The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 13 - Party Favor - full transcript

Hey, hey, hey, babe! Hey, hon.

Hey, listen. Don't start dinner.

I'm taking you to that...

That Japanese place
again tonight.

Why are you obsessed
with that place?

I'm not obsessed with it. I
just like when a Japanese man

cooks in front of you. It's fun.

It's like, you
know, it's like...

Okay. As entertaining
as that was, we can't.

Come on. It'll be fun. Wow!
Shrimp in the pocket.

Banzai!



We can't. Your
cousin Danny called.

He's on his way over.

What? Why?

I don't know. He said he wanted

to talk to us about something.

Oh, God. He is so annoying.

Why did you let him
know we were home?

Well, once I picked
up and said, "hello,"

the cat was pretty
much out of the bag.

Come on! What's the big deal?

Let him come over. He said
he had some good news.

He doesn't have good news.
That's just his angle

to get his foot in the door.

Then the next thing you know,
we're talking about old times,



we're playing cards, and he's
clamped on me like a deer tick.

Give him a break.
He's your cousin.

What kind of big
news could this be?

Bet you he's gonna
tell us he's gay.

All right, he doesn't date much,

but he is not gay.

Please. He wore leather
pants to a Jet game.

Will you stop it? He's not gay.

He just called and said
he had some good news.

Uh, excuse me, if you're gay,

then being gay is good news.
Huh?

Danny, you're getting married.

Good for you.

Off the market.

Out of commission.

Yeah! Yeah, I was, uh...
Just at work one day,

taking a Sicilian pie
out of the oven,

when I hear the most
beautiful voice say,

"Can I have an end piece?"

Truth is, I went in
to use the phone,

but he looked so cute
all covered in flour.

You should see him
covered in pudding.

So when's the big day?

Oh, a week from Sunday.

Wow! That's quick.

We'd really love it if
you guys could make it.

Mmm, I can't. Sunday? Mm-mmm.

I got to I got to
run another 10k.

He's kidding, right?

Yeah, honey, he's kidding!

He always does this!
Classic Doug story, okay?

One day, when we were kids,

Doug decided to
remove the wing nuts

from the front wheel
of my bicycle.

Long story short... these are caps!
All caps.

I was fixing that. Trying
to soup it up for you.

Yeah, right. Soup it up.
I peddled twice,

the handle bars go like this,

I hit the mailbox!

Next thing you know,
I'm picking up my own

Chicklets off the driveway. Ha!

Oh, we laughed.

Yeah. It was fun. Good times.

Yeah. Good times.

So I'm gonna go... I'm gonna
go see if the coffee's ready.

Oh, let me help you, Carrie.

No, no, no. Sit,
sit, sit, sit, sit.

No, come on! I wanna help.

So she seems, uh, really
very nice, Danny.

Yeah. I got to tell you,
I was starting to wonder

if it was ever gonna
happen for me, you know?

All these years, I...
I would see

what a great thing
you and Doug have.

And I'd think, "Man..."

"if I can have half of that...

"I'd be the happiest
pizza-making son of a gun

this side of Dix Hills."

You're gonna make me cry.

And that was the last time

I ever threw up from drinking.

Uh-huh.

I mean, is there anything worse
than the dry heaves? Anything?

Nothing comes to mind.

I mean, I literally broke
blood vessels in my eyes.

Good evening, Douglas.

Hey.

And who's this
sweet young thing?

Oh, this is Eva.
Danny's fiancée.

Danny who?

My cousin Danny.

I thought you said
he was a fruitcake.

So, where are you having
this little shindig, anyway?

Ah, this nice little
place out in Manhasset.

Eva's, uh, maid of honor
is a waitress there,

so she got us a great deal.

Oh, that's great. And
who's your best man?

Ha. Oh, I'm not gonna, uh, I don't...
I don't have one.

You don't have a best man?

Nah! It's just, you know...

