The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 22 - Time Share - full transcript

Douglas, if you have a moment,

I've written a letter,
and I'd like your thoughts.

I almost went to white castle.

Yeah.

"Dear Sir or Madam,

"recently I purchased a tube of
your so-called soothing ointment

"to combat a particularly
stubborn rash

"that I contracted
through no fault of my own.

"Upon using said product, not
only did I fail to find relief

"but the area
is now completely inflamed

"and periodically erupting:



"See photo A.

"To remove all uncertainty
from the matter,

"I conducted
a controlled experiment

"using an acquaintance of mine
named Bernard: See photo B.

"Bernard is the scrawny
fellow on the left.

"Please review this material
and advise me posthaste.

Sincerely, A. Spooner."

What do you think?

It's delightful.

Thank you.

You can keep those photos.

I have better angles.

Ah, what the hell.

Ah, nothing quite like changing
out of your work clothes



and throwing on a comfy
old pair of sweats.

Doug, you wear shorts to work,

and you unbutton them
in the truck.

Actually, I've been
asked not to do that.

So, uh, how was your day?

It was OK.

Oh, they have me wearing
one of those headsets now

to talk on the phone.

Ooh, I like those.

Think they'll
let you take it home

so we could, uh, you know?

What? Talk on the phone
without using our hands?

No, fool around.

I could pretend you're
Janet Jackson, or...

A time-life operator.

And would you still be you?

Hey, that hurts.

Hello.

Oh, hey, there.

Uh, OK. Sure. Fine.

Yeah, we'll be here.

OK, bye.

Who was that?

The Sackskys from next door.

They have something important to
tell us. They're on their way over.

What?

No! They're
so annoying!

Why did you say
they could come over?

What am I gonna say?

You make something up.

We're sleeping, we're eating,

we're dead.

I don't know,

you think on your feet,
for God's sake.

I'm sorry.

He said, "how you doin',
champ?" And I got thrown.

What do they want?

You... you didn't run over
anything they own, did you?

No.

Oh, wait a second,
do they have a cat?

No.

Did you run over a cat?

I don't think it was, no.

All right, look, Doug,

I do not want to get
involved with these people.

So no matter what they suggest,

we say no. Got it?

Fine. So,
what's our excuse?

Um, I have a cold.

You? What if they want
to do something with me?

Excuse me, I thought of it, OK?

I get the cold.
I'm nasal anyway.

Go, go.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, there.
How you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I got a cold.

Come on in.
Come on in.

Thank you.
Have a seat.

So, what's up?

Well,

we have some news.

This is kind of hard to say,

and it'll probably be
hard to hear.

Tim and I are separating.

Now, it's no one's fault.

We just have some issues
that can't be resolved.

And we just wanted to tell
the people closest to us.

Oh, us. Right.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, no, yeah.

Sorry.

We'll both be staying in the
house until we can sell it,

which could be a while.

Tim seems to have bought on
the high end of the market.

Yes, I did.

I did that.

Well...

This is a lot to
take in all at once.

Uh, if it's OK,

I think Doug and I need to be
alone with this right now.

A-a-absolutely.

Let's go.
Let's go.

Oh, there is one more thing.

You see, we actually have a
time-share out in the Hamptons

for the 3rd week in June.

Oh, here's a brochure.

Yeah, it's all paid for,

but obviously
we won't be using it,

so we'd love to give it
away to friends.

Well, you know,
that all sounds very nice,

but unfortunately, we
gotta throw you a no.

You know, I'm...

I'm actually having exploratory
surgery that week.

We really would have loved for
you to stay in the cottage.

Yeah.

Well, can't do it.
Cannot do it.

Right, hon'?

Hmm? Oh, right.
Right, right, right.

Hey.

Hey, it's 8:30,
where you been?

I stopped at the drugstore

and then swung by the, uh,

Hamptons.

The Hamptons?

Yeah, where the Sackskys
have their time-share.

