The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 15 - Crappy Birthday - full transcript

Subtitulos de la Chenita

Oh, my God!

- Hi, Carr.
- Hi, Kelly.

Is my husband floating around
here somewhere?

Yeah, he's in the garage with Doug.
Come here, come here.

Look at this.

Can you believe this?

Okay, it's an application for a
Greenbaum Smart Shopper card.

No, not that. Look.

You have to check a box
for your age.

The first group, right?
17 to 29. Okay.



Next group: 30... to 54.

Do you know what that means?
In 2 days, I'm going to be 54 years old.

Shut up. You're not going to be 54.
You're going to be 30.

Hello?

Well, as far as Greenbaum's is
concerned, there's no difference.

Hi, darling.
I got a situation downstairs.

I need some bleach, a Popsicle stick,
and several boxes of matches.

Oh, Kelly. What
a delightful surprise.

Hey, big daddy.
How are ya?

Fine, now that I've seen you.

Nothing like a cup of brown sugar
to sweeten my day.

Hey, all this sexual tension
is making me a little uncomfortable.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, she's just bummed out
'cause it's her birthday.



- She thinks she's getting old.
- What?

Aww... that's crazy.

- Is it?
- Sure.

- What, are you turning 24... 25?
- 30.

Whoa! Ye god...

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

I'm not wrong.
It's his real name.

Have you ever in your life
met anyone named Boyardee?

Hey, Doug, did you
remember to order the

Ultimate Fighting Championship
for Friday night?

My friend, I am a
Platinum package subscriber.

If it takes place
in a cage or a pit, I get it.

That's my man.
You're taping it for me, right?

- Yup.
- You're not gonna watch it with us?

No, my mom's coming in
from St. Louis.

I gotta pick her up
from the airport that night.

So, she can watch
Ultimate Fighting with us.

Hell, I met her. She could be in it.

What?!

- Hey, hey, that was not a mother joke.
- Yes, it was a mother joke.

And I'd be careful,
because she could take you down.

Man, this is going
to be sweet, huh?

"Aaron the Python Yuspovich
goes for revenge

"in his rematch against
Juan el Cobra Lopez,

"this Friday the 19th
on Pay-Per-View."

"This Friday the 19th."

Oh, my God...

What's the matter?

I can't see the fight.

The 19th is Carrie's birthday!

So what?

You already made plans
to take her out somewhere?

No, no, but I got to
do something with her.

Can't you just explain
that we got the fight?

That it's already paid for?

And you wonder why your
marriage didn't work out.

What are you doing?

Checking out how slow my skin
bounces back when I pull it.

Compared to what?

Compared to how fast it
used to bounce back.

Did you ever do it before?

No.

Well, how do you know how fast
it bounced back before?

You know what? You're right.
I should keep a log or something.

- What has gotten into you?
- My birthday.

- What about it?
- What about it?

I'm going to be 30 years old.

That's, like, the
girl-woman dividing line.

Up till now, it's been,
"Oh, yeah, Carrie, she's a pistol!"

Now it's going to be, "Oh, right,
Mrs. Heffernan. She's a handsome woman."

Who do you know who
uses the term "pistol"?

- You know what I mean.
- Come on... mmm.

Doug... did you already make plans
for us to go out that night?

Tch! Your birthday, what?
I'm not going to make plans?

Why do you ask?

Well, I just don't know how
much I feel like celebrating.

I mean, I'd almost rather...

you know, just stay home,
read a book, take a bath.

Really?

Am I... am I being
stupid? Just tell me

I'm being stupid about this
whole getting-older business,

and we will go out Friday night.

- Doug?
- Yeah, yeah, of course you are.

I mean, this is crazy talk,
you know?

30 is nothing.

- Although it is halfway to 60.
- Oh, my God, it is!

Look, I know exactly
how you feel.

I mean, remember
my 30th birthday?

