The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Shmenkmans - full transcript

DOUG: Okay. Two pieces left.

Two pieces left.

Oh, boy.

One piece left. Okay,
let's do the math.

I'm on my third. He's had
two, and this is her second.

Okay, she's out of the game.
She's a two-slicer.

It's between me...
and the old man.

Technically, he is
entitled to it,

but I should be okay. After all,
I am the only one counting.

ARTHUR: Three slices, and
he's eyeing his fourth.

No wonder he's huge.



Well, that one's got my
name on it, big man.

DOUG: Oh, God. He made eye
contact with the slice.

I gotta throw this one
down and grab it.

ARTHUR: Oh, so that's
your game, is it?

CARRIE: Oh, God.

They're racing for the
last piece again.

I'm pretty full... But
let's have some fun.

God, that restaurant
was good, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was. I hate when
those waiters come around,

they ask if you want
fresh ground pepper.

I always choke, you know?

It's like, "I can't decide
with you standing over me."

Yeah. Why can't they just leave
the pepper mill on the table?

Exactly.



They carry it around
like it's gold.

I know! It's pepper, you know?
It's like dirt.

Carrie, your place is great.

Yeah. You might
recognize the furniture

from a little shop called Ikea.

Ah, yes.

Here you go. Here's that
article you wanted.

Fabulous. Thank you.
You're welcome.

And also there's a great
review of a new steak house

that just opened up on
Northern Boulevard.

Apparently, they fly
their steaks in

from Chicago or something.

Yeah, any interest in
going Saturday night?

Hey, anytime meat is flown to
me, you caught my attention.

Sounds good. Abby?

Uh, yeah, I'll check our book,
but I'm 75% sure we can do it.

Okay, great, great.
This is great.

It's great seeing you.
We had a lot of fun.

All right, take it easy, now.

Okay.

Marc and Abby.

You see? I told you
you'd like them.

You're right. I'm
sorry I fought you.

It's just that you met
Abby at yoga class.

Sounded pretty weak.

Yeah, I know, but we were both

mocking the instructor.

I had a good feeling.
It worked out great.

I mean, I like Marc,
you like Abby.

I even like Abby, you like Marc.

There's crossover appeal.
That never happens.

What are you doing?
We just had dinner.

Just a late-night once-over.

Oh, look at that. New package
of American cheese slices.

Not taking any.
Just good to know.

It's also good to know that
I will be taking a pudding.

You know what I like
about Marc and Abby?

No kids. Oh, it's a
beautiful thing.

I mean Deacon and
Kelly are great,

but it's always like, oh,
they can't get a sitter,

this one has an earache,

that one swallowed a marble,

blah, blah, blah. Very annoying.

But Marc and Abby? No strings.

You know what they are? They
are our new go-to couple.

Yeah. It's like we can
call them up on a whim...

and boom! We're on a Lear jet to
Monte Carlo with the Shmenkmans.

Honey, their name
is not Shmenkman.

It's Shropshire. Shropshire?

Shropshire. Too hard. I'm
sticking with Shmenkman.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Kel. What's going on?

Oh, all right. Hold on a sec.

Deacon and Kelly wanna
go out Saturday night.

They got a sitter.

We got the Shmenkmans
on Saturday.

Is that definite?

Well, they said 75%.

Hit the mute. Okay.

Hit it. I don't
know where it is.

There. Okay. I'm gonna test it.

It works. All right.

So what about Saturday night?
What are we gonna do?

Marc and Abby gave us 75%,
but if that falls through

and we say no to Deac and Kelly,

then we got nothing.

All right, so what do we do?

We gotta hold Deacon and
Kelly until we know.

Tell them we're 75%
sure we can do it.

Carrie, the Shmenkmans
gave us 75%.

We only have 25% to give.

Well, we're not gonna hold
Deac and Kelly with 25%.

Cheat it. Bump it up to 50.

Kel? Yeah. Sorry about that.

I... saw a bird. Uh, anyway,
about Saturday night,

um, we're 35% sure
we can make it.

Hmm? Okay. Would it
help if I said 40?

Okay, then we'll do it
some other time, then.

