The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 3 - Assaulted Nuts - full transcript
Doug is messing around at work with a stapler gun and accidentally gets shot in an unlikely place.
ARTHUR: Douglas!
Douglas!
Douglas!
DOUG: What?
ARTHUR: Come here.
I'm busy!
You're dizzy?
I'm busy with a "B."
Dizzy?
Yes, I'm dizzy.
Well, come down here anyway.
Hold on to the rail.
What is it?
I can't get the naked channel.
We don't get the naked channel.
Yes, we do. We were
watching it last night.
That was Nightline.
Just tell me what number
is the naked channel.
We don't get the naked channel!
Why not?
I don't know!
Doug!
DOUG: What?
Would you come here?
I need help with these boxes.
I'm in the middle of something.
CARRIE: Doug!
All right, all right.
Wow, you're making
progress in here, huh?
Yeah, I have to.
It's my only day to get it done.
Okay, all these boxes out
here can go in the garage,
and these boxes here you can
take down to the dumpster, okay?
Hello? Dumpster.
Wait! I'm not sure I want
to get rid of this stuff.
Hey, look at this, one
of my videotapes.
I want to keep this.
Okay, this is an
episode of Quincy.
Uh, excuse me. Two episodes.
Okay, fine.
Just keep it, keep all of it,
just get it out of here,
and while you're at it
could you toss out
those newspapers?
I'm gonna read those.
Okay, Doug,
All I want is a
lousy 3-by-3 space
so I could do my work in peace.
Why are you fighting me?
I'm not. I'm fine with your
whole home-office thing.
Fine.
Not clear on why we need a bank
loan to get it done, though.
Because all our cash is tied up.
Yeah, but still, a loan?
Let me tell you
something, Carrie.
I could turn this whole room
into a palace for $100 bucks.
Sorry, Doug, it's gonna cost
a lot more than $100 bucks.
Uh, how much more?
Try 40 times that.
$40,000?
Oh, wait a second, $4000?
Yes, Doug, $4000.
I need a computer,
a desk, wallpaper,
curtains, office supplies...
Office supplies? What, you
can't steal those from work?
Oy.
You know what the problem is?
I'll tell you what
the problem is.
It's that copy of
House Beautiful
that came in our
mail by mistake.
You flipped through that,
and now you got a
bee in your bonnet
about making a fancy
office for yourself.
A bee in my bonnet?
Yeah, that's a
real thing, right?
Okay, look, Doug, I have
been schlepping boxes
since 6 a.m. and I haven't
had my coffee yet.
So if you keep aggravating me,
I'm going to bite you.
Look, all I'm saying is
that if you don't...
Arthur, your toast is done.
Don't tell me!
Look, let me remind you,
when I fixed up this garage,
you know what it cost me?
Nothing. Not a dime. Bupkiss.
Uh, hi? What about that
$2800 big-screen TV?
Uh, hi, Electronics
Depot charge card.
No payments till November '99.
That's next month.
Ooh.
Look, Doug, I don't want
to argue about this.
Just be at the bank at 10:30,
we'll sign the loan papers,
and you can get on
with your life.
10:30? Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait!
What is this about 10:30?
You told me you were gonna
make the loan appointment
during my lunch break?
Well, I tried for that,
but she's going on
vacation tomorrow.
That's all she had.
I told you this last night.
When?
In the bedroom, when
you were working out,
doing those stupid
hand grippy things.
Yeah, well, obviously
I didn't hear you.
I was in a zone.
Look, there's no way I'm
gonna make it at 10:30.
I'm running late as it is.
Doug, she's leaving town tomorrow.
I need the loan today.
What do you want from me?
I can't get away.
My days are
jam-packed with work.
I saw you roll your
eyes right there.
Wasn't trying to hide it.
Nope, can't do it, sorry.
Doug, you're being so
passive-aggressive about this.
I mean, if this was
something you wanted,
you would get off work.
But you just got a
bee in your bonnet
because I want to
use a little money
to make my office look nice.
Okay, first of all, don't use
the "bee in the bonnet" thing.
That's mine.
Okay, second of all, I'd be
happy to meet you at the bank
if it's during my
lunch break, okay?
The rest of my workday, I'm busy.
You understand that?
