The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 14 - Block Buster - full transcript

Hey, gang.

How you doing? How you guys doing?
Hi.

Oh. All right. You want a
little bump of the horn there?

There you go.

Yeah, I... I got you.
I'm fat. Big guy.

I like to eat the food.

Yeah, all right. You know what?
Turn around now.

That's not nice right there.
That's not nice.

I... I suck? I suck?
You... you suck!

That's right. Yeah. Oh,
yeah, you heard me.

Yeah. You want a piece of me?



Oh, yeah. Bye-bye.

See you. Yeah, thought so.
Thought so.

Whoa. I had a dream
like this once.

Only you were naked, and the
bread was Shania Twain.

So, what time are the St.
Gregory Cuspidors getting here?

Commodores, and they're
getting here at 5:00.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One piece of cheese

and one piece of pastrami?
What are you, insane?

It'll be fine.

It won't be fine.
Put more meat on.

I am doing this. Now,
stop following me

around the sandwich.

This is not a tea party.

These are fat, out-of-shape,
ex-football players.



They need meat.

I know.

I... I may not have
bought enough.

Oh, God. Well, honey,

it is hard to estimate

Six feet of cold cuts.

It'll be fine. I have...

I have lettuce and
tomato to bulk it up,

and if that doesn't work,

I'll spoon on some Bacos.

That will give it the
illusion of meat.

Now, excuse me.

Back away from the sandwich.
I work alone.

All right, all right, all right.
I'm sorry.

You know, I'm just
a little excited.

I haven't seen
most of these guys

in, like... Like 15 years.

I understand.

Not since we were the
1985 all-city champions.

I know. You tell me about it

every time you have
more than one beer.

Hey, honey. You want to see your
husband all buff and beautiful?

Uh, yeah!

Come here, come here, come here.
Look. Look.

Huh? Ooh.

I likes what I'm seeing.

Yeah. I was hitting the weights

pretty hard back then.

No, I mean this guy. Who's he?

That's, uh, Derrick Broadnax.

Great running back.

Is he, uh, is he coming tonight?

Yes.

Here's the play that won us

the championship. Right there.

Mmm. Where are you?

Um, I would be... I'm,
like, right over here.

It was my block that cleared
the field for Broadnax.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And he is coming tonight, right?

Would you stop? I'm kidding.

Well, you know, there's gonna be

a reporter coming from
the alumni magazine too.

He's doing a whole
story on the big game.

A game that I won with
an incredible block.

Did I mention that?

Yeah, I think I'm up to
speed on that. Yeah.

Ooh. Buster. He's in
a wheelchair now.

Who is?

Uh, Tom Busterman,
our right tackle.

He had a cliff-diving
accident a few years back.

Listen. When he gets here,
don't stare or anything, okay?

No? Because I was gonna
go for one of these.

Ooh! Ooh!

So, thanks. Thanks for
the heads-up there.

Well, I'm here.

Oh, man. He is coming too?

Thank you.

No, no, no, sweetie.

I don't think I bought
enough food, so don't eat.

No, don't worry.
I'm only staying

long enough to tell them all

that they're bastards.

Perfect.

Come on, buddy. All that stuff

was a long time ago, huh?

Hey, I know I was only
the equipment manager,

but I deserved to be
treated with some respect.

Everybody liked you, Spence.

Uh, yeah, and they showed it

by taking off my pants

and hanging me upside
down from the goalpost.

I admit, they were out
of line on that one.

They? I seem to remember
you being there.

Yeah, but I was only there
to keep things under control

and non-invasive.

Well, nice job.

Hey, Commodores!

Hey, let me get my
arms around you, man.

You can try if you want to.

How's it going, Broadnax?

Good.

What's happening?
Kelner, Cedeno.

What are you guys,
out on parole?

Oh, already starting in, huh?
Good to see you, man.

Good to see you. What's
happening, Billy?

Hey. Hi, how you doing, man?
All right.

Hey, nice place you
got here, man.

Yeah. 28 more years,
and it's all mine.

Hey, honey. Come here.
I want you to meet.

This is Billy, this is Michael,
and this is, uh, Derrick.

He's the one you
wanted to sleep with.

