The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 8 - Dire Strayts - full transcript
It's double the havoc when Ray and Debra Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) come and visit Doug and Carrie.
CARRIE: Beautiful.
Just beautiful, Doug.
I hope you're happy
with yourself.
Yeah, I'm living my dream.
Will you just get me out of here?
I'm stuck!
And it hurts!
So I'm a tight-ass, huh, Ray?
I didn't say that.
Okay, I said that, but...
Why'd you tell her, huh?
You broke the code!
I was drowning! I was just
trying to reach for something.
Don't blame it on him.
You're the one who said it.
What the hell were you thinking,
trying to get up there?
It was Ray's idea!
Stop it with "Ray"!
I cannot believe you get your
friend stuck up in the attic,
you insult me behind my back...
No, I didn't mean
it as an insult.
"Tight-ass" is not an insult?
How does that work, Ray?
"Hey, swing by the house,
meet tight-ass and the kids."
Look, it wasn't like that.
It's just... We got back from
golf, and we were talking.
Yeah, yeah! Mr. Wedge! Oh, yeah!
Stop it, please. Stop kissing.
You're making me nauseous.
All right, how much I owe you?
Uh, 18 bananas.
How'd you get 18?
Bet a dollar a hole.
You lost every hole.
Huh.
Hey, how about
double or nothing,
Jets-Denver game Sunday?
You give me the
Jets and 6 points?
All right, you're on. You're on!
All right, we're both on, then.
All right.
You know what? Why don't
you come over here,
watch the game on
the big screen?
All right, yeah, but
you got to promise me,
no humping the TV if you win.
Mmm.
I can't give you that.
I hump, win or lose.
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot.
The game's not Sunday.
It's a Saturday night
game this week.
Oh, man, you're right.
Yeah.
Damn! I... I can't do it now.
Saturday night's date
night with the wife.
Yeah. We used to
have date night.
Then we had kids.
Now date night is when she
changes in front of me.
Yeah. I tell you,
Carrie's a maniac.
I can't mess with it.
She'd be like,
"What, you wanna watch the
freaking Jets on our date night?
Ehhhh! I don't think so!"
Hey, Debra can be a little bit
of a tight-ass, too, you know.
Oh, man. Just how sad is that?
Grown men who can't
watch the game.
Not allowed.
Not allowed!
Hey, you know what we do?
Why don't we get
together with the wives,
and then you and I
can watch the game.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Watch the game
with the women right there.
I like that. Yeah.
Then we'll get hookers too.
That'll be good.
No...
I'm serious. We get together,
we have dinner, and they
start talking girlie stuff,
and we're in.
They don't care what we're
doing in the other room.
I guess... I guess it would work.
Yeah!
But what if they have nothing
to say to each other?
Then... Then we jump-start them.
What? Yeah.
We jump-start the conversation,
you know, like, uh,
"Honey, didn't you just
get your nails done
at a place around here?"
And Carrie goes, "What place?"
Boom! Yakkity yak!
We're at the game!
You son of a gun. You're smart.
You forgot good-looking.
Now I'm nauseous.
DOUG: Oh, some more
cayenne pepper
to turn it up a notch, and boom!
Let's turn it up another notch.
And bam!
Shimmy-sh-sham!
Hey, honey, you wanna watch
me turn it up a notch? Huh?
Come here. Boom!
Okay, simmer down, Heffernan.
Uh, that's chef-fernan.
You know what? That just gets
funnier with each barbecue.
Hey, you wanna hand me the,
uh, westa-shire sauce?
What did you say?
The, uh...
wester... Chester sauce.
That's not the way you say it.
Well, how do you say it?
Well, I try not to,
but if I have to, I
say it very quickly.
"Pass me the
whoosershire sauce."
You see?
But when you
pronounce it slowly,
it highlights your stupidity.
Okay, well, how about we both
learn to say it the right way.
All right. All right.
It's worst... Wussher...
Woarst... Wersh...
Whoosherchire... Westershire...
sire...
Okay, that was fun.
This is brutal.
It's gonna be fun
tonight, though, huh?
