The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - Female Problems - full transcript

Come on, Stan. That's
enough sniffing.

How about some action?

Doug. Fine-looking lady, 12:00.

Look at the walking
sticks on her.

She's the A train,

and it's a lucky man
who's holding the token.

All aboard!

You know what I'm sayin', huh?

Yeah, she's, uh...
she's pretty cute.

What did you say?

I'm agreeing with you.
She's cute.



You're putting me

in a very uncomfortable
position here, Douglas.

What?

You're married to my daughter,

and you're ogling another
woman right in front of me?

How dare you?

I'm just trying to walk my dog.

Fine!

Sweet charity.

That's a tasty
looking lamb chop.

You with me?

Ee-ee.

Hey, boy.

Whoo hoo!



Thought you guys weren't
getting here till, like, 8:00.

Well, we could have
got here at 8:00,

but then it would
have been too late

to sit behind home
plate at the Met game!

The Mets? Tonight?

I could kiss you on the mouth!

Excuse me. I'm the one
who bought the tickets.

Gotta go, gents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me just
leave a note for Carrie.

Did you know beers are
$5.50 at Shea now?

Oh yeah? Well,
they're free here.

Ohh! I had the worst day!

You did, huh?

Want to, uh, very quickly
tell me about it?

My firm just won

that big airline case

which I worked 2,000 hours on,

and my boss walks
around the office

and thanks everybody
personally by name.

Did I get a thanks?

Um... I hope so.

No-o-o.

I got a "Where's my bagel?"

I was so ticked off that I
stole a bottle of White-out,

and it opened in my purse.

Hug, honey.

Uh... yeah. Sure. Come here.

Aw! Mmm!

Yeah! There you go.
You feel better?

That's good, huh? Yeah!

Yeah.

Massage?

Okay, why am I the one

who has to smuggle beer in?

Because you're oddly
shaped as it is.

Suck in your stomach.

Okay. Uh! Cold beer! Cold!

What's taking Doug so long?

Mmm...

Honey, that feels so good.

You're my official rub boy
for the rest of the night.

Okay, stop it! Stop it!
You're in the eye!

Oh, hi, Carrie.

Hi!

Uh, Doug, it's a quarter of.

What's up?

Ha. Spence got us Met tickets.

It's all here in the note.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Why'd you let me keep babbling?

Because I care about you.

I also care about the
Mets, so I was torn.

Go have fun! Go!

Really? Yeah?

Yes! Yeah, go!

Okay. You should call a friend

and go out too, you
know, have a good time!

Yeah, maybe. I'll see.

We always said that Friday
night was friend night.

Honey, would you just go?
I'll be fine.

I lov... Doug!

Coming now! See you later, okay?

Hey, Kel, it's me. Listen,

wanna go grab some
dinner tonight?

Oh, I don't mind going
with you and the kids.

You promised them Chuck E.
Cheese, huh?

Hey, Lynn. I know we haven't
talked for three years,

but I gotta tell ya...

I don't even remember
what our fight was about.

Okay? Lynn?

Lynn. L-Lynn?

Lynn!

Okay, fine. You know what?
You're still a slut.

Hey, you!

Hey, how was the game?

Oh, it was great! Extra innings.

Which means...

let's face it, I ate more.

Mmm...

Guessing you didn't
go out tonight.

Nah!

Oh. That's a... lotta gumballs.

It's pretty easy, once
you get the edges.

Still...

Thought you were gonna
call one of your friends.

I don't have any friends.

What are you talking about?
You have friends.

Well, I did.

Now they all have babies

or they hate me
or I hate them...

Why don't we just

forget this whole
friend-night thing,

and you and I just hang
out on Friday night?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

That's... certainly
one way to go.

Or... we keep friend night

and we find you a friend, huh?

Find me a friend.

Okay, that doesn't make
me sound too pathetic.

You know what? I
just remembered.

There's a woman about your age

who just moved in
down the street!

So?

It's fate! Hi, fate!

Hey.

Neighbors. Just came
by to say howdy.

What? Yes!

Yes. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry. I'll be with
you in two seconds.

I just need to find my...

I'm sorry. What did y...
You're neighbors?

Yes indeed. Doug and
Carrie Heffernan.

Just came by to welcome
you to the 'hood.

Hi. I'm Carrie.

Hi, hi, hi.

Got a name there?

Yeah! Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Jessica Wicks.

I'm sorry. I'm... so frazzled!

I just... I've spent
the last two days

moving out of my loft,

which I had every right to
keep, but you know what?

My ex-husband can have
it, he can enjoy it.

With any luck, he'll trip

and split his head open
on the coffee table.

This is nice.

Oh, there they are.

Oh! Hey, smoker, honey, huh?

Carrie here used to
be a big smoker.

Still would be, too,

but she started to
cough up black stuff.

Ah, but she loved it.

So, what house you in?

Uh, 8013, just down the block.

Oh, wait a minute.

There's a really cute guy
who came out of 8017.

Mmm. Freak.

Really?

Mm-hmm. He has a rabbit.
He walks it.