Shut up, honey. You
will blow it for me.

Hi, you guys. Nice to meet you.
How you doing?

Nice to meet you. Thank you.

Hey, is this where

the chowderheads are meeting?

ALL: Coach! Hey!

How you doing, man? All right.

Broadnax. Still rock hard, huh?

Heffernan, get over here.

All right. All right.

How you doing?

Oh, oh!

Uh, coach, this is
my wife, Carrie.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, one of you ladies want to
help me bring out the beer?

DOUG: Come on.

Hello.

Hey, Spence.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm fine, thank you. Listen.

I've had a lot of time to
think over the last 15 years.

Is this about all that stuff
we used to do to you?

Because I'll tell
you something, man.

Uh, we acted like morons.

Yeah, man. We really acted
stupid back in those days.

Yeah, I guess we just didn't
like ourselves too much,

so we took it out on you.

Anyway, we're really,
really sorry.

Thanks.

Hey, is this where the party is?

Hey!

It's Busterman!

Yeah. Hey.

Buster.

Sorry I took the back way,

the front steps looked
a little daunting.

No problem. Yeah.

So... 15 years.

Fifteen!

So how you been?

I've been great.
You know, I mean,

other than this,
you know, it's...

Oh, yeah... yeah, I
didn't even notice

that you were in a, uh...

So, how's that
working out for you?

I'm fine, man.

Right, fine, why
shouldn't you be fine?

I mean, you got a lot
of other great, uh...

I'm so sorry.

Doug, it's okay, you know?

Yeah, sure, if I had my choice,
I'd rather be walking...

Right, right, you know, I
should do more walking myself.

Again, so sorry.

Okay, so now Power Memorial
has the ball, right?

You guys are down 23 to 17

with less than 2
minutes left to play.

What's going through your minds?

I'm thinking, "Damn it, my
boys can still win this game."

Actually, I, uh, I
remember you cursing

and throwing a Pepsi can at me.

On the next play,
I call a blitz.

Yeah, so we rush them,

and I knock the crap
out of their QB,

and Mr. Cedeno
recovers the fumble.

Who da man? Huh? Who da man?
Yeah.

COACH: Then we pull
a double-reverse.

Broadnax takes it,
turns the corner,

then coming right at him I see
Matuka, their biggest tackle.

Oh, the guy was huge.

I figure, hell, somebody doesn't
bring down that Samoan,

kiss the season good-bye.

Then, all of a sudden,
like, out of nowhere...

Out of nowhere!

Somebody brings him down.

Right down.

Yeah, who was that, again? Uh...

Busterman, right?

COACH: Yeah! Great
block, Buster.

Nice job, Buster.

Busterman.

So with Matuka down,

there's nothing but
sweet green grass

between us and the
league championship.

COACH: I tell you something,

when Broadnax crossed
that goal line,

I wanted to run out there and
give him a great big wet kiss.

In fact, I think I did.

Hey, honey, listen,

I had to use some
bologna I found

way back in the refrigerator,

so if I were you,

I'd stay away from
that general area.

Coach just gave my
block to Busterman.

What are you talking about?

My big block.

For some reason, he
thought it was Busterman,

and the guy from the
alumni magazine,

he wrote it down.

Well, what did Busterman say?

Nothing!

He just sat there.

You know what I mean.

Well, why didn't
you say something?

Oh, like what, "Oh, yeah, I'm the
guy who made the big block",

not the guy who will
never walk again."

All right, honey, so it's over.

There's nothing you
can do about it.

Just forget it.

I can't forget about it, Carrie.

That block was my big
moment of glory.

I don't figure on getting
many more of those.

Especially considering the
amount of TV I watch.

Look, honey, I know how you feel.
I really do.

But look at it this way,

your friend's been
through a lot, you know?

He lost something precious,

something you still have.

Maybe giving him this
moment, you know,

makes his life a little
bit more bearable.

But it was my block.

All right, fine. So tell them.

Well, I should tell them.

Handicapped people
are always saying

how they don't want to be
treated differently, right?

I guess so.

So really, to not say something
is more of a slap in the face.

If you need to put a positive
spin on this, be my guest.

