The Jeffersons (1975–1985): Season 5, Episode 6 - George's New Stockbroker - full transcript

♪ WELL, WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO A DELUXE APARTMENT ♪

♪ IN THE SKY ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE
OF THE PIE ♪



♪ FISH DON'T FRY
IN THE KITCHEN ♪

♪ BEANS DON'T BURN
ON THE GRILL ♪

♪ TOOK A WHOLE LOT OF TRYIN' ♪

THAT HILL ♪
GET UP
♪ JUST TO

♪ NOW WE'RE UP
IN THE BIG LEAGUES ♪

♪ GETTIN' OUR TURN AT BAT ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE LIVE ♪

♪ IT'S YOU AND ME, BABY ♪

♪ THERE AIN'T
NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO A DELUXE APARTMENT ♪



♪ IN THE SKY ♪

♪ WE'RE MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ TO THE EAST SIDE ♪

♪ MOVIN' ON UP ♪

♪ WE FINALLY GOT A PIECE
OF THE PIE ♪♪

♪ NIGHT AND YOU ♪

♪ AND BLUE HAWAII ♪♪

ALOHA, MRS. J.
HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE DON HO.

DON WHO?

HO.

OH. OH, HO.

I'M GOING TO
A LUAU TONIGHT.

GEORGE ONCE GOT INTO
A FIGHT AT A LUAU.

A FIGHT?

A WAITER SAID
"POI" TO HIM.

GEORGE SAID,
"WHO YOU CALLIN' 'BOY'?"

THEN HE HIT HIM.

GAVE HIM A NICE
HAWAIIAN PUNCH?

LIKE ON THE TV.

A NICE HAWAIIAN...

DID YOU LIKE
THE HULA DANCING?

YES.

COME ON. DANCE.

♪ LOVELY HULA HANDS ♪

♪ GRACEFUL AS
THE BIRDS IN MOTION ♪

♪ ROLLING ON ACROSS THE OCEAN ♪

♪ HULA HANDS ♪♪

WHAT'S THIS,
THE GONG SHOW?

HI, GEORGE.

ALOHA, MR. J.

WHAT?

IT MEANS "HELLO"
IN HAWAIIAN.

IT ALSO MEANS "GOOD-BYE."

REALLY?

ISN'T THAT FASCINATING?

ALOHA!

THAT WASN'T NICE.

WHY DO YOU DO THAT?

I WANTED HIM OUT.
I'M EXPECTING SOMEBODY.

WHO?

BILL JESSUPS
THE STOCKBROKER.

YOUR FRIEND WHO LOST
HIS JOB SIX MONTHS AGO?

YEP.

HOW IS HE?

HE'S RICH.

WHAT?

HE'S MAKING A FORTUNE
IN THE STOCK MARKET.

BUT YOUR STOCKS HAVE
BEEN LOSING MONEY.

MY BROKER'S
FRED HAVILAND.

WHEN HE TALKS,
NOBODY LISTENS.

SO I'M MEETING TODAY WITH
JESSUPS'S MAN, ROY CRANDALL.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE'LL DO BETTER?

HE PLAYS HIS HUNCHES.
THAT'S HOW YOU
MAKE A FORTUNE.

IT'S ALSO HOW
YOU CAN LOSE ONE.

FLORENCE!

SHE'S AT THE STORE.

I WANTED HER TO MAKE
SOME HORS D'OEUVRES.

DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'RE TAKING A RISK?

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

FLORENCE'S FOOD
MIGHT KILL THE POOR GUY.

I MEAN, ABOUT
CHANGING STOCKBROKERS.

YOU'VE GOT TO GAMBLE IN LIFE.
YOU KNOW THAT.

I SURE DO.
I MARRIED YOU, DIDN'T I?

HEY, FOXY MAMA!

DON'T GET FRESH
WITH ME, TURKEY.

THAT WAS J.P.

J.P.?

THAT'S ME.

ARE YOU
A VENTRILOQUIST?

YES.
J.P., TELL HER
YOU'RE SORRY.

I'M JUST SORRY
I'M NOT SITTING
ON HER ARM.

MY COUSIN LIVES HERE.

REALLY?

HE'S A COFFEE TABLE
IN 4C.

OH! HOW DO YOU
LIKE THAT?

HE'S LOVES PRETTY WOMEN
FALLIN' ALL OVER HIM.

NO. I MEAN
THIS ELEVATOR'S STUCK.

MY FRIEND
CAN FIX IT.

PUSH THAT
START BUTTON.

WHY ME?

