The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 1, Episode 16 - S'ain't Valentine's - full transcript

Hey, hey, hey. What do
you think you're doing?

Getting my fingers
nice and foamy.

Just the way I like 'em.

Uh-uh-uh.

No wife of mine is going to
do dishes on Valentine's day.

You can do these tomorrow.

Thanks so much.

So, if you have
no other plans this evening,

could I interest you in a
nice dinner out followed by

a workout on the heavy bag?

Well, that depends.



What restaurant
are you taking me to?

A little place
I like to call Manzi's.

Manzi's? Doug,
you did good!

Yeah.
I did, didn't I?

All right. So, we're all set for a
sweet evening of sensual togetherness.

Meet you there at 8:00.

Meet me there? Why?

It's Spence's birthday. We're
taking him out for a quick beer.

Doug, it's Valentine's day. I don't
want to meet you at the restaurant.

Why not?
It will be romantic.

I'll walk in.
It'll be like, "hey!"

Come on, Carrie.
I gotta do this for Spence.

His birthday lands on Valentine's
day and he's Spence.

It's a rough combo.



All right, all right.
I'll meet you there.

All right. 8:00.

And we'll party
like it's 1999.

[Laughs]

You get... you get it?

[Dishes clattering]

Hey, Hef'.

You gonna get dressed? The
dance starts in a half-hour.

I'm not going.
I got a fever.

Here, look at this.

111.

Wow! I should be in bed.

Dad, what are you doin'?

Look, I just don't want to go to
that stupid old peoples' dance.

Why not?
It'll be fun.

There'll be a little bunch
of hotties there, huh?

Hey, I've been to these
meat markets before.

Those women are like vultures.

If a man has a pulse
and a driver's license,

they're all over him
like he's van Johnson.

Dad, cards on the table.

I want you out of the house by
the time Doug and I get home.

I want that very, very much.

So go put on some pants
and some canoe. OK?

- Don't I...
- No.

- But I...
- No buts.

Fine.

See, isn't it nice
to compromise.

Uh, hi, Mrs. Olchin. It's Doug
Heffernan. Is Spence ready?

(Mrs. Olchin)
He's not home.

Why don't you boys come
on up and wait for him?

[Buzzer buzzing]

Usually we just buzz and he comes
down. What's this all about?

I don't know. You guys
ever been up there?

You?

Once. When I was,
like, 10.

All I remember
is jell-o and fear.

[Buzzer buzzing]

[Knocking on door]

Doug!
Oh, it's been years.

Oh, look how
you've filled out. Oh!

Hi, Mrs. Olchin.

Oh. Come in. Oh.

You must be Deacon.

How did you guess?

Oh.

[Sighs]

And, uh, that must mean you're
Richie, the ladies man.

Well, don't try any slick moves on
this lady 'cause I've seen them all.

OK, sure.

Oh.

Come in. Come in.
Sit, sit, sit, sit.

I'll get us some snacks.

Look, a wonderful onion dip.

I made it with soup.

Soup, really? That's just, uh...
is Spence coming home soon?

Any minute. I sent him out
to get me cigarettes,

but the joke's on him.

I've got 5 cartons here
at the house.

[Guffawing]

[All laughing nervously]

Good one.

Why did you do that?

Because we're having a
surprise party for him, silly.

Oh, isn't it a grand idea?
I tell you boys,

this is gonna be
a night to remember.

Mmm. Oh.

Mmm.

Hi. Stoli rocks,
please.

Coming up.
Thanks.

♪ [Music playing]

[Sniffs]

Can I help you?

You smell good.

Yeah. Thanks.

You want to smell me?

Not so much.

Suit yourself.
I'm Tito.

And you are?

Waiting for my husband.

Whoa-oa-oa!
Tito retreat-o.

Just making small talk.

Waiting for my date to arrive.

Lucky gal.

♪ [Piano playing]

[People chattering]

Excuse me.

Would you, by any
chance, like to dance?

No.

But why?

Because I'm married.
Now, scram.

Creep.

Ma, will you come on?

Look at this place.
Where did you bring me?

A nursing home?

Forget it.
I'm out of here.

Now, ma. You have not
been on a date in years.

Now, you are doing this.

Look, try to enjoy yourself,
OK? I'll pick you up at 10:00.

14 hours I was in labor
with you. Very nice.

Goodbye.

I'm not talking to anyone.

I don't care.

I'm married.

Relax, buddy.

'Cause you know what?
I'm married, too.

My wife's in the hospital,
if you must know.

Wow, very nice of you to be
with her on Valentine's day.

Visiting hours
ended at 7:00.

All right, all right.
Jeez.

My husband's away on business,
in case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

So, what's wrong
with your wife?

