The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 19 - Surprise Artie - full transcript
Arthur's 75th birthday is coming up and Doug and Carrie decide to throw him a surprise party, but their in for a rude awakening when two of the invited guests are at each others throats and they can't find Arthur!
Hello?
Oh. Yeah. I'll pick
it up tomorrow.
What time do you guys close?
All right. Thank you. Bye.
What?
I gotta tell you,
I am not crazy about the
way you answer the phone.
What do you mean?
The way you say hello.
It's like... hello.
It's like you're saying,
"I'm already bored with
this conversation,
and I'm bored with you."
Uh-huh. And the way you
answer the phone is so great?
Yeah. Yes, it is.
I'm very friendly.
Really? Let's hear one.
All right.
Hul-lo!
You do not do that.
I do so. It's a
very solid hello.
It's warm and inviting and...
I've been told, a little sexy.
Well, you know what I'll do?
I'll quit my job
and practice saying hello full-time.
Is that good?
You don't have to
bite, all right?
I'm just trying to help you
with your greeting skills.
Well, don't.
Whatever. Sorry I brought it up.
Yeah, me too.
Fine. Fine.
I think they made a mistake
in the word jumble.
Yeah?
Yeah. The letters are M-A-L-B.
There's nothing you can
make of that, you know?
Mahbul...
Ahblum...
Buhmal...
There's nothing!
Lamb.
I'll play around with that.
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum...
♪ Arthur
In case you didn't catch
that subtle hint,
his birthday's coming up.
Yeah, I know. This morning I
woke up with a party hat on.
God, he's gonna be 75!
We should do something special
for him, don't you think?
Chip in for a hooker?
Not quite that special.
Save that for my birthday.
Hey, who said that?
Doug, come on. I'm
being serious.
You know, I feel
like such a slug
when it comes to his birthday.
Every year we schlep him
off to White Castle
and throw 20 bucks' worth
of scratch-offs at him.
What do you want to do instead?
I don't know. I thinking
like a surprise party.
A party? With people?
I'm thinking with people.
Yes. Yes.
Let's see. His birthday
is on Tuesday.
Maybe we can catch him off
guard if we do it on Sunday.
Sunday? No, no! You
can't do it on Sunday!
It's my only day off this week
because I'm working
Saturday, remember?
Hey, do it Saturday.
Doug, come on, you
gotta be there.
Well, think about it!
First of all, I don't
wanna be there.
And they don't want
me there, you know?
I'll start drinking.
I'm an angry drunk.
I'll pop someone!
That's very nice, Doug.
You can't give up
one lousy afternoon
for a man who's turning 75?
It's not that old.
It is old!
Do you realize who was
president when he was born?
I can't spell lamb!
Doug! What are you
still doing home?
Trying to enjoy my two
minutes of weekend.
Well, I hope you did,
because they're over.
Now come on!
You gotta get my father
out of the house
so I can start setting up.
Fine.
Get him out of the house.
You're not the boss of me.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
So, what excuse you gonna use?
I don't know. Can
we just club him,
and when he wakes up,
we yell, "surprise!"
Doug, you need to get
him out of the house.
All right, all right!
Take a chill pill.
Take a chill pill?
What's wrong with that?
You say "It's all good."
All right. Just go. Just go!
Hey, guy, whatcha doing?
I'm watching this very
interesting program.
See, this young fellow Screech
has painted himself
into quite a corner.
Listen, I was gonna go out
and get a bite to eat,
and I thought, "Hey, why not
grab the man down under?"
So, uh... you up for it?
Thank you. No.
You know, I was thinking
then maybe we'd swing by
that skeeball place you like so much.
Come on.
Passaroo.
Well, maybe we'll go to the
bowling alley afterwards...
Sweet Mary, will
you take a hint?!
You know what? Look, Arthur...
The thing this is, you see, I...
I, uh...
I need you to, uh, come with me...
on an errand.
What errand?
I have to pick something up.
What?
A, uh... um... a great big...
One of those, uh...
Fish tank? Yeah.
We're getting fish?
Um, yeah. Been thinking about it
for quite a while, actually.
I love fish!
Well, that's something we share!
So you coming?
Try and stop me!
Hey, did you know I had a
trout farm before the war?
Nope. Didn't know that.
Let me tell you, Douglas...
They're very delicate creatures.
I learned that the hard way.
Oh, hey.
Where are you fellas off to?
