,

still unanswered question...

Who are you?

Hi, I'm Doug. Doug Heffernan.

I'm a member of the
bowling team you sponsor.

Well, member... I'm
actually the captain.

So, what do you want, captain?

Uh, it's just that, uh,
Bobby, who I did not like,

uh, was supposed to
leave me a check

for our league dues this month.

Oh, swell, because this place

really isn't hemorrhaging
quite enough money yet.

All right, how much?

It's $1,500. Boy, it's
getting cold down here.

Were you outside?

1,500 for the year?

Uh, well, if you mean
calendar year, yes.

There is another 1,500 due
in the middle of the season,

but that's way, way off.

So let me get this straight.

Cooper's has been paying you
people $3,000 a year...

No, season. Season, to bowl?

Can I assume that you are
some of the finest bowlers

in the history of mankind?

If you want to.

Sorry, Doug. I can't do it.

Come on, Bruce. You
can't just drop us.

Cooper's bowling team
is a great tradition.

Plus it's great
for business too.

You know, people see
us bowling out there

wearing these shirts that
say Cooper's, you know,

and they think to themselves...

"Cooper's." You with me?

I think so.

Plus when we win a
big championship,

there's an article
in the newspaper,

pictures, more publicity.

You're a championship team?

Did I say that? Yes.

Well, no, no, no, we're not.

But we often make incredible
comebacks that fall just short.

Listen, Doug. You
seem like a nice guy.

So do you.

But it just doesn't
make any sense to me

to sponsor a bowling
team unless it wins.

And even then, it's hard
to get too enthusiastic.

Yeah, but the shirt?

Yes, I know the
shirts, yes, yes.

But, uh... Look, I
guess if you did well,

the publicity would
be good for business.

I'll tell you what. You
do what you got to do,

and show me you got a shot at
winning one of those trophies...

You know, the guy on top with
the sweater and the silver...

And I'll write you a check.
You got it?

I got it. I promise we'll
kick it up a notch.

We'll see how you
do next Wednesday.

All right. Even if
we lose, though,

I could always just buy you
one of those trophies.

Or just stand in your
office like this, you know?

All right, man. Thank you.

Okay, now, when we lose,

it's only by an average
of about 40 pins.

So just one more strike,
you know, per game

from each of us ought to do it.

That's it, just one
more strike each.

Or two of us have to get
two more strikes each.

Or we each take a turn
bowling a perfect game.

All right! I know, it's Carrie!
She stinks!

She's stinky Carrie! But
what am I supposed to do?

I can't fire my own wife.

If you don't, we're not
gonna have a team anymore.

Well, then, you know what?
Screw it.

We don't need the league, right?

With that whole free
lane time, free food.

I say we all get together
and bowl on another night

like regular people, huh?
You wanna?

No.

Oh, God.

Come on, we've been bowling
in a league for three years.

That's the life we know.

We're not like the
others anymore.

Anyway, look, we gotta
have two women out of six.

League rules. So who are we
gonna get to replace Carrie?

Pam Dimeo, who I wanted to
get in the first place.

Pam Dimeo, she's awesome.

Can you get her? Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

This is Carrie we're
talking about here.

You guys are like a
pack of wild dingoes,

you know, biting into
her flesh and...

pulling her off
the bowling team.

Come on, Moose, don't
be putting this on us.

When we first put
this team together,

we wanted to be good.
You more than anybody.

That's true. He's right.

Yeah. And one day you pranced in

and said, "Carrie's on the
team" and that was it.

I know, I know.

She was like, "Oh, bowling.
I wanna play.

How much fun would that be?"

Play. First of all, you don't
even play bowling, okay?

You go bowling.

You should have just
nixed it then, Moose.

Nix it how?

By not mentioning it in
front of her to begin with.

Kelly didn't know I was in a
bowling league till year two.

This is brutal.

Now I either gotta fire my wife

or just let the team
just fall apart.

It's like, it's like
Sophie's Choice.

Not really.

No? What was Sophie's
choice again?

She had to decide which of her
children to give to the Nazis.

Okay, yeah, that's harder.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Hey, guys, what's up?

What's up?

What, did I, uh, did I
interrupt something?

You guys talking about chicks?

See a nice rack?

Huh? Nice set of ta-tas?

Huh?

Yes. Two.

Okay. That sucked.

Yeah. Yeah, it did.

Mmm. Diet Coke me, baby.

You know what? Uh...
Just for fun,

why don't we try to, like,
bowl really well, okay?

Are your sideburns longer?

I don't know. Maybe.

