The Jeffersons (1975–1985): Season 5, Episode 7 - Me and Billy Dee - full transcript

♪ WELL, WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO A DELUXE APARTMENT ♪

♪ IN THE SKY ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE
OF THE PIE ♪



♪ FISH DON'T FRY
IN THE KITCHEN ♪

♪ BEANS DON'T BURN
ON THE GRILL ♪

♪ TOOK A WHOLE LOT OF TRYIN' ♪

THAT HILL ♪
GET UP
♪ JUST TO

♪ NOW WE'RE UP
IN THE BIG LEAGUES ♪

♪ GETTIN' OUR TURN AT BAT ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S YOU AND ME, BABY ♪

♪ THERE AIN'T
NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO A DELUXE APARTMENT ♪



♪ IN THE SKY ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE
OF THE PIE ♪♪

NOW, THIS PIECE GOES...

HERE.

DO YOU MIND?

NO.
I LOVE JIGSAW PUZZLES.

DAMN, DAMN!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THOSE DAMN RUSSIANS.

HUH?

THE U.N.'s HAVING PROBLEMS
WITH THE RUSSIANS,

SO ANDREW YOUNG
WON'T BE AT OUR DINNER.

THAT'S A SHAME.

GEORGE IS IN CHARGE
OF GETTING A SPEAKER

FOR THE HARLEM BOYS CLUB
FUND-RAISING DINNER.

BENTLEY PROMISED ME
ANDREW YOUNG.

NOW WE GOT NOBODY...
NOT EVEN A LOUSY POLITICIAN.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER CELEBRITY
IN NEW YORK YOU CAN GET.

THERE IS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET HIM.

WHO?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

THE BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

THE BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
WHOSE PICTURE'S OVER MY BED...

AND OVER MY DRESSER...

AND OVER MY NIGHTSTAND?

YOU HAVE THREE PICTURES OF
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS IN YOUR ROOM?

NO, JUST ONE GREAT BIG ONE.

BILLY DEE FROM HEAD TO TOE.

AREN'T YOU GETTING
A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY?

THAT MAN CAN
CARRY ME AWAY ANYTIME.

WHAT MADE YOU THINK
OF BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

HE'D BE PERFECT.
HE'S A BIG STAR,

HE WAS RAISED IN HARLEM,
AND HE'S IN TOWN FILMING.

YOU GONNA ASK HIM?

FIRST I GOTTA GET
HIS TELEPHONE NUMBER.

FORGET IT. AIN'T NO WAY
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

WILL TALK TO
A NOBODY LIKE YOU.

THE CLOSEST YOU
EVER GOT TO HIM

IS THEM DUMB
FAN MAGAZINES.

THOSE MAGAZINES EXAGGERATE
ABOUT ALL THE STARS.

RIGHT!
HE'S LIKE ANYONE ELSE.

HE PUTS HIS PANTS ON
ONE LEG AT A TIME.

IS THAT IN THE NEW ISSUE?

IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR YOU TO MEET HIM.

I'M GONNA MEET
HIM RIGHT NOW.

IN YOUR BEDROOM?

IN MY DREAMS.

I'M GONNA GET MY FAN MAGAZINE,
TAKE MY NAP

AND FLOAT HIGH AND FREE
WITH BILLY DEE.

SHE'S GETTING WEIRDER
EVERY DAY.

KEEP HER AWAY
FROM THE KNIVES.

HOW ABOUT SOME PIE
AND COFFEE?

GREAT.

HOW CAN YOU EAT
WHEN I GOT PROBLEMS?

IF I STOPPED EATING EVERY TIME
YOU HAD A PROBLEM,

I WOULD'VE STARVED
YEARS AGO.

DID YOU GET IT?

YES, SIR.
I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.

I HAD TO TALK
WITH THREE DOORMEN

TO GET THE NAME OF
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS'S HOTEL.

AND TWO MAIDS
TO GET HIS ROOM NUMBER.

PLUS A BELLBOY
TO GET HIS PHONE NUMBER.

THANKS, RALPH.
I'LL CALL HIM NOW.

SUPPOSE HE DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO ME.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT
OF A DOUBLE?

I HAD A DRINK.

A LOOK-ALIKE.

WHAT?

A TALENT AGENCY IN TOWN

HANDLES LOOK-ALIKES
OF FAMOUS PEOPLE.

THEY HIRE THEM OUT.

WOULD THEY HAVE
A BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

IT'S POSSIBLE.
I CAN LOOK INTO IT
FURTHER.

SEE IF THEY GOT
A BILLY DEE WILLIAMS DOUBLE.

IF THEY AIN'T,
GET A DOUBLE FOR ME.

I'LL NEED IT TOMORROW NIGHT.

I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT ANDREW YOUNG,

BUT THE SALT TALKS
ARE IMPORTANT.

