The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 24 - Flower Power - full transcript

Doug, what is that noise?

It's just the smoke alarm.

Well, is the house on fire?

Because I got a bunch of
clothes I wanna save.

And my dad.

No. It's just the
batteries are low.

It'll stop. Go back to sleep.

It's not stopping.

Al right, I'll check the
batteries in the morning.

Doug, I can't sleep with that.

Just dream about a
truck backing up.



Doug, fix it, okay? Come on.
Be the man for once.

Hey, that bug was huge.

Go.

All right! Boy, you are not a
middle-of-the-night person,

are you?

Not in the middle
of the night, no.

You gotta pull on it.

I'm trying, okay? It's
on there pretty good.

Well, then twist it...

That's what I am doing.

There.

There.

Okay, wrong one.

Okay, I got them all down.



I'll change the batteries
in the morning.

Thank you, honey.

Doug... What if there's a fire?

Oh, God, they're closing
the bridge again.

Now I have to take that
stupid midtown tunnel.

It's so creepy, driving
into that thing.

It smells like fish and
exhaust, you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, by the way, don't forget
to make that appointment

with Dr. Erlich, okay?

Okay, how about one
slurp for "yes"

and two for "no"?

What? I was listening.

Really? What did I just say?

You said, "One slurp for yes..."

Two for... something or other."

Come on. I heard you.

Dr. Erlich, fish, exhaust.
I got the highlights.

Oh, that's Deac. I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, before you go,

I'm going shopping after work tonight.
Is chicken okay?

Yeah, whatever.
More importantly,

when you find yourself
in the donut aisle,

and you will find yourself
in the donut aisle,

these low-fat ones you bought,

Ehrr...

Okay? I'll see you later.

Uh, Doug? "I love you"?

Well, if you do,
full-fat donuts.

Okay, good talking to you.

Good morning.

Hey, look at you, all spiffy.

Where are you off to?

Darling, it seems a crime
has been committed,

and I've been called upon

to act as judge, jury,
and executioner.

Actually, not so much
judge or executioner,

just the other one.

You have jury duty?

Give that girl a silver dollar.
Yes, I have jury duty.

I went down yesterday,

and I was lucky enough
to be put on a case.

Oh, well, good for you, Dad.

What kind of case is it?

Darling, please, you're
in the law game.

I'm surprised at you.

You should know I'm
under strict orders

not to discuss the
case with anyone.

Okay, I was just
making conversation.

Now I'm gonna need you to
throw out all the magazines,

newspapers, or books

that pertain to the
subject of armed robbery.

Oh! Damn it!

I really don't think
he was hitting on me.

Oh, he was so hitting
on you, Kim.

And he has for the
last six months.

Give him something, will you?

Flash him, anything.

But he's the newsstand guy.

Oh, and he doesn't
need to love, huh?

Wow, what are these?

You got flowers!

My God, they're gorgeous!
Aren't they?

Oh, look at thi... "Just
because I love you."

How sweet is my husband?

Well, I see someone went
the extra mile last night.

No.

I guess Doug just felt like
being a little sweetie

to say he appreciates
what a great wife I am,

thank you very much.

That's right. Got
some flowers here.

That's right. Keep
walking, baby.

Oh, Carrie, hi.

I left those on your desk so
I could get water for them.

What? You don't mind?

Oh, no. Yeah. Well,
sure, anytime.

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Yes. They're very nice.

Can I... have them?

Oh! Yeah. Yeah. There you go.
There you go.

Oh, and... And here's the card.

It's sweet. You'll like it.

Thanks.

Uh... I'm not gonna lie to you.

That was hard to look at.

Yeah. Yeah.

We'll see you later, Carrie.

Okay, okay. Bye-bye.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: The
evidence in this case

will overwhelmingly demonstrate
the guilt of the defendant.

Now, you will hear testimony
demonstrating that the gravel...

ARTHUR: Boy, oh, boy, this
guy is guilty as sin.

Look at you, dressed
in your nice suit.

As if that's fooling anybody.

You make me sick.

You're going to the big house

if A. Spooner has
anything to say about it.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The
defense will prove

that Mr. Schubert's fingerprints

do not match those on the gun
found on the loading dock.

Wait a minute.

His fingerprints
weren't on the gun.

This is a witch hunt.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: On the
morning after the crime,

the defendant made a deposit
to his checking account

for $3000.

Let's just fry this maggot
and get it over with.

I'm thinking of
getting an earring.

Why? People running out of
reasons to beat you up?

Hey, I'm serious.

Nothing gaudy, just
a little stud.

Help with the ladies.

You know what'll help more?

Not telling them how much
you like jigsaw puzzles.

Hey, babe. Hi.

Hey, Carrie.

You know what?

If you put your other foot up,

then we could have
all the muddy shoes

on the coffee table.

Oh, that had a
little bite to it.

Nah, nah, nah. She's
just joking around.

Ahem. Never hurts
to be sure, though.

So... How was your day?

What do you see here, Doug?
I'm curious.

