The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 4 - Parent Trapped - full transcript

Hey, it's almost 11.
You ready to go?

Shh.

Doug, you've seen this a hundred times.
We're late.

Shha-shha-shha.

Hey, the tortoise
beat Bugs Bunny.

Who'd-a thunk it?

Hey, it's not about who wins.
It's the journey.

Hey, is this for me?

Okay, we're on our way

to see Deacon and
Kelly's new baby,

and the paper says
"baby" all over it,



but, yes, it's for you.

Do you have to build yourself
up by tearing me down?

Yes, now let's go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what
about for Kirby? Huh?

Aren't you supposed to get
something for the other kid

when the new kid is born

so he doesn't get jealous

and poke the baby
in the soft spot?

You're right. Shoot.

You know what? We don't
have time to stop.

Maybe I could find him something

in our stash of crappy
gifts people gave us.

This opens up? Wow.

Okay, let me see
what we got here



for the little fellow.

Bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream.
That's wrong.

Flavored body oils, wronger.

Whoa, here we go.
Beaded car seat.

It's got beads.
Kids love to sit.

Okay, I'll take it
from here, butch.

Well, time for work. The
pretzel store awaits.

Off to the salt mines, huh?

I don't follow.

It's just an expression,

plus you work in
a pretzel store.

Pretzels have salt.

Well, that's 10
seconds of my life

I'm never getting back.

Hey, uh, Dad, what's
with the briefcase?

Oh, just picked up a few things

at the five and dime

to make my workspace
more enjoyable.

I got this Garfield paperweight,

some fake doggie poop,

and this novelty troll
statue with purple hair.

Oh, Dad, that's great. I'll
give you 5 bucks for this.

50.

You want 50 bucks for this?

You seem very eager.

Okay, this is a troll,
and I am your daughter.

I know the difference.

Five bucks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

How much for the, uh, poop?

Not for sale.

He's just so little.

Although he probably
felt like a holiday ham

when you had to
squeeze him out, huh?

Girl, you know, I was numb
from the eyebrows down.

So, uh, Major, huh?

Yep. That was my grandfather's name too.
Major Palmer.

I like it. You know,
it's very dignified,

like Colonel Sanders
or Captain Crunch.

It's my kid.

Sorry.

Deacon, honey, can you
bring me a cloth diaper?

You got it.

Here you go.

Thanks, baby.

Ho! Feeding time.

What's the matter, Doug?

What... what... Nothing.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doug, is this
making you uncomfortable?

Is what making me uncomfortable?
Because I'm comfortable.

Because I could feed
him in the other room.

Oh, that? Are you kidding me?
That's natural, you know.

In fact,

hey, Major, save some for me.

You can relax, Doug,
he's not even hungry.

Hey, listen, we wanted to talk
to you guys about something.

Sure. What's up?

Well, Major's christening
is coming up,

and part of that whole thing

is that we have to pick
godparents for him.

And we've been going crazy this
week trying to figure out,

you know, should they
be relatives, friends,

older, younger, I mean,
should they be black,

should they have
kids of their own,

you know, all that
kind of stuff.

Anyway...

We picked you guys.

Us? Really?

Wow, that's... Wow.

We are so touched.

It's a symbolic thing,
mostly, you know,

being at all the
special occasions,

that kind of stuff.

Uh-huh.

Well, and there's
one other thing.

What?

Well, you know,

if anything happens
to me and Deacon,

you'd sort of step in
and raise the boys.

Oh. Uh-huh.

So you want to think about
it for a while, or...

What are you, are
you kidding me?

Sign us up!

Yeah?

Yeah, man, we are in.

In like Flynn, or
Flynt, whichever.

Right, hon? Come on.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.

That's great.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank us? Thank you!
Get in here. Gosh!

Okay, yeah, I'll be
there in the morning.

Hey, Kenny, I've got a
problem with my other store.

Can you run the show here
for a couple of days?

Uh, I don't think so.

I've got band practice
all this week, you know,

and they said if
we're really good,

there's a chance we...

Great story. Thanks.

