The IT Crowd (2006–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - From Hell - full transcript

I could have brought it
in tomorrow, you know.

You didn't have
to follow me home.

Jen, I know what it's like,
lending money.

You do not want it hanging over you.

It's better I just get it back now
before it becomes this big thing between us.

You gave it to me two hours ago
and you literally haven't left my side since!

I am never going to borrow money
off you again. You're a nightmare.

- There, ?5. God!
- Thanking you.

- Hi, Jen.
- Oh, Gary, hi. How's it going?

- Good. I've finished that first wall.
- Great. That was quick.

Gary's doing a bit of
work around the house.



Hello.

- Have we met?
- Er... no, I don't think so.

- You just look...
- Oh...

- I'd better crack on.
- OK.

- Bye, Roy.
- He's...

- Yeah, all right. Time to go.
- I don't think...

- Get out.
- No, wait! Wait.

It can wait till tomorrow.

- Hey, where are you going?
- Nice glasses, mate!

You look a right
old muppet in them!

- Why didn't you tell me this last night?
- You wouldn't let me.

- Builders From Hell?!
- I'm sure it was one of those programmes.

- Gary's a builder from hell?
- I think so.

- Oh, so you're not sure?
- Jen, I'm 99% sure.



Well... what did he do?

The work was fine, there was
nothing wrong with the work,

but then they caught him...

- He pissed in the sink.
- Oh! Oh!

Yeah...

- Which sink?
- All the sinks.

Oh!

Yeah, he basically went on
a pee parade around the house.

- Oh, God, I have to fire him.
- I think you should, yeah.

I'm 95% sure it was him.

You... you said you were 99% sure.

I'm 97% sure it was him.

I- I have to get home.
I have to get home.

Hey, man.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Wait. Was it those bullies again?

Yeah.

Oh. What do they do exactly?

They make hurtful comments, Roy.

You have to learn
how to stand up for yourself, man.

OK, let's try something.
Let's do some role play, OK?

- Do you think that would be a good idea?
- It helped me learn how to buy sandwiches.

OK.

Let's go for it, OK?
So, I'll be those bullies on the bench.

- What, all of them?
- No, just one of them.

- Which one?
- I don't know them, Moss.

I'm a bully on the bench,
and you're going to walk past me.

But this time,
after I make a "hurtful comment",

come back at me with something, OK?

Get all up in my shit.

All right? OK.

Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait.
What do they usually say?

- They mention my glasses.
- OK, let's start with that.

Them glasses is shit, innit?

It's too real, Roy!
It's too real!

- I won't do the voice.
- Thank you.

OK.

OK.

- Nice glasses.
- Oh, yeah, er...

.. maybe the reason
I have to wear glasses

is because I suffer from short-sightedness

and I can't... I won't...
I can't put contact lenses in

cos I'm frightened of touching my eyes.

I can't... There's no way that th-these
glasses... I can't... And there's no...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Stupid hair!

Mr Reynholm,
you seem to lack a basic understanding

of exactly how much trouble
this company's in!

We have a financial crisis here,

and if you don't mind me saying,
your attitude seems to me incredibly cavalier.

What?

I can't hear you.
Can't you see we're having an iPod party?

- Mr Reynholm, please!
- What?

Sorry girls, you'd better go.

Girls, ship it!

Best accounting team I've ever had.

- What's your problem?
- This. The iPod parties are the problem.

The gold flakes in the drinking water
are the problem.

The obscene amount you spend on erotic art.

- Easy there! That's an original.
- Do you know how much trouble we're in?

Do you know what the shareholders
are going to do with us?

- I'm sorry, but you were getting hysterical.
- No, I wasn't!

- You seemed hysterical.
- No!

Anyway, don't worry about the shareholders.
I can handle them.

But you've missed every meeting with them
for seven weeks. Where were you last time?

You're going to hate me for this,
but I fancied the day off,

so I took some of the pension money
out of the bank

and I lost it on a horse.

Yes!

- Gambling with our employees' pensions?
- Gambling? No.

I was riding the horse -
it fell out of my pocket.

Oh, my God!
I'm not hysterical!

Hi, Gary.

Oh, hello.

I thought I'd work from home today.

Sorry, bit out of breath.