Yes, it's gonna be fun hanging
out with a new couple.
Is the wife nice?
What, Debra? Oh, yeah. Very sweet.
You're gonna love her.
She's not all
Long-islandy, is she?
Oh, no, not at all.
What does that mean anyway?
You know, like that
woman from Great Neck.
You remember?
I, like, barely
tapped her Jaguar
in the Walbaum's parking lot.
You remember her?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
She was like, "You
know, darling,
"you're not the only car
in the parking lot.
Maybe you should look
where you're going."
Yeah, okay.
Why don't you look where
my boot is going, lady?!
What a freaking piece
of work she was, right?
Yeah. Listen, Deb's
never met you,
so tonight you might wanna just
tone it down a notch, huh?
Boom!
What?
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't want them to think
I married a bouncer,
you know what I'm saying?
All right, I think I
finally nailed the sauce.
Can you hand me the platter?
Give me the platter.
Come on. New platter, new
platter, new platter!
Platter, platter, platter!
"Tone it... down"?
Oh, Lord.
So what are you saying?
I embarrass you?
Embarrass me?
No, no! I'm not... No! No, no.
Hey, did Pam have her baby yet?
You don't like the way I act
in front of other people?
Is that it? No!
No, you're fine.
What I meant was when
people who don't know you,
know how great you are,
sometimes have trouble
seeing past your...
hard candy shell...
to the delicious nut inside.
You're a delicious nut, you are.
Who?
You. You really are.
You're a nut.
No, no. Who...
Who can't see past
my hard shell?
Look, nobody, honey.
Well, you just said it.
Now, who? I don't know.
I guess at our wedding, some
of my relatives just...
Your relatives don't like me?
Distant relatives!
I barely even know them.
Barney something-or-other.
I don't know. The problem was,
they never saw your inner nut.
Okay, could you shut
up about the nut now?
Do you know what
you're telling me?
You don't like my personality.
You're being crazy.
If you're so ashamed of me,
why the hell did
you even marry me?
You're hot.
Echh.
Carrie, it's a joke.
I'm kidding!
I love you!
You know what? Just go away.
Come on! It's not you I'm
worried about, all right?
It's Debra, all right?
Ray says she's tough
to get along with.
He called her a tight-ass.
That's a quote!
Okay, would you
stop following me?
Carrie, she's a tight-ass!
Ohh! Come on. They're
here, all right?
Listen, I love you. All right?
Now, please, could we
just have a nice night?
Okay, that's the door. I'm gonna
go get it right now, okay?
All right? So we're good here?
Okay?
You're okay, then.
Okay? Okay.
This is good. This
is gonna be fun.
She's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be fine.
You know, I made the
marinade myself.
Did you? He did, yeah.
I told you he does that.
Don't ask me what's
in it, though,
because it's a Heffernan secret.
Ooh! Yeah.
Carrie doesn't even
know, right, hon?
Nobody knows. Keeping
it on the Q.T.
Mum's the word.
Nobody.
Yeah.
Well, whatever's in it, it sure...
it's yummy.
It's very yummy, yes.
Uh, Debra, could you
please pass me a napkin?
Sure.
Thank you.
How did I say that?
Was that the right tone?
That was fine.
Because I could tone it down.
That was fine.
You know what's
funny about corn?
I mean, corn itself is good,
but corn on the cob,
it just reaches a
whole other level.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely.
It does, right? Yeah.
Well, people like to eat
their corn north to south.
Tonight I went east to west.
I like to go east to west.
You know, like a
little typewriter.
Yum yum yum yum yum...
yum yum yum...
yum yum yum... ding!
You know what? I'm gonna
start the coffee.
Oh, may I be excused?
Yes.
Thanks.
You know, you don't have to ask.
I think I'm gonna get
in there and help her.
Oh, Ray, tell Doug what's
funny about lettuce.
What's going on?
Oh, man. We had a fight.
She wants me dead.
Oh, man. Sorry. That's rough.
Can I flip on the game?
Not yet.
So you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You seemed a little upset
when you jabbed him
with the butter knife.
