The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 13 - Best Man - full transcript

Holding, number 73,
the offence.

Ten yards from the
spot of the foul.

What are you doing?

Well, from your tone of voice,
I'm guessing, not the right thing.

Why aren't you dressed?

Deacon and Kelly are gonna
come pick us up, like, they- Now.

Look, the game's almost over.

It'll take me five minutes
to throw on my tux.

Doug, I've seen you lose
half a day on a shoehorn.

- Okay, okay, I'm up.
- Thank you.

He breaks a tackle at the ten.
He's in for the score. Jets touchdown.



Okay, being on your feet
instead of your ass?

Not enough progress.

Hey, you try getting up off my ass.

Doug, this isn't fair.
Todd's an old friend of mine.

If we were going to one of your
friend's weddings, you'd be all...

No, you wouldn't.

Look. I'm at the closet, huh?

Have you showered?

Yeah, this morning.

That was six hours ago.

I haven't moved.
You pointed that out yourself.

Okay, let's come at it this way.

What's the argument
against showering?

Well, for one thing, the towel
I used this morning is still damp.



I'd have to get a new towel,
create a whole laundry situation.

Plus, second shower of the day,
shampoo? No shampoo?

It's a can of worms, Car, really.

Doug, come here, come here.

Shower, okay?

Oh, Daddy, you look so handsome.

Oh, thank you.

Something wrong?

Nothing I wanna worry you about.

Okay.

- It's that damn RSVP card.
- Okay.

Remember,
when the wedding invitations came,

we had to check whether
we wanted steak or fish?

- Yeah?
- I had just had a big porterhouse steak

at the time, so I checked fish.

Now, I haven't had steak in weeks.

You're right, I'm gonna give Todd a
call right now, straighten it out.

Dad?
Todd is getting married in two hours.

I don't think he wants to spend time
on your little entrée dilemma right now.

I was a second father to that boy.
He can't get me a nice piece of meat?

- Daddy?
- Yeah?

I will give you a thousand dollars
if you let this thing go.

Oh, if only life were that easy.

What's going on?

Just getting dressed.

Doug, your tux doesn't fit anymore?

It's those damn dry cleaners.
They must've shrunk it.

All right, let's just cram you in there.

Hey!

Can't just go right up the middle.
You gotta let me choose a side first.

Okay.

Okay, deep breath.

Okay, I meant, hold it in.

- Okay, all right.
- I'm working.

All right. All right.

A little more, baby. A little more.

Please, help me.

Okay, how's that?

Let me out.

Doug, I asked you to try on the tux
two months ago

when we got the invitation.

I know, I didn't think I'd put on
any weight.

That's it. No more cheese for me.

All right, give me the pants.
Come on, I'll let them out.

There you go.
Simple solution right there, huh?

Sweet cheese, welcome back.

Okay, letting out the pants,
letting out the pants.

Don't know how to do that.

Fabulous. They're here.

- Hi.
- Hey, Carrie.

- You look great.
- Oh, thanks, you guys too.

Hey, Carrie,
I may have solved the problem.

What if I iron up my black sweats?
No one will know the difference.

Don't think so.

What's going on?

He had two months to try on his tux,
but he waited until ten minutes ago.

And now his pants don't fit.

You see? That's the way
you're supposed to look.

Hey, trying my tux
on two months ago

was not gonna make me 6-foot-5
and black.

Don't remind me.
We're gonna be so late.

- Kel, do you know how to sew?
- No, but he does.

Beautiful. Sew like the wind.

No problem.

Kel, come upstairs.
Help me finish getting ready.

So where did you learn to sew?

National Guard.

They teach you
to knit little booties too?

No, but they taught me how to kill
a man with a thumb to the eyeball.

You should take them out
about two inches.

You're good friends with someone

when you're willing to shove your arm
up their pantyhose.

How could every pair
have a run in them?

I walk and sit.

To look at these, you'd think
I scale barbed wire for a living.

So is it gonna be a little weird for
you, seeing Todd walk down the aisle?

Why would it be weird?

Girl, you know
what I'm talking about.

Shut up.

It was one time.
I was young, I had very high hair.

It hardly even counts.

- Oh, nice work. Very nice.
- Thank you.

You must've been popular
with the other guardsmen.

I did all right.

I'll tell you though,
I still wish we didn't have to waste

half our Saturday
on this stupid thing.

Yeah, tell me about it.
Some good games on.

Carrie and Kelly are the ones
who went to school with this guy.

They should just go as each other's
dates and leave us out of it, huh?

Absolutely. Hey, you know
what you should do to get even?

Next time, drag Carrie to a wedding
of somebody you had sex with.

Yeah.

Do what?

Nothing.

What are you saying? Are you saying
that Carrie had sex with Todd?

