The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 6 - Doug Out - full transcript
Doug has to pick Arthur up from his job, because Carrie is working late. On the way home, Arthur talks, and talks, and talks. When Carrie gets home, Doug calls her father a "Demented Old Circus Monkey". However, Carrie went out of the house to get a beer. Arthur heard what Doug said about him, and does not talk to him. The only way Doug can fix this mess, is to take Arthur to a New York Mets baseball game.
I get so sad when my
food's coming to an end.
I know you do, honey.
Then you start seeing the
bottom of the container,
and you know it's...
It's almost over.
Hey, what you got there?
The one you brought in for me.
Aha.
Do you want it?
I shouldn't. I shouldn't.
Then don't.
I'm getting sad again.
What's with that shirt?
This?
It's velour.
It's nice.
My mother's got a toilet
seat cover like that.
What's up, boys?
Slide it on over.
Do me a favor...
Make a little room
for the IPS driver of the month.
Oh, nice work, man
Number one on-time record,
Number one delivery record,
and the fewest lost packages.
Driver...
of the month.
I put a fire out at
a nursery school.
Oh, that's good.
Listen, could we get a
pitcher of beer over here?
Anything you want tonight,
boys, I'm buying.
So what do you get for this,
a trophy with a
little truck on top?
Hey, for your information,
they gave my man four Mets
tickets in the IPS box
for this Saturday. Front row.
Four seats, four of
us, we're there!
Hey, let's get there early.
You know what? We
should sleep at Doug's.
Actually, Carrie's
already called dibs
on one of the tickets.
And I know I get one.
Why do you get one?
Because I punched him in six
times when he was late,
hence his perfect
on-time record.
Well, who gets the
fourth ticket?
I don't know I guess you guys
gotta decide among yourselves.
Here you go. Doug, your
wife's on the phone.
Oh, thanks.
Well, how do we decide who
gets the extra ticket?
I don't know. Deac, what
do you think is fair?
Don't care.
I already got my ticket.
Hey, we could measure something.
You know, like the
length of something.
All right.
Or maybe there's another way.
What's up?
Carrie's gonna be
at her office late.
I gotta go pick up
Arthur from work.
Basically, what I'm saying
is, pay for your own food.
Well, it looks like we're
gonna be here for a while.
Yep.
You hungry?
Yeah you got some food?
No, just making conversation.
Aw, man, this traffic is brutal.
Well, on the bright side, it
gives us a chance to talk.
Hey, have you ever heard the
story about my foot surgery?
Uh.
Yes?
Didn't take place in
a hospital proper,
but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me first tell you
about the accident.
So if I didn't sell at least
200 canned hams a week,
I didn't see a dime!
And that little baby grew up
to be Miss Rosemary Clooney.
ARTHUR: Douglas, let me tell
you how the Vietnam War
could have been avoided
with a simple phone call.
Imagine the
possibilities, Douglas.
You can sleep in it at night
and eat it in the morning!
And I guess the lesson I
learned from that was,
farm equipment is
serious business.
Well, here we are, home again.
Home again.
Yep. It only took
an hour and a half.
Yes, but in a way, it was
a blessing in disguise
We had some wonderful
bonding time.
You're a good egg, Douglas.
Oh, and I will get you that
literature I promised you.
Great, I look forward to it.
Oh, God!
TV COMMENTATOR: Zero
to 5.8 in 60 seconds.
Hey, I'm home.
Hey!
What are you watching?
Letterman. Top 10.
Huh? Top 10 list.
What is it tonight?
Top 10 signs...
Top 10 what?
Hold on! Carrie, I'm listening!
Just tell me the topic!
Carrie, could you...
Ah! I missed it!
Sorry. That's all right.
Hey, thanks for picking
up Dad from work tonight.
Did it go okay?
Okay?
Let me tell you something,
Carrie, I love your dad,
but being trapped in the car
with him for two hours...
Not even close to okay.
