The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 23 - Where's Poppa - full transcript

Whoa, wait a minute.
Leave that.

What is it?

I don't know,
but Jimmy smits is in it.

That's all I need to know.

Ah, so you like
your Jimmy, do you?

Honey, I love you more
than anyone in the world,

but if I actually
had a shot at him,

I'd have to shove you
in front of a bus.

OK, fair enough.
So, uh, do I get one?

One what?

A fantasy person.



You know, it's like,
we each get to pick

that one person on the planet

that if by some crazy fluke

we actually got a chance
to be with them,

the other just has to grin
and let it happen.

All right. I like it.

So you're going with Jimmy?

Gimme a second, will you?

It's a big planet.
I don't wanna blow it.

OK, do the Baldwin brothers
count as one?

No.

OK.

Uh, Mel Gibson.

You're sure?



Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. You
can't go wrong with Mel.

OK.

All right, who's yours?

Um, Julia Roberts...

Nah.

I think I'm just gonna go with that
girl that does your nails. Goodnight.

All right, are you comfortable?
Ready to go?

I'm ready.

OK. Got the movie,
got a box of dots,

a box of milk duds,
and a backup box of dots.

Doug, when you plan a
Saturday night, look out!

Dot me, baby.

OK, there you are.

Oh, I didn't know we were
gonna watch a motion picture.

Hi, dad.

You should warn a fella
when it's movie night.

Actually, we, uh, we assumed
that you had other plans.

Well, you're in luck.

Tonight, my dance card
is wide open.

All right.

So what have we here:
Shoot-'em-up, Sci-Fi,

erotic thriller?

It's a mystery, I think.

Oh, nothing like
a good whodunit.

Shh. OK, here we go.
Come on.

"F.B.I. Warning,

federal law provides
severe civil and criminal..."

Fast forwarding.

Here we go.
All right, here we go.

[T "Pentagon, October 1962.

On the Eve of the Cuban
missile crisis..."

Arthur,

we can read.

A thousand pardons.

Why is that guy
shaving his beard?

Did I get here before you?

I'm just trying to follow
the story, Douglas.

That's fine. Follow it without talking.
Could you do that.

Shh.
Not me, him. Shh!

Hey!

What did he put into that bag?

Arthur, every time
you ask me a question,

I can't watch the movie.

Then I don't know
what's going on!

Then you should get
a simpler movie!

Oh, I'm gettin' a beer.

Crack one for me, will you?

Yeah.

Aw, look at you.

Babe, you're missing the movie.

God, the universe is so big.

Why did he have to end up here?

Why couldn't he be...

Like, there?

OK, you know what?

Tonight, when he's sleeping,

I'm gonna hold
a pillow over his face.

What, nothing for that?

I just wish we had the house
to ourselves, one time.

Believe me,
I would love that, too.

Yeah.

Know when we first
bought the place?

Every weekend we'd just bunker in,
get take-out, and walk around naked.

Yeah.

And you'd tell me
to put some clothes on.

Yeah.

Well, that party's over.

Honey, I'm sorry
he's gotta be here.

He's not a bad guy.
It's just...

I wish we could,
you know, get rid of him.

For a weekend.

Well, you know what?
Maybe we can.

What do you mean?

Well, maybe we can ask somebody
to take him for a couple of days,

you know, as a favor.

You ever save anybody's life?

No. Damn it, I had
so many chances, too.

OK, you know what?

Tomorrow we'll just
start asking people.

I mean, there's
gotta be somebody.

Absolutely.
You know what we'll do?

We'll get everyone we know drunk
and just see where he sticks.

It's a plan.

Next weekend,
it's just you and me, bub.

Why did he put
the bag in the locker?

I'm not even in there!

Hey, man, so, you OK?

You, uh, need another beer?

Moose, it's 4:00
in the afternoon.

What are you trying to do,
get me drunk?

Whoa, look at this. We caught
a break, Arthur's here.

Capt. Artie, is it OK
if we hang with you?

I don't give a crap.

So, you wanna hang?

Whatever.