Rita, think you could run
the place for a few days?

Yes?

Yes?

No.

No.

Never mind.

Arthur?

Yes, sir?

All right, Arthur, at ease.

Look, I'm gonna be
out for a few days.

I'm gonna put you in
charge, all right?

Really? Well, thank you, sir.

I appreciate the
vote of confidence.

I assure you I'll rise
to the challenge.

Yeah, all right, whatever.

Just make sure

you keep everything
running normally.

Hold on.

Everything... running...
What was it?

Normally.

Normally. Got it.

Look, I'm sorry, Carrie.

I didn't know what
you want me to say.

I just don't understand

why you were so
quick to say yes.

I don't know. I guess I was just
honored that they asked us.

It seemed like a
nice compliment.

Compliment?

When someone says
"You have nice eyes,"

that's a compliment.

When they say, "Will
you raise our kids

if we're ever squashed?"

That's something to think
about for five minutes.

Is this tuna fish or cake?

Doug, can you focus, please?

What? I'm focused.

Okay, what if, God forbid,

something did happen
to Deacon and Kelly?

Are you really ready
to raise two kids?

Nothing's gonna happen to them.

What if, God forbid,
something did?

Nothing will.

No, no?

You want to tell the kids
on Party of Five that? Hmm?

Touché. Okay.

All right, well, you
know, if, God forbid,

something happened to them,

I guess we'd just
have to deal with it.

Well, that's a lot to deal with.
I know, but if, God forbid...

All right, you know what?

Let's ease up on
the God forbids.

Second of all,

I gotta tell you, I
don't know if I'm ready

to raise somebody
else's children.

You're ready.

No, Doug,

having kids of our
own is scary to me.

I mean, if we have two kids,

and then we get their
two kids, that's four.

Four human beings

whose futures are in
our hands all at once.

That's a massive responsibility.

Plus all the noise.

Look, I'll tell you what.

If something happens
to Deacon and Kelly,

I'll take full responsibility
for the kids, okay?

I'll feed them, I'll bathe
them, everything. All me.

Like the dog?

All right, yeah.
It's not gonna work.

All right, well, I
don't know what to do,

because we already said yes.

No, you said yes.

"In like Flynn, in like Flynt."

All right, you see,

you really wouldn't be
good with children.

You're mean.

All right, so what are
we gonna do here?

Well, if it was up to me,

I'd go through with
it, all right?

But look, if you don't want
to, we just have to...

go back over there
tomorrow and tell them.

Oy, that's gonna be a fun night.

Hey, remember that thing
about raising your kids

if they're ever
orphaned and helpless?

Well, gotta give
you a big fat no.

Bye-bye!

It's meatloaf.

Hey!

Hey. Hi. What's up?

Hey, Major, look who's here.

It's your godparents.

That's okay. Just call
us Doug and Carrie.

So what's going on? What
are you guys doing here?

Oh, we're just coming
back from a thing.

Just thought we'd
stop by and say hi.

Oh, great.

Yeah, but we can't stay long,

because we got another
thing right after that.

Yeah, it's just one
thing after another.

Hey, as long as the baby's
up, let's grab a picture.

Oh! Great idea.

No, because my hair's...

Kirby, Doug and Carrie are here.

Yay!

Yeah! Yay! Yeah.

Everybody say "godparents."

BOTH: Godparents.

Oh, that's great. We'll
make you a copy.

You guys want an 8 x 10?

Uh, no, no, that's way too big.

Yeah, yeah, a small
one, small one.

So as long as we're here, um,

we kind of need to
talk to you guys

about something.

Sure. What's up? Yeah,
what's going on?

Well, we were just at home

and we were... We're
talking about it,

and we were just
kind of thinking...

Uh, thinking that, uh...

Well, first of all,
right off the bat,

let me just tell you something.

We love your kids. Love them.

Love them. I mean, this
one here, he's a champ,

and Major, even though we
don't know him too well yet,

uh, gives off a good vibe.

Yeah.

Yeah, good... Good vibe. Plus...

Yeah, because you could feel it.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's already got a
nice head of hair too.

