The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 22 - Soft Touch - full transcript

Oh, can I fit there?

Honey, our house
could fit there.

All right. I can do
without the "ha ha", guy.

Okay.

Getting a little nauseous.

All right. Be quiet.

I'm gonna need a bucket.

You want me to do it?

No, I am doing this. Okay.

You gotta cut the wh... I'm cut...
I'm cutting it!

There.



Okay, great job. Let's go.

I'll wait here.

Isn't Carrie back from
the supermarket yet?

Yes, but unfortunately,

both she and her
groceries are invisible.

I'm sorry, but you
make it so easy.

I am starving.

So, what have you...
What have you got there?

Bologna sandwich.

Bologna? We... We have bologna?

We had bologna.

Now, I'll thank you
to stop hovering.

Come on, give me half.

Oh, like you gave me half



of your devil dog yesterday?

Okay, that was wrong.

Well, too bad. Oh, this
is gonna be heaven.

All right. I don't need
your stinking bologna.

Hey.

Where have you been?

I stopped at the bank
to pay the mortgage.

The bank? You know my rules.
Supermarket, home.

Okay? Save your fun stuff
for your own time.

You know me. Can't pass
up a nice long line.

What is this? What am
I looking at here?

I'm looking at panty
liners and Raid.

I need lunch!

Relax, would you? There's
eight more bags in the car.

Oh. All right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You can't go yet. Why not?

The Sackskys are
out in their yard

just lurking.

So what?

So, I don't want to get roped
in to having dinner with them.

Ever since they
crashed our barbecue,

they've been trying
to invite us over

to reciprocate.

Just give it 10 minutes.

10 minutes? Carrie,
I'm starving here.

You know what I had
for breakfast?

Actually, I had a good
breakfast, but...

That was a long time ago.

Doug, just wait, okay?

I've dodged them this long.

I don't need you to screw it up.

Will you relax? I
won't screw it up.

I'll just go out there

and I'll throw them a
"Hey, how you doing?"

And bam, I'm in the garage.

All right, and what are you
gonna say on your way back?

That's when I go to a "Hey,
gotta stop meeting like this,"

and by the time
they stop laughing,

I'm halfway through
a grilled cheese.

Fine. Go. Okay.

Hey, Tim. How you doing there?

Hey, there's the guy.

Oh, gotta stop
meeting like this.

I'm sorry. What?

Gotta stop meeting like this.

You know, because we
just saw each other,

Oh, oh, yeah. A second ago.

Hey, listen, while
I have you, Doug,

what say we set
up a dinner, huh?

And then, and then...

Oh, this was so funny.

Dottie, let me. And then
he runs out, right?

Now, remember.

This guy is all of 4
1/2 feet tall, right?

So now he's soaking wet,

he's running through the terrain
yelling, "Help me! Help me!"

Do you remember that?

I hate you for this.

Whoo!

So, how is everything? Delish?

Oh, it was great.

Absolutely. Very tasty. Yes.
Really? Oh, good.

Because I was a little concerned

about the color of the chicken.

Nah, it was fine, Dottie.

Listen, uh, we're just sorry

that it took us so long
to have you guys over.

Oh, don't give it
another thought.

Well, it's just that, you know,

Dorothy and I have
been going through

kind of a rough stretch
in our marriage lately...

Hey, been there. TIM: Yeah?

But we've come out of
it better than ever.

Mm-mm. Thanks to this one.

Aw. You're so sweet.

Oops!

Oh.

Are we embarrassing you guys?

No. No, no.

Hey, dinner and a show.

Anyway, this has been great.

Yes, thank you very much. Yes.

Yes, thanks again.

You can't go.

We haven't even had dessert yet.

Tim, go put the pie in the oven.

Oh, right.

Hey, Doug, why don't you help
me with the dishes, huh?

The girls can stay out here

and catch up on their
blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah, yeah, sure, Tim.

All righty. Gonna
help with the dishes.