Where do you think we're going?
To get the new aquarium!
We may have to get
rid of the piano.
This is... This is great, huh?
I thought we were
getting an aquarium.
We are. We are. I
just thought, uh...
we'd spend a little time just
you and me first, you know?
Just the men, the
boys, you know?
No pesky women dragging us down.
I don't know where you're
going with this, Douglas,
but you're making me
very uncomfortable.
We're eating lunch, okay?
Hey, you like the
buffet here, right?
Actually, I do. They
got hot wings here
that'll singe your
short hairs right off.
A little less hungry
now, but okay.
The meatballs are
also marvelous.
Oh! And the brownies. Wow!
Out of this world!
Are you gentlemen
ready to order?
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
go with the buffet.
Nothing for me, thanks.
I thought you wanted the buffet.
Oh, I do. And I'll be having it.
Why are you winking at me?
You just fall off
the turnip truck?
I'll tell you what I wanna eat.
You slip it to me
off your plate,
and we walk out of
here $6.99 richer.
Oh, boy. Arthur, just
let me pay for you.
That's crazy!
You're about to invest in a
very expensive aquarium!
It's okay, all right?
I can take the hit.
Where's the waiter?
Douglas, I will not sit here
and watch you spend
like a madman
just to impress me!
See you at home.
Fine, fine, fine.
Look, we can share off
my plate, all right?
That's my boy.
All right, so...
What do you want
me to get first?
Just put whatever you
want for yourself
on one half of the plate,
and the other half,
load it up with beets!
Uh, dear?
Yes, Mrs. Hanley?
I'm diabetic and I
can't take any sugar.
Do you have any Equal?
Oh, yes. It's right over there.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
So!
Little Carrie Spooner.
Hi, Mr. Tepper.
My, how the years fly by.
It seems like only yesterday
you were a gangly
little kid, you know,
with the pigtails and the braces.
You remember that?
Worst years of my life.
Yes, I do.
Ha, ha. And now look at you.
You blossomed into a
lovely young lady.
Oh, thank you so much.
No, I mean it.
You're gorgeous with
that velvet skin
and that tight little body.
Yeah, you're probably
as limber as a cat.
Excuse me.
Thank you!
Oh, Mr. Glassman! Hey!
Hi!
Carrie. It's good to see you.
Oh, thank you for coming!
Are you kidding? Ha!
Think I would miss a
wonderful thing like this?
Wild horses couldn't keep...
Who invited that
miserable bastard?!
Screw you!
Okay.
I'm ready for a tater tot.
Ah, ah, ah.
Do you really enjoy
eating this way?
Yes, I do.
Now, under the guise
of shaking hands,
pass me a stuffed mushroom.
This is where I
throw you a "No."
Come on, grease me!
Would you just... Do me a
favor, take the plate.
Are you insane? The walls
have eyes around here!
Oh, do they? Well, then
let's stop stealing, huh?
Why don't you shout it
through a megaphone?!
For God's sake, be discreet!
I am being discreet, okay?
You're the one with buffalo
wing sauce all over your face.
Just take the plate! No.
Take it! No!
Excuse me. Yes?
Are you also having
the buffet, sir?
How dare you make
such an accusation!
I fought for this country!
Yes. We have been sharing.
Here's $20 for two buffets.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Hold it, fella. Yes, sir?
There was broken glass
in this taco meat.
No, no, there wasn't, okay? It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Okay? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Arthur, what is going on
inside that head of yours?
Are there two wires that are
touching that shouldn't be?!
Is there a leak of some sort?
Because let me tell you,
something is very, very wrong!
I'm going to the bathroom.
When I come back... be fixed!
All right. Just calm down, Mr.
Glassman.
Have a cold drink.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You give a guy a first job,
and he stabs you in the back!
Some first job,
taking orders from that
snot-nosed kid of yours!
Okay, Mr. Tepper...
Oh, that's why you
did it, to get even!
I didn't do anything,
you crazy old man!
Who's old? You're older!
You're older than me!
I am not! You are older than...
Okay, enough!
Let's just agree
you're both old, okay?
Now, come on, what's the
big deal here, huh?
What, did he cheat you
at gin rummy, huh?
Forget to return your power
mower on time? What?
He had sex with my wife!
Uh-huh. Okay.
That's significant.
It's been 40 years,
and he can't accept the
fact that I did not do it!
Why would I?
