The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 17 - Meet By-Product - full transcript
Back when Doug was a nightclub bouncer and Carrie a shop seller, Doug's buddy from the nightclub successfully asked Carrie out for a date. But Carrie wanted her friend Lynn to come along so Doug agreed for a double date. Doug's buddy made sure their neighbor's dog would be present at their bachelor pad. While it was eventually only the buddy and Lynn who had chemistry, Carrie accidentally allowed the dog to run off. While driving to find the dog, their ongoing common dislike was intensified until Carrie asked to leave the car near a bus station. The episode ended as Doug drove back to said bus station to try having a second chance with Carrie.
DOUG: ♪ Love exciting and new
♪ Come aboard me
♪ I'm expecting you
♪ The Doug Boat
All right, all right! Enough!
What? That's my
Valentine's Day thing.
Yes. It's adorable.
Now, could you step aside here
and let a little bit of
hot water hit me, please?
Here. Hold on. How's this?
How does that feel?
Like I'm being spit on.
Now, come on. Stop.
You have to move aside here.
Why don't you slide up in here?
I can't, sweetie.
There is no room.
You have to move.
There you go. Whoa!
Okay.
Okay, how's that? Yeah. Better.
All right.
Good. Because I'm not
done serenading you yet.
Now, I'm gonna kick
things up a notch,
if you'll indulge me
with a little ditty I
think you might remember.
♪ Engh-engh
♪ Engh engh engh-engh
♪ Engh engh engh-engh
♪ Everybody dance now
♪ Buhm...
Honey, I hate that song.
Really, I do.
You hate it? What are you talking about?
It's our song.
Our song?
What do you mean, it's our song?
That was the song
that was playing
the first time I met you.
It was? Yeah. You
don't remember?
♪ Everybody dance now...
People, let's keep
it to the right.
Keep it to the right.
What's up, guy? Welcome
to Wall Street.
Can I see some ID?
♪ Give me the music
♪ Everybody dance now
So this is your ID?
Yes, my ID.
Okay, you know what?
First of all, lose the
attitude, friend, okay?
I'm just doing my job.
Fine, but that's my ID.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah. You got Doug. What's up?
Yeah, it's cool.
Front door's secure.
Okay. Out.
All right, so
Connecticut ID, huh?
What are you doing down here?
I go to school here.
Oh, I see. Okay, so,
you're from Connecticut
and you go to school down here?
Yeah.
You know what? Not
buying it, okay.
Hey, people, the line!
What's up, ladies?
Welcome to Wall Street.
Can I see some ID?
Actually, mine was stolen,
but I swear I'm 22.
Enjoy the club.
Okay. People, the line!
Okay, guy in the mesh shirt,
bye-bye.
Yeah, take it easy. Don't
even waste my time.
Moose, Moose, could
you get out of here?
What are you talking about?
I just started working.
Yeah, I know, I know. But I
just met this girl at the bar,
and I think I can get
her back to our place.
Only thing, she won't
go without her friend.
Guy, I just started
my shift, guy.
This area must remain clear!
Come on, Moose,
you got to do this for me.
Hey, no. Please?
No. I'm not getting stuck with
"the friend" again, okay.
The friend is never as
good as the actual girl.
That's not true this time.
This one is really cute.
That's exactly what you said last time.
You remember her?
Who? Who? This one.
DEEP VOICE: "Oh, Doug..."
I don't know. This
just feels right."
Didn't stop you from
sleeping with her.
Well...
All right, give me a couple
of minutes, all right?
Yes! I'll go get the ladies.
Hey, Gerard. Yeah, I need you
to come to the front door.
My uncle just got killed.
Thank you.
Yeah. He's in a
better place now.
Okay.
What's up, ladies. Doug.
This is Carrie. How you doing?
Good.
And this is Lynn.
Hey, I love your headset.
Oh, yeah. This? Yeah, yeah.
It keeps me in touch
with my staff.
I don't rest unless I
know they're all okay.
Huh? That's cool.
No. That's survival.
Hey, it's called "excuse me"!
Why don't you try it next time?
Yeah. This woman's a tiger.
All right, I don't know if
I'm loving the arm thing.
