The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 7 - Get Away - full transcript

Doug, I'm back! Sorry
it took me so long.

DOUG: It's okay. Gotta
level with you.

I didn't know you went anywhere.

Ay.

I dropped my dad
off at Mickey's,

and I brought the
dog to the kennel.

Sweetie, where are the bags?

Deacon and Kelly are gonna be
here any minute to pick us up.

It's all right, I'm coming down
right now, and I got them.

Oh, God.

What are you doing?
Make two trips.



I got it, I got it.
Out of the way.

Oh, God.

There you go. Nice job, huh?

Yeah, nice job, but that there,

that's our hamper.

You put all the
luggage next to it.

I just went in and I
forklifted everything.

Where are these guys anyway?

I want to get up
there before dinner.

That's the beauty of
taking a trip by car.

You can change your mind
at the last minute,

go someplace else.

Doug, don't start.

Could you take one
more look at it?



Come on. Deluxe room,
Trump Tower and Casino.

I'm not looking.

$39 a night and every room
has its own love tub.

Doug, do you really want
to spend our anniversary

at a craps table?

There and in the love tub.

Honey, this place is
supposed to be really nice.

They have apple orchards

and little brooks
with waterfalls.

Hey, I bet you five
bucks we see a bunny.

I don't wanna see a bunny.
I wanna see three bunnies

followed by the sound
of change dropping.

Annoying.

Now, listen to me.

I am going upstate for
a romantic weekend.

You could come or not, but
either way, I'm getting some.

Maybe I better be
there for that.

Yeah. That's my boy. Okay.

Look at this. Apple
soap, apple shampoo.

These people took a theme and
really ran with it, huh?

Uh-huh.

Look, look, l-l-look.

How do you like them apples?

All right, that's my
joke for the weekend,

so get used to it.

Oh, no. I think I
packed too fast.

What do you mean?

I have seven t-shirts
and 12 pairs of socks.

No pants and no underwear.

Don't worry, honey.

I packed you some stuff.

And look.

What do you think of this?

Wow.

I'm gonna have to
diet like a madman.

Okay, do we get the apple room,

or is it the whole place?

Oh, God.

I know. Apples everywhere.

And yet, the computer
at the front desk?

IBM. Go figure.

Hey, man, I got us
a 2:00 tee time.

Cool.

Wow. For a straight guy, you
pack a beautiful suitcase.

Just like to keep
things organized.

See, I got my dress pants
and dress shirts here,

my golf shirts there,

my dress socks, golf
socks, sweaters,

t-shirts, vitamins.

I have nothing to cover the
lower half of my body.

I'm sure we can get the
other guests to chip in

and buy you something.

Ah, look at this!

Brought a little funk
to upstate, huh?

Oh, yeah. Track one
is our special song,

if you know what I'm saying.

Oh, yeah. Music to shimmy by.

That's what I'm talking 'bout.

Should we cancel the golf?

Thanks again for
dinner, you guys.

It's your anniversary.

It's the least we could do.

That was very sweet.
Now, listen.

Do not get us a gift,
and I mean it.

Um... we're not.

Oh.

Well, good.

So...

You starting to like
this place, hon?

Yeah, it's okay. A lot
better than that resort

we stayed at in
Florida last year.

Oh, come on, you can't
compare the two.

It's apples and oranges.

Hah!

What? Nothing for
that one, either?

There's no minibar key.

Oh, I have that.

Oh, give it to me.

No. You can't be trusted
with an open minibar.

Would you give me the key?

No! Doug, remember last
year at the Marriott?

I left you alone
for two minutes,

and I found you passed out
on the $12 Bit-O-Honey.

Give me the key and we can
get on with our lives.

No! Not so fast, buddy.
No. How about this?

You do a little something
to my satisfaction,

and maybe I will reward
you with a treat.

Just give me the key. No.

Give me the key! Stop!

What is it?

That's their song.

What?

Deacon and Kelly.
They play that music

when they get a little... Hello!

Oh!

Oh, yeah. We have
cleared the tower.

Don't listen!

Godspeed, Deacon Palmer.

Doug, you really can't think
of anything better to do?

Oh, yeah. The minibar key.

That's right.

Now, why don't you
come over here

and give me your minibar key?

Sorry. I meant that cute,
but it came out hurtful.

That's all right.
I'm shaking it off.

Okay.

That was really
something, Dougie.

Well, thank you.

And you faked more
than usual tonight.

Well, it is our anniversary.

So how's your $7
bag of pretzels?

Cheddar cheese and honey
pretzels, for your information.

And not so good.