Maybe.

Probably not though.

- Well, did she?
- Yes.

Before you guys
were ever together.

I assumed you knew.

No, Carrie never told me.

Told you what?

About Todd and Carrie and the:

- You weren't supposed to tell him.
- You never said that.

- Well, I assumed you weren't an idiot.
- Well, you assumed wrong.

I feel like I've been punched
in the stomach.

Okay.

I got pantyhose, you got pants,
we are good to go.

Long Island is so beautiful.

We should get an estate
out here, hon.

Hey, I'm looking to make a swap.
You order the steak or the fish?

- Fish.
- You?

- Fish.
- I can't catch a break here.

So, nice ceremony, huh?

I can't believe little Todd
is actually married.

Little Todd, huh?

So you really teared up
back there.

Well, Todd and I, we go way back.

- What?
- No, I was just thinking, you know,

what with you and Todd
being such old close friends,

I'm surprised the two of you,
you know, never hooked up.

- What do you mean?
- You know, got freaky, did the:

Is that what you kids
are calling it these days?

You're funny, honey.

Actually, now that I see him
with the lights up,

he's not the best-looking
bow in the bag.

Look at those beady eyes, huh?
That gigantic misshapen head?

Kind of a freak, actually.

You'd have to be quite
a hard-up skank

to wanna jump those bones,
huh, Carrie?

Well, skank is a little harsh.

Is it? Well, whatever.

Hey, look at that. Little fried things.

So word on the street is,
you ordered the steak.

- Yes, why?
- You didn't hear?

There's been some rumblings
about the meat.

- What do you mean?
- Mad cow disease.

I had it as a child, so I'm immune.

I ordered the fish, but I'd be happy
to switch entrées with you.

No, thank you.

Kel, does Doug seem weird
to you at all today?

- What do you mean?
- It's just, like...

Seems like he knows
what happened between Todd and I.

Like he smells it on me.

Well, men are perceptive like that.

Have you met Doug?

Well, no, no, maybe you
were just projecting a vibe or...

Deacon told him.

You told Deacon?

He wasn't supposed to say anything,
but I will tell you this:

He is in big trouble.

Oh, thank you.

What am I gonna do?

"We're just friends.
Part of the same crowd."

Crowd, yeah. Two's a crowd.

Good one, Dougie.

Hey, where you going?
You're with us, pal.

Just try to forget about it, all right?
It's not that big a deal.

That's easy for you to say.

Oh, and speaking of easy,
here comes the little missis.

I'm gonna find Kelly.
I'll catch up with you later.

- Hi, Carrie.
- Deacon.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

You know, we should just pop
into that reception line

and say congrats to them.

Great. Perfect. Let's pop.

Hey...

Remember when you asked me
if Todd and I ever had a thing?

Well, I was just thinking and I think,
maybe one time, we may have.

Yeah, yeah, we did.

I, like, totally forgot about it.
Oh, my God.

Anyhoo...

Nice room, isn't it?

I wanna take one of those
centrepieces home, just for you.

You finally come clean, huh?

Doug, please don't make
a big deal about this.

It was a long time ago.

Why didn't you tell me
in the first place?

It's an interesting point
I raise, isn't it? Isn't it?

Doug. Carrie, hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Congratulations, Todd,
on everything.

Oh, thanks for coming.

- Hey, you.
- Hi.

Come on, how about a hug, huh?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hey, Paula. Come here, you. Yeah.

Oh, God.

Have we met?

Oh, we have now.

- You look so beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm glad you're here.

It means a lot to me.

Let me steal another one, okay?

Oh, one more for daddy.

Doug...

I'm almost done.

There you go.
God, I love this kid.

So, Todd, I'm very happy for you.

I hope you have a long
and healthy life together.

That being said,
I need to talk to you about my entrée,

because I'm getting
the run-around here.

Okay, Doug, you made your point.
I'm sorry I never told you.

Now could we just forget about it
and enjoy the wedding?

Now it all makes sense.

"Shower, Doug.
Fit into that tux, Doug."

You just wanted to doll me up
and show off your trophy

to your precious little Todd.

Would you stop it?

We're together one time,
nine years ago

on a ski trip for God's sake.

Yeah, then why'd you need
to lie about it?

I did not lie about it.

I never once said,
I did not sleep with Todd.

You just assumed it.

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.
This is my fault.

Okay, so from now on,
when we meet a guy,

I'll just assume you did sleep with him
unless you tell me otherwise.

You know, maybe we'll work out
a little signal, all right?

Ah, this is no:

And this is yes:

You know, I'm not gonna talk to you
when you're out of control like this.

- Look what you did.
- I'm sorry.

I had the needle, the thread,
I just started gabbing.

Why do guys overreact to this stuff?

