The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 20 - Train Wreck - full transcript

Should I get that?

No, let the machine get it.

Hello. You've reached the home

of Doug, Carrie,
and yours truly, Arthur.

If this is Herb,
I already left for the movie.

Don't bring any
of those crummy sandwiches,

'cause I got chicken.

I'll meet you in the theater
in the front row.

That's right, you heard me.
The front row.

Didn't think I'd have the nugs
to stand up to you, did you?

Well, I'm not gonna
be your whipping boy anymore!



It's a new day, my friend,
so you better get used to it!

Anyone else,
please leave a message.

It's 7:30 in the morning.

What? Come on,
it's funny.

I hate our bathroom.

That's what you were
sitting there thinking?

It's just so bathroomy,
you know?

With the "blech" tile and those
horrible curtains, don't you think?

There are curtains?

Yes, there are curtains.

They're peach,
and they're ugly.

You know what?
Come look with me.

I will show you what I mean.

Carrie, I was just in there
for a very long time.



I gotta get to work.

They're sticking me with a
trainee today. I can't be late.

All right. Well,
maybe I'll stop off

and look at some
new tile or paint.

What do you think of,
like, a taupe?

You can go now.

I love you.

Well, I got 8 months to die.

You, uh... I'm
sorry, what?

I was at the cemetery
paying my respects

to one of your stepmothers,

and I happened to look
at my headstone.

You have a headstone?

Yeah. I prepaid for it
20 years ago to save money.

It says, "Arthur Spooner,
1926 to 19 blank blank."

They already carved in the 19,

so unless I die by the end
of the year, I'm screwed!

Uh, good luck?

You know, when I bought
the stone,

the salesman assured me I would
be dead by the year 2000.

You know what my mistake was?

I should have got that
in writing!

And here's the driver's lounge.

After a hard day on the road,

you enjoy some burnt coffee

and sit on a metal chair,

you know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.
Oh.

Any questions so far?

Uh-uh.

I gotta go talk to
him for a minute.

Uh-huh.

Phew.

So how's it going
with your trainee?

Man, the fact that they
think someone like him

could do my job
is very depressing.

Hey, is one of you
guys Doug Heffernan?

That would be me.

Hi. I'm Julie Patterson.

You're supposed
to be my trainer person.

Hey, how are you there?
Great to meet you, Julie.

Uh, this is Deacon Palmer.

How you doing?

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I was just getting
my uniform together.

Never thought green
was my color,

but I guess it is now.

Sorry. I have some hyper "first
day" thing going on here.

It's OK.
Settle down, Julie.

You already got the job.

Right.

So you ready to saddle up
and hit the trail?

I think so. Let me just
go grab my jacket.

OK.

Damn!

So, how did I do
on that delivery?

Better, definitely better.

Just next time you might not wanna
refer to this as the "signy thing."

Oh, I know.

I knew it as soon
as I said it, too.

What's it called, anyway?

That little baby's
your dicad board.

Take care of it, and
it'll take care of you.

What's that stand for?

Oh, it's your delivery
information coordination, uh...

It's your dicad board.

That's all you need
to know right now, OK?

So where did you get this?

Oh, I don't like to brag.

Let's just say I know my
way around a ring toss.

Very impressive.

Thank ya.

So, is she "hot hot"

or is she just
"delivery-person hot"?

"Hot hot."

In fact, I might even
throw in a 3rd "hot."

Really? You mean
"hot hot hot"?

That would be 3.
Very good.

All right, moose, just
bottom-line this for me.

Is she hot enough that you
might think about her

while you're havin' sex
with Carrie?

I don't think about other women

while I'm having sex
with my wife.

Oh, sure. So what
do you think about?

I think about my marriage vows

and the life we built together.

Ah, funny stuff, funny stuff.

So, how you plan
on telling Carrie

about this little trainee?

You think I should tell her?

Well, yeah, you gotta tell her.

That's a great big mistake.

What are you talking about?