I don't know why this guy
insists on buying a "u."

Some people have their
brains in their asses.

Brains in the ass.

That's not even possible.

Where does he come up
with this stuff?

Cup holder!
It's cup holder.

Oh, this guy ought to be shot.

Shot. Oh, man,
once he gets going,

you just, you know what you do? You
pull up a chair and enjoy the show.

I thought you said
he always drives you nuts.

Well, sure, I did, but that was
until I spent the weekend with him.

Then, you know,
I got it. You know.

Oh, I just... I just
got a crazy idea.

What?

You should... you should take him
for, like, a weekend, you know.

Keep him at your place. I'm cool
with it. Hey, you need another beer?

Sorry, moose.

I ain't taking the old man
off your hands.

Oh, come on, rich.
Just for one weekend.

Forget it! I'm gonna head
down to the firehouse.

Hopefully, there's
a fire somewhere.

Hey, he likes fires, huh?

He starts 'em, you put 'em out.
There's a weekend right there.

Dad, you want any dessert?

No, thanks.

I'm stuffed to the gills
with lasagna.

Now it's time to go
upstairs and pay the band.

So, did you find anybody yet?

No. How about you?

No.

I made the mistake of
asking my aunt Patti first,

and she must have
tipped people off

because I can't get
a phone call returned.

Can't we just drive him
out to the country

and let him go?

Nah, he'll find his way back.

I guess.

Well, everybody said no, huh?

Even your cousin Danny?

Oh, I didn't ask him.

What? Why not?
He idolizes you.

He'd do anything for you.

I know.
That's the exact problem.

My whole life he's been
trying to be my best friend.

He's like those little fish
that glom onto the bigger fish.

What do you call those?

Uh, plankton?
No.

Barnacles?

No. What else you got?

Just call him!

No, I don't wanna
call him. All right!

I've worked very hard at keeping my
distance. I wanna keep it that way.

All right, don't get
your panties in a bunch.

Douglas, I forget.

Is your toothbrush the
green one or the blue one?

Blue.

Oh, my God.

All right.
All right. All right.

Dad.

Dad. Dad.

Huh!

Sorry. Didn't mean
to scare you.

Oh, you're lucky
I didn't throw a kick.

What are you listening to?

Oh, it's my
self-help tape.

Do you realize I'm the one
who gets in my own way?

Yes, I do.

Uh, dad, Doug and I are having,
uh, sort of a problem.

Um, yeah, uh...

You know my cousin Danny

w-who owns
the pizza place?

No, but press on.

Well, anyway, he's... he's got
a guy out sick this weekend.

Do you happen to know anyone
who could possibly fill in?

Hmm, let me see.

Oh, I knew a fellow in the army
who would be perfect for this.

The only thing is his legs were
blown off by a Nazi mortar.

And he's dead.

Sorry.

Nice going.

I was trying to be subtle.

Doug, he didn't even know
what you were talking about.

Oh, he knew. He knew.
You knew. You knew.

All right. Stop it. All right.
Stop it. Let me handle this.

Still us, dad.

So, you find anyone yet?

Uh, no.

But, you know, actually, Doug
and I had this crazy idea.

Uh, why don't you, uh, help
Danny at the pizza place?

Me? I'm flattered.

So, I guess I gotta wear
some sort of leotard?

Did you hear "pizza place"?

Listen, Danny, thanks again for,
uh, helping out with Arthur.

Oh, come on. This is great. I
mean, just to see you again.

You know, gotta tell this guy to
call me back once in a while.

I know, I'm bad. I don't call back.
I'm not a phone guy.

Aw, I'm just kidding around with you.
Giving you a hard time.

Listen, listen, we're... we're
throwing together a dart league,

and, uh, we got some room.
Can I sign you up?

You know, I think
I'm already in one.

Oh, uh, just...
just a second.

Yello, angelo's.
How ya do, huh?

OK, a large pie,

right half pepperoni. OK.

Hey, giuseppe! Hey, when
you gonna bocce ball?

OK, 15 minutes.

Listen, you can never be
in too many dart leagues.