Oh, sorry.
All right, so you ladies,
you got the address.
We'll see you back at our house?
Okay, bye.
So, what do you think?
Mine's great.
Yours seems kind of bitchy.
Come on. Come on. Hurry up.
Hurry up.
We got to hurry up and
de-crap this place
before they get here.
We got... We got,
like, two minutes.
There's no way we're
gonna get it all.
Oh, my God, you're right.
All right, look, don't panic.
We just got to concentrate
on the big stuff, all right?
What's the most disgusting
thing about this place?
I got to go with the smell.
All right, find it.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Good, good, good.
Hey, Moose,
what happens if we both
get lucky tonight?
Who's gonna get the bedroom?
That's a classy
problem, my friend.
Whoa! I think I found the smell.
Oh, good, man. Way to go.
That is bad. But that's not it.
It's more in the meat family.
I'll keep looking. All right.
Hey, I got a good idea.
Why don't we got a book
for the coffee table?
This way, it looks like we read.
Oh, good, good. Good idea.
Good idea.
You got one?
Yeah. You know what? I
got it in my old, uh...
SAT study book, okay?
I'll break it open and
I'll highlight some crap.
Oh, you know what, I forgot.
I got to go get something.
I'll be right back.
Whose dog is that?
It's that guy down the hall.
What the hell you doing with it?
When I was hitting on Carrie,
I told her I rescued a
stray from the pound.
A pound rescue? That's good.
Can I get in on that with you?
You know, like, we both
saw him, we fell in love?
Actually, I already told
her you fought me on it.
Oh, great. I hate
abandoned dogs.
Thanks, thanks. Way
to start me off.
Oh, God, they're here.
All right...
Yeah. Come on up!
What the hell are you doing?
What are you talking about?
That's my spot. Get out of it.
I ain't moving. Get out of here.
Get out.
Sorry, man, but I need my spot.
I look good here.
Fine.
How do I look?
Suck in your gut.
It is in.
Then you look good.
How do I look?
You look like a stud, man.
You're the man.
You're the man!
Okay, look, we're both the men.
There can be two men, okay?
So cool out.
You gave them the
apartment number, right?
Okay, let's try one from
the analogy section.
"Pride is to lion as
what is to goose"?
Flock!
No. No, I'm sorry.
The correct answer is gaggle.
That answer again... Gaggle.
Start drinking, honey.
A quick question: is this
the whole evening here?
Because I got to
admit, I didn't study.
It's a drinking game. It's fun.
It's the SAT's.
Don't you have
any real games?
I gave all our real games
to the kids I tutor
at the orphanage.
Oh, you tutor orphans.
That is so sweet.
Yeah, I guess. You know...
It just doesn't feel like
enough, though, you know?
I mean, these kids have
been given nothing,
and society...
Is... Bad.
God, you are such
a sensitive guy.
It's hard to believe
that you bounce.
Do you, you know, get into a
lot of fights at the club?
Well, you know,
I try everything I
can not to fight.
It's like I tell my
boys, "Always be nice.
"Be very nice...
"Until it's time to not be nice.
Then, be very not nice."
I love that.
Yeah. I can't take
full credit, though.
Patrick Swayze said
it in Road House.
Oh, I never saw that movie.
You never saw it?
It's only the greatest
movie ever made,
except for Risky Business.
Really?
So...
Carrie...
Yeah?
You like baseball?
Well, I've been to
a few Met games.
Yeah? The Mets,
the amazing Mets.
You know why they
call them that?
Because they're amazing.
Well, that clears
up that mystery.
You know what else
would be amazing?
Hmm?
Your beautiful body in my bed.
Yeah. You're right.
That would be amazing.
What's up with your dog?
Oh, that?
Ah, he's okay. He's fine.
Hey, buddy! Come here, buddy!
Come on! Come to Daddy! Come on!
Oh, I forgot. He's deaf.
Okay, how about some beers?
Yeah. Let's keep this
party rolling, huh?
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah.
All right, ladies, get ready,
because we're coming up on
the vocabulary section.
Hurry.
Oh, Carrie, Richie is so cute.
You did good.
I did good? The guy's a moron.