I mean, he just kept
going on and on
about every little stupid thing.
And I'll tell you
another thing...
I'd really like to
set up a meeting
between your father and a Tic Tac.
Hot ziggety!
Whoo!
God, it was brutal.
It was like being
trapped in the car
with a demented old
circus monkey.
Anyway, why are you
late from work again?
It's like the third time this
week you should just tell your...
Hey, Arthur.
Douglas.
Where were you?
In the garage, getting a beer.
What's the matter?
I thought you were in there,
and I started going off about
your father, and he came up,
and I don't know if he heard me.
Well, what did you say?
I think I called him a
demented old circus monkey.
A demented old circus monkey?
I know it's hurtful,
that's the point.
But why did you say it?
You know he's always coming
in and out of doors.
He's been down there
for four hours.
I saw him take his pills.
It looked like enough
to put a rhino down.
Well, how did he act
when you walked in?
Did he act like he heard you?
I don't know.
He just said, "Douglas."
Oh, I just wanted to come home
and have a beer and relax.
Just for a moment,
let's assume that he did hear
"demented old circus monkey."
How bad does that
actually sound?
Well, it doesn't sound good.
Wait a second now. "Circus," fun
for the whole family, right?
And "monkey," I think of
the tricycle, mug of beer
It's very cute.
What about demented?
That could bite me in the ass.
Yeah.
Hey, there he is...
My man, Artie.
Hey, the Art man.
Art of the deal.
Hello, Douglas.
How you doing?
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Love this guy.
Uh, you know, uh,
yesterday, right after we
got caught in traffic,
I was a little, uh, furp,
little crazy, you know?
I was just kind of saying stuff,
but I was thinking later on
that that time we spent
in the car together
was kind of special, you know,
because you were just so...
You were
you, you know?
I am me, yes.
Hey, Stanley, you demented
old circus monkey, you!
Who's a demented
old circus monkey?
You are, yes, you are.
Because you're so good
and fun to be around
Yeah.
Hey, honey. Hi, Dad.
Hey, Carrie, you demented
old circus monkey!
What?
It's just my new thing
I call everyone I
love, you know?
It's my catch phrase,
starting yesterday.
I'm off to work.
See you tonight.
All right, I want you
to take it easy now,
you demented old circus monkey!
That was subtle.
I know.
I was trying. He wouldn't
give me anything, you know?
He didn't seem that angry, but
he wasn't all that nice, either.
He was just kind of
there, like a cat.
Doug, listen to me.
You need to either
apologize to him,
or let this thing go
because you're really
starting to annoy me.
I just need to know if he heard.
Okay, I got it.
You and I, we're gonna
do a reenactment.
A reenactment?
Yeah I'm gonna be me
you're gonna be him,
and I'm gonna repeat what I said,
exactly the way I said it,
and then we'll find out whether
he heard once and for all.
Okay, what can I do to
make this not happen?
We need everything to be
exactly the same way.
This pass-way, this was
open right here, okay?
And the TV was on it
was definitely on.
Okay.
How loud did I say it,
though, you know?
Demented old circus monkey.
It'd be like driving...
Demented old circus monkey!
Like a demented
old circus monkey
Yeah, that was the one...
The third one, right there.
Are you sure you're
in the right key?
Now, come on, you're Arthur
and you're coming up
out of the basement.
Oy!
Would you just work with me, please?
Okay.
Do you need me to say something like,
"action," or anything like that?
I can handle it, butch.
All right, don't push it.
Throw it away.
Douglas!
I'm Arthur!
Arthur Spooner, that's me!
I've invented a new kind of pie.
Hi. Ahem.
Oh, my God, this is not my hat.
Hey, Arthur, we were just, uh...
I saw what you were doing.
I guess when I leave you
do little skits about me,
is that it?
Well, I don't.
No, of course not.
You're too busy calling me a
demented old circus monkey
behind my back!
Dad... No!
