The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 2 - Are We Not Men? - full transcript
In order to be 'proper men' with street cred Moss and Roy learn football jargon from the bluffball.co.uk website and are befriended by a trio of Cockneys in a pub, with whom they go to a match. Later Roy innocently acts as getaway driver when the trio commit an armed robbery, ringing the police as he is unaware that his new friends are the robbers. When they find out he has to be rescued by Moss, who cannily takes some of the loot for himself. Jen meanwhile is dating Michael but she thinks he looks like a magician. As a result he learns some card tricks but he is rubbish so she dumps him.
subsBusters proudly presents
The.IT.Crowd.S03E02
Is this your stapler, Roy?
No.
No, it's not.
I used it for one thing.
How many staples did you use?
Six or seven.
One, two, three, four...
five, six... Is that seven?
Why do you need to know?
I just do. I need to know,
you know I need to know,
and you never count
how many staples you've used.
Eight, nine...
Oh, gonna have to do it in fives.
Five, 10, 15... Is that 20?
There you go, Moss.
(COCKNEY ACCENT):
Awright, 'arry? See that
ludicrous display last night?
What was Wenger thinking,
sending Walcott on that early?
Fing about Arsenal is,
they always try an' walk it in.
True.
See you later, Moss.
Mind 'ow you go.
What was that?
What?
You were saying football things,
in a football voice!
Oh, it's this new site.
It sends you a list
of football phrases that
you can use in normal conversation,
updated daily. It's great.
I only use it so I can say
something to the postman.
It's got a pronunciation guide,
or...
(COCKNEY VOICE) pronunciation guide.
Oh.
(ELECTRONIC VOICE): 'Did you see that
ludicrous display last night?'
You can get it sent to your phone,
so that even when I'm away
from my desk I can still sound like
I'm just a big, normal man.
45, 50...
Oh, hey, Moss, send me
a link for that, will you?
Right, I'm off.
Bit early!
Got a date.
Oh, right, with Michael?
That's right.
Looks like a magician?
Yeah.
What?
What?
He looks like a what?
This is Michael, right?
The guy that came in last week?
He doesn't look like a magician.
Yeah, he does.
He does, doesn't he, Moss?
Hmm?
The guy that came in
looking for Jen?
Ah, Michael the Magnificent.
He doesn't look like a magician.
He does.
He doesn't.
He massively does.
He does, Jen.
Oh, shut up.
It's a lovely restaurant.
Isn't it?
One of my favourites, actually.
One of the silly things I love about
this restaurant, have you had a look
at these salt and pepper pots,
they're really beautiful.
There's something about the shape,
and I'm probably a bit of
a design freak but
it's a kind of beautiful...
(THEY CHAT AND LAUGH)
(TITTERS SARCASTICALLY)
What are they saying that
could possibly be that funny?
I'm funny, why can't I be
over there making them laugh?
They're proper men, Roy.
We're men. We're proper men.
What's so different about us?
Seven, 14,
51, 35, 42,
49, 35...
Seven...
(ELECTRONIC VOICE):'Did you see
that ludicrous display last night?'
..21, 28...
Oh, referee - oh...
Did you see that
ludicrous display last night?
What's Wenger doing sending
Walcott on that early?
The thing about Arsenal is
they always try and walk it in.
Exactly. Dan.
Roy.
But Chelsea, on the other hand,
I like them suddenly.
(HOARSE): Yeah.
(COCKNEY VOICE): Chelsea?
You're having a laugh int'ya?
I'll put money in it if you like?
Nah, I've already
got a pony on Liverpool,
so I probably won't see that again.
Duh!
Dan, Moss. Moss, Dan.
Nice to meet you, son.
Want a drink, boys?
We'll get this.
Nah, it's on me.
Whatever these boys are having.
Here he is.
Oi, oi.
Oi, oi!
Roy, Moss, Derek, Luke. Moss here
fancies Liverpool for the weekend.
Liverpool?
You're having a laugh int'ya?
He's put a pony on it!
A pony?
Yeah, I know. Tell Barry!
Tell me what?