Then why did you want
to come back here?
I don't know. I
liked his cologne.
Plus, he seemed a lot smarter
when he was completely
drowned out by music.
I'm telling you, he
should walk around
with a boom box
strapped to his head.
I'm serious.
You like your guy?
Oh, Dan?
Yeah, he's, you know,
kind of sweet.
I don't think his name is Dan.
I am so in.
You are. You are
doing good, Moose.
But I don't know about
Carrie, though.
Yeah. She's quite a
cupcake, that one, huh?
I don't get it. We were totally
hitting it off at the club.
I look good, right?
You say I look good.
You look great, man.
She's so into you.
It's a go for Richie.
I don't know.
Maybe you've just got to
kick things up a notch.
It's time to bust out
the heavy artillery.
Huh?
This is pretty cool, huh?
Yeah. It's kind of trippy.
Hey, check out my choppers.
Oh, that is so cool.
And I love this album.
Oh, these guys are great.
Me and Richie went to
their concert last year.
We got totally wasted.
Richie got a shirt.
Cool.
So, Carrie?
Yeah?
You feeling what I'm feeling?
I don't know. Are you
feeling nauseous?
A little bit.
What kind of beer is this?
It tastes kind of weird.
Oh, it's Canadian.
It's stout lager. Ale.
Mm. There's definitely
something wrong with it.
Actually, mine tastes
a little weird too.
Mm... Not weird. It
tastes like gin.
You put gin in our beers?
I was out of vodka.
It's not funny, you idiot.
RICHIE: Hey, I was just
trying to loosen things up
a little bit!
You've been bitching and moaning
since you got here.
You're like my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry. You
don't like me, Fonzie?
Well, that's okay.
All right, Lynn, come on.
Get your mini-backpack.
We're going.
Carrie, come on!
What the hell are you doing?
Why are you spiking the beers?
I was trying to get them in bed.
Okay, that explains theirs.
What about mine?
Ladies, ladies, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on, man. There's
no reason to go.
Yeah, Carrie, I agree with Dan.
I mean, you are making a
huge deal out of nothing.
Who?
Oh, am I?
When should I make a big
deal about it, huh?
When we're stuffed in oil drums
and buried under their building?
Did she call me Dan?
Hey, you know what? Just go.
And I'll tell you
something else.
It's your loss,
because I was gonna show
you my fireman's uniform.
Oh, really? Because I was
gonna sleep with you
just so I can hear your little
amazing Mets story again.
What was it? Oh, yeah.
"They're amazing."
That's great. Let's go.
Let's go.
I'd love to see your
fireman's uniform, Richie.
Wha... Lynn!
Well, I'm sorry. I would.
All right, come on.
His uniform's nothing!
I got a little league
uniform that blows it away!
Lynn, come on!
You're my ride home!
WHISPERING: He's so cute!
Lynn!
Lynn?
Lynn?
Lynn?
What are they doing?
What do you think they're doing?
I don't know.
Maybe he really is just
showing her his uniform.
I heard moaning.
Maybe she's injured.
Yeah. That's it. That's it.
I don't believe this.
She was my date.
Yeah? Well, I got news for you.
Your date's not going so well.
All I know is if you
would have gone in there
and checked out his
stupid uniform,
I'd be with Lynn right now and
everything would be fine.
Hey, hey, don't
blame this on me.
If you can't get Lynn
to sleep with you,
that's your fault,
because I'll tell you, she
sleeps with everybody.
That's great. Yeah, good.
Keep it coming.
What the hell is that smell?
We don't know!
Will you take a break from
your bad personality?
Excuse me, Billy Ray Dufus,
but I happen to have a
very nice personality
when I am not sitting
in a stinky apartment
being drugged
with a disgusting
gin/beer cocktail!
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Well, if you're gonna puke,
don't puke here, okay?
You got to puke in the bathroom.
All right, could you stop
saying the word "puke"?
Because it makes
me want to puke.
Okay. I didn't know it
was gonna make you sick.
I won't say it anymore.
You want to see my
collection of puka shells?
Okay, I work in a bar.
I've seen hundreds
of people puke.
They've all managed to miss me.
Congratulations.
