The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 23 - Restaurant Row - full transcript

Come on. Here we go, baby.
Work with me.

Oh...

Okay. Okay.

Oh...

Come on.

Hey, what, did you lock
your keys in your car?

No, I have a shirt in the back

I'm trying to get on the hanger
without opening the door.

Sorry. Trying to help out.

Moron.

You like your Liberace,
don't you, Dad?



Oh, yes. Lee was
quite the showman.

Darling, did you know
he was a little...

That's not to repeat.

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we need the support of
generous viewers like you.

There they go begging
for money again.

Pathetic.

Good morning. What is that?

What? The Three Tenors tote bag?

I've been in the market
for a tote bag for years.

I just didn't have the
guts to pull the trigger.

Look, honey.

It's perfect for me,
don't you think?



Yeah, it'll be a nice step up

from the fishing net you use.

Yes, hello.

What is the minimum donation
to get that tote bag?

Ouch.

Is there any wiggle
room on that?

Hello! Hey, babe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No frozen food for you.

Now go upstairs,
put on some rouge,

and squeeze into a girdle,

because we are
stepping out tonight.

Where are we stepping,
back in time?

Better. We're going
to Fiorino's,

this new Italian joint Deac
and I had lunch at today.

It's unbelievable.

Oh, honey, I'm tired.
Let's go another night.

No, no, no, no. You
don't understand.

This restaurant is special.

I really think this
could be our place.

How great would that be?

I could call you up
from work and say,

"Hey, meet me at the place."

I wouldn't even have to say the name.
You'd know.

And how much time
would that save?

Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go, let's go.

Come on, I'm already
comfortable.

I'd have to put on a bra.
It's a whole ordeal.

I'll help you.

Please, Doug. You can't
even get my bra off.

Yes, but this is for something I want.
Let's go!

So you think I made
the right choice

ordering the special?

Well, it sounded good.
You think?

Because I kind of had
my eye on the rigatoni.

I don't know. Maybe I
should have gotten that.

Although on the other hand,

you gotta jump on
a good special,

because that goes away.

Well, the important thing is

you've given it a tremendous
amount of thought.

Hey, look who's back!

Mr. Green Shorts. Oh,
long pants now, eh?

Yeah, yeah, I got
the long pants on.

And who is this beauty?

This is my wife, Carrie.

Ah, so nice to see you.

You're a lucky, lucky man.

So you like my bruschetta?
Oh, it was great. Thanks.

It's on the house,

because you're such
a good customer

and because she's so beautiful.

Hey, you call me when you
leave this guy, huh?

Enjoy, enjoy.

He wants you to call
him when you leave me.

How great is this place!

It's very nice.

"Very nice"? What,
are you kidding me?

This is the best place ever.
They even gave me a nickname.

I know. Mr. Greenjeans.

Green Shorts.

Look at this. Free bruschetta.

Hey, you gotta check
out the bathroom too.

It's like peeing in old Italy.

I look forward to it.

All right, penne for the signora

and gnocchi for the signore.

Ah, smells great. Thanks.

Some fresh parmigiana?
None for me, thank you.

Signor?

Oh, yeah. Keep grating
till you hit bone.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes?

This has capers in it.

Yes, yes. They give
it a nice flavor.

Yes, but I ordered
it without capers.

They give it a nice
flavor, honey.

I don't have anything
about "no capers."

Well, I did say it.

All right. I'll change
your order, if you want.

No, I don't want to
change my order.

I just want my food

the way I ordered it
in the first place.

Actually, I like extra capers,
so this works out great.

I'll just take a few of these.
They come right out.

Look at that. I got a big one.

Doug, could you get your
fingers out of my food?

I'm just saying I don't think
we need to send it back.

Look, I got another one.
Doug, stop it.

Can I just have my food the
way I ordered it, please?

Very good. Thank you.

Uh, excuse me.

Was that a sigh? Oh, God.

No, signora.

Well, it sounded like a sigh.

Am I annoying you
in some way, huh?

Signora, you asked to
change your order.

I'll change your
order, that's all.

