The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 25 - Maybe Baby - full transcript
Doug and Carrie consider having a baby.
Are you close to moving?
Sorry, pal, I takes my time.
Dad, Doug and I are going
to Deacon and Kelly's.
I left some dinner for
you in the fridge, OK?
Fine.
You ready, babe?
Just one more move,
if he ever decides to move.
Keep your shirt on.
OK, let's go.
Oh, no, here comes the bear!
He's after us!
He's gaining on us!
Quick, where do we hide?
Where do we hide?
In the house!
All right.
Quick, get in.
Oh, no, the bear's in here!
He's on me!
He's on the big guy!
Help me!
Help the big guy!
Again, again!
Oh, please, God, no.
Kirby, that's enough
for tonight, my man.
No, I wanna play.
All righty, come on. One more, one more.
Let's go.
Yay!
You see, that's the problem
when we come here.
Doug gets overexcited, and
then he'll get cranky and cry
when I try to put him
to bed, it's a mess.
Well, then, I better warn you.
Pretty soon there's going to be
another little playmate
for Doug around here.
What?
I thought we weren't
going to tell anyone yet.
Oh, I just said that so you
wouldn't tell your mother.
I got one in the oven.
Ah, that's great!
Congratulations, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Hey, good job, big fella.
You are the father, right?
We're pretty sure.
Doug, did you hear?
Kelly's pregnant.
Yeah, I already knew.
Deacon told me.
W-we were chatting.
He asked about your uterus.
What was I gonna say?
So, what about you guys, huh?
When you gonna
have one of these?
Ah, you know,
one of these days.
Ah, no, no, no!
He's got me!
Oh, gosh!
God, that kid
is getting so cute.
He was singing along with every
song on the lion king video.
Were you watchin'?
Actually, I was
watching you sing along.
I was humming, all right,
just to be supportive.
So, admit it, Doug.
Admit what?
You want a kid.
Carrie, that's not why
I brought it up.
I'm not saying that's
why you brought it up.
I'm just saying that watching
you tonight with Kirby,
it was pretty obvious
that you want a kid.
Well, I'll admit
I want that kid.
Come on, Doug, be serious.
Don't you think we should
talk about, you know,
if we wanna have a baby?
I thought I was forbidden
from bringing it up.
OK, well, I'm bringing it up.
All right. You wanna do the
pros and cons thing again?
Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
OK.
OK.
Pros and cons of having a baby.
Pro side.
OK.
Well, we'd have a baby.
That's a pro, right?
No, actually, last time you
wouldn't let me list it as a pro.
Pretty much left us
with nothin'.
OK, so now it's a pro.
Progress, right?
Absolutely. All right, let's
get the cons out there.
OK.
Well, being pregnant
is no picnic.
Lot of throwin' up,
not sleeping.
Not being able
to smoke or drink.
You can handle it.
And then there's
the birth itself.
Squeezing out something
the size of a football.
I don't know who
thought that one up.
I'll be right there
with you the whole time
saying "push" or "pull."
Also I read that your hipbones
spread, like, 3 inches
and never come back.
Been there, done that.
And, you know, I'd... I'd have to
take a leave of absence from work,
so I'd never have any
shot at making paralegal.
Well, that's true,
but you know what...
and then with a kid,
you got those
middle-of-the-night breast feedings,
poopy diapers, ear infections,
OK.
Making him do his homework,
trying to get him off drugs...
would you stop?
OK, how about this?
We leave it in the
hands of the gods.
If I make the light,
we're having a baby.
OK. That certainly beats
rational discussion.
OK, here we go.
Still green.
All right, you're slowing down.
I'm going the speed limit.
You never go the speed limit!
Would you stop?
I'm doing this.
Well, that's that.
Sorry.
Look, it's still green.
Would you relax?
I'm not ready to have
a baby, all right?
I...I know, Mr. Felson.
But the problem was that
our computers went down
before I could e-mail
the memo to you.
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
bill gates is gonna get
a piece of my mind.
You're right.
That... that's not funny.
OK. The memo's
on its way. Bye.
Oh, hey, Carrie.
Heard Felson never
got his memo.
Just sent it, John.
What a little freak.
Really.
I just need him to lose
a little more hair,
and then we can kick in
with the bald jokes.
I'll tell you, there's gonna
be no living with him
now that he got
bumped to paralegal.
What?
They promoted him yesterday.
You didn't hear?
