The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 19 - Rayny Day - full transcript

Hey.

Hey.

Did you know that we have
a tub of cottage cheese

that expired in January of '97?

Do I look like I know anything
about cottage cheese?

Gotcha.

Gotta tell you, nothing
better than a holiday Monday.

I had that panic moment when
I woke up this morning,

and I felt like, "uh-oh.
I gotta go to work."

Then I was like, "no, I don't.

"I can just lay here



and scratch
and touch all morning."

You do realize men died to
give you this holiday, right?

And I appreciate it.

Otherwise, I'd be touching
myself in Nazi Germany.

What's all this? Are you
cleaning the kitchen?

Yeah. I haven't
done it since, uh...

Well, ever.

Do we really need it?

Oh, please, this kitchen has
gotten so overgrown with crap...

I mean, look at this.

Do we really need
800 pairs of chopsticks?

Looks like you got a pretty big job
ahead of you. Do you need help?

No, I got it.

You sure?
Yeah. It's OK.



'Cause I'd be happy to,
if you...

Doug, what would
you say if I said,

"yes, I would like you to help
me clean out the kitchen."

I'd just run.

Well, don't worry.
I got it under control.

Actually, I invited
Richie over anyway.

Oh. How's he doin'?

Uh, not so good since his
divorce went through, you know?

So I figured if I invite him
over and we hang out all day

it might shimmy him back
into a good place.

Well, that's nice of you.

I'm just trying to be
a friend to the guy.

Hey, here it is!

Here's my pro-blaster
muscle powder.

That's what went wrong here.

So start takin' it now.

Nah. That ship sailed.

So, you find anything
you wanna watch yet?

No. Daytime TV is brutal.

What are we supposed to watch,

the way we were
on the romance channel?

That on?

Why?
You wanna watch it?

Do you?

Nah, I don't wanna watch it.

Look, classic sports is showing

game 6 of the world series...

the '86 Mets.

All right, baby.
Put it on. We're there.

Oh, wait. Actually,
it's not on till 4:00.

What time is it now?

It's a quarter to 10:00.

What are we gonna do till then?

I don't know. I guess,
we could just talk.

Sure.

So, how you been doing?

How you been feeling since
the, uh, uh, divorce thing?

Ah, pretty good, I guess.

You know how it is.
Oh, yeah.

What are you gonna do?

What can you do, you know?

Nothin'. I mean,
it is what it is.

Yes, it is.
You just gotta...

You gotta. That's the
thing, right there.

Absolutely.

Doug, phone!

OK, remember where we were.

Hello?

What? I'm sorry,
I can't... no, no.

Honey!
If you don't mind.

I'm gonna take this
in the other room.

Oh. Hi, darling.

What are you doing
home on a Monday?

It's a holiday, dad.

Is it?
Mm-hmm.

Thank God.

I could use a day without all
the pressure and the stress.

What are you doin'?

Cleaning out the kitchen,
daddy.

Hey, you're not throwing out
these rubber bands, are you?

They're all broken, dad.

So? You tie
the ends together,

and they're just as good
as new, Mrs. Rockefeller!

Well, there goes my day off,

right out the window!

You... you know what?

Just give me 2 minutes
to figure this out,

and I'll, and I'll call you back.
OK? All right, bye.

Who was that?

That was ray barone.

He wants to know if his
mother can drop him off here.

What, for a play date?

No. He's running errands
with her,

and he wants to bail
and play golf with me!

So, what do you... what do
you think I should do?

Doug, you have Richie
out in the garage.

I know. So, what do you
think I should do?

You invited him over here
to spend the day with you.

I know. What do you
think I should do?

Don't play golf.

But it's... it's
at a private course.

He's... he's got a... a tee time
and everything.

So play. Why don't you just invite
Richie to come along with you guys.

Richie doesn't play golf. Besides,
I don't think they'd hit it off.

It'd be like,

"So, ray,
you write for that paper, huh?

