The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 12 - Net Prophets - full transcript

Season's greetings!

Hey.

Oh, God. The reindeer sweater?

That's right.

Look at it. Don't look away.

I can't help it.
It frightens me.

Hey, come on. I've had
it since the 11th grade.

What's wrong with it?

Have you looked in a mirror?

It's okay. I know the
rules, all right?

Don't wear it out of the house,



don't wear it to any
holiday parties,

and if anybody comes over,
I have to run upstairs.

What's that on the
back of your arm?

Hmm?

Oh, what do you know?

Candy cane.

A little gift from
some Christmas past.

You're not actually gonna
eat that, are you?

Have I made a decision? No.

Am I intrigued?

Certainly.

Give me that.

That's all right.

There might be others.



I can't believe this.

Can't believe what?
What happened?

Those fancy-shmancy
neighbors across the street

are what happened!

I'm so angry I could spit!

Okay, mission accomplished.

Dad, now just calm down and
tell me what happened.

I put a wreath on our
front door last night,

and now I come home to find
one twice the size of ours

hanging on the Rinaldis' door.

So?

So? It's a snub!

It's their way of saying,
"look at us, world,

we're richer than those
schnooks across the street!"

How dare they flaunt
their wealth at us. Ugh!

Wealth? Dad, Mr.
Rinaldi drives a cab,

and his wife works
for Easter Seals.

Yeah, and they're
gonna make sure

everyone in the
neighborhood knows it.

Well, honey, the Rinaldis
are about to look directly

into the mouth of hell!

Dad, dad, can't you just take
a white pill and a blue pill

and leave this alone?

Oh, I will take those pills,

but I will not leave this alone.

Hey. Hey.

Want to help me
wrap a little bit?

Uh, sure. But, uh...

I think we need to have
a little talk first.

What? What happened?
Is everything okay?

Oh, it's just that today, uh,

at work, out of the blue,

I get called into supervisor
O'Boyle's office and, uh...

And... and what?

Uh, he just handed me

this $3,000 Christmas bonus!

$3,000! I can't believe it!

See what I did there?

I made you think it was bad,
when actually it was good.

Yeah, you're a comedic genius.

Let me see this. Ohh!

Holy crap! 3,000 bucks!

And all I got was a
donation made in my name

to some disease charity.

Yeah, thank ya!

So what do you want
to do with it?

Well, I'm thinking, and go
with me here... Ahem...

Double-D breast implants.

Why? The ones you have now
are so cute and perky.

Way to turn it around on me.

No, I'm serious. What do
you want to do with it?

I don't know. I guess we should
throw it in the bank quick

before they realize what a
mediocre employee I really am.

Really? Put it in the bank?

Why, you got another idea? Hmm?

Solid gold bathtub?

Should we have our teeth drilled
and little rubies put in?

Hey, what's up?

No. I was thinking that all
these lawyers at my firm

have been investing in all
these internet stocks,

and they have been making
some stupid money.

You wanna put the money
in the stock market?

Doug, these web
stocks are exploding.

You remember that lawyer
from my firm, Harry Sternin?

No.

The one you said looks
like a fat Phil Collins?

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, he, he bought this stock
called Shominy dot something,

and he tripled his money
in the last 4 days.

"Shominy"? What do they even do?

I don't know. They make shominies.
Who, who cares?

The point is...

the stock was at $2 on
Monday and now it's at 6!

What do you think?

I don't know. I kind of like
my "put it in the bank" idea.

Come on, Dougie, the gravy
train is pulling out.

Why can't we jump
on the gravy train?

Because sometimes
gravy trains derail.

Then there's blood and
gravy everywhere.

All right, whatever. I tried.

Put it back!

CARRIE: Doug! Doug, come here!

What?

Advanced digital
business to business

e-commerce networking solutions.

so I looked it up. Now you know.

Thanks. I'll be in the shower.

Doug, come on!

This is a great stock.

Four analysts made
it their top pick.

Come on, Carrie. All this
stuff is just so risky.

So you take a risk
once in a while.

Why do I have to take a risk?

Look, honey, if we put
the money in the bank,

it'll grow in little
dribs and drabs,

but if we buy the stock, we...
we have a chance

to finally make some real money.

We... we can go
someplace, like Europe.

What's in Europe?

We don't have to go there.
We can go anywhere.

Busch Gardens?

We can go to Busch
Gardens anytime.

Want to go this weekend?

Okay. You are really
missing the point.

Look, honey, I am
happy with our life.

I really am.

We love each other, we have
good friends, good jobs.

Now if we just had all
that plus, you know...

money...

better yet, huh?

You really want to do this, huh?

Yes.

All right, I'm your guy.
I'm in. Yay! Muah.

Oh, here you are.

Yes, here I am.

How you doing? Good.

What'd you do?
What's the matter?

Nothing, just feel like
getting a little action.

Before dinner?

Are you drinking?

No, but maybe these stock
reports I'm holding

might have something
to do with it.

No! Yes.

No! Yes.

No!

Yes!

Let me see! Let me see!

Oh, sweet Shominy!