He's only put a pony on Liverpool.
You lunatic, eh?
MASCULINE BANTER
So, who do you support?
Who do I support?
Yeah.
West Ham.
Did you say West Ham?
Is that all right?
All right?
What does that look like?
A birthmark?
(THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY)
Look on his face!
Look on my face!
(DEEP VOICE):
Roy, can I have a natter with you?
It's about private man's business.
I'm sure you boys will understand.
(CAMP VOICE): Excuse me, please.
I'm a little bit scared,
and I want to leave.
What?
We're in too deep, Roy. I'm
worried they're going to find out
I don't know what a pony is.
We should go.
I'm not going anywhere.
I haven't paid for a drink
all night, and besides, once you
get over the whole football thing,
they're actually surprisingly easy
to talk to.
Maybe we're proper men!
Look, we're messing with stuff
we don't understand.
We're through the looking glass.
Just promise me
you will not let this get too far.
I promise.
CHEERING
Hooray. He's kicked the ball.
Now the ball's over there.
That man has it now.
That's an interesting development.
Maybe he'll kick the ball.
He has indeed and apparently
that deserves a round of applause.
Will you shut up!
This is the worst thing
in the world.
What could I do?
He bought the tickets on the phone
when we were in the pub.
I could hardly say no, could I?
Can I use this?
I don't know.
SINGING
Oh, they're singing!
Maybe we should!
Just promise me we won't do
anything else with them,
I want to go back to being weird.
I like being weird, weird's all
I've got. That and my sweet style.
OK, look here, we'll make our
excuses when the match is over.
How long do football matches last?
A billion hours apparently.
Gonna play poker tonight, you game?
I'm in.
Moss?
(GRUFF): I won't Dan, no.
Come on.
No, no can do. I'm seein' a bird.
Oh, really?
Yeah, why not.
What's she like?
Well, she's, er, not much to look
at but she is very kind 'arted.
So as I say, I've gotta vamoosh.
What, you're not watching it?
They're 'aving a larf today.
We're winning.
No, they're having a larf.
Oh...
(GROANS AT LENGTH)
Morning.
Oh, my word. When did the English
start drinking like that?
You people drink like
you don't want to live.
We do love to binge.
What happened to you?
I've got Cockney neck,
I've been speaking too much Cockney
and it's done my blooming neck in.
< Oh, here she is.
Debbie McGee.
Morning, all.
I'm off to break up with him.
What's wrong with you two?
We've been hanging out with men.
Why are you breaking up with him?
Why? What do you mean why?
Because he looks like a magician.
Doesn't he, though?
Oh, he totally does.
And ever since you two said it
I haven't been able
to get it out of my head.
So thanks, thanks a lot.
Another one bites the dust.
You're not breaking up
cos of that?!
I can't be seen
with that...mentalist.
Do you know what
he does for a living?
He is a driving instructor.
A driving instructor who looks
like a magician. It's preposterous.
That's almost the worst look
a driving instructor could have.
So distracting.
Only clown would be worse.
Mmmm. Or mountie.
So, how was your night
of poker with the boys?
Yeah, good, good.
I mean, I didn't... I wasn't
brilliant at the start because,
you know, I was mostly vomiting.
Lovely.
But then I knuckled down and
I brought my "A" game and, er,
things got a lot better.
That's good, how much did you win?
Er, no, no, I lost ?200. But it's
less than I usually lose, so...
Still, ?200 though.
Mm, but listen to this,
Dan let me off.
He just totally let me off.
Proper men are so cool.
They just don't care about money.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
Where's my fackin' money?
I want that money, give me my money.
Oh, really?
I'm only joking, you muppet. Ha-ha!
(HYSTERICALLY): Oh! You're funny.
'Oi, listen,'
a friend of mine's let me down.
Can you meet me at lunch?
Yeah, OK, OK.
(I just went to the toilet.)
What's your address?
Here he is. Hiya, Dan.
You got here.
Oi-oi, boys.
All right, mate. All right?
You all right?
Yeah, er, pretty good.
Oh, hey, sorry again
about last night.