You'll see him.

Shoot, I was hoping
for a piece of that.

Me too!

Oh. Kidding, honey.

Ha ha. Hey, look at this!

You both want to sleep
with the same guy.

Hey, I'll watch the rabbit.

Douglas.

Arthur.

Thank God it's dinner time.

T.G.I.D., right?

What?

Nevermind. Nevermind.

So...

did you have a good day?

Oh, yeah. Very busy.

Long story short,

all the shag carpet is
now the same length.

Hey, w-where's the food?

I don't know.

It's usually... just right here.

What do we do?

I don't know.

What do we do?

I know about as much
as you do right now.

Carrie!

Sweetheart?

Carrie!

Douglas, is there a plan "B"?

Are you kidding me?

They're huge, and she
still says they're real!

Oh, stop. They still have
the price tag on them.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Dad.

Hiya, Doug. Hi, Mr. Spooner.

Please, call me Dutch.

Sorry we're late.
We were shopping,

and we picked up some Greek food
from this place Jess knows.

So you guys were together
again today, huh?

Hey, I did a pretty good job.

I got a natural ability
for this, don't I?

It's a gift. It's a gift.
It really is.

God gave me the gift.
I got the pow-ah!

So this morning,

I'm scanning bar codes
with the new 826 for...

It's gotta be like half
the morning, right?

I mean, I scan, send it out,

scan, send it out.

Then I check down
finally at my...

What sauce goes on
these lumpy balls?

Lumpy balls... white stuff.

Ah, thank you.

Anyway, I look down
at the databank,

and there's nothing!
There's no data.

And the packages,
they're out there,

they're gone...

Oh, my God!

This is awesome!

I know, I know.

Can you even believe there
is a place this good

in that skeevy little mini-mall?

I know! You know what?
This goes to show you.

Maybe we should try
that gynecologist

on the second floor.

You first.

You first, lady!

Oh, ha, ha, ha!

Oh! I'm sorry, honey.
What were you saying?

Okay. So the packages,
they're gone, right?

Without a shred of data.
Oh, and by the way,

This all happening on a day
when we're a man short.

So what I do is...

Oh, that's me. Oh. Do you mind?

No, no, no. Just remember,
scanner broken. Man short.

Hello?

Oh, hi! Uh-huh.

It's Steve. Yeah.

Who's Steve?

Shh, shh, shh!

Who did she say Steve was?

She didn't say.

Steve Allen?

Shh! It's her ex-husband.

No, I do not have your
precious DVD player.

I don't even know
what a DVD player is.

I have it.

Good, good.

So, listen, I'm pulling into
a parking garage right now,

so if I lose you, I'll...

Ho ho! Ooh! Parking garage.
I like that.

You know, I usually
use "tunnel,"

but I think people are
catching on to that one.

So, um, anyway,

you were saying about work...

The scale at work?

It's a scanner.

Mm! Right. The scanner.
Okay, so what happened?

Okay... uh... scanner broken. Man down.
Packages gone, right?

And then... turns out

one of the packages on the truck

was full of scanners.

That's funny, baby.

It is funny!

Oh, sure, it's funny.
Barrel of laughs!

Until little Jimmy doesn't
get his new bike!

Y-you don't understand
the point of the story.

See, it's ironic that
our scanner went down

and we sent out a perfectly
good box of scanners

without scanning it!

That's not ironic.

Yes, it is!

Forget it! I'm getting a beer!

CARRIE: So what else did you get

besides the DVD player?

JESSICA: His Soloflex
and his insulin.

You got the insulin?

Yes, I did. I hid it.

Ow! Not a twist-off!

No, Jess, you were
totally right.

Hey!

No! If they screwed it up,

you shouldn't have
to pay for it.

I'm home.

No, I've done that.

About, like, a year ago,

they made my nails
look like crap,

and I just walked out.

Uh-huh. And then what'd she say?

Really?

So what happened?

She still talking to Jessica?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, that young lady is
a breath of fresh air.

Such passion, such
joie de vivre,

Something we could use a
little more of around here.

What are you trying to say?

That was not your best
package story last night.

I was interrupted.

Whatever helps you
sleep at night.

Honey, you're going
out with your friends

Friday night, right?

No, well, we didn't talk
yet, but I don't even...

Yeah, I can go.

Yeah. That sounds great.

Yah, I can go. Yah,
that sounds great. Yah.

Friday night. Out with the boys.

Me and the boys.

Are out.

What are we gonna do?

There's gotta be one movie

that isn't sold out.

I said we should've bought
tickets over the phone.

That's gay.

What is gay about buying
tickets over the phone?

It just is.

You know where Carrie and
Jessica went tonight?

They went to a jazz club.
You believe that crap?

I like jazz.

Hey, Dougie!

Well, somebody's in a good mood.

I guess you really
like jazz, huh?

Nah. We left after 10 minutes.
We went bowling.

Bowling? You hate bowling.

I don't think you can call
what we did "bowling."

I think combined we
bowled, like, a 20.

And, oh, by the way,

I got hit on by the
shoe rental guy,

so treat me right, baby.