I wouldn't even know who to ask.

Can I help you with the coffee?

Yeah, thanks. Listen,
Dan, I know it's, uh...

it's not any of my business,

but, uh... Why don't
you ask Doug?

Ahh, he... He wouldn't do it.

And that's fine.

You know, I... I... I made
peace a long time ago

with the way things
are between us.

And how's that? Carrie...

I'm not exactly on
the speed dial.

Those are mostly restaurants.

Danny, Doug likes you a
lot more than you think.

Oh, please, I... he
wouldn't wanna do it.

I think you're wrong.
I think you're wrong.

Uh, you know what?
I'm just gonna stick

with the whole no best man
thing, and that's it.

Hey! No big deal.

I can carry my own ring, right?

Ha! That's what pockets are for.
Ha ha.

Hey, Danny, you
better get out there.

Arthur's putting the
moves on your fiancée.

He's... he's doing his
old-fashioned muscleman poses.

Thanks for the heads up.

Okay, got the coffee,
got the cake.

We should have them out
of here in 20 minutes.

Fifteen if I set
the eating pace.

Bye-bye.

Um, Doug...

Yeah?

You know, I was just talking
to Danny about the wedding

and stuff, and... wanna
hear something sad?

Yeah. What have you got?

He doesn't have a best man.

Uh-huh.

That's sad. You don't
think that's sad?

I guess it is, but
it's not my problem.

It's not my problem, is it?

Well...

Did you bring my name up?

Only to say that you would
love to be his best man.

I can't believe you!

Why did you do that?

You know what? This
area cannot close!

Doug, if you could've
just seen his face.

I mean, he was so sweet, and
he doesn't have anybody,

and he likes you so much.

He likes me too much, okay?

It's like "Single White Dougie."

Oh, God, why couldn't
he have just been gay?

All right, look,
Doug, relax, okay?

Because he's not gonna ask you.

He's afraid you would say no.

Good.

It doesn't mean you
can't ask him.

Okay, first of all, you don't
ask someone to be a best man.

You get asked. And
since no one's asking,

once again, this
area, shutty shutty.

You know, I would be lying
to you if I didn't tell you.

I'm a little
disappointed in you.

Oh, please. That's
not gonna work.

"I'm a little
disappointed in you."

Big deal. I'm full of letdowns.

Okay. Would you do me a
favor and take this out?

Mm-hmm.

I don't wanna do it.

Fine.

Carrie, I do a lot of nice
things for a lot of people.

I just don't feel like doing this.
You know?

Okay.

Oh, God, now I got to write
a toast and rent a tux?

You look good in a tux.

I look like a limo driver.

But a handsome one.

Why do you do these
things to me?

And don't worry, honey.

I'll help you with
the bachelor party.

I've never made a
best-man toast before,

so... I need a little
feedback just to, you know,

see if I'm headed in the
right direction, okay?

Let her rip.

"What can I say about
my cousin Danny?"

Okay, I got to stop this.

This is unbearable.

Arthur...

I only read, like, six words!

You're reading!
That's the point!

A speech needs to
seep from your soul.

All right, look, just
listen to the whole thing,

then tell me if
it's good or not.

Okay? Okay. Fine!

"What can I say about
my cousin Danny?

"He makes great pizza, and he's
gonna make a great husband.

"But I'm sure all
Eva cares about

is that he makes
a lot of dough."

All right.

"Danny and I have
known each other

"since we were kids,
and I always knew

"he'd find somebody special.
And, Eva,

well, you're just gonna
have to settle for Danny."

"Just kidding."

Uh, "Danny, Eva, I wish
you all the best."

So?

It stunk! All right?

There, I said it!

Wh-wh-what should I say?

You have to grab them.

Get them on your side!

How do I grab them?

Open up by hinting that
you slept with the bride.

Then pull a pair of panties
out of your pocket

and give her a little wink.
It kills.

