The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 15 - Frozen Pop - full transcript

Good God, it is cold!

What are you doing here?

I thought you had to go
in early this morning.

I did. I do.

But I have been out there
for the last half hour

trying to scrape the ice
off the stupid windshield.

I think my fingers broke
off into my gloves.

You gonna introduce me to that
frozen stuff under your nose?

Shut up. Come on, I'm late.
Will you help me, please?

All right, all right.
Dougie's here, okay?

You just relax, you
warm yourself up...



and let a man do a man's job,

Okay?

Looks like you're
wearing a dress.

Hey, don't sass me, woman.

Just hand me the tool.

Knock yourself out. All right.

Aiee!

You're taking the train.

Hey, Dad.

Hello, sweetheart.

My God, it is
freezing down here!

Yeah, it's a hell of a
cold snap we're having,

but don't worry. I'm quite fine.

Fine?



Your lips are blue.

I'm fine. If my lips are blue,

it's probably because

I was chewing some
novelty gum earlier.

You know what? This is crazy.

Come upstairs. You can sleep
in my office tonight.

Darling, please, I don't
need to come upstairs.

You're not freezing?

Well, I admit I was rather
cold a few hours ago,

but that passed.

Now, damnedest thing,

I just feel sleepy.

There you go.

Sweet Georgia Brown.

A chair that turns into a bed.

Now I've seen it all.

It's a futon. It's Japanese.

You've never seen one of these?

Not as such, no.

You got to hand it to
those Japanese, though.

Clever people.

Still a mystery to me how we
ever got them to surrender

in the second World War.

Well, we did annihilate
two of their cities.

True enough. Mystery solved.

Well, hello there, neighbor!

Hello.

Why'd he call me neighbor?

I'm moving him up
here for the night.

The basement was freezing.

How freezing?

Stop it.

All right, Dad. Make
yourself comfortable,

and if you need anything, you
just let me know, all right?

I need nothing. Now,
you kids run along,

do your thing, and
forget I'm even here.

Okay. Good night.

I love you.

Good night.

Douglas.

What's your preference
incense-wise,

vanilla or musk?

So just to review, I want to
order the deluxe miracle wand,

the waterproof pen, and three
cans of the spray-on hair.

ARTHUR: In orange, yes.
It's for a friend.

All right! Thank you for
your help, young man.

I can expect it on Tuesday?
Wow, that's speedy.

Where you located, anyway?

Indiana, huh?

The Hoosier state.

Carrie.

Mm?

I-I'm drenched in sweat.

Me too.

Do we have malaria?

It's boiling in here!

Ohh.

The thermostat is set at 90!

He's trying to cook us!

No. He probably just
got cold at night

and couldn't see the
numbers, that's all.

Oh, come on, he sees.

He sees exactly what
he wants to see.

Wha... whoa! What
are you, insane?

Well, I'm trying to
cool the room down.

Doug, we are hot and sweaty,
and it's 10 below out there.

That's how people die.

I need it open a crack.

Fine. I'm gonna go
make some coffee.

Oh, God... it's 6:30.

I haven't been up this early
on a Saturday since I was two.

Even then I was annoyed.

Morning, neighbor!

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

I love these cold, crisp days.
Don't you, Douglas?

Uh-huh.

You know, when I was a boy,

winter time was my
favorite time of year.

I remember one winter...

I couldn't have been more
than eight or nine...

No, I was 10...

No, no, I couldn't have been 10.

I was in the army.

Well, anyway,

there I was at Fort
Dix, and they put me...

TV: Well, we're heading into
our fourth day in a row

of subzero temperatures
with no end in sight.

Boy, is there egg on my face!

I said it was supposed
to warm up by Saturday.

Hope you didn't plan any
picnics on my say-so, ha ha!

You're so funny, yeah.

Oh, look at that. The
sun's got earmuffs,

and the big cloud is blowing!

You make me sick!

Morning, Douglas.

Wh-what are you doing?

Just getting a few things
to bring upstairs.

Have you read Lonesome Dove?

Can't say that I have.

Apparently it's "a gripping
epic tale of the old west."

I'll be sure to float it across
the hall to you when I'm done.

CARRIE: Hi, Dad.

Hello.

Don't hello me. Did you see him?

Did you? Did you?

Yes.

Yeah, and what was he carrying?