I'm glad I can be a source of
such amusement to you two.
I'll be going now.
And by the way,
I didn't invent a
new kind of pie.
It was a crumb cake!
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, wow, he's really mad at us.
There is no us.
You started this, and then
you took me down with you
with that brilliant
little reenactment.
In my defense, Carrie, it was
your choice to wear the hat.
You created an atmosphere
where it was easy to
get carried away.
Just go out there and try
to talk to him, will you?
Why don't you? I did.
Every time I do, he just covers
his ears and shuts his eyes
and walks away.
Usually right into something.
Okay, I'll go.
Dad, would you just come
inside and eat with us?
Sorry.
I prefer to eat out here
with the other demented
circus monkeys.
You're not a circus monkey, Dad.
Uh-uh.
Demented circus monkey.
Will you stop it?
We're sorry, okay?
Sure, it's easy to say you're
sorry after the insult.
Well, it's kind of hard to
do it before the insult.
Heh heh heh heh!
If you're trying to
disarm me with your wit,
I recommend you save your time.
Hey!
Party Artie!
Chef Boy-Artie!
Yeah, we're... We're in here.
All right, I got it!
You wait in the
Shea parking lot,
and after 4 and a half innings,
I come out, and then you go
in for the rest of the game.
How's that?
You won't come out.
That's true.
I apologized to
the guy 20 times.
What else can I do?
I don't know.
Why don't you take
him somewhere?
What, like...
out to the woods?
Hey, I got an idea.
We got a dish here with
about a dozen butter balls.
You eat them all
in under a minute,
and you're going to Shea.
I know what you could do.
What?
You could give him the
other Mets ticket.
This is a lot of butter,
and I think we have a deal.
Not the game. He'll
ruin it somehow.
He'll yell something
embarrassing,
and the first-base
coach will look at me.
Look, man, you hurt
the guy's feelings.
You gotta deal with
the consequences.
I guess you're right.
I guess I gotta bite the
bullet on this one.
All right, I'll bring him.
That's 12.
I win.
I get the ticket!
What?
ANNOUNCER: Now batting,
Number 61
Gilbert Showman.
Okay, Arthur, got you a program
and a pennant here
and a little bat.
It's also a pen.
Look at it! I'm a
giant baseball player
with a very normal-sized bat.
Whoa!
He lays down a bunt!
Okay, it's not landing.
Would you just take
this stuff, will you?
Thank you, no.
I accepted this ticket
because I love the Mets
and I enjoy the company
of Mister, uh...
Palmer.
Palmer.
You two I can do without.
All right, so what
do you wanna eat?
You want a hot dog, peanuts?
Nothing, thank you.
What about one of those
ice creams you like?
Cool-A-Coo? Huh?
You love Cool-A-Coos.
If I got you a cool-a-coo,
would you eat it?
I might eat it.
Then I'm gonna get
you a Cool-A-Coo
and one for my friend, uh...
I'm sorry, son.
Give it to me one more time.
Palmer.
Palmer.
ANNOUNCER: Now
batting, Number 4...
Greg Jacobs!
Oh, God.
These seats are
pretty great, huh?
Sure you don't
want that pennant?
Because I think it's,
uh, pretty sweet.
I'm sure.
Yeah! Yeah!
Mets! Yeah! God,
this thing is fun!
Yeah.
Hi. I need two
Cool-A-Coos, please
Sorry, beer only.
Okay, I'll take a beer
and two Cool-A-Coos.
Beer only.
What are you talking about?
You got Cool-A-Coos right there.
I can see them!
Beer only.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that.
Listen, I've got an old man out
there with very hurt feelings,
and he's got his heart set
on a fricking Cool-A-Coo.
Now, I'm gonna count to five,
and if a Cool-A-Coo does
not appear in my hand,
I'm gonna put you on a stick.
What does Met stand
for anyway, you know?
I mean, what's a Met?
What's the deal with that?
Come on. Give me something, huh?