It's just that Doug said
something really stupid
before you guys got here.
Just hurt my feelings
a little bit.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Thanks. Yeah.
I've always thought
that they should make
a device to put on husbands
that gives them a little shock
when they say something stupid.
Yes, like, like a dog collar.
Exactly.
Then it would be like,
"Hey, honey, did you gain
a little weight?" Zzzt!
Yes! Right?
I mean, not enough
juice to kill them,
but just enough to make them
like bite down really hard
on their tongue.
And they would have a
little remote control
that you can keep
on your key chain.
Yeah, a silver key chain.
With initials.
Exactly! Ha ha ha!
Hey, hey, hey! They're laughing.
That's good. Laughter good.
Yeah.
Come on. Let's turn
the game on now.
Nnnnn. Not yet. I
think it's too soon.
Come on! It's a big game!
And it's happening
right now in there.
Let it out.
I want to. I just...
I wish I knew she wasn't
so mad at me, you know?
Go in. Check it out.
Go.
I don't think so. I
think it's too soon.
Are you kidding? It's like
Def Comedy Jam in there.
You know what?
I'll test her out.
I'll grab a beer and give
her a kiss on the cheek.
Okay.
Okay, a little premature.
No!
Aw, come on!
The first quarter's
practically over already!
Will you turn it on, please?
Look, I can't. Listen, come on.
I'm supposed to be sad and
sorry about what I did.
All that stuff.
Well, give me something.
How about...
Hey, let's go picture, no sound.
You can give me
picture, no sound.
All right.
Hah hah!
GAME COMMENTATOR: And
the Jets are ahea...
Hey! Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, what's with
the picture, man?
RAY: It's all staticky.
Oh, man. This
happened once before.
So what did he say anyway?
He told me to tone myself down.
Oh, maybe the collar
should kill them.
I know!
And then he just kept going
and digging himself deeper,
saying he didn't mean it,
trying to blame it on Ray.
"Oh, honey, uh, it's not you.
It's Debra.
Ray says she's a
real tight-ass."
And then he starts in with,
"You know, it's just your
hard shell, you know?
And inside is a delicious nut."
You know? It was just so...
Are you okay?
What's up there?
The main cable connection
comes in through the attic.
I just got to get up there
and jiggle the wires,
and the picture'll be fine.
Well, jiggle it because
it's almost halftime.
I just got to shimmy up
through the trapdoor.
You got a ladder or something?
No. It's fine. Just
give me a boost.
What, no ladder?
You wanna watch the game?
Come on. Give me 10 fingers.
All right, all right. Come on.
Come on.
Come on. I'm almost there.
Hurry.
I can't. Give me just
a couple more inches.
I can't reach it. I can't...
Come on! Ohhhh!
Oh, God! Oh, Ray!
Ray! Ray, I'm stuck!
DOUG: Ray!
Tight-ass?
Uh-oh.
Ohhh!
Doug?
How's your back?
It still hurts. Good.
Is there anyone down there who
can scratch my inner thigh?
CARRIE: Doug, Richie's here.
Hey, moose, it's me, Richie.
Really? Is that what she meant
when she said, "Richie's here"?
Get me down!
Whoa. Somebody's cranky.
Hey, Santa Claus, you missed!
Uh, Shecky, you wanna get
him down now, please?
All right. Let me
check this out.
Ohhh...
You guys all right?
Well, he's got a pinched nerve,
and apparently, I
have a tight ass.
You don't say that to a fireman.
What the hell's going
on down there?!
All right, moose, relax.
We got you covered.
Hey, Chenz, go get
me a big stick.
If we whack him, maybe
candy will come out!
RICHIE: Okay, 1, 2, 3, push!
DOUG: Easy! Easy!
You're taking skin!
Keep pushing!
DOUG: Stop pushing!
DOUG: Hey, is it bad
that I'm dizzy?
No, no, it's normal.
It's not normal. We better
get him out of there.
I can hear you!
Well, could you hurry
up and get him down?
Carrie, can I use your phone?
I need to check on the kids.
Yeah. It's right there.
You know what? With all this,
I'm gonna go downstairs.
