The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 16 - Fair Game - full transcript

Arthur, what are you doing?

What does it look like
I'm doing, Einstein?

It looks like you're unloading
dirty dishes, Einstein.

They're clean, Einstein.

No. They're dirty. I
just loaded them,

and I went to the store to get
a box of detergent, Einstein.

Well, why didn't you leave a
note saying that, Einstein?

Stop calling me Einstein!

Stop calling me Einstein!

No big deal. Okay?

We'll just reload the
dishwasher and wash them.



Okay. Now, which... which of
these did you already put away?

Let's see. I definitely remember
putting away a blue bowl

with big white and
yellow sunflowers on it.

Okay. We don't own
anything close to that.

We might have a problem.

All right. Then we
have no other choice.

We're just gonna have to
wash everything we own.

This never happened.

Right-o.

CARRIE: Really?

Oh, God, it must be so
annoying when they do that.

Hey.

All right. So we're off
for tonight, I guess.

Deacon and Kelly canceling?



Yeah. They can't get a sitter.

All right. No biggie.
You know what?

We'll just do our
own thing tonight.

Hey, you wanna go to
the batting cages?

Batting cages? Batting cages?
Uh-huh.

We'll do the batting cages.

Oh, that sounds like a fun idea.

What sounds like a fun
idea, batting cages?

All right. So we'll
just come by at 7:00.

Why are we coming
by at 7:00, Carrie?

Carrie. Carrie. Carrie. Carrie.
Carrie-Carrie-Carrie.

Carrie. Carrie.
Carrie-Car-carrie.

Carrie, why... Carrie...
Could you hang on a second?

Would you shut up?

Just let me know
what's happening.

They invited us over
for game night.

There's no game on tonight.

Board games, okay? All right.
So, we'll see you at 7:00.

Should we pick up some deli?
Board games? Board games?

No. No. Batting cages!

Okay. All right. All right.
We'll see you then.

Okay. Bye-bye. My God,
are you annoying.

Well, why did you agree to that?

What, she thought it'd be
fun to have game night.

What was I gonna say?

You say, "No, Kelly, you're wrong.
It won't be fun."

All right. Could you stop making
a production out of this?

Now, look, Richie and
Donna are coming, too.

We'll sit. We'll drink. We'll
play board games. Big deal.

Game night.

More like gay night.

Okay. And on that
incredibly clever note,

could you go take a shower?

Well, Douglas, sounds like

you got yourself roped
into one deadly evening.

Game night. Brutal.

You see?

Just go get ready.

Unfortunate timing, too.

I just fell into two tickets

to the Knicks/Lakers
game tonight.

Really? How did you get those?

They were a gift
from my friend Willy

over at Swifty's Dry Cleaners.

Apparently, his regular client,

a certain Mr. Latrell Sprewell,

had a nasty cranberry juice
stain on his felt hat

which Willy was able to remove.

Willy happens to owe me a favor.

Long story short...
Section 4, row A.

I'm sorry you couldn't make it.

Carrie, Knicks/Lakers.

All right. Fine. Go.

Thank you. I love you.
I'm in, baby.

This is awkward. Truth be told, I
don't know anyone named Willy.

I only made up the
story to taunt you,

and it obviously
backfired on me.

My apologies.

That was a rough one.

Ice cream. Cone?

Ice cream.

Chocolate, vanilla,
scoop, dessert.

Da da da a da.

Ice cream.

Flavors, um, sundae, Tom
Carvel, cookie-puss.

Come on! I need more here!

Ice cream.

I mean another word, Doug.

Time's up!

What the hell was it?

It was 'truck.' Ice cream truck.

You know, Good Humor
with the bell?

It was a good clue.

Doug, you drive a
truck for a living.

How about, "What I
drive for a living?"

That would've been another
way to go with it, yes.

All right. What's the score?
What's the score?

Okay. It's 18 for you
guys and 19 for us.