Look, Wednesday night we're
playing Hey, Eddie's Pizza,

and I just... I
want to beat them.

Why? I like their pizza.

That's not the point.

I just think we should
try to win more often,

because winning is good. You
know, it means you won.

Okay.

All right, so let's practice.

Yeah, let's practice.
Okay, great.

Let me break it down for you.

Okay. All right.

It's very simple, all right?
It's here.

It's one, two, three, four.

Yes. Ah, yes. See?

Use the arrows on the lane.
They're your friends.

Oh, all right, yeah, okay.

Let me try, let me try.
Great, great, great.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, you ready?

Yep. Nice and easy. Here we go.

Okay, okay.

Okay, it's one, two...

Okay, that's four. You
forgot three, forgot three.

Yeah, yeah, number three.

Okay, here. Uh, let
me try to teach you

a little something about form.
Come here.

Teach away, Mr. Kot-ter.

All right, remember
now, it's here first.

And then one, two,
three, four...

No! Carrie, come on.

You copped a feel
there, didn't you?

Yeah, you did.

Knock it off!

I wanna win on Wednesday, okay?

What's the big deal?

I just want to
beat Hey, Eddie's!

Why?

They don't use enough sauce.

All right, talk to me here.

What the hell is going on?

It's the new guy running
Cooper's, all right?

He's not gonna sponsor the team

unless we get better.

A-ha.

In fact, if we don't win
Wednesday, it's over.

That's why I wanted
you to practice.

Because I'm the weak link.
Got it.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I just thought maybe, you know,

if you improve, you might
become one of those bowlers

that actually...

knocks pins down.

Okay, well, let me save
you some time here.

I suck at bowling
and I always will.

Don't say that.

Doug, stop it, will you?

I'm not gonna get any better.

So what is it? You want me off the team?
Is that it?

No, I don't want
you off the team.

Why, you want to
be off the team?

Well, if I'm gonna ruin
it for everybody else.

You sure you're okay with this?

I guess I have to be, don't I?

Hey, who's up for lemon ices?

Hey, Bruce.

Oh, hello.

How's it going? How's
your father-in-law doing?

Is he feeling any better?

He flat-lined for over
a minute yesterday.

Uh-huh. So, what else is up?

You want something?

Yeah, actually, I want to
talk to you about the team.

Team? The bowling team.

Oh, yeah.

We've got kind of
a little problem.

Uh, I mean, the bowling
team is great,

except for one person...
Not so great.

Never gonna win
with this person.

And this person turns out to be,

wouldn't you know it?
My wife, yeah.

$6.00 for a urinal cake.
It's madness.

We ought to make people
bring their own.

Uh, my wife?

What about her?

She's the bad bowler.

And?

And, I guess what I'm asking

is if you wouldn't
mind overlooking

the whole not winning
thing, you know,

so I could keep her on the team.

Otherwise, at home, I'm
gonna hear a lot of:

Yeah. I know what that's like.

Wanna hear a funny story?

Sure.

About a year or so ago,

my wife is all stressed out.

For what reason, God only knows.

She decides she's gonna
take a yoga class.

Yoga, right?

Right, with the feet
behind the head.

It's crazy, right?

So she starts going three
times a week, and it works.

She looks relaxed, she's happy.
You know why?

Why?

It turns out she was having

a great deal of sex
with the instructor.

Oh, my God!

Oh, man, that is so...

Huh. Yeah.

The point is,

we all have problems with
our wives, don't we?

I guess so, yeah.

Hey. Hey.

I'm just, uh...

I gotta head off to the, uh...

It's time for me to go...
you know...

Yes, I know.

Right. All righty.

Well, you have a great night.
I love you, okay?

Love you too. See you later.

Hello, Douglas.

What's going on?

Isn't she bowling tonight?

Uh... No, Dad.

Why isn't she bowling tonight?

She, uh...

I'm not on the team anymore.

Why not?

Is she injured?

No. The guy at Cooper's

told Doug that the team
has to start winning more

or he won't sponsor it.

So you fired her off the team?!

No, I just...

I agreed to quit, Dad.

And you just let her quit?!

It's okay, Dad.

It is not okay.

We're talking about
disloyalty and backstabbing.

And for what, a free
night of bowling?

Excuse me, honey, but I don't
like the smell in here.

Okay. Be back by 10:00.

Well here he is.
Thanks for showing up.

Sorry, had a little trouble

getting out of the house.

Doug, this is our new
teammate, Pam Dimeo.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Whoa.

All right, it's time to focus.

We're fighting for
our lives here.

Hey, Eddie's!
Pizza's going down.