If he doesn't tell her,
and she finds out,

she'll wonder why he was keeping
it a secret in the first place.

He'll never get out
from under that.

So what do you want him to do,

walk into his kitchen and
say, "hey, honey, guess what?

My new trainee's got an
ass like a nectarine"?

No. But he's gotta
tell her something.

There is no way that a
guy could tell his wife

about a broad
that he thinks is hot

without her knowing that
he thinks that she's hot.

Give me a little credit.

I can tell Carrie about this
without it being a big deal.

No, you can't.
Yes, I can.

I'll just bring up
the topic of work casually.

She'll ask, "oh,
how's your trainee?"

I'll say, "she's fine",
and we'll move on.

OK, let's try it out.
I'm Carrie.

OK.

So, uh, how's your trainee?

S-she's fine.

Oh, God.

Arthur?

Yello!

Nothin'.

Hey.

Hey, what's with the, uh...

Tombstone?

My dad got into a fight
with the cemetery

because they wouldn't change
his date of death for free.

God bless him, he keeps busy.

So, hon'...
Yeah?

I had quite a day at work.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, before we eat, let me
show you some paint samples.

What do you think?

You know, that's
the exact color

of the coffee stirrers
we have down at work.

Who was using one
of those today?

Oh, yes, my trainee.

I don't know. It might
look good on a sample,

but a whole wall might
make you wanna puke.

Well, at least you'll be
in the right room, right?

Puke.
Speaking of which,

I, uh, I almost puked
on my trainee today.

What?

I didn't almost puke.

It was more of a burp with ham.

Trainees.
Gotta love 'em, huh?

You know, they're our future.

So, how is your trainee?

Oh, sheesh...

I got a good one.

He's a nice guy?

You know,
it's a funny thing. Uh...

Wait, hang on one second.

Hello?

Oh, hi. This is
his daughter.

What?

Oh, come on. You can't ban him from
being buried in your cemetery.

But he'll be dead!

He's not gonna bother you
when he's dead.

All right.

I'll call you back.
OK, bye.

Hon', I gotta go talk to dad.

My trainee's a girl.

She's hot.

All right, anything up
to 70 pounds can go as is.

Anything from 70 to 150,
you gotta throw on

a heavy package sticker.

Now, don't be the one

who puts a heavy package
sticker on my back.

It's been done. Ha, ha.
I'm heavy, we get it.

Yo, Dougie?
Yeah?

Carrie's here.
What?

Yeah, I just saw her
in the front office

chatting with sheehan's
secretary.

Uh, y-you know what?
That's it for now.

Why don't you guys go
practice punching in and out?

What am I gonna do? I never
told her about Julie.

Ooh!

I tried to the other night,
but then the phone rang,

and she left the room.
I missed my window.

Well, I told Kelly
about my trainee.

No problem.

Hey, you know what
I was thinkin'?

Maybe you should go
around the back

and unload those
2-day packages.

But the 2-days
aren't here yet.

Oh, uh, well, maybe you
should go around back,

and, you know,
start to stretch.

Maybe I'll just get
our afternoon route schedule.

Sure. Fine. Good. OK.

Hey, what are you doing here?
I love you.

All right, I think I've
finally picked out a color,

and before I get, like,
80 gallons of it,

I just wanna make sure
that you didn't hate it.

OK, what do you think?
Misty aqua.

Misty aqua. Yes, yes!

Yeah!

Really, honey? You don't
think it's too light?

No, no, no, it's perfect.

It gives you that
aqua feeling, only mistier.

Maybe I'll keep looking.

Keep looking. Great,
I'll see you tonight?

All right.
OK. I'll see you, hon.

Hey, Doug.
Is this your wife?

Uh, yes, yes, yes, it is.

Isn't she a doozy?

Hi. I'm Julie,
Doug's trainee.

Hi! I... I'm Carrie.
How you doin'?

Fine, fine.

So what, you guys
have not met yet?

Have you not met before, 'cause
I... I thought I was, uh...

no, really?
I... I must be screwy.