Busy. Not passive, not
aggressive, busy.
88...
89...
90 and 91.
Oh, yeah!
Uh, sorry, Morales, but there's
a new sheriff in town,
and his name is Doug Heffernan.
Keep going, my man. Build
on it, build on it.
92, 93, 94...
All right.
Ninety f...
Oh. Guess that one didn't land.
At least you're in the
record books, my man.
Come on, let's hit the road.
Come on.
Deac?
What?
Could you please come to me?
What's up?
I'm not sure, but I think
I may have shot myself.
Really? Where?
In a very, very bad place.
Where?
Right in the twins' playpen.
Oooh!
Ow. Does it hurt?
Actually, no.
It's... it's more of a
little sting, you know.
Like a... like a rabbit bit me.
Wait a minute, may...
Maybe it's not in there.
Maybe it just grazed you.
Yeah, maybe it grazed
me, you're right, yeah.
Do me a favor, take a look.
Oh, no, no. No way, man.
Come on, would you
take a look, please?
I don't wanna look. You look.
I don't bend that far.
All right, all right.
Just look. Don't touch anything.
Yeah. Good thing you
mentioned that.
How you doing?
How about... how about
an update there, pal?
Okay, it's definitely in there.
Oh, my God! What should I do?
What do I do?!
Just relax, don't panic.
I have to panic, okay? I'm
attached to my shorts!
Look, all right, look,
we'll take care of it.
Take care of it. Get
it out of me, man.
Get it out of me! All right.
Look, look.
I'll just give your shorts one quick
yank and it'll come right out.
What are you, crazy? What?
What if the staple
didn't go in straight?
What if it's like a grabbie?
No, no, I'm pretty sure
these go in straight.
Pretty sure? You were gonna
pull on a "pretty sure"?
You said get it out.
Well, find another way!
Look, I'm gonna take you
to the emergency room,
then I'll finish your
shift, all right?
Good. Okay. Hand off me.
How's that?
Doug, your wife's on line one.
Ooh, God!
Hey.
Hey, how are you doing, sweetie?
Good. Fine. You? Good?
Good. Listen, uh, I was
thinking about it,
and, well, uh, I'm sorry about
our stupid fight this morning.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. So,
see you tonight?
I shouldn't have said
what I said, you know,
about you not working hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was just really
insensitive of me.
I know you work very,
very hard, honey.
Hard worker. Yah... yeah.
Look, Doug, I am trying
to apologize to you.
The least you could do
is say you're sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Okay, stop.
The other reason why I called is
I talked to the
lady at the bank,
I begged her, and she agreed
to me us at your lunch hour.
So, I'll see you at the
bank at 1:30, okay?
Any chance you could
miss, like, one pothole?
This is the quickest
way to the hospital.
So, why didn't you just
tell Carrie what happened?
Because we got in a
fight this morning,
and I made a huge deal about
how busy I am at work.
How could I possibly
explain this?
Just tell her it happened
while you were working.
While I was working?
The staple came in
from behind me.
Then tell her I did it.
You?
Yeah, you were bending
over, and I noticed,
and I came up behind you
with a staple gun...
All right, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
This sounds worse than
what really happened.
Look, there's no reason she has
to know anything, all right?
It's still only 11:00. I
could get this thing removed
and get to the bank by 1:30.
No one has to know
the difference.
Won't she eventually
look in that area?
Believe me, not if I don't ask.
Uh-oh. Speed bump.
Here we go. All filled out.
I will be, uh, right over there
when you're ready for me. Okay?
Qaddafi! Ow...
Sir? Hm?
You forgot to write down
what you're here for.
Oh, did I? Ha!
Yes.
Forgot to write it down.
That's...
that's wild, isn't it?
What are you here for?
Uh... just a second, okay?
Yuspa!
Oh, yeah! Unh!
Okay. I, uh...
You know what? Let me just
draw you a picture here.
This will...
Explain everything. That'll tell
the story right there, okay?
Ha ha!
Are these what I think they are?
Ahem. Yes. Yes. Yes.
That's the whole
area right there.
Of course that's
not actual size.
Actually, right now,
it probably is,
because I'm a little nervous.
Is the doctor gonna see me soon?
What's this line?
That's a staple. A staple.