But on the plus side,
this place has a new smell now.
Hey, listen, um...
Thanks for holding my hair back
when I was throwing up.
Ah, forget about it.
I was basically just
steering you away
from my Sports Illustrated.
Look at that. A little
smile there, huh?
See? You look nice
when you smile.
You should try to work
that into the rotation
a little more often.
Ha ha.
So, uh, bouncing,
that's your thing?
You like that?
Yeah, you know. It's...
It's good for now.
I like working with my hands.
It's really just a
stepping stone, though.
To what?
I want to open my
own sandwich shop.
Uh-huh.
You know, a little
neighborhood place
where people can come by if they want...
A sandwich.
A sandwich shop. That's...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, you know, like, a cool
little place, you know?
With great sandwiches,
and each sandwich would be
named after one of my buddies.
Oh, sounds great.
But what if you
have a falling out
with one of your buddies
and he represents a
classic sandwich?
I didn't work out all
the details yet.
So how about you?
What do you do?
Well, I'm currently interviewing
for a very high-powered
executive assistant position
in Manhattan,
but, uh, right now I'm
working at Food Town.
Ahem.
Oh, the one on Hillside Avenue?
No. The one on
Northern Boulevard.
Oh...
Because I... I go
to the other one.
But I'm sure they're all...
Good.
Yeah, I mean, it's a chain.
Pretty standard. Yeah.
Wait a second. Where...
Where's the dog?
I don't know.
Why is the door open?
You left the door open!
I did not!
You did so! Before, when
you were about to leave!
No. I'm sure I closed it!
No, you didn't! Do you see area?
It should be covered by this!
Well, I am sorry!
I was a little disoriented
with your little light show.
Okay?
Richie! Guy!
Uh, not a great time, Moose!
Yeah, Carrie left the door
open and the dog got away!
So?
So I think someone
should look for him.
And if you remember, I
was against getting him.
So I think it should be you.
Moose, I'm begging you.
Stop talking!
DOUG: All right, fine,
but I'm not going and
looking for the dog,
so you can forget it.
LYNN: Dan?
Yeah?
Could you get me a Fresca?
Nah!
Wait a minute. Wait.
Aren't one of you guys gonna
go look for your dog?
It's not even our
dog, all right?
Richie borrowed him
from a neighbor
to impress you with
his sensitivity
so you'd sleep with him.
RICHIE: He doesn't
tutor orphans!
Shut up!
Where the hell is that dog?
Do you think that maybe
we can put the top up?
Excuse me. It's a
sports car, okay?
You want to get the
whole experience.
Otherwise, you might as well
just drive a station wagon.
I'm freezing. Could you
please put the top up?
It's broken.
Then could you at least
put the heat on?
It's broken.
This is great.
Supposed to sit in
this piece of crap
while the wind rakes
through my hair?
It's perfect.
What are you worried about?
You got enough
hairspray in there
to stop a bullet.
Excuse me.
This happens to be a
style from a magazine.
Oh, yeah?
What magazine is that?
The Too Much Hairspray Gazette?
Okay, you know what?
Let's just look for
the dog, okay?
I would love to
look for the dog.
Well, good. Why don't you
start calling his name, then?
Because I don't know his name.
Well, say something.
Fine!
Lassie!
Spot!
Toto!
Wait, wait, wait. I
think that's him.
Where?
Right in front of that house.
Oh, wow,
he's really giving himself
a once-over, huh?
This is nice, real nice.
Yeah, well, I'm
glad you're happy.
Could you please not sit
on my softball stuff?
You know, I was gonna
stay home tonight.
I really was.
Oh, yeah?
Well, thanks for slapping
on a couple coats of paint
and coming out.
You know what? Stop the car.
I'm just kidding
around, all right?
I said, stop the car!
Aah! Pinch the guy driving.
That's smart.
I'm getting out.
Where you going?
I'm going home.
There's a bus stop
right over there.
You can't go to that
bus stop, all right?
This is not a great
neighborhood.
I will take my chances!
I'm serious, okay?
I will leave you.
Good. Go.
I... You know... I'm serious!
I'm not coming back!
So. Good. Don't.
Fine!