WE GIVE THEM WHEAT.

NOW THEY WANT SALT!

NO, MR. J.

SALT MEANS
"STRATEGIC ARMS
LIMITATIONS TALKS."

I STILL NEED A SPEAKER

FOR TOMORROW NIGHT'S DINNER.

WHO DO YOU WANT?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

YOU KNOW HIM?

HE WON'T TALK TO ME.

I HAD THE SAME
PROBLEM ONCE.

WITH BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

NO. I DON'T KNOW HIM.

OUR CRICKET CLUB
NEEDED A FAMOUS SPEAKER

FOR A FUND-RAISING DINNER.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE HAD
ROAST LEG OF MUTTON,
MINT SAUCE...

WHAT ABOUT THE SPEAKER?

HE WOULDN'T TAKE
ANY OF MY CALLS.

MY UNCLE FINALLY
GOT HIM FOR ME.

HOW?

MY UNCLE'S
A FAMOUS AUTHOR.

I HAD HIM
CALL FOR ME.

IT TAKES A V.I.P.
TO GET TO A V.I.P.

EXACTLY.

BENTLEY, YOU'RE A GENIUS.

I HAVE A HIGH I.Q.,

BUT A TRUE GENIUS
IS ECCENTRIC.

ECCENTRIC?

STRANGE, WEIRD,
A BIT DAFT.

YOU'RE A GENIUS!

FAMOUS AUTHOR.

FAMOUS AUTHOR.

I GOT IT!

HELLO. I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
TO BILLY DEE WILLIAMS, PLEASE.

IT IS?
HEY, GO AHEAD!

UH, BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

THIS IS ALEX HALEY.

THAT'S RIGHT.
THE FAMOUS AUTHOR.

LOOK, I'M IN TOWN
FOR A WORTHY CAUSE,

THE HARLEM BOYS CLUB.

I'M SPEAKING AT
A FUND-RAISING DINNER TOMORROW.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEAK, TOO?

YOU CAN?
GREAT!

WE'LL MEET
AT GEORGE JEFFERSON'S PLACE.

YOU KNOW GEORGE JEFFERSON,
THE FAMOUS DRY CLEANER.

HE READS ALL MY BOOKS,
AND HE'S SEEN ALL YOUR MOVIES.

HE'LL SEND A LIMOUSINE OVER
ABOUT 6:00.

OK. FINE. BYE.

I DID IT!
I DID IT!

WEEZY, I DID IT!

DID WHAT?
SWALLOW A FROG?

WHAT IS ALL THE NOISE?

GUESS WHO'S
COMING HERE
TOMORROW.

WHO?

I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE...
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

WHAT?

HE'S COMING HERE?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?

SHUT UP!
LET ME TALK.

HE'S COMING HERE
BEFORE THE BOYS CLUB DINNER.

HOW DID YOU
ARRANGE THAT?

I TOLD HIM
I WAS IMPORTANT.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
COMING DOWN TO EARTH

TO MINGLE
WITH US MORTALS!

HE'S ONLY A MAN.

ONLY A MAN?

YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT MY DREAM PRINCE,

A DUDE WHO'S ONE OF A KIND.

HE'S SUGAR AND SPICE
AND EVERYTHING NICE.

WHEN YOU MEET
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS IN PERSON,

YOU'LL FIND
THAT HE'S AN ORDINARY GUY.

WE'LL SEE
HOW NORMAL HE ACTS

WHEN HE SEES ME
IN MY BLUE DRESS.

WHY YOUR BLUE DRESS?

BLUE IS HIS FAVORITE COLOR.

THERE'S NO NEED
TO DO ANYTHING SPECIAL

JUST BECAUSE
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS IS COMING.

I BETTER RUN UPSTAIRS

AND GET AN APPOINTMENT
WITH MY HAIRDRESSER!

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS!

LORD, YOU MAY NOT COME
WHEN WE CALL YOU,

BUT YOU AIN'T NEVER LATE.

DO YOU THINK
WE HAVE TIME

TO REDECORATE
THE WHOLE APARTMENT?

FLORENCE,
ANSWER THE DOOR.

IS MR. JEFFERSON
AROUND?

HE'S IN THE BEDROOM
WITH MRS. JEFFERSON.

I HAVE SOME INFORMATION
FOR HIM.

OK.

TELL MR. JEFFERSON

THERE IS A DOUBLE
FOR BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

A DOUBLE?

IF MR. JEFFERSON
WANTS TO HIRE HIM,

HAVE HIM CALL
THE FAMOUS DOUBLES AGENCY.

THIS IS THEIR PHONE NUMBER.

HIRE SOMEBODY?

I THINK
HE ALREADY DID.

PARDON?

THE DOUBLE
IS COMING HERE TOMORROW.