Nah, don't mention it.
Listen, that favour,
you wouldn't be available to
do a little taxi job would you?
You want me to drive?
This?
Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
I wouldn't bother you with this,
but someone's let me down.
It should only take
a couple of hours.
It's no problem.
Oh, is it an automatic?
Cos I can only drive an automatic.
Oh, it is an automatic.
I'm your man. Oh, and you're sure
that everything with the money is OK?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
This makes us totally quits.
You, sir, are a gentlemen.
This guy, huh?
Here we go.
Pull over here, Roy.
OK.
"You have reached your destination."
All right, everyone.
Take your time.
Oh, hey, how do you
get the radio to work?
Ah, I've got it, got it.
POP MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, I love this one.
PHONE RINGS
Yeah? Hey, man. All right?
Hey, do you want to
meet up after this?
Yeah, nothing's happening here.
The guys have this, er, lockup down
by the gas works on Newcombe Road.
The gas works? Is there anything
about them that's not manly?
Jesus!
Moss!
Jesus Christ!
What?
What is it?
There's a robbery!
Across the road, right here.
There's a robbery.
There's some blokes in balaclavas.
Wow! They're, they're
totally robbing this place.
Call the police, call the police.
Yeah, bye.
Police, please.
Yeah, hi, I'm on Denbury Road
and there is a robbery
taking place right now.
Three men, indiscriminate race,
balaclavas, big guns.
Yeah, OK...
Oh, my God, they're coming out.
They're coming out,
OK, they're coming out.
They're running towards us.
They're running towards the car.
They're getting...
ALARM RINGS
DRIVE!
Okey-dokey.
Straight ahead. OK.
Yeah, go on, keep going, mate.
Right, swing a left here.
Right, drive up those ramps there.
Right,
drive up the ramps into the truck.
Come on, Roy, quickly!
Yep, okey-doke.
Come on!
I'm climbing onto the truck.
Am I on it? Am I on it? I can't see.
Oh, no! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
What's the matter with you?
Get driving, man!
Just get it up!
Up, up, up, up we go into the truck.
SIRENS BLARE
CRYING AND WHIMPERING
What's that? Is someone crying?
No.
Did you see that
ludicrous display last night?
What was Wenger thinking bringing
Walcott on that early?
The thing about Arsenal is,
they always try and walk it in.
But why? I don't understand,
I thought it was going so well.
Was it something I did?
No, no. It's hard to explain.
Tell me, Jen, for God's sake.
You owe me that much.
You look like a magician, Michael.
All right?
I'm sorry, but you do.
I didn't notice at first,
but then someone mentioned it and
now I can't get it out of my head.
But I'm not a magician.
I know, that's why it's not
good that you look like one.
Well, what is it, exactly, about me?
It's everything.
There's nothing about you that
doesn't look like a magician.
It's everything. Don't you see it?
Don't you wake up every morning
and look in the mirror and think,
"Christ, I look like a magician!"?
No. Well, you should.
I would, if I was a
weirdy, beardy magiciany man.
I'm just trying to
help you, Michael.
So it's over because of that?
I don't see any way past it.
It's weird, it's weird for me.
I'm sorry.
No, wait. Maybe we can
think of something.
What if I actually
learned some magic tricks?
What do you mean?
Perhaps if I learned some tricks,
it wouldn't feel so strange
that I look like a magician.
You'd have to learn a lot of tricks.
I mean, you'd basically you'd
have to actually become a magician.
Do you really want to make
that kind of commitment?
What was all that about?
We was stitched up,
they knew we were there.
Oh, shut up, Barry.
It was always a possibility,
that's why we had the truck.
I'm telling you, we were barely out
of there before the bill turned up.
Someone grassed us up.
Oh, is that the...?
Oh, I've got to go, I don't
want to miss Gok's Fashion Fix.
Yeah, you're too quick
to trust people.
What do we know about this bloke?
How do we know he didn't do it?
Because he didn't know
about it till this afternoon.
I didn't know about
it till this afternoon.
That's why I chose him to
do it after you shot Derek.