No.
Him?
Are you kidding me?
Can you believe it? I mean, you'd
be so much better than him.
The partners are just stupid.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Carr'.
I thought you knew.
Carrie? Yeah, they're
screaming for more bagels
in the conference room.
Should I tell them you're
having coffee or...
No. I will do it.
All right.
Hey, how's it going?
You don't wanna know.
You're probably right.
Hey!
I was gonna finish it all.
Guess what?
What?
I have some really
exciting news.
What?
We're gonna have a baby!
What? I thought you were
using that frisbee thing.
No. I mean I decided
I wanna have a baby.
Look. I went
to the drugstore,
and I got the ovulation
kit, a home pregnancy test.
Oh, and I got you one of these.
Nothing to do
with being pregnant,
but I know you like them, so...
I know you've been waiting
for me to come around.
Are you happy?
Yeah, sure, I just...
Wh-what brought this on
all of a sudden?
Doug, at work today,
it just hit me.
I was like, what the hell
am I doing, you know?
I've been giving my life
to these putzes,
hoping if I work
hard enough and smile,
that they'll throw me a bone.
But what really matters is us:
Our life, our family.
Really?
Yeah. So I'm gonna take the
ovulation test in the morning,
and that'll tell me
when I'm ready to rock.
Now, should I go get a
stud, or are you with me?
I'm fairly sure
I can handle it.
Let's make a Heffernan.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I love you so much, honey.
I love you, too.
Friday.
What?
Friday!
Um, Tuesday.
I don't understand the game.
The ovulation test.
I'm ovulating on Friday.
Where does it say Friday?
It doesn't say Friday.
The surge line was darker
than the reference line
when I peed on it.
Hug-Ana-ma!
Which means I'm ovulating
in 2 days,
which is Friday.
You got it?
I think so, although
I only have a vague idea
of what ovulating is.
Come on.
It's where the egg thing drops
down into the other thing
so you can get to it.
I don't know.
Anyway, so Friday, huh?
Yeah, we'll make a night of it.
We'll have a nice dinner,
we'll throw down some 40s...
Then we'll come up here
and mul-ti-ply.
Now, I want all your little
swimmers to be ready,
so keep 'em inside,
if you catch my drift.
Until Friday?
What's today?
Stop!
What?
Come on, I can't wait to have
fat loudmouthed babies
with you.
OK, what does that mean?
'Cause I'm fat and...
I'm a loudmouth, too.
Hello, my friend.
Hey. You're
in a good mood.
That's 'cause the missus and I
have decided to conceive.
Oh, yeah?
That's my boy.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah.
And the timing's good, too.
Now my first kid and your next
one'll be around the same age,
so they can hang out or play football...
Have sex...
Whatever makes sense.
Maybe all of those.
It's gonna be great
being a dad, isn't it?
The best.
Oh, man. I just keep
imagining it,
and it seems like
it's gonna be great.
Hmm.
Am I imagining it right?
Oh, absolutely.
Great, man!
Great, great!
All great all the time, huh?
Sure. Well, I mean some of
it can be kinda heavy, but...
yeah, but even the heavy
stuff is great, right?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Well, I don't know, like the
extra financial responsibility.
You know, that kind of thing.
But even that's great, right?
It's like, hey,
can't lose my job,
otherwise I can't feed
my kid, you know?
Kinda like a fun kick
in the ass, huh?
Not really.
OK, maybe that part's
not great,
but everything else is, right?
Uh, sure.
Everything, right?
But not everything.
Well, what do you mean?
I don't know, with a kid
you're gonna worry a little.
What are you gonna worry about?
You know, that if anything
happens, it would...
what, destroy you?
Shatter your entire world?
Is that what you're getting at?
I guess so.
What are you doing?
I'm just asking
simple questions.
You're the one who keeps talking about
what a crushing responsibility it is.
What do you want me to do,
say that every single part
of having a kid is completely
easy and wonderful?
Well, it's a little late
for that, isn't it?
Hug-Ana-ma!
Hello.
Arthur, what are you doing?
I often sit in the dark.
I find it sharpens
my other senses.
So, what are you doing up?
Well, I guess there's no
reason not to tell you.
Carrie and I are gonna
try and have a baby.
I see.
So I suppose the newborn will be getting
the lion's share of the attention.
Maybe for a while,
but that doesn't mean
we'll stop loving you.