Uh, 25 wins, so next
round's for the money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are we?

Let's just say you're
well in third.

Yeah. Well, that's okay. This
is where we make our move.

That's right, sweetie.

All right. You
ready there, Rich?

Flip it.

Clock's ticking.

How about a clue, Rich?

Say something.

Time!

It was turtle.

So why didn't you
give me a clue?

I thought of a good one, but
it had the word turtle in it.

All right. Good strategy.

Well, folks, this could be it.
For the win.

Bring it. You ready?

Yeah. Go.

Famous ruin in Italy.

Tower of Pisa. No. Nassau...

The Coliseum! Yeah.

Peppermint... Peppermint,
peppermint twist!

Peppermint schnapps! Yes.

The Colorado... River!

No. Colorado... Time!

Was it Rockies?

Yeah, but, man, I thought
we had more time than that.

Yeah. It goes fast, doesn't it?

Okay. Honey, come on.
Our turn! Our turn!

Hey, it turned out to be a
fun night after all, huh?

Yes. Fun night. Yep. Yeah.

Especially because it looked
like we were gonna lose,

and then, boom! Turned itself
right around, out of nowhere.

Yeah. By the way, I
promised Kelly a rematch

at our house on Friday.
Is that cool?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

You know what I really love
about being married to you?

Not having to pay for sex?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good, too.

No, uh, what I meant was

that we're always
there for each other.

You know, talk...

to admit stuff.

Why? You, uh, you have
something you want to admit?

Me? Uh, yeah. Yes. Yes.
As a matter of fact,

yes, I do.

Well, what is it?

Uh, well, tonight, at
Deacon and Kelly's...

Yeah? I...

I stole a bar of soap.

You stole soap? Why?

Well, it wasn't just a
regular bar of soap.

It was one of those
nice decorative ones,

looked like a seashell.
Had to have it.

So, where is it? Um,
it's, uh, it's gone.

I washed my hands with
it and now it's gone.

So you didn't actually steal it.

You just used it.

Well, either way, I
was very, very wrong.

I wouldn't worry
too much about it.

Phew. Feels good to get
that off my chest though.

Man, what a relief.

Once again, I'm good
with the man upstairs!

Ahem. How about you?
Got anything?

No.

So, when we're driving home,
I gave her every possible

chance to come clean, and nothing!
You know?

Like it never happened.

She just sat there like ice.

I don't know.

You think I'm making
too much of this?

What do you think?
Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'd have
more of an opinion

if I'd been invited to
this little game night.

Don't look at me, all right?

Kelly put the whole
thing together.

I had nothing to do with it.

And believe me, you're
lucky you missed it.

Oh, yeah. I feel lucky. I got
to stay home, eat cheatsheetos,

and watch the E!-true Hollywood
Story of Leif Garrett.

Will you listen to me? It
was a couples thing. Okay?

You and a furby don't count.

Now, will you just
give me your opinion?

Fine. I... I think
you're overreacting.

So she cheated at a board game.
That's not so terrible.

See? You just don't
get it, do you?

I've been with her
for six years.

I thought I knew her. I thought
I knew everything about her.

Now I feel like I
hardly know her at all.

I mean, if we went on
The Newlywed Game,

we'd... we'd come in last.

Actually first, because
she'd probably cheat.

This is just so weird.

I don't know what the
hell's going on here.

Wait a minute. I know
what the problem is.

What?

I made a comment to
Kelly last week,

and I think she
took it racially.

That's why she didn't invite me!

It was delicious fried chicken.

I shouldn't say anything?

Hey! Hey.

You're late. Yeah.

I just, uh, stopped off and
had a beer with Spence.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

We were just talking,
just chit-chatting.

Do you know he's got
a third nipple?

Wow. That's a weird one.

Yeah. Threw me, too.

Listen, I'm, uh, kind of beat.

So I'm just gonna grab a beer

and hang out in the
living room till dinner.

You all right with that?