I was so depressed,

all I wanted to do was stay home
and be alone with my thoughts.

Didn't we go to that bar
where you got drunk,

and you jumped
against a Velcro wall?

Outside was happy.
Inside... sorrow.

I think you should
just stay home.

You know, bathe, read, listen to a
little of that Lilith Fair stuff...

- Thank you, honey. You're very sweet.
- Sure.

So it's no problem canceling
the plans you already made?

No problem. I mean... the dinner
reservations, they're easily cancelable.

Same with the limo.

The other couple, I'm sure
they'll understand.

Oh, you already did all that?

That is so sweet.

What restaurant?

Hmm?

A very nice place.
Very nice place.

That new place I told you
about, Marino's, right?

Yeah.

And... and
who's the couple...

Deacon and Kelly?

Yes. We were going to
Deacon-and-Kelly it up. Whoo!

But, uh, we can do that
all some other time,

you know, when you don't have
this 30th-birthday cloud,

you know, hanging
over your head, okay?

Okay. I'll just stay home.

Listen to some Jewel...

You suck!

Not me. You.

I'm not the one who just screwed
with my wife's feelings.

I know, I shouldn't have.

It's that stupid
Ultimate Fighting Championship.

It was a selfish thing to do.
You are a selfish bastard!

Not me. You.

Would you stop that!

Make me.

- Shut up!
- You shut up!

- No, you shut up!
- You shut up!

You shut up... fatty!

Okay, that's me. Yeah.
I'm the fat one. Okay.

Hey, you are young
and... and beautiful,

and damn it, we're
going out Friday night

and we're going to do everything
I said we're going to do,

and you're going to have the
best birthday of your life.

And you have the springiest
skin I've ever seen!

What did you do in there?

Oh, come on. You can't
be totally booked up.

Not one table anywhere?

You know what?
Perhaps my friend, uh...

Mr. Jackson could convince
you to take another look.

You can't speak to him. He's
the guy on the $20 bill. Yeah...

- Honey?
- Yeah, yeah, can you hold on a second?

Yeah?

For tomorrow night,
what do you think?

I like the slutty one.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Okay.

It's going to be great!

Come on, it's
my wife's birthday.

You got to have
a table. Please!

Yes, that's fine.

Oh, okay. Thank you.
The name's Heffernan.

Yup, I'll see you
tomorrow night.

All right,
this is good. Okay,

table at Marino's, check.

Limo, check.

Gift, got it.

Card, got to get
that today. Okay...

Hey, man, ready to go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen.

I need you and Kelly
to come out with us

for Carrie's birthday
tomorrow night.

Can't do it. I already told you.
My mom's flying in.

Look, I know, but I promised
Carrie a big birthday night

when I thought she
wouldn't want to do it,

and then I felt so bad I
shimmied her back into going,

and now if I
don't come through,

I'll never be able
to live with myself.

No idea what you're
talking about,

but... I got my mother.
Come on, we're late.

Please, come on...
hey, come on!

It's 3 hours of your life!

Hmm...

you still want me
to tape that, uh...

Ultimate Fighting
for you, don't you?

Yeah. You said
you would.

Oh, I'll tape it.
Sure.

Just be a shame
if that tape had a little...

accident before I
could get it to you.

So, this is great.

We're all here for
Carrie's birthday.

It just feels right.

We're really glad you can
join us tonight, Mrs. Palmer.

It's not like I had a choice.

You snatch me
fresh off the plane,

don't even give a woman
a chance to clean up.

Why didn't you tell me we
were going out to a fancy dinner?

I said I'm sorry.

You should've told her, Deac.

It's not like we haven't had
these plans for weeks.

I guess I just forgot.

I got one word for you, buddy:

datebook.

So, honey, you, uh...

want to open my present now?

No, no, no.

I'm enjoying
the limo ride too much.

Anyway, it's too dark
in here to read the card.

The card, yeah.

Unh...

