The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 14 - Dog Days - full transcript

Arthur, will you come away
from the window already?

The new neighbours are moving in.
Just wanna get a look at them.

Oh, yeah. There they are.

Gay couple.

Big, strapping fellows.

Those are the movers.

Gay movers, huh?
Everybody's got a gimmick these days.

You reading that?

Yes, that's why I'm holding it up
to my face.

Sorry. Carry on.

Not gonna work.



Okay, here you go.
Just take this, all right?

Funnies, huh?

Haven't read these in 40 years.

Well, let's just see what
the "Katzenjammer Kids" are up to.

"Family Circus."

Hey, Doug, can I read this to you?

Not again, thanks.

- That's odd.
- What?

This "Peanuts" thing
by Charles Schulz.

I grew up with a Charlie Schulz.

Wonder if it's the same fella.

Wait a second.

- This Charlie Brown character...
- Yeah, what about him?

He is me.



The bulbous head, the zigzag shirt,
and, hey, look, he's bald.

I was bald until I was 12 years old.

I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this, Douglas.

Okay, I'll wait here.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Honey,

which of these cartoon characters
reminds you of me?

Don't say anything.

Ziggy?

What?

Oh, my God!

What the hell's happening here?

Did you give him sugar?

Excuse me, but I can't control
what he brings home.

All right.

Have you gotten a look
at our new neighbours?

Honey, can we have them
come over here

and move something for us?

Relax, they're gay.

So these new people,

what do you think
we're dealing with here?

I don't know.

They'll never match up
to Mrs. Fryman.

Oh, I know.
She was the perfect neighbour.

Old, bedridden,
no visitors ever came to see her.

Well, that party's over.

So, what does society
demand we do?

Should we go over there
at some point and say hello?

That could send
the wrong message.

Yeah, we don't wanna
come off too friendly.

Next thing you know,
they'll be coming over:

"Hi, can we borrow some butter?"

"Oh, can we borrow your phone?
Our house is being robbed."

Don't worry,
I'll set the right tone early on.

I'll start them off
with a nice friendly wave,

and then I'll slowly
wean them down to a nod.

Not a big friendly nod either.
Just like an up nod, like, "Hey."

That's good. Oh, here comes
the couch, that'll tell us something.

White leather.

Yeah, it's nice.

A ship's steering wheel.
All right, don't know what that's about.

Oh, look. Look at the little tiny bed.
They must have a kid.

That's a dog bed.

Oh, they have a dog.

He's still barking.

Doug. He's still barking.

I know, that's why I had
large fluffy things over my head.

Yes, we hear you.

God, this has been going on
every night since they moved in.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.

- Quiet.
- Shut up.

- Quiet.
- Shut up.

Shut up!

Doug, what is their last name?

I saw their front door.

I think it said "Sacksky" or "Sackman."

I know it had "sack" in it
because I remember laughing.

Damn it, we've got
some of their mail too.

I wish I would have paid attention
to the name

instead of just throwing it away.

Why do you wanna know?

Because I was gonna call them,
but you know what?

I'm just gonna go over there.

What? Carrie, you can't.

It's 1 in the morning.
You're gonna wake them up.

Oh, gee, Doug, well, I wouldn't
wanna wake the neighbours.

Carrie, please don't go
over there now.

- Why not?
- Because when you get mad like this,

you charge at people
like a crazed rhino.

- I do not.
- Trust me, you do.

You don't realise it,
because you're all in there,

but we're all out here
and, believe me, we sense danger.

It's not my fault. I swear, sometimes
I feel like I'm the only one on Earth

who's not an idiot.

And you sometimes.

We're not talking about a waiter
who brought you the wrong order.

These are our neighbours.
We have to see them every day.

I can't make it up to them
by over tipping.

Okay, so how would you
like to handle it?

You wanna just nod at them
furiously?

No.

Tomorrow morning, we'll go over there
and we'll bring it up nicely, okay?

Okay, fine.
We'll do your nice thing.

All right. There you go.

You know, as long as we can't sleep,
you wanna take advantage of this

and go to a diner?

Okay, Douglas, here we go.

I got proof positive
that Charlie Brown is based on my life.

Yeah, what about Ziggy?

No, that checked out.

But look at this.

Schulz actually had the gall
to give Charlie Brown's dog my name.

- Snoopy?
- Right.

My last name is Spooner.

Switch the P and the N
in Spooner, what do you get?

Snooper.

Yeah, but take the ER and change it
to a Y, then tell me what you get.

Spoony.

The N and the P are still switched.

All right, you get Snoopy.

So I'm not crazy, huh?

Let's do this.

Hey, hey, hey.
Now, I'm handling this, remember?

Yes, I remember.

- But handle it.
- I will.

Don't be too friendly,
just get right on to the dog thing.

Don't diddle around
with these people.

I'm not gonna diddle. Now, back.

Okay, next time we knock.