Yeah, could you, uh...

could you come here for a sec?

Huh?

I think we, uh, need
to have a little talk.

Oh, sure. What's up?

If you had to think of one thing

missing from our marriage,

What would that be?

A commitment to dieting?

Fair enough.

But that's really just me.
I meant...

from us together,
like as a couple.

Foreplay?

Again, more me.

All right, I'm gonna
stop the bleeding here

and just tell you
what's on my mind.

There ya go.

I just think that if you
and I don't, you know,

make an effort to spend
more quality time together,

potentially we could... veer.

Veer.

Veer. Yeah. Veer.

Like... we started here, okay?

But lately we've kinda
gone like this.

What we need to do is
go back to here, okay?

Because when we're here...

I wanna be a part of this...

but I'm over here... so I can't.

So what you're saying is

you hate Jessica.

No, no, no!

No, she's fine. She's fine.

It's just that..

I think maybe it's
not such a good idea

that you spend so
much time with her.

Excuse me! You're the one who
dragged me down the block

so I could have a friend.

I did want you to have a friend.

I just... didn't think
you'd be this good at it.

Well, yeah, it turns
out that I'm lovable.

Who knew?

Come on, Carrie.

All I'm saying is

I wanna spend some
more time with you.

Okay, when?

Tomorrow. Can't do it.

Come on!

Honey, I have to go buy a
dress for my work party.

You don't want to come
shopping with me, do you?

Uh, very much so. Yes!

Listen, if you and
I don't reconnect,

I feel a veer coming...

Okay. Don't do the
hand thing again.

Okay, what do you
think of this one?

The bows are kinda
stupid, right?

Well, I wouldn't call
them stupid, no.

Whimsical, yes, unexpected, yes.

Are you sure you
want to be here?

Yes!

Because you could go
down to the food court,

you know, and get a Cinnabon.
No, no, no, no.

I mean, later, yes, but
together, as a couple.

Right now, I'm here to
help you pick out a dress.

Okay. I'm gonna go try
a few of these on.

Hey, wow me.

Well?

Mm-hmm, that's nice.

Nice too.

Also nice.

Oh, yes! Yep, there it is.

Really? You like this? Really?

I... I love it.

It's orange and blue...
Mets colors.

I'll try another one.

Carrie, Doug. Ha, ha.

Jessica?

Hi.

Hi.

This is so funny.

Isn't this funny?
This is so funny.

I know. What are you doing here?

Oh, we're just looking for
dresses for my office party.

These... these
dresses over here...

this, this, this, and this.

Uh-huh.

Well, for what it's worth, I
really love that flowered one.

This one? Yeah?

Yeah, it's fabulous. Wrap it up.

Mmm...

not sure we're agreeing

with you there, Jessica.

No? Well, whatever.

Okay, well, they don't
have what I need.

So, gotta go. See ya.

Um, well, I'm all set, honey.

Next stop, Cinnabon.

You... you called her, huh?

Called who, honey?

You called Jessica from
the dressing room.

You know, this was
supposed to be our day,

but you just had to
bring her into it, huh?

Yeah, that's what I did, Doug.

I called her from the
dressing room, right.

Okay, fine.

Then I'll just press
redial on your phone,

and we'll see what happens,
see what the deal is.

We'll see who called who. Give it to me.
No, no, no.

Stop it. No.

Give it to me. Whoa!

Redial!

Okay, it says I have to roam.

Okay, don't roam.

I called her, all right?

Fine. You know what? Then
call her back, you know,

and you guys have a
great day together.

Go shopping for dresses,
go to jazz clubs,

date shoe rental guys.

Whatever. I don't
care, you know?

And if you need me, sorry.

I'm taking a bus home

after a brief stop at Cinnabon.

Oh, my God. What have you done?

Still working on that.

Sorry.

So, how many did you have here?

Ahem. Four.

I would have had five,

but I dropped one in
front of Foot Locker.

So... So be honest with me.

Okay. What?

You like Jessica better
than me, don't you?

Oy!

Well, you do.

You light up when she calls.

When she stops by,

you run over to
her like a puppy.

You laugh at her stories,

which aren't half as funny
as my scanner story.

You know, I told it at Cooper's,

and by the way, it got
a very nice response.

Mmm.

Doug, I don't like
her better than you.

That's ridiculous.

Prove it. Kill her.

Look, I... I haven't had
a friend in a while.

I admit I went a little nuts,

but you shouldn't be
threatened by my friends.

I'm not threatened
by your friends.

Well, what about if I get
to keep my friends...

and you don't get any ever?

All right, I threw it out there.

And I love you.

I love you too.

So which, uh, which
dress did you pick?

Did you pick mine
or Jessica's, huh?

Neither. I got...

This one.

Oh...

very nice.

Celtics.

Douglas?

Douglas?

What?

Arthur, what's...

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just
wanted to tell you

I looked it up in
the dictionary,

and you were right.

That scanner story was ironic.

I thought ironic meant
"made entirely of iron."

Good night, Arthur.

Sleep tight.