BECAUSE YOUR ARM
IS LONGER THAN MINE.

IT'S NOT MOVING.
WHAT DO WE DO?

WHAT ANYONE
WOULD DO... PANIC!

HELP!!

QUIET!

HELP.

IT'S MOVING.
THANK THE LORD.

SHOOT! I WANTED US
TO TALK LONGER.

THIS IS MY FLOOR.
SEE YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHERE YOU'RE GOING,
I THINK.

ARE YOU GEORGE
JEFFERSON'S WIFE?

I GOT
A LOT OF PROBLEMS,

BUT THAT AIN'T
ONE OF THEM.

I'M VISITING
GEORGE JEFFERSON.

THAT SURE AIN'T
WHY I'M HERE.

COME IN.

MR. JEFFERSON!

FLORENCE,
DO ME A FAVOR.

WHO'S THIS
WITH THE DUMMY?

MY FRIEND IS SMARTER
THAN HE LOOKS.

I'M ROY CRANDALL.

YOU'RE
THE STOCKBROKER?

THAT'S A MATTER
OF OPINION.

WOULD YOU LIKE
TERMITES ON YOU?

WEEZY, THIS IS
ROY CRANDALL.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU,
MRS. JEFFERSON.

YOU TOOK THE WORDS
FROM MY MOUTH.

PLEASED
TO MEET YOU... BOTH.

CRANDALL WILL HELP US
MAKE MONEY.

HE DROPPED A BUNDLE
IN THE MARKET.

HIS SHOPPING BAG BROKE.

HAVE A SEAT.

I'LL JUST SIT ON HIS KNEE.

YOU'RE THE FIRST
STOCKBROKER I'VE MET

THAT CARRIES
A FRIEND AROUND
ON BUSINESS CALLS.

J.P. IS
A GREAT ASSET.

I DO ALL
HIS THINKING.

HE'S A BIG
PROMOTIONAL HELP.

PEOPLE AIN'T ABOUT
TO FORGET YOU TWO.

YOU TAKE
YOUR FRIEND
EVERYWHERE?

YEAH. HE'S GOT
THE DRIVER'S LICENSE.

WHY DON'T YOU SING
SOMETHING FOR
OUR FRIENDS?

HOW'S IT GO?

HOW DOES WHAT GO?

SOMETHING FOR OUR FRIENDS.

I'LL SING RHYTHM.
YOU SING LYRICS.

READY.

♪ HAM BONE, HAM BONE,
HAVE YOU HEARD? ♪

♪ PAPA'S GONNA BUY ME
A MOCKINGBIRD ♪

♪ IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD
DON'T SING ♪

♪ PAPA'S GONNA BUY ME
A DIAMOND RING ♪

♪ NOW, IF THAT DIAMOND RING
DON'T SHINE, ♪

♪ PAPA'S GONNA TAKE IT
TO THE FIVE-AND-DIME ♪

♪ HAM BONE, HAM BONE,
WHERE YOU BEEN? ♪

♪ 'ROUND THE WORLD
AND I'M GOIN' AGAIN ♪

♪ NOW WHAT YOU GONNA DO
WHEN YOU GET BACK? ♪

♪ GONNA TAKE A LITTLE WALK,
GONNA TAKE A LITTLE WALK ♪

♪ GONNA TAKE A LITTLE WALK
TO THE RAILROAD TRACK ♪♪

HE'S JUST LIKE
A REAL PERSON.

HE FOOLS
A LOT OF PEOPLE.

WHY AIN'T YOU
IN SHOW BUSINESS?

I WAS,
BUT IT DIDN'T FEED US.

I LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT,

I LOOKED LIKE
A PENCIL WITH GLASSES.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

I TAUGHT HIM
EVERYTHING.

WE TRIED FOR A WHILE,
BUT NOW WE DO IT FOR FUN.

YOU CAN TALK
WITHOUT OPENING
YOUR MOUTH.

I CAN DO IT, TOO.

SEE? MY MOUTH
AIN'T MOVIN'.

I WISH I COULD TALK
WITH MY MOUTH SHUT.

COULD YOU DO ANYTHING
WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

AIN'T YOU GOT
SOMETHING TO DO?

PUT THOSE GROCERIES AWAY.

I'LL HELP YOU,
FLORENCE.

THANK YOU,
MRS. JEFFERSON.

I'LL GET THE DOOR.

LET'S TALK TURKEY.

WHO YOU
CALLIN' TURKEY?

DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH?

YOU NEVER BOUGHT ME
A BRAIN.