Right.

We should get going,
what do you say?

Wait, wait.
Before you do, here,

why don't you, uh, take
home a couple of pies, huh?

Uh, you don't have to.

I know, I don't have to.
I want to.

Let me give you some money.

He wants to give me money.

Would you get outta here
with the money!

Just take me to a Mets game like
you promised me 6 years ago, huh?

Right. OK.

So, what are those, toppings?

Uh, dad, we're leaving now.

Now, I want you to listen to
Danny and do what he says, OK?

Gimme a kiss goodbye.

Not at work.

OK, bye-bye.

I wanna watch movies.

I wanna... I wanna take a bath.
I wanna... I wanna...

Write it down.
Write it down.

Make a list.
Make a list.

OK, I wanna, um...
I wanna blast the stereo.

I wanna have sex
in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah, put me
down for that, too.

Oh, man, I... I... I
wanna eat pizza.

I wanna run around naked.
I wanna, I wanna...

Dougie.

Well, I guess we're
in the living room,

so we can't fool around.

Oh, wait a minute.
Yes, we can.

For the sweet love of God,
you gotta get off me.

OK, now I feel sexy.

I ate too much.

Oh, my God, Doug, how
many slices did you have?

Put it this way,
I shattered my old record.

Your father wasn't here.
I got excited.

Doug, you can eat
pizza when he's here.

I know, it just tastes better
when he's gone. I was in a zone.

So what about us?
I mean, the whole reason

for getting rid of my father

was so we could
do stuff together.

It's OK. It's OK. It's
only Friday, you know?

Just let me sleep this off,

and tomorrow, I promise,

we'll... we'll go crazy,
all right. I swear.

Oh, hey, baby, you're up.

I was just gonna go out for a few hours.
Do you mind?

What? Where
are you going?

I wanna get my hair done.

But this is a big day.

Come on, I made us
a great breakfast.

Huh? There's
food to be had,

orgasms to be faked.

Oh, honey, that is so sweet.

And look, you made
the whole pound of bacon.

I had to.
It expires in 3 weeks.

Come on, stay.

Honey, I already
made the appointment.

Come on, you know I always feel
sexier after I get my hair done.

Yeah, same here.

All right. I'll grab a
shower while you're gone.

You know, clean myself up,

bang out a couple of pushups.

Hey, why don't you
start with the shower

and see how you feel, OK?

Who's next?
Who's next? Yes, sir.

Give me a slice
with, uh, mushrooms.

All right. Oh,
got you a beauty here.

Throw a little
red pepper on that,

and it's gonna sing.

That'll be $2.

OK, they're legit.

Thank you for coming
to angelo's.

Uh, Arthur, you probably don't
have to check the ones.

I see I've upset you.

Shall I consider this
a formal reprimand?

Oh, no.
No, no. No, no.

You're doing a great job, here.

Thank you. I must say
your cousin was right.

You are a terrific guy.

He said that?

Oh, yeah, in the car ride
over here.

He was going on and on.

I started getting a little nauseous.
I had to tune him out.

Really? I... I...
I can't believe it.

All my life, I... I thought
he just didn't like me.

Well, that's the way
it is with Doug.

He has a hard time
showin' his love.

I mean, sometimes
he acts like...

He doesn't want me around.

Hey.

OK, it's showtime.

I can't believe these people.

They totally ruined my hair.

I am so pissed!

Hey.

It's horrible, right?

What's wrong with it?

OK, how about
it's totally uneven,

and he made this part
way too light.

Well, if it bothers
you that much,

put on a wig.

A blond one.

Would you stop it?

I look horrible.

No, you don't.
Yes, I do.

Look, I know what you need.

You just need yourself a nice
climb up mount dougmore.

Doug, I am not even close
to being in the mood.

You can't see this?

Carrie, I'm all
set to go, here.

Well, I'm sorry. What
do you want me to do,

just lie down and go
through the motions?

If you want to.

All right, here's the deal.

Why don't you take
yourself a nice hot shower,

and then after, you can redo
your hair the way you like it,

like, all sexy. OK?