So, when are we going shopping?

Okay.

That baby should
be all warmed up

in about 20 minutes.

The microwave's faster.

Nah.

Hey, Doug, may I ask
you a question?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Do you enjoy a nice
glass of water?

Yeah, when I can't get a
beer or any other liquid.

Try this.

All right.

Well?

It's... It's good.

Ah, so you like it?

Yeah, you know, we have
this at our place too, Tim.

Oh, no.

No, see, that's where
you're wrong, my friend.

See, your water
doesn't go through

the Sparkle Tap.

Oh, got yourself a little
water filter, huh?

Oh, I don't just got one.
I sell them.

It's the cutest
little outlet store

you've ever seen,

and it's only a
two-hour drive upstate.

Oh, and they have
the worst security.

Then, I license 10 people
to sell the Sparkle Tap,

then they each license
10 more people,

and so on, and so on.

I get a cut from the
sale of each filter

and from the sale
of each license.

Incredible, huh?

Oh, it's... It's incredible.

Grab them.

But you know, Doug, last
year, when I was fired,

we came very close to
losing this house.

I mean, I owed a lot of money
to a lot of scary people.

But now, thanks to Sparkle
Tap, I've got a new job:

Walking to the mailbox
in my pajamas

and taking out checks from
people I don't even know.

Wow, that's...
That's great, man.

You really like the idea?

Yeah, I mean, you've obviously

got a great mind for business.

Thank you.

So you want to start
with 50 or 100 filters?

What? No, no, I didn't
mean that I wanted to...

I was just...

Just what? Just blowing smoke?

No. No, no. I didn't know...

Doug, if you don't think it's
a good idea, just say that.

Don't... don't humor me.

I'm not humoring you.

Oh, see, now it all makes sense

why you guys have
been avoiding us.

We're just the idiots
next door, right?

No, come on, Tim.
That's not true.

We love seeing you guys.

And this filter thing?
Hell of an idea.

Okay. Sorry.

So 50 or 100?

I think 50.

God, that was brutal. Capital
B, capital R... utal.

Well, I didn't...

I didn't think it was that bad.

Yeah? That's because
you weren't invited

on an upstate crime spree.

I gotta say, I'm
actually kind of glad

we went over there tonight.

Why? I don't know.

It gave me a chance

to get to know Tim a
little better, you know?

Did you know he
didn't learn to swim

till he was 23?

Really?

Remind me to send you a
picture of me yawning.

I'm just... Just saying, Carrie,

Tim's an interesting guy.

You know, he's a real go-getter.

Do you know he runs a
business out of his house?

If we hadn't gone
over there tonight,

I might not have, um...

Might not have what?

I might not have had

the very good
opportunity to, um...

Opportunity to, um, what?

To give him a $1000 check

to become a licensed
distributor.

You gave him $1000?
To distribute what?

Okay, you know what? First
of all, lose the attitude.

Second of all, water filters.

This is not happening.

Oh, yes, it is.

Doug, are you insane? You're
gonna sell water filters?

Yes, and the licenses
to sell them.

That's where the real money is.

No, the real money is now
in Tim's bank account.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

No, I know why they
separated us after dinner.

To pounce on the weak one.

Okay, yeah, I get it.

You're the genius and
I'm the moron, right?

"Duh, okay, I'll buy one."

"Oh, tell me about the rabbits."

"I will love him,
and I will pet him,

"and I will take
good care of him.

"Because you are
my friend, George.

He's my friend."

Let me tell you something, okay?

I know how to spot a good
thing when I see one, okay?

I happen to be very savvy.

Savvy? Savvy, yes.
I know that word.

Okay, Mr. Savvy.

Why don't you tell me

how you're gonna get rich
selling water filters?

Okay, try and stay
with me this time.

It's not the filters,
it's the licenses, okay?

The licenses. You see this here?

"Official Licensee." This
is all official stuff.

Take a look at it.

Yeah. Feel a little
silly now, don't you?