Yeah, a staple. That's one
staple right there. A staple.
How's that doctor thing looking?
In a few minutes.
I'll just have to see
your insurance card.
Oh.
Arthur, it's me Doug.
Your son-in-law.
Douglas? Yes.
Doug is short for Douglas.
Well, now you know.
Listen, I need you
to do me a favor.
I need you to get me
Carrie's insurance card
and bring it to me at
Flushing Meadow Hospital.
I'll tell you later.
Just make sure she doesn't find
out you're meeting me here.
Okay? Thanks.
I love you too.
Okay...
What's the story?
Story? No story.
I was just standing
here casually
scratching my head.
You were rifling
through my purse.
Uh-huh. That's only
because I was...
stealing money.
Okay.
Why?
I'm gonna level with you, honey.
I have a gambling problem.
My bookmaker Jimmy Marbles
is gonna break my kneecaps
if I don't come up
with the scratch!
Dad, if you keep saying
things like this,
how will I know when
you're going senile?
Uh-huh.
Truth is, I was just
looking for a Tic Tac
and here we go!
Birth control pills, dad.
Why do you need birth
control pills?
Does he touch you?!
Oh, God, Arthur, where you been?
Sorry. I thought you said
Flushing Meadow Park.
Then I got caught up in
a girls' soccer game.
Here you go.
Thanks. Aah...
So, uh...
What are you here for?
Uh, nothing. Just, uh...
Nothing.
Come on. What is it?
Eczema? Pinkeye?
No, Arthur.
Having something, uh...
"enhanced"?
Again, no.
Then what?
I just had a little
accident at work.
I, uh... shot myself
with a staple gun.
Where?
In, uh...
Really?
Let's have a look.
No, Arthur...
I don't see it.
Arthur, come on,
man, let's go, okay?
Straddle me so I can
get a better angle.
Get up... Oh, there it is!
Right in the tool bag!
Whoa!
Would you stop and settle down?
Come on. This is hard
enough for me as it is.
I know what you're going
through, Douglas. I've...
been down this road myself.
You have?
Sure. Staples, rivets...
knitting needles...
my advice is just leave it in.
Leave it in? I'm attached
to my IPS shorts.
Not a problem. Just make sure
you don't lose your job.
Yeah. Uh, insurance card.
How much longer?
Uh, the doctor is just finishing up.
You're next.
Oh, great.
If you just follow me to
the examining area...
Bus crash!
Ten critical, three serious!
Triage setup outside!
Uh... this is a first-come
first-served dealie, right?
Arthur, look, do me a favor.
Hold my place in
line, would you?
Oww... aah, baby steps...
baby steps...
Hey.
Hey! There you are. Yeah.
Hey, how you doing there?
Good to see you.
What's that about?
Hmm?
What, no hug?
Honey, we are in a bank. It's...
unless we're trying to borrow
money for a porno film,
I think we ought to pull in
the reins a little, huh?
Okay, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, you're acting weird again,
just like you were on the phone.
If you're still mad at me,
why don't you just say so?
I am not mad.
You are so. I can tell.
I am not! Let's just
sign the stupid papers
and get out of here, okay?
"Stupid papers."
Okay, fine.
Whatever.
Mr. And Mrs. Hefferman?
Actually, it's Heffer-nin.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
Right this way, Mr. and Mrs.
Heffer-nin.
Well, you don't actually
have to punch the "nin."
I was just saying that
for your benefit.
Please come in.
Honey, look at you.
You're a mess.
Would you fix your collar?
And pull up your pants.
Now, there are three
different payment options,
each with its own distinct
advantages and disadvantages.
Would you like me to
review them for you?
No. Whichever one
you like is fine.
Uh, honey, I would
like to hear them.
Fine.
Well, option one
is just your straightforward
fixed monthly payment.
It's not one of your
more exciting choices,
but at least you know what
you're getting hit with
at the end of the month.
Now, option two is called
the floating payment plan.
In this plan, your payments vary
based upon fluctuations in
the prime rate of interest.
Some months, your
payments will be lower,
other months, you'll have
a sharp metal object
in your testicles.
Now, for example, if in January,
the prime rate goes to, say, 8%,
what you'll end up with
is a common office supply
violating the very
essence of your manhood.
