The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 2, Episode 21 - Big Dougie - full transcript

Man, nothing is on.

Oh, forget it.

What have you got here?

What have you got, a magazine?

That is a magazine, yes.

What kind of magazine?

Some kind of women's magazine?

Oh, 50 reasons men suck.

This... This is brutal. Brutal.

How's your book? Funny? Sad?

Annoying... Much like yourself.



Ooh, cat has claws.

Well, you know what?
Now the book is mine.

Stop! Stop it! Give it back!

Oh, oh, little woman.
Try to get it...

Can't, from the big man.
Can't, from the big man.

Doug, stop. Doug!

All right, now get it, you doof.

I'll get it. I'll find it.
I'll find it!

I'll find it.

Where is it? It's just in here.
Just come to Dougie.

All right, let me just...

Oh, my God, it just...
Can you...

Oh, my God.

Carrie, something's got my arm!
Oh, God!



Carrie, Carrie, Carrie,
my mother was wrong!

There are monsters
under the bed!

Save yourself.

Ah, I can get it.

I can't reach it. Uh!

You had coffee
tonight, didn't you?

Howdy-do.

Hey, man, how was your morning?

Good. Real good.

I don't know why, but I started
waving at people today.

You know, see 'em on the corner,

throw 'em a little, "Hey!"

They waving back?

Not really, no.

Ahh...

Ahh.

Hey, listen, uh... I'm
throwing together

a wiffle-ball
challenge on Sunday.

A little barbecue,
a little beer.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's BYO everything.

Actually, I can't make it.

What do you mean,
you can't make it?

Why? What's up?

What, you gotta stay home
with the wife and kiddies?

Oh, I get it. That
means I'm whipped.

Heh. Good one. No, um...

It's not family stuff.

No? What is it?

I've got something to do.
It's an obligation.

Oh, yeah? You gotta get
your skirt hemmed, huh?

Your legs waxed?

That's another good one.

Come on, what's going on, then?
No, I just got something to do.

What could you have to do

that's better than smacking
around a hollow ball

with a bunch of
drunken idiots, huh?

I'm a Big Brother.

Really?

Yeah, I have a kid I hang
out with on Sundays.

How long have you
been doing this?

For a few years.

A few years? Mm-hmm.

You never said
anything about it.

Ah, it's no big deal.

It's just something
I do, you know?

That's good. That's good.

It's good to reach out.

I wave at people.

Oh, I didn't think I was
ever gonna get out of there.

They had to depose
one guy in Jamaica,

so 14 lawyers fly down.

But did I get to go?

No, that little perk is
reserved for the secretaries

who will actually
have sex with them.

Make your own breaks, honey.

So how was your day?

It was good. Yeah?

It was good, yeah.

Care...

Do you think I'm a
worthless sack of crap?

Why? Have you been
reading my diary?

I'm serious, okay?

No. Come on, what
brought this on?

I was talking to Deacon today,

and it turns out
he's a Big Brother.

You just realized that today?

I don't mean he's
a big "bruthah".

I mean he's a Big Brother.

He's got a kid and they
hang out together,

they do stuff like shoot
hoops and things like that.

Oh, that's nice.

I know it's nice.

It's much nicer than
anything I've ever done.

Oh, come on.

It is. I mean...

We don't do anything like that.
What do we do?

Well, I do the canned food drive

for the homeless.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So you're saying
it's just me, then.

No, I'm not saying anything.

Just that I do the food drive.

Ah, I make me sick.

I mean, look how lucky
we are, you know?

Look what we got.

We got chairs, curtains,
bowls on the wall...

Couldn't a hungry kid be
eating out of that bowl?

That's a light fixture.

Still, a hungry child could
be eating out of it.

But no, no, no, I've got
to have my precious light.

So do something, Doug.
Become a Big Brother.

I know, I should.

It's just... My schedule.
I don't have the time.