Six grand! Six grand!

I know. I wish we had
the cash right now.

We could throw it on the
bed and have sex on it.

Wanna do it on the stock report?

No. I think it has to
be money, don't you?

Uh, don't go by me. I'd have
sex with you on an angry bear.

Hello, lovey!

Oh, hey.

What you... What you doing'?

Oh, nothing. Just
surfing the web.

Why is your voice so high?

Psh, it's not!

What's going on?

The stock is down a little.

Little? What's a little?

All right, before I tell you,
you have to agree not to panic.

Okay, by saying that,
you make me panic.

Now tell me quickly before
I pass out from fear.

Okay, it's at four.

Carrie, no! We bought it at six!
We bought it at six!

I know.

But four is less than six.

I know! I went to first grade.
Now just calm down.

I can't calm down, Carrie.
It's at four!

Look, Harry Sternin said
that, that, that it's normal

for the stock to dip a little.

Well, you know what?
Then marry him!

I got to think, I got to think,
I got to think, I got to think!

What do we do?

We hold onto the stock.
It'll come back up.

You think so?

It has to. Now,
look, get a grip!

Remember, we are
long-term investors.

We're in this for
three to four weeks.

All right, now just calm down
and we'll ride it out, okay?

Okay.

What are you doing?

I want to see where
the stock is at.

Here, help me get online.

No, no, sweetie.

You can't watch it every minute.
You'll drive yourself crazy.

I don't care. I wanna
know where it's at.

Fine. Do it yourself.
No, I need your help.

I'm stuck in solitaire.

Okay, one look and that's it.

One's fine. One, one's great.

Okay, you're signed on.

It'll just take a second.

Hi.

Hello.

Okay, we're in.

Now we just type in
the symbol and...

Oh!

Oh? What, what's oh?
Where you looking?

It says, uh...

it's at three.

Three?! Oh, my God!
It's at three?!

Come on, let's sell.
Let's sell...

No, no, no. Look,
look, look here.

It says the dip in the stock
was because the FTC approval

of their technology was delayed.

Of course it was delayed,
because no one can figure out

what the hell they make!

They, they make advanced commerce...
something!

Whatever it is, it's good.

Oh, yeah? Can I buy one? Where do I go?
Where? Waldbaum's, huh?

Sam Goody? Has Goody got it?!

Okay, Doug, could
you just calm down,

because you're
starting to panic me.

Yeah, because you
know I'm right.

Oh, my God! We're gonna
lose the whole three grand!

It's going to go down to zero!

Oh, God! Dry heaves.

Ewww!

Carrie, look, I am begging you.

Please, let's just sell, okay?

Let's sell while we still have
enough to go to Busch Gardens.

Doug, I don't know.

I mean, Harry's not selling.

Harry's a millionaire,
all right?

He buys and sells
people for sport.

He'd kill you as
soon as look at you.

Look...

Carrie, I'm not wired
for this kind of stuff.

You know, I'm
jittery, I'm nervous.

Look, my eye is twitching.
Look, you see it?

No.

Well, it's not now, but it was.

We got to sell. Come on!

I don't care if it goes
up to 100 tomorrow.

Let's just get out of
it and be done with it.

Fine! If it's gonna
make you this crazy,

then we'll sell it.

Good.

Thank you.

Can't tell you how good it feels
to be done with this madness.

It's back up. Hmm?

Oh, darling, just in time.

What are you, having a party?

No, no.

I'm getting into the
Christmas spirit

and putting together
an outdoor display

that will make the Rinaldis
feel poor and ashamed.

So what do you think?

What is it?

It's a nativity scene.

Not so much.

Sure, it is.

You got your wise men here.

There's Joseph, Mary,
and the baby Jesus.

He's huge!

So?

So he looks like he could crush

all the wise men to death.

But he wouldn't do that.
He's gentle.

He's baby Jesus.

And what about the,
uh, wooden Indian?

Who's he supposed to be?

No one. I just like it.

And who's to say
he wasn't there?

Dad, I love you so much.

But there's no way in hell this
is going in front of our house.

TV ANCHORWOMAN: And it was the
fourth record day in a row

for the Nasdaqas tech stocks
continue to fire the market.

up over 200% on news that
it received FTC approval

of its highly anticipated
advanced digital

business to business e-commerce

networking solution technology.

Approval.

They got approval.

Good for them.

Yes...

good for them.

You're hating me right
now, aren't you?

Nooo!

Yes, you are. Come on,
you can say it, huh?

"Chunky made us sell.
Chunky cost us money."

That's what you're thinking.

That is not what I'm thinking.

You have to be
thinking that, Carrie.

If it wasn't for me, we'd be
up like, like $4,000 bucks.

Closer to five.

But it is not your fault.

I'm the one who let your
non-stop bitching and whimpering

wear me down.

And for that, I am
very, very sorry.

So we're cool? Oy.

I'm sorry, all right?
I feel guilty.

You know, I acted
like a little...

sissy investor girl.

Here, make this part of my body.

Just make it part of my body.

Doug, would you just forget it?
Come on!

We sold the stock.
It's over with.