Regardless, I wish you
both the best of luck
on your new venture.
Thanks.
Arthur?
Si, senor?
How did you feel
when Carrie was born?
I mean, becoming a dad
for the first time.
Kind of a big thing, huh?
Douglas, I gotta tell you.
It was an experience
like no other.
Sophia and I were living in
Greenwich village at the time.
2 crazy kids without
a care in the world.
How old were you?
44.
You're doing great,
Sophia. Keep pushing.
Oh, where is my husband?
I want my husband.
Well, he better hurry,
because it won't be
much longer here.
Where is she?
Artie!
Oh, you made it.
Of course I made it.
I'm paying for this.
You think I'm gonna miss it?
OK, I see the head.
Push, Sophia.
Hey, that's my wife.
Don't look down there.
Artie, he's gotta
look down there.
He doesn't have to stare!
He could glance.
Oh! Oh, God!
It's OK, sweetheart.
I'm here with you.
By the way, before
you went into labor,
did you happen to pick
up any English muffins?
Well, I... I shopped today,
but I only got wonder bread.
Wonder bread?
I specifically wrote on
the list English muffins!
But you like wonder bread.
It's got those cute balloons
on the package.
Oh, for God's sake!
Those are not balloons.
They're just dots.
Fine! We'll get
English muffins
after we use up
the wonder bread.
Oh, that could be weeks!
I gotta tell you, Sophia, you
dropped the ball on this one!
It's out.
Already?
That didn't hurt at all.
See? See what
I did there?
I distracted you.
And it's a beautiful girl.
Hey, don't look at her, either!
So anyway, long story short,
we picked up some English
muffins on the way home
and threw the wonder bread
right in the trash.
Thank you, Arthur.
Carrie, Carrie!
What?
Millberg wants my report on the
Boston bank case in an hour,
but I can't find any
of the depositions.
All right, just relax, John.
What's the case number?
Um, 3, 8, something,
something, something.
Very helpful.
Thank you.
You know, we don't even
need the case number.
We just cross-reference
with the attorney's name,
and there, it's searching.
Ah, thank you.
And, uh,
by the way, John, I just wanna
say that I'm... I'm happy for you.
You got promoted and all.
I should have told you sooner.
Oh, not a problem.
No, I mean it. I guess what
I'm trying to say is, um,
I'm sorry I gave you the finger
in the elevator over there.
Please.
I provoked you.
John. Harmon's
looking for you.
Oh, God, what did I
screw up for him?
Well, he's coming nice
and unglued.
Well, that fact isn't lost
on the partners.
I heard they're gonna
dump him on Monday.
What?
Yep. Oh, and
I also heard
who they're talking about
as his replacement.
Me?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God, this is great!
Oh, wait a minute.
I'm supposed to have a baby.
Honey, you... you ready?
Coming.
Hey.
Hey.
So, baby-making
time, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Did you ovulate today?
I think so. It's not like a
bell goes off or anything.
All right, then. Let's
get started, shall we?
I, uh...
Picked us up a candle
at the mall today.
It smells like ice cream.
Nice touch, Dougie.
Thanks.
Let's get going, OK?
Yeah. OK.
So, should we, uh,
do the sex the way
we usually do it,
or should I just
go right for it?
You don't usually
go right for it?
N-n-no, I'm... I'm
just sayin'
I've never done this for the
reason that God intended.
Let's just do
what we always do.
OK.
OK.
Y-you OK?
Hmm? Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Funny thing, actually.
What?
Oh, nothing really.
It's just that, uh,
John dellamonica couldn't
hack it as a paralegal,
so they're gonna offer me
the job after all.
Isn't that a kick?
I...I... I guess.
Do you wanna do it or...
No! No, no, no.
I'm just saying,
you know, it's nice validation
to know that they want me, but I
don't wanna start a whole new job
now that we're doing
this baby deal.
Yeah. Look, if you
wanna take the job,
then maybe we should
wait on this.
I'm not saying
I wanna take the job.
Well, what am
I supposed to think?
Here I am trying to get the
troops ready for battle and...
You... you're talking
about a promotion.
I'm sorry. It's just that I had
a really good day at work,
and it's bound to get me
thinking about stuff.
Oh, I get it. You have a bad day
at work, you wanna have a baby.
When you have
a good day, you don't.
What happens when you have, like, an
OK day? "Oh, I wanna get a turtle."
I'm not saying I don't
wanna have a baby.