It's short for "metropolitan."
Or perhaps it's short for
"hurtful son-in-law."
All right, that's it!
Come on, you know?
I said I was sorry. I didn't
even mean what I said.
I've apologized. I've shared
front row seats with you.
I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
Never got a foul ball before.
Hey, buddy! Back in your seat!
Hey!
Go, big man.
Go.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, will
you look at this?
This is terrible.
Is that Doug?
ANNOUNCER: Some moron is
running around the field,
ruining it for everyone.
Go, moose!
Hey? How you guys doing?
That's my son-in-law!
Piazza!
Driver of the month.
This is a long way to fall.
Um, excuse me, sir?
I'm sorry to bother you.
Could you just let
us go now, please?
He won't go on the field again,
and I won't spit on any
more concession people.
Sorry. Rules are rules.
Oh, come on it's not like you're
running a real jail here.
It's Mets' jail get a grip!
Piazza!
Hey, dude, you know what? We get it.
You like Piazza.
Okay, now settle down, drunky.
All right, honey, take it easy!
This man has puking
in his future.
Hey, some guy's
here to claim you.
Hey, Arthur. Hi, Dad.
Well, I can't say this
is my proudest moment.
Sorry I didn't get
you that foul ball.
No, no, Douglas, I
was very touched.
You did toss it away to save
yourself, but other than that,
it was a very nice gesture.
I almost got you your ice cream.
Well, yes, but I heard you
were in the "beer only" line.
Last time I checked,
that means "beer only."
Well, anyway, I'm sorry.
Come on. Let's get you kids
out of this hell hole.
Listen, Arthur, I'm...
I'm really sorry about that
demented monkey comment.
Aw, forget it.
To be honest, Douglas,
behind your back,
I often refer to you
as the butterball.
That's good to know, and ouch.
TV ANNOUNCER: And from
the at-least-you-know
you're-smarter
than-someone file,
here's a guy who really
wanted a foul ball
in Shea stadium today.
Look at this lunatic go.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
Yeah, why don't
you show the part
where I make a crazy
old man happy, huh?
Oh, hey, Dad.
Yeah, you're funny? Thought
that was funny, huh?
Funny funny funny!
food's coming to an end.
I know you do, honey.
Then you start seeing the
bottom of the container,
and you know it's...
It's almost over.
Hey, what you got there?
The one you brought in for me.
Aha.
Do you want it?
I shouldn't. I shouldn't.
Then don't.
I'm getting sad again.
What's with that shirt?
This?
It's velour.
It's nice.
My mother's got a toilet
seat cover like that.
What's up, boys?
Slide it on over.
Do me a favor...
Make a little room
for the IPS driver of the month.
Oh, nice work, man
Number one on-time record,
Number one delivery record,
and the fewest lost packages.
Driver...
of the month.
I put a fire out at
a nursery school.
Oh, that's good.
Listen, could we get a
pitcher of beer over here?
Anything you want tonight,
boys, I'm buying.
So what do you get for this,
a trophy with a
little truck on top?
Hey, for your information,
they gave my man four Mets
tickets in the IPS box
for this Saturday. Front row.
Four seats, four of
us, we're there!
Hey, let's get there early.
You know what? We
should sleep at Doug's.
Actually, Carrie's
already called dibs
on one of the tickets.
And I know I get one.
Why do you get one?
Because I punched him in six
times when he was late,
hence his perfect
on-time record.
Well, who gets the
fourth ticket?
I don't know I guess you guys
gotta decide among yourselves.
Here you go. Doug, your
wife's on the phone.
Oh, thanks.
Well, how do we decide who
gets the extra ticket?
I don't know. Deac, what
do you think is fair?
Don't care.
I already got my ticket.
Hey, we could measure something.
You know, like the
length of something.
All right.
Or maybe there's another way.
What's up?
Carrie's gonna be
at her office late.
I gotta go pick up
Arthur from work.