Honey... Sweetie...

You flick a lot of cards.

That's my hobby.

Honey, I'm just saying,

Deacon has the same
exact job you do,

and two kids,

and he manages to find the time.

I know, and he doesn't even
tell anybody about it.

He's not even in it
for the publicity.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Doug.

Doug Pruzan.

He's one of the lawyers
from the Jamaica trip.

I'm sorry about that.
Yeah, what's up?

Oh, you know what?

The document didn't
come in till after 6,

so I'll get it notarized
in the morning.

Yeah. Okay. Got it.

Okay, Doug. I love you. Bye.

Did I just tell Doug
Pruzan that I loved him?

Mm-hmm.

Do you?

No! I said "Doug,"

and then the "I love you"

just slipped out
right behind it.

So call him back.

I can't. He was calling
me from the plane.

Well, it's noisy in
there, you know.

Maybe he didn't hear you or
understand what you said.

Well, what if he did?

Then love him the best you can.

What's up?

Ah, nothing much.

Just filling out my application
to become a Big Brother.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, gonna be a Big Bro.

Have a Little Bro. Do bro stuff.

All right. I guess I rubbed
off on you a little, huh?

Yeah, a little.

Well, welcome to the ranks.
Thanks.

"Douglas S. Heffernan."

What's your middle name?

Steven.

Huh.

What's yours?

John.

Hmm.

Whoa. They want you to commit
to once a week for a year?

Yeah, that's the normal thing.

Wow. Can't I take this kid
out for a test drive?

You know, throw him
up on the lift,

make sure he's not
rusty underneath?

Kidding, man. I'm kidding.

You know it's a serious
commitment, right?

Yeah, I know. You think
I don't know that?

Well, it's just, you gotta
follow through with this.

I mean, this can't be
like when you said

you were gonna have
washboard abs by Christmas.

Hey, I would've

if I hadn't gotten the flu.

Uh, excuse me, Doug.

Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, Carrie.

So I go all those
papers notarized,

and it's on its way to
Claybourne's office.

Great. Thank you.

Yeah.

Is that it?

Well, uh, yeah.

I just wanted to make sure
that you know that I heard you

when you asked me to
do all that stuff.

Because, you know,

airplane phones... wow.

The connection was fine.

So, then, you heard me... okay?
All the way through?

I think so. Yeah.

Even, like, at the end,

where I might have said
something a little weird?

Like what?

Like, uh... possibly...
"I love you" or...

So you did say it? Huh. Yeah.

Thought I imagined that.

Yeah, did you? Yeah,
how about that?

Anyway, the thing is, I
gotta tell you some...

Oh, Doug, come on. We've got
to get the conference room.

The depo's starting.

Oh, okay, I'm coming.
Um, we should talk.

Let's put a pin in this.

Yeah, quick... quick thing...

I'm sorry. I have to go.

Uh, we definitely should
talk later, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Don't... Don't love you, Doug.

Little Bro time.

All right, you know what?

The kid doesn't have a father.

He probably doesn't care
where the pillows are.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, hey.

I just got off work.

Wanted to see if you wanted
to grab a slice of 'za

and go catch the Knicks game.

Okay, first of all,

calling pizza, 'za stopped
being cool in '82.

Second of all, I can't.

Oh. Fine. All right, see you.

I guess you probably want
to know why I can't.

Uh, no, that's okay.

I'm sure you have a good reason.

I do have a good reason. I
got a damn good reason.

So stop riding me, okay? Can't.

All right. What's up with you?

Fine. I will tell you, okay?

Signed up to be a Big Brother.

You? Well, good for you.

Yeah. Yeah, my Little Brother's
on his way over right about now.

Just thought I'd boomerang
a little back to society.

It's what I do. Yeah...

You know, Deacon's
a Big Brother...

but doesn't advertise it.

Doug?

Oh, hey, Barbara. Good
to see you again.

You. Goodbye.