Hope you don't mind.

No. Not at all.

Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but
you said you had a problem with your laptop.

- Mind if IT fiddle about while we speak?
- Well, actually, I...

Yeah, no, good.

I can't seem to get it open.

You want me to open it?!

That's why you called me all the way up here,
to open your laptop?!

I would be beholden to you.

No problem.

- Given the delicate nature of our...
- Money, money, money!

That's the problem with you people -
it's always about money.

Roy, give me ?20.

- What?
- Give me ?20. I'll pay you back.

Yeah, er...

You know what I think of money?

- Oh!
- That's what I think of money.

Ah, you've opened it.

Thanks, Roy.

You're welcome.

You do know Japan have expressed concern?

What, the whole country?

No, not the whole...
Mr Yamamoto.

- He's important, isn't he?
- He's the major shareholder.

He's effectively your partner.

He said, "I do hope we do not have
our own Conrad Black at Reynholm Industries. "

Conrad Black - the first rich person
to go to prison in 300 years.

- You see it's serious?
- What do you want from me?

I want you to stay out of trouble.
Do nothing until the conference call tomorrow.

Let me get this right.
You want me to do absolutely nothing?

Just stay out of trouble -
that's all I ask.

You want me to sit on my arse all day?

I think I can handle that.

I don't think I've ever looked in this drawer.

Wow! A gun!

Roy, I'd love to take you through

my changes to the video-conferencing
system in the meeting room,

but maybe I'm boring you.

- I'll never see that ?20 again!
- I can't believe you're not interested

in the sweet flip switch I've installed.

?20 doesn't even register to him
as an amount of money!

He won't remember it.

IT. Have you tried turning it...

Is this the guy? I need to know.
I can't sit here all day staring at him.

It really looked like him, Jen.
I'm 80% sure it's him.

- Are you winding me up?!
- what?

You've gone down 15%!

It's still high.

I am sitting here like an idiot,
and you've gone down about 15%!

Jen, how can you be keeping an eye on him
while you're talking to me as well?

- Hi, Gary.
- All right?

Sorry, I thought you were in the toilet.

I just wondered, erm...
if you fancied a cup of tea.

- Just made you one.
- Oh, yeah.

Great. Thanks.

- So how's it all going?
- I've finished that other wall.

Great.

And that architrave
ain't going to be a problem.

- And the eggshell's come up really well.
- Yeah, it's classy. It's really good.

Thank you for the cup of tea.

Oh, I should probably do that.

Dear Douglas,
if you're reading this,

- you've found my father's service revolver.
- Hell's horses!

I did plan on using this gun
to take my own life, if it came to it,

but as you know,
in the end I jumped out of a window.

I pass it on to you in the hope
that if things ever get too bad,

you'll be able to take the easy way out.

Hopefully it won't come to it,
but if it does,

promise me that you'll shoot yourself
without a moment's hesitation.

I promise, Father.

Your affectionate father, Mr Reynholm.

I wonder if it's loaded.

No.

Ah!

Here we go.

- You off somewhere?
- Erm, yeah.

Yeah?

So, er... what's next on the agenda?

- Look, Jen, I know what's going on.
- You do?

And it's fine.
I understand, I really do.

Oh, so you understand how I feel.

Yeah, but you are barking up the wrong tree.

I mean, I think you're
a top bird and everything, but...

you're not really my type.

I mean, I like tall... beautiful girls.

I don't fancy you,
you big, ugly builder.

I'm trying to stop you
having a piddle party in my house!

- What?
- Builders From Hell. Ring any bells?

- I don't know what you mean.
- You do.

- I don't.
- You haven't been on Builders From Hell?

- No, I haven't.
- Oh, really?!

- Yes, really.
- Really?!

Really!

Well... let's forget about it. Shall we?

This conversation's beneath us.

Wow, I love what you've done
to that wall, Gary.

- I haven't done that wall yet.
- You haven't even done it, and I love it!

God, we should...
You and I should stay in touch.

I would like to stay in touch with you...

cos we've got a... a-a-a-a rapport,
haven't... haven't we?

We've clicked.
We have, we've clicked.

Haven't we? In a way.

In a... in a... in a weird way
that friends... friends usually click.