The kitchen, with... fixins.

I was gonna put this stuff away.
When, Doug, when?

As soon as my guests leave.

If you haven't noticed,
I'm entertaining.

Yeah. Entertaining...

Four idiots who are
comparing smells.

And, by the way, Spence wins.

What the hell's going on?
What's your problem?

Why are you in such a bad mood?

I am not in a bad mood!

You are in a bad mood, okay?

What the hell's your problem?

You want to know
what my problem is?

I'll tell you what
my problem is.

Amy Samuels got flowers today.

And?

Did she shove them up your...
No!

You wanna tell me
who Amy Samuels is?

She's a girl I work with,

and her husband sent
her flowers today.

And?

And they ended up on my desk,

and I thought they
were from you,

and I went on and on about
what a great guy you are.

So you're mad at me

because someone who I don't know

got flowers from her
husband, who...

I also don't know?

I'm not mad at you, Doug.

It's just that, you know,

a lot of people were
standing around.

I looked like an idiot.

So am I in trouble or not?

No, you're not in trouble, Doug.

And yet I am.

No. I mean, it's my own fault.

I should have known
they weren't from you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you
mean, you should have known?

Well, you don't do stuff
like that anymore.

What? Yes, I do.

Oh, really, Doug?

When was the last time

you sent me flowers
for no reason?

Okay, okay. Good question.

Fair question.

A question that certainly
deserves an answer.

What was the question again?

The question was,

when was the last time
you sent me flowers

for no reason?

Ah, ah, last Valentine's Day.

Okay, first of all, it
was Valentine's Day,

so it wasn't for no reason,

and, second of all, you
didn't get me flowers.

Right, but then you got mad
that I didn't get you flowers,

and then I got you flowers.

All right, Doug. Let
me show you something.

You might find it a
little interesting.

New shoes? No. Not new shoes.

This is all

the little romantic stuff
you sent me over the years.

Look at this. Look, look.

The first rose petal
pressed in a book.

Look, a matchbook

from Peter Luger's
Steakhouse, huh?

Oh, and do you remember this?

What is it?

You don't remember this?

Remember when we were
driving up to Monticello

and I got carsick,

so you bought me this little
frog at the rest stop

to make me feel better?

Remember, you named him
Monty, short for Monticello?

Oh, yeah. Monty. I remember him.

Darling, do me a favor.

Please don't puke
on the leather.

God, I can't believe
you saved him.

Of course I saved him.
I love Monty.

I mean, look, Doug,

look at all these cards you
sent me for no reason.

Look at this one. It says...

This is when we first met...

"Dear Carrie, I have trouble
saying this face-to-face,"

but I think you're the
sweetest, cutest, hottest,

kindest, smartest, funniest,
greatest girl I've ever known,

and I could really see myself

spending the rest of
my life with you.

"All my love, Doug Heffernan."

Okay, and fast-forwarding
to the most recent card...

"Happy belated birthday.

XO, Doug."

That one I didn't really
need to write a lot.

Hallmark nailed it.

Whatever.

Look, come on, Carrie.
It's not fair.

You can't compare
back then to now.

I mean, every guy
pours it on heavier

in the beginning

because, you know, he's
trying to close the deal.

So you're saying
all this stuff...

"I love you," all that,

that was just to
get in my pants?

To get in your pants and
stay in your pants.

Oh, come on. Why
are you so upset?

Carrie, I didn't do anything!

I know you didn't
do anything, okay?

And I didn't even mean to bring it up.
I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna go start dinner.

And a dozen tulips,
some white dealies,

a couple of those
snapper-looking ones.

Get some sticks in
there to bulk it up.

Don't skimp on the sticks.

And, uh, oh, man, what else?

You got any of those,
uh, big yellow ones

that look like the sun?

Sunflowers?

That's it. Is that
what they call them?

Okay, we'll go with that. Yeah.
I'll take a half-dozen of those.

Okay, would you
like any balloons?

Oh, yeah. Great idea.
You know what?

I'll take all the
balloons you got.

I have 1100 of them.

Okay, then I'll take eight.

Very good. Okay, will
that be everything?

Is the parrot for sale?

No. He's mine.

Then that should just about do it.
Okay...

Just send it all to this
address right there, okay?

Ahem... Hello!

Rawwrk! Hello!

Please don't do that. Sorry.

Hold it. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Thank you.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY:
So as you can see,

the DNA pattern depicted
in the exhibit J

matches that of the defendant.

If you look at the charts...

This is brutal.

How did I let myself get
roped into this, anyway?

Think of the paycheck.
Think of the paycheck.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY:
I would like

to submit the
following documents

into evidence.

If you'll take and mark
these exhibits M through T.

My God, that
stenographer types fast.

Hmm.

If I were to yell out something,

I bet I could make it
into the transcript.

Okay, on three, I'm
gonna yell, uh...

"Remember the Alamo."

Okay, here goes.

One, two, three.

You coward.

Hey.

Hey... What do you got there?