That's why he chose me to
do it after you shot Derek.
Hello.
Hiya.
You remember Moss?
So, tell me all about
the big robbery.
What?
Roy saw a robbery.
Did you phone the police
like you said you would?
I didn't say that, I said I
was listening to The Police.
Look at all that money.
I wonder how much is there?
Oh, one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven...
You and your bloody great ideas.
I mean, who's this bloke?
All we know about him
is he supports West Ham.
Or maybe that's a lie too.
Hey, hey now, little man.
You can stand there and
slag me off all you like.
But don't you start talking about
how I feel about my beloved West Ham.
Cos I love 'em.
I love 'em gooners.
That's bloody Arsenal.
Look, if you've got a problem with
him, you've got a problem with me.
You're fucking right I have!
Excuse me, I am trying
to concentrate over here.
And will you watch your ruddy
language? My ears are not a toilet.
Derek was right about you.
What are you after?
My piece of the action?
You want to end up in
the boot with Derek, son?
Do you want to make one?
Yeah, I'll make one, mate.
I'll make one right now.
Oh, yeah? Let's have it.
Don't you mug yourself.
Let's have it! Don't mug yourself!
Do it. Yeah?
THEY SHOUT AMONG THEMSELVES
I need to know how much is there.
No, you don't.
We need to get out of here, OK? We
do not want to get mixed up in this.
SIRENS BLARE
What are we going to do now? Quick.
Get out of the way,
you bloody poof.
OK, let's go.
Couldn't we have just have
hidden behind those bins?
I suppose.
Right, let's go.
So, er, if you just place
these back into the pack.
Just pop it back in, that's it.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
And before your very eyes,
I shall do the magic shuffle.
And, er - ignore that -
this will go in here
and Bob's your uncle, abracadabra,
is this your card?
No, Michael.
I'm sorry, Michael,
it's over.
SOBBING
I better make sure she's all right.
Anyone see the final last night, eh?
Fuck off, Harry.
50, 100, 150, 200, 250, 300,
350, 400, 450, 500, 550, 600...
I think my dentist lives near here,
do you know him?
That's a stupid question -
why would you know him?
It's not like you live in the truck.
So, what sort of truck is this?
Are there different sorts of trucks?
Is that a stupid question?
Listen to me chatting away
like Stephen bloody Fry.
Who closed the door?
subsBusters
The.IT.Crowd.S03E02
Is this your stapler, Roy?
No.
No, it's not.
I used it for one thing.
How many staples did you use?
Six or seven.
One, two, three, four...
five, six... Is that seven?
Why do you need to know?
I just do. I need to know,
you know I need to know,
and you never count
how many staples you've used.
Eight, nine...
Oh, gonna have to do it in fives.
Five, 10, 15... Is that 20?
There you go, Moss.
(COCKNEY ACCENT):
Awright, 'arry? See that
ludicrous display last night?
What was Wenger thinking,
sending Walcott on that early?
Fing about Arsenal is,
they always try an' walk it in.
True.
See you later, Moss.
Mind 'ow you go.
What was that?
What?
You were saying football things,
in a football voice!
Oh, it's this new site.
It sends you a list
of football phrases that
you can use in normal conversation,
updated daily. It's great.
I only use it so I can say
something to the postman.
It's got a pronunciation guide,
or...
(COCKNEY VOICE) pronunciation guide.
Oh.
(ELECTRONIC VOICE): 'Did you see that
ludicrous display last night?'
You can get it sent to your phone,
so that even when I'm away
from my desk I can still sound like
I'm just a big, normal man.
45, 50...
Oh, hey, Moss, send me
a link for that, will you?
Right, I'm off.
Bit early!
Got a date.
Oh, right, with Michael?
That's right.
Looks like a magician?
Yeah.
What?
What?
He looks like a what?
This is Michael, right?
The guy that came in last week?
He doesn't look like a magician.
Yeah, he does.
He does, doesn't he, Moss?
Hmm?
The guy that came in
looking for Jen?
Ah, Michael the Magnificent.
He doesn't look like a magician.
He does.
He doesn't.