Yeah, let me do that.

All right, that's a girl.

Oh! All right,
you go suds up.

I'll get rid
of whoever this is.

You!

Me?

You!

What?

Arthur told me what you said.

A-a-about?

That I'm a terrific guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mentioned that, yeah.

Come on, let me buy you a beer
in your kitchen. Let's go.

Uh, actually,
c-Carrie's upstairs.

Oh, don't worry. I gotta get
back to the shop, anyway.

Come on, quick beer.

OK.

Remember when we were kids,

we would, uh, pin those
towels around our necks?

Yeah, I think I remember that.

Oh, sure you do.
Sure you do.

You'd pretend
to be, uh, superman,

and I was your sidekick...

Towel boy.

Towel boy,
that's right! Yeah!

Ah, those were fun times.

Hmm.

So, Doug, what... you know,
what... what went wrong?

How did we drift apart?

Was it me, because I... I know I can
come on like a ton of bricks.

No, no, you're fine.
I mean,

you were a bit of a pain in
the ass when we were kids,

but I guess, you know,
I never let it go.

You know what?
I'm... I'm sorry.

Well, whatever happened,

I'm just glad we were able to
hang out a little, you know?

Well, listen,
I... I'm gonna get going.

And you know what?
Maybe, sometime,

w-we'll do that Mets
game together, huh?

Yeah, whenever.
I'm not pushin'.

Hey, remember the last one
we went to back in '86?

Oh, yeah, right. When you
threw my keys in the urinal.

Right, right. But I made
it up to you, though.

Remember I took you to Tracy
matello's birthday party, huh?

You remember that?

Yeah, I remember.

That's the night everyone
started calling me stumpy.

Yeah, that was because of me.
I... I started that.

Remember, you were wearing
that stupid turtleneck,

dancing on the floor out there,

and I was like, "hey,
nice move there, stumpy!"

That was all me.

Do you know that people
still call me that?

Oh, really? That's funny.

It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you ever try to get a
girl to go out with you

when your nickname is stumpy?

God! I... I can't
believe that was you!

You did that to me!

No, actually,
it was Rick Usher.

That's who it was,
Rick Usher, I remember.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Blame the dead kid.
You know?

It was you!

Now, wait till my therapist

gets this piece of the puzzle!

It was just a nickname.

Oy! Can I get
a little focus here?

How can I focus?
I ruined the guy's life.

Stumpy's funny though, right?

Doug, if you're
trying to get me hot,

repeating the word "stumpy"
is not gonna help.

I just feel so guilty.

OK, well, look at it this way.

Now he hates you. Now he
won't call you as much.

I don't want him to hate me.

I want him to love me
and not call me.

OK, so what are you saying?

Are we gonna
fool around or not?

Look, I'll do
whatever you want.

I'm just telling you right now,

I can't give you
all the engines.

Doug, it's Saturday, OK?

Our weekend without my
father is over tomorrow.

Fine. We'll fool around
in the morning, OK?

Just go to sleep now.

It's 7:30.

Shut up, weird hair.

Hey, it's Sunday morning.

You wanna have sex?

Do ya? Do ya?

Do ya? Do ya?

Stop.

Hey, come on.
Wake up, I want sex.

Your hair looks good now.

Doug, I'm sleeping.

Did you feel that?

Oh, no.

Oh, honey!

It's a dougquake!

Oh, God! Oh, boy!

Quick, under a doorjamb!

Under a doorjamb!

Find one!

Stop it.

Aftershocks!

You are so dead.

You are so dead!

You want a piece of me?

Come on, sex in the kitchen.

Dad, what are you doing?

I thought you weren't
coming home until tonight.

Danny gave me the boot.

What? Why?

I don't know. Something
about Doug being an idiot.

So, what are you kids up to?

We wanna have sex
in the kitchen...

I see. So, tell me,

what, exactly, do you
remember about that day?

Well, Danny and I were
at this birthday party,

and I, uh...

I just called him stumpy.

You think that's funny?

I told you. Right?
It's funny, right?