You know what? I do. So
if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna tell them right now.

Wh-what's going on?

Need to use the bathroom.
It's upstairs, right, buddy?

Right. Thanks.

Not the best time.

Remember the time

when you guys hid my clothes

when I was in the shower?

Right, then we locked you
in the girl's bathroom,

put the chair against the door.

I don't need to tell you
that scarred me for life.

Oh, man, kids can be cruel.

Yeah, you know we would never
do crap like that to you today.

Oh, believe me, I
would never let you.

Isn't it great, though,

seeing the whole
gang together again?

Huh? Isn't it?

Hey, Spence, whether
you let us or not,

we could still do it.

Well, what's the difference

whether you could
or not, I mean,

now that we're all friends.

I don't think so.

Oh, I think so.

Au contraire, mon frère.

He's doing that
French crap again.

Hey.

Hey. Just getting a water glass.

Oh, yeah, do you need, uh, some,
should I be helping you, or...

No, I got it.

Here we go.

DOUG: Whoa!

Nice move.

You should go on
Letterman with that.

That's nothing. You should
see me take a shower.

Hey, set the date.

Just kidding.

Hey, what you got
there, some pills?

Yeah, it's Prednizone.

It's a steroidal
anti-inflammatory.

It helps in blocking the pain
that's in the part of my spine

that I still have some
feeling in, you know.

I hear that.

You know, speaking of blocking,

Uh, that block that
sprang Broadnax,

that was sweet, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, great block. I
remember it so well.

Yeah, actually, I... I don't.

You don't, really?

No, I mean, ever
since the accident,

you know, being
unconscious for 12 days,

the old memory's kind
of hit and miss.

You know, it's a bit wobbly.

Really? Yeah, I mean,

I'll remember stuff when I
was 6 like it was yesterday,

but other stuff,
like the game...

It's just a big blur.

That's weird, huh?

Yeah. But, you know, it's kind
of nice to find out, though.

You know? I'm a hero! I
didn't even know it!

I made the big block!

That is nice.

Of course, here's a crazy
thought that just hit me.

You know, if a person can't
remember doing a certain thing,

can that person be sure he
or she actually did do it?

I don't quite follow you, Doug.

It's like that thing, you know,

if a tree falls in the woods

but doesn't remember falling...

but another tree tells
it that it fell,

did that tree actually fall?

Hmm. Yeah.

I don't know, Doug.

But thanks for the water.

W-w-w-whoa.

Something's still a little
wacky here, you know?

I mean, making a
game-winning block,

you know, I think a person
would remember that.

So, um, what are you saying?

What I'm saying is, it's the
last play of the game, right?

You got 240 pounds of angry
Samoan coming at you,

you take him down,
win the game...

That's hard to forget.

Actually, now that
you're talking about it,

I think I'm kind of remembering
making that block.

You know?

It's just like... Pow!
Boom! Yeah!

That's great, Doug. Thanks, man!

Glad I could help.

Yeah, a long time
since we all been

on a beer run together, huh?

Yeah, and this time
I'm not in the trunk.

Hey, it's like you told us,

it's a whole new Spence,

and you don't mess with him.

Uh-huh.

Look, I... I'm sorry

if I came down on you
guys kind of hard

with that French stuff,

because I know, words hurt.

Hey, forget it.

♪ Domo, domo

♪ Domo, domo

Oh, man...

Oh, liquor store coming
up on the right.

Uh-huh.

Uh, probably have beer there.

Yeah, but we want the beer
we had in high school.

Yeah, Old John's lager.

Oh, that stuff was brutal.

Same going in as
it was coming out.

Yeah, they, uh, they
probably wouldn't have it

in a little liquor
store like that.

Oh, right, right.

Oh, how about that place?

Won't have it.

That was called Tom's
Beer Warehouse.

Uh-huh.

Guys, why are we getting
on the expressway?

Doug?

What?

Where are you?

I'm in the attic.

What are you doing up there?

I'm looking for the
video of the big game

that my mom took.

Here, check this box.

Are you insane? You
could have killed me.

Sorry.

Check the box.

Christmas ornaments.

Nice work.

Oh, my God.

Would you stop obsessing
about that stupid block?