He massively does.
He does, Jen.
Oh, shut up.
It's a lovely restaurant.
Isn't it?
One of my favourites, actually.
One of the silly things I love about
this restaurant, have you had a look
at these salt and pepper pots,
they're really beautiful.
There's something about the shape,
and I'm probably a bit of
a design freak but
it's a kind of beautiful...
(THEY CHAT AND LAUGH)
(TITTERS SARCASTICALLY)
What are they saying that
could possibly be that funny?
I'm funny, why can't I be
over there making them laugh?
They're proper men, Roy.
We're men. We're proper men.
What's so different about us?
Seven, 14,
51, 35, 42,
49, 35...
Seven...
(ELECTRONIC VOICE):'Did you see
that ludicrous display last night?'
..21, 28...
Oh, referee - oh...
Did you see that
ludicrous display last night?
What's Wenger doing sending
Walcott on that early?
The thing about Arsenal is
they always try and walk it in.
Exactly. Dan.
Roy.
But Chelsea, on the other hand,
I like them suddenly.
(HOARSE): Yeah.
(COCKNEY VOICE): Chelsea?
You're having a laugh int'ya?
I'll put money in it if you like?
Nah, I've already
got a pony on Liverpool,
so I probably won't see that again.
Duh!
Dan, Moss. Moss, Dan.
Nice to meet you, son.
Want a drink, boys?
We'll get this.
Nah, it's on me.
Whatever these boys are having.
Here he is.
Oi, oi.
Oi, oi!
Roy, Moss, Derek, Luke. Moss here
fancies Liverpool for the weekend.
Liverpool?
You're having a laugh int'ya?
He's put a pony on it!
A pony?
Yeah, I know. Tell Barry!
Tell me what?
He's only put a pony on Liverpool.
You lunatic, eh?
MASCULINE BANTER
So, who do you support?
Who do I support?
Yeah.
West Ham.
Did you say West Ham?
Is that all right?
All right?
What does that look like?
A birthmark?
(THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY)
Look on his face!
Look on my face!
(DEEP VOICE):
Roy, can I have a natter with you?
It's about private man's business.
I'm sure you boys will understand.
(CAMP VOICE): Excuse me, please.
I'm a little bit scared,
and I want to leave.
What?
We're in too deep, Roy. I'm
worried they're going to find out
I don't know what a pony is.
We should go.
I'm not going anywhere.
I haven't paid for a drink
all night, and besides, once you
get over the whole football thing,
they're actually surprisingly easy
to talk to.
Maybe we're proper men!
Look, we're messing with stuff
we don't understand.
We're through the looking glass.
Just promise me
you will not let this get too far.
I promise.
CHEERING
Hooray. He's kicked the ball.
Now the ball's over there.
That man has it now.
That's an interesting development.
Maybe he'll kick the ball.
He has indeed and apparently
that deserves a round of applause.
Will you shut up!
This is the worst thing
in the world.
What could I do?
He bought the tickets on the phone
when we were in the pub.
I could hardly say no, could I?
Can I use this?
I don't know.
SINGING
Oh, they're singing!
Maybe we should!
Just promise me we won't do
anything else with them,
I want to go back to being weird.
I like being weird, weird's all
I've got. That and my sweet style.
OK, look here, we'll make our
excuses when the match is over.
How long do football matches last?
A billion hours apparently.
Gonna play poker tonight, you game?
I'm in.
Moss?
(GRUFF): I won't Dan, no.
Come on.
No, no can do. I'm seein' a bird.
Oh, really?
Yeah, why not.
What's she like?
Well, she's, er, not much to look
at but she is very kind 'arted.
So as I say, I've gotta vamoosh.
What, you're not watching it?
They're 'aving a larf today.
We're winning.
No, they're having a larf.
Oh...
(GROANS AT LENGTH)
Morning.
Oh, my word. When did the English
start drinking like that?
You people drink like
you don't want to live.
We do love to binge.
What happened to you?
I've got Cockney neck,
I've been speaking too much Cockney
and it's done my blooming neck in.
< Oh, here she is.