I tried to calm him down
but the truth is,

I don't think he is overreacting.

I mean,
you were friends with this guy too.

I'd be upset if I found out you slept
with him and never told me about it.

I'm just saying, you can't make
a person choose a meal

eight weeks in advance,
it's barbaric.

Please, can we just talk
about this later?

Because, you know,
the line is backing up and--

February 23rd, the year 2005.
Fish or steak, Todd?

Decide right now.

Doesn't feel too good
when you're in the hot seat.

Does it, Todd? Does it?

Mr. and Mrs. Todd Skobansky.

Aren't they beautiful,
ladies and gentlemen?

Now we'd like to invite
all the couples who are in love,

to join Todd and Paula
on the dance floor.

Get on up there,
ladies and gentlemen.

So welcome to the Todd-Had-
Your-Wife-Before-You-Did Club.

Kelly swore they didn't sleep together,
they just fooled around.

Which means what?

I didn't ask.

You gotta give the guy credit.

He nailed both our wives
and now here we are giving him gifts.

- Oh, hey, there she is.
- Hi.

So where you kids headed off
for the old honeymoon?

Not that it matters.

I'm sure you'll be spending
the whole time indoors, am I right?

I don't really know.

No, I'm just assuming that
because, you know,

once you've been
with a guy like Todd,

I'm sure everyone after that
would be a let-down.

Am I right or wrong?
Please tell me.

I think my father
wants to dance with me.

All right.
Hey, congratulations again.

Todd and I
were roommates at college.

And, Paula,
let me give you a little advice,

hide your laundry money.

But seriously, Todd and I
have been through a lot together:

Bio class, the big games,
keg parties at Phi Delt.

Todd never touched the stuff.

Oh, excuse me, I ordered the steak.

No, sir, you didn't.

How do you know what I ordered?
Were you there?

No, the people who ordered steak
have a black ribbon on their place card.

You have a yellow ribbon,
which is for fish.

Yellow ribbon? No, no, no.
That's for the hostages.

Congratulations, you guys.
And, Todd, I love you, man.

And next on the toast list
is Paula's first cousin, Jill McCarthy.

Well, Paula was always
the youngest cousin in the family,

the baby.

And, Paula, I cannot believe that
you're actually married, before me.

So, Doug, what's the deal?

You're not gonna come, sit and eat

because I slept with Todd
nine years ago?

That's correct.

Come on.

Doug, what is going on with you?

You know we were both
with other people

before we ever got together.

In fact, you showed me
that list you kept.

That's right, I showed you my list.
And you know what?

There was no one missing
on my list either.

In fact, I threw in
a few fakes just to fill it out.

- Okay, I didn't make a list, excuse me.
- That's not the point.

The point is,
we've hung out with Todd.

And all those times,
you knew, he knew.

Everyone knew
except the big fat idiot here.

I mean, were you laughing
and high-fiving each other

behind my back?

Yeah, that's what we were doing.

You made a fool of me, Carrie.

And I would never do that to you.

Congratulations, you guys.

Next on the magic list here
is Carrie Heffernan.

Come on up, Carrie.

- Come on up.
- Okay.

Hi, what can I say about Todd?

I'm just remembering now,

Todd and I ran into each other
a few years ago at a party.

And I was there on my second date

with this guy named Doug,
who's now my husband.

Thank you.

Anyway, I introduced Todd
as my really good friend,

which was mostly true,
except for one thing that I left out.

Which was that Todd and I
had actually been sexually intimate.

Doug.

Doug, would you listen to me?

Maybe I should've told you
the truth that night

but I didn't
because I really liked you,

and I wanted things
to work out between us.

I mean, if I would've said:

"Hey, PS, you see that guy
over there? I did him."

Would you have
asked me out again?

- I don't know, maybe.
- Yeah, maybe. And maybe not.

And then, we wouldn't have gone
to Coney Island

and you wouldn't have kissed me
on the bumper cars,

and I would've missed out
on the...

The best thing
that's ever happened to me.

You're referring to me?

Yes, I'm referring to you.

I love you.

I love you too.

Maybe I overreacted.
It's just that...

I don't know, even imagining you
with another guy just gets me insane.

Believe me, my thing with Todd
was nothing to get insane about.

Really?

Really. It was nothing.
And I mean nothing.

Nada. Zip. Over in a minute.

- Yeah, in a minute? Really?
- Yeah, if that.

And then he kept apologizing
and he burst into tears.

Then he said something
about having a fear of intimacy

because his mother
didn't hold him as a child.

It's like,
too much information, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Hey, is that microphone still on?

Hope you guys enjoyed
our little skit.

It was just our little way of wishing
Todd and Paula good luck.

Good luck, kids.

Play something.

And now, we'd like to invite
everyone who ordered steak

to join us on the dance floor.