Oh, they're doing
a... a scan on her

with that, uh,
with that scope thing.

Maybe a probe, too.

Sounds serious.

Oh, it's one thing
after another with her.

So, would you like
to get some punch?

Guess there's no harm in that.

♪ [Mrs. Olchin humming]

I don't like it here.

Where the hell
is Spence, anyway?

I just want
to do this and leave.

Hey, hey, at least your
wife's out of town.

You don't have to be anywhere.

I gotta meet Carrie
in a minute and a half.

(Mrs. Olchin)
I think I see him.

Great, he's here.
We'll say, "surprise,"

throw down some punch, and
get the hell out of here.

He's coming!
Quick!

Let's all hide in the closet.

Couldn't we just
stay here and crouch?

Oh! Don't be
a spoilsport.

Come on. Quick!

Chop, chop.

Go, go!
Make room for mommy!

Oh, I think I've died
and gone to heaven.

Mom!

Mom!

Ma, they didn't have 120s
so I got 100s.

Mom!

Surprise!

Surprise.

Surprise.
Surprise.

♪ It's your birthday,
Valentine ♪

Mom...

♪ So eat some cake
and drink some wine ♪

- ♪ Celebrate! ♪
- Mom!

Spencer, don't interrupt.

- ♪ It's your birth... ♪
- Stop it!

I... I hate when you
do things like this.

Spencer!

This is why I never have
the guys over.

You always have to embarrass me.
I hate you, I hate you!

Oh, go! Leave!

Just like your father

and every other man
in my life!

[Crying]

Spence Olchin pees
sitting down.

(Spence)
Shut up, mom!

Well,

at least you boys
haven't abandoned me,

or I don't know what I'd do.

[Laughing]

Probably take
a bottle of pills.

Oh, but this isn't
party talk, is it?

So, all right.

♪ [Music playing]

Who's gonna dance
with me first?

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Doug.

Where are you?
It's... it's 8:15.

I'm in hell.

(Mrs. Olchin)
OK, watch.

First they put
a little alcohol on it.

[Projector whirring]

Watch out, baby Spence.

You're about to lose
a piece of your tinkie.

Look, Carrie,
she's not stable.

I ca-can't just leave,

I have to finesse my way
out of here.

I'll be there very soon,
I... I promise.

Oh, dear God!

I gotta go.

OK! You boys stay here.

I'll go mix us up
some more happy juice.

Hmm, you missed the movie.

All right.
I'm outta here.

Let's do it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?
Come on.

This woman is very fragile.

If we walk out now,
she'll snap.

[Pager beeping]

That's me.

A 5 alarm fire in a hospital.

Yes!

Mrs. Olchin,
I have to go!

There's a big fire
and they want me there

since I'm a fireman, to put
the fire out, and whatnot.

Aw!

OK, but you be careful.

And don't forget
your goody bag.

Got it.

Have fun, losers.

(Arthur)
Oh, who am I kidding?

My marriage
is a loveless farce.

It has been from day one.

Well, I'll tell you something,
I know exactly how you feel.

Do you?
Oh, yes.

My husband and I
sleep in the same bed,

but we're strangers.

What can we do?
We took our sacred vows.

That we did.

Although...

Yes?

Sometimes I wonder
what it would be like

to forget those stupid vows

and share a passionate embrace
with a beautiful woman.

Oh, my!

Does my candor shock you?

Yes, but go on.

Do you think I could, uh,
buy you a dinner sometime?

Dinner?

Just as friends, of course,

since we're both married.

To other people, of course.

Of course.

[Both laughing]

I know a quiet little cafe.

Sounds wonderful.
Where is it?

On the ground floor
of the St. Argyle...

Hotel.

[Cell phone ringing]

What?

Doug, are you kidding me?

I... I just can't leave
until Spence gets home.

No, he won't stay here alone.

You know what?
I'm just gonna go home.

No, no, no. Stay there.

Listen, we can salvage
this night.

Just stay and eat dinner.

I... I'll be there by dessert,
I promise.

OK, fine.
But just hurry.

OK, I... I love you.

Yeah, yeah.

Did your husband get delayed?

Yes.

[Phone ringing]

I gotta tell you,
if I was him,

there's no way I'd let a stallion
like you wait alone at some bar.

A stallion is a male
horse, you idiot.

(Bartender) Is there
an Albert Blot here?

Right here.

That's my nickname.

Hello?

Hi, baby.
What's... what's keeping you?

Uh, excuse me, I'm ready
to be seated now.

My husband's gonna
meet me later.

Very, good, ma'am.
OK.

Well, would you wanna
go out another time?

Oh.

So the whole thing
was a big joke, huh?

No, no. It was funny.
I'm laughing.