Doug, it is a nice house,

it's blue, with a deck,

and those cape-coddy shutters.

So, what are you saying, you
actually wanna do this now?

It's in this cute
little town called quogue.

Quo-gue.

Come on, honey, let's do this.

You went on and on
the other night

about how we shouldn't get
involved with these people.

Doug, we are not getting
involved with these people.

We'll be at their house,
70 Miles away,

and they'll still be here.

Did you work that out
on the car ride home?

Come on, let's spend
a week at the beach.

I don't want to.

Why not?

Carrie, I'm gigantic and I'm
fair-skinned, all right?

The beach is not
the best spot for me.

Doug, I want a vacation.

We never have any money
to go anywhere nice.

Oh, OK. I guess hershey,
Pennsylvania, is not nice.

A whole town that smells like chocolate.
Whatever.

But, Doug, they're offering
this to us for free.

It's like we won this.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on...

aah, all right.

Yes! Thank you, honey.
All right, call.

Why do I have to call 'em?

Because they like you.
You're the nice one.

Here, I will dial it for you.

Oh, great! Thanks.

'Cause when you make a phone call,
the dialing, that's the hard part.

Hello?

Uh, hi, Tim,
it's Doug Heffernan.

Hey, Doug, hey. How's
the weather over there?

What did he say?
What did he say?

C-c-could you
hang on a second?

He said, "how's
the weather over there?"

What does that mean?

Do you want to do this?
OK, go.

What's up, Doug?

Uh, it's just that Carrie and I

would, uh, love to take
that time-share

if she's still floating around.

What happened to your surgery?

Huh? Oh, I... I... I
don't need it.

Uh, the coin worked
its way out.

Well... well, great,
then the place is yours.

Just happy we can
keep it in the family.

Well, great.
Thanks a lot, Tim.

Hey, you know what? I'll bring the key
and the parking permit over right now,

then maybe we can, you know,
hang out and watch a game.

You wanna watch a game?

Uh, just hang on a second, OK?

Huh? Hmm-mm-mm-mm?

He wants to drop the key off,

and then he wants
to watch a game with me.

So, watch!

They're offering us their
time-share, for God's sake.

Don't be rude.

Uh, sure, Tim.

On my way., great.

Thank you.
I love you.

Yeah, get off.

Look at this.

Will you look at this?

Hot damn, this is livin'!

Whoo!

OK, let's get
the whole game thing going.

What do you say, huh?

Huh, yeah.

Oh, by the way, here's
your, uh, parking permit.

Oh.

OK.

You know, I couldn't
find the key,

but Dorothy will bring
it by tomorrow,

and I brought us
some Dutch beers.

You like a dark lager, do you?

Oh, anything with alcohol
would be perfect.

I hear you.

Oh, boy. Ah...

Click.
Yeah.

Ah!

You like racquetball, Doug?

Um, maybe.

Do you?

What do you like?

You like, uh, a nice jog,
a hike, skeet shooting?

What's your thing?

Actually, I'm... I'm between
things right now.

Ah.

Yeah.

Hey, mind if I flip around?

Oh, yeah.

Single life is gonna be good.

I can come over here
anytime I want

without the wifey
breathing down my neck.

Whoa...

Boy, those Olsen twins are
growing up fast, aren't they?

Hey, hi!

You owe me big.

Tim is very unpleasant.

You did good, babe.

I said you owe me big.

There you go.

Oy!

Hi, Carrie.
Dorothy, hi.

I didn't mean
to bother you, hon',

I just wanted to drop by
some time-share stuff.

Oh, that is so sweet, thanks.

Oh, there are some local menus.

Ooh, crab shack, yummy.

Emergency numbers, oh, and
directions to the house.

The place can be
impossible to find.

Tell me about it.

What?
Huh?

Oh, anyway, um,
I guess you're all set.

Yes, we are.

So, is there a key or...

oh, it's in our safe-deposit
box at the bank.

