The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 21 - Hungry Man - full transcript

Stanley, use the dog door.

God, you're stupid.

I'm going to show you
one more time, OK?

Look, you just go
right through, OK?

Right through here.
Right through.

Go! Bing!

Nothing at all, huh?

All right, watch me.
Watch me and learn.

Ooh, it's nice out here.

I want to go out.

I want to go out!
I want to go out!



All right, hold your horses.
Let me grab my coat.

Oh, God, I am so late!

W-where's the milk?

Not to worry.
It's all in here.

All of it?
I wanted cereal.

You should know from now on,

I'm starting each day
with a health smoothie.

I've decided I want to
live a long, long time.

You just decided. We...
we don't get a vote?

Very funny, Doug.

You know, I don't really
need all this milk.

Help yourself.

Oh, all right. Thanks.

You should know
I've already added



the bean curd and the dulcolax.

All-righty. Maybe
I'll have something else.

Suit yourself.

Ooh! Toaster strudel.

'Cause I've decided
I want to die happy.

Hello.

Yeah, just a second.

Carrie! Telephone!

I'm in the bathroom.
Could you take a message?

Yeah, I got to take a message.

Oh. Uh-huh.

It's someone
named Jack Brennan.

He wants to know if you can
come to his apartment tonight.

Should I be hearing this?

I'll take it up here.

All right.

She'll be right there.
And there she is.

Doug, wait.
You can't leave yet.

Sorry, but last night's sex is
just going to have to hold you.

Yeah, right.
Anyway, listen.

That was one of the
partners in my firm,

and he's having a little
dinner party tonight

for this new client,
and we're invited!

Us? Why?

Because the client loves me!

He's this big
Japanese mucky-muck,

and for the last
couple of weeks,

I've been showing him
around and stuff, you know.

I'm not just a secretary,
I also schlep people.

Here's the address.

I'll meet you in the lobby
at 8:00, OK?

Carrie, I can't.

Why not?

Hello, it's Thursday.
Double shift day.

Doug, you know I'm trying
to make paralegal at this firm.

This is a great chance for
me to, you know, suck up.

I want you to suck up.
I just can't be there.

Well, you could
if you really wanted to.

That's not true!

I wouldn't be done
working until 8:00.

Doug, 2 Thursdays ago,
you had a double shift,

but you wanted to see that ladies'
kickboxing thing, remember?

Somehow you made it
home by 7:30

with a keg of beer
and a 3-foot sub.

Yeah, that day everything
went just right.

Come on, Carrie, even if
I could make it in time,

you know I'm not good
at those things.

I'd spill something,
and some lady would say,

"Oh, who invited that man?"

OK, shemp, you made your point.

You don't have to go.

Come on, why do you
even need me there?

I guess I don't need you there.

I just would've liked it.

Oh.

It's still frozen.
What happened?

Huh? I don't know.

Hey, me and donelli are going to go eat.
You want to come?

No, I'm skipping lunch.

That's a good one.
Now, come on.

I'm skipping lunch.

Why, what's going on?

Ah, there's this stupid
dinner party

Carrie really wanted me
to go to tonight,

so if I really hump it, I can get
there in time and surprise her.

OK.

Well, where you guys eating?

Oh, that, uh, Philly cheese
steak place on northern blvd.

The cheese steak place?

Man, why don't you
just stab me?

Did I say
the cheese steak place?

No, I meant
the luncheonette on 24th

with the rats
and the dirty counters.

I like their fries.

So you coming?

No. Just go, go, go!

Just grab me a little
something-something

for the road.

Let's see here.

75 cents.
Just enough.

Come on, baby.

Jump.

Come on, come on.
Drop. Drop for daddy.

Drop for me!

Come on!

All right, fine.
You want to play that game?

Let's get it on!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Are you sure
you don't want to come?

Just go!

Oh! Didn't expect that.

Hello!

Who's there?

It's me, Spence.
Is Doug here?

No, he's out.

OK. Bye.

Wait!

What?

Come down here
and play with me.

I'm tired of playing
with myself.

Pardon me?

So, how's that job of yours

taking tolls on the bridge?

I don't take tolls
on the bridge.

I sell tokens on the subway.

Oh, a thousand pardons.

You know, it's
a pretty interesting job.

It's a great place
to observe people.

Yeah. Well,
now you can observe

your bishop disappearing.