What you got going there, hon?

I got something
caught in my teeth.

I tell you, if I don't get
some floss,

it's going to
bother me all night.

Do you guys mind
if we pull over at a drugstore?

Oh, man.

This is the worst selection of
cards I've ever seen!

While you're here, why don't
you buy me a datebook?

Let it go.

Come on, I'm dying here.

These cards, they're
actually dusty.

What about this one?

- It's a chimp sitting on a toilet?
- It's funny.

What message is that
supposed to communicate?

I don't know.

No, it's not right though.
Come on.

Oh, will you hurry up?

My mom and Kelly are in a
confined space together.

Somebody's going down.

Wait a second.
What's this?

Oh, this is very nice.
Very nice. Okay.

Okay, let's go.

- Just this.
- $1.08.

Okay, there you go.

Uh-oh. I can't
change this.

Haven't you got something
smaller than a 20?

Uh, no, sorry.

A ten?

Still no.

Sorry.

Look, you got
any smaller bills?

Kelly holds my wallet.

Oh, you got
some woman issues, huh?

Okay, all right, look, I'll just...
I'll buy something else. Uh...

You know what? Uh,
give me a comb,

um, the Oh Henry! bar there,

uh...

throw in the nail clippers,

and give me a water pistol.

What color?

Uh, you got blue?

No.

Then I don't care then, whatever.

Okay, what does
all that come to?

Four twenty-six.

That's all?

Get some of these pretzels.

Yeah, yeah, give me
$16 worth of pretzels.

Oh, those are free.

You're killing me.

So, Mrs. Palmer, you must be so
excited to see Deacon and Kelly.

And little baby Kirby.
He is so cute!

Who ever heard of naming a boy
after a vacuum cleaner?

Some people have
no sense. Am I right?

Yeah. I...

I know just what you mean.

How many little ones
do you have, darling?

Oh, me? Uh, none.

- Barren.
- Oh, my God.

No, no, no, not barren. Not that
I... not that I know of. Ha ha!

It's just that, for the time being,
I'm going to...

I want to focus on my career.

Mm-hmm.

What do you do?

I'm a... secretary.

Legal secretary.

So you think it's more important
to type and answer phones

than to share your love with a
sweet baby that's growing inside you?

Well, I also arrange for the muffins
at the morning staff meetings.

- Hurry up!
- Stop pressuring me.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

I...I just wrote myself
into a corner here!

- Just read me what you have.
- Okay.

"Dear Carrie, you are nothing less
to me than a big..."

- Where were you going with that?
- I don't know!

I don't know!
I'm getting wired

from chewing
all this Nicorette!

All right, all right.

Just work with what you got.
Come on.

Okay.

"You are nothing less
to me than a big...

"pile of...

love meat."

Oh, man, I am blanking!

All right, don't panic.

Maybe we can play
with the letters here.

All right, what
if you turned the "b"...

Yeah?

Into an "8"?

Where does that get me?

Wait a second, what
if I change the "i"...

into an "l"...

and then I squeeze the "i"
before the "l"?

No, why don't you just keep the
"i" and draw in the "l", man?

Oh, hey, hey, yeah, yeah!

Oh, wait a second.
That's "bilge"!

Oh, my God, what have I done?

All right!
This place is nice.

What are we sitting
outside for? It's freezing!

I just thought for
Carrie's birthday,

it would be nice to
spread out a little.

Got the whole patio
to ourselves,

so we can
♪ par-tee! ♪

That's sweet, honey.

You're a sweetie pie.

You're okay?
You're not too cold?

Nope.

Well, I am.

Just take my jacket, Mom.

And be seen in that wrinkled
thing? I'd rather freeze.

Mom, take it.

She wants to freeze,
let her freeze.

All right.
I'll take the jacket.

This place looks
great, you know?

And certainly
no shortage of forks.

If I would've known
there were this many forks,

I wouldn't have brought
my own. Ha ha!