She looked like Tony
Randall in a wig!
She had to wear a wig.
She had a condition.
Okay, guys, enough!
Now, look, Doug is back
with Arthur, okay?
He's your friend, and you want
him to have a nice party, right?
BOTH: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
So from now on, no more talk
about who did or didn't do...
your wife, all right?
Let's just smile and
put all our energies
into a nice, robust
surprise, okay?
Okay?
Alrighty. Let's get ready.
Come on!
ALL: Surprise!
Hey, how you doing?
Hon, where is my father?
I was hoping he came back here!
No! Why is he not with you?
He got loose.
I went to the bathroom
for, like, two seconds,
and when I came back to
the table, he was gone!
All he left was a note
on his place mat.
"Dear Douglas, I'd rather
have a defective head
"than a cold heart. So kiss
me where the sun don't shine,
and I don't mean London."
That's all he wrote?
No, he also did the
connect-the-dots in the back.
How do you not see
that's a candy cane?
For God's sake, Doug, why'd you
have to get so mad at him?
I told you, he was
acting like a maniac
with his little buffet scheme!
So you handshake him a
few stuffed mushrooms.
I been doing it
since I was a kid.
Oh, really? You know
what, why stop there?
Why don't I just French kiss him Jell-o?
That'll be good.
I cannot believe you.
I give you one thing to
do today, one thing,
and you screw it up!
Excuse me! It was my one
day off in two weeks,
and it was your idea to put
me in charge of oldie.
Well, it's oldie's birthday!
Ah, forget it!
Where you going?
I am going to find him
and bring him back.
Just stay here and
keep the party alive.
It's a little late for that.
I should be back within an hour,
assuming he's at one
of his usual hangouts.
Well, he's not at
OTB or Nude Nudes.
Thanks.
Hey, how you doing there?
Hi, how's it going?
Hey, how's everybody doing?
Anybody need anything? No?
All right, great. I'm just
gonna turn on the TV here.
You guys keep talking
about the old times,
how everything used to
cost a nickel and whatnot.
You Carrie's husband?
Yeah. Yes, I am.
Any of your friends
ever have sex with her?
Don't start up again, you
sick, paranoid bastard!
You are gonna rot in hell!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!
Knicks are down by four!
Dad?
Uh, excuse me, is there an
Arthur Spooner in there?
ARTHUR: No. Now shut the door!
I know that's you, Dad.
I'm not Dad. My name is Mr.
Wong.
I'm an importer of silk!
Dad, please don't be Mr.
Wong right now.
Come on. I really want
you to come home.
Oh, do you?
Well, your husband clearly
doesn't feel the same way!
Dad, would you listen to me?
Hi. How you doing?
Doug is very sorry
for what he said.
Well, sorry doesn't
pay the butcher!
Now shut the door!
Don't you go near
my car, Glassman!
Don't you... Oh, my God!
You are an animal!
All right. All right!
Two can play at that game!
Say, Doug, do you happen
to own a sledge hammer?
In the garage.
Thank you.
Hey, Tepper!
Thanks for leaving
your top down.
Made my job a lot easier.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ugh!
You just bought yourself
a date with my fist!
Oh, come on. Give
me your best shot!
Oh, you'll get my
best shot, all right!
Come on, bring it on!
It's coming! It's coming
special delivery!
I'll be at home to sign for it.
Either fight or nap!
You see...
what Doug meant was...
your brain is like a
computer, you know,
very... very intricate.
And... and complex.
And if something was to
go wrong inside of it,
then that would make him... sad.
Don't try to sugar
coat this, darling.
He clearly despises me.
That is so not the case!
He took you to lunch. That
proves he likes you, right?
No. It proves he needed someone
to hold up the other
end of a fish tank!
What a waste of an
afternoon this was!
Believe me, not having the
time of my life either.
Dad, could you please just
get past this and come home?
Sorry.
Dad... I am hot and sweaty,
and I have seen things in
here I will never forget.
Now can we please just go home?
No!
For God's sakes, could you
stop being so selfish?
The reason Doug
took you out today
was because we're having a
surprise party for you.
A surprise party? Really?
Yes.
Way to ruin it!
Okay, now, guys, I'd
really like to settle this
before the fourth
quarter starts.
Carl... did you or did you not
sleep with Irv's wife?
I did not!
Well, there you go. Case closed.
Feels good, doesn't it?
It was him! I got a witness.