"You... you think
you could hook me up

with one of the models
from the underwear ads?"

"That's a separate department.

Uh, I'm trying
to swing!"

That's good, honey.
Now do William shatner.

Come on. I just don't
wanna say no to ray.

Why not?

Because we've only
hung out twice.

This is the crucial
3rd get-together.

If we were dating, today's
when we'd have sex.

OK, I'm back to
"don't play golf."

Look, you're a grown man. You know
what the right thing to do is.

I'm gonna play.
I'll see you in hell.

Hey.

Hey, this... this remote,
it keeps jumpin' around.

Yeah. Look, uh,
something's come up.

Some sort of an emergency.

Was that the phone call?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's this guy I
know this, uh, ray barone guy.

Ray barone, the sportswriter?

Yeah. You know, he, uh, he
wants me to help him out,

and, uh, it's gotta be
right now, so...

What does he want you to do?

Uh, go someplace with him.

I don't know.
Golf, I think.

I'm not even sure, really.

You wanna leave
and go play golf?

I don't want to.
Have to.

Look, if you wanna blow me off

to go hang out with your big
showbiz friend, then just say so.

No, that... that's not it!

I'm outta here.

I could still
be back by 4:00.

We can watch
the Met game together.

Forget it. Come on,
it'll be great!

Just like in '86, when
we watched the 1st time.

We'll get some burgers,
some beers,

we'll... we'll throw up on the
lawn like we did then, huh?

That was fun.

Doug, Ray's here!

So... so, 4:00.

OK. 4:00
on that couch.

All right.

So, 4:00...

O'clock.

All right!
I feel good about this.

So, 4:00, right?
4:00.

Yeah, 4:00 on the couch.
4:00.

What, 3 people can't
play golf together?

It's not sex, for God's sake!

I'm... I'm not
even a member.

You know, I just... I got 2 passes
from a friend, that's all.

Look, let me level with you.

The minute you and Doug
walk out that door,

my daughter's gonna beat
the hell out of me.

Uh, uh, you know what?
Just... just come.

It's fine, it's fine.

You're a good man, Randy.

Should we hit
a bucket of balls first?

Nah. Let's just get out there
and tee off, you know...

hu-ohhh!

I didn't see that comin'.

Yeah. With my job, I spend a
lot of time in locker rooms.

You never know when you're
gonna get a walk-by.

Yeah, but that one was rough.

I'm... I'm gonna see him
when I blink.

You gotta shake it off, man.
Just shake it off.

Yeah, but he's in there.

Hey, I had Patrick
ewing for a month.

I'll be right back.

Sorry I got held up. I was picking
up some golf balls for us.

Where'd you get those?

Uh, that big, open area out
there with the fence around it.

That's the driving range.

Yeah. They were coming
at me pretty fast, too.

I think some of those
bastards were aiming at me!

All right, gentlemen,
we ready to play golf?

Showtime.
Let's go. Come on.

Come on, Arthur.

Oh, man. Where did
this come from?

Damn it. It was
sunny this morning.

Ahh!

All right, well, you know,
we'll just wait it out.

Yeah, I guess. I just hope
it doesn't last too long.

So, tell me, Rory,

you like a good card trick?

Nothing like a day off.

Coming.

Coming!

Hello.

Hello.

So, I'm here.

OK.

I...I'm a little early, but I
will not drive in the rain.

There's just too many
maniacs on the road.

I know my husband laughs at
me, but you know something?

He's one of the maniacs.

Do I know you?

Oh, I'm Raymond's mother.
I'm supposed to pick him up.

Oh, I'm sorry. Nobody
told me you were coming.

They... they're
not back yet.

Oh, I see.

Well, obviously
you are very busy, dear.

So I'll... I'll just wait
in the car.

I just... I hope the heat
works with the motor off.

Uh, Mrs., uh,
Raymond's mother...

Yeah.
Yeah.

