The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 18 - White Collar - full transcript

Hey, Good Humor truck.

Doug, you're eating ice cream.

No, I know, and this stuff you bought
is pretty good too.

This "Healthy Selection."

Just the name alone
makes you wanna...

It's good. It's good.

Would you like a Good Humor?

No, no, no.
I'm fine with my frozen soy treat.

Look, they have a picture
of a guy jogging.

Yum.

Gonna get me a Bomb Pop!



Just go.

Arthur, wait up!

- Hey, guy.
- Hey, where you been?

I finished my route an hour ago.

I got held up delivering
to some old lady in Rockaway.

One of her grandkids bought her
a DVD player,

and she just panicked.

She was just standing there,
going, "Oh, my."

So don't tell me,
you just set it up for her, right?

Yeah, then I popped in
Armageddon,

she thought it was a newscast,
she freaked out.

It was a whole mess.

I keep telling you, man,
just say, "Sign here" and walk away.

- It's O'Boyle.
- What's he doing down here?



I don't know, but give me papers
so I can look busy.

No, I need them for myself.

Yeah, that's a good way,
that way and then take the tunnel.

Heffernan, I need to talk to you.

- Sure.
- Just leaving.

- Good night, Mr. O'Boyle.
- Good night, Palmer.

So, Heffernan.

- So, Supervisor O'Boyle.
- What?

Nothing, you just said my name,
so I was just--

Yeah, whatever.

You probably heard Perelli's going
into the hospital next week.

They're sticking a balloon into his
heart, or some damn thing like that.

Yeah, I did hear. Poor guy.

Hey, the man made his own bed.

He eats like crap,
doesn't take care of himself.

Yes, I've mentioned that to him.

Right.

So?

Oh, you want me to?

Yeah, the guys upstairs think
you've been doing a great job.

Really? They know who I am? Wow.

Anyhow, you'd start on Monday.

Let me know by tomorrow
if you're interested.

- Sounds great.
- So you are interested?

No, the idea of letting you know
tomorrow sounds great.

Fine. Fine! Jeez!

Dougie likey?

- Oh, yeah. Is it new?
- Doug, you bought this for me.

Think I would buy something
this ridiculous?

Oh, right. Yeah, it looks good.

I like the way it shows off
your dealies.

Oh, you can talk the talk.

But can you walk the walk?

Because the warden is here,
and she's angry.

O'Boyle came down
to talk to me today.

What happened?

Perelli's gonna be out for a few weeks
having surgery,

and the guys upstairs, they want me
to fill in as shift supervisor.

Well, that's a good thing, right?

Yeah, I guess so,
but it's just a three-week fill-in.

Doug, this is your chance
to show the company

that you're more than just a driver.

You see? I told you they liked you.

I'm just surprised
it didn't happen sooner,

the way you're poured
into those shorts.

You're gonna take it, right?

I gotta tell you, Car, I don't know.

- I don't know if it's for me.
- What do you mean?

Well, I mean, shift supervisor
is a very complicated job.

You have to supervise
the entire shift.

Wait a minute, didn't you once tell me
that a chimp could do Perelli's job?

No, I didn't say any chimp, I said
the chimp from B.J. and the Bear.

He was with it.

Doug, we both know
that you would be great at this job.

You're having a problem with this
because you're afraid of change.

I am not afraid of change.

Please. Remember I reorganised
the kitchen cabinets,

and switched the cereal
and the plates?

- Yeah, what was that about?
- Okay, relax, I switched them back.

The point is that this change
could actually be good for you.

For both of us.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, things have been fine so far,
but at some point, you know,

we're gonna want to have
one of those, you know, little...

- A baby?
- Yeah, one of those.

I know, I thought about that.

Hon, I know you're not one of those
ambitious guys

who's always looking
for his next big break.

And I love that about you.

But this break is being hurled
right at your head.

Just stand still and let it hit you.

You're right. You're right. I'll do it.

- There you go.
- All right.

And you know what?

You can move the cereal
wherever you want.

Good deal.

You're not gonna, are you?

So would you take orders
from this man?

Oh, look at you.

You look so adorable,
with long pants and everything.

- The tie's a little too short, hon.
- Yeah, it is, I know.

Although I think the problem is
I gained some weight in my neck.

Well, you look great.
Let me just grab a quick picture.

Okay, now look like you're
supervising people.

All right, that'll have to do.

Okay. Well, good luck, honey.

- I love you and I'm proud of you.
- Okay.

- Thanks.
- Bye-bye.

Okay, I'll be home by 6,
unless I get promoted again, you know?

Well, well, well.

There he is,
all dressed up for his first day

as a management lackey.