Okay, again with the
"change." You know what?

Let me have it.

Let me just see your manager, please.
Thank you.

Yes, signora.

What are you doing?

You didn't see the
attitude on that guy?

Come on. I'm not gonna
put up with that.

Carrie, it is very stressful

being in the service
industry, okay.

I never told you this,

but, some days, I just
sit in my truck and cry.

Doug, would you give me a break?
The guy was out-and-out rude.

Not rude. Fiery. He's Italian.
It's their way.

So a little problem?

Yes. I ordered my food...

Nothing major.
Everything's great.

It's just that my
wife got her food,

and she thought she ordered
it without capers.

I did order it without capers.

Okay, she may have.

The main thing is,
other than the capers,

everything else, fantastico.

Okay. So here's what's
not fantastico, okay,

is when a waiter pretty
much calls a customer

a liar.

I didn't get that.

I'm so sorry.

We'll take care
of it right away.

I'm so very sorry.

We'll take care of everything.

Did you see that? See what?

They were talking about me right
in front of me in Italian.

And then that guy,
he rolled his eyes.

Can we just eat dinner, okay?

You're gonna get your
dish back with no capers.

Maybe a little spit,
but no capers.

Look, just have some of
mine in the meantime.

No. No, forget it. I'm
not even hungry now.

Make sure it doesn't
have capers.

Okay, here we go.

You want to get into this now?
Bring it on.

Oh, no, no. I don't
wanna get into it.

I want you to be happy.

Don't want you to have to
call the Lean Cuisine people

and ask for the manager.

Well, if I did have to,

I guess we'd know whose
side you'd be on, don't we?

Hey, I just wanted a
nice evening out.

You're the one who went insane.

Oh, yeah, I'm insane.

I ordered my food without capers

and then wanted it
with no capers.

Yes. Fit me for a straitjacket.
I'm a loon.

You know what I mean, all right?

You're always on the lookout
for who's out to get you.

You know, you can never
just let something go.

No, no, no. That would result
in a delightful evening.

And we can't have that, can we?
No.

And by the way, you
didn't say no capers.

How would you know?

You were too busy figuring out

what you were gonna
have for lunch

a week from Thursday.

I just don't get you, Carrie.

Oh, don't you?

You knew how much I
loved that place,

and you just had
to go and ruin it.

First of all, I am not the
one who dragged me there,

and second of all, that place...
Not so great.

Oh, don't. Don't.

No, it's true. It's true.

I didn't want to say it then,

but the bruschetta...
A little soggy.

That's right, that's right, and
the music... way too loud.

Okay, now you're just flailing,

because that music
could not have been

at a more perfect level.

Aw, crap!

And by the way,

a normal person enjoys a
nice caper now and again.

Okay. Well, here's a
"by the way" for you.

Normal people put their soda
cans in the recycling bin,

not on the clock-radio.

I swear, you do that
just to annoy me.

Of course I do.

Obviously, everyone on
this earth has one goal,

to annoy you.

It's true. Actually, you
know, we have a club.

We meet once a week.

We try to come up with new ways.

You want to see our
secret eye roll?

Okay. Okay, now you're
just being a jerk.

No, it's true, Carrie.
You're paranoid.

You're just like your father.

What?

That's right. You're
two of a kind.

I swear, I think the
Spooner family crest

is a shaking fist
with the words,

"I wanna see the manager!"

You know what? I am not
in the mood for this.

It's over.

We're never going
back there anyway,

so case closed.

Oh, here we go, we're
taking a stand.

We're banning the
restaurant now.

Yes, we are.

Okay, fine. You know,
I'll add it to the list.

The dry cleaner's, Kinko's,

Madison Square Garden, St.
Christopher's Church,

and now...

Fiorino's.

No, you're not like
Arthur, not too much.

Moron.

Arthurina!

Stop shutting lights!

Oh, and just one more thing.

I'm still gonna eat there when I want.
No, you're not.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am. Tomorrow.

And who knows.

After that, I may swing
by the dry cleaner's.

Where is it?

That's very nice, Doug.
You know what?