Who's your witness?
Ah, ah, ah!
All right, Irv. Who
is your witness?
Arthur Spooner.
Ha! Oh, yeah!
He said he saw Carl Tepper
sneaking out of my
house at 2 a.m.!
That's impossible! I was
working the night shift!
Oh, really?
He told me he saw you with
my wife at the Concord Hotel
and inside a bungalow
at Ocean City!
I never been to those places!
Ha, ha! Oh, please, please!
I'm just lucky that every
time my wife was unfaithful,
Arthur was there!
♪ Happy birthday
♪ To you
Now, remember. No one thinks
you know about the party,
so make sure you act
surprised, okay?
Don't you worry. I do a
wonderful fake heart attack!
Yeah, I know. I remember
from our wedding.
All right. Now, Dad,
I'm just gonna run in
and make sure everybody's
set to surprise you
and sing "Happy birthday"
and all that, okay?
Darling, wait.
What?
I've given this a
lot of thought,
and I decided I'd prefer "For
He's a Jolly Good Fellow."
Uh... That's... that's fine.
I'll be right back.
What's going on?
Where is everybody?
I sent them home.
What? Why do you
keep losing people?
Back it down, all right?
I just saved your father
from being hollowed out
by an angry mob.
What are you talking about?
Let's say we got to the bottom
of who nailed Marian Glassman.
Oh, my God. My father?
Yep. And he blamed
it on the other guy.
That's our birthday boy.
Where is he?
He's right outside!
So bring him in.
I can't! He thinks there's a
surprise party waiting for him.
Why did you tell him about it?
It was the only way I could
get him to come home.
This is such an honor!
A man is nothing
without friends!
This is such an honor.
A man is nothing
without friends!
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Should we call some neighbors,
have them come in the back door?
No. They're all much
younger than him.
And he's suing most of them.
Okay, okay. Hey, hey,
how about that soft
yogurt place at the mall?
You ever see that place?
It's like a sea of gray!
Feel like saying
anything helpful?
Hey, I don't hear you
tossing out any gems.
Sorry. It's just that I
cannot bring that man in here
without a fricking surprise party.
It'll kill him!
So, what do we do? I don't know!
Think!
♪ Which nobody can deny
Hello?
Better. But be more inviting.
Hel-lo!
Stop it!
Oh. Yeah. I'll pick
it up tomorrow.
What time do you guys close?
All right. Thank you. Bye.
What?
I gotta tell you,
I am not crazy about the
way you answer the phone.
What do you mean?
The way you say hello.
It's like... hello.
It's like you're saying,
"I'm already bored with
this conversation,
and I'm bored with you."
Uh-huh. And the way you
answer the phone is so great?
Yeah. Yes, it is.
I'm very friendly.
Really? Let's hear one.
All right.
Hul-lo!
You do not do that.
I do so. It's a
very solid hello.
It's warm and inviting and...
I've been told, a little sexy.
Well, you know what I'll do?
I'll quit my job
and practice saying hello full-time.
Is that good?
You don't have to
bite, all right?
I'm just trying to help you
with your greeting skills.
Well, don't.
Whatever. Sorry I brought it up.
Yeah, me too.
Fine. Fine.
I think they made a mistake
in the word jumble.
Yeah?
Yeah. The letters are M-A-L-B.
There's nothing you can
make of that, you know?
Mahbul...
Ahblum...
Buhmal...
There's nothing!
Lamb.
I'll play around with that.
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum...
♪ Arthur
In case you didn't catch
that subtle hint,
his birthday's coming up.
Yeah, I know. This morning I
woke up with a party hat on.
God, he's gonna be 75!
We should do something special
for him, don't you think?
Chip in for a hooker?
Not quite that special.
Save that for my birthday.
Hey, who said that?
Doug, come on. I'm
being serious.
You know, I feel
like such a slug
when it comes to his birthday.
Every year we schlep him
off to White Castle
and throw 20 bucks' worth
of scratch-offs at him.
What do you want to do instead?
I don't know. I thinking
like a surprise party.
A party? With people?
I'm thinking with people.
Yes. Yes.
Let's see. His birthday
is on Tuesday.
Maybe we can catch him off
guard if we do it on Sunday.
Sunday? No, no! You
can't do it on Sunday!
It's my only day off this week
because I'm working
Saturday, remember?
Hey, do it Saturday.