Would you please give them 50?

Huh? Oh. Okay, hold on a second.
How about Sunday brunch?

Oh, yeah, there you go.
We'll do it here.

Yeah, that sounds great,
and we'll do it over here.

Hmm? Oh, yeah, no. No,
bring them along.

That's fine.

Yeah, okay, mm-hmm. Okay, bye.

They're bringing the kids.

What was I gonna say?

Hang on to your hats, people.

I got news.

I was over at that newsstand

that has papers from all
around the country,

and I grabbed myself
an Akron Beacon.

Take a gander at this.

What am I supposed
to be reacting to?

It's a coupon for Sergeant
Salty's Deep-sea Corn Loops.

And should I be happy or... sad?

Happy. It's the greatest
breakfast cereal known to man.

When I was a boy, I'd pour
myself a big bowl every morning

and listen to The Sergeant
Salty Radio Hour,

where I'd be regaled with the
adventures of Sergeant Salty

and his trusty
sidekick Bugle Dog.

Well, I'm glad you
found it, Dad.

Yeah. I thought they'd
stopped making it

when it came out
that Sergeant Salty

kept a small Chinese woman
locked in his basement.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Abby.

Oh, you can't make Saturday?
That's too bad.

What's that? Uh, just
hang on one second.

Yeah. Now they want
Sunday brunch.

Well, this is a fine mess.

We gotta call Deac and Kelly

and try to get
Saturday night back.

And say what? Our
better offer canceled?

That's like a slap in the face.

You know what? Let's just
all have Sunday brunch.

Good. Do that. Okay.

Abby? Yeah, Sunday is great.

We'll do it here at my house.

Some other friends of
ours are gonna join us.

Is that cool? Okay, great.
We'll see you Sunday at 11:00.

All right. Bye, sweetie.
Well, that worked out.

Man, people are really into us.

He's one of those guys who
leaves incredibly long messages

on the machine.

I come home, I gotta
go to the bathroom,

I hit the button, it's like,

"Heeeeey..."

"guy..."

"It's Bob!"

"How you doing?"

"Gimme a call back. I'm at..."

Oh. Oh, your baby
is so adorable.

Both your kids. Thank you.

Actually, Marc and I
have been talking about

whether it's time to have one
of these little guys ourselves.

KELLY: Oh, really? Wow.
You should do it.

We think we might.

Really? So soon?

You guys have only
been married 2 years.

Haven't had time to
enjoy each other yet.

It's true. Kids
really do take over.

We haven't seen a
movie in a theater

in probably six months.

We have no life.

We're at the movies
literally every night.

Yeah.

On the other hand, there's
just something about it.

It's like all my
priorities changed

the day we found out
we were having Kirby.

And when they smile at
you and call you Daddy,

I'll tell you what,
it's the best.

Oh, Marc! I know.
Maybe it's time.

You know, having a baby

really does ruin your
body, though, Abby.

It... it... it never comes back.

Except for you.

Thanks.

Can I hold him? Oh, sure.

Watch out, Abby. That
one's a drooler.

Hey there. Oh, look, Marc.

Hey there. Hello.

I have very small feet.

Hey, Marc, what's the
deal with capers, huh?

I don't know.

Okay, here's our home
phone, my work phone,

Marc's work phone,

our e-mail, which is always

the best way to reach
us, and cell phone.

Oh, great. Thanks.
All right, guys.

Thanks a lot. Sure.
You're welcome.

See you tomorrow. All right.
Bye-bye.

Bye.

Wow. Work phone, home phone,

cell phone, e-mail.

Yeah, they really don't
wanna lose touch, do they?

It's good, though.

You know, now our friends are
friends with each other.

It's nice when you can
make that happen.

Yeah, absolutely.

Son of a bitch. They
stole the Shmenkmans.

Arthur, got a package for you!

It's my Deep-sea Corn Loops.

Sweet diggity!

Whoa! You gotta sign here first.

Oh, I see. So, that's how
you're gonna play it, huh?

I'm not playing anything.

You gotta sign it.
That's our policy.

Well, you must think
I'm a damn fool.