You can, uh,
wait in here, if you like.

Oh. The name's Marie,

and that's very nice of you, dear.
Thank you.

It's probably best
I don't wait in the car.

The neighborhood
doesn't look too safe.

Any card.
Any card at all.

It's traditional to pick
from the middle of the deck.

Fine.

All right, now look at
the card, memorize it,

put it back in the deck,
anywhere.

Not there.

Not there.

Not there.

Well, where?

Anywhere.

OK.
Not there.

Oh, whoops! Queen of diamonds.
Trick over.

Fine. You just ruined
a thrilling illusion.

You happy with yourself?

Rain
tapering off this afternoon,

followed by a partial
clearing and a high of 64.

Hey, you hear that?
It's gonna stop.

We should go tee off now.

Now? Come on.
It's still pourin'.

No, it's not pouring.
It's a drizzle.

It's a steady,
pounding drizzle.

Ah, come on. Let's
just wait, all right?

I think your father-in-law's gonna come
back and try to saw me in half, anyway.

You know, I... I guess
we could wait.

It's just that
the second the rain stops,

I mean, everybody's gonna
go out at once.

It's gonna... it's gonna be
a madhouse out there.

That's true.

I hate when everybody
watches me tee off.

Yeah. You know, it's like... it's
like they want you to fail.

Thank you! Yes.

What the hell. Let's
just do it, you know?

Let's golf in the rain.

You want to?

Let's just get out there.
Come on. Tough it out!

All right, let's... let's go.
Let's tough it out, man!

We're tough.
Yeah!

Come on.
I'll get my poncho.

Arthur, let's go.
We're gonna tee off.

Oh, no, not in the rain.

2 times hit by lightning.
That's enough.

Last one left me
a little rattled.

All right. You know, just make
yourself comfortable here.

They got my credit card, so if you
want a sandwich or something,

you can just sign
my name to it.

Well, that's very
gracious of you, petey.

Are you all set?
Yeah.

You know what? Hold on. I gotta
make a little pit stop myself.

All right.
I'll join you.

Dear...
Aah! Oh. Oh.

Did I scare you?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Can I get you somethin'?

Well, is it possible to
get a nice cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, sure.

OK.

Let me just, uh,
reassemble the stove here.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Just don't bother, honey.

No, just a glass of ginger ale.

Oh, all right.

OK.

OK, well,
don't seem to have any.

But can I interest you in a slightly
swollen can of peach nectar?

No. Never mind.

I think I have a sucking candy.

You know,
it might be good to...

For you to have
some ginger ale on hand

for company, you know?

It's the right thing to do.

Right.
I'll do that.

Oh, oh, honey.
Now, see,

little short circles,
quick circles

with a lot of elbow grease.
See, let me show you.

See, like this.

See?

OK, you got it?

You know, not really.
Could you just show me?

Here. All right?
See?

Little, quick, short circles.

OK. You try.

Like this?

No, no, no, not like that, no.

Just, why don't you
just sit and watch, OK?

Yeah.
Well, OK.

See? Like this.

Ah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Rain's picked up, huh? What?

I said the rain's picked up.

Has it?

Maybe a little.

Hey, sorry the pro shop didn't
have one of these in your size.

Sure you couldn't fit
into a medium?

Not since I was 11.

You're up. Why don't
you hit first, huh?

You really wanna do this?

Yeah. We're tough.
What, you're not tough?

I'm tough. No, I'm tough.
I'm just sayin'.

All right.

Whoo!

Oh, that's 250
yards, right there!

Oh, the wind's catching it.

All right, it's about 150.

What'd that go, about 70?

75, easy.

And you're right in
the middle of the fairway.

You gotta like that.

Man, that was the best
9 holes of my life!

You know, once you harness the
power of that jet stream,

you really get
a lot of distance.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Well, if it isn't Bobby Jones

and Bobby Jones'
fat, wet friend.