I'm just saying... I don't
know what I'm saying!
I'm just, you know, I'm having
some doubts, that's all.
What do you want from me?
Hey, I have doubts, too, but at
least I've been hiding mine!
Wait a minute.
What are you saying?
You were gonna go through
with this with doubts?
Oh, so were you.
No. No, no, no.
If you'll notice,
we are not
having sex right now.
That's all me, buddy.
All right, look.
W-w-we're getting
a little nuts here, all right?
Let's just calm down and... and
talk about this, OK?
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna have
a baby or not?
We have to decide
one way or the other.
You know what?
Let's just do it.
Really?
Really.
Look, honey, I know I've been
all over the place about this,
and I'm sorry.
But now I'm thinking,
what the hell?
We're gonna have doubts no matter
when we decide to do it, right?
Yes. No one would
ever have a baby
if they waited for all
the doubts to be gone.
Exactly.
The important thing is
that we love each other,
and we're in this together.
I agree. That's all
that matters.
So? Shall we?
Let's do it.
Now.
Good luck.
And to you, sir.
Oh, Doug...
We're really gonna do it.
We're about to make a child,
a beautiful child
that's part of us.
I am so happy.
I love you so much.
Doug!
Doug.
Doug!
Wha...
Um, crazy thought.
How about we wait...
Like a year,
huh? Just a year, one year,
just to know that we really,
really, really wanna do this.
That'll take
the pressure off you.
I can do the paralegal
thing a little bit,
then, bam!
Baby time.
You really wanna wait?
Yeah.
Then don't move.
Douglas, Carrie,
in anticipation of your
impending bundle of joy,
I'd like to pass down a toy
that I enjoyed as a child.
Oh, daddy, that is
so sweet of you.
But you know what?
We decided to wait
on the whole baby thing.
Oh, I see.
The big guy shootin' blanks?
We're just not ready.
OK, OK. Now, listen.
Take the toy anyway.
In case you
ever are "ready."
Thanks, dad.
It's really cute.
You bet it is.
See? The hose will
squirt real water,
and the ladder
can actually extend.
Gee, I completely
forgot about this.
Woofie the fire dog
pops up and down.
Look.
Hmm.
As long as you're waiting, I
might as well hang on to this.
Sorry, pal, I takes my time.
Dad, Doug and I are going
to Deacon and Kelly's.
I left some dinner for
you in the fridge, OK?
Fine.
You ready, babe?
Just one more move,
if he ever decides to move.
Keep your shirt on.
OK, let's go.
Oh, no, here comes the bear!
He's after us!
He's gaining on us!
Quick, where do we hide?
Where do we hide?
In the house!
All right.
Quick, get in.
Oh, no, the bear's in here!
He's on me!
He's on the big guy!
Help me!
Help the big guy!
Again, again!
Oh, please, God, no.
Kirby, that's enough
for tonight, my man.
No, I wanna play.
All righty, come on. One more, one more.
Let's go.
Yay!
You see, that's the problem
when we come here.
Doug gets overexcited, and
then he'll get cranky and cry
when I try to put him
to bed, it's a mess.
Well, then, I better warn you.
Pretty soon there's going to be
another little playmate
for Doug around here.
What?
I thought we weren't
going to tell anyone yet.
Oh, I just said that so you
wouldn't tell your mother.
I got one in the oven.
Ah, that's great!
Congratulations, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Hey, good job, big fella.
You are the father, right?
We're pretty sure.
Doug, did you hear?
Kelly's pregnant.
Yeah, I already knew.
Deacon told me.
W-we were chatting.
He asked about your uterus.
What was I gonna say?
So, what about you guys, huh?
When you gonna
have one of these?
Ah, you know,
one of these days.
Ah, no, no, no!
He's got me!
Oh, gosh!
God, that kid
is getting so cute.
He was singing along with every
song on the lion king video.
Were you watchin'?
Actually, I was
watching you sing along.
I was humming, all right,
just to be supportive.
So, admit it, Doug.
Admit what?
You want a kid.
Carrie, that's not why
I brought it up.
I'm not saying that's
why you brought it up.
I'm just saying that watching
you tonight with Kirby,
it was pretty obvious
that you want a kid.
Well, I'll admit
I want that kid.
Come on, Doug, be serious.
Don't you think we should
talk about, you know,
if we wanna have a baby?
I thought I was forbidden
from bringing it up.