Debbie McGee.
Morning, all.
I'm off to break up with him.
What's wrong with you two?
We've been hanging out with men.
Why are you breaking up with him?
Why? What do you mean why?
Because he looks like a magician.
Doesn't he, though?
Oh, he totally does.
And ever since you two said it
I haven't been able
to get it out of my head.
So thanks, thanks a lot.
Another one bites the dust.
You're not breaking up
cos of that?!
I can't be seen
with that...mentalist.
Do you know what
he does for a living?
He is a driving instructor.
A driving instructor who looks
like a magician. It's preposterous.
That's almost the worst look
a driving instructor could have.
So distracting.
Only clown would be worse.
Mmmm. Or mountie.
So, how was your night
of poker with the boys?
Yeah, good, good.
I mean, I didn't... I wasn't
brilliant at the start because,
you know, I was mostly vomiting.
Lovely.
But then I knuckled down and
I brought my "A" game and, er,
things got a lot better.
That's good, how much did you win?
Er, no, no, I lost ?200. But it's
less than I usually lose, so...
Still, ?200 though.
Mm, but listen to this,
Dan let me off.
He just totally let me off.
Proper men are so cool.
They just don't care about money.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
Where's my fackin' money?
I want that money, give me my money.
Oh, really?
I'm only joking, you muppet. Ha-ha!
(HYSTERICALLY): Oh! You're funny.
'Oi, listen,'
a friend of mine's let me down.
Can you meet me at lunch?
Yeah, OK, OK.
(I just went to the toilet.)
What's your address?
Here he is. Hiya, Dan.
You got here.
Oi-oi, boys.
All right, mate. All right?
You all right?
Yeah, er, pretty good.
Oh, hey, sorry again
about last night.
Nah, don't mention it.
Listen, that favour,
you wouldn't be available to
do a little taxi job would you?
You want me to drive?
This?
Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
I wouldn't bother you with this,
but someone's let me down.
It should only take
a couple of hours.
It's no problem.
Oh, is it an automatic?
Cos I can only drive an automatic.
Oh, it is an automatic.
I'm your man. Oh, and you're sure
that everything with the money is OK?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
This makes us totally quits.
You, sir, are a gentlemen.
This guy, huh?
Here we go.
Pull over here, Roy.
OK.
"You have reached your destination."
All right, everyone.
Take your time.
Oh, hey, how do you
get the radio to work?
Ah, I've got it, got it.
POP MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, I love this one.
PHONE RINGS
Yeah? Hey, man. All right?
Hey, do you want to
meet up after this?
Yeah, nothing's happening here.
The guys have this, er, lockup down
by the gas works on Newcombe Road.
The gas works? Is there anything
about them that's not manly?
Jesus!
Moss!
Jesus Christ!
What?
What is it?
There's a robbery!
Across the road, right here.
There's a robbery.
There's some blokes in balaclavas.
Wow! They're, they're
totally robbing this place.
Call the police, call the police.
Yeah, bye.
Police, please.
Yeah, hi, I'm on Denbury Road
and there is a robbery
taking place right now.
Three men, indiscriminate race,
balaclavas, big guns.
Yeah, OK...
Oh, my God, they're coming out.
They're coming out,
OK, they're coming out.
They're running towards us.
They're running towards the car.
They're getting...
ALARM RINGS
DRIVE!
Okey-dokey.
Straight ahead. OK.
Yeah, go on, keep going, mate.
Right, swing a left here.
Right, drive up those ramps there.
Right,
drive up the ramps into the truck.
Come on, Roy, quickly!
Yep, okey-doke.
Come on!
I'm climbing onto the truck.
Am I on it? Am I on it? I can't see.
Oh, no! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
What's the matter with you?
Get driving, man!
Just get it up!
Up, up, up, up we go into the truck.
SIRENS BLARE
CRYING AND WHIMPERING
What's that? Is someone crying?
No.
Did you see that
ludicrous display last night?
What was Wenger thinking bringing
Walcott on that early?
The thing about Arsenal is,
they always try and walk it in.