I GUESS EVERYTHING'S
ALL RIGHT.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE
SOME OF THE TIME,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER
FOOL FLORENCE JOHNSTON

WITH NO TWO-BIT COPY
OF BILLY DEE WILLIAMS!

♪ DO-BE-DEE
DA-BA-DEE ♪

HEY, WEEZY!

COMING, GEORGE.

HEY!

IS FLORENCE MAKING
HORS D'OEUVRES?

SHE'S IN HER ROOM.

SHE WON'T COME OUT
UNTIL SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'LL BE IN THERE
FOR A YEAR.

HOW DID YOU GET HIM
TO COME OVER?

I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

WEEZY,
WAIT A MINUTE.

WELCOME!

WHY, THANK YOU, LOUISE.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I WAS JUST GOING OUT
TO BUY GROCERIES.

WEARING THAT?

YOU NEVER KNOW
WHO YOU'LL MEET.

COME WITH ME, LOUISE.

I CAN'T.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
IS COMING.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

I MAY AS WELL WAIT.

WE CAN GO
AFTER HE LEAVES.

WHAT A LOVELY
BLUE OUTFIT.

THANK YOU, LOUISE.
I LOVE BLUE.

ME, TOO.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT FLORENCE
WILL LOOK LIKE.

SOMEBODY CALL ME?

FLORENCE,
WHY ARE YOU
DRESSED LIKE THAT?

I DECIDED TO RELAX
FOR THE EVENING.

RELAX SOMEPLACE ELSE.

YOU'LL SCARE BILLY DEE.

HE'LL BE HERE SOON.

HE'S JUST
AN ORDINARY GUY.

AIN'T NO NEED
TO GET GUSSIED UP.

YOU TWO DIDN'T
DO NOTHING SPECIAL.

I WANT YOU
TO GET LOST!

GEORGE,
FLORENCE ISN'T HURTING ANYTHING.

MR. WILLIAMS WON'T MIND.

THE HELL HE WON'T!

HE DON'T WANT TO MEET
ANY SLOPPY OLD MAID.

GEORGE!
GEORGE!

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

IS THIS
THE JEFFERSON'S
APARTMENT?

BILLY DEE!
COME ON IN.

HEY!
I'M GEORGE JEFFERSON.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

MEET MY WIFE,
LOUISE.

HELLO,
MRS. JEFFERSON.

CALL ME LOUISE,
DILLY BEE.

WILLY DILL.

CAN I CALL YOU...

YOU CAN CALL ME
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

OH!

EXCUSE ME,
WILLY BILL.

I MEAN BILLY C.

BILLY DEE.

THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR
HELEN WILLIS.

H...

H...

IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

I NEED A DRINK OF WATER.

THIS IS OUR MAID,
FLORENCE.

SHE'S NOT
FEELING TOO GOOD.

I'M FEELING FINE.

PLEASED
TO MEET YOU.

THAT GOES
DOUBLE FOR ME,

AND I DO MEAN DOUBLE.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN,
BILLY?

THANK YOU.

WON'T YOU JOIN ME?

I'D LOVE TO.

IS ALEX HERE YET?

ALEX?

YES, ALEX HALEY.

IS HE
COMING HERE, TOO?

HE'S A GOOD FRIEND
OF YOUR HUSBAND'S.

HE IS?

ALEX WILL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.

COME INTO THE KITCHEN
FOR A MINUTE.

GIVE OUR GUEST
ANYTHING HE WANTS.

SO YOU'RE
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

THAT'S WHAT
MY MAMA TOLD ME.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?

A CHEESE OMELET.

A CHEESE OMELET
ON THURSDAYS?

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
ALWAYS HAS

POACHED EGGS AND ORANGE JUICE
ON THURSDAY.

HE DOES?
I MEAN, I DO?

DON'T YOU READ THE MAGAZINES?

NOT REALLY.

YOU BETTER START,
HONEY,

IF YOU WANT
TO DO YOUR JOB RIGHT.

UP UNTIL NOW,
I WAS DOING OK.

IN LADY SINGS
THE BLUES,

DID DIANA ROSS
WEAR HER FLOWER
IN HER HAIR

ON THE RIGHT SIDE
OR THE LEFT SIDE?

THE RIGHT.

THE LEFT?

WHOEVER'S PAYING YOU

SURE AIN'T GETTIN'
THEIR MONEY'S WORTH.

DON'T TELL THE STUDIO.

STUDIO?
I GOT YOUR STUDIO.

THAT'S WHY I SAID
I WAS ALEX HALEY.

YOU LIED
TO THE MAN.

SO WHAT?
IT WORKED.

HE'S HERE.

HE SURE IS.

I'M GOING TO TELL HIM
THE TRUTH.

IT'LL BE YOUR FAULT.

WHAT DO
YOU MEAN?