I'M GLAD WE'RE
DOING BUSINESS.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
MY INVESTMENT PHILOSOPHY.

I'LL TELL HIM.

DO YOU KNOW?

DO YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

THEN I KNOW, DUMMY.

THE STOCK MARKET
IS IN A STABLE.

UNSTABLE,
NOT "IN A STABLE."

IF IT WAS IN A STABLE,
WE'D GET DIRTY SHOES.

OVER-THE-COUNTER STOCKS
ARE YOUR BEST BET...

HIGH RISK
WITH A POTENTIAL HIGH RETURN.

YOU'RE TALKING
MY LANGUAGE.

HE ALWAYS TALKS
MY LANGUAGE.

YOU CAN EXPECT...

MONEY,
LIKE BILL JESSUPS.

I HANDLED HIS INVESTMENTS.
HE'S WORTH $1 MILLION.

WHEN HE CAME TO YOU,
HE WAS WORTH $10 MILLION.

CRANDALL,
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.

I PICK OUT
HIS CLOTHES.

IF YOU'LL TRUST ME,
EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT.

I'LL PUT MY MONEY
WHERE MY MOUTH IS.

NOBODY'S GOT
A ROLL THAT BIG.

HERE YOU GO.

$5,000.

INVEST IT
IN ANYTHING,

AS LONG AS
IT BRINGS
QUICK RETURNS.

QUICK RETURNS?
HOW ABOUT YO-YOS?

YO-YOS!
THAT'S FUNNY!

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE,
HOW ABOUT DINNER TONIGHT?

WELL...

MY FRIEND'S TOO SHY
TO ASK YOU.

I'D LOVE TO,
BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE GOOD.

HE'LL BE GOOD.
OR ELSE.

WHAT?

HE'LL MAKE ME
INTO FIREWOOD.

PICK YOU UP
AROUND 6:00?

I'LL BE READY.

WE'D BETTER GO.

YEAH. I'LL GO
WITH YOU.

GOOD-BYE, MR. CRANDALL.
BYE, J.P.

WE SHOULD INVEST
THAT FIVE GRAND
IN SPACESHIPS.

SPACESHIPS?

YEAH.
THEY BOUND TO GO UP.

ISN'T THAT MR. CRANDALL
SOMETHING?

HE'S A SHARP DUDE.

YOU START THINKING
J.P. IS REAL.

THAT DUMMY IS
A GOOD GIMMICK.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING?

MY OLD STOCKBROKER.

HAVILAND.

YEAH, GEORGE JEFFERSON.

YOU AND ME WON'T BE
DOING BUSINESS ANYMORE.

HAVE MY STOCKS TRANSFERRED
TO ROY CRANDALL.

OH, YOU KNOW HIM?

HE'S LAUGHING.

HUH?

YOU'RE JIVING.

NO, I DON'T
THINK IT'S FUNNY.

WHAT'S WRONG, GEORGE?

CRANDALL SPENT A YEAR
IN THE NUT HOUSE.

A MENTAL HOSPITAL?

ANYBODY THAT CARRIES
A DUMMY MUST BE NUTS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M STOPPING PAYMENT
ON THAT CHECK.

YOU JUST SAID
YOU WANTED MR. CRANDALL.

BUT HE'S A CUCKOO
FLYING OVER THE NEST.

WEEZY,
DID CRANDALL CALL?

NO.

I LEFT CRANDALL A MESSAGE
THAT I CANCELED HIS CHECK.

IF HE CALLS,
YOU TALK TO HIM.

I HOPE HE DON'T GET MAD
AND FLY OFF THE HANDLE.

YOU'RE FLYING
OFF THE HANDLE.

YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

HE WAS IN A FUNNY FARM.

I CHECKED HIM OUT.

YOU SPIED ON HIM?

IT WASN'T EASY
GETTING THAT INFORMATION.

IT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.

HE COULD HAVE
COST ME MONEY.

YOU WON'T DO BUSINESS
WITH HIM

BECAUSE HE HAD
AN EMOTIONAL PROBLEM?

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A DUDE
WHO WAS IN A MENTAL HOME.

HE'S OUT NOW.
HE'S PROBABLY
PERFECTLY SANE.

HOW MANY SANE PEOPLE
SPEND TIME WITH A DUMMY?

BESIDES ME?

BE SERIOUS.

YOU WERE IN
REFORM SCHOOL ONCE.

THAT HAD NOTHIN' TO DO
WITH HAVING NO BRAIN.

YOU'RE SO RIGHT.