But why? I don't understand,
I thought it was going so well.
Was it something I did?
No, no. It's hard to explain.
Tell me, Jen, for God's sake.
You owe me that much.
You look like a magician, Michael.
All right?
I'm sorry, but you do.
I didn't notice at first,
but then someone mentioned it and
now I can't get it out of my head.
But I'm not a magician.
I know, that's why it's not
good that you look like one.
Well, what is it, exactly, about me?
It's everything.
There's nothing about you that
doesn't look like a magician.
It's everything. Don't you see it?
Don't you wake up every morning
and look in the mirror and think,
"Christ, I look like a magician!"?
No. Well, you should.
I would, if I was a
weirdy, beardy magiciany man.
I'm just trying to
help you, Michael.
So it's over because of that?
I don't see any way past it.
It's weird, it's weird for me.
I'm sorry.
No, wait. Maybe we can
think of something.
What if I actually
learned some magic tricks?
What do you mean?
Perhaps if I learned some tricks,
it wouldn't feel so strange
that I look like a magician.
You'd have to learn a lot of tricks.
I mean, you'd basically you'd
have to actually become a magician.
Do you really want to make
that kind of commitment?
What was all that about?
We was stitched up,
they knew we were there.
Oh, shut up, Barry.
It was always a possibility,
that's why we had the truck.
I'm telling you, we were barely out
of there before the bill turned up.
Someone grassed us up.
Oh, is that the...?
Oh, I've got to go, I don't
want to miss Gok's Fashion Fix.
Yeah, you're too quick
to trust people.
What do we know about this bloke?
How do we know he didn't do it?
Because he didn't know
about it till this afternoon.
I didn't know about
it till this afternoon.
That's why I chose him to
do it after you shot Derek.
That's why he chose me to
do it after you shot Derek.
Hello.
Hiya.
You remember Moss?
So, tell me all about
the big robbery.
What?
Roy saw a robbery.
Did you phone the police
like you said you would?
I didn't say that, I said I
was listening to The Police.
Look at all that money.
I wonder how much is there?
Oh, one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven...
You and your bloody great ideas.
I mean, who's this bloke?
All we know about him
is he supports West Ham.
Or maybe that's a lie too.
Hey, hey now, little man.
You can stand there and
slag me off all you like.
But don't you start talking about
how I feel about my beloved West Ham.
Cos I love 'em.
I love 'em gooners.
That's bloody Arsenal.
Look, if you've got a problem with
him, you've got a problem with me.
You're fucking right I have!
Excuse me, I am trying
to concentrate over here.
And will you watch your ruddy
language? My ears are not a toilet.
Derek was right about you.
What are you after?
My piece of the action?
You want to end up in
the boot with Derek, son?
Do you want to make one?
Yeah, I'll make one, mate.
I'll make one right now.
Oh, yeah? Let's have it.
Don't you mug yourself.
Let's have it! Don't mug yourself!
Do it. Yeah?
THEY SHOUT AMONG THEMSELVES
I need to know how much is there.
No, you don't.
We need to get out of here, OK? We
do not want to get mixed up in this.
SIRENS BLARE
What are we going to do now? Quick.
Get out of the way,
you bloody poof.
OK, let's go.
Couldn't we have just have
hidden behind those bins?
I suppose.
Right, let's go.
So, er, if you just place
these back into the pack.
Just pop it back in, that's it.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
And before your very eyes,
I shall do the magic shuffle.
And, er - ignore that -
this will go in here
and Bob's your uncle, abracadabra,
is this your card?
No, Michael.
I'm sorry, Michael,
it's over.
SOBBING
I better make sure she's all right.
Anyone see the final last night, eh?
Fuck off, Harry.
50, 100, 150, 200, 250, 300,
350, 400, 450, 500, 550, 600...
I think my dentist lives near here,
do you know him?
That's a stupid question -
why would you know him?
It's not like you live in the truck.
So, what sort of truck is this?
Are there different sorts of trucks?
Is that a stupid question?
Listen to me chatting away
like Stephen bloody Fry.
Who closed the door?
subsBusters