Hey, wait. I'll go with you.
We'll do it together.
Just me and you.
Oh, now, that's uncalled for.
All right, we're
gonna have to cut.
DOUG: What?
What do you have to cut?
His legs.
Right about here ought to do it.
Ohh! Nice try, moose!
Okay, Doug, could you
stop it, please?
You wanna be up there all night?
So what do you have to cut?
Couple ceiling beams
ought to do it.
Yo, Eric, go radio in. Tell
them we need the buzzer.
Got it.
DOUG: The buzzer?
What's the buzzer? DOUG:
What's the buzzer?
Don't worry, moose.
It's a saw. We won't hurt you.
Okay. I'm not worried about him.
I'm worried about my closet.
Is there any other way?
Well, you could just
leave him up there
and not feed him for
a couple of days.
Okay! He's not that funny!
You don't like my house, Mick?
My house stinks?
Yeah, that's right, it stinks!
My whole life stinks!
You just need proper management.
Kid, you need proper management!
You're gonna eat lightning
and gonna crap thunder!
Crap thunder, but I ain't
got no locker, do I, Mick?
I ain't got no locker, huh?
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing up here?
Well, it's gonna be at
least another hour.
Thought you might
be getting hungry,
and I also think you
have a right to know
that Richie's getting ready
to paint your toenails.
He is?
RICHIE: Oww!
Well, if I ever need asbestos,
I know where to go.
Here.
Thanks.
What, no juice box?
Excuse me,
I had to climb up the freaking
trellis to bring you this.
I needed one free hand.
You never heard of a backpack?
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
It's a joke!
What, you still mad at me?
Yes! I...
What? Come on.
Let's talk it out.
Um...
What?
Doug?
Yeah?
How do you feel in
general about mice...
or maybe a rat?
Not a fan. Why? Behind me?
Doug...
Is there a rat behind me?
Okay, would you just relax?
I can't relax, all right?
Right now I'm about
18 inches tall,
and I smell like barbecue!
Okay, Doug, don't panic!
He's not even paying
attention to...
Is he coming towards me?
Well, he's closer than he was.
For the sweet love of God, kill it!
Use your shoe!
I can't kill it!
Ooh.
There.
Look. It worked. He's eating it.
Good.
Good.
You think he's gonna finish it?
Hey, Doug.
Yeah.
Listen, we got to go.
The baby-sitter's waiting.
Oh, all right. Hey,
thanks for coming.
Yeah, thanks, you guys.
Yeah, hey, thanks for having us.
It was so nice
meeting you, Carrie.
It was nice meeting you.
Hey, let's have lunch.
Oh, absolutely. I'll call you.
Bye, Doug.
Bye, Deb. Hey, see you, Ray.
Thanks again for coming.
All right, man. Hey, thank you.
Thank you. It was fun.
Really fun.
What are you, an 11?
Because I'm an 11. All right, Ray.
Let's...
I don't know. Sanford and Son?
No. What's Happening!
Oh.
How does Sanford and Son go?
Duh.
Right, right. ♪ Nana Nana
All right. ♪ Wada Dada Dada da
All right!
Can we stop playing this now?
All right, fine,
but you're forfeit
and you owe me $10 bucks.
It's so worth it.
Hey, Richie, that's
not even funny!
Get that out of there!
RICHIE: Sorry, moose.
Couldn't resist.
Good news. The saw's here.
We'll have you out in 2 minutes.
All right. Be careful!
I better get down there,
make sure he doesn't cut
off anything I need.
Good idea.
Oh, and, Carrie?
Yeah?
Look, I... I'm really...
I'm really sorry about
what I said, okay?
I know.
I'm not embarrassed
by you, not at all.
That's very nice,
coming from a man
who's wearing his
house as a belt.
I love you.
I love you too.
Come here. Pour some
sugar on me, huh?
Easy!
That's raw. That's raw.
Pain! Pain!
Sorry, honey.
First of all, you shouldn't
be using the ointment.
Get the spray.
Kind of look like Saturn.
That's the one with the
ring around it, right?