Oh, so you guys
deliver women now, huh?

No, no, no. We're the Heffernans,
we live next door.

I'm kidding you, I know who you are.

Our bedrooms are right across.
Come on in.

Hey, Dorothy!
Honey, come on in here.

Stop unpacking for a couple
seconds, meet the neighbours.

Our neighbours. How wonderful.

- I'm Doug, and this is-
- Carrie. Hi.

- Hi, Carrie. Hi.
- Hi, Doug.

- Tim and Dorothy Sacksky.
- Okay.

So sit, sit.
We'll talk, get to know each other.

Actually, we both have to get to...

Sure.

Oh, it's nice
having friendly neighbours.

Our last neighbours
were so standoffish.

Well, don't worry about us,
we're stand-onish.

You're Amish?

No, no, it was a joke.

Because you just said, "Standoffish",

so I threw it around the back
with a stand-onish.

- Okay.
- Oh, good, yeah.

- So...
- So.

- Neighbours.
- Next-door neighbours.

- You said it.
- Yes, I did.

- This is nice. Isn't this nice?
- It's nice, yeah.

Doug?

Didn't you wanna ask
Tim and Dorothy something?

Oh, right, right, right.

- What was that?
- Wasn't it something about their dog?

Yes. Yes, Yes.

Yes.

What about our little Stanley?

Stanley, I love it when dogs
get people names, don't you?

Not so much.

- So, what do you wanna know?
- Actually, I just wanted to mention,

and it's so not a big deal,
but his barking,

although faint,
occasionally wakes us up.

A little, not even fully up.

- I'm so- We're so sorry.
- So sorry.

I feel horrible about this.
How long has this been going on?

Oh, that? I don't even know.

Hon, didn't you mention to me

that it's been every single night
since they moved in?

I may have, yeah.

- Since we moved in?
- How could we not have heard it?

- How could we not have heard?
- I don't know.

You know what?
He's in the backyard, and the alley,

it acts like a funnel and just scoops
the sound up to our bedroom.

No one's to blame. No one.

Yup, it's obviously the alley's fault.

Well, whoever's at fault,
consider this problem solved.

He just needs a good long walk
every night.

- We'll take care of it.
- Yeah.

Well, great. Thanks.

Forget it, we're neighbours. This is
what it's about, friendly communication.

I couldn't agree with you more.

- Hey, it's so nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Don't be strangers.

Oh, we won't.
We'll see you by the garbage cans.

Because they're down the thing, the-
I have cans and--

Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. Good one.

Hey, Dad. What's cooking?

This "Peanuts" thing
goes deeper than I thought.

Look at this.
Books, videos, merchandise.

Schulz has probably raked in
thousands off of this stuff.

My stuff.

Dad, is this gonna be like the time
you swore they used your image

as the Gorton's Fisherman?

Should I go put on my raincoat
and boots?

Do we need to go
through that again?

No, no. No, no.

I still remember it vividly
from my sweet-sixteen party.

- Hey, babe.
- Look what I found on the front porch.

Who sent us a basket?

A couple of folks
I like to call the Sackskys.

That name is still fun.

Really? They sent us this?

See? We take two minutes
out of our life to be nice,

and not only will they control
their dog, but I know a certain couple

who are now stupid
with water crackers.

Here, read the card.
Look at that.

"What is a neighbour?

N is for the nearby friends
who care."

That's us.

"E is for each of us
caring, sharing, giving."

Jump to R.

"R is for the rays of light
that are Doug and Carrie Heffernan."

Oh, look at that.
We're mentioned by name.

We're also in the phone book.

Check that out.

Call 911, tell them
there are two murder victims next door.

I'll handle the rest.

Carrie, you can't go over there.

I'm going.

For God's sakes,
they sent us a basket.

I ate all the garlic olives.

- Just get out of my way.
- No, Carrie. No.

All right? I'm not letting you go.
I will deal with this myself.

Okay, fine.
You go ahead and deal with it.

- Go ahead.
- Okay. Let me just get my jacket.

- Carrie, no! No!
- Doug, please,

five minutes!

- Two minutes!
- No.

Okay, how about this?
How about this?

I go over there, punch them
in the head, and come right back.

Carrie, no.

- Look, I will take care of this.
- But you're gonna be nice.

No, I'm not. I'm angry.

Okay, good. Okay, good. Go now.

- Go now, come on.
- All right.

- Can I get my jacket?
- No, no. Go now.

- All right. All right.
- Go, go, go.

- Yeah?
- It's Doug Heffernan.

Who?

- Doug Heffernan from next door.
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, just come on in.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hey, Tim.

I'm sorry to bother you this late,

but we got a problem
we need to deal with now.

Just- Let me- I just need to...

This stupid...

What's up, Doug?

Tim, when we came over here
this morning, you promised us

you'd get your dog
to stop barking at night.

Yeah. And...?