I'll swing by tomorrow.

There's some stuff I have to
sneak out of there anyway.

So... Yeah.

Once again, uh,
thank you so much

for letting us use your house.

Oh, don't be silly.

I'm just glad

the place won't be
sitting there empty.

Well, I'm just heading
out to the gym, so...

Is everything all right?

Tim is out on a date.

What?
Oh, I'm so sorry.

I... I'm sorry, Carrie.

I'm sorry for dropping
all this on you.

It's just that, I don't know,

I just feel such
a connection with you.

D-ditto.

A-ah.

You're not even trying.

I told you I didn't
even want to do this.

Come on. Open your mouth
wider. Let's go.

The problem is
your teeth are too big.

W-w-what if
I swallow one?

That's a classy problem.

Oh.

Hey. Hey, honey, come on.

Try it. Open your mouth.
Try to catch one.

OK. That's mine now.

What's the matter?

My new best friend Dorothy
is in there

driving me crazy.

Oh, too bad. I guess
that's the price you pay

for falling in love
with the word, "quogue."

Shut up.

Hey, Richie,

would you do me a huge favor?

I told Dorothy that
I would bring her a beer.

Would you bring this in to her and
be a little nice to her, huh?

I'm busy.

Richie, come on.

She... she's depressed
and very needy right now,

and I'm late for the gym.

Just... just bring
this in to her,

flatter her,
boost her ego, please.

I don't wanna.

You want me to take this one?

Um...

Would a simple "no, thank
you" have killed you?

Hi.
Hi.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

I'm Dorothy Sacksky.

Richie iannucci.

So, um,

you have very nice...

Hair.

Thank you.

Carrie!

Carrie!

Hey, um, what are you,
throwing curlers?

Is Doug in there?

Ah, no, he's still out
skeet shooting with Tim.

You gotta talk
to your friend Richie.

About?

Well, I invited
him over last night

to check my smoke alarms,

and let's just say
a lot more happened.

We made love.

Eeh.

Anyway, he gave me
his phone number

and I just tried calling him.

Does he live in a bakery?

You know what?

I think he might.

Oh, my God,

you don't think he was just
using me as a one-night stand?

No, no, that doesn't
sound like Richie.

Oh, you gotta talk to him.
You gotta talk to him.

Tell him I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have said I love you so soon.

Oh, please tell him, Carrie.

Dorothy, just calm down.
I will go talk to him.

Tell him...
tell him I can change.

Tell him I can be whatever
he wants me to be.

Whatever he wants you to be.

Yeah.
Got it.

Thank you.

Oh, Dorothy, any luck
with that key yet?

I can't think
about that right now.

All I said was flatter her.

I did.

I was very complimentary
throughout.

I'm glad you think
this is funny.

What were you thinking?

I didn't mean to do it.

I was just up on a ladder

checking her smoke alarms,
and bam, it happened.

What?

Carrie, what are you
yelling at him for?

It's your fault. You're the one
that sent him in there with beer.

I did not tell him
to have sex with her.

What do you expect?

You put a snake in a cage
with a mouse and beer,

you have to expect
that they'll have sex.

Look, you don't
have to worry about it

'cause I'm not
gonna see her again.

Oh, but that's where
you're wrong, my friend.

You're gonna keep
seeing her for,

I don't know, at least a month.

A month?

A month's a long time, honey.

Doug, he had sex with her.

The only decent thing to do after
you've had sex with somebody

is to keep seeing them.

But not a month.

All right, 3 weeks.

That way, Dorothy won't feel
like she was a one-night stand.

In fact, she'll probably
be sick of him by then.

I don't see why you
even care so much.

I care.

She's my neighbor,

my friend, she's a human being,

and she hasn't given me the key

to her beach house yet.

Ah, so that's what
this is all about.

You just want to get
to use their beach house.

What, you just
figured that out now?

You haven't noticed that I... I've been
skeet shooting a lot more than usual?