OK, well, I'm bringing it up.
All right. You wanna do the
pros and cons thing again?
Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
OK.
OK.
Pros and cons of having a baby.
Pro side.
OK.
Well, we'd have a baby.
That's a pro, right?
No, actually, last time you
wouldn't let me list it as a pro.
Pretty much left us
with nothin'.
OK, so now it's a pro.
Progress, right?
Absolutely. All right, let's
get the cons out there.
OK.
Well, being pregnant
is no picnic.
Lot of throwin' up,
not sleeping.
Not being able
to smoke or drink.
You can handle it.
And then there's
the birth itself.
Squeezing out something
the size of a football.
I don't know who
thought that one up.
I'll be right there
with you the whole time
saying "push" or "pull."
Also I read that your hipbones
spread, like, 3 inches
and never come back.
Been there, done that.
And, you know, I'd... I'd have to
take a leave of absence from work,
so I'd never have any
shot at making paralegal.
Well, that's true,
but you know what...
and then with a kid,
you got those
middle-of-the-night breast feedings,
poopy diapers, ear infections,
OK.
Making him do his homework,
trying to get him off drugs...
would you stop?
OK, how about this?
We leave it in the
hands of the gods.
If I make the light,
we're having a baby.
OK. That certainly beats
rational discussion.
OK, here we go.
Still green.
All right, you're slowing down.
I'm going the speed limit.
You never go the speed limit!
Would you stop?
I'm doing this.
Well, that's that.
Sorry.
Look, it's still green.
Would you relax?
I'm not ready to have
a baby, all right?
I...I know, Mr. Felson.
But the problem was that
our computers went down
before I could e-mail
the memo to you.
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
bill gates is gonna get
a piece of my mind.
You're right.
That... that's not funny.
OK. The memo's
on its way. Bye.
Oh, hey, Carrie.
Heard Felson never
got his memo.
Just sent it, John.
What a little freak.
Really.
I just need him to lose
a little more hair,
and then we can kick in
with the bald jokes.
I'll tell you, there's gonna
be no living with him
now that he got
bumped to paralegal.
What?
They promoted him yesterday.
You didn't hear?
No.
Him?
Are you kidding me?
Can you believe it? I mean, you'd
be so much better than him.
The partners are just stupid.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Carr'.
I thought you knew.
Carrie? Yeah, they're
screaming for more bagels
in the conference room.
Should I tell them you're
having coffee or...
No. I will do it.
All right.
Hey, how's it going?
You don't wanna know.
You're probably right.
Hey!
I was gonna finish it all.
Guess what?
What?
I have some really
exciting news.
What?
We're gonna have a baby!
What? I thought you were
using that frisbee thing.
No. I mean I decided
I wanna have a baby.
Look. I went
to the drugstore,
and I got the ovulation
kit, a home pregnancy test.
Oh, and I got you one of these.
Nothing to do
with being pregnant,
but I know you like them, so...
I know you've been waiting
for me to come around.
Are you happy?
Yeah, sure, I just...
Wh-what brought this on
all of a sudden?
Doug, at work today,
it just hit me.
I was like, what the hell
am I doing, you know?
I've been giving my life
to these putzes,
hoping if I work
hard enough and smile,
that they'll throw me a bone.
But what really matters is us:
Our life, our family.
Really?
Yeah. So I'm gonna take the
ovulation test in the morning,
and that'll tell me
when I'm ready to rock.
Now, should I go get a
stud, or are you with me?
I'm fairly sure
I can handle it.
Let's make a Heffernan.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I love you so much, honey.
I love you, too.
Friday.
What?
Friday!
Um, Tuesday.
I don't understand the game.
The ovulation test.
I'm ovulating on Friday.
Where does it say Friday?
It doesn't say Friday.
The surge line was darker
than the reference line
when I peed on it.
Hug-Ana-ma!
Which means I'm ovulating
in 2 days,
which is Friday.
You got it?
I think so, although
I only have a vague idea
of what ovulating is.
Come on.
It's where the egg thing drops
down into the other thing
so you can get to it.
I don't know.
Anyway, so Friday, huh?
Yeah, we'll make a night of it.
We'll have a nice dinner,
we'll throw down some 40s...
Then we'll come up here
and mul-ti-ply.
Now, I want all your little
swimmers to be ready,
so keep 'em inside,
if you catch my drift.
Until Friday?
What's today?