Pulling,
grabbing,
pinching,
swelling,
tugging.
Throbbing pain so intense
you'll pray for the
sweet release of death.
And those are your
three basic options.
Any questions?
Excuse me just a moment.
Ahem! Rhonda Phillips.
So, honey, which option do
you think we should go with?
Whichever one is the quickest.
For God's sake, can you
just give me your opinion?
I can't believe what a baby
you're being about this!
And why are you
sweating so much?
Look, there's something I...
should probably tell you.
What?
Come here.
You stapled yourself
in the mall?
Really?
Can I look?
Yeah.
Okay.
Whoa!
What happened?
We were fooling around at work.
I was shooting staples
into a tin can.
And then I caught
my undercarriage.
Well, what are you doing here?
We should be at the hospital.
Let's go.
No. Look, this morning I
was being really stupid.
And selfish and...
I'm really sorry.
All right?
I want you to have your office,
just the way you want it.
I want it too, but I
also want to have kids.
Now come on.
No. Look, we're already here,
I can get through this.
All right? I want to do
this for you, Carrie.
Let's just make it quick.
Anyway, I'm sorry about that.
But back to business.
You folks decided?
Yeah. We're gonna go
with the third one.
The balloon payment one.
The balloon one, yeah.
Okay. You're sure?
Yeah. We're sure.
We like balloons.
Pretty.
Okay, fair enough.
Option... three...
balloon... pay...
Please... use mine.
Thank you.
Payment.
Okay, let me just get these
forms here together for you.
All right, here we
have your k-19.
Hello.
And we have your disclosure.
Your tax status report.
Rate schedule.
For God's sake, get a paperclip.
Oh...
I'm right here with you, baby.
Just breathe.
You're doing great.
We're almost there.
Hang on. Hang on, baby.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
DOCTOR: It's just about out.
Okay, here we go.
It's coming.
It's... out!
Oh... oh...
DOCTOR: And everything's fine.
I love you.
I love you too.
MAN: Spooner.
Spooner!
ARTHUR: Yeah?
MAN: Don't carry that
rivet gun in your pocket.
ARTHUR: Don't tell me.
ARTHUR: Ohhh!
A little help over here.
Douglas!
Douglas!
DOUG: What?
ARTHUR: Come here.
I'm busy!
You're dizzy?
I'm busy with a "B."
Dizzy?
Yes, I'm dizzy.
Well, come down here anyway.
Hold on to the rail.
What is it?
I can't get the naked channel.
We don't get the naked channel.
Yes, we do. We were
watching it last night.
That was Nightline.
Just tell me what number
is the naked channel.
We don't get the naked channel!
Why not?
I don't know!
Doug!
DOUG: What?
Would you come here?
I need help with these boxes.
I'm in the middle of something.
CARRIE: Doug!
All right, all right.
Wow, you're making
progress in here, huh?
Yeah, I have to.
It's my only day to get it done.
Okay, all these boxes out
here can go in the garage,
and these boxes here you can
take down to the dumpster, okay?
Hello? Dumpster.
Wait! I'm not sure I want
to get rid of this stuff.
Hey, look at this, one
of my videotapes.
I want to keep this.
Okay, this is an
episode of Quincy.
Uh, excuse me. Two episodes.
Okay, fine.
Just keep it, keep all of it,
just get it out of here,
and while you're at it
could you toss out
those newspapers?
I'm gonna read those.
Okay, Doug,
All I want is a
lousy 3-by-3 space
so I could do my work in peace.
Why are you fighting me?
I'm not. I'm fine with your
whole home-office thing.
Fine.
Not clear on why we need a bank
loan to get it done, though.
Because all our cash is tied up.
Yeah, but still, a loan?
Let me tell you
something, Carrie.
I could turn this whole room
into a palace for $100 bucks.
Sorry, Doug, it's gonna cost
a lot more than $100 bucks.
Uh, how much more?
Try 40 times that.
$40,000?
Oh, wait a second, $4000?
Yes, Doug, $4000.
I need a computer,
a desk, wallpaper,
curtains, office supplies...
Office supplies? What, you
can't steal those from work?
Oy.
You know what the problem is?
I'll tell you what
the problem is.