Basically, what I'm saying
is, pay for your own food.
Well, it looks like we're
gonna be here for a while.
Yep.
You hungry?
Yeah you got some food?
No, just making conversation.
Aw, man, this traffic is brutal.
Well, on the bright side, it
gives us a chance to talk.
Hey, have you ever heard the
story about my foot surgery?
Uh.
Yes?
Didn't take place in
a hospital proper,
but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me first tell you
about the accident.
So if I didn't sell at least
200 canned hams a week,
I didn't see a dime!
And that little baby grew up
to be Miss Rosemary Clooney.
ARTHUR: Douglas, let me tell
you how the Vietnam War
could have been avoided
with a simple phone call.
Imagine the
possibilities, Douglas.
You can sleep in it at night
and eat it in the morning!
And I guess the lesson I
learned from that was,
farm equipment is
serious business.
Well, here we are, home again.
Home again.
Yep. It only took
an hour and a half.
Yes, but in a way, it was
a blessing in disguise
We had some wonderful
bonding time.
You're a good egg, Douglas.
Oh, and I will get you that
literature I promised you.
Great, I look forward to it.
Oh, God!
TV COMMENTATOR: Zero
to 5.8 in 60 seconds.
Hey, I'm home.
Hey!
What are you watching?
Letterman. Top 10.
Huh? Top 10 list.
What is it tonight?
Top 10 signs...
Top 10 what?
Hold on! Carrie, I'm listening!
Just tell me the topic!
Carrie, could you...
Ah! I missed it!
Sorry. That's all right.
Hey, thanks for picking
up Dad from work tonight.
Did it go okay?
Okay?
Let me tell you something,
Carrie, I love your dad,
but being trapped in the car
with him for two hours...
Not even close to okay.
I mean, he just kept
going on and on
about every little stupid thing.
And I'll tell you
another thing...
I'd really like to
set up a meeting
between your father and a Tic Tac.
Hot ziggety!
Whoo!
God, it was brutal.
It was like being
trapped in the car
with a demented old
circus monkey.
Anyway, why are you
late from work again?
It's like the third time this
week you should just tell your...
Hey, Arthur.
Douglas.
Where were you?
In the garage, getting a beer.
What's the matter?
I thought you were in there,
and I started going off about
your father, and he came up,
and I don't know if he heard me.
Well, what did you say?
I think I called him a
demented old circus monkey.
A demented old circus monkey?
I know it's hurtful,
that's the point.
But why did you say it?
You know he's always coming
in and out of doors.
He's been down there
for four hours.
I saw him take his pills.
It looked like enough
to put a rhino down.
Well, how did he act
when you walked in?
Did he act like he heard you?
I don't know.
He just said, "Douglas."
Oh, I just wanted to come home
and have a beer and relax.
Just for a moment,
let's assume that he did hear
"demented old circus monkey."
How bad does that
actually sound?
Well, it doesn't sound good.
Wait a second now. "Circus," fun
for the whole family, right?
And "monkey," I think of
the tricycle, mug of beer
It's very cute.
What about demented?
That could bite me in the ass.
Yeah.
Hey, there he is...
My man, Artie.
Hey, the Art man.
Art of the deal.
Hello, Douglas.
How you doing?
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Love this guy.
Uh, you know, uh,
yesterday, right after we
got caught in traffic,
I was a little, uh, furp,
little crazy, you know?
I was just kind of saying stuff,
but I was thinking later on
that that time we spent
in the car together
was kind of special, you know,
because you were just so...
You were
you, you know?
I am me, yes.
Hey, Stanley, you demented
old circus monkey, you!
Who's a demented
old circus monkey?
You are, yes, you are.
Because you're so good
and fun to be around
Yeah.
Hey, honey. Hi, Dad.
Hey, Carrie, you demented
old circus monkey!
What?
It's just my new thing
I call everyone I
love, you know?
It's my catch phrase,
starting yesterday.
I'm off to work.