Uh, I got some chocolates,
um, a pillow...

Some... some beautiful flowers, and...
and some balloons.

Ah, and who sent you that?

My sweet and wonderful,
thoughtful husband.

Thank you very much.

What happened to the
"I love you" pillow?

I basically had to kick it
home from Manhattan. Yeah.

Could you help me?
Give me a hand here?

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Argh!

Thanks so much,

and I'm gonna put these
surviving flowers

in water.

Okay, uh...

You know, the yellow ones,
they're called sunflowers.

Very nice.

Ahem. So, you, uh...
You like everything?

Yes.

You gonna save a couple
of those petals,

put it in your shoebox?

Uh-huh. Or do you wanna
press them in a book?

Should I get your book?
Do you want your book?

Should I get your book?

Um, maybe I'll do
it later, honey.

Okay, but you... You
do like everything?

Okay, like I said a moment ago,

I like everything very much.
Thank you.

It didn't land.

What do you mean? You
got her flowers, right?

Yeah, yeah, and
not just flowers.

I got her candy, balloons,
a heart pillow.

It was like a romantic
bomb exploded.

How do you know it didn't land?

Because you just know
when something lands.

You know, you get a
little neck nuzzle

or an upper-arm squeeze.

All I got

was this kind of tight little
cold peck on the lips.

Like how? Show us on Spence.

Hey, shut up.

The man is sharing a
real problem here,

and I, for one, am
gonna try to help him.

You can relax. He already
paid for the food.

Oh, in that case, yawn!

You know what my problem is?

I was too good too early on.

I set the bar so high

with the poems and the cards

and that stupid frog.

Man, I wish I could
go back in time

and just tell myself
to slow it down...

and lay off the butter.

Look, man, you did what
you had to do to get her.

Yeah, it's just that I think
I could have gotten her

with a lot less.

I don't think so.

You know what?

Carrie's train's getting
in in a couple of minutes.

I'm gonna go pick her
up and surprise her.

Yeah. I'm gonna take
her someplace great.

I'm getting back
in that shoebox.

This is great, huh?

This is a real night to remember
we got going here, huh?

Yes. Very nice.

Whoa! Hey! Walk much?

I guess that's the problem

when you're wearing
three-inch work heels

on the boardwalk.

Yeah, but it's great, isn't it?

I just pick you up at the
train, whisk you down here

for a little romantic surprise,

and for what reason, you ask?

None!

That's great.

I just wish you would have
whisked me home first

so I could put on
some flat shoes.

Look! Look at that!
They got frogs!

They got frogs. You love frogs.

Oh, yeah. Frogs.

Maybe we'll get a little
brother for Monty?

Doug, come here. Come here.

I know what you're doing, okay.

You don't have to do this.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm just having a night
out with my best girl.

Doug... You're getting a frog!

Deal with it, okay?

Hey, how much?

3 bucks, three balls.

You gotta knock them all
down with one throw.

All right. Not a problem.

I played high school baseball,
and I was scouted a little.

Oh... and now you drive a truck.

Just give me the balls.
All right?

You might wanna watch
where you stand

because these bottles,
they could go anywhere.

Yeah. I'm fine here.

All right, then. Here we go.

Okay, okay. I see the
problem right there.

See, they make the
bottom ones heavier.

That's because the suckers,
they don't know about that.

All right, here we go. Here we go.
All right.

Here we go. I'm
turning up the gas.

Okay, okay, time
to bring the heat.

You gotta throw the heat, man.

Hey, what do you say? Mustard.

Okay, you tried. Let's go home.

You know what? Give
me three more.

I got it! I hit that
one straight on!

Okay, Doug, come on.
Let's go home.

We had a very good night.

I wanna get home,
put it in my diary

while the memory's still hot.
Come on.

No. You are getting
a frog, okay?

Now, give me another 20.

Enough with the frogs, already!

What is it with you, all right?

First you're upset that I'm not
doing enough romantic stuff,

and now I'm being fricking
Lorenzo Lamas here,

and you're still giving me crap.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just don't want you doing
all this stuff for me!

I thought you did. No. Okay?

I wanted you to do a few
little romantic things

because you wanted to,
because you thought of it,

Not because I brought it up.

But you did bring it up,

and once you did,
you locked me out,

and now I can't do
anything romantic

because you brought it up!

I know! Then why did
you bring it up?

Because Amy Samuels got flowers

and they were very nice
and so was the card!

Could you two maybe step aside?

Yeah, I know there's
nobody waiting in line,

but this is getting
really annoying.

Is that the pork?

Yeah.

Thank you.

It's good.

Honey, go like
this for a second.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Foo yong. Little foo yong.

Thank you.

JUDGE: Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury...

Okay, finally the
moment of truth...

Judgment day.

The fate of a man

shall be decided by a
jury of his peers,

the criminal justice
system's finest hour.

Now, I ask you to go
back to the jury room

and make your decision.

As for our alternate, Mr.
Spooner,

you're free to go home.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you.