Doug, come on, you
gotta be there.
Well, think about it!
First of all, I don't
wanna be there.
And they don't want
me there, you know?
I'll start drinking.
I'm an angry drunk.
I'll pop someone!
That's very nice, Doug.
You can't give up
one lousy afternoon
for a man who's turning 75?
It's not that old.
It is old!
Do you realize who was
president when he was born?
I can't spell lamb!
Doug! What are you
still doing home?
Trying to enjoy my two
minutes of weekend.
Well, I hope you did,
because they're over.
Now come on!
You gotta get my father
out of the house
so I can start setting up.
Fine.
Get him out of the house.
You're not the boss of me.
What'd you say?
Nothing.
So, what excuse you gonna use?
I don't know. Can
we just club him,
and when he wakes up,
we yell, "surprise!"
Doug, you need to get
him out of the house.
All right, all right!
Take a chill pill.
Take a chill pill?
What's wrong with that?
You say "It's all good."
All right. Just go. Just go!
Hey, guy, whatcha doing?
I'm watching this very
interesting program.
See, this young fellow Screech
has painted himself
into quite a corner.
Listen, I was gonna go out
and get a bite to eat,
and I thought, "Hey, why not
grab the man down under?"
So, uh... you up for it?
Thank you. No.
You know, I was thinking
then maybe we'd swing by
that skeeball place you like so much.
Come on.
Passaroo.
Well, maybe we'll go to the
bowling alley afterwards...
Sweet Mary, will
you take a hint?!
You know what? Look, Arthur...
The thing this is, you see, I...
I, uh...
I need you to, uh, come with me...
on an errand.
What errand?
I have to pick something up.
What?
A, uh... um... a great big...
One of those, uh...
Fish tank? Yeah.
We're getting fish?
Um, yeah. Been thinking about it
for quite a while, actually.
I love fish!
Well, that's something we share!
So you coming?
Try and stop me!
Hey, did you know I had a
trout farm before the war?
Nope. Didn't know that.
Let me tell you, Douglas...
They're very delicate creatures.
I learned that the hard way.
Oh, hey.
Where are you fellas off to?
Where do you think we're going?
To get the new aquarium!
We may have to get
rid of the piano.
This is... This is great, huh?
I thought we were
getting an aquarium.
We are. We are. I
just thought, uh...
we'd spend a little time just
you and me first, you know?
Just the men, the
boys, you know?
No pesky women dragging us down.
I don't know where you're
going with this, Douglas,
but you're making me
very uncomfortable.
We're eating lunch, okay?
Hey, you like the
buffet here, right?
Actually, I do. They
got hot wings here
that'll singe your
short hairs right off.
A little less hungry
now, but okay.
The meatballs are
also marvelous.
Oh! And the brownies. Wow!
Out of this world!
Are you gentlemen
ready to order?
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
go with the buffet.
Nothing for me, thanks.
I thought you wanted the buffet.
Oh, I do. And I'll be having it.
Why are you winking at me?
You just fall off
the turnip truck?
I'll tell you what I wanna eat.
You slip it to me
off your plate,
and we walk out of
here $6.99 richer.
Oh, boy. Arthur, just
let me pay for you.
That's crazy!
You're about to invest in a
very expensive aquarium!
It's okay, all right?
I can take the hit.
Where's the waiter?
Douglas, I will not sit here
and watch you spend
like a madman
just to impress me!
See you at home.
Fine, fine, fine.
Look, we can share off
my plate, all right?
That's my boy.
All right, so...
What do you want
me to get first?
Just put whatever you
want for yourself
on one half of the plate,
and the other half,
load it up with beets!
Uh, dear?
Yes, Mrs. Hanley?
I'm diabetic and I
can't take any sugar.
Do you have any Equal?
Oh, yes. It's right over there.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
So!
Little Carrie Spooner.
Hi, Mr. Tepper.
My, how the years fly by.
It seems like only yesterday
you were a gangly
little kid, you know,
with the pigtails and the braces.
You remember that?
Worst years of my life.
Yes, I do.
Ha, ha. And now look at you.
You blossomed into a
lovely young lady.
Oh, thank you so much.
No, I mean it.
You're gorgeous with
that velvet skin
and that tight little body.
Yeah, you're probably
as limber as a cat.
Excuse me.
Thank you!
Oh, Mr. Glassman! Hey!
Hi!
Carrie. It's good to see you.