Doug, I'd like you to meet your
new Little Brother, Jason.

Hey, there he is.
Kiddo, what's up?

I'm Doug, man. How are you?

Hi.

Jason, your mom will
pick you up at 5, okay?

Mm-hmm.

All right. Have fun.

Yeah. Take care.

So, you're Jason, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, have a seat, man.
Take a load off.

Yeah, sit back. All right.

Brothers.

Big, little.

This is great, huh?

I guess.

Hey, you want to go
to the batting cages?

You know, grab a couple heroes?

You like batting cages?

Not really.

Okay, how about the heroes?
You like heroes?

Nah.

Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
That's all right.

We'll just chill out
here then, you know?

The two of us.

Yeah.

Oh, I am spraying way
too much whipped cream

on this thing.

Yeah, crazy how much whipped
cream's on here, huh?

Yeah...

You want to watch this?

I don't care.

Oh, how about this? Ants, huh?

They got a whole
world going on...

just below the surface.

Well, thanks.

Okay, yeah, This was great.
This was terrific, man.

I'll see you next week. Yee-haw!

Okay, one week down, 51 to go.

Hey. Hey.

So, so, how'd it go with
your little brother?

Did you hit it off?
Did you bond?

Uh, yeah, about that.

I want to run something by you,

and keep an open mind.

What?

I'm not sure, but I'm...

leaning towards dumping
my little brother.

What are you talking about?

I think I got a bad one.
I did, I got a bad kid.

Bad? Bad, how?

What, did he pull
a knife on you?

A knife would have been great.
I would have loved a knife.

At least it would have
ended the afternoon early.

I'm telling you, I got nothing
from this kid. Nothing.

Well, even so, you
can't just bail.

I mean, this is
not like the time

when you ordered
that ab-roller thing

and you wound up...

I got the flu!

BOY: Ohh!

Oh, body blow! Body blow!

Oh, you have dishonored me.

Now I must kill you.

Hello, uncle. Welcome
to Hong Kong.

MAN'S VOICE: Come on, Stu!

Oh, my dad's here. I gotta go.

Oh, uh, really? Okay,
Stu, take it easy, man.

Hey, I'm here every Sunday!

Hey, how's that pretzel
working out for you?

Fine.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, buddy, what are
you doing here, man?

I figured I'd give Eddie
a little whupping

at "Mortal Kombat".

Hey, man, you're the
one that's going down.

That's big talk from 4
feet off the floor. What?

Oh, man! Oh.

So how's it going with you guys?

Are you kidding me?
It's going great.

Yeah, it's going good.

We're just taking a
breather right now.

But earlier, we were getting
wild, weren't we? Whoo, whoo...

Ow! Sorry.

Are you all right?
You all right?

I'm sorry. He's gonna be okay.

He's good. He's good. He's good.

I got a tough guy.
Got a tough guy.

Hey, you know what?
We should hang out,

The four of us some time.
What do you say?

Hey, that would be great, man.
Yeah.

Maybe we could do
some kid-swap thing.

You know, you take
mine, I take yours.

How about Sunday?

Can't do it next Sunday.

Eddie and I are running a 10K

to raise money for
heart disease.

10K? That sounds cool.

We would totally be into it too,

except that I have... I've
got a medical condition.

I'm huge.

Plus, I don't think that's
your sort of thing,

is it, J-man?

Actually, my dad died
of heart disease.

You don't say.

A marathon. Yeah. Good idea.

Okay, it's not a marathon.
It's a 10K.

Do you even know
how long a K is?

No. Do you?

No, but if it's
longer than a foot,

you're in trouble, buddy.

I can do it.

Doug, you once considered

putting a chair halfway
up the stairs.

Do you realize this kid's
father died of heart disease?

Yeah, and how is your
dying gonna help that?

My body won't let me die.

I'll vomit and pass out
way before that happens.

Come on, I'm serious.