See you tonight.
All right, I want you
to take it easy now,
you demented old circus monkey!
That was subtle.
I know.
I was trying. He wouldn't
give me anything, you know?
He didn't seem that angry, but
he wasn't all that nice, either.
He was just kind of
there, like a cat.
Doug, listen to me.
You need to either
apologize to him,
or let this thing go
because you're really
starting to annoy me.
I just need to know if he heard.
Okay, I got it.
You and I, we're gonna
do a reenactment.
A reenactment?
Yeah I'm gonna be me
you're gonna be him,
and I'm gonna repeat what I said,
exactly the way I said it,
and then we'll find out whether
he heard once and for all.
Okay, what can I do to
make this not happen?
We need everything to be
exactly the same way.
This pass-way, this was
open right here, okay?
And the TV was on it
was definitely on.
Okay.
How loud did I say it,
though, you know?
Demented old circus monkey.
It'd be like driving...
Demented old circus monkey!
Like a demented
old circus monkey
Yeah, that was the one...
The third one, right there.
Are you sure you're
in the right key?
Now, come on, you're Arthur
and you're coming up
out of the basement.
Oy!
Would you just work with me, please?
Okay.
Do you need me to say something like,
"action," or anything like that?
I can handle it, butch.
All right, don't push it.
Throw it away.
Douglas!
I'm Arthur!
Arthur Spooner, that's me!
I've invented a new kind of pie.
Hi. Ahem.
Oh, my God, this is not my hat.
Hey, Arthur, we were just, uh...
I saw what you were doing.
I guess when I leave you
do little skits about me,
is that it?
Well, I don't.
No, of course not.
You're too busy calling me a
demented old circus monkey
behind my back!
Dad... No!
I'm glad I can be a source of
such amusement to you two.
I'll be going now.
And by the way,
I didn't invent a
new kind of pie.
It was a crumb cake!
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, wow, he's really mad at us.
There is no us.
You started this, and then
you took me down with you
with that brilliant
little reenactment.
In my defense, Carrie, it was
your choice to wear the hat.
You created an atmosphere
where it was easy to
get carried away.
Just go out there and try
to talk to him, will you?
Why don't you? I did.
Every time I do, he just covers
his ears and shuts his eyes
and walks away.
Usually right into something.
Okay, I'll go.
Dad, would you just come
inside and eat with us?
Sorry.
I prefer to eat out here
with the other demented
circus monkeys.
You're not a circus monkey, Dad.
Uh-uh.
Demented circus monkey.
Will you stop it?
We're sorry, okay?
Sure, it's easy to say you're
sorry after the insult.
Well, it's kind of hard to
do it before the insult.
Heh heh heh heh!
If you're trying to
disarm me with your wit,
I recommend you save your time.
Hey!
Party Artie!
Chef Boy-Artie!
Yeah, we're... We're in here.
All right, I got it!
You wait in the
Shea parking lot,
and after 4 and a half innings,
I come out, and then you go
in for the rest of the game.
How's that?
You won't come out.
That's true.
I apologized to
the guy 20 times.
What else can I do?
I don't know.
Why don't you take
him somewhere?
What, like...
out to the woods?
Hey, I got an idea.
We got a dish here with
about a dozen butter balls.
You eat them all
in under a minute,
and you're going to Shea.
I know what you could do.
What?
You could give him the
other Mets ticket.
This is a lot of butter,
and I think we have a deal.
Not the game. He'll
ruin it somehow.
He'll yell something
embarrassing,
and the first-base
coach will look at me.
Look, man, you hurt
the guy's feelings.
You gotta deal with
the consequences.
I guess you're right.
I guess I gotta bite the
bullet on this one.
All right, I'll bring him.
That's 12.
I win.
I get the ticket!
What?
ANNOUNCER: Now batting,
Number 61
Gilbert Showman.
Okay, Arthur, got you a program
and a pennant here
and a little bat.