It's that copy of
House Beautiful
that came in our
mail by mistake.
You flipped through that,
and now you got a
bee in your bonnet
about making a fancy
office for yourself.
A bee in my bonnet?
Yeah, that's a
real thing, right?
Okay, look, Doug, I have
been schlepping boxes
since 6 a.m. and I haven't
had my coffee yet.
So if you keep aggravating me,
I'm going to bite you.
Look, all I'm saying is
that if you don't...
Arthur, your toast is done.
Don't tell me!
Look, let me remind you,
when I fixed up this garage,
you know what it cost me?
Nothing. Not a dime. Bupkiss.
Uh, hi? What about that
$2800 big-screen TV?
Uh, hi, Electronics
Depot charge card.
No payments till November '99.
That's next month.
Ooh.
Look, Doug, I don't want
to argue about this.
Just be at the bank at 10:30,
we'll sign the loan papers,
and you can get on
with your life.
10:30? Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait!
What is this about 10:30?
You told me you were gonna
make the loan appointment
during my lunch break?
Well, I tried for that,
but she's going on
vacation tomorrow.
That's all she had.
I told you this last night.
When?
In the bedroom, when
you were working out,
doing those stupid
hand grippy things.
Yeah, well, obviously
I didn't hear you.
I was in a zone.
Look, there's no way I'm
gonna make it at 10:30.
I'm running late as it is.
Doug, she's leaving town tomorrow.
I need the loan today.
What do you want from me?
I can't get away.
My days are
jam-packed with work.
I saw you roll your
eyes right there.
Wasn't trying to hide it.
Nope, can't do it, sorry.
Doug, you're being so
passive-aggressive about this.
I mean, if this was
something you wanted,
you would get off work.
But you just got a
bee in your bonnet
because I want to
use a little money
to make my office look nice.
Okay, first of all, don't use
the "bee in the bonnet" thing.
That's mine.
Okay, second of all, I'd be
happy to meet you at the bank
if it's during my
lunch break, okay?
The rest of my workday, I'm busy.
You understand that?
Busy. Not passive, not
aggressive, busy.
88...
89...
90 and 91.
Oh, yeah!
Uh, sorry, Morales, but there's
a new sheriff in town,
and his name is Doug Heffernan.
Keep going, my man. Build
on it, build on it.
92, 93, 94...
All right.
Ninety f...
Oh. Guess that one didn't land.
At least you're in the
record books, my man.
Come on, let's hit the road.
Come on.
Deac?
What?
Could you please come to me?
What's up?
I'm not sure, but I think
I may have shot myself.
Really? Where?
In a very, very bad place.
Where?
Right in the twins' playpen.
Oooh!
Ow. Does it hurt?
Actually, no.
It's... it's more of a
little sting, you know.
Like a... like a rabbit bit me.
Wait a minute, may...
Maybe it's not in there.
Maybe it just grazed you.
Yeah, maybe it grazed
me, you're right, yeah.
Do me a favor, take a look.
Oh, no, no. No way, man.
Come on, would you
take a look, please?
I don't wanna look. You look.
I don't bend that far.
All right, all right.
Just look. Don't touch anything.
Yeah. Good thing you
mentioned that.
How you doing?
How about... how about
an update there, pal?
Okay, it's definitely in there.
Oh, my God! What should I do?
What do I do?!
Just relax, don't panic.
I have to panic, okay? I'm
attached to my shorts!
Look, all right, look,
we'll take care of it.
Take care of it. Get
it out of me, man.
Get it out of me! All right.
Look, look.
I'll just give your shorts one quick
yank and it'll come right out.
What are you, crazy? What?
What if the staple
didn't go in straight?
What if it's like a grabbie?
No, no, I'm pretty sure
these go in straight.
Pretty sure? You were gonna
pull on a "pretty sure"?
You said get it out.
Well, find another way!
Look, I'm gonna take you
to the emergency room,
then I'll finish your
shift, all right?
Good. Okay. Hand off me.
How's that?
Doug, your wife's on line one.
Ooh, God!
Hey.
Hey, how are you doing, sweetie?
Good. Fine. You? Good?
Good. Listen, uh, I was
thinking about it,
and, well, uh, I'm sorry about
our stupid fight this morning.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. So,
see you tonight?