Yeah, all right. Would you
get the spray, please?
CARRIE: Have it?
Aaahhh!
Just beautiful, Doug.
I hope you're happy
with yourself.
Yeah, I'm living my dream.
Will you just get me out of here?
I'm stuck!
And it hurts!
So I'm a tight-ass, huh, Ray?
I didn't say that.
Okay, I said that, but...
Why'd you tell her, huh?
You broke the code!
I was drowning! I was just
trying to reach for something.
Don't blame it on him.
You're the one who said it.
What the hell were you thinking,
trying to get up there?
It was Ray's idea!
Stop it with "Ray"!
I cannot believe you get your
friend stuck up in the attic,
you insult me behind my back...
No, I didn't mean
it as an insult.
"Tight-ass" is not an insult?
How does that work, Ray?
"Hey, swing by the house,
meet tight-ass and the kids."
Look, it wasn't like that.
It's just... We got back from
golf, and we were talking.
Yeah, yeah! Mr. Wedge! Oh, yeah!
Stop it, please. Stop kissing.
You're making me nauseous.
All right, how much I owe you?
Uh, 18 bananas.
How'd you get 18?
Bet a dollar a hole.
You lost every hole.
Huh.
Hey, how about
double or nothing,
Jets-Denver game Sunday?
You give me the
Jets and 6 points?
All right, you're on. You're on!
All right, we're both on, then.
All right.
You know what? Why don't
you come over here,
watch the game on
the big screen?
All right, yeah, but
you got to promise me,
no humping the TV if you win.
Mmm.
I can't give you that.
I hump, win or lose.
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot.
The game's not Sunday.
It's a Saturday night
game this week.
Oh, man, you're right.
Yeah.
Damn! I... I can't do it now.
Saturday night's date
night with the wife.
Yeah. We used to
have date night.
Then we had kids.
Now date night is when she
changes in front of me.
Yeah. I tell you,
Carrie's a maniac.
I can't mess with it.
She'd be like,
"What, you wanna watch the
freaking Jets on our date night?
Ehhhh! I don't think so!"
Hey, Debra can be a little bit
of a tight-ass, too, you know.
Oh, man. Just how sad is that?
Grown men who can't
watch the game.
Not allowed.
Not allowed!
Hey, you know what we do?
Why don't we get
together with the wives,
and then you and I
can watch the game.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Watch the game
with the women right there.
I like that. Yeah.
Then we'll get hookers too.
That'll be good.
No...
I'm serious. We get together,
we have dinner, and they
start talking girlie stuff,
and we're in.
They don't care what we're
doing in the other room.
I guess... I guess it would work.
Yeah!
But what if they have nothing
to say to each other?
Then... Then we jump-start them.
What? Yeah.
We jump-start the conversation,
you know, like, uh,
"Honey, didn't you just
get your nails done
at a place around here?"
And Carrie goes, "What place?"
Boom! Yakkity yak!
We're at the game!
You son of a gun. You're smart.
You forgot good-looking.
Now I'm nauseous.
DOUG: Oh, some more
cayenne pepper
to turn it up a notch, and boom!
Let's turn it up another notch.
And bam!
Shimmy-sh-sham!
Hey, honey, you wanna watch
me turn it up a notch? Huh?
Come here. Boom!
Okay, simmer down, Heffernan.
Uh, that's chef-fernan.
You know what? That just gets
funnier with each barbecue.
Hey, you wanna hand me the,
uh, westa-shire sauce?
What did you say?
The, uh...
wester... Chester sauce.
That's not the way you say it.
Well, how do you say it?
Well, I try not to,
but if I have to, I
say it very quickly.
"Pass me the
whoosershire sauce."
You see?
But when you
pronounce it slowly,
it highlights your stupidity.
Okay, well, how about we both
learn to say it the right way.
All right. All right.
It's worst... Wussher...
Woarst... Wersh...
Whoosherchire... Westershire...
sire...
Okay, that was fun.
This is brutal.
It's gonna be fun
tonight, though, huh?
Yes, it's gonna be fun hanging
out with a new couple.
Is the wife nice?