What are you doing?
Oh, she's so annoying.
She has high hair.
She totally didn't get
the sandwich shop thing.
Just pull away, man.
Just pull away.
Oh, God.
Let me understand this.
You're from Utah, and
you're visiting New York?
Yeah.
Sorry. I'm not buying
it, "Donald Osmond."
People, the line!
♪ Come aboard me
♪ I'm expecting you
♪ The Doug Boat
All right, all right! Enough!
What? That's my
Valentine's Day thing.
Yes. It's adorable.
Now, could you step aside here
and let a little bit of
hot water hit me, please?
Here. Hold on. How's this?
How does that feel?
Like I'm being spit on.
Now, come on. Stop.
You have to move aside here.
Why don't you slide up in here?
I can't, sweetie.
There is no room.
You have to move.
There you go. Whoa!
Okay.
Okay, how's that? Yeah. Better.
All right.
Good. Because I'm not
done serenading you yet.
Now, I'm gonna kick
things up a notch,
if you'll indulge me
with a little ditty I
think you might remember.
♪ Engh-engh
♪ Engh engh engh-engh
♪ Engh engh engh-engh
♪ Everybody dance now
♪ Buhm...
Honey, I hate that song.
Really, I do.
You hate it? What are you talking about?
It's our song.
Our song?
What do you mean, it's our song?
That was the song
that was playing
the first time I met you.
It was? Yeah. You
don't remember?
♪ Everybody dance now...
People, let's keep
it to the right.
Keep it to the right.
What's up, guy? Welcome
to Wall Street.
Can I see some ID?
♪ Give me the music
♪ Everybody dance now
So this is your ID?
Yes, my ID.
Okay, you know what?
First of all, lose the
attitude, friend, okay?
I'm just doing my job.
Fine, but that's my ID.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah. You got Doug. What's up?
Yeah, it's cool.
Front door's secure.
Okay. Out.
All right, so
Connecticut ID, huh?
What are you doing down here?
I go to school here.
Oh, I see. Okay, so,
you're from Connecticut
and you go to school down here?
Yeah.
You know what? Not
buying it, okay.
Hey, people, the line!
What's up, ladies?
Welcome to Wall Street.
Can I see some ID?
Actually, mine was stolen,
but I swear I'm 22.
Enjoy the club.
Okay. People, the line!
Okay, guy in the mesh shirt,
bye-bye.
Yeah, take it easy. Don't
even waste my time.
Moose, Moose, could
you get out of here?
What are you talking about?
I just started working.
Yeah, I know, I know. But I
just met this girl at the bar,
and I think I can get
her back to our place.
Only thing, she won't
go without her friend.
Guy, I just started
my shift, guy.
This area must remain clear!
Come on, Moose,
you got to do this for me.
Hey, no. Please?
No. I'm not getting stuck with
"the friend" again, okay.
The friend is never as
good as the actual girl.
That's not true this time.
This one is really cute.
That's exactly what you said last time.
You remember her?
Who? Who? This one.
DEEP VOICE: "Oh, Doug..."
I don't know. This
just feels right."
Didn't stop you from
sleeping with her.
Well...
All right, give me a couple
of minutes, all right?
Yes! I'll go get the ladies.
Hey, Gerard. Yeah, I need you
to come to the front door.
My uncle just got killed.
Thank you.
Yeah. He's in a
better place now.
Okay.
What's up, ladies. Doug.
This is Carrie. How you doing?
Good.
And this is Lynn.
Hey, I love your headset.
Oh, yeah. This? Yeah, yeah.
It keeps me in touch
with my staff.
I don't rest unless I
know they're all okay.
Huh? That's cool.
No. That's survival.
Hey, it's called "excuse me"!
Why don't you try it next time?
Yeah. This woman's a tiger.
All right, I don't know if
I'm loving the arm thing.
Oh, sorry.
All right, so you ladies,
you got the address.
We'll see you back at our house?
Okay, bye.
So, what do you think?
Mine's great.
Yours seems kind of bitchy.
Come on. Come on. Hurry up.
Hurry up.
We got to hurry up and
de-crap this place
before they get here.
We got... We got,
like, two minutes.