"A big, ugly builder. "

You. This is all because of you.

Jen, I didn't bring his weight into it!

You said you were 99% sure.

Oh, I don't think I ever went that high.

I've always thought it was about 60/40.

Now that I think about it, Jen, I'm pretty sure
that the guy on the programme was black.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about him
going on a toilet tour of my house.

Unless he's so angry
that he does it out of spite.

- What?
- If someone called me a "big, ugly builder",

I'd be furious - and not just because
I'm actually an IT consultant.

Revenge, that would be uppermost
upon my mind:

- "I'm going to wee on everything. "
- Oh, God!

- "I'm going to taint her abode. "
- Oh!

"I'm going to strain my personal potatoes
throughout her premises. "

Oh, God!

- Nice glasses!
- Not as nice as your momma's glasses!

It's a little bit complimentary,
but we'll work on it.

I can't hang around the house -
he'll know I don't trust him.

But I can't leave him on his own.

What am I going to do?
What am I going to do, Roy?

Jen, just relax, OK?

I've often found that the best solution
is the simplest.

- Thanks again for doing this, Roy.
- No problem, Jen.

It's brilliantly easy
to spy on people these days.

- He won't see the cameras, will he?
- Oh, no, no.

They're pretty well hidden.

- He's muttering a lot. Have you noticed?
- Mm-hm.

"Fat, ugly builder"!

Take that, lollipop man!

Wow!

My grandfather's old service revolver.

To think of all the deserters
he shot in the head with this!

Are you ready?

- Ready for what?
- Japan!

Oh, is that meeting today?
Hell's bells!

You go ahead.
I'll be right there. I've just...

What was that?!

- What was what?
- That noise.

- What noise?
- The loud explosion!

Loud explosion?
What on earth are you talking about?!

- You didn't hear that just then?
- What are you talking about?

You come in here, ranting about gunshots
and service revolvers - I've had enough!

Get out! Go!
Go to the meeting. I'll be right there.

Hello. Does someone
have a problem with their laptop?

Now, you listen to me -
this is very important.

I have a vital meeting to attend,
and I've just shot myself in the leg.

Uh-huh?

I want you to dial 999.

No, it's a new number -
# 011...

Whatever the new number is...

get an ambulance and ask it to wait,

and I'll be there in two hours,
three hours tops.

Are you ready?

I was born... ready.

OK, Roy, we're on.
J'accuse! Gotcha!

OK, how do you record?
How do you record on this?

Roy?

Roy? Roy, how do you record?

OK... we're on.

Mr Yamamoto, hello.

He is angry!

Well, lots to think about there.
Thoughts, anyone?

No? We'll reconvene tomorrow.
Thank you, everyone.

But... but what did it all mean?

- Mr Reynholm, are you all right?
- I'm fine, yes. Yes, I'm fine.

Erm... I'm going to go.

I may not come back.

But I want to say this:

that accounts team...

I had every last one of them.

Just a little bit further, son.

Father?! Is it really you?

- Is this really heaven?
- Yes, yes. Hurry up, come on.

I'm coming, Father.
I'm ready.

Whoa there!

- Was that Hitler?
- Was what Hitler?

- That looked like Hitler.
- That wasn't Hitler, that was a woman.

Really?
Well, it looked exactly like Hitler.

We're having a heaven party,
and that's a Hitlergram.

Right, well,
I don't think I'm quite ready yet.

- Come on!
- No.

I'll see you later.
I've still got a lot of work to do.

- I'll see you later, Douglas.
- Not if I see you first.

.. must call Mark Thatcher...

I'm alive!

Nolan!

My accounting team!

And Roy... gentle, Irish Roy.

Thank you for being by my side
while I awake.

No problem, sir.

We don't want you going anywhere.

Isn't it lucky to see an Irishman when you
awake from a near-death experience?

I've heard that.
Even if it isn't, I appreciate it, Roy,

and I count myself lucky
to have you as a friend.

- He's exhausted. We should go.
- I'll stay with him, make sure he's OK.

Got you, you crafty Irish bastard!

I've got a gun!
I've got a ruddy gun!

I've got a flipping gun!
I've got a flipping gun!

I've got a mother-flipping gun!
I've got a mother-flipping gun!