The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 3 - Tramps Like Us - full transcript

Jen interviews with another company to escape Douglas' advances but finds her ignorance showing. Roy has trouble hanging onto his shirt and finds himself topless on the upper floors until security tracks him out and tosses him out on the street penniless.

Previously in The IT Crowd:

Douglas received a love potion from
a mysterious blind man in the desert.

Enraptured with the lovely Jen Barber,
an employee of Reynholm Industries,

he administers the potion in
the hope of enslaving her heart.

But when Douglas drinks
the concoction by mistake,

which turns out to be Rohypnol,
he becomes incredibly aroused,

even though Rohypnol would
really only make you tired.

Jen locks him in his office with Moss
and Roy, with whom he attempts to
achieve sexual congress.

An enraged Jen embarks on a lengthy
legal process using brilliant lawyer

Jon Rergen,
a friend of her aunty's.

After months of legal wrangling an
amicable agreement is finally reached.



This programme contains
strong language.

You're robbing me blind, Jen.

Sign here, here, here.

Yeah, and I reckon I know where to sign
on a sexual harassment settlement,
thank you.

I've got to thank you, Jan,
for not taking this matter any further.

Not only does that show great
maturity but also a... Is she asleep?

I'm not asleep.

All right, all right.

It's not just the money,
you know.

I know.

There's a principle involved.

Parting with the money
was painful enough,

but the electric pants I have to wear at
work so I don't become aroused, they're
also painful.

Excuse me,
I'm just charging them.



Don't say anything that will
get me going, either of you.

Does it hurt,
you know, when you?

It's like being tased
in the balls. Tea?

No, thank you.

Like being tased in the balls,
except painful.

So, Jen, what are you going
to do with your ?500.

Don't know.

I still feel we could've got more,
you know.

Now, Jen,
we've been through this.

He tried to use Rohypnol on me.

I thought it was
a magic potion.

Anyway, if this went to court
it'd be your word against mine

and who are they going to believe?
A woman or an Englishman?

Oh, up yours!

BUZZINF

That wasn't even sexy.

These pants are broken.

Sorry to bother you, mate. I've just
found out my mum's been taken into

hospital. Normally my sister would go
but she's just moved to Australia.

Australia?

I really need to get down there.
My car's broken down...

OK, look, here's 50p.

It's all I've got and it's 50p
more than that story deserved.

I can't believe you
got more than me.

Why wouldn't we?
Jen, we were violated too.

Violated?! He chased
you around the table.

He kissed Moss.

Right on the lips, apparently.

Don't you remember?

I don't remember anything.
I went to Moss's happy place.

You two are useless.

If we'd stuck together we
might've made real money.

?550 is not to be
sniffed at, Jen.

No, and neither is ?560.

If that's the kind of money I can make,
I'm going to start dressing even
more provocatively.

Yeah, we you can save
some of that for Freddy.

What's this?

Freddy, that bloke that did the charity
thing where he tied the balloons to
the chair.

Oh, yeah.

Such a lovely idea.

Floating from London to
Glasgow to promote optimism.

Anyway, there's a collection
for his wife and kids,

so you'd both better cough up.

Moss, what would be
an appropriate amount

to give to Freddy's
wife and kids?

I suppose normally about ?5

but seeing as we just
got all that money, ?50?

That seems fair. Let's split the
difference and call it a tenner.

PHONE

Hello?

Hello?

Douglas, I know this is you.

BUZZING

'ARGH! Jesus,
this bloody thing.'

Are you all right, Olive?
You look a bit peaky.

Yes, I-I'm,
I don't feel up to it any more.

I feel sort of dizzy
all of a sudden.

Well, you're terrifically old.

But don't worry,
not long now till you're at peace.

I've done it. Oh, I've done it.

I'm up against the boss now.

Oh, it's a giant
spider shooting out

all these little baby spiders.
That's brilliant.

I'm going nowhere down here.

Nowhere. I'm going to,
ooh, oh, where's Moss?

I'm going to finish
this bitch off, Moss.

It's a dead end.

They don't come any deader.

OK, sweetcheeks,
here comes the pain.

You guys,
do you even need a relationship manager?

Stay down! Stay down, bitch!

I'm dead!

Oh, no, exactly, Jen, no offence,
but I object to the whole idea that

we even need management,
like we're a

pair of nitwits that don't know
how to take care of ourselves.

It's...it's insulting
is what it is.

Yeah, yeah,

I suppose you're right.

Sandwich. Oh, right.

Coffee. Oh, no, no, no.

Got you!
That one's empty, this is the real one!

I've been planning that for ages.
The look on your face!

Jen?

Yeah?

Don't come in here for a bit.

Why haven't you put
on a clean T-shirt?

I don't have a spare.

Well, someone's looking
for help on 10, so...

No, no, Moss can do it.

Moss can't do it,
he's slightly concussed.

Yeah, all right, I'll go.

Er, I won't be here this afternoon,
I've...I've got a job interview.

Oh, OK, good for you, Jen.

Seriously, we don't need a manager,
it's a non-job.

So you go out there
and you knock 'em dead.

Hello, Jen.

It's Moss. From work?

For God's sake.

Twats!

What happened?
She just collapsed.

I've phoned for an ambulance.
Give us your jacket, mate.

What?

She looks cold,
I want to put it round her shoulders.

She doesn't look cold.

What? Just give us
your jacket, man.

She's fine!
You're fine, aren't you, Olive?

She's moving about.

Oh, and she's talking.

That's it,
keep the spirits up, Olive.

I'm cold!

It's all in your head, Olive.

Your jacket, man.

What? Come on!

Hurry up.

Thank you.

Come on. Here we go.

Hell's teeth!