It's also a pen.
Look at it! I'm a
giant baseball player
with a very normal-sized bat.
Whoa!
He lays down a bunt!
Okay, it's not landing.
Would you just take
this stuff, will you?
Thank you, no.
I accepted this ticket
because I love the Mets
and I enjoy the company
of Mister, uh...
Palmer.
Palmer.
You two I can do without.
All right, so what
do you wanna eat?
You want a hot dog, peanuts?
Nothing, thank you.
What about one of those
ice creams you like?
Cool-A-Coo? Huh?
You love Cool-A-Coos.
If I got you a cool-a-coo,
would you eat it?
I might eat it.
Then I'm gonna get
you a Cool-A-Coo
and one for my friend, uh...
I'm sorry, son.
Give it to me one more time.
Palmer.
Palmer.
ANNOUNCER: Now
batting, Number 4...
Greg Jacobs!
Oh, God.
These seats are
pretty great, huh?
Sure you don't
want that pennant?
Because I think it's,
uh, pretty sweet.
I'm sure.
Yeah! Yeah!
Mets! Yeah! God,
this thing is fun!
Yeah.
Hi. I need two
Cool-A-Coos, please
Sorry, beer only.
Okay, I'll take a beer
and two Cool-A-Coos.
Beer only.
What are you talking about?
You got Cool-A-Coos right there.
I can see them!
Beer only.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that.
Listen, I've got an old man out
there with very hurt feelings,
and he's got his heart set
on a fricking Cool-A-Coo.
Now, I'm gonna count to five,
and if a Cool-A-Coo does
not appear in my hand,
I'm gonna put you on a stick.
What does Met stand
for anyway, you know?
I mean, what's a Met?
What's the deal with that?
Come on. Give me something, huh?
It's short for "metropolitan."
Or perhaps it's short for
"hurtful son-in-law."
All right, that's it!
Come on, you know?
I said I was sorry. I didn't
even mean what I said.
I've apologized. I've shared
front row seats with you.
I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
Never got a foul ball before.
Hey, buddy! Back in your seat!
Hey!
Go, big man.
Go.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, will
you look at this?
This is terrible.
Is that Doug?
ANNOUNCER: Some moron is
running around the field,
ruining it for everyone.
Go, moose!
Hey? How you guys doing?
That's my son-in-law!
Piazza!
Driver of the month.
This is a long way to fall.
Um, excuse me, sir?
I'm sorry to bother you.
Could you just let
us go now, please?
He won't go on the field again,
and I won't spit on any
more concession people.
Sorry. Rules are rules.
Oh, come on it's not like you're
running a real jail here.
It's Mets' jail get a grip!
Piazza!
Hey, dude, you know what? We get it.
You like Piazza.
Okay, now settle down, drunky.
All right, honey, take it easy!
This man has puking
in his future.
Hey, some guy's
here to claim you.
Hey, Arthur. Hi, Dad.
Well, I can't say this
is my proudest moment.
Sorry I didn't get
you that foul ball.
No, no, Douglas, I
was very touched.
You did toss it away to save
yourself, but other than that,
it was a very nice gesture.
I almost got you your ice cream.
Well, yes, but I heard you
were in the "beer only" line.
Last time I checked,
that means "beer only."
Well, anyway, I'm sorry.
Come on. Let's get you kids
out of this hell hole.
Listen, Arthur, I'm...
I'm really sorry about that
demented monkey comment.
Aw, forget it.
To be honest, Douglas,
behind your back,
I often refer to you
as the butterball.
That's good to know, and ouch.
TV ANNOUNCER: And from
the at-least-you-know
you're-smarter
than-someone file,
here's a guy who really
wanted a foul ball
in Shea stadium today.
Look at this lunatic go.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
Yeah, why don't
you show the part
where I make a crazy
old man happy, huh?
Oh, hey, Dad.
Yeah, you're funny? Thought
that was funny, huh?
Funny funny funny!