You know, the other day,
it was raining,

and everybody
was fumbling around

with their briefcases
and umbrellas,

trying to get their tokens
into the slot.

It struck me kind of funny.

Yeah. Little man in
glass booth has last laugh.

Anyway, it occurred to me
that whoever invents a backpack

that can also hold
an umbrella...

It would be pretty handy.

You know, you might be
on to something there.

What do you mean?

Your backpack.

With the proper handling,
an item like that

could make us a pretty penny.

What are you saying, that we can
actually make them ourselves?

Why not?

Back in the 50s, I was in and out
of marketing almost 8 months.

Jawanda, it's Heffernan.

I, uh, just finished my route.

I'll drop the truck
back later tonight.

Here's your suit, my man.

Thanks for picking it up. Only
way I can make the party.

Have a good time, all right?

Hey, you got anything
to eat on you?

I literally have
not eaten all day.

Sorry.

Any more gum?

I'm chewing my last piece.

How long you been chewing it?

Does that matter?

All right, all right.
Just go. Go!

Then phase 3, we show the
design to the money guys,

get the start-up capital,

and bam!
We're in production.

Yeah, but, maybe
we should make 'em

someplace like Pakistan or Mexico,
you know, for the cheap labor.

Hey!

The unipack will be made
on American soil

by American workers

making decent
American union wages!

All right, all right, relax.

We start out small,
sell 'em in the subway.

Then we branch out
to the specialty stores.

Then we go worldwide!

Yeah! I... I just read that that
China market is opening up.

Sure.

What are there, 2
billion Chinese people?

If we sell each one a unipack,

that's how many unipacks?

2 billion.

Whoa!

Whoa! I'm right here.

H-hi, Mr. Brennan.

Hello, Carrie.
Hi.

I was just a little
thrown by the... the...

oh, yes. It's
a private elevator.

Oh, well. That's nice work
if you can get it.

Ahem.

Listen, I... I just want to thank
you so much for inviting me.

I'm just so thrilled
to be part of this thing.

Carrie!

I'm so glad you could make it.

Oh, thank you.

It's so good to see you
again, Mr. Fugita.

So, I understand Carrie has been
showing you around our little town.

Oh, yes. Yesterday
she took me to eat

at a very delicious rib joint.

Right.

Then a peep show.

That was his idea.

Didn't expense it.

So, Carrie,
where is your husband?

Oh, he, um, he...
he couldn't make it.

Hi, I'm Doug Heffernan.

I'm here for the party
in Mr. Brennan's apartment.

Take this elevator
up to the penthouse.

Uh, listen,
I just came from work.

Is there some room
where I could change in?

Nope.

Well, where do you change?

Changing room in the back.

I can't use it?

Nope.

Carrie got us tickets

to a wonderful show last night.

What was it, uh...

Bring in the...

'Da noise, bring in 'da funk.

Yes, yes, yes.
Very lively.

Hey, hon'.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry about that. I was sort
of bankin' on a hallway.

I usually don't strip at parties
unless I get paid first.

OK, honey.
Thank you.

Good to meet you, Doug.
Jack Brennan.

Hey, how are you?

And this
is Mr. Fugita.

Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, Doug.

So, sumo wrestler?

No, just fat.

Oh, Ed, Julie.
Glad you could make it.

Excuse us a moment.

What was that little stunt about?
I thought you weren't coming.

I wasn't, but then I felt bad,
I wanted to come surprise you.

You did! I was
expecting pants!

Would you give me a break?

I...I... I busted my butt to
get here to support you.

I'm sorry.
You're right.

I'm glad you're here.

Thanks.
Now, when's dinner?

There's no dinner.

You said this
was a dinner party.

Yeah, but then Brennan told me at
the office that it was just drinks.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know you were coming.

I...I haven't eaten
all day.

All right, all right.

Now, just listen.
We'll get you taken care of.

There's some hors d'oeuvres
over there. Come on.

Maybe there's something
greasy on a stick.

Wh-what is this stuff?

Well, you got some pickled
carrots, radishes.

Can I fix you a plate of this,
uh, shredded brown stuff?

This stuff can't be for people.

They must have
some kind of bird.

Hey, let's go find it
and put it on a stick.

All right, before
you start eating pets,

let's just peek in the kitchen.