- Okay.
- Look what you've become,

a pencil-pushing little toady,
driving the workers till they drop

just so you can squeeze out
one more penny of profit

for the big bosses.

I'm just filling in for a guy.

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you
tell that to the poor Joe

who gets his arm ripped off

because you and the bottom-liners
wouldn't spend 5 bucks

for a lousy safety shield!

How do you sleep at night?!

By the way, let me know
when you're leaving.

I need a lift to the pharmacy.

Also, the Grand Central going north
is still torn up

all the way down to Hillside,

so you'll have to take the Van Wyck
and work your way down.

And I think that about covers it.

Oh, and remember,

be careful out there.

Hey, Deac.
See, I got you the airport delivery,

because I know you like watching
the big planes take off, huh?

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, listen,
regardless of my position,

I don't wanna hear any of this
"Mr. Heffernan" crap.

I'm still plain old Doug to you.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.

Well, I better get going.

- Doug.
- There you go.

All right, get out of here,
you knucklehead.

Let's get to work.

That's all?

- Hey, Deac.
- Oh, hi.

Come on inside,
keep me company for a while.

Been trapped in this office all day.

Well, actually, I was gonna go
finish my route log.

Hey, don't make me order you
to come in here. Come on. Come on.

So, what's going on out there in
the world, huh? Is it sunny? Raining?

Are the people flying around
with jetpacks?

No.

It is brutal in here.

Now I know why
Perelli had heart surgery:

Change of pace.

Yeah.

Listen, I really should go
get this done.

- What's the matter?
- What-? Nothing.

What? Because I'm your boss
we can't hang out?

Come on. Three weeks,
I'll be a schlub again.

Even schlubbier, really,

because I'm eating more
and I'm not moving.

It's not about you being my boss,
all right?

- Well, then what?
- You know, forget it.

- Would you tell me?
- Okay, fine.

Maybe I'm just wondering
why I wasn't offered this shot, okay?

I don't know. O'Boyle just said
the guys upstairs, they liked me--

Yeah, but I've been working here
as long as you.

I have as good a driving record
and a better on-time record.

So, what do you think happened?

What do you think happened?

They like fat guys?

Oh, come on. What, you think
this is a race thing, Deac?

I don't know. But whenever
this kind of thing happens,

it's always in the back of my mind,
I can't help it.

I wasn't even gonna bring this up, so
let's forget I said anything, all right?

Heffernan.

Palmer.

See you tomorrow.

So, Heffernan,
so far you're doing a good job.

Thanks.

I came to say this situation might not
be as temporary as we thought.

What do you mean?

I just got off the phone
with Perelli's wife.

They did the surgery...

...but it doesn't look good.

At least not for him. You might
wanna hang a picture or two.

Hey, how you doing?

Look, I know we've
never been that close...

...Louis.

But I just wanted to come down
and see how you were doing.

I brought you a book
of crossword puzzles.

I hope you like that kind of thing.

All right, I'll just... Here.

Listen, buddy,
I know you're not feeling great,

but you gotta hang in there.

I mean, you gotta fight, you know?

Because let me tell you something,
it is not your time yet.

You got a lot more routes to reroute

and invoices to stamp
with the punchy thing.

We all want you back, Louis.

Especially me, because...

...I hate your job.

Oh, I'm sorry,
are you related to the deceased?

Deceased?

Oh, man, what a day.

Ten-thirty. Rolling Hills Mortuary.
Okay, we'll be there.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. O'Boyle,

I just wanna thank you again
for giving my husband this opportunity.

Of course, we're still very upset
about Mr. Perelli's passing,

but we've always felt
that out of every tragedy

comes some good.

And God, in his own way--

Oh, you have to get that?

Okay, good talking to you. Okay.

- That O'Boyle?
- Yeah.

He called about Perelli's funeral,

but he also went out of his way
to mention that he thinks

you are the best shift supervisor
in the history of the company.

- He said that?
- Well, he said you're doing a nice job,

but I know what he meant.

- What?
- No, I just--

I feel a little bad, you know,
getting such a great job

because a guy died.

Yeah, I know, honey, but it happens.

You know, people die,
and other people get their jobs.

It's the circle of life.

Remember, I explained that to you
at The Lion King?

I guess. Yeah.

Is there anything else
bothering you?

I mean, you're liking
the job itself, right?

Oh, yeah, the job, it's unbelievable.

I'm glad. And I'll tell you
something else, honey,

it's not gonna be too long
before they bump you up again.

How's O'Boyle's health? He good?

He's fine.

All right, so you wait him out
five or ten years.

Meanwhile, have a salad
now and then.

- Enough.
- I kid you, that's what I do.