Moose, you're up. Let's go!

Let's get down to business.

No, uh, he's Moose.

Time to get serious here.

Come on, Dougie!

Come on, pick it up.

Spare it up, Dougie, boy.

Yeah, yeah, sparing it up.
Sparing it up.

Up it will be spared.

DOUG: Okay, you know
what your problem is?

You're not thinking about
what you're doing.

Think. Think.

Don't think.

Clear your head, nice and easy.

Oh, mother of crap!

Okay, it's one,
two, three, four.

The arrows are your friends.

You fired your wife
from the bowling team.

Oh, you're an ugly, ugly man.

Oh, look at that, the
Brunswick Man wears a crown.

Come on, focus, focus!

Focus on the ball
or on the pins.

One or the other. You
fired your wife!

It's okay, it's okay.
I'm doing good!

I'm actually... I'm
good, I'm good.

They all know I'm good.
Yeah, yeah.

I'm good. Good bowler. Big Doug.
Big, big Doug.

Good bowler. Where's the ball?
Where's the ball?

Oh, what's the difference?
Really, what does it matter?

Use the arrows. Why, why?!

You don't deserve to
use those arrows!

Shut up, Hey, Eddie's!

Honey... Honey...

Hey, Bruce, can I talk to you?

Look, honey, if the doctor says

it's time to pull the plug,
he must have a good reason.

A-a-and plus, that nurse
also thought it was time,

don't forget that.

Only one second.

Hang on, honey, there's
a guy in my office.

Fine. Just lie down and put
the doctor on. All right.

What do you want?

I wanted to let you know the
bowling team won tonight.

Yes! There is a God!

Hello, doctor. Dr.
Goldman, listen...

And-and-and and-and-and...

Hold on, doctor.

I also want you to know
I'm quitting the team.

But don't worry,
everything will be fine,

because my friend Deacon...
You don't know him,

he's a good guy... He's
gonna be taking over

as the new captain, and
he'll get a great bowler

to replace me and
they're gonna get you

one of those trophies, you know.

Doug, you have any idea
what's going on here?

I'm about to give my permission

to make a man stop living. No, no!
That was not official!

Right, right, right, right.
I understand that.

I wanted to make sure
we're on the same page.

I'm out, Deacon's in.
Great bowling team.

You'll keep writing
those checks.

It all sounds so wonderful.
Now please leave.

Okay, I'm out of here.

And hey, good luck with the
whole plug-pulling thing.

I'm sure you'll make
the right decision.

Unlike pulling the mozzarella
sticks from the menu.

We can go over
that another time.

"Famous H's for 300.

She's the face that
launched a thousand ships."

I don't know.

From Troy.

Not sure.

Helen of Troy.

I still don't know.

That's the answer!

Hey.

Hey. How was bowling?

Yeah, how was it? After
firing your wife,

did you find a little chippie?
Huh, did you?

Mr. Arnold?

Benedict Arnold?

Famous traitor,
Revolutionary War?

Doesn't anybody read
a book around here?

He's still pretty mad at you.

You might not want
to use the shampoo.

Thanks for the warning.

So you guys went pretty
late tonight, huh?

Well, actually, I stopped
by Cooper's after

and I quit the team.

You quit the team? Why?

Why? You know this
wasn't working.

Come on, me on the team,
you not on the team.

All the unspoken tension.

You know, we pass
in the morning...

"Oh, hello. You're
looking well."

Okay, which one of us said that?

You know what I mean, all right?

I mean, I felt bad, you know?

I was thinking about you all
night, and I bowled an 80.

Aw, you sucked because of me?

That's so sweet.

But, honey, you shouldn't
have quit the team.

Yeah, I should have.
Look at you.

This is the first time in a
week you're not depressed.

Well, yes, that's
because I'm touched

that you were willing to quit.

So it is good that I quit?

No, it's not good that you quit.

Okay, what is this, a riddle?

Look, Doug, I don't want
you to quit the team.

I never wanted you
to quit the team.

I just wanted you
to want to quit.

Why didn't you just say that?

Well, I couldn't say that.
If I had said that,

then you wouldn't really
be wanting to quit.

You would just be wanting it

because I wanted you to want it.

Okay, if you don't make
sense, I'm gonna tackle you.

I want you on the team.

So let me understand this.

There's no actual plug per se?

Psst!

Got a sec?

I don't understand.

What is it? That I'm
an older gentleman?

Because let me
tell you, darling,

I'll treat you like no man
you've ever been with.

No, thanks, buddy.

Playing hard to get? I like it.