The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 24 - Art House - full transcript

What are you doin'?

I'm sittin' over here today.

Why?

I don't know.
I never sit here.

It's a new perspective.

Whatever.

OK, enough. Could you
just come sit over here?

I want to stay here.
I like it.

♪ Do-do-do-do-
do-do-dai ♪

I got a new seat.

♪ Da-da-ba-da-ba-da ♪



OK, fine.

Ahem.

Ah, this is nice.

You can be so petty sometimes.

Oh, my God,
could it be any hotter?

Brutal. Come here, this
helps a little, come here.

So, how was your day?

It was good.
How was yours?

It was good.

Ooh, "zesty parmesan."
When did you get that?

Last time I went shopping.

I also got those
vegetable potstickers.

Do you like those?

Mmm, not so much.



Oh.

OK, I think I'm getting
freezer burn.

Honey, tell me,

do I have the word
"pushover" on my forehead?

No. But you do have
some kind of sauce.

You're not gonna believe this.

This afternoon, I was at
that cute little spot

where I like to throw bread
crumbs to the birds.

Petland?

Right.

So, right next door
at the thrift shop,

I saw this beautiful armoire

which would be
perfect for my room,

so I bought it.

Oh, good. Maybe now you
can unroll your suits

and hang 'em up.

Not so fast.

This is where the story
takes an ugly turn.

After we agreed on the price,

he drops a delivery
charge on me.

15 bananas!
That's a lot of clams.

Dad, that's nothing.
Just pay it.

Oh, I'm not gonna do that.

The deal was made
and he reneged!

I mean, what am I?

A sap, a sucker,
a butter-and-egg man?

Douglas, what are the
chances I could borrow

your delivery truck
tomorrow, huh?

Mmm, I'm thinking somewhere
in the zero range.

Uh-huh. Wednesday,
then?

Arthur, let me explain
something to you.

The truck doesn't belong to me,

it belongs to the
International Parcel Service.

That's why you couldn't borrow
it for your paper route,

and that's why you can't
borrow it for this.

Dad, look, here's $15.

Just have them
deliver it. Please.

Oh, that would be easy,
wouldn't it?

Yes. Easy.
Easy is good.

Sorry, sweetheart,
but if I took your money

I would never be able to
face the man in the mirror.

The scary thing is,

he's not talking about himself.

♪ Just a little bit ♪

♪ r-e-s-p-e-c-t ♪

♪ Find out what
we're gonna be ♪

♪ R-e-s-b-b-b-b,
everybody's in my tree ♪

♪ Sock it to me,
sock it to me ♪

♪ sock it to me,
sock it to me ♪

♪ a little respect

♪ whoa, babe,
a little respect ♪

♪ just a little bit ♪

♪ talking 'bout ♪

♪ just a little bit ♪

♪ keep on tryin' ♪

♪ just a little bit ♪

Give us a break, will you?

We only got one good
hip between us!

Lift with your legs.

Oh, don't tell me how to lift.

Well, it seems as though
fate took a hand, huh?

Yeah.

It would've been simpler
if you agreed

to move my armoire
in the first place,

but it's a good lesson
for next time.

Cookie?

Don't mind if I do.

Mickey, I told you to
stop opening packages.

Oh, did ya? This
hearing aid is crap.

I heard "stop
making sausages."

And why would I say that?

Heffernan!

What the hell is going on?

I'm getting calls
left and right

from customers
waiting for drop-offs.

What's that?
That Howard stern fella?

It's Howard stern. He's
talking directly to me.

I'm sorry supervisor O'Boyle,

see, I got caught up in a
little unexpected delay.

Delay?

Yeah, the thing
is I... I...

i... I... I... I don't give
a flying crap.

Just unplug your head
from your butt

and get the route done.

Absolutely, sir. I'm
gonna be... Arthur!

How dare you talk
to that man like that.

Arthur.

Who is this?

This is your worst
nightmare, friend.

I was in the U.S. army,
33rd brigade,

and I'm telling you
to step off.

Yeah?

Well, I was
in the 42nd brigade.

42nd, huh?

Pretty tough bunch.

You're on your own here.