ARTHUR: Sweetheart. Hey, guys.

Uh, Doug and I need a
pair of your panties.

Dad, I just can't
give you a bigger no.

Don't worry, Douglas, it
also works with a girdle.

Yeah, I'm sure it does.
You know what?

I'm gonna work on my own speech.
Thanks.

What the hell did you
get me into here?

I've been working on this
stupid toast for eight hours.

Eight hours? You got
one index card there.

Well, I took some breaks.

So I stopped at Coopers.

Everything's set for
the bachelor party.

All the beer, wine, sangria

you guys can drink
from 11 to 2 a.m.

All right, good. Well what's
the, uh, what's the damage?

Well, with the food and
everything, about $600 bucks.

Ok. Well, that's not that bad.

I got, uh, goannaianni
at the Pizza Place

to give me Danny's,
uh, address book.

So I invited, like,
25 of his friends.

So 600 divided 25,
uh, ways is, uh...

Hey, what you got in the bag?

You are gonna love this.

Are you ready?

Ball and chain.

It's funny, right?

You put it on Danny,
like, "hey..."

no more freedom for
you, buddy boy!"

That's good guy stuff
right there, right?

Did you keep the receipt?

Stop it.

Look, honey, I am...

I'm really proud
of you, you know?

You're doing something
for your cousin...

something you don't have to do.

Something sweet and kind
and, and beautiful.

Thanks.

Now let's pick out a stripper.

Hmm? Take a little
look see here.

What you got there?

Magazine with strippers in it?

Yep! Now, what do you like?

What floats your boat?

It's not about what
floats my boat,

you know, because...

you are my boat
floater, you know?

It's... It's really about what
Danny wants and how he...

Yeah, okay. Could you
just pick one, please?

Ok, yeah, uh, Tiffany
Towers, please.

Her? Doug, she looks like
she kissed the F-train.

Pick somebody else. All
right, then, uh...

How, how about her?

Her? What do you like about her?

I don't know. She looks
kind of nasty and mean.

You know, like, she's the head
of some all-girl biker gang

that picks me up after our
car breaks down and...

makes me service her and...

all her gang sisters.

Well, we are not
hiring her, okay?

Come on. Make a
serious pick here.

All right, uh, any
of these three.

These three? Here? Yeah. What?

Do you have any
standards at all?

Yeah.

Really? Well, could you
pick one woman here

that you would not
have sex with?

Uh, Doug?

Yeah?

It's a foreign transmission.

You might wanna go a
little easy on the clutch.

Settle down. I drive
for a living, okay?

Well, I just had it
tuned up yester...

Would you stop peeking?
No peeking, all right?

Loosen up. Let your
hair down, Agnes!

I'm loose. I'm ready. I'm ready.

Doug, let me ask you a question.

What? Did Carrie put
you up to this?

What? No!

No, no, no, no. She...
she mentioned

that you didn't have a best man.

And I was, like, what up?

Really? I... I mean,
you wanna be here?

Oh, believe me, I wanna be here.

The question is do
you wanna be here?

Because tonight's all about
having fun, so you in?

I guess. Yeah.

You guess? This is
your bachelor party!

Get crazy! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! There it is!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, Danny!

Pa-poww! Oh, you're spitting.

Okay, forgot name tags,
so why don't we, uh...

go around the room and
introduce everybody

and how you know them and
we'll kick it off with that.

All right? Okay.

Yeah. Uh... Well,
this is Gianni.

He... he works for me.

Yeah, how you doing? Is this it?
Because this is gonna blow.

No, no. No, no. Doug said
there's a lot more guys coming.

A lot of guys coming. We're gonna
have a full house tonight.

Full boat. Full boat.

So, anyway, uh, this
is, uh, Joe Rubino,

my father-in-law to be.

Hello.

And, uh... over here,
this is Klaus.

He owns the deli next
to my pizza shop.

Hello. How is you?