Go wherever you want to go,

but let me tell you something.

There has never been one time
that I didn't support you.

That's right. Remember
at that party

when you kept insisting
that pitted cherries

means they have pits in them?

You went on and on,

and I backed you up

because I don't want you
to look like an idiot

all by yourself.

Well, they should call them de-pitted.
It's confusing.

The point is is that
we're married, okay?

We're a couple. We're a team.

We're supposed to support
each other no matter what.

They hurt my feelings tonight,

Doug, you know?

And if you go back there,
you're just basically saying

that my feelings don't count.

Oh, forget it.

Don't do the "Oh,
forget it" thing.

All right, look,
I'm sorry, okay?

I won't go back there.

Thank you. Okay.

Goodbye, ravioli
stuffed with meat.

I hardly knew ye.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, tell me something,
and be honest.

What?

How do I look from behind?

Awesome.

I'm asking a serious question, all right?
How do I look?

What am I supposed to say?

I know I don't have a good
butt in the traditional sense.

I'm just saying,

if I could see myself
from behind full on,

would I be in for any surprises?

No. I mean, it's pretty
much what you'd expect

when you look at the front.

Oh, good.

Can we eat now?

Let's do it.

All right. Fiorino's.

Uh... Well, I really
don't want to.

What are you talking about?

You said that was
gonna be our place.

Yeah. It's just that...

Carrie and I went there
the other night,

and I gotta tell you,

they were kind of rude to her.

Really? But they're so
friendly over there.

I mean, they call you Mr.
Green Shorts.

They call me Mr. Green Shorts.

Carrie thought they
were rude, all right?

Let's just pick another place.

What did they do that was rude?

Well, one guy sighed.

Uh-huh...

And the other guy
might've rolled his eyes.

I'm not sure.

Anyway, it was very rough stuff.

Was this anything like
when we went to the movies

and the popcorn girl sassed her?

Very similar, yes.

So now you can't
eat at Fiorino's.

No. I choose not to
eat at Fiorino's.

They hurt Carrie's
feelings, okay?

We're a team. We
stand by each other.

Uh-huh. That's
right, that's right.

And if that means

I gotta wear a disguise
to go to the fruit stand,

then that's the
price I gladly pay.

Oh, she's a nutjob, isn't she?

Well, I'm not a doctor, but...

Oh, man. She really
had me going too.

She threw out that whole speech

about how her feelings
were hurt and...

Oh, man, she really
was working it.

She cry?

No. No, it was worse.

She kind of had that pre-cry
mist going, you know?

Yeah, the little
quiver on the bottom.

Oh, man, she's good.
She's damn good.

Yeah, well, listen, man.

I could talk about this all day,

but there's a hunk of
lasagna with my name on it.

I'm sorry you can't come.

Wait.

Yeah?

What's the special today?

I think it's baked ziti.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

Oh, no, man.

I got three days of
catching up to do.

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah, whatever Monday's
special was, bring it.

Dad, I'm home. I got
back early today.

Dad?

Dad, you'd better not be
in our bedroom again.

Look, when I ask for a tote bag,

I expect a tote bag.

No, I won't hold. You hold.

I'm on hold again. Unbelievable.

What you got going there, Dad?

Say hello to another
unlucky bastard

chewed up and spit out
by the PBS machine.

Hello.

Look at what those
ganefs sent me

instead of that beautiful bag.

Dad, this is their
entire Civil War series.

This is great.

Oh, please.

Father against son,
brother against brother.

Cry me a river.

I'm just saying this
is much more valuable

than that tote bag you wanted.

Oh, really? Can I tote
my oranges in this?

Will my swim trunks
fit in there?

No and no.

Look, they probably
ran out of tote bags

and sent you this instead.

I didn't buy this. I
bought a tote bag.

You didn't buy anything.

You made a donation to
public broadcasting.

This is a gift.

It's not the gift I wanted.

All right, hang up.
You're acting crazy now.

No, I'm not crazy.

I'm just not gonna let these
people step all over me.

Fine. Have a good time.

Yes, I'm here.