All right, get your pants on.

We're gonna go get
your money back.

Look. No, my pants are off
and they're staying off.

Doug, he duped you

into a stupid marketing scheme.

Okay, it is not a scheme.

It's a multi-level
marketing system, okay,

and it works.

All right, Tim's making
so much money now,

he doesn't even go
to work anymore.

He spends two to three days
at a time in his pajamas.

Oh, yeah? You know
who else does that?

The old and the mentally ill.

Tell that club

they're about to
get a new member.

Okay. Now try this one.

Well?

They taste the same.

Come on, Carrie. They
can't taste the same.

This one's tap water.

It's... It's full of, uh...

Where the hell is that thing?

Full of ammonia,
latex emulsions,

uh, lead, and look at this.

Benzene. Benzene, Carrie.

You know, it's not too late
to get your money back.

I don't want to, okay?

I can make some real
money here, Carrie.

Did you realize

that people spend an average of
$600 a year on bottled water?

Mm?

Well, that's 400 less
than you've spent,

and it's only May.

You know what? I... I
can't even listen to you.

That's... That's clearly
the benzene talking.

Morning, all.

Morning, Dad.

Hey, Arthur.

Can I interest you

in a freshly filtered
glass of water?

Water, huh?

All right, what the hell.
I'll have a glass.

Here we go. One delicious
glass of water coming up.

Well, spank me hard
and call me Rhonda.

This is one fine glass of H2O.

Oh, you think so? Huh.
How about that?

So, what is this contraption

that turns a glass of water

into nature's nectar?

It's the Sparkle
Tap water filter.

I'm, uh, selling them now.

Beautiful. If I had a sink,
I'd buy one for myself.

You know what? I
have a better idea.

You know people who do
have sinks, don't you?

I may or may not.
What's your angle?

I am now authorized
to sell you a license

that allows you to
sell these babies

to whoever you want.

This is me leaning
forward with interest.

All right, well, lean
back with interest

or have a mint.

So come on, now, son,
what's the deal with this?

Give me the skinny.

Okay, it's simple, okay.

I sell you the filters,

plus the licenses to
sell the filters,

then you find 10 people

and sell them the licenses.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Do you mind?

We're in the middle

of an important
business meeting.

Yes, I do.

You are not dragging
my father into this.

I'm not dragging him in.
He knows what he's doing.

He happens to be
very savvy as well.

Okay, now I'm convinced

you don't know what
that word means.

Excuse me, darling.

The last time I
checked, I was over 21

and capable of making
my own decisions.

Now, this is a fine product,

Douglas is a great guy,

and I'm going in on this.

There we go.

Fine, fine. Do what you want.

Ow!

Okay, Douglas.
What's the buy-in?

It's $1000. Uh-huh.

Very reasonable.

Unfortunately, I'm a
little cash-strapped.

Do you accept artwork?

Wow.

So you're telling me

there are actually pesticides
in our drinking water?

Frightening, but true.

But with this baby's
nano filtration system,

99% are filtered out.

Bye-bye, nasty pesticides.

Hello, tastier soups.

So, in other words,
I can make money...

And do something great
for your family's health

for only 1000 bucks.

Hey, I like what I'm hearing.

Hey, I'm in. Take a check?

Absolutely.

Okay, so Deac's
buying a license.

I've only got nine left.

Who's it gonna be? Peacock?
Come on.

Hey, Eddie?

What do you say, huh?
Come on, man.

Hey. Let's do it. All
right, you know what?

Take your time. Think it over.
Talk to the Mrs.

Sorry, man.

That's cool, man. They'll be back.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Give me my check.

Right. Sorry.

Not interested.

I'm not asking you
to buy anything.

Just try the water.

I'm not interested.

Just try it. It's delicious.

I don't want it.

How can you not want
a glass of water?

Drink it!

No, I won't. And
you can't make me.

You're gonna have to
take a pill eventually.

I'll wait you out.