Some stuff.

No, no, not some stuff.

Some personal stuff.

All right, so he brought up a book.
Big deal.

No, two books, Carrie, two!

And one was thick as a steak!

And he had some clothes
and some kind of clock...

All right. What's your point?

He's nesting!

You showed him a nice, warm
place, and he likes it.

He's made it his own,

and now he's getting
ready to lay his eggs.

Okay, thank you for that image.

Carrie, what are we gonna do?
That's our space!

That's our... Arthur-free zone.

Doug, what do you want me to do?

I can't send him
back downstairs.

I mean, he might
freeze to death.

He might not. He
might not, right?

We can check on him
from time to time.

I can bring cocoa.

Doug, I am not making
him move downstairs.

It is too cold.

Why is it so cold?

What ever happened to
that global warming

they talked about?

I had such high hopes for that.

Honey, just relax, okay?

As soon as it warms back up,

he will go downstairs
all on his own, okay?

I'd like so much to
believe that's true.

It is. Trust me.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: and a
strong high-pressure system

moved into the New
York area overnight,

bringing balmy temperatures,

which should stay with
us through the weekend.

WCBS news time, 6:45.

Carrie.

Hmm?

Carrie, did you hear that?

The guy on the radio...

he said it's gonna be balmy out.

Balmy means warm, right?

It's balmy.

Ba-balmy, balmy.

It's ba-balmy, balmy, balmy.

It's balmy. It's balmy.

B-b-balmy...

Damn it, now I said it too much.
It's got no meaning!

Where's the dictionary?

Or I could just go
and open the window

and find out.

Yeah, do that.

Oh...

It is warm.

It is? Yeah.

It is!

Hee hee!

It's, like... it's,
like, 40 degrees out.

Oh my God... Hey, honey,
Look at the drippy icicle.

Oh. Oh, and look at
the little squirrel.

Hi there, fella.

Look at him. Look at him
with the little acorn

in his little hands.

Mmm.

Yeah. You're happy
because it's warm.

Yeah. Yes, you are.

Yes, you are... whoa!

Whoa, he really came at us, huh?

Yeah. He didn't look
quite right, did he?

So, uh... you gonna
go across the hall

and tell your father it's warm?

No. Why not?

Well, I don't want
to seem overeager.

It'll just spook him.

Let's just leave him alone.

He'll go back down
on his own tonight.

Carrie, I love you very
much, but if you are wrong,

I will tie you down outside
and sprinkle you with acorns.

ANGELA LANSBURY: when the
embezzlement came out,

Marian might add things up.

She might remember
the briefcase,

the missing money, who took it.

You had to silence her,

and once she was dead, the
case would be closed.

Oh, gosh, I am getting tired.

Whoo! Oh, yeah. Getting
on towards bedtime.

What a warm night.

It is warm, isn't it?

Oh, it's downright balmy.

Well, kids, I think
I'm gonna turn in.

Oh, yeah, you gonna?

You gonna...

head on down to bed?

Yeah. It's getting late.

Sleep tight.

You too, Dad.

Yeah. Good night.

He went down.

You see? I told you he would.

You did tell me, and thank
you for telling me,

and thank you for being
the smart and nice

and decent person I
always knew you were.

Just some beans in case I get
hungry in the wee hours.

Good night.

Doug...

you're hurting me.

Hey.

Greetings.

How was your day?

Very good.

Somebody misspelled the word
"plaintiff" in a brief today

and I caught it, so I'm thinking
any day now on that big raise.

CARRIE: Yeah.

Still up there, huh?

Oh, he's still up there.

Man...

any chance he's
up there packing?

He's been hammering.

Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

I think the person who
invited him upstairs

should put him on down, hmm-ski?

I have to evict my own father?

Yeah, that should be fun.

Hey, you know what? We can
make it fun, you know?

We'll hire a clown or maybe a
singing telegram, you know?

All right, I'm off key.

You got to imagine a
professional doing it.

Doug, how... how bad would it be

if we just let him
live in that room?

You mean that room.

That room.

That room.

Now, come on, stop it.
What are you saying,

you want him to live
across the hall from us?

Well, Doug, I don't
know what else to do.

I mean, it's so obvious he
just wants to be close to us.

You know, he's like a little kid

who wants to crawl into bed
with his parents at night.

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

You know? We should leave
the door unlocked.