Oh, thank you for coming!
Are you kidding? Ha!
Think I would miss a
wonderful thing like this?
Wild horses couldn't keep...
Who invited that
miserable bastard?!
Screw you!
Okay.
I'm ready for a tater tot.
Ah, ah, ah.
Do you really enjoy
eating this way?
Yes, I do.
Now, under the guise
of shaking hands,
pass me a stuffed mushroom.
This is where I
throw you a "No."
Come on, grease me!
Would you just... Do me a
favor, take the plate.
Are you insane? The walls
have eyes around here!
Oh, do they? Well, then
let's stop stealing, huh?
Why don't you shout it
through a megaphone?!
For God's sake, be discreet!
I am being discreet, okay?
You're the one with buffalo
wing sauce all over your face.
Just take the plate! No.
Take it! No!
Excuse me. Yes?
Are you also having
the buffet, sir?
How dare you make
such an accusation!
I fought for this country!
Yes. We have been sharing.
Here's $20 for two buffets.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Hold it, fella. Yes, sir?
There was broken glass
in this taco meat.
No, no, there wasn't, okay? It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Okay? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Arthur, what is going on
inside that head of yours?
Are there two wires that are
touching that shouldn't be?!
Is there a leak of some sort?
Because let me tell you,
something is very, very wrong!
I'm going to the bathroom.
When I come back... be fixed!
All right. Just calm down, Mr.
Glassman.
Have a cold drink.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You give a guy a first job,
and he stabs you in the back!
Some first job,
taking orders from that
snot-nosed kid of yours!
Okay, Mr. Tepper...
Oh, that's why you
did it, to get even!
I didn't do anything,
you crazy old man!
Who's old? You're older!
You're older than me!
I am not! You are older than...
Okay, enough!
Let's just agree
you're both old, okay?
Now, come on, what's the
big deal here, huh?
What, did he cheat you
at gin rummy, huh?
Forget to return your power
mower on time? What?
He had sex with my wife!
Uh-huh. Okay.
That's significant.
It's been 40 years,
and he can't accept the
fact that I did not do it!
Why would I?
She looked like Tony
Randall in a wig!
She had to wear a wig.
She had a condition.
Okay, guys, enough!
Now, look, Doug is back
with Arthur, okay?
He's your friend, and you want
him to have a nice party, right?
BOTH: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
So from now on, no more talk
about who did or didn't do...
your wife, all right?
Let's just smile and
put all our energies
into a nice, robust
surprise, okay?
Okay?
Alrighty. Let's get ready.
Come on!
ALL: Surprise!
Hey, how you doing?
Hon, where is my father?
I was hoping he came back here!
No! Why is he not with you?
He got loose.
I went to the bathroom
for, like, two seconds,
and when I came back to
the table, he was gone!
All he left was a note
on his place mat.
"Dear Douglas, I'd rather
have a defective head
"than a cold heart. So kiss
me where the sun don't shine,
and I don't mean London."
That's all he wrote?
No, he also did the
connect-the-dots in the back.
How do you not see
that's a candy cane?
For God's sake, Doug, why'd you
have to get so mad at him?
I told you, he was
acting like a maniac
with his little buffet scheme!
So you handshake him a
few stuffed mushrooms.
I been doing it
since I was a kid.
Oh, really? You know
what, why stop there?
Why don't I just French kiss him Jell-o?
That'll be good.
I cannot believe you.
I give you one thing to
do today, one thing,
and you screw it up!
Excuse me! It was my one
day off in two weeks,
and it was your idea to put
me in charge of oldie.
Well, it's oldie's birthday!
Ah, forget it!
Where you going?
I am going to find him
and bring him back.
Just stay here and
keep the party alive.
It's a little late for that.
I should be back within an hour,
assuming he's at one
of his usual hangouts.
Well, he's not at
OTB or Nude Nudes.
Thanks.
Hey, how you doing there?
Hi, how's it going?
Hey, how's everybody doing?
Anybody need anything? No?
All right, great. I'm just
gonna turn on the TV here.
You guys keep talking
about the old times,
how everything used to
cost a nickel and whatnot.
You Carrie's husband?
Yeah. Yes, I am.
Any of your friends
ever have sex with her?
Don't start up again, you
sick, paranoid bastard!
You are gonna rot in hell!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!
Knicks are down by four!
Dad?
Uh, excuse me, is there an
Arthur Spooner in there?