There's no way we're
gonna get it all.
Oh, my God, you're right.
All right, look, don't panic.
We just got to concentrate
on the big stuff, all right?
What's the most disgusting
thing about this place?
I got to go with the smell.
All right, find it.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Good, good, good.
Hey, Moose,
what happens if we both
get lucky tonight?
Who's gonna get the bedroom?
That's a classy
problem, my friend.
Whoa! I think I found the smell.
Oh, good, man. Way to go.
That is bad. But that's not it.
It's more in the meat family.
I'll keep looking. All right.
Hey, I got a good idea.
Why don't we got a book
for the coffee table?
This way, it looks like we read.
Oh, good, good. Good idea.
Good idea.
You got one?
Yeah. You know what? I
got it in my old, uh...
SAT study book, okay?
I'll break it open and
I'll highlight some crap.
Oh, you know what, I forgot.
I got to go get something.
I'll be right back.
Whose dog is that?
It's that guy down the hall.
What the hell you doing with it?
When I was hitting on Carrie,
I told her I rescued a
stray from the pound.
A pound rescue? That's good.
Can I get in on that with you?
You know, like, we both
saw him, we fell in love?
Actually, I already told
her you fought me on it.
Oh, great. I hate
abandoned dogs.
Thanks, thanks. Way
to start me off.
Oh, God, they're here.
All right...
Yeah. Come on up!
What the hell are you doing?
What are you talking about?
That's my spot. Get out of it.
I ain't moving. Get out of here.
Get out.
Sorry, man, but I need my spot.
I look good here.
Fine.
How do I look?
Suck in your gut.
It is in.
Then you look good.
How do I look?
You look like a stud, man.
You're the man.
You're the man!
Okay, look, we're both the men.
There can be two men, okay?
So cool out.
You gave them the
apartment number, right?
Okay, let's try one from
the analogy section.
"Pride is to lion as
what is to goose"?
Flock!
No. No, I'm sorry.
The correct answer is gaggle.
That answer again... Gaggle.
Start drinking, honey.
A quick question: is this
the whole evening here?
Because I got to
admit, I didn't study.
It's a drinking game. It's fun.
It's the SAT's.
Don't you have
any real games?
I gave all our real games
to the kids I tutor
at the orphanage.
Oh, you tutor orphans.
That is so sweet.
Yeah, I guess. You know...
It just doesn't feel like
enough, though, you know?
I mean, these kids have
been given nothing,
and society...
Is... Bad.
God, you are such
a sensitive guy.
It's hard to believe
that you bounce.
Do you, you know, get into a
lot of fights at the club?
Well, you know,
I try everything I
can not to fight.
It's like I tell my
boys, "Always be nice.
"Be very nice...
"Until it's time to not be nice.
Then, be very not nice."
I love that.
Yeah. I can't take
full credit, though.
Patrick Swayze said
it in Road House.
Oh, I never saw that movie.
You never saw it?
It's only the greatest
movie ever made,
except for Risky Business.
Really?
So...
Carrie...
Yeah?
You like baseball?
Well, I've been to
a few Met games.
Yeah? The Mets,
the amazing Mets.
You know why they
call them that?
Because they're amazing.
Well, that clears
up that mystery.
You know what else
would be amazing?
Hmm?
Your beautiful body in my bed.
Yeah. You're right.
That would be amazing.
What's up with your dog?
Oh, that?
Ah, he's okay. He's fine.
Hey, buddy! Come here, buddy!
Come on! Come to Daddy! Come on!
Oh, I forgot. He's deaf.
Okay, how about some beers?
Yeah. Let's keep this
party rolling, huh?
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah.
All right, ladies, get ready,
because we're coming up on
the vocabulary section.
Hurry.
Oh, Carrie, Richie is so cute.
You did good.
I did good? The guy's a moron.
Then why did you want
to come back here?
I don't know. I
liked his cologne.
Plus, he seemed a lot smarter
when he was completely
drowned out by music.
I'm telling you, he
should walk around
with a boom box
strapped to his head.
I'm serious.
You like your guy?
Oh, Dan?
Yeah, he's, you know,
kind of sweet.