Huh? Huh?

All right. I'll take a filter.

Yeah, what the hell.
I'll take one too.

I'm not asking you to
just buy a filter.

I'm asking you to buy
into a way of life.

I don't even want the filter.

Well, that you're committed to.
You said yes.

That's an oral contract.

So, what do you want from me?

I want you to be a licensed
Sparkle Tap salesman

and get rich.

Are you sure I'm gonna get rich?

Yes, I am.

Okay, I guess I'm in.

Don't be an idiot.
It's a pyramid scheme.

It is?

It is not a pyramid
scheme, and shut-ee!

How is it not a pyramid scheme?

You have a product of
little or no value,

and the only actual profit

comes from constantly
recruiting new members

which you inevitably run out of

and the whole thing collapses.

Don't make me
cactus-jack your ass.

Hey, Doug. Thanks again
for inviting me over.

Haven't heard from you in a
hell of a long time, guy.

Yeah. Yeah, we should call
each other more, you know?

Well... Well, I called you.

I... I left you a
bunch of messages.

Have you?

Carrie is heavy with that
delete finger, you know?

Not for me. Beep. Not for me.
Beep.

We've had some real
blow-outs about that.

Hey, no problem. The main
thing is we're here now.

Absolutely, man.

This is what it's all about.
Family.

Hey, cousin.

Hey.

All right. We got our snacks,

we got our movie, we got it all.

Well, wait a second. Beverages.

How do you feel about water?

It's about family, huh?

Yeah, as long as that family's
buying a water filter!

It filters out the impurities!

I don't care. I don't
like being used!

Oh, what, are you gonna make
pizzas your whole life?

Hey, it's better
than paying $1000

for a water filter.

No, no. That was
for the licenses!

Whatever!

So how's the water business?

Good, and getting better.

Cafiello, come on. You've
had time to think.

Hey, Voss. Voss, come on,
man, what do you say?

I bought cookies from your kid!

Come on, man.

Hey, Betcher. Come on.

You gave me a maybe.
What's up with that?

Come on, you gave me a maybe.

Oh, fine. Now I know why
your wife left you,

because you don't know a
good thing when you see it.

Yeah, that's right. I said it.

Yeah, you got a problem? You bring it.
Oh, my God.

Here's the deal.

You become part of the
Sparkle Tap team,

and I will convert
to your religion.

So you didn't sell one, huh?

Nope. In fact,

two of my samples were stolen.

Put that on my tab.

Sure, what's the difference?

Oh, boy.

When I was a younger
man, Douglas,

I could really close the deal.

They come in, I
turn on the charm,

and I'd make the
sale every time.

Yeah, what did you sell?

Gasoline.

I feel like such an idiot.

I swear, I wish there was a
pill I could take, go to sleep,

wake up two days from now like
none of this ever happened.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna take that pill.

See you Thursday.

Hey. How's business?

Well, let's see.

Your father got two
filters stolen,

I crushed one in my bare hands,

and the rest are in the garage.

It's over.

Look. You took a shot
and it didn't work out.

I think the lesson here is...
Don't take any more shots.

Come on.

On the brighter side,

we have some nice clean
drinking water, right?

Actually, I took the filter off.

The water started
coming out black.

I can't believe it.

I let Tim make
such a fool of me.

And you know what? I'm
going over there.

Good. Good. Go.

Yeah, yeah, and I got news for you.
You know what?

I'm not gonna just make him
give me my money back.

I'm gonna tell him those
two filters that I lost,

they're coming out of
his pajama pocket.

Ooh, baby. You're turning me on.

Oh, I know I am, Pokémon.

Then get over there. Get
over there and hurry back.

Yeah, I'll be back
in five minutes,

after I set him straight.

Tim?

Tim?

And, you know, this is when

your little one's
bones are forming,

so you want to make
sure your water

is as pure as possible.

And I bet you have a lot of
little friends at school

that want clean
water, don't you?

Don't you?