REFORM SCHOOL
AIN'T LIKE THE LOONY BIN.

ONCE A NUT,
ALWAYS A NUT, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

SPEAKING OF NUTS,
WHERE'S FLORENCE?

AT THE BEAUTY PARLOR.

I GUESS WE WON'T SEE HER
FOR ABOUT TWO MONTHS.

SHE'S GETTING READY
FOR HER DATE.

SHE'S STILL GOING OUT
WITH CRANDALL?

OF COURSE.

DIDN'T YOU TELL HER...

WHY SHOULD I SLANDER
THE MAN

BY TELLING FLORENCE
ABOUT HIS PAST?

THAT PSYCHO'S PAST
COULD MESS UP
FLORENCE'S FUTURE.

YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

FLORENCE,
YOUR HAIR LOOKS TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE
YOUR NORMAL SELF.

I HOPE ROY
LIKES IT.

ABOUT THIS ROY...

GEORGE, MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I NEVER MET
ANYBODY LIKE HIM.

HE SURE IS CRAZY.

HE SURE IS.

FLORENCE, ENJOY YOURSELF.
I HAVE A MEETING.

WEEZY, TELL HER.

TELL ME WHAT?

GEORGE ISN'T
DOING BUSINESS
WITH MR. CRANDALL.

I DON'T DO BUSINESS
WITH NO VILLAGE IDIOT.

MR. CRANDALL
SPENT TIME IN
A MENTAL HOSPITAL.

YOU MEAN I HAD MY HAIR SET
FOR A CRAZY MAN?

MR. CRANDALL'S
NOT CRAZY.

WHY WAS HE
ON THE FUNNY FARM?

SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR.

SOUNDS LIKE A WOODPECKER.

UH-OH.
IT'S THE CUCKOO BIRD.

COME IN.

HI, FOLKS.

HI.
HI.

I WAS JUST
LEAVING.

SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, MRS. JEFFERSON.

CHECK
THAT FOXY HAIRDO.

FLORENCE,
YOU LOOK GREAT!

THANKS.

MR. JEFFERSON,
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

YEAH? I HOPE
YOU DIDN'T GET MAD.

I WON'T
BE BUYING STOCKS.

WHAT MADE YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND?

WAS IT MY BREATH?

I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT.
RIGHT, FLORENCE?

RIGHT.

I WAS BUYING YOU
500 SHARES

OF UNITED
WORM RANCHES.

WORM RANCHES?

I'M SORRY
I MISSED OUT ON THAT.

YOU MEAN THERE ARE
HERDS OF WORMS?

RAISING WORMS
IS A BOOMING BUSINESS.

I NEVER
HEARD OF THAT.

SHH!

MY PARTNER HERE
COULD EVEN RAISE
MASHED POTATOES.

HOW CAN I RAISE
MASHED POTATOES?

WITH A SPOON.

HA HA.

DON'T YOU
LIKE MASHED POTATOES?

I'M BEGINNING
TO LOSE MY APPETITE.

GUESS WHERE
WE'RE GOING TO DINNER.

TO THE OLD
CHOWDER CLUB.

I WANTED TO TELL HER!

GREAT CLAM CHOWDER.
IT'S IN BOSTON.

BOSTON!

MASSACHUSETTS?

WE'LL TAKE
MY PLANE.

YOUR PLANE?

J.P.'S COPILOT.

I AIN'T GOING
IN NO PLANE WITH YOU.

THEN LET'S
GO TO DINNER
AROUND HERE.

FLORENCE MEANS SHE'D RATHER NOT
GO TO DINNER WITH YOU AT ALL.

I'VE GOT
A TERRIBLE HEADACHE.

J.P., SOMETHING'S
WRONG HERE,

AND IT'S NOT
YOUR BREATH.

YOU MEAN
IT'S YOUR BREATH?

WHY DON'T WE ALL SAY GOOD-BYE

AND YOU AND YOUR FRIEND
TAKE IN A DAFFY DUCK CARTOON?

SOMEBODY HELP!

WEEZY!
IS THAT YOU?

I'M STUCK
BETWEEN FLOORS.

THE ELEVATOR
IS FILLING
WITH SMOKE.

IS THAT
A BURGLAR ALARM?

IT'S
A FIRE ALARM.

OH.

FIRE ALARM!
FIRE! FIRE!

WEEZY'S STUCK!

OH, LORD!

THE DOORS
WON'T OPEN.

BECAUSE IT'S
BROKEN, FOOL.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO
DO SOMETHING.