'Cause... well, so here I am
with my wife and my trainee,

the... the 2 women
in my life.

Hah!

All right, guess
I'll get goin', hon'.

Uh, actually, Doug,
I think it's time

to get back out on the road.

Oh, you... you're right.
I'll see you tonight.

Doug? I... I'm coming
with you, right?

Uh, sure, I guess,
if that's what you want.

I come with you every day.

Listen, whatever.

Hey, Arthur.
Uh, Carrie home?

Not yet.

Hey, give me a hand
here, will you?

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm writing my epitaph.

OK...

Since I'm getting
a new headstone,

I figure why not do a little
rewrite on the whole thing?

Well, what do you got so far?

Well, take a look.

"Arthur Spooner,
husband, father,

true inventor
of the moist towelette."

Touching, yet paranoid.

I like it.

Yeah? How 'bout this one?

"Arthur Spooner,
your ad here."

All revenue would go
straight to you kids.

They both seem fine.

No, no. Too long.
I need something snappy.

Something that'll bring 'em
in off the street.

You got anything?

I...I don't know.
Uh, rest in peace.

No. That's not me.

Let's both keep at it.

I'll meet you back here
in 2 hours.

Hey, you!

Hello.

What's this?

Oh, seafoam, great. Yeah, much
better than that aqua mist crap.

Doug...

All right, my trainee's a girl.
I should've told you,

but I didn't. I'm sorry.
Can we please move on?

Yeah, she's a girl, and you
were afraid to tell me

because you think she's hot.

I don't think she's hot.

Doug, please.
I know you very well.

It's like you have a
window on your forehead,

and I can read your thoughts.

Right now, the 2 big ones

are "entenmann's"
and "she's hot."

Look, I'm sorry. I just didn't
feel comfortable talking about it.

I mean, here's
this cute trainee

driving around in the truck
all day with me,

and I wouldn't blame you if you
felt a little weird about that.

I don't.

Oh, come on, it's not
a little weird for you?

No! Doug, I mean, I know you
wouldn't fool around on me.

Of course I wouldn't, but her.

I mean, she looks up to me.
I'm the center of her world.

I'm the man
with the dicad board.

Well, yes, honey, that is
quite the aphrodisiac...

But look, I...
To be honest with you,

I'm not worried about
women coming on to you.

You're not.

No.

You're a decent guy.

And women sense that about you.

I mean, you send out
that "good guy" vibe.

You're nice.

I am?
Yes!

I am not nice!

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. I used to play
football in high school.

I...I used to...
used to shoplift candy.

Carrie's talking about me

like I'm this little,
harmless round guy.

How dare she!

All right, look, I'm out of shape.
I'll give her that,

but, hey, I got a thing
going on, don't I?

Sort of like a raw...
You know, sexual energy?

Yeah, absolutely. I just
wish you could turn it off

so I could focus on my work.

All I'm saying is someone
like Julie could be into me.

Carrie thinks it's impossible,

and I'll tell you what,
it's insulting.

You're not gonna fool around on her.
Why does this even matter?

Because there's
a principle here.

I assume sleazy guys are
hitting on her all the time.

Don't I deserve
the same respect?

Hey, what's goin' on?

Richie, what are
you doing here?

I, uh, I just wanted
to send in my gas bill.

OK. That would be the post office.
We send packages.

Oh. So, you got a box
I could put it in?

You are so obvious.

Come on, let me just meet her, moose.
Come on.

I got this whole rap
worked out.

Little bit of this,
little bit of that,

bada-bing! Who knows?

Doug, good.
You haven't left yet.

Um, can I talk to you
for a sec?

Yeah, sure.
Um...

Uh, um, Julie, this
is my friend, Richie.

How ya doin'?

Good.

OK.

You got game.

Well, what's up?

Oh, Mr. O'Boyle wants me to turn in
my union application by tomorrow.

Do you have, like, 10 minutes
to go over it with me?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, actually, you know what?