I shouldn't have said
what I said, you know,
about you not working hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was just really
insensitive of me.
I know you work very,
very hard, honey.
Hard worker. Yah... yeah.
Look, Doug, I am trying
to apologize to you.
The least you could do
is say you're sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Okay, stop.
The other reason why I called is
I talked to the
lady at the bank,
I begged her, and she agreed
to me us at your lunch hour.
So, I'll see you at the
bank at 1:30, okay?
Any chance you could
miss, like, one pothole?
This is the quickest
way to the hospital.
So, why didn't you just
tell Carrie what happened?
Because we got in a
fight this morning,
and I made a huge deal about
how busy I am at work.
How could I possibly
explain this?
Just tell her it happened
while you were working.
While I was working?
The staple came in
from behind me.
Then tell her I did it.
You?
Yeah, you were bending
over, and I noticed,
and I came up behind you
with a staple gun...
All right, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
This sounds worse than
what really happened.
Look, there's no reason she has
to know anything, all right?
It's still only 11:00. I
could get this thing removed
and get to the bank by 1:30.
No one has to know
the difference.
Won't she eventually
look in that area?
Believe me, not if I don't ask.
Uh-oh. Speed bump.
Here we go. All filled out.
I will be, uh, right over there
when you're ready for me. Okay?
Qaddafi! Ow...
Sir? Hm?
You forgot to write down
what you're here for.
Oh, did I? Ha!
Yes.
Forgot to write it down.
That's...
that's wild, isn't it?
What are you here for?
Uh... just a second, okay?
Yuspa!
Oh, yeah! Unh!
Okay. I, uh...
You know what? Let me just
draw you a picture here.
This will...
Explain everything. That'll tell
the story right there, okay?
Ha ha!
Are these what I think they are?
Ahem. Yes. Yes. Yes.
That's the whole
area right there.
Of course that's
not actual size.
Actually, right now,
it probably is,
because I'm a little nervous.
Is the doctor gonna see me soon?
What's this line?
That's a staple. A staple.
Yeah, a staple. That's one
staple right there. A staple.
How's that doctor thing looking?
In a few minutes.
I'll just have to see
your insurance card.
Oh.
Arthur, it's me Doug.
Your son-in-law.
Douglas? Yes.
Doug is short for Douglas.
Well, now you know.
Listen, I need you
to do me a favor.
I need you to get me
Carrie's insurance card
and bring it to me at
Flushing Meadow Hospital.
I'll tell you later.
Just make sure she doesn't find
out you're meeting me here.
Okay? Thanks.
I love you too.
Okay...
What's the story?
Story? No story.
I was just standing
here casually
scratching my head.
You were rifling
through my purse.
Uh-huh. That's only
because I was...
stealing money.
Okay.
Why?
I'm gonna level with you, honey.
I have a gambling problem.
My bookmaker Jimmy Marbles
is gonna break my kneecaps
if I don't come up
with the scratch!
Dad, if you keep saying
things like this,
how will I know when
you're going senile?
Uh-huh.
Truth is, I was just
looking for a Tic Tac
and here we go!
Birth control pills, dad.
Why do you need birth
control pills?
Does he touch you?!
Oh, God, Arthur, where you been?
Sorry. I thought you said
Flushing Meadow Park.
Then I got caught up in
a girls' soccer game.
Here you go.
Thanks. Aah...
So, uh...
What are you here for?
Uh, nothing. Just, uh...
Nothing.
Come on. What is it?
Eczema? Pinkeye?
No, Arthur.
Having something, uh...
"enhanced"?
Again, no.
Then what?
I just had a little
accident at work.
I, uh... shot myself
with a staple gun.
Where?
In, uh...
Really?
Let's have a look.
No, Arthur...
I don't see it.
Arthur, come on,
man, let's go, okay?
Straddle me so I can
get a better angle.
Get up... Oh, there it is!
Right in the tool bag!
Whoa!
Would you stop and settle down?
Come on. This is hard
enough for me as it is.
I know what you're going
through, Douglas. I've...
been down this road myself.
You have?
Sure. Staples, rivets...
knitting needles...
my advice is just leave it in.
Leave it in? I'm attached
to my IPS shorts.