Sure. You can also
pee if you want.

You don't have to ask.

Ha. I might take you up on that.

Man, my pockets
are just stuffed.

So I'm gonna leave
everything here for now.

If that's all right, you know?

What have we got in here?
Gosh, I got some keys...

Well, what else? Ooh, Jolly Rancher gum.
Look at that.

You ever choose this stuff?
I know why he's jolly.

And all this bundle of cash.

Gosh, I don't even know how
much is there, you know?

Who's got time to
count nowadays?

Uh-huh.

Anyhoo, all right,
uh, so I'm gonna go

crash on the couch now.

You do what you gotta do,
and you and I we'll...

We'll regroup later, okay?

You got it, Butch.

Okay.

Hey!

What's up?

Forgot my beer. Nothing
like a little alcohol

to pull you under, huh?

I got a beer.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

I think the question is,
what are you doing?

I'm trying to cook dinner.

Oh, really? What are we
having, cash-foo-yung?

I was just moving your crap.
What the hell is going on?

Why are you watching me?
Because...

I saw you cheat at game night.

What? What are you
talking about?

That's crazy.

Carrie, I saw you do it. I
saw you flip over the timer

When Deacon and Kelly
were about to win.

What? Would you...
Would you stop it.

It fell, and I put it back,

Maybe the wrong way.

Yeah. Fell. Okay. Then
how do you explain

you picking up the card, looking
at it, and putting it back, huh?

I... I did not. Excuse me,
you gave me a good clue,

so I got the answer.

Oh, please. Okay? The
word was "snorkel,"

and my clue was
"that curvy thing."

You see, I got the image.

We had a good thing going there.

Carrie!

All right. Fine. So, I
turned over the timer

and looked at the stupid card.
Big deal.

You don't think it's a big deal?

You know what? Let me
tell you something,

I think it is a big deal because
I've been walking around

here for the last two days,

worried that my wife is some
sneaky, shifty little sicko.

Oh, so that's why you decided
to lay your trap for me

with your enticing
$12 in singles, huh?

Where... where are the
video cameras, huh?

Ooh, are you wired?

All right. All right.
Now, stop it. Okay?

Listen to me!

All right. That was stupid.

I admit it, but...

I was worried about you.

You were worried about me?

Maybe you should worry
about yourself, buddy boy.

What do you mean?

Excuse me? When we
go to the Sizzler,

you don't steal
from the salad bar?

Uh, any shrimp that falls
on the ice is up for grabs.

And besides, the Sizzlers
are not our friends.

Look, Doug, did
anybody get hurt?

No. We all had a good time,

and we'll all have a good
time again this Friday,

So just drop it. Okay?

Having another game
night on Friday?

Yeah. Damn.

What?

Well, I was feeling badly

about my cruel practical
joke the other night

regarding the Knicks.

So as a gesture of good will
I went down to the Garden,

and I purchased tickets
for Friday night's game.

Really? That was very
nice of you, Arthur.

Mind you, they're
not great seats,

but they're the best I could
do on such short notice.

Unfortunately, I didn't know

you had another game
night scheduled.

You know what? I don't
feel very much like going

to game night on Friday,

so count me in,
my little friend.

Once again, this is awkward.

Game night. Let's get
things rollirolling'.

How about some Oppo-Zoppo?

"The game where
opposites attract."

What else you got?

Well, we got Naught-t, where
the letter "t" is taboo,

or Baby Talk, which is actually

too annoying to even consider.

Uh, Oppo-Zoppo sounds fun.

All right. Well, let's
just Oppo some Zoppo.

You know what? Who says we have
to play board games at all?

Hey, you guys wanna
light bags of dog crap

and leave them on
people's porches?

What are you talking about?
We had fun last time.

Yeah. Besides, you can't
just win and walk away.

We got... we got business
to take care of.

Guys! Guys. Guys. Guys.
Guys. Guys.

I, um, I have... I have
a confession to make.