I'm just very proud of you, Dougie.

Hi, Mrs. Newton.

Got a package here from your son.

See? He did remember your birthday.

Hey, Tommy, good luck on Sunday.

Sock one out of the park for me.

Howard!

Here's your package from
Pottery Barn.

And give my best
to your life partner.

Or your best.

Hey, I'm up in the air. Okay.

Heffernan! What are you doing?

Get your ass down here!

No, no, no.

No!

Oh, wow.

Oh, I just had this really weird dream
about my job.

- Honey?
- You mean my job?

Thank you.

Didn't know Mr. Big was here.

Excuse me, boss,

may I have your permission
to open the refrigerator

in my own home?

Go ahead.
Even though it's my home.

Ouch! Had to zetz me, didn't you?

You're just so threatened
by anyone you can't crush

under your corporate boot heel!

Arthur, would you back off?

I don't even like the damn job.

- Really?
- No, all right?

I wanna be out in the fresh air,
talking to people, driving my truck.

I miss that.

So everything I've been saying
about your new job has been right.

I wouldn't go that far.

I never made children sew
until their fingers bled.

So if you don't like the job,

why don't you just tell them
you want out?

I can't. What am I gonna say?

"Hey, big promotion? More money?
Gee, no, thanks, not for me."

And Carrie's so proud of me.
What do I tell her?

"Oh, sorry, hon,
you picked yourself a loser.

You know, tough luck."

Douglas, let me tell you something
about losers.

In my book, it's the losers
that are the true winners.

Then what are the winners?

Well, they're still winners.

You can't take that title
away from them.

After all, they did win.

Thank you, Arthur.

God, I am starving.

I know, I can't believe she didn't
serve anything at the wake.

- Well, the woman is grieving.
- All I'm saying is,

funeral next door,
beautiful cold-cut platter.

- You folks decided?
- Yeah, I think so.

Hey, by the way, go crazy.
Doug's paying.

No, that's okay.
We'll split the check.

No need. You're here, so Doug
can put it on his expense account.

Just make sure you guys talk
about packages at some point.

But not now.

Okay, well, if IPS is paying,
I will have the steak sandwich.

Gardenburger, please.

Cheeseburger, medium.

- And for you, sir?
- Iced tea.

- That's it?
- That's all I want.

Order something else, honey.

A roll.

- Come on, what are you doing?
- I'm not hungry.

- You are so hungry.
- I'm not hungry.

Deacon, you're hungry,
so just order something.

I'm not hungry!

I'm guessing the man's not hungry.

- Nothing else, thanks.
- Thank you.

What is going on here?

Deacon is a little upset

because he wanted
the promotion that Doug got.

Oh, I didn't even think of that.

So then, you are hungry.

I'm not hungry,
and everything's fine.

- Can we change the subject?
- Yeah, sure.

Actually, he is more qualified.

What did you say?

Carrie, the man just said
he wants to change the subject.

Can we not talk about the fact
that we have the same seniority

and he has a better
on-time record, please?

- Would you knock it off?
- Tell her, jeez.

Although, in her defence, she's right,
maybe you should have the job

- instead of me.
- What?

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'll tell O'Boyle tomorrow
you're in, I'm out.

Tell O'Boyle whatever you want,
I'm not taking the job.

If the man doesn't want the job--

No, he wants the job.
You want the job, right?

Oh, yeah. I want it. But in all
fairness, I think he should have it.

Sorry, but I don't want it.

- He doesn't want it.
- Yes, he does.

- He said he doesn't want it.
- Trust me, he wants it.

Okay, Kel, I think I know
what Deacon wants

a little bit better than you do.

Deacon, you're taking the job.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- Then you know what?

The trucks will be crashing,
because I'm not supervising them.

- Neither will I.
- Okay, what is going on here?

They just chose me
because I'm the white guy.

What? Is that true?

I don't know.

Don't try to pretend
you're doing something for me.

You're just trying to get rid of
this job because you hate it.

Is that true?

I just wanna drive.

You know, I could keep the job.

That's okay, honey.

I mean, I could get used to it.

I don't want you to have to get used
to anything.

I want you to be happy,
and you're happy driving your truck.

I know, but I can't do that forever.

And there's our future to think of.

- Maybe you should keep it.
- But I hate it.

Okay! What do you want me to say?

That I should give up the job,
that you're happy I'm giving up the job,

and you wanna be with me
and another woman.

You can give up the job.

It's really, really okay with me.

I love you.

Thanks. I love you.

What about the other thing?

I'll tell you what,

you get it right with me,
we'll bring in someone else.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

- How'd your first day go?
- Oh, fine, fine. It went well.

Is this clock broken?