I don't think his name is Dan.
I am so in.
You are. You are
doing good, Moose.
But I don't know about
Carrie, though.
Yeah. She's quite a
cupcake, that one, huh?
I don't get it. We were totally
hitting it off at the club.
I look good, right?
You say I look good.
You look great, man.
She's so into you.
It's a go for Richie.
I don't know.
Maybe you've just got to
kick things up a notch.
It's time to bust out
the heavy artillery.
Huh?
This is pretty cool, huh?
Yeah. It's kind of trippy.
Hey, check out my choppers.
Oh, that is so cool.
And I love this album.
Oh, these guys are great.
Me and Richie went to
their concert last year.
We got totally wasted.
Richie got a shirt.
Cool.
So, Carrie?
Yeah?
You feeling what I'm feeling?
I don't know. Are you
feeling nauseous?
A little bit.
What kind of beer is this?
It tastes kind of weird.
Oh, it's Canadian.
It's stout lager. Ale.
Mm. There's definitely
something wrong with it.
Actually, mine tastes
a little weird too.
Mm... Not weird. It
tastes like gin.
You put gin in our beers?
I was out of vodka.
It's not funny, you idiot.
RICHIE: Hey, I was just
trying to loosen things up
a little bit!
You've been bitching and moaning
since you got here.
You're like my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry. You
don't like me, Fonzie?
Well, that's okay.
All right, Lynn, come on.
Get your mini-backpack.
We're going.
Carrie, come on!
What the hell are you doing?
Why are you spiking the beers?
I was trying to get them in bed.
Okay, that explains theirs.
What about mine?
Ladies, ladies, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on, man. There's
no reason to go.
Yeah, Carrie, I agree with Dan.
I mean, you are making a
huge deal out of nothing.
Who?
Oh, am I?
When should I make a big
deal about it, huh?
When we're stuffed in oil drums
and buried under their building?
Did she call me Dan?
Hey, you know what? Just go.
And I'll tell you
something else.
It's your loss,
because I was gonna show
you my fireman's uniform.
Oh, really? Because I was
gonna sleep with you
just so I can hear your little
amazing Mets story again.
What was it? Oh, yeah.
"They're amazing."
That's great. Let's go.
Let's go.
I'd love to see your
fireman's uniform, Richie.
Wha... Lynn!
Well, I'm sorry. I would.
All right, come on.
His uniform's nothing!
I got a little league
uniform that blows it away!
Lynn, come on!
You're my ride home!
WHISPERING: He's so cute!
Lynn!
Lynn?
Lynn?
Lynn?
What are they doing?
What do you think they're doing?
I don't know.
Maybe he really is just
showing her his uniform.
I heard moaning.
Maybe she's injured.
Yeah. That's it. That's it.
I don't believe this.
She was my date.
Yeah? Well, I got news for you.
Your date's not going so well.
All I know is if you
would have gone in there
and checked out his
stupid uniform,
I'd be with Lynn right now and
everything would be fine.
Hey, hey, don't
blame this on me.
If you can't get Lynn
to sleep with you,
that's your fault,
because I'll tell you, she
sleeps with everybody.
That's great. Yeah, good.
Keep it coming.
What the hell is that smell?
We don't know!
Will you take a break from
your bad personality?
Excuse me, Billy Ray Dufus,
but I happen to have a
very nice personality
when I am not sitting
in a stinky apartment
being drugged
with a disgusting
gin/beer cocktail!
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Well, if you're gonna puke,
don't puke here, okay?
You got to puke in the bathroom.
All right, could you stop
saying the word "puke"?
Because it makes
me want to puke.
Okay. I didn't know it
was gonna make you sick.
I won't say it anymore.
You want to see my
collection of puka shells?
Okay, I work in a bar.
I've seen hundreds
of people puke.
They've all managed to miss me.
Congratulations.
But on the plus side,
this place has a new smell now.
Hey, listen, um...
Thanks for holding my hair back
when I was throwing up.
Ah, forget about it.
I was basically just
steering you away
from my Sports Illustrated.
Look at that. A little
smile there, huh?
See? You look nice
when you smile.
You should try to work
that into the rotation
a little more often.