Um, last week, when
we were playing, I...

I think I may have cheated.

Actually, I did cheat. I did.

You cheated? How did you cheat?

Well, I flipped over the timer.
I looked at a card.

I told you one of your
right answers was wrong.

I just got caught up.
It was really stupid.

I'm very sorry.

It's okay.

Carrie, don't even worry about.

It's a game. It's
not a big deal.

Yeah. It's no big deal.
You know?

So you guys are not mad?

No. No.

Come on. How could we be mad?
You're Carrie.

It's really fine, hon.
Really fine.

Let's Oppo-Zoppo!
DEACON: Let's do this!

Box. Box...

Spring. Oppo-Zoppo.

Fall. Yeah!

Yay! Whoo!

Guess you found your game, Rich.

Yeah. I was beginning to
think you didn't have one.

Well, any game that gets
Donna jumping up and down

is the game for me. Oh, stop.

Hey, hey, you guys are two
points away from winning.

Get out of here.
Let me see that.

KELLY: You've got 48.
They got 40.

KELLY: We only have 36.
DEACON: We better get on it.

KELLY: Yeah, baby.

We had a great time.
Not a problem.

Great. Goodbye.

You guys are 2 & 0, but next
time you're going down.

You know where we live.
It's just a game.

Who cares who wins, right?
Bye-bye.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know! You're
unbelievable!

Peeking at cards, moving
our thing extra spaces,

You know, once I started to look
for it, it was quite a show.

And what was that whole
confession thing about, huh?

Was that just to throw
them off track?

No. I meant that! You
know, when I said it.

And then you still cheated.

Well, I wouldn't have
had to if you had

given me one decent clue.

Oh, now I understand. So, it's
my poor Oppo-Zoppo skills

that have forced you to become
a pathological liar. Got it!

I am not a liar. I'm a cheater.

My bad.

What do you want from me, huh?

I agree with you. I
know this is wrong.

It's just that when we're
in the heat of the game,

something comes over me.

I can't stand the
thought of losing,

so I just... I snap.

You know, it's just stupid.

At least now I understand why
you always beat me at Scrabble.

Huh? Oh, actually,
that's all you.

You were right. I am just
a sneaky little shifty...

what did you call me... A dingo?

No. A sicko. Sicko. You're not.

You're not. All right.

Look, you're not a
dishonest person, Carrie.

You just have this one
very weird problem.

Well, let's just hope
it's just one thing.

Just in case, watch your back.

I will.

All right. I have a headache.

I'm gonna go upstairs to bed.

Okay. I'll be up
in a little bit.

Okay.

Hey, you think I
should call everybody

and confess again?

No. No, please. Let's not
go back to that well.

What's going on? It's Carrie.

The weirdest thing. Every time
we get together with our friends

to play board games, she...
she cheats.

She cheats? My little girl?

That's impossible. Arthur,
I've seen her do it.

No. No. She may put
some cotton in her bra

from time to time, but she
does not cheat at board games.

She admitted it.

Really? Yeah.

Huh. That's so unlike her.

When she was a little girl,

we used to play
games all the time.

And she was never like this?

Oh, no. No. Goodness no.

She was always so
sweet, so considerate.

Oh, the fun we used to have.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

You sure you wanna
go there, darling?

I think so, Daddy.
All right, then.

You lose. Sorry!

Loser! Winner!

Too bad, chump. Maybe next time!

I'm number one! I'm number one!

I'm number one! I'm number one!

Yeah!

Oh, the fun we had.

Good memories.

Well, sorry I couldn't shed
more light on this, Douglas.

Honey, I think I know
what's going on! Honey!

Ahem.

You sure you want to
move there, darling?

I think so.

I'm sorry, dear. You
seem to have lost,

but that's perfectly all right.

Yes, it is. Because I'm still
a good and valuable person.

Indeed you are.
That being said...

Winner! Loser!

Okay, let's try it again.