Not a problem. Just make sure
you don't lose your job.
Yeah. Uh, insurance card.
How much longer?
Uh, the doctor is just finishing up.
You're next.
Oh, great.
If you just follow me to
the examining area...
Bus crash!
Ten critical, three serious!
Triage setup outside!
Uh... this is a first-come
first-served dealie, right?
Arthur, look, do me a favor.
Hold my place in
line, would you?
Oww... aah, baby steps...
baby steps...
Hey.
Hey! There you are. Yeah.
Hey, how you doing there?
Good to see you.
What's that about?
Hmm?
What, no hug?
Honey, we are in a bank. It's...
unless we're trying to borrow
money for a porno film,
I think we ought to pull in
the reins a little, huh?
Okay, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, you're acting weird again,
just like you were on the phone.
If you're still mad at me,
why don't you just say so?
I am not mad.
You are so. I can tell.
I am not! Let's just
sign the stupid papers
and get out of here, okay?
"Stupid papers."
Okay, fine.
Whatever.
Mr. And Mrs. Hefferman?
Actually, it's Heffer-nin.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
Right this way, Mr. and Mrs.
Heffer-nin.
Well, you don't actually
have to punch the "nin."
I was just saying that
for your benefit.
Please come in.
Honey, look at you.
You're a mess.
Would you fix your collar?
And pull up your pants.
Now, there are three
different payment options,
each with its own distinct
advantages and disadvantages.
Would you like me to
review them for you?
No. Whichever one
you like is fine.
Uh, honey, I would
like to hear them.
Fine.
Well, option one
is just your straightforward
fixed monthly payment.
It's not one of your
more exciting choices,
but at least you know what
you're getting hit with
at the end of the month.
Now, option two is called
the floating payment plan.
In this plan, your payments vary
based upon fluctuations in
the prime rate of interest.
Some months, your
payments will be lower,
other months, you'll have
a sharp metal object
in your testicles.
Now, for example, if in January,
the prime rate goes to, say, 8%,
what you'll end up with
is a common office supply
violating the very
essence of your manhood.
Pulling,
grabbing,
pinching,
swelling,
tugging.
Throbbing pain so intense
you'll pray for the
sweet release of death.
And those are your
three basic options.
Any questions?
Excuse me just a moment.
Ahem! Rhonda Phillips.
So, honey, which option do
you think we should go with?
Whichever one is the quickest.
For God's sake, can you
just give me your opinion?
I can't believe what a baby
you're being about this!
And why are you
sweating so much?
Look, there's something I...
should probably tell you.
What?
Come here.
You stapled yourself
in the mall?
Really?
Can I look?
Yeah.
Okay.
Whoa!
What happened?
We were fooling around at work.
I was shooting staples
into a tin can.
And then I caught
my undercarriage.
Well, what are you doing here?
We should be at the hospital.
Let's go.
No. Look, this morning I
was being really stupid.
And selfish and...
I'm really sorry.
All right?
I want you to have your office,
just the way you want it.
I want it too, but I
also want to have kids.
Now come on.
No. Look, we're already here,
I can get through this.
All right? I want to do
this for you, Carrie.
Let's just make it quick.
Anyway, I'm sorry about that.
But back to business.
You folks decided?
Yeah. We're gonna go
with the third one.
The balloon payment one.
The balloon one, yeah.
Okay. You're sure?
Yeah. We're sure.
We like balloons.
Pretty.
Okay, fair enough.
Option... three...
balloon... pay...
Please... use mine.
Thank you.
Payment.
Okay, let me just get these
forms here together for you.
All right, here we
have your k-19.
Hello.
And we have your disclosure.
Your tax status report.
Rate schedule.
For God's sake, get a paperclip.
Oh...
I'm right here with you, baby.
Just breathe.
You're doing great.
We're almost there.
Hang on. Hang on, baby.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
DOCTOR: It's just about out.
Okay, here we go.
It's coming.
It's... out!
Oh... oh...
DOCTOR: And everything's fine.
I love you.
I love you too.
MAN: Spooner.
Spooner!
ARTHUR: Yeah?
MAN: Don't carry that
rivet gun in your pocket.
ARTHUR: Don't tell me.
ARTHUR: Ohhh!
A little help over here.