ARTHUR: No. Now shut the door!
I know that's you, Dad.
I'm not Dad. My name is Mr.
Wong.
I'm an importer of silk!
Dad, please don't be Mr.
Wong right now.
Come on. I really want
you to come home.
Oh, do you?
Well, your husband clearly
doesn't feel the same way!
Dad, would you listen to me?
Hi. How you doing?
Doug is very sorry
for what he said.
Well, sorry doesn't
pay the butcher!
Now shut the door!
Don't you go near
my car, Glassman!
Don't you... Oh, my God!
You are an animal!
All right. All right!
Two can play at that game!
Say, Doug, do you happen
to own a sledge hammer?
In the garage.
Thank you.
Hey, Tepper!
Thanks for leaving
your top down.
Made my job a lot easier.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ugh!
You just bought yourself
a date with my fist!
Oh, come on. Give
me your best shot!
Oh, you'll get my
best shot, all right!
Come on, bring it on!
It's coming! It's coming
special delivery!
I'll be at home to sign for it.
Either fight or nap!
You see...
what Doug meant was...
your brain is like a
computer, you know,
very... very intricate.
And... and complex.
And if something was to
go wrong inside of it,
then that would make him... sad.
Don't try to sugar
coat this, darling.
He clearly despises me.
That is so not the case!
He took you to lunch. That
proves he likes you, right?
No. It proves he needed someone
to hold up the other
end of a fish tank!
What a waste of an
afternoon this was!
Believe me, not having the
time of my life either.
Dad, could you please just
get past this and come home?
Sorry.
Dad... I am hot and sweaty,
and I have seen things in
here I will never forget.
Now can we please just go home?
No!
For God's sakes, could you
stop being so selfish?
The reason Doug
took you out today
was because we're having a
surprise party for you.
A surprise party? Really?
Yes.
Way to ruin it!
Okay, now, guys, I'd
really like to settle this
before the fourth
quarter starts.
Carl... did you or did you not
sleep with Irv's wife?
I did not!
Well, there you go. Case closed.
Feels good, doesn't it?
It was him! I got a witness.
Who's your witness?
Ah, ah, ah!
All right, Irv. Who
is your witness?
Arthur Spooner.
Ha! Oh, yeah!
He said he saw Carl Tepper
sneaking out of my
house at 2 a.m.!
That's impossible! I was
working the night shift!
Oh, really?
He told me he saw you with
my wife at the Concord Hotel
and inside a bungalow
at Ocean City!
I never been to those places!
Ha, ha! Oh, please, please!
I'm just lucky that every
time my wife was unfaithful,
Arthur was there!
♪ Happy birthday
♪ To you
Now, remember. No one thinks
you know about the party,
so make sure you act
surprised, okay?
Don't you worry. I do a
wonderful fake heart attack!
Yeah, I know. I remember
from our wedding.
All right. Now, Dad,
I'm just gonna run in
and make sure everybody's
set to surprise you
and sing "Happy birthday"
and all that, okay?
Darling, wait.
What?
I've given this a
lot of thought,
and I decided I'd prefer "For
He's a Jolly Good Fellow."
Uh... That's... that's fine.
I'll be right back.
What's going on?
Where is everybody?
I sent them home.
What? Why do you
keep losing people?
Back it down, all right?
I just saved your father
from being hollowed out
by an angry mob.
What are you talking about?
Let's say we got to the bottom
of who nailed Marian Glassman.
Oh, my God. My father?
Yep. And he blamed
it on the other guy.
That's our birthday boy.
Where is he?
He's right outside!
So bring him in.
I can't! He thinks there's a
surprise party waiting for him.
Why did you tell him about it?
It was the only way I could
get him to come home.
This is such an honor!
A man is nothing
without friends!
This is such an honor.
A man is nothing
without friends!
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Should we call some neighbors,
have them come in the back door?
No. They're all much
younger than him.
And he's suing most of them.
Okay, okay. Hey, hey,
how about that soft
yogurt place at the mall?
You ever see that place?
It's like a sea of gray!
Feel like saying
anything helpful?
Hey, I don't hear you
tossing out any gems.
Sorry. It's just that I
cannot bring that man in here
without a fricking surprise party.
It'll kill him!
So, what do we do? I don't know!
Think!
♪ Which nobody can deny
Hello?
Better. But be more inviting.
Hel-lo!
Stop it!