I sign your fancy
electric doodad,

and you got me.

I'm in your computer,

I'm on your list, and
pretty soon, you know

what videos I rent, and
I'm considered a pervert.

I'm begging you.

All right.

Thanks. "Schmarther Schmooner."

Okay. You beat the system.

Douglas, get some milk and
prepare to be delighted.

Oh, okay.

Gotta use your hands, huh?

You know, you can tilt the box.

That's the way most people go.

Well, I'm not most people.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh!

This is taking me back.

Give it a try. All right.

They're salty.

And what part of "Sergeant
Salty" didn't you understand?

I understand what "salty" means.

It's just not a great
quality in a cereal.

These were beloved by millions.

I don't care.

Cereal shouldn't taste
like a Slim Jim.

Sweet diggity. Are you ignorant.

Hey, hon. Hey.

Mmm.

What's in the box?

A life supply of Stinky Loops.

Good, good. So, listen, I just
got off the phone with Kelly,

and it's official:

She and Deacon are going
out with the Shmenkmans.

Really?

Yup. Dinner this Saturday night.

Ain't that a kick in the chops?

I knew we shouldn't
have let them

leave together after the brunch.

We should've kept
one couple here.

You're so right.

We had them. We had them right here.
What happened?

I'm sure your burping
in the middle of brunch

didn't help matters.

Whoa. What just happened here?

Are you blaming this on me?

No. I'm just saying
it might be possible

that not everyone enjoys a
sausagey burp as much as I do,

which, p.s., is not that much.

Okay, yeah, yeah. And
you telling them about

your deviated septum
surgery for 40 minutes,

that's really what
won them over.

They asked.

Yes, but you know what?
Here's a nice little phrase

you might wanna learn
in the future:

it's called, "long story short."

Okay. And here's one for you:

"No, thanks. I'm full."

Wow.

Honey, I'm sorry.

We shouldn't be turning
on each other.

This is just such a rough one.

I mean, now we've lost the
Shmenkmans and Deacon and Kelly.

Deacon and Kelly, they
were solid, you know?

They weren't flashy, but
they got the job done.

Hang on. We haven't
really lost anyone.

I mean, they're just
going out to dinner.

That's where it starts.

First they're going
to dinner together,

then they're going
to the movies,

then they're going on
vacation together,

and the next thing you know,
we're watching their slides

from Disney World
and dying inside.

Well, you know what? The
Shmenkmans, they're fine.

But you know, they're
not that great.

I guess not.

And there are plenty
of other couples

we can go out with.

That's true. That is so true.

Couples are a dime a dozen.

You can't spit without hitting
a couple in this town.

Absolutely right.

So... who you got?

Okay, let me think,
let me think.

What about... Oh, no.

They're dead.

I know! That is so true.

Is Japanese okay?

Oh, yeah. There's a great
place over on 58th.

Maybe I'll get udon.

Kim, right? Kim... Milner?

Right. Accounting.
You just started?

Yeah. And you're, uh...

Carrie Heffernan. I'm
Grossman's secretary.

Oh, I thought I recognized you,
and I was right, I did. Hi!

Hi. Gary Milner. How are you?

Hi, Gary.

Would you guys like
to go out tonight?

I can't wait to see this.

I hear Kevin Spacey is amazing.

He's always great. The
man's a national treasure.

Red hot, anyone? Oh,
yeah, all right.

Oh, great. Here you go.

Whoa! Spicy.

Speaking of spices, how
about pepper, huh?

You know when you
go to a restaurant

and the waiter comes around

and asks if you want
fresh ground pepper?

I could never decide. Oh, yeah.
That's kind of true.

And they do that with the
parmesan cheese too.

Yes, yes, they do.

He's good. I can work with him.

So, you guys thinking
about having kids?

What? You know, babies...

Offspring?

We're brother and sister.

Hello, darlings.
It's Saturday night.

Aren't you going out?

No. We don't have any plans.

Deacon and Kelly
couldn't get a sitter?

Actually, they did. They're
just out with someone else.

What about that other lovely
couple you had over for brunch?

They seemed like a lot of fun.