Could we just get
on with our lives?

Okay?

Okay. Okay.

Let's buy back in.

What?

Come on. It's on
its way back up.

Okay. That settles it.
You need lithium.

No. Think about it. We
only sold because we...

We didn't have any
approval, you know?

Now we have something
to sink our teeth into.

We got the grr-grr,
the approval.

God, Doug, you are
driving me crazy!

But the stock is so high now!

High and only going higher.

I know it, Carrie. I feel it, I swear.
It's a gut feeling.

This does not lie.

All right, we buy back in.

B-b-but this time,
we buy the stock

and we leave it alone for
one full week, okay?

We do not obsess,
we do not panic.

We just go on with our
lives and let the stock do

whatever it's gonna do.

Hey! What stock?

It's all right there.

Take your time crossing.

And have a nice day.

Yeah, there's a new invention.
It's called a turn signal.

Why don't you use it, you moron?

Hey, got enough dogs there, guy?

That's crazy walking
all those dogs.

♪ Go on, now go

♪ Walk out the door

♪ Just turn around now

Those wheels are on your
chair for a reason...

use them!

BOB CRATCHETT: We've never had any
quarrel that I've ever been party to.

I ask nothing of you.

I came here in the spirit
of bright good will

and I won't let you dampen it.

So a merry Christmas to you anyway, uncle.
Good evening.

SCROOGE: Humbug!

Okay, why are you doing that?

What?

Mouthing.

What are you talking about?

You're mouthing
along to the movie.

So? I've seen the movie 100 times.
I know all the words.

I understand that.

But it's annoying.

So then don't watch me.

I wasn't watching you, okay?

But I can see it in
my periphinal vision

and it's distracting.

It's peripheral.

What did I say?

You said, "periphinal."

No, I didn't.

Okay, fine, you didn't. Can
I watch the movie now?

Oh, go ahead.

SCROOGE: a poor excuse for
picking a man's pocket

every 25th of December.

I said "peripheral."

CRATCHETT: It's the
family more than me.

See, they put their
hearts into it.

For God sakes, wash your feet.

They stink!

Okay, it's not my feet.
It's my socks.

Well, burn them.

Funny, you didn't have
a problem with my feet

when the stock was at 12.

Okay, here we go.

Look, stinky, you're the one
who begged me to buy back in

just in time to
ride the plummet.

They got the approval!

Right. The approval. I could
sink my teeth into the approval.

You know what? Why don't you
sink your teeth into my ass?

That's nice. That's nice.
That's very ladylike.

What a delicate little
flower I married, hm?

Well, Doug, at least I
know not to buy high

and sell low, okay?
So here's a tip.

Why don't you buy
yourself some instinct?

You know what? That's
a real good idea.

I'll go down to the bank

and I'll take out a little
bit of my Christmas bonus...

Oops, it never made it there!

You know what?

You could pin this on me
if you want to, Doug,

but remember, you're
the one who sold,

you're the one who panicked.

Oh, here it comes.

Okay, go ahead, say it, say it.

"Chunky cost us money." Come on.
Come on, say it.

It doesn't matter.

Well, Chunky did cost us money.

I can't believe you
just called me Chunky.

Hey, kids, come here. I
want to show you something.

Okay.

Come on, double-time.

Come on, let's go. Quick.
Quick, quick.

I, uh, scrapped all
the other junk

and I went out and I got this.

ARTHUR: So what do you think?

You know, I shouldn't
have told you

about my Christmas bonus in
the first place. That's it.

Oh, sure, why don't we
just sell the stock, hmm?

It's just about low enough.

Fine, sell! Good.

Then when it goes
back up on Monday,

you'll be all, "Ooh,
Chunky sorry."

Again? Again with the Chunky?
Yes, yes.

You back it down.
Both of you stop it!

How sad this is.

It's Christmas eve and
all you two can do

is argue about a couple
of nickels and dimes?

Let me tell you something.

The best Christmas I ever
had was with your mother

in our first house,
the one in Flatbush.

We were broke. We had
no heat, no hot water,

and a leaky roof.

But we loved it! You know why?

Because you had each other.

Because we had vodka!

So now come in and
let's have some shots.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Let's just sell the stock.

Yes.

I mean, who cares
how much we lose?

At least we'll be
done with it, right?

Let's just dump it and be
happy with the life we have.

Yeah.

Hmm, yes. Okay.

Merry Christmas, baby.

Hmm, merry Christmas.

Mmm.

Although it really can't
go any lower, can it?

I was just thinking
the same thing.

Maybe we should keep it.

Maybe we should buy more.

You know, Harry bought more.

DOUG: Harry knows. He's
a very, very smart man.

CARRIE: So we'll buy some more?

DOUG: Well, how we
gonna get the money?

CARRIE: I don't know. Uh...

second mortgage?

DOUG: Better yet. Cash
advance on our credit cards.

CARRIE: Yeah, because
we get the miles.

DOUG: Hee-hee!

TV ANCHORWOMAN: And
in financial news,

plummeted on news that its CEO

has 11 prior convictions
for stock fraud.