And, uh, last but not least,

this is, uh, Arthur,
Doug's father-in-law.

Gentlemen. Douglas, do you
have some festivities planned

other than this meet and greet?

Yeah, yeah. I got
a lot of stuff.

Oh, God, I almost forgot.

Stogies! All right, I
bought extras, so, uh...

smoke 'em up! Ok, boys?

All right! Okay. You know what?

Uh, d-d-do you mind if we don't, uh...
light them?

It's just my asthma.
I get, uh...

Yeah, okay, um... All right.
No problem.

That doesn't stop us from
chomping on them, though, huh?

Yeah, that's a
smooth chomp, yeah.

Hey, how about some music?

Stereo's broken. Okay.
Thank you.

Douglas, I'm starting to agree
with the Italian fella.

This is gonna blow.

So, Camaro, huh?

So how long have you been, um...

removing your clothes for money?

Since my sophomore
year in high school.

Great. That's great.

And, uh, bodyguard guy...

What was your name again...
Emil?

Yeah. Emil, yeah. I
like your tattoos.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Hey, who likes Lionel Richie?

Ahh...

Hey, Andy, it's Doug Heffernan.

I left you messages about
Danny's bachelor party.

If you're there, pick up. Okay,
buddy, pick up, pick up.

You there? Pick it up.
Pick it up.

You screening, guy?
Pick it up, pick it up.

Yeah, Joe, chug it
down, you warrior!

So, Daniel, how is
your pizza shop?

Oh, it's fine, fine, yeah.

Daniel, are you happy
with your bread guy?

Huh? Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah.

Would you give me his number?

Can it wait till Monday?

Of course...

but...

by Monday.

Look, you're invited to a
party, you show up, you dipwad.

Kick the crap out of me? I'll
kick more crap out of you.

Yeah!

Par-ty!

This blows. Where's the broad?

Don't you worry. She'll be here.

You just start stretching out.

Hey, Doug, if no one
else is showing up,

can I take the ball
and chain off?

No, no, no, not yet, okay?

Hey, have you seen that bride...
Eva?

She's a tasty slice of
cheesecake, am I right?

Eva's my daughter.

Then you know what I'm
talking about, huh?

A car. Okay, stripper's here.
Stripper's here.

All right, boys, get
your singles ready.

Here we go. Oh, yeah,
now we're talking.

Okay, that would be my wife.

Please tell me you
got a stripper.

Relax, I got her.

What the hell is this?

Why is there a maid here?

I think she's the stripper.

Carrie, what are you doing to me?
This is brutal.

Doug, it was the best I could
do on such short notice.

I'm killing myself here trying
to keep this thing going,

and you show up with...
Hopalong Assidy.

Doug, she is still a very
attractive girl, okay?

Just tell the guys not
to look in that area.

Oh, God Where are all the guys?

They're not showing because
Danny's such a freaking loser.

Hey!

Someone's a dirty boy. He
needs a little dusting.

Excuse me.

Damn it, I am into this.

Joe, look alive.

Huh?

Stripper, man.
You're missing it.

I can't blame him, Douglas.

This is pure torture.

Torture?

What bachelor party
are you at, right?

Yeah, it's riveting.
I'm out of here.

Whoa, Gianni, come on.
I bought a sheet cake.

You guys didn't hear that.
That's later on.

You know what? That's
it, that's it.

DOUG: What are you doing?

I'm going home. All
the facts are in...

Loser!

All right, I'll see
you at the wedding.

"Oh, I'm so proud of you, Doug.

"You're doing something
nice for your cousin.

Something kind and
sweet and beautiful."

Okay, so it wasn't my best idea.

It was the worst bachelor
party I've ever seen.

Make a right after
the Dunkin' Donuts.

Uh, some of you may not
know Eva very well,

but I've had the opportunity
to get close to her.

Real close, if you
know what I mean.

Eva, I believe these are yours.