Stop!
What?
Come on, I can't wait to have
fat loudmouthed babies
with you.
OK, what does that mean?
'Cause I'm fat and...
I'm a loudmouth, too.
Hello, my friend.
Hey. You're
in a good mood.
That's 'cause the missus and I
have decided to conceive.
Oh, yeah?
That's my boy.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah.
And the timing's good, too.
Now my first kid and your next
one'll be around the same age,
so they can hang out or play football...
Have sex...
Whatever makes sense.
Maybe all of those.
It's gonna be great
being a dad, isn't it?
The best.
Oh, man. I just keep
imagining it,
and it seems like
it's gonna be great.
Hmm.
Am I imagining it right?
Oh, absolutely.
Great, man!
Great, great!
All great all the time, huh?
Sure. Well, I mean some of
it can be kinda heavy, but...
yeah, but even the heavy
stuff is great, right?
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Well, I don't know, like the
extra financial responsibility.
You know, that kind of thing.
But even that's great, right?
It's like, hey,
can't lose my job,
otherwise I can't feed
my kid, you know?
Kinda like a fun kick
in the ass, huh?
Not really.
OK, maybe that part's
not great,
but everything else is, right?
Uh, sure.
Everything, right?
But not everything.
Well, what do you mean?
I don't know, with a kid
you're gonna worry a little.
What are you gonna worry about?
You know, that if anything
happens, it would...
what, destroy you?
Shatter your entire world?
Is that what you're getting at?
I guess so.
What are you doing?
I'm just asking
simple questions.
You're the one who keeps talking about
what a crushing responsibility it is.
What do you want me to do,
say that every single part
of having a kid is completely
easy and wonderful?
Well, it's a little late
for that, isn't it?
Hug-Ana-ma!
Hello.
Arthur, what are you doing?
I often sit in the dark.
I find it sharpens
my other senses.
So, what are you doing up?
Well, I guess there's no
reason not to tell you.
Carrie and I are gonna
try and have a baby.
I see.
So I suppose the newborn will be getting
the lion's share of the attention.
Maybe for a while,
but that doesn't mean
we'll stop loving you.
Regardless, I wish you
both the best of luck
on your new venture.
Thanks.
Arthur?
Si, senor?
How did you feel
when Carrie was born?
I mean, becoming a dad
for the first time.
Kind of a big thing, huh?
Douglas, I gotta tell you.
It was an experience
like no other.
Sophia and I were living in
Greenwich village at the time.
2 crazy kids without
a care in the world.
How old were you?
44.
You're doing great,
Sophia. Keep pushing.
Oh, where is my husband?
I want my husband.
Well, he better hurry,
because it won't be
much longer here.
Where is she?
Artie!
Oh, you made it.
Of course I made it.
I'm paying for this.
You think I'm gonna miss it?
OK, I see the head.
Push, Sophia.
Hey, that's my wife.
Don't look down there.
Artie, he's gotta
look down there.
He doesn't have to stare!
He could glance.
Oh! Oh, God!
It's OK, sweetheart.
I'm here with you.
By the way, before
you went into labor,
did you happen to pick
up any English muffins?
Well, I... I shopped today,
but I only got wonder bread.
Wonder bread?
I specifically wrote on
the list English muffins!
But you like wonder bread.
It's got those cute balloons
on the package.
Oh, for God's sake!
Those are not balloons.
They're just dots.
Fine! We'll get
English muffins
after we use up
the wonder bread.
Oh, that could be weeks!
I gotta tell you, Sophia, you
dropped the ball on this one!
It's out.
Already?
That didn't hurt at all.
See? See what
I did there?
I distracted you.
And it's a beautiful girl.
Hey, don't look at her, either!
So anyway, long story short,
we picked up some English
muffins on the way home
and threw the wonder bread
right in the trash.
Thank you, Arthur.
Carrie, Carrie!
What?
Millberg wants my report on the
Boston bank case in an hour,
but I can't find any
of the depositions.
All right, just relax, John.
What's the case number?
Um, 3, 8, something,
something, something.
Very helpful.
Thank you.
You know, we don't even
need the case number.
We just cross-reference
with the attorney's name,
and there, it's searching.
Ah, thank you.
And, uh,
by the way, John, I just wanna
say that I'm... I'm happy for you.
You got promoted and all.
I should have told you sooner.
Oh, not a problem.