Well, bye.

- Mrs. Heffernan?
- Yeah.

- Your table's ready.
- OK. Thank you.

Tito, you're with me.

♪ [Music playing]

[Inaudible]

Whoo-hoo!

[Inaudible]

Oh, Deke, do you want to cut in?
Whoa, whoa.

OK.

I... I'm just going
to the bathroom.

Hmm.

♪ [Mrs. Olchin humming]

Oh, you know what, Ronnie?

Looks like I...
oh, looks like I need

another one
of these apricot sours.

Another one? Oh!

Somebody has a hollow leg.

Yes, my leg is hollow.

Whoo!

Psst. Hey, Deke.

Think I have an idea.

When she comes back out,

I'm gonna pretend
like I'm having

a bad reaction
to that onion dip,

which, by the way,
I think I am.

And you offer to drive
me to the hospital,

and we're home free.

[Clearing throat]

You with me?

Deacon?

No!

- Albert?
- Yes.

Could you not touch every
single piece of garlic bread?

Oh, sorry.

That's mine!

Sorry.

Ooh, a photographer.

Hey, over here!

Is it OK if I get
a picture of us?

Yeah, fine. Fine.

Great. This way I can tell the
guys at work I bagged you.

That's it.

- Up.
- Huh?

Get up! Get up!

Now sit over there.

Albert,
do you have any idea

why that girl didn't want
to go out with you tonight?

No?

Because you act
like a schmuck.

Now, I'm taking a gamble

that maybe, just maybe,

deep down underneath,
you're not a schmuck.

So starting now,
you're gonna act normal.

Now, if you slip up once,
I'm gone.

Do you understand?

Good. Albert, look at my
eyes, not at my chest.

Good.

Now talk.

What should I talk about?

I don't know. Just tell me
what you do for a living.

I'm an assistant manager.

At?

Kinko's.

Kinko's, good.

Now as much as I may
regret saying this,

tell me more about that.

You realize, of course,

we're going to have
to be very discreet.

Of course.

We must never call
each other at home.

Right, and if we do,
we use funny voices.

So, you sure you can
make it every Wednesday?

Oh, yes.
My husband plays golf.

You?

Never played.

No, I meant, can you make it?

Of course.

Every Wednesday my wife
gets a high colonic.

Good.

So, every Wednesday
at the St. Argyle,

exactly 2:00 P.M.

We'll have a drink
at the bar first,

sitting side by side,

but never making eye contact
or speaking.

Good.

And then I'll leave first.

Pay for your drinks
so no one suspects.

And I'll, uh,

I'll wait for you
up in the room.

Perfect.

Oh, this is so wrong!

Look, we've lived by
their rules long enough.

It's our day now!

Yes, let's live for us.

(Allison)
Ma!

So, ma, you met a fella,
after all, huh?

Well, I just...

Hi! Allison Finnegan.

You two make
a very cute couple.

See, ma, this was good.
Give him your number.

I'll wait in the car.

She's lots of fun.

Oh, listen,
I... I'm sorry.

I... I'm not really married.

I just said that I was
to avoid talking.

And once I said it,
I had to stick with it.

Actually, I, uh...

I'm not married either.

Oh.

I said I was
for the same reason you did.

Oh.

So I guess we're free to get
together any time we want, huh?

No need to go
sneaking around now.

Nope, not at all.

Well, so long.

See ya.

So, I'm thinking
maybe next year,

I get a little more
money saved,

uh, I may take some
college courses at night.

You know, try to make
something of myself.

That's great, Albert.
What're you interested in?

Oh, well,
I really like animals.

So you think maybe
you want to be a vet?

Well, I was thinking
dog-walker.

But the vet thing
sounds good, too.

So, Albert, congratulations.

You made it all the way
through dinner acting normal.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh.

Actually I... I had
a decent time.

And I feel like I did
a public service

for any women who have to
come near you in the future.

Thanks!

Here's your check.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

Don't worry, Al, I got it.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, hey, I appreciate that.

Hey, she may be
paying for dinner,

but I'm gonna earn it later,

if you know what I mean.

Couldn't make it to the
finish line, could ya?

♪ [Music playing]

[Switches off music]

Spencey, you home?

Uh, yeah.

Come give mommy a big kiss.

I can't.

I gotta go back out
and get some Star Trek stuff.

OK.

Sorry about
what I said before.

I love you.

I love you, too.

By the way,
Doug stayed the longest.

Happy Valentine's day.

Happy Valentine's day
to you, too.

You still want to fool around?

I had a rough night.

Could you just sing to me?

Come here, baby.

[Clearing throat]

♪ It's your birthday,
Valentine ♪

That's not funny.

[Crashing]