Back it down, okay? The
lady said we had no plans.

Okay! Okay! Cool
your jets, Eddie!

You know, Dad, if you don't
like those salty corn loops,

you don't have to eat
all hundred boxes.

Has he been talking to you?

Have you been
bad-mouthing my cereal?

Yes. It's all I talk about.

Well, I love this cereal.
I love it.

You may not because you're
an angry man, but I love it.

Okay. God bless. Enjoy.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It's disgusting.
Besides which...

I'm so very thirsty.

You know what? Maybe
we would feel better

if we just got out of the house.

All right, yeah. What
do you wanna do?

I don't know. You wanna try
out that new steak house?

Do I wanna? You plus
beef equals fun.

Whoa. This place is nice.

You're right. The sweats
wouldn't have worked.

Table for 2? Yeah.

This way. Thanks.

Oh, no. What?

They're here. They took
my recommendation,

and they used it
behind our backs.

Can you believe that?

What do we do? Let's
get out of here.

Hey! Hey, man! Hey!

Hi, you guys! Ohh!

What's going on, you guys?

We just came by for some steak.

And possibly a blooming onion.

We stole your little tip
on this place. Sorry.

Hey, where's a cop, right?

You want to join us?
We could squeeze in.

No, no. You guys already
have your food.

No, don't be silly!

You know, what?

We're having a little
romantic celebration, anyway.

It's Doug's... half-birthday.

So you guys enjoy, okay?

Okay. All right, man.

Uncomfortable.

I know...

Maybe we should sit
down with them.

No.

Carrie, they asked
us to sit down.

Yeah, it was a pity-ask, okay?

They don't really
wanna sit with us.

Do you hear that? Every laugh
is another inside joke

we're not a part of.

I think we should
go back in there.

You think so?

Yes! Let's go over to the table,

kick it up a notch, and
show them we're the fun,

great couple we know we are.

And we are, damn it.

We're the Heffernans!

We've got... Heffer-vescence.

Let's go.

Hey, changed our minds.
Decided to join you.

And we come bearing bread.

We'll scooch over.

Okay, great, thank you.
So, wassup, meat-eaters?

Oh! This is like a Sunday
brunch reunion, right?

Ha, ha! Yeah, right.

Ready to order? Yeah,
I believe we are.

We'll start off with a bottle
of wine for the table...

On us.

Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Red, white?

I don't care if our wine
is red, white, or purple.

As long as it gets us loopy.

Whoa! Sorry, guy.

Ma'am?

I'm gonna have the salmon.

Whoa! Fish in a steak house.

What is she, a witch? Get her!

I think she is. Witchy!

Hey, the porterhouse
is really good, man.

Is it, really? Okay,
then porterhouse it is.

Actually, porterhouse
sounds like a lot.

How about a porter-hut?

Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

Thank you very much.
All right. Okay.

So, what is going
on over here, huh?

Heard a lot of laughing.

Abby?

Actually, I was just
telling these guys

that Marc and I have definitely
decided to have a baby.

Oh! That's great.

Yeah! Way to go, you two!

You wanna hear something weird?

Uh, Carrie and I have
decided to have one too.

ABBY: Really?

Yup! Yup! Race you!

Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

You know they're gonna
start expecting me

to grow a big belly.

Unless I happen to have
a very low sperm count.

Yes, yes. There you go.

Of course, once we don't
have a baby, and they do,

we're back to square
one, friend-wise.

Who cares? Friends just
keep you away from TV.

Oh, look. Someone's
car broke down.

Should we pull over
and help them out?

Yeah. They look nice.

Actually, they look very nice.

Young couple... About our age...

Well-dressed... Miata,
2-seater, means no kids.

Let's make some friends.

So what do you guys like?
Rock, jazz?

Hey, we just went to this
great steak house tonight.

We should all go sometime. Yeah.

Yeah, uh, there's a gas
station right up there.

That one? You don't
want their gas.

It makes your engine knock.

I'll take you to my place.

Hey, when we go to
that steak house,

you gotta watch out for the
guy with the big pepper mill.

Hey, what's the deal
with those anyway?

What's up with that?