No, I mean it. I guess what
I'm trying to say is, um,
I'm sorry I gave you the finger
in the elevator over there.
Please.
I provoked you.
John. Harmon's
looking for you.
Oh, God, what did I
screw up for him?
Well, he's coming nice
and unglued.
Well, that fact isn't lost
on the partners.
I heard they're gonna
dump him on Monday.
What?
Yep. Oh, and
I also heard
who they're talking about
as his replacement.
Me?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God, this is great!
Oh, wait a minute.
I'm supposed to have a baby.
Honey, you... you ready?
Coming.
Hey.
Hey.
So, baby-making
time, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Did you ovulate today?
I think so. It's not like a
bell goes off or anything.
All right, then. Let's
get started, shall we?
I, uh...
Picked us up a candle
at the mall today.
It smells like ice cream.
Nice touch, Dougie.
Thanks.
Let's get going, OK?
Yeah. OK.
So, should we, uh,
do the sex the way
we usually do it,
or should I just
go right for it?
You don't usually
go right for it?
N-n-no, I'm... I'm
just sayin'
I've never done this for the
reason that God intended.
Let's just do
what we always do.
OK.
OK.
Y-you OK?
Hmm? Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Funny thing, actually.
What?
Oh, nothing really.
It's just that, uh,
John dellamonica couldn't
hack it as a paralegal,
so they're gonna offer me
the job after all.
Isn't that a kick?
I...I... I guess.
Do you wanna do it or...
No! No, no, no.
I'm just saying,
you know, it's nice validation
to know that they want me, but I
don't wanna start a whole new job
now that we're doing
this baby deal.
Yeah. Look, if you
wanna take the job,
then maybe we should
wait on this.
I'm not saying
I wanna take the job.
Well, what am
I supposed to think?
Here I am trying to get the
troops ready for battle and...
You... you're talking
about a promotion.
I'm sorry. It's just that I had
a really good day at work,
and it's bound to get me
thinking about stuff.
Oh, I get it. You have a bad day
at work, you wanna have a baby.
When you have
a good day, you don't.
What happens when you have, like, an
OK day? "Oh, I wanna get a turtle."
I'm not saying I don't
wanna have a baby.
I'm just saying... I don't
know what I'm saying!
I'm just, you know, I'm having
some doubts, that's all.
What do you want from me?
Hey, I have doubts, too, but at
least I've been hiding mine!
Wait a minute.
What are you saying?
You were gonna go through
with this with doubts?
Oh, so were you.
No. No, no, no.
If you'll notice,
we are not
having sex right now.
That's all me, buddy.
All right, look.
W-w-we're getting
a little nuts here, all right?
Let's just calm down and... and
talk about this, OK?
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna have
a baby or not?
We have to decide
one way or the other.
You know what?
Let's just do it.
Really?
Really.
Look, honey, I know I've been
all over the place about this,
and I'm sorry.
But now I'm thinking,
what the hell?
We're gonna have doubts no matter
when we decide to do it, right?
Yes. No one would
ever have a baby
if they waited for all
the doubts to be gone.
Exactly.
The important thing is
that we love each other,
and we're in this together.
I agree. That's all
that matters.
So? Shall we?
Let's do it.
Now.
Good luck.
And to you, sir.
Oh, Doug...
We're really gonna do it.
We're about to make a child,
a beautiful child
that's part of us.
I am so happy.
I love you so much.
Doug!
Doug.
Doug!
Wha...
Um, crazy thought.
How about we wait...
Like a year,
huh? Just a year, one year,
just to know that we really,
really, really wanna do this.
That'll take
the pressure off you.
I can do the paralegal
thing a little bit,
then, bam!
Baby time.
You really wanna wait?
Yeah.
Then don't move.
Douglas, Carrie,
in anticipation of your
impending bundle of joy,
I'd like to pass down a toy
that I enjoyed as a child.
Oh, daddy, that is
so sweet of you.
But you know what?
We decided to wait
on the whole baby thing.
Oh, I see.
The big guy shootin' blanks?
We're just not ready.
OK, OK. Now, listen.
Take the toy anyway.
In case you
ever are "ready."
Thanks, dad.
It's really cute.
You bet it is.
See? The hose will
squirt real water,
and the ladder
can actually extend.
Gee, I completely
forgot about this.
Woofie the fire dog
pops up and down.
Look.
Hmm.
As long as you're waiting, I
might as well hang on to this.