What, Debra? Oh, yeah. Very sweet.
You're gonna love her.
She's not all
Long-islandy, is she?
Oh, no, not at all.
What does that mean anyway?
You know, like that
woman from Great Neck.
You remember?
I, like, barely
tapped her Jaguar
in the Walbaum's parking lot.
You remember her?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
She was like, "You
know, darling,
"you're not the only car
in the parking lot.
Maybe you should look
where you're going."
Yeah, okay.
Why don't you look where
my boot is going, lady?!
What a freaking piece
of work she was, right?
Yeah. Listen, Deb's
never met you,
so tonight you might wanna just
tone it down a notch, huh?
Boom!
What?
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't want them to think
I married a bouncer,
you know what I'm saying?
All right, I think I
finally nailed the sauce.
Can you hand me the platter?
Give me the platter.
Come on. New platter, new
platter, new platter!
Platter, platter, platter!
"Tone it... down"?
Oh, Lord.
So what are you saying?
I embarrass you?
Embarrass me?
No, no! I'm not... No! No, no.
Hey, did Pam have her baby yet?
You don't like the way I act
in front of other people?
Is that it? No!
No, you're fine.
What I meant was when
people who don't know you,
know how great you are,
sometimes have trouble
seeing past your...
hard candy shell...
to the delicious nut inside.
You're a delicious nut, you are.
Who?
You. You really are.
You're a nut.
No, no. Who...
Who can't see past
my hard shell?
Look, nobody, honey.
Well, you just said it.
Now, who? I don't know.
I guess at our wedding, some
of my relatives just...
Your relatives don't like me?
Distant relatives!
I barely even know them.
Barney something-or-other.
I don't know. The problem was,
they never saw your inner nut.
Okay, could you shut
up about the nut now?
Do you know what
you're telling me?
You don't like my personality.
You're being crazy.
If you're so ashamed of me,
why the hell did
you even marry me?
You're hot.
Echh.
Carrie, it's a joke.
I'm kidding!
I love you!
You know what? Just go away.
Come on! It's not you I'm
worried about, all right?
It's Debra, all right?
Ray says she's tough
to get along with.
He called her a tight-ass.
That's a quote!
Okay, would you
stop following me?
Carrie, she's a tight-ass!
Ohh! Come on. They're
here, all right?
Listen, I love you. All right?
Now, please, could we
just have a nice night?
Okay, that's the door. I'm gonna
go get it right now, okay?
All right? So we're good here?
Okay?
You're okay, then.
Okay? Okay.
This is good. This
is gonna be fun.
She's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be fine.
You know, I made the
marinade myself.
Did you? He did, yeah.
I told you he does that.
Don't ask me what's
in it, though,
because it's a Heffernan secret.
Ooh! Yeah.
Carrie doesn't even
know, right, hon?
Nobody knows. Keeping
it on the Q.T.
Mum's the word.
Nobody.
Yeah.
Well, whatever's in it, it sure...
it's yummy.
It's very yummy, yes.
Uh, Debra, could you
please pass me a napkin?
Sure.
Thank you.
How did I say that?
Was that the right tone?
That was fine.
Because I could tone it down.
That was fine.
You know what's
funny about corn?
I mean, corn itself is good,
but corn on the cob,
it just reaches a
whole other level.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely.
It does, right? Yeah.
Well, people like to eat
their corn north to south.
Tonight I went east to west.
I like to go east to west.
You know, like a
little typewriter.
Yum yum yum yum yum...
yum yum yum...
yum yum yum... ding!
You know what? I'm gonna
start the coffee.
Oh, may I be excused?
Yes.
Thanks.
You know, you don't have to ask.
I think I'm gonna get
in there and help her.
Oh, Ray, tell Doug what's
funny about lettuce.
What's going on?
Oh, man. We had a fight.
She wants me dead.
Oh, man. Sorry. That's rough.
Can I flip on the game?
Not yet.
So you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
You seemed a little upset
when you jabbed him
with the butter knife.
It's just that Doug said
something really stupid
before you guys got here.
Just hurt my feelings
a little bit.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Thanks. Yeah.