You're the one who wanted me to
try to break through to him.

Can't you do something else?

Can't you guys go
skateboarding or...

Get pierced?

I know what I'm doing, okay? And
I'm gonna finish this race.

I don't care if I have to
slither across the finish line

with my nipples.

Just back it off, okay?

I'm about to ratchet
up the tension.

Save a little for tomorrow.

Carrie. Hi.

Oh, hey, Doug.

This a good time to talk?

Yes, yes, it's perfect.

So, Carrie...

Where are we at here?

Uh, here... here...
Here's the thing, Doug.

I hope you don't
think I'm an idiot,

but my husband's
name is also Doug,

so when I was on the phone
with you, when I said "Doug",

the words "I love you",

they just came out
automatically, you see?

Like, ah-choo and God bless you.
They're a team.

That's what this was?

Yup. So... don't love you.

Well, I was on the plane
and you said that,

and I was like, whoa,
where'd that come from?

Right, right. It's a funny
story though, right?

Yeah, it's funny.

Well, I guess I shouldn't
have dumped my fiancée

and gotten us
Springsteen tickets.

Guess not.

Wow. Fourth row.

Um... I gotta make a phone call.

Nice butt, though.

RACE ANNOUNCER:
Attention, please.

The race will start
in one minute.

All runners, please make
sure you're checked in

and proceed to the
starting area.

All right, we got...
We got a minute.

So let's, uh, let's start
to get loose here, okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna show you
a couple stretches

I learned from my varsity
football days...

Many moons ago.

Oh, speaking of moons, I
better hike these up.

Remember, crack kills.

All right, first stretch here

is gonna stretch out
the hamstrings, okay?

Now, just stretch it down
and feel the stretch.

Just get into it, you know?

You feel... Aah! God!

Let's go with the hands.
Just shake the hands.

Look, man, you don't have to
do this if you don't want to.

I want to do this. Believe me.
Hey, you know what?

I was gonna run
10Ks today anyway.

Might as well stamp out a
disease at the same time.

Hey, there you are.
You guys made it.

Yeah.

Wow. You're really
punishing that lycra.

Hey, somebody's looking,
I know that much.

RACE ANNOUNCER: Runners,

to the starting
positions, please.

Hey, want to run together?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I got to warn you, though,

they slipped me a few bucks
to be the rabbit today.

RACE ANNOUNCER: Runners,
on your marks...

All right. Feels good.

Pushing it to the limit.

How far we gone?

Just under a K.

All right.

I would have thought a
little more, but... okay.

Time to start pacing myself.

DOUG: Okay, stay focused.

You can do this.

All right, the pain
is all in your mind.

It's all in your mind.

Although the nosebleed,
that was definitely real.

And the shin splints,
those are angry.

Whoop. Just threw up a little.

Doug!

What are you doing here?

I am worried about you.

Come on, stop it. This is crazy.

I'm fine. Leave me alone.

Doug, you're gonna
have a heart attack.

And this is a race
against heart disease!

So? It'll be a push.

Come on, just get in the car.

Look, look. I have soda.

I'm finishing this thing.

Fine. I'll meet you
at the finish line.

Are those my shorts?

No! Drive away!

Hey, buddy.

Just taking a break.

You don't look so good.

Are you kidding me? I'm fine.

I wish I wasn't laying
on a rock, but I'm fine.

I got you something.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

I think you're gonna
have to help me up.

Yeah... All right.

Oh... Okay. Oh.

So, uh, how'd you do?

I did pretty good.

I was, like, 48th or something.

48th? Are you kidding me?

I'm proud of you, Jason.
That's unbelievable.

Thanks.

Unbelievable.

That's good. That's
really good, 48.

You could have come
in, like, 56 or 60,

and that would have
still been good.

That's real, real good.

You should be proud of yourself.

You're a winner.

Yeah. All right.

Honey!

I'm sick!