And he's doing it right now.

Oh, the- Doug, I'm sorry--

Stanley!

I'm so sorry, Doug.

I just can't find a minute
to walk the poor guy.

My division laid off
two people this week.

Now I am
the Marketing Department.

You know what,
I'm sorry to hear that, Tim,

but we have jobs too,
and we need a decent night's sleep.

I'm drowning here, Doug.

I'm 46 years old.

I mean, how do you screw up
a life without even knowing it?

It's just, if I don't get eight hours...

Tim, who is it so late?

It's just Doug.
Go back to bed, honey.

Did he get our basket?

I don't know.
He didn't say anything about it.

Yes, I did. It was lovely.

- And the card?
- Dorothy, honey, please.

You heard what the doctor said,
you shouldn't be yelling.

- It's too soon.
- I'm sorry!

Yeah, see, you just yelled that!
Stop it!

Stanley!

I think that one got him.
That was good.

Oh, it's not his fault.

There's no one to play with him,
no one to walk him.

He's just barking for love.

And what do I do? I yell at him.

Oh, that's real good, Tim.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Point number seven,
I frequently fell down

while attempting to kick field goals.

Point number eight, I lost
my virginity to a Peppermint Patty.

No, not the candy, Mr. Funnyman.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll hold.

Dad, who are you talking to?

One of the partners
from your law firm.

My law firm?

These bozos wouldn't know
a good case if they stepped in it.

Oh, well.

Oh, got cut off.

Right in the middle of "Rocket Man."

Hey, baby. Where you going?

Just out to the car for a second.

What for?

Just gonna check the tyre pressure.
I think she's been pulling left.

Didn't you do that last night?

The fronts.

Tonight I do the backs.

Come here for a second.

Do you hear that?

- What?
- Silence.

No dog barking.

You know, whatever.
I mean, I laid down the law.

It was pretty tough, but, you know
what, I think they respected me for it.

My big tough guy.

- I have an idea.
- Yeah?

Why don't you forget about the car

and come upstairs
and check my tyre pressure?

I don't know what that means.

Okay, I was going for an image there,
didn't quite land though.

Oh, I know what you mean.
Oh, I wanna do it too.

In about ten minutes.

Come on, Stan. Come on.

Come on, there you go.

Let's go, that's a perfectly good spot.

I would go there.

Let's try our luck over here.
Come on, come on.

Come on, we've been
walking for a mile, I'm cold.

What you doing?

This? I- I-
I ran into him out here.

Alrighty. Take it easy now.
Good seeing you again.

All right, let's go.

You've been walking that dog
every night, haven't you?

All right, I have, but not for him,
for me, for the exercise.

Let's face it, I'm getting pretty cut.

Where are you going?

To deal with the Sacksky people.

Come on. Would you-?

Give me one more chance.

Really, Doug?
What's your plan now?

You gonna paint their house
or service them sexually?

You don't understand!

Dorothy's sick
and Tim's under a lot of pressure!

He is the Marketing Department!

Carrie, so nice of you to stop by--

Yeah, save it. Here's the deal.

- Hey, Carrie.
- Oh, hello, dear.

Now, listen to me, both of you.

My husband's a sweet,
caring, easygoing person.

Luckily, I'm none of those things, so
I'm just gonna give it to you straight.

- Hey, how's it going?
- At night, we like to sleep.

We're kind of kooky that way.

So if your dog needs to go out
for a walk, how about from now on,

oh, I don't know,
one of you take him, okay?

Because if he barks again,
I'm gonna be back, yeah,

and I won't be in such a good mood.

I told you not to let him walk the dog.

He's your dog.

You needed something to love.

Oh, well, the only thing you love
is upstairs in the medicine cabinet.

Dorothy, you're not supposed to yell.

All right, you know what?
This dog is history, okay?

- I'm getting rid of it.
- Fine, go ahead.

I'm not bluffing. Tomorrow,
I'm gonna set it loose on Staten Island.

Please do!

So the tough little lady
decides to bring the dog home.

Well, he is cute.

And they are insane.

So I think we made the right move.

Congratulations, Stan,
you no longer have to walk around

with that embarrassing
Sacksky name anymore.

Now you're a Heffernan.

It's late. We should go to bed.

Actually, we are overdue
for a little thump-thump time.

You think we should?
In front of the dog?

I had to watch him with a poodle.
He can deal with it.

What is he looking at?

Oh, his former owners.

All right, Dougie,

Charlie Schulz is about to get
a taste of his own medicine.

Oh, yeah?

I'm working on my own
comic strip based on his life.

It's called "Beer Nuts."

It's about a gang of 6-year-olds
who hang out at a bar.

I like it.

Which one of the stick figures
is supposed to be Schulz?

The one with the zigzag shirt.

I thought you wore the zigzag shirt.

We all did.
It was our school uniform.

That's gonna hurt my case, isn't it?