LIKE CALL
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

CALL THE FIRE
DEPARTMENT!

GET A CROWBAR
AND OPEN THEM DOORS.

WHERE'S CRANDALL?

JUST LIKE A NUT
TO RUN AWAY!

BE RIGHT BACK.

I'LL CLEAR AWAY
THE SMOKE FOR YOU.

A COAT RACK?

I COULDN'T FIND
A CROWBAR.

NOT THAT WAY!

THIS WAY?

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WE'VE GOT TO
PRY OPEN THE DOORS.

LOOK OUT!

IT'S FILLING UP
WITH SMOKE!

LIE DOWN
AND COVER UP YOUR MOUTH.

RIGHT!

NOT YOU!
MRS. JEFFERSON.

DID YOU CALL
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT?

THEY'RE ALREADY
ON THEIR WAY.

PLEASE DO
SOMETHING!

IT'S GETTING
HARDER
TO BREATHE.

BREATHE AS LITTLE
AS POSSIBLE.

LORD, THIS IS
FLORENCE JOHNSTON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU LET THIS HAPPEN,

BUT PLEASE DO SOMETHING.

AND QUICK!
YOU HEAR?

WE'RE DOING
OUR BEST,
MRS. J.

WE'LL GET YOU OUT.

WEEZY, YOU
ALL RIGHT?

DAMN, WEEZY,
ANSWER ME!

WEEZY!!

GEORGE.

I'M BUSY, WEEZY.

WEEZY!

MRS. JEFFERSON!

HOW'D YOU GET STUCK
IN THERE?

DON'T WORRY,
FOLKS.

IT WAS JUST
AN ELECTRICAL SHORT.

WE'LL CLEAR OUT
THE SMOKE.

THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY WIFE.

THANK HIM.
HE KEPT HIS HEAD.

CRANDALL,
I THOUGHT YOU SPLIT.

I RAN DOWNSTAIRS WHERE
MRS. JEFFERSON'S VOICE
WAS COMING FROM.

HE TOLD ME TO PUSH
THESE LITTLE ROUND BUTTONS.

THEY RELEASE
THE MECHANICAL INTERLOCK.

I OPENED THE DOORS
AND JUMPED TO HIM.

WHO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, MAN...
SPIDER-MAN?

I SAY, WHAT
AN INCREDIBLE DUMMY!

I SURE AM.

ME, TOO.

I'VE GOT TO HURRY
TO MY LUAU.

ALOHA AND TOODLE-PIP.

LET'S GO
BACK INSIDE.

YOU DID SOME
QUICK THINKING,
CRANDALL.

HOW'D YOU KNOW
WHAT TO DO?

A CRAZY MAN LIKE ME
KNOWS A LOT.

WELL, I THOUGHT...

SINCE I'D BEEN
IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL,
I WAS STILL CRAZY.

WHY WERE YOU
IN THE NUT...
HOSPITAL?

I ADMITTED MYSELF.

I WAS
BURNING MYSELF OUT.

HUH?

EVEN WHEN I TALKED
TO HIM, HE YELLED AT ME.

I TRIED ACTING
LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

THE HOSPITAL TAUGHT ME
TO BE MYSELF.

ME, TOO.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME THAT
FROM THE BEGINNING?

WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION
BEING IN REFORM SCHOOL?

THAT'S IN THE PAST.
IT DON'T MATTER NOW.

RIGHT! IT'S IN THE PAST
AND DOESN'T MATTER NOW.

I'LL WRITE YOU
ANOTHER CHECK

IF YOU STILL WANT
TO DO BUSINESS
WITH ME.

SURE, BUT YOU CAN MAIL ME
THE CHECK TOMORROW.

WELL, BYE, Y'ALL.

WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER DATE?

YOU WANT TO GO?

I GOT TO GET MY MONEY'S WORTH
OUT OF THIS HAIRDO.

I'D LOVE TO GO OUT.

I'M TAKING EVERYONE
TO DINNER.

MAYBE THEY'LL FIX
THE ELEVATOR.

KNOCK ON WOOD.

DON'T TOUCH ME,
JACK.

J.P., SING
SOME MORE HAM BONE.

ALL RIGHT.

♪ HAM BONE, HAM BONE
HAVE YOU HEARD? ♪

♪ PAPA'S GONNA BUY ME
A MOCKINGBIRD ♪

♪ NOW, IF THAT
MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING ♪

♪ PAPA'S GONNA BUY ME
A DIAMOND RING ♪♪

THE JEFFERSONS WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.