It's a lot of
forks. Yeah.

You all right, honey?

Fine.

You're shivering.

I'm fine.

I want the Ultimate
Fighting tape

tomorrow morning.

I...I got... I got to floss
again, you know.

Hello.

Arthur, look, I need you to tape
something for me on the VCR, okay?

It's starting in a minute,
so we have to hurry.

First, set the TV
to channel 3.

Then put a blank tape in the VCR
and set it to channel 82.

You got that?

Who is this?

You know what I'm
in the mood for?

A drink.

Where's our waiter?

Why are they all inside?

Because it's warm

and there are no pigeons.

Oh, my goodness.
It's snowing.

Oh! Oh! Snow! Snow!

Deacon, I am quite
ready to leave!

Well, we're not. We are celebrating
our friend's birthday.

Deacon?

Honey?

I hate Doug!

Well, I am leaving.

I'll just grab my luggage
out of the limo

and take the bus.

See you at home.

Mom...

Kelly, please?

Carrie, you mind?

Deacon's head's
about to explode.

No, you go ahead.

I'm going to make
a nice snow angel.

Now, put the tape in
and press the red button.

The one that says "record"?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Now, double check. Is
the VCR on channel 82?

I don't know.
It's not plugged in.

And why isn't it plugged in?

Fire hazard. I unplug everything
when you're not home.

Well, plug it in!

All right.
Here goes.

Are you there?

Yeah. Did you plug it in?

Yeah.
Didn't quite fit,

but I jammed it in
there pretty good.

Whew! I am so sorry
I took so long.

The food was really, uh, wedged
down in my gum, you know?

I think I need to see
a gum... dentist.

Hey, where is, uh,
where is everyone?

They left because
it was snowing.

Oh, so it's, uh...

just you and me, huh?

Yes, indeedly-doo.

Now, give me my present.

Give me, give me, give me!

Sure. Here you go.

Hey, happy birthday!

Ahh!

Uh... oh!

Think it's a card.
Ha ha!

Yes.

"Dear Carrie,

"you are nothing
less to me than a...

"bilgistic...

pile of love meat."

Doug, that is so beautiful!

It is?

Okay, I think you've had
enough to drink.

Okay.

I love you.

Come on.

Let's make a baby right now.

What?

Don't worry. We won't name
him after a vacuum cleaner.

Although Hoover
is kind of cute!

Hoover Heffernan.

All right, come on, baby,
take off your pants.

Hey, Carrie, come on, come on!

There's people!

You don't want to have
a baby with me!

I do! Just...

not before my salad.

What's wrong with you tonight?

What's wrong with me

is that I'm a big...

fat selfish person!

Deacon's mother was right.

Oh, she got you going
on this? Oh, God...

It's all been about me.

My life, my job,

my mai-tai.

Carrie, would you stop?
Please stop.

Look, you're not
a selfish person.

You're a wonderful person...

who's had 12 umbrella drinks.

So I'm being ridiculous?

Yes.

Ohh...

God!

Look at me, drunk...

pitying myself,

I ruined this beautiful night

you worked so hard to plan. I'm
not bilgistic at all, honey,

you are.

No, trust me, I'm not.

No. You are.

Carrie, would you stop
and listen to me?

The other night when you said
you didn't want to go out

and I told you I made all
these great plans...

I...I was lying.

Okay? I didn't make any.

I was so worried about seeing
my stupid Ultimate Fighting.

I slapped this whole night
together last minute.

Really?

That wasn't very
bilgistic of you...

That's not even a word!

I made it up when I
was writing your card

in the drugstore.

I mean, God, everything
wrong with this night

is my fault! Me!

Listen, Carrie,

I'm so sorry for tonight.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you, too.

Come on, let's go.

Can we moon people
out of the limo?

- Of course.
- Okay!

Oh, bring on
the Ultimate Fighting!

Arthur!

CHENITA