Beautiful. Very natural.

Thanks.

The thing is that, uh,

we kind of got our hands
full, what with Arthur...

Oh, he is a full-time
job, that one.

Yeah.

Plus we may have kids
of our own soon.

Yes, yes, we may.

You know, this one
is such a dingbat

about taking her
pill, I'll tell you.

So, uh, what are you saying?

Um, I guess what we're
saying is that...

Hey, Regis Philbin! This
guy's on fire, huh?

So you don't want to
be the godparents?

Look, Kel, I'm sorry,

but you know how we
feel about you guys.

You know, if something
were to happen,

it would just be way
too much for us.

Okay. I mean, I understand.

I-it's just, you know,

you seemed so enthusiastic
the other night.

Hey, I had a whole sleeve of Oreos.
I was flying.

Sorry, Deac.

Hey, you know, it's cool.

I mean, I guess it was
kind of a heavy thing

to put on you guys.

Seriously, guys,
it's really okay.

Well, good.

Good.

Hey, here you go. There you go.

Here you go, fellow,
my newest innovation:

the frequent buyer card.

You buy 10 pretzels,
you get one free.

Nine X's to go.

Um, Arthur, I've been
meaning to tell you,

don't you think
you should punch,

like, a pretzel-shaped
hole or something

when they buy a pretzel

instead of just making
an X with a pen?

Because, you know, people
have their own pens.

I don't think I like nor
do I completely understand

what you're getting at.

But I know a mutiny
when I see one.

No, no, I'm just saying that...

Save your speech for
the unemployment line!

You're through here!
Now, beat it.

All right.

Rita, you saw that.
He lunged at me.

And I may need you to sign
an affidavit to that effect.

CUSTOMER: Excuse me.

Yes? May I help you?

Free pretzel, please.

10 X's already?

Wow, that was fast.

So how are they running
this christening?

You think they'll be
some food beforehand?

Because if there isn't,

there's a Nathan's coming
up on Union Turnpike.

You think our gift
is good enough?

I mean, I know we
got a $200 bond,

but everybody knows
you pay 100 for it.

It's not like we're
fooling anyone.

So what do you say, a couple of franks?
I'm buying.

It's 9 a.m.

Hey, they are open, all right?

It's not like I'm a
freak or anything.

Okay, do what you want.

So, did, um... Did
Deacon mention

who they picked as the
new godparents yet?

Yep. Bill and Robin Gilliard.

The insurance guy and his wife?

Right.

Huh. Interesting.

They're nice.

They're very nice.

Wouldn't be my first choice.

Wasn't theirs, either.

Yeah.

How can a hot dog place
be out of sauerkraut?

It's what they do.

Let it go, babe.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Deac. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

Fine, thank you.

You know Bill and
Robin Gilliard.

Sure. We met at Kirby's
birthday party

last year.

You were the guy who
broke the piñata, right?

The kids got three swings each.

Someone had to step in
and make it happen, huh?

Uh, Deacon, your aunt
is signing her name

to other people's gifts again.

Well, excuse us.

So you're gonna be godparents?

Good for you.

Thank you.

Gotta tell you, I give
you a lot of credit.

A lot of credit.

If it was me, I
would be petrified

at the thought of raising
somebody else's kids.

But you probably love
children, right?

To tell you the truth,

I've never really been
that much of a kid person.

No kidding? Huh.

So, taping the Nebraska game,

so if you hear anything,
don't say a word.

Not to worry.

But I'm taping Charles Osgood,

so if you hear anything,
don't say a word.

So you don't, uh,

you don't watch much
college football, huh?

No, not really. Pros?

Well, I was invited
to a Super Bowl party

a few years ago.

That was a lot of fun.

Hey, how about last
year's Super Bowl?

Elway. Wow, huh?

John Elway?

Sorry, I don't know who that is.

Wha...?

So, if something were
to happen, God forbid,

you probably got a
pretty big house, right?

Mm, just an apartment.

Three bedrooms, four bedrooms?
Come on, what do you got?

Two.

Hmm.

Mets?