Oh, what a wuss.

Shut up, old man.

Oh, you are home.

What are you doing in here?

I...I can't go
in that house.

If I... if I'm in the same
building with him,

I'll... I'll do something.

Something unholy involving
him and that armoire.

Doug, just relax.

What happened with
your boss today?

He reamed me out in front
of the entire office!

And then he assigned me

to package-sorting duty
for a week.

Package sorting. He might as
well have thrown a wig on me

and called me Sally.

All right, Doug, listen,
I will go downstairs,

and I will talk to my dad. I'll
just tell him he's gotta...

gotta what? What? What?
Stop being a lunatic?

I will start there, yes.

Listen, honey, I'm gonna
ask you a question here,

and I don't want you to
take this the wrong way.

Does anyone else
know he's here?

Stop. Come on, it just
seems worse than it is

because it's, like,
100 degrees in here

and you've been breathing in
a lot of paint thinner.

Now, let's just go inside

and take a nice cool shower.

Mmm, keep talkin'.

I'll let you videotape it.

Oh, sorry, darling, I didn't
realize you were... you were home.

Hi, daddy.

Heard you and Doug had a
little adventure today.

Indeed we did. And on
that note, Douglas,

there's something
that needs to be said.

I'm listening.

You put a nasty little
Nick in my armoire.

That's what needs to be said?

OK, you know what? Why don't
you come inside, dad?

I'll make you a nice
baked apple. Come on.

I realize you were distracted

by your boss' hurtful
comments about your weight,

but you might be a little bit
more careful in the future.

Your customers may not
be as forgiving as I am.

Baked apple, right this way.

Arthur, do... do you
understand at all

that you almost got me canned?

You know, it's bad enough

that you trounce
all over my home,

do you have to trounce
on my job, too?

That's too much trouncing.

Oh, you think this living
arrangement is easy for me?

You think I like walking
around here on eggshells?

Eggshells? Is that what we've been
getting here for the past few...

eggshells?
You on eggshells?

Well, thank you
for holding back!

All right, enough.
The both of you.

Now, let's all just go inside,

I will make you a baked apple,

I will take a shower...

reverse that. Let's
just all go inside.

Douglas, obviously my living
here is very unpleasant for you.

Perhaps I should make
some other arrangements.

Dad, stop it.

No, no, no, no. I'm interested.
Go on.

Where would you go? Where would you go?
Come on, come on.

Where would you go?
I have options.

Options? Oh, so
there are several

mental institutions wooing you?

So, I'm just a crazy old man
who can't hack it on my own,

is that what you think?

Yes.

That's not stopping.

Well, let me tell you
something, Douglas.

I've been on my own
since I was 17.

I could take care
of myself then,

and I can take care
of myself now.

Where'd that door go?

It's over here, dad.

Fine. I'm gonna
get my things.

I'll be staying at Mickey's

until I can find a more
permanent situation!

Oh, my God!

God!

Doug, was that
really necessary?

What are you talkin' about?

Why did you have
to provoke him?

Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm
the bad guy here, huh?

He gets to do
whatever he wants.

I say one little comment

about how he should be
in a mental institution,

and I'm the big provoker.

Yes.

Doug, come on, you know him,
you know the way he is.

He's like a 75-year-old
2-year-old.

You can't let him pull you in.

You just gotta nod and smile

and hang his drawings
up on the refrigerator.

Have you seen his
drawings, by the way?

Scary stuff.

Come on, sweetie, could
you just go downstairs

and say you're sorry?

No.
Doug.

Carrie, no, I'm tired
of it, all right?

That basement was my TV room,
my fort, you know?

And I gave it up to him 'cause
he didn't have a place to live.

And if he can't
appreciate that,

well, you know what?
Let him move out.

Doug, what do you
want me to say?

That he's crazy?

That he makes you crazy?

That he's a strain
on our marriage?

I admit all of that.

Now, go beg him to stay.

All right, that's it.

I've taken only what
I came here with

and some hand towels.

A-Arthur?

Yes?

Look,

I'm sorry.

I like having you here,

and we want you to stay.

Oh, I see Dr. Jekyll
has returned.