I'm not aroused, it's only cars.
God damn these electric sex pants.

Isn't it so funny and interesting
that I don't have a shirt on?!

Oh, hello, let's all make
hilarious comments about it.

Everyone, excuse me, er,

as you know,
they found Freddy's body yesterday.

There's nothing I can say that will
make that fact any less horrible.

But perhaps we can bow our heads
for a minute and think about Freddy

and remember what
he meant to us.

Hey, everybody, look at me!

Let's get it over with, let's all
have a big laugh at the topless man.

Look at me. Ooh, look at me,
I have no shirt, where's my clothes?

Ooh look at these pants.
Am I sexy?

Sexy in my nakedness.

We're trying to have a
minute's silence for Freddy,

they found his body yesterday.
If you can give us a couple of minutes.

I work here.
I fucking work here.

Ow. OK. All right. Ow.

Oh, OK...

I work in IT!

My pass is in my jacket.

My pass is in my jacket.

This is madness!

I work here!

It's madness !

Lovely cup of tea.

Ahh, thank you.

Well, I have to say,
I like what I see, Jen.

You're young,
ambitious, intelligent,

just the sort of person
I like to have around.

Ha, ha, ha. Well, I'm no Stephen
Hawking, don't get me wrong.

But you can't work
as long as I have

in IT without having a pretty
firm grasp of the essentials.

You know,

what exactly does IT stand for?

I've often wondered,
but I've never thought to ask.

I'm sorry,
what was the question?

What does IT stand for?

What does it stand for?

What doesn't it stand for?

Yes, yes,
but what does it stand for?

It stands for...

It stands for...

Commitment.

It stands for audacity,
it stands for courage in the face of...

Yes, yes.
I can see what you're getting at.

But the specific letters -
I, T. What do they stand for?

What do you think
they stand for?

No. Perhaps I'm not
making myself clear.

I'm don't want
an interpretation.

I really don't know what the
letters actually stand for.

So let's start with the I.

What does the I stand for?

I need to wee-wee.
I mean go to the toilet,

I need to go to
the toilet, sorry.

I don't normally say "wee-wee",
it's just I'm bursting.

Hello, Roy speaking.

What? Moss?

You're concussed,
you need a doctor.

Who is this? Roy?
Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.

What does IT mean?

What?

IT, what does it mean?

You don't know what it means?

No, I never thought to ask.

This must be Jen.

Yes.

Hello, Jen.

Hello.

How may I help you?

Oh! Tell me what IT means.

Absolutely.

Well?

Very well, thank you.
How are you?

Just stay with me for
this simple question.

Jen, I'm just going to
put you on speakerphone.

No, don't hang...

Jen, you are now
on speaker phone.

Jen?

Hello, Jen?

PHONE RINGS

Jen, can you bear with me.

I've got someone
trying to get through.

Roy speaking.

You hung up on me.

Jen, hold on,
I've got Jen on the other line.

No, you can't.

Jen, can I call you back,
I've got Jen on the other line.

Jen, sorry about that.

Chicken in a basket,
it's been all ruddy go today.

Now, how may I help you?

What does IT mean?

You know, computers,

something to do with
computers, probably.

Computers? That's
not really my area.

Jen I'd love to help you
but it's a real pain,

I seem to have forgotten
everything I know about computers.

How can you forget
everything, Moss?

Maybe it isn't everything.

No, it's definitely everything.

Excuse me, can I trouble you
for 50 pence for a phone call?

Excuse me, mate,
I'm sorry to bother you, but, er,

my mate threw coffee all over me and
then this old woman stole my jacket,

and they chucked me out of
the building where I work.

And now I just need 50p for a phone
call so I can get back to work.

Oh, that's better.

Good, good.

Now, er, where were we?

Oh, God, I can't remember.
I hate it when that happens.

Wow, is this a wooden desk?

Oh, no, I remember,
you were going to tell me what IT means.

Right.

I don't know what it means,
all right?

I never thought to...
it didn't really affect me

as I'm too busy
managing one man

whose idea of an adult night out
is Laser Quest and pornography.

And another who collects wires.

Have you heard Guided By Voices?
They're a band.

No.

I have.

I've heard everything
they've ever done.

They're good,
I'm a bit of a fan now.

Isn't that good?

I shouldn't even
know who they are.

They've turned me
into one of them.

I am one of them.

That's why you need me.

I am your conduit,

I am your
bridge. Ich...bin...ein...Nerd.

Welcome aboard.

BUZZING

Oh, oh.

How can that be erotic?

Good God!

Get me IT.

BUZZING

You there, computer man.
Fix my pants.

I beg your pardon.

Pull down my trousers
and do your job.

Roy?

Jen?

Jen!

Jen!

Oh, Jen!

Oh!

It's been horrible!

Ahh.

Horrible. The worst
two hours of my life.

Oh.

All right.

Hello, everybody, and welcome

to this our first inter-faith
tour of Reynholm Industries.

I thought we'd start with the IT
department because, to be honest,

we do tend to forget about them,
buried down in the basement.

And they really
are lovely guys.

Let's go in and say hello.

But I don't know what it is.

Just pull that thing,
fiddle about with it.

Fuck off!

Try that wire.

Who are you?

Free at last,
I could get to like this.

Just the job, good work.
Hmmm, nice and loose.

I'm in my happy place,
I'm in my happy place.

I'm in my happy place.

I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.

Hello.

Hello, June.

Jen, hello! How can I help you?

I'd like to say thank you,

but I have to turn
your offer down.

Oh. Well,
I'm sorry to hear that. Why?

Personal reasons.

OK. Well, if you change your mind,
you know where I am.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, did you ever
find out what IT stands for?

Piss off, June.

Who wants tea?