I've always thought
that they should make
a device to put on husbands
that gives them a little shock
when they say something stupid.
Yes, like, like a dog collar.
Exactly.
Then it would be like,
"Hey, honey, did you gain
a little weight?" Zzzt!
Yes! Right?
I mean, not enough
juice to kill them,
but just enough to make them
like bite down really hard
on their tongue.
And they would have a
little remote control
that you can keep
on your key chain.
Yeah, a silver key chain.
With initials.
Exactly! Ha ha ha!
Hey, hey, hey! They're laughing.
That's good. Laughter good.
Yeah.
Come on. Let's turn
the game on now.
Nnnnn. Not yet. I
think it's too soon.
Come on! It's a big game!
And it's happening
right now in there.
Let it out.
I want to. I just...
I wish I knew she wasn't
so mad at me, you know?
Go in. Check it out.
Go.
I don't think so. I
think it's too soon.
Are you kidding? It's like
Def Comedy Jam in there.
You know what?
I'll test her out.
I'll grab a beer and give
her a kiss on the cheek.
Okay.
Okay, a little premature.
No!
Aw, come on!
The first quarter's
practically over already!
Will you turn it on, please?
Look, I can't. Listen, come on.
I'm supposed to be sad and
sorry about what I did.
All that stuff.
Well, give me something.
How about...
Hey, let's go picture, no sound.
You can give me
picture, no sound.
All right.
Hah hah!
GAME COMMENTATOR: And
the Jets are ahea...
Hey! Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, what's with
the picture, man?
RAY: It's all staticky.
Oh, man. This
happened once before.
So what did he say anyway?
He told me to tone myself down.
Oh, maybe the collar
should kill them.
I know!
And then he just kept going
and digging himself deeper,
saying he didn't mean it,
trying to blame it on Ray.
"Oh, honey, uh, it's not you.
It's Debra.
Ray says she's a
real tight-ass."
And then he starts in with,
"You know, it's just your
hard shell, you know?
And inside is a delicious nut."
You know? It was just so...
Are you okay?
What's up there?
The main cable connection
comes in through the attic.
I just got to get up there
and jiggle the wires,
and the picture'll be fine.
Well, jiggle it because
it's almost halftime.
I just got to shimmy up
through the trapdoor.
You got a ladder or something?
No. It's fine. Just
give me a boost.
What, no ladder?
You wanna watch the game?
Come on. Give me 10 fingers.
All right, all right. Come on.
Come on.
Come on. I'm almost there.
Hurry.
I can't. Give me just
a couple more inches.
I can't reach it. I can't...
Come on! Ohhhh!
Oh, God! Oh, Ray!
Ray! Ray, I'm stuck!
DOUG: Ray!
Tight-ass?
Uh-oh.
Ohhh!
Doug?
How's your back?
It still hurts. Good.
Is there anyone down there who
can scratch my inner thigh?
CARRIE: Doug, Richie's here.
Hey, moose, it's me, Richie.
Really? Is that what she meant
when she said, "Richie's here"?
Get me down!
Whoa. Somebody's cranky.
Hey, Santa Claus, you missed!
Uh, Shecky, you wanna get
him down now, please?
All right. Let me
check this out.
Ohhh...
You guys all right?
Well, he's got a pinched nerve,
and apparently, I
have a tight ass.
You don't say that to a fireman.
What the hell's going
on down there?!
All right, moose, relax.
We got you covered.
Hey, Chenz, go get
me a big stick.
If we whack him, maybe
candy will come out!
RICHIE: Okay, 1, 2, 3, push!
DOUG: Easy! Easy!
You're taking skin!
Keep pushing!
DOUG: Stop pushing!
DOUG: Hey, is it bad
that I'm dizzy?
No, no, it's normal.
It's not normal. We better
get him out of there.
I can hear you!
Well, could you hurry
up and get him down?
Carrie, can I use your phone?
I need to check on the kids.
Yeah. It's right there.
You know what? With all this,
I'm gonna go downstairs.
Hey, wait. I'll go with you.
We'll do it together.