Oh, come on, you guys.

Help me out. I've been
working very hard this year.

I want a tan.

Doug, tell him to do this.

What's in it for me?

Richie, go do it.

But, moose...

do it!

Man, this Dorothy
is wearing me out.

At least she finally got the top
step of her ladder carpeted.

Hmm, fate is a funny
animal, isn't it?

If it had been me who brought
her the beer that night,

I'd be the exhausted
lover right now,

instead of the lonely,
bitter man-child.

Hey, hey, hey, Doug!

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, Tim.

Hey, hey, uh,

so... so what are you doing,
you watching a game?

Yeah, sure.
Come on over.

Moose, what the hell
are you doing?

Relax. He doesn't
know you're the guy.

I'm wearing his shirt.

Oh, the plot thickens.

Why are you wearing his shirt?

'Cause Dorothy chewed the
buttons off of mine last night.

See, those could
have been my but...

oh, forget it.

Try... try not to let him
see it, that's all.

All right, all right.
If he notices,

just tell him I went
to swatchmore, too.

Hey.

Hey, Tim.

Oh, so, uh, is this your posse?

I actually like to refer to
them as my peeps, but yes.

Hiya, Tim Sacksky.

Hi, Spence Olchin.

Ooh, strong handshake there.

You in sales?

Yep, subway tokens.

Uh, Tim Sacksky, how are you?

Fine.

He's gotta get
to know you first.

So, what have we got here,

a, uh, sports game?

Uh, basketball playoffs, yeah.

Oh, hey, all right!

Oh, this is great.

Oh, it feels so good just
to hang with the boys,

you know, have a brewsky,

take my mind off
the fact that my wife

is screwing someone else!

Uh, haven't you been
seeing someone, Tim?

No. No, I... I only made that
up to get her jealous.

No, I just go to the multiplex

and watch all those movies
with the teenagers in them.

You should see she's all that.

It's kind of a modern-day
pygmalion story.

She is obviously only doing
this to get back at me.

You know what? She
doesn't even like sex.

The fact is,

the woman is incapable
of having an orgasm.

I mean, she has
so many hang-ups.

I mean, there are certain
things that a man needs

which she
flat-out won't do.

Oh, God, I want her back.

I just... I just want to
hold her in my arms again

and make love to her
in the sand.

But now there's this other guy,

and he probably
loves her, and...

Oh, I'm sure that he doesn't.

Well, d... hey, did you
go to swarthmore?

Uh, yeah.

What class?

Thank you.

Hey, look. Just finished
shopping for the Hamptons.

Huh?

And look!

You!

You are gonna look so
hot with tan lines.

Yeah, well, before you
get too excited, quoggie,

I, uh, I got some news for you.

Tim wants to get back
together with Dorothy.

What? How do
you know that?

'Cause he just told me.

He w-wants
to get back with her.

He wants to make love
to her in the sand.

What? What sand?
Not our sand?

Honey, just prepare yourself.

They're gonna get back together, and
they're gonna want their beach house.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I am not so sure they are
getting back together.

I mean, Dorothy's
with Richie now.

They're very happy.

I saw them biking.

Let it go.

OK, she's only with him
in the sick little world

where you're the God.

OK, how about this?

How about this?

I tell Dorothy that Richie is
considering proposing marriage...

Carrie.

Meanwhile, the next time you
go skeet shooting with Tim,

you accidentally shoot him in the foot.
That way...

honey, honey, look at me.

It's over.

Here you go, hon'.

Thank you.

Careful up here.

This, uh, might be asbestos.

Hey, Arthur, you got a letter.

Oh, it's from those
ointment people.

Let's see what those
charlatans have to say.

"Dear Mr. Spooner, after
examining the unused portion

"of the ointment you returned,

"we determined that what you
were actually using on your rash

"was our all-weather, high-grade,
silicon window caulking.

Please discontinue
use immediately."

Well, that explains
the big metal applicator.