Frankly, Douglas,

your mood swings
are frightening.

Case in point.
Goodbye.

I'll send for my armoire!

Ahh.

That's nice.

Sweet.

Comin' back to papa.

Oh, yeah, feels good.

Sassy.

Bring it, baby.

Uh, guys, why is the fan
stopping short of me?

'Cause we angled it that way.

That's... that's
not fair.

Hey, there's only enough
oscillation for 3 guys.

Just have another Popsicle.

I've had 6.

You know, y'all keep
treating me this way,

I could very well
leave the group.

I'm not kidding. There
are some guys at work

that have shown some
serious interest in me.

I'm gonna let that sink in...

While I get another Popsicle.

Ahem.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Arthur.

No, Carrie's not here.

It's just me and the guys.

Fine. Hold on.

He says he wants
to talk to anyone

whose name doesn't
rhyme with "uglas."

I'll take it.

Hello?

Hang on.

He wants me to ask you
how you're doing.

I'm fine.

He's fine.

He says, "I don't care.
Ha, ha, ha."

Is that it?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, sure.

All right, take it easy.

What?

He moved into his own
apartment yesterday.

Are you kidding me?
No.

He' s having a housewarming
party tomorrow

and Carrie's invited,
plus a guest.

I c-can't believe it.
He's actually doing this.

We figured he'd be back
here in a couple days,

but he actually moved out.

He's really gone.

Oh, I owe you one, big guy.

All right, careful.
Careful...

My finger's getting crushed.

Hey. It's just
a finger, OK?

This is an entire
entertainment system,

so suck it up.

Can we get some room over here?

You're not even
holding any of it.

I'm guiding it.

Hey. You ladies wanna
settle that, huh?

Spence's nose is
starting to bleed.

Thank you.

Doug?

Hi, honey.
Hi, Carr'.

My finger.

What's going on?

Why are you moving
the TV back downstairs?

Oh, get ready for
some great news.

Your dad found
his own apartment.

What?

Yeah, he called
about a half hour ago.

Boy, the old fella sure
showed us a thing or 2, huh?

OK, next 2 steps, let's go.

Wait a minute.
What?

I don't know what stupid
thing my father's up to,

but he can't live on his own!

You said that yourself!

Yeah, but I was wrong.
Give the guy some credit.

OK, this is wreaking havoc

with my one descended
testicle here.

God, he's probably
sitting in a tiny room

all by himself, with roaches,

cooking on a hot plate,

listening to his
crappy little radio...

Hey, it's a nice radio, hon'.

How could I even let him leave?

I'm his daughter.

I'm supposed to be
taking care of him.

C-come on, honey,
he's gonna be fine.

I love you.

What are we doing here?
Up or down?

I don't know.

Deke, go see what she's
doing in the kitchen, huh?

How you doing?

She's sitting at the table.

And?

Crying.
But not hard.

Back up, back up.

Honey, it's a housewarming.

I still say we should've
brought something.

If not a plant, at least a pie.

Doug, we are not going
for a housewarming.

We are going there to tell
him, without fighting,

that he can't live like this

and he has to come home.

Fine.

I can't see
how a pie would hurt.

Welcome!

Hey, Arthur.

So, darling, what do you think?

Dad, I... I want you
to come home.

You can't live like this.

Honey, come on,
there's an omelet bar.

I gotta tell you,

the man throws a great party.

I had no idea he could
play the piano like that.

Mmm-hmm.

Come on, honey, cheer up. This
is a great situation for him.

He was living in a basement,

now he's got a

deluxe apartment in the

♪ sky 7

I don't understand why
you're not happy for him.

I am. I just...
I feel guilty.

About what?

Well, he was with us
for a year,

and I had a real chance to get
closer to him and I didn't.

I just blew him off.

No.

Doug, there are some days

that all I said to him
was, "good morning."

And not even
a full "good morning."

It was more like
a "g'morning."

I couldn't even
give him the "ood."

Do you know that there
was one day last week

that I actually hid from him?

Hey, who hasn't?

Now, come on,
this is good, right?

I mean, we got our life back.

Oh, I know.

It's good, I guess.