Well, I find baseball
a little boring.

How about basketball?

A bunch of pituitary cases

trying to stuff a
ball through a hoop?

No, thank you.

Golf? Rugby? Come on,
Bill, give me something.

Well, I like to watch swimming.

So, come on, I mean,
you don't like kids,

you have a small
apartment, uh, what's up?

Nothing's up.

Well, why did you say yes?
W-w-what's your angle?

We have no angle.

We're just doing what
any decent people

would do for their friends.

Oh. Right.

Who's next?

Uh, hey, free pretzel
with honey mustard dip.

You were just here, weren't you?

Me? Uh, no.

Yes, you were. You
know, I'm wise to you.

I'm wise to all of you.

Marking the X's on the cards
yourselves, very clever.

ALL: Thank you.

Well, let me tell
you all something.

I may not be hip or
with it like you kids.

I may not listen
to your Tom Jones

or your Dave Clark Five.

But at least I know

when I put my head on
my pillow tonight,

I'll sleep soundly,
and you know why?

It's because I'll
know that you kids

have been dunking
your stolen pretzels

in my "very special"
dipping sauces.

Oh, yeah.

Lord God, in baptism,
we die with Christ

to rise again in him.

We are horrible,
horrible people.

They really ought to
have backup sauerkraut.

Doug.

What?

The Gilliards are no
better prepared for this

than we are,

and yet they didn't
even hesitate

to open up their
life for these kids.

Why didn't we open up our life?

Hey, I wanted to
open up our life.

You wanted to keep
our life closed.

You know what? Let's
just do this.

What?

I changed my mind.

I want us to be
Major's godparents.

Go tell Deacon.

What? No, Carrie, I can't.

The whole thing's
already happening.

He's right there.
Just go tell him.

Carrie, it's too late.

It's not too late.

They didn't even
dunk the kid yet.

Even so, all right, I
can't go up there.

Doug, if we don't do this,

we will feel guilty for
the rest of our lives.

I mean, we're their
best friends.

We should be the godparents.

Well, I was a little
rattled when Bill told me

he didn't know who
John Elway was.

Huh? Huh? And you want that
freak raising our kids?

Doug, go tell him.

Go! They're next.

Okay, okay!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Oh! Sorry about that.

Hey, Deac.

Hey, Deac.

I need to talk to you.

What is it?

Look, we changed our minds.

We want to take your
children when you die.

God forbid.

What are you talking about?

We already started here.

I know. We made a mistake.
We want to do it.

Just sit down.

Bill doesn't know who Elway is.

Sit down!

What? Oh, for God's sake.

Excuse me.

Pardon me. Ooh, nice hat.

What happened?

He said it was too late.

It's not too late. Watch out.

Hey!

Hey!

What?

We want to be the
godparents again.

Carrie, this is not a good time.

I know, but, Kel, look,
you said it yourselves,

we're the best
people for the job.

And you know what?
You're not invincible.

Something could happen.

G-God... God forbid.

I've never been that excited
about the Gilliards.

You haven't? No.

Well, then, why did
you agree to them?

I thought you were
crazy about them.

Oh, they're okay.

Well, tell them they're out and
that Doug and Carrie are in.

Get out of here! You tell them.

She's your friend. I really
just know them through you.

Okay, you want me to tell them?

Yeah, yeah, go. Deacon!

All right, I'll go.

Kelly, I want you to know,

we'll raise the kids
as Jets or Giant fans,

whichever you want.

That is comforting.

Bill, give me the baby.

So godparents, huh?

Yeah! Yeah, boy.

That reverend was pretty cool

about us pulling the
old switcheroo, huh?

Yeah, he rolled with it.

Hey, you remember that song
"Reverend Blue Jeans"?

What?

Neil Diamond. Hmm?

It's not Reverend Blue Jeans.

It's "Forever in blue jeans."

No, it's "Reverend Blue Jeans."

It was about a hip reverend.
He wore jeans.

♪ Reverend Blue Jeans ♪

No.

♪ Forever in blue jeans, babe ♪

How did I miss that?