Arthur, what are you doing?
Whe-where are your clothes?

I decided to take advantage
of that pressing service.

Then I figured,
"as long as I'm naked,

why not get
a massage?"

Thank you again. You're
a very generous fellow.

I said get a sandwich!

You should probably
cancel your credit card.

Ah, don't worry about it. Come on.
Let's get back out there.

Actually, ray,
it's almost 3:30.

I really should get going home.

What... what? You wanna leave? Come on,
we're having a great time, here.

I know. It's just that I have somethin'
very, very important to do at 4:00.

What? What?
What's so important?

I'm supposed to watch TV
with a guy.

You're leaving here
to watch TV?

Come on, I just shot a 38. I got a chance
for the best round of my life, here!

I know, I know.

Besides, this was
your idea, right?

The rain,
the... the tough thing.

Uh, I'm tough here.
Now, you did that.

All right, all right. Let's go.

Come on. Come on.
Ha, ha, hoo!

See what I'm doing, honey?

It's the long, downward
strokes against the grain

that do the trick.

Yeah. Against the train.
I got it.

Mmm-hmm.

OK...

OK, student, you ready to try?

Uh, you know what? Yeah, I... I'll
give it a little later.

Wh-wh-why don't you
have a seat? Let's chat.

But...
no, no. Come on.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

So, you live on the island, right?
You like it?

It's fine.

It's a little far
from the city, you know.

But...

Sweetheart,
if you wait too long,

the wax will dry
and start to cake up.

I don't mind. So, you were saying
you don't get to the city much?

Just every once in a while.

You know, we'll go to the theater
or something like that, but..

Sweetheart...

If... if it dries, it... it could
damage the wood permanently.

I'll get to it. So, did
you get to see les mis?

Wasn't it so sad?

I...I'll just finish this.

You're up.
Why don't you tee off?

All righty!
What do we got?

I got an 8-iron.
What do you think?

That's fine. Go ahead.

I don't know. The pin... the pin's back.
Is that the pin?

Yeah, that's the pin. Just
hit it already, would you?

All right.
Take it easy.

Gonna tee it up
a little higher.

Wanna get over that bunker.

Yeah.

Oh-ohhh,

baby, be it!

Be it.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

You're up, pal.

OK.

OK, let's go.

You're out of bounds.

That's OK.

Go ahead, hit it again. I never saw it.
I never saw that shot.

All right, all right.

OK.

You hit a wagoneer.

Hit... hit
another one.

No. It's fine.
No. Go ahead.

Ray, I don't want to. Hit it again.
Nobody's watching.

OK! Whatever,
OK? Jeez...

All right?

There we go.

There we go.

"Oh, nice shot,
chubby!"

I stink! I stink!
I hate me!

You just gotta
follow through more.

I shouldn't be here, ray.

I ditched a good friend
to come do this with you.

Now I'm cold, I'm wet.

I'm shooting 140,
that's with cheating.

Man, if I'm ever
gonna live with myself,

I gotta go back
and... and make things right.

You... you understand?

2 more holes.

I can't!

All right.
Go, go!

Hey, don't forget
to take the old guy!

Oh, damn it!

Oh, God.

I am not a good person.

Hey, moose!

Hey, Richie, listen...

sorry I'm late. I was at o.T.B.,
and I just kept winnin'...

trifectas, the exactas,
a couple daily doubles.

Unbelievable!
Boom! $28.

You... you were at o.T.B.
The whole time?

Yeah.

Do the words 4:00
mean nothing to you?

Sorry.

Hey, you screwed up.
It happens.

Well...
What have we here?

One of Carrie's friends?

Oh, no.

No. I... I'm just waiting for
my son Raymond to come back.

Raymond?

Mmm, no one named Raymond
has been here today.

But, you see, I... I
dropped him off myself.

Ah...

You are as confused
as you are lovely.

So, can I take you to
dinner at my club?

I currently enjoy a
line of credit there.