Well, anyway, you earned them.

Going for the repeat.

Maybe they're just
playing the song again.

Oh, gotta throw you
a no on that one.

Stop! Stop listening!
Now, come on.

We gotta get some sleep.
We got a big day tomorrow.

What are we doing?

After you play golf, we're gonna
go on a nature walk, canoeing,

and we're gonna learn how
they make apple cider.

Can't some things just
remain a mystery?

Happy anniversary.

I love you. I love you too.

♪ Whoo-hoo...

What? What is it?

Nothing. Go back to bed.

♪ Oh, come on

♪ Whoo

Big day tomorrow. Cider.

Yeah, big day, big day.

♪ Sugar

You should probably
start getting dressed.

I told Kelly we would meet
them in the lobby at 9:00.

Oh, right.

Right.

Uh, listen, once again...

last night was very nice.

And you were extra special sexy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you were a real tiger.

No, you were. No, you were.

All right. Let's just agree
we were both tigers.

Okay.

You can probably take your
time getting dressed.

I hope they make it in
time for breakfast.

Or at least in time for lunch.

Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

You two wanna be alone?

No, no. I'm just, uh,

checking to see what kind
of apples they were.

Just regular red ones.

Sorry we're late.

Oh, that's okay, that's okay.
No prob.

It's hard to get going in
the morning, you know?

Wanna hit the buffet?
Yeah. I'm starving.

Ooh. An omelet bar. You with me?

Yeah, let's do it.

Morning, my man.

I'll have a three-egg omelet

with ham, tomato, green
peppers, and chives.

Yeah, I'll have the same.

Oh, and mushrooms too.

Yeah, and mushrooms too.

Sorry again about being so late.

Oh, that's okay.

So, what was the hold-up?

Lose a contact?

Knot in a shoelace?

No. Actually, Deacon woke me up

with a little something-something
on his mind.

Oh, really?

That's sweet.

I guess being up here
away from the kids,

you two finally have a chance
to go a little crazy, right?

Not really.

We manage to do pretty
well at home too.

Where there's a will,
there's a way, am I right?

♪ Ow, baby

♪ Mm!

♪ Sugar

♪ Whoo! Mmm!

All right, knock it off!

Why?

You're making me look bad!

What are you talking about?

You and Kelly three
times last night,

and then what was this
little thing this morning?

What was that all about?

You just trying to zetz me?

So come on, there's gotta
be something up here

that's getting you going?

What is it? The clean
air, the water,

apples turn you on? What?

No. What is going on with you?

Nothing.

No, seriously, tell me.

What's wrong?

Well, I've always thought that
Doug and I had a good sex life,

and I mean, we do,

but I started thinking that...

maybe I just don't
turn Doug on anymore.

I'm still really turned
on by her, Deac, I am.

It's just that you
know what it is?

I'm just built to fire once.

Like a musket.

What do you want from me?

I guess I would just feel better

if Doug and I were
having more sex.

I'd just feel better

if you and Kelly were
having less sex.

Okay, so we set aside a
little too much time

to watch cider-making.

I mean, who'd have thought?

It's basically just squeezing
the crap out of an apple.

So, what do you wanna do now?
You wanna go for a walk?

We were out all day.
I'm kinda beat.

You wanna just hang out here?

Yeah. I'm a little tired too.

You wanna watch a movie?

Way ahead of you.

How about Bloodsport?

No. I read the book.

Come on, honey, pick a
regular movie, will you?

I'm gonna go wash up.

You're killing me here!

I thought you guys were out
watching them make cider.

We got back early, all right?
It's a very simple process.

How was I supposed to
know you were back?

Fine! Next time, I'll
put a tie on the door

when Carrie and I are
inside not having sex!

Why don't you just
take it easy, huh?

Me? You know, I ask
you one thing,

stay away from your wife.

Is that too much?

For your information, this
is not totally up to me.

Kelly has a little bit
of say in this too.

Hey, she can't make
you, all right?

No means no.

What are those?

My vitamins.

Oh, no. No more supersonic sex
pills for you, my friend.

Get off!

Great. Just great.

Hey, you ever think
you can solve this

by just having more
sex with your wife?

Don't try and make
this about me.

Because I'm telling
you, man, me and Kelly

are going on a moonlight
boat ride tonight

and having some brandies by
that fireplace downstairs,

so when we get back up here...

Hey, enough!

So this is the way
it's gonna be, huh?

You're just gonna continue
on with this sick behavior?

Yeah.

I love my wife.

I wanna enjoy her
and make her happy.