That way he can come
in any time he wants,

and all three of us can spoon.
Yeah!

Look, I know it's not
ideal, but what if we...

What if we laid some ground rules first?
No, Carrie.

Like he can't talk on the phone
after 10:00, he can't cook...

Carrie. He can't keep
testing the smoke alarms...

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Honey,

it's not about the phone.

It's not about the smoke alarms.

It's not even about
the odd smells.

It's about the very essence

of him being across the hall.

It's wrong,

and we both know it.

But what if... Shh! Shh! Shh!

We both know it.

All right, a little up the
nose on that one, honey.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Oh. Hello, kids.

Hi.

I had this blown up
at the drug store.

The bastards took me for
11.95, but it's worth it.

Um... Dad,

Doug... Doug and I
were just thinking...

Hope you didn't sprain anything.

I tease with love.

Come in. Relax.

Help yourself to
a sucking candy.

Oh. You've gotten pretty
comfortable up here, huh?

Oh, yeah. That cold snap

was a blessing in disguise.

Of course, I feel badly for
the 12 people who died,

but for me,

it couldn't have
worked out better.

Well, actually, Dad,
the thing is, uh...

Yes, darling?

Well, now that it's...
That it's...

That it's warmed up, um...

we just thought that, uh...

you know, you should...
Well, we should all go back

to our original living...
situations.

I don't follow.

Well, like, um...

Ahem... You know, we should
all go back to the rooms

that we were in before it
got so cold, you know?

Like, uh, oh, like Doug...
Doug and I

we were... were in
that room, so...

I guess we would probably
stay in there then, right?

Yeah. Right. Okay, yeah.

And then you, Dad,
you should, uh...

I should move back
to the basement.

Is that where you
were, down there?

Oh! okay, great! Good!
So we're all set.

Okay, so you need help
moving anything, or, uh...

I must say I feel
rather foolish.

I didn't realize...

this arrangement was
such a problem for you.

It's not a... it's not a problem per se.
It's just...

You were up, you're down,
it's crazy, you know?

Before, when we needed
you, it was, like,

"Hey, where's Arthur?"

"Where is he? He's
in the basement.

He's Basement Artie."

That was our nickname for you.

Yeah. Can't change it now.

Please, don't insult
my intelligence.

If my presence here is
so distasteful to you,

at least have the courtesy
to say it to my face.

So be it.

Well, I understand.

I'll reimburse you
for the spackle.

Delicious chicken, Carrie.

You've outdone yourself again.

Thank you, Dad.

I made it just the
way you like it.

Nice and pink inside.

Douglas,

your anecdote about the
vending machine at work

was amusing, yet quite poignant.

Thank you, Arthur.

Think I'll call it a night.

TV WEATHERMAN: Well, folks, if it felt
like it was getting colder today,

it wasn't your imagination.

Jack Frost is back
with a vengeance.

Temperatures should drop
well below zero tonight

and stay down in that range
through the weekend.

I'm getting my long johns
out of the closet, Steve.

How about you?

Nighty-night.

Okay, Dad, come on.
What are you doing?

Just reading a bit
before I retire.

Okay, Dad, you made your point.

Now, come on. You have to
sleep upstairs tonight.

Sleep upstairs? But
I'm Basement Artie.

I'd hate to lose
that little moniker.

You know what? You
can jump in anytime.

Um...

C-come on, Arthur. We both
want you to come upstairs.

Unless you're positive
you're okay down here.

Doug.

Uh, come on up, Arthur.

Yeah, Dad. Stop being a martyr.

You will freeze to
death down here!

Oh, will I?

Well, let me tell
you both something.

I'd much rather freeze by
the natural hand of God

than by the icy chill you two
have created up in that room!

Of course, I speak figuratively.

I very much want to live.

Okay, that's enough, Dad.

You are sleeping upstairs,

and that is final.

No, I am not.

Yes, you are. No!

Fine. Fine. You know what?
You want to sleep down here?

That's fine. But you
will not have a blanket,

and you will not have a pillow,

and you will not have
a light bulb... Ow!

Dad, would you just
come upstairs?

I will not.

I will not sleep across the hall

from two people who do
not want me near them,

and that's final!

Could you move over?

I have one leg off
the side as it is.

And give me some blanket!

Watch the knee!

Yeah, it was quite a time.