Ha ha.
So, uh, bouncing,
that's your thing?
You like that?
Yeah, you know. It's...
It's good for now.
I like working with my hands.
It's really just a
stepping stone, though.
To what?
I want to open my
own sandwich shop.
Uh-huh.
You know, a little
neighborhood place
where people can come by if they want...
A sandwich.
A sandwich shop. That's...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, you know, like, a cool
little place, you know?
With great sandwiches,
and each sandwich would be
named after one of my buddies.
Oh, sounds great.
But what if you
have a falling out
with one of your buddies
and he represents a
classic sandwich?
I didn't work out all
the details yet.
So how about you?
What do you do?
Well, I'm currently interviewing
for a very high-powered
executive assistant position
in Manhattan,
but, uh, right now I'm
working at Food Town.
Ahem.
Oh, the one on Hillside Avenue?
No. The one on
Northern Boulevard.
Oh...
Because I... I go
to the other one.
But I'm sure they're all...
Good.
Yeah, I mean, it's a chain.
Pretty standard. Yeah.
Wait a second. Where...
Where's the dog?
I don't know.
Why is the door open?
You left the door open!
I did not!
You did so! Before, when
you were about to leave!
No. I'm sure I closed it!
No, you didn't! Do you see area?
It should be covered by this!
Well, I am sorry!
I was a little disoriented
with your little light show.
Okay?
Richie! Guy!
Uh, not a great time, Moose!
Yeah, Carrie left the door
open and the dog got away!
So?
So I think someone
should look for him.
And if you remember, I
was against getting him.
So I think it should be you.
Moose, I'm begging you.
Stop talking!
DOUG: All right, fine,
but I'm not going and
looking for the dog,
so you can forget it.
LYNN: Dan?
Yeah?
Could you get me a Fresca?
Nah!
Wait a minute. Wait.
Aren't one of you guys gonna
go look for your dog?
It's not even our
dog, all right?
Richie borrowed him
from a neighbor
to impress you with
his sensitivity
so you'd sleep with him.
RICHIE: He doesn't
tutor orphans!
Shut up!
Where the hell is that dog?
Do you think that maybe
we can put the top up?
Excuse me. It's a
sports car, okay?
You want to get the
whole experience.
Otherwise, you might as well
just drive a station wagon.
I'm freezing. Could you
please put the top up?
It's broken.
Then could you at least
put the heat on?
It's broken.
This is great.
Supposed to sit in
this piece of crap
while the wind rakes
through my hair?
It's perfect.
What are you worried about?
You got enough
hairspray in there
to stop a bullet.
Excuse me.
This happens to be a
style from a magazine.
Oh, yeah?
What magazine is that?
The Too Much Hairspray Gazette?
Okay, you know what?
Let's just look for
the dog, okay?
I would love to
look for the dog.
Well, good. Why don't you
start calling his name, then?
Because I don't know his name.
Well, say something.
Fine!
Lassie!
Spot!
Toto!
Wait, wait, wait. I
think that's him.
Where?
Right in front of that house.
Oh, wow,
he's really giving himself
a once-over, huh?
This is nice, real nice.
Yeah, well, I'm
glad you're happy.
Could you please not sit
on my softball stuff?
You know, I was gonna
stay home tonight.
I really was.
Oh, yeah?
Well, thanks for slapping
on a couple coats of paint
and coming out.
You know what? Stop the car.
I'm just kidding
around, all right?
I said, stop the car!
Aah! Pinch the guy driving.
That's smart.
I'm getting out.
Where you going?
I'm going home.
There's a bus stop
right over there.
You can't go to that
bus stop, all right?
This is not a great
neighborhood.
I will take my chances!
I'm serious, okay?
I will leave you.
Good. Go.
I... You know... I'm serious!
I'm not coming back!
So. Good. Don't.
Fine!
What are you doing?
Oh, she's so annoying.
She has high hair.
She totally didn't get
the sandwich shop thing.
Just pull away, man.
Just pull away.
Oh, God.
Let me understand this.
You're from Utah, and
you're visiting New York?
Yeah.
Sorry. I'm not buying
it, "Donald Osmond."
People, the line!