Okay, good. Well,
thanks for nothing.

Hi.

Oh, Mrs. Heffernan.

I hope you and your husband
are enjoying your stay.

Yes. We love your,
um, your apples.

Uh, something I can do for you?

Uh, yes. Actually, it's kind
of our anniversary weekend.

Oh, that's lovely.

Thank you.

Um, I was wondering if there
was a place around here...

uh...

you know, like a store
that might sell clothes...

other items...

fun items that, uh...

might enhance or...

spice up, if you will...

a young couple's anniversary?

Uh...

There's a Sears
down on route 40.

Uh... no.

Ahem.

I meant more of a...

specialty store.

Uh-huh.

L.L. Bean?

I'll go there. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Heffernan,

if you're looking for your wife,

she went up to your room
about 10 minutes ago.

Oh, thanks.

And, uh, happy
anniversary, by the way.

Thanks again.

My wife and I,

we're celebrating our
42nd this month.

Forty-two years. Wow.
Congratulations.

And I tell you, I love
her more every day.

Really?

You ever love her
twice in one day?

Sorry.

Hi, Dougie.

Wh-wh-what are you...
what are you wearing?

Oh, this?

Just a little apple princess
outfit I picked up in town.

Why?

To mix it up a little bit.

I saw you eyeing that big
cutout in the lobby, so...

here you go.

And hey, with me,
no paper cuts, hmm?

Doesn't Doug likey?

Oh, yeah! Dougie likey, yeah.

Okay, so come on.

Let's make some cider.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Just, for
a second there,

you reminded me of my mother.

Wait! Ew!

Your mother?

You don't look like her.

You look like the lady
on the box of cocoa

my mother used to make for me.

That's what you were thinking
when I was kissing your neck?

At first, yeah.

Then I was thinking

about how I used to like
two packets in one mug.

Make it extra cocoa-y.

Okay. I'm guessing the
outfit's not working.

No, it's fine! Come on, stay!

You look hot, apple wench!
Let's go!

Okay.

Come on.

If you could just
lose the braids.

Oh, forget it! This is stupid!

I'm sorry! I'm trying!

We should've just gone
to Atlantic City.

Then the sex stuff never
would've even come up.

Yeah, you're coming on our
next vacation, right!

♪ Come on

♪ Oh, come on

Hey, what's the matter?

Um, nothing.

I just thought, you know,

why don't we go learn
how cider is made?

You don't wanna fool around?

Uh...

not right now.

Why not?

You getting tired of your baby?

Um...

Yes?

Yes. The couple next door.

Yeah. They're in room 21.

Yeah. The music is
just way too loud.

Doug, stop it!

It's not their fault.

Oh, then I guess it must be my fault, huh?
Captain Inadequate.

What?

I see the look in your face
when that music comes on.

The longing, the disappointment,

the "Oh, what might have been."

What are you talking about?

It's not you. It's me.

What?

Yeah. I mean, obviously, I
don't turn you on anymore.

You don't turn me on?

Well, no. Not the way I used to.

Have you ever seen the look on
my face when you get naked?

It's like a kid looking
at Halloween candy.

Or me looking at
Halloween candy.

Really?

Believe me, you're
not the problem.

The problem's right here,
the one-hit wonder.

Would you stop it? You're fine.

I'm not fine, all right?

I do it once, then pass
out like a grizzly bear

that got shot in the ass
with a sedative dart.

And that is fine with me.

Look, after we make
love, I want to stop.

Because I'm happy,
and I'm fulfilled.

Plus, I like to watch you sleep.

You drool a little. It's cute.

If you're happy...

and I'm happy,

then why are we
getting so crazy?

I don't know.

♪ Ooh

Deacon, what is going on?

Nothing's going on.

Something's going on.

I just don't wanna
have sex with you.

Why can't you respect that?

So you wanna open up some of
that apple wine in the minibar?

Yeah. I'll get some ice.
It'll dull the taste.

Okay. While you're doing that,

I will change out of
this stupid thing.

Now, you did say naked
works for you, right?

Oh, yeah. Naked's
a crowd-pleaser.

Kelly, c-come on!

Don't be like that, Kelly!

Trouble in paradise?

NARRATOR: After harvesting,

the apples are sorted
by size and color,

then carefully packed
for their journey

to dinner tables
across the country.

Mm-mmm!

These beauties should
keep the doctor away.

What are you watching?

It's a tape. I bought it
in the hotel gift shop.

Why?

It was on sale.

NARRATOR: Truly nature's
most versatile fruit.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. America,

how do you like them apples?

Hey! That's my bit!