I...I got some stuff
I gotta do right now,

but why don't you give me
a call home later tonight?

Can I?
Yeah.

That'd be great.

You know what? I'll be getting
in probably around 11:00.

So, why don't you call me?
Here's my number.

Are you sure?
That late?

Oh, yeah.
I mean, I'll be up.

The nighttime is my time.

I am the night.

Doug, are you
gonna answer that?

Why me?

Well, because you're wide awake

and the phone is
on your side of the bed.

Why don't you answer it?

I love the way
you say, "hello."

Hello?

Oh, yeah...

Oh, yeah, hi.
Yeah, hold on.

It's what's-her-face,
your trainee.

Really? Calling me
at home at 11:00?

What's that about?

Yeah, Julie.
What is it?

Your union application?

Isn't this something we
can talk about at work?

I mean, it's after 11:00.
No. Not then either.

I spend my weekends
with my wife.

Look, I think you and I

need to have a talk
about boundaries.

OK? OK. Goodbye.

Jeez, well, what's tha...

Excuse me, honey.
I just need to...

You know what? I just
need to... real quick.

I just want to see if there's
room for a vanity here.

You know what? Can you
hold this, real quick?

Can I please brush my teeth?

What's wrong with you?

You called me nice!

What are you talking about?

When we were talking
about my trainee

and you said you weren't worried
because I'm a nice guy.

Oh, that's what this is?

Doug, nice is good.
Women like nice.

Let me ask you this. Who would
you rather have sex with?

A guy with an eye patch
who rides a motorcycle

or a guy who's nice?

Well, I wouldn't want a guy
who drives a motorcycle

and has an eye patch.

No depth perception there.

Come on.

Doug, what do you
want me to say?

That you're a little worried

that I have a hot female trainee
with an ass like a nectarine.

I'm sorry.

I am worried.

Hmm?

Yeah. I mean, now that
I think about it,

you're out there
alone in your truck

with her every day.

You know what?

I want that little hussy
away from you.

Don't.

Doug.

Oh, hi, listen,
I'm... I'm really sorry

about that whole phone
call thing last night.

I'm gonna level with you.

I like my gin.

Look, uh, you clearly
have some issues

you're trying to work out.

And that's cool,

but I really
need this job, so...

So?

So I asked supervisor O'Boyle
to assign me to another driver.

Ouch.

I also asked that my locker
be moved away from yours.

Ouch again.

Anyway, I think
you're a great guy,

and I'll see you around.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just so you know,
I'm not crazy, you know?

It's just you're
an attractive woman,

and I thought my wife
would be jealous,

and when she wasn't,
I kind of felt bad,

I flipped out, and I tried
to make her jealous.

Anyway,
I'm... I'm sorry.

Really? That's what
this was all about?

Uh-huh.

That is so cute!

Cute. Great.

Well, I gotta go.

Oh, um, by the way,

can I get your friend
Richie's phone number?

Doug?

Yeah.

You got a rush order pickup
at 1202 stratford.

Oh, I'm... I'm right here.
I'll get it now.

Carr', what are you...

I'm your pickup.

What?

I want to say I was sorry
for calling you "nice."

You're not nice.
You're bad.

No, I'm not.

OK, fine.
You're not bad, but...

I think you are
the sexiest nice guy

in the whole wide world.

And just because you're nice

doesn't mean you can't
get a little nasty.

Yazzbahh!

Mmm-hmm.

You mean the back
of the truck fantasy?

That's right, tiger.

Come on.

Whoa, that metal's cold, huh?

Do you have a blanket or
some bubble wrap or something?

No. I've got
a hand truck.

Still metal, honey.

Maybe we should just do
this tonight at home.

Yeah, maybe. I'm
still bad, right?

Yes, you are.

All right. It cost me
a pretty penny,

but this headstone business
is finally behind us.

I hired a Mason

to buff out the 19
and chisel in a 20.

At least I can head into
the new millennium

without worrying
about all this.

Ow! That's
a chest pain.

I can't catch a break here!