I'm not obsessing.

Ow!

You know what? Either skate
or get rid of these.

Doug, your friends
are down there

wondering where
the hell you are.

You know what? If
you're not gonna help,

you're just another
body in the attic.

Fine, I'm leaving.

"Boo-boo's big game."

Could this be it?

Yeah, that's it! Great!

Ahh!

Okay, remind me to
get a tetanus shot.

GUYS: Ooh! Man!

Oh, it's cool you
dug this out, man.

I didn't dig it out, I just
kind of stumbled on it

and figured, you know,

as long as we're talking
about the big game,

why not see it as it
actually happened, huh?

Hey, where's, uh...
Where's Spence?

I don't know. Haven't seen him.

Shhh, here it comes.

The play that sent us

to the state championship.

Honey, you want to
get the lights?

You might want to watch
this right here.

Yeah, watch it.

COACH: Whoa, look
at that boy run!

Like a beautiful black jaguar.

Oh, man, look at Matuka
come right at you!

And he's about to go down.

ALL: Oh!

Look at that.

It wasn't Buster who made
the block after all,

It was me. That's kind
of nutty, huh? Jeez.

What are you talking about, Heffernan?
It was Buster.

Oh, was it? You think so?

Well, you know what,
let's double back.

That's the beauty of videotape.

Okay, here comes Broadnax,

here comes Matuka,

and here comes big number...

57?

Yeah, 57. That's Busterman.

Fifty-seven? But I
wore number 61.

It was 61! It should be 61!

Heffernan, get a
grip on yourself.

No, okay? I made the block.

Busterman didn't make it,

I made the block. Write it down.

Write it down!

Okay, how about we have
that sub now, huh?

Who likes tuna? Show of hands.

I don't get it. I
know it was me.

I made that block.

Uh, come on, honey.

Why don't you help me

with that sandwich
in the kitchen.

Come on, come on.

I hope you're all wearing
your hungry hats.

Wow, that was uncomfortable.

I... I don't get this.

What the hell is going on here?

Well, honey, the game
was a long time ago.

Yeah, so?

So, sometimes your memory
can play tricks on you.

Like, remember... remember
when we were at the mall

and I was trying to remember
where I parked the car?

It was like, 2G, 5F? Pfft!
I don't know.

You don't believe I made
that block, do you?

I believe...

that you are a sweet
and wonderful person

who I'll love no matter what.

Oh, please.

Doug, come on,

just get the plates
for the sandwich.

This could still be a nice
party if you stop right now.

Now, what happened here?
What went wrong?

It's got to be the videotape.

Someone stole it
out of the attic,

doctored it, and put it back.

Who could it be?

Busterman!

He's the only one who
gains from this, right?

Okay, you work on that theory.

I'm gonna be out here.

They did it again.

Huh?

Took me on a beer run,

sent me in,

and drove off laughing.

And the sad thing is,

I went with them,
I trusted them,

because I wanted to be liked.

God, I am a pathetic,
disgusting waste of life!

You saw my block, right?

What?

My block in the big game.

You remember it, right?

Oh, when you took
down Matuka, yeah.

Yeah, so then it was me!
I knew it!

Who says it wasn't?

Everybody! The coach, the tape.

On the tape, it shows number 57.
Busterman.

Yeah, sure.

Sure? What do you mean sure?

Don't you remember
what happened?

No!

Two hours before the game,

Those sadists locked me
in the janitor's closet.

Naked. They love naked.

And then when I finally got out,

I was so frazzled I gave you
guys the wrong jerseys.

Don't you remember?

Oh, my God, that's right.

You got to tell them. Come on.

No, I don't want to see those
people for the rest of my life!

He's been under a tremendous
amount of pressure at work.

DOUG: Hey... Hey everybody!

Spence has got something
to say to you.

Spence?

You bastards.

For four years, you people
harassed and humiliated me

at every opportunity.

Well, let me tell you something.

Just because a young man

is small and hairless

does not give you the
right to ruin his life.

You can go to hell, all of you!

Oh, and Doug made the big block.

Not that it really matters.

That's Doug
Heffernan, H-E-F-F...

Wanna shoot me the mustard?