WHEN BILLY DEE FINDS OUT,
HE'LL SPLIT.

ALL THEM POOR KIDS

DEPENDING ON THIS BENEFIT
FOR THEIR BOYS CLUB

WILL BE OUT OF LUCK.

THEY'LL SAY,
"I WISH THAT OLD, MEAN LADY

DIDN'T TELL BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
ABOUT ALEX HALEY."

GEORGE,
THAT'S NOT FAIR.

WEEZY, I KNEW YOU'D
LET ME HANDLE IT.

HOW YOU TWO
GETTIN' ALONG?

SHE'S BEEN TEACHING ME
A LOT.

I'VE LEARNED THAT
I'VE BEEN EATING THE WRONG FOOD.

WE BETTER GET GOING.

LET'S WAIT FOR ALEX.

OH, ALEX.

HE PROBABLY GOT TIED UP.

WE SHOULD CALL HIM.

I'LL CALL HIM!

WOULD YOU AUTOGRAPH
MY COPY

OF LADY SINGS THE BLUES?

I'D BE GLAD TO.

HAVE YOU GOT A PEN?

A PEN?

YES.

OH, YES. A PEN!

HOW SILLY OF ME.

I'LL GET ONE.

WELL, BILLY.

HOW'S HOLLYWOOD?

SMOGGY.

WHAT'S DIANA ROSS
REALLY LIKE?

WELL...

DO YOU KNOW
BURT REYNOLDS?

HERE'S A PEN.

NOW ME.

I UNDERSTAND.
I'LL TELL HIM, ALEX.

IS THAT ALEX?

I'LL SAY HELLO
TO HIM.

BYE!

ARE YOU SURE
THAT WAS ALEX HALEY?

I HEARD
A HUMMING SOUND.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
HIS TYPEWRITER.

HE'S WRITING ROOTS III.

HE SAID IT'S
HUMMING RIGHT ALONG.

HE SAYS HE WON'T
MAKE THE DINNER.

HE'S GOT
A BAD COLD.

HE SOUNDED FINE
THIS MORNING.

YOU MEAN LAST NIGHT.

LAST NIGHT,
HE SOUNDED LIKE YOU.

LIKE ME?

ALEX HALEY HAS BEEN
IN LOS ANGELES ALL WEEK.

SO YOU KNEW
ALL ALONG THAT...

IT WAS YOU
CALLING ME YESTERDAY.

HOW COME YOU
AGREED TO COME?

YOU SEE, I GREW UP
IN HARLEM.

YOU GOT THAT ONE RIGHT.

THE HARLEM BOYS CLUB
IS A GOOD CAUSE.

YOU AIN'T MAD AT ME
FOR LYING?

I WISH YOU HAD TOLD ME
WHO YOU REALLY WERE.

WELL, IF THAT AIN'T THE POT
CALLIN' THE KETTLE BLACK.

FLORENCE, WILL YOU
STOP TALKING CRAZY?

THIS TURKEY AIN'T
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T ACT SO INNOCENT,
SHORTY.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT
THAT DOUBLES AGENCY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE'S A GOOD LIKENESS,

BUT HE CAN'T FOOL

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS'S
NUMBER-ONE FAN.

YOU'RE MY FAN?

NO, I'M BILLY DEE WILLIAMS'S
NUMBER-ONE FAN,

AND I KNOW A PHONY
WHEN I SEE ONE.

IT'S BEEN VERY NICE
MEETING YOU.

I HOPE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN SOON.

IS MR. WILLIAMS
STILL HERE?

HE AIN'T,
AND HE NEVER WAS.

WHO'S THAT?

I KNOW WHO IT AIN'T.

WHOEVER IT AIN'T,

HE DROPPED HIS WALLET
IN THE LIMOUSINE.

I BROUGHT IT UP
IMMEDIATELY.

THANKS, BROTHER.

THIS YOURS?

YES.

WE'LL FIND OUT
WHO YOU ARE.

MR...

DO YOU WANT MY ARM
TO FALL OFF?

THAT'S THE FIRST LINE
HE SAID TO DIANA ROSS

IN LADY SINGS THE BLUES.

I GOT ANOTHER ONE RIGHT!

IT'S BILLY DEE WILLIAMS!

IT'S BILLY DEE
WILLIAMS!

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
IS HERE!

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS,
MRS. JEFFERSON!

I'M AFRAID SO.

LET'S GET GOING
BEFORE WE'RE LATE.

YOU CAN'T
TAKE HIM NOW!

WAIT, BILLY.

I'M GOING TO PUT ON
MY BLUE DRESS.

DON'T LEAVE ME NOW.

FLORENCE,
I REALLY HAVE TO GO.

THANK YOU FOR BEING
MY NUMBER-ONE FAN.

CIAO, BELLA.

THE JEFFERSONS WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.