Just me and you.
Oh, now, that's uncalled for.
All right, we're
gonna have to cut.
DOUG: What?
What do you have to cut?
His legs.
Right about here ought to do it.
Ohh! Nice try, moose!
Okay, Doug, could you
stop it, please?
You wanna be up there all night?
So what do you have to cut?
Couple ceiling beams
ought to do it.
Yo, Eric, go radio in. Tell
them we need the buzzer.
Got it.
DOUG: The buzzer?
What's the buzzer? DOUG:
What's the buzzer?
Don't worry, moose.
It's a saw. We won't hurt you.
Okay. I'm not worried about him.
I'm worried about my closet.
Is there any other way?
Well, you could just
leave him up there
and not feed him for
a couple of days.
Okay! He's not that funny!
You don't like my house, Mick?
My house stinks?
Yeah, that's right, it stinks!
My whole life stinks!
You just need proper management.
Kid, you need proper management!
You're gonna eat lightning
and gonna crap thunder!
Crap thunder, but I ain't
got no locker, do I, Mick?
I ain't got no locker, huh?
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing up here?
Well, it's gonna be at
least another hour.
Thought you might
be getting hungry,
and I also think you
have a right to know
that Richie's getting ready
to paint your toenails.
He is?
RICHIE: Oww!
Well, if I ever need asbestos,
I know where to go.
Here.
Thanks.
What, no juice box?
Excuse me,
I had to climb up the freaking
trellis to bring you this.
I needed one free hand.
You never heard of a backpack?
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
It's a joke!
What, you still mad at me?
Yes! I...
What? Come on.
Let's talk it out.
Um...
What?
Doug?
Yeah?
How do you feel in
general about mice...
or maybe a rat?
Not a fan. Why? Behind me?
Doug...
Is there a rat behind me?
Okay, would you just relax?
I can't relax, all right?
Right now I'm about
18 inches tall,
and I smell like barbecue!
Okay, Doug, don't panic!
He's not even paying
attention to...
Is he coming towards me?
Well, he's closer than he was.
For the sweet love of God, kill it!
Use your shoe!
I can't kill it!
Ooh.
There.
Look. It worked. He's eating it.
Good.
Good.
You think he's gonna finish it?
Hey, Doug.
Yeah.
Listen, we got to go.
The baby-sitter's waiting.
Oh, all right. Hey,
thanks for coming.
Yeah, thanks, you guys.
Yeah, hey, thanks for having us.
It was so nice
meeting you, Carrie.
It was nice meeting you.
Hey, let's have lunch.
Oh, absolutely. I'll call you.
Bye, Doug.
Bye, Deb. Hey, see you, Ray.
Thanks again for coming.
All right, man. Hey, thank you.
Thank you. It was fun.
Really fun.
What are you, an 11?
Because I'm an 11. All right, Ray.
Let's...
I don't know. Sanford and Son?
No. What's Happening!
Oh.
How does Sanford and Son go?
Duh.
Right, right. ♪ Nana Nana
All right. ♪ Wada Dada Dada da
All right!
Can we stop playing this now?
All right, fine,
but you're forfeit
and you owe me $10 bucks.
It's so worth it.
Hey, Richie, that's
not even funny!
Get that out of there!
RICHIE: Sorry, moose.
Couldn't resist.
Good news. The saw's here.
We'll have you out in 2 minutes.
All right. Be careful!
I better get down there,
make sure he doesn't cut
off anything I need.
Good idea.
Oh, and, Carrie?
Yeah?
Look, I... I'm really...
I'm really sorry about
what I said, okay?
I know.
I'm not embarrassed
by you, not at all.
That's very nice,
coming from a man
who's wearing his
house as a belt.
I love you.
I love you too.
Come here. Pour some
sugar on me, huh?
Easy!
That's raw. That's raw.
Pain! Pain!
Sorry, honey.
First of all, you shouldn't
be using the ointment.
Get the spray.
Kind of look like Saturn.
That's the one with the
ring around it, right?
Yeah, all right. Would you
get the spray, please?
CARRIE: Have it?
Aaahhh!