I'm sure they're making
some hot hors d'oeuvres.

They must be. They can't expect
to serve people just this crap.

Hey, how are you?

OK, all right, come on.

Let's take a peek,
but be casual.

OK.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Oh, man, I love this country.

Yeah. Where else could a couple of
schmoes with nothing but a dream

end up with a multimillion
dollar company?

Oh, it's going to be sweet.

I think I'll buy
a house at the beach.

One that's big enough
for me and my mom

to have our own rooms.

I'm thinking boat.

S.S. Unipack
out of Newport news.

Whoo, that's living!

We got no problems at all!

None at all.

At least, not until
the patent expires.

Oh, right. The patent.

Then the market will probably get
flooded with cheap knockoffs.

We got to develop
some new products.

You're the head of r & d.

What do you got?

Nothing.

Nothing? What the hell
do you do all day?

You know, I think
the foundation we've set up

for the Nakamura corporation

is going to be just marvelous.

Community grants, scholarships.

And it's not a bad
tax shelter either.

Yes, but I know
that's not why you did it.

Of course not. With
all the success we've had,

it's our responsibility
to give something back,

and we're proud to do it.

Well, needless to say,

everyone at Jacobs,
heskell, and Palmer...

What are you doing?

I think I found
some kind of cracker.

That is a button
from the couch!

Would you just settle down?

Hey, uh, what you got there?

Mints.
Would you like one?

Oh.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Will you stop it?

I'm sorry.
Can we go?

Not until after the kabuki.

Excuse me.

You know where the restroom is?

It's right over there.

It's like a twilight zone!

Doug, what are you doing now?

Looking for something to eat.

This is my boss' apartment.

You can't just rifle
through his kitchen!

Carrie, if I don't eat
something in the next minute,

I will die!

All right, all right.
Let's just get you fed

and out of here quickly!

I'm not having
any luck, are you?

Nothing.

I guess rich people
don't like to nosh.

Chewable vitamin cs!

God, they're not chewable!
They're not chewable!

Doug, don't spit in their sink!

They're obviously clean freaks!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop!

Oh.

Eggs. Score.

No. No. No.

No. No.

I'm just making an omelet.

No!

Just a plain one.

Doug, they're gonna to start
to wonder where we are!

If you work with me on this,

it'll go faster.

I need a frying pan
and a whisk.

Oh, here you both are.

Yes. Yes.

We were so impressed
by your bathroom

that we thought the kitchen
must be really something.

It is lovely.

I love how you didn't spoil
it with a lot of messy food.

Well, we spend most of our time
at our house on the island,

so there's usually
not a morsel to eat here.

Really?

Listen, Mr. Fugita
really likes you two.

Come on back out and chat him
up a little more. Come on.

Sure. Sure.

Come on, hon'.

Come, now!

Good God, that is disgusting!

More than you think.

They weren't fresh.

What are we going to do?
What are we going to do?

When the knockoffs
hit the market,

we're going to be
hemorrhaging red ink!

It's not my fault. It's
those lazy American workers

sucking us dry
with their fat paychecks

and their bloated benefits!

You had to give 'em dental.

I didn't know
what I was signin'!

Look...

Maybe the thing to do is...

Bring in somebody fresh.

What do you mean?

Just somebody to run the
day-to-day operation.

You know, make the company
lean and mean.

You trying to squeeze me out?
No!

I knew it from the beginning!

You were just waiting to
put the boot in my ass!

You're crazy, old man, crazy!

You ungrateful punk!
I made you!

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm just trying to figure
a way out of this thing.

Well...

There may be one way out.

What?

We torch the factory
for the insurance money.

What if somebody
gets hurt or killed?

Then God help us all.

Oh.

What is it?

I feel nauseous.

No, you don't.

Carrie, all I've had all day
is a pickled carrot,

a box of tic tacs, 2 raw eggs,
and some plant food.

Just take deep breaths.
You'll be fine.

I know.

I'm going to throw up.

Doug, if you throw up,

I will leave you!

Sorry, but it's
out of my hands.

Hey.

Hey, thanks again
for coming tonight.

So, how's your stomach feeling?

Scared and a little hurt.

Poor baby.

As soon as we get home,

I will make you something
to settle it.

You mean, maybe like, uh,
a couple of pieces of toast?

OK.

And maybe some cheese
and salami in between them.

Ah!