Oh, you still claim there
are no tote bags, huh?

Then let me speak
to your manager.

Hey, hey. Mrs. Green Shorts.

You come back to give
us another chance?

Actually, I just came
by to apologize.

My behavior the other
night was inexcusable.

No, no, no. It's fine.
It's okay.

You wanted to change your order.

We changed your order.
No problem.

I never wanted to change...
Not important.

The main thing is,

I just wanted to come by

and say I'm sorry to you and...

And, oh, and to him.

Hi. Excuse me. Remember me?
"No caper" lady.

I just wanted to say

that I'm very sorry
for the other night.

I was really...

Okay, he's still angry.

That's understandable.
That's understandable.

Also, um, I don't see the busboy

that I threw an olive at.

Would you tell him
that I'm sorry too?

Forget about it. It's okay.

Everything is okay.

Oh, thank you so much.
You know what?

I'd love to surprise my husband
with a nice big dinner,

so load me up with
the works, huh?

Really? Okay.

I tell you, I thought he
would never eat again

after the lunch he
had here today.

Oh, God.

Hello, Douglas.

Hi.

I guess you probably heard
through the grapevine

that PBS and I are
butting heads.

Yeah. It's all over town.

I got them good, though.

I just pledged $1 million on
behalf of a Mr. Jim Shorts.

Get it? You get it?

Yeah, I get it.

Oh.

What's the matter with you?

I just... I got a bit
of an upset stomach.

I ate lunch angry.

Anything I can do for you?

No, no, no. I'm fine. Thanks.

Hey, you know what helps
when I'm nauseous?

A nice gentle tummy rub.

Would you like one?

No.

I have very soft hands.

No.

Come on, I'm your father-in-law.

It's the most natural
thing in the world.

No.

Oh, the hell with you.
I'm doing it.

Stop that!

You're gonna thank me later!

Stop it! I don't like it now!

Fine.

You gotta sleep sometime.

Hey, honey. Hey.

How are you doing?

Good, good, good. Very good.
Yeah, good.

Listen, I've been wanting
to talk to you all day.

Well, you found me.

What's up?

Look, I just want to say
that I am so, so sorry

for that whole stupid thing
the other night at Fiorino's.

You are?

Yes. I mean, it
just hit me today.

I completely overreacted.

You know, "I said, no capers!"

Hey, don't you roll
your eyes at me!

You know, was I out
of control or what?

Maybe a little, yeah.

And then I actually banned
you from going back there.

Could you believe I did that?

Your feelings are your feelings.

Nobody has the right
to judge you.

Oh, honey, you are so sweet.

You know, even though
the ban was ridiculous,

the most important thing to me

is that you respected
it, you know?

You supported me. Thank you.

Hey. Look, who's keeping
track of who respected what

or who supported who?

It's a whatever thing.

Bottom line: you, me,
love, end of story.

I know you had
lunch there today.

Let me finish.

I can't believe you did that.

You're such a jerk.

You just said the
ban was stupid.

It was stupid,

but it was still in effect when
you had lunch there today.

Yes, but I knew you
were a good person

who would eventually
come to her senses

and lift the ban.

I went there today
as a show of faith.

Okay, how's this for
coming to my senses?

The ban is back on.
How do you like that?

You already lifted the ban.
You can't put it back.

Oh, it's back. You're banned.

No, I'm not.

Oh, no? You wanna keep talking?

Because now you're
banned from Bagel King.

No way! They've done
nothing to you.

Yeah, well, they don't
serve light cream cheese.

That annoys me.

Okay. Fine, fine.

You want to ban me,
then I'm gonna ban you.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Say goodbye to your
nail place, baby.

And you know why?

Because I don't like
the bell on the door.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just had
your last egg roll

from Chef Ming's, my friend.

Oh, have I? Yeah, well,

you had your last tasty treat
from Humphrey Yogart's. Yeah.

Batting cages.

Loehmann's. You wanna
keep it coming?

Come on. What, you
think you can hurt me?

You're banned from there too.

Okay. Should have
thought this through.

Don't fight me. It's
going to happen.