Hey, I know what'll put
a smile on your face.

How about I go splash those
people at that bus stop.

Well, if you're gonna do it,
you're gonna have to speed up.

All I'm saying is

in Europe, women's
breasts are no big deal.

They lie topless
on the beach all day,

and men don't even care.

You ever stop to think that European
guys just pretend not to care

so the women will
take their tops off?

Yeah.

This way they get to sip coffee

and stare at boobies
all day long.

Boobies?

That's interesting. You think
that would work on women here?

Nah, it would take
too many years

to fool women into thinking
that we don't care.

Although, it would be something
nice to do for future generations.

Yeah.

I'd like my son to grow up
in that kind of world.

Well, I'm out of here.

I gotta go back
to the firehouse.

Yeah, I gotta roll, too.

Oh, uh, one of you
give me a ride?

Yeah, sure, you can
hop in the trunk.

Remember Friday night,

uh, Mets-Braves,
right here, OK?

Oh, hey, and we're breaking in the
George foreman healthy grill,

so bring your chopped meat.

Douglas?

Hey, Arthur.
What brings you by?

Uh, in my haste to pack,

I inadvertently took
a 3-pronged adapter.

I believe this is yours.

We were worried.
Thank you.

Hey, can I get you a beer?

Sure. That's what
the air bags are for.

By the way, I'm glad
you could make it over

to my soiree the other night.

Well, thanks for the invite.
I had a great time.

Ah, you really knocked 'em
dead with the charades.

Of course, you, uh, lucked out

with the
"Jake and the fatman."

Yeah, I really
caught a break, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The old room.

This really takes me back.

So, how are you and Carrie
doing since I left?

Great.
We're doing fine.

You sure? 'Cause sometimes
someone moves out,

and everything
gets out of whack.

Trust me,
everything's in whack.

Good.

'Cause if my leaving
caused any problems,

I'd move right back in.

Hey, you'd have
to kill me first.

Ah, no, seriously, Arthur,

I'm, you know, I'm
really happy for you.

You found your own apartment

and, uh, I hope you enjoy it.

Speaking of the apartment,

any chance you could lend me
$1,700 a month indefinitely?

What?

I may have over-leveraged
myself a bit

in getting that place.

What are you saying?
You can't afford it?

Mmm, not at
the present time, no.

Although, I have
an idea for something

that could make millions,

if a lot of left-handed
people are willing

to give me a weekend
of their time.

What is wrong with you?

Why did you take a place
that you can't pay for?

I wanted to prove that you were wrong.
That I could live on my own.

But you couldn't.

Only because I didn't
have the money.

Well, that's a big part

of the "living
on your own" package.

Fair enough.

Now that we agree on that,

let's talk about
my moving back in.

When will your truck
be available?

Douglas?

So, you want to move
back in, huh?

That would be real convenient
for you, wouldn't it?

You leave for a few days,

you bounce around the
outside world for a while

like that bird who's
"cuckoo for cocoa puffs",

and then you just
waltz back in.

Well, you know what, Arthur?

Take my basement back.

It's yours. You know what?
Fine, take it.

And while you're at it,

why don't you take
the TV, too?

And... and the fussball
table,

and, uh, hey, the couch.

It yours.
It's all yours.

Hey, take my mustard-stained
Jets blanket, huh?

Oh, and... and my
baseball encyclopedia,

oh, and my x-rated video
with the label,

"bad news bears go to Japan",

so Carrie won't notice it.

Take it all, Arthur!

Hey, what else can
I get for you?

Hey, do you want the flooring?

'Cause I could rip up
the carpet.

Come on, what else
can I give you?

How 'bout my kidneys?
Come on, I have 2.

What the hell,
take 'em both, Arthur!

God, why should I
have anything, right?

All I do is
go to work every day

and pay my mortgage on time.

And when it's not on time,

it's certainly within
the grace period!

But I guess that means
nothing. Nothing!

And you know what?
That's fine.

I'll just be a guy
going through life

with no basement

and no kidneys!

OK, keep doing it.
You got it. You got it.

All right,
shimmy it up, will you?

For God's sake,
lift with your legs.