The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
PHE PHE: Previously on
Hotwives of Orlando...
(INAUDIBLE)
PHIL: Tawny is like a child.
Whoo!
No.
Whoo!
PHIL: That girl is gold.
Gold heart, gold everything.
She's my golden girl.
You little (BLEEP) face!
They're not having
an affair.
She's evicting us,
you idiot.
We're getting a new house?
Oh! Sweetie, thank you.
Just...
Just please...
SHANA: Mommy, why do we
have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shana
I love living
in my car.
It's exactly
like my house.
And I can still
(BLEEP) in it.
Women want to be me.
Men want to put their
penis in my vagina.
I don't know
how to read,
but neither did Jesus.
They said I'd never
make it back on top.
But here I am.
Where am I?
I once punched a goat.
In the face.
If you can't handle
the Phe Phe,
then get out of the kitchen.
Or wherever you at.
I work hard for my money.
And anyone who says
I haven't
has never slept
with an old dude.
(SOBBING)
Nooo!
No! Why?
I don't know how I'll go on.
What if Phil was lying
there covered in blood.
I thought,
"Oh, my God!"
I thought,
"This is the end."
Phil!
Phil!
But it turns out
it was just jelly from the
table that Shauna threw
over him.
(ALL SCREAMING)
He wasn't bleeding
at all.
Not even a little bit.
The doctor says
he could live another
20 or 30 years.
Come on!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just need a minute.
I...
Why?
It's so hard to lose
a husband.
And now I may never
know how that feels.
(SOBBING)
(WAILING LOUDLY)
It really upsets me
to see Tawny cry.
Her face gets all
weird looking
and it's a
real turn-off.
(WHIMPERING)
I can't (BLEEP) like that.
No! Just get out.
Get out. Get out.
Get out!
Get your flat old
ass outta here.
Sorry. Sorry.
Tawny thought I was dead.
And that was
really rough on her.
(SOBBING)
(PANTING)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
(WHIMPERS)
Hello.
Hey, girl, it's Phe Phe.
Hey, Phe Phe.
I know you're
suffering right now,
but I didn't want to wait
to tell you the bad news.
Tawny sued me
for making a similarly
titled song and music video
♪ I don't wanna
your drama ♪
♪ Save the drama
for Obama, yeah ♪
But she lost the case.
Even though as her lawyer,
I fought hard for her.
Thank you for calling.
I don't want you
to worry about
me, Phe Phe.
Just keep on
being Phe Phe.
I don't have a choice.
I gots to be Phe Phe
I know you do.
Registered trademark.
Bye.
(WAILS)
(GASPS)
When I saw that necklace,
I remembered why
I married Phil.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Heath, look
what I got!
Heath!
What my mom always
used to tell me.
Happy wife, happy life.
SHAUNA: I didn't really want
to move out of our last place.
But it kept getting
towed so we had to.
Even though it's, you
know, a little smaller
than our last place
I still want it to
look amazing.
You know, 'cause that's
what I'm known for.
My style
and my rage.
So, I had Tawny
set me up with her
interior decorator
so I could fix
the place up.
Hi, sweetie!
Oh my gosh.
Muah!
Muah!
I love it.
Yeah?
Not lust. Love.
Oh, my God.
I'm obsessed.
This is deep, true
and meaningful.
I love the
natural lighting.
Yeah, well, when you
unzip the rain flap
you get even more
lighting in here.
FIONA: Incredible.
And you know I
wanna ask you,
would you consider
losing a wall?
I don't know, because
then some of those
feral cats could get in.
Right, but the great
thing about that is
A, it's part of
your environment.
I'd say yes,
embrace it.
Just go with
me on this.
I'm thinking,
"I don't know."
Then we could do
an open floor plan.
You don't have to run
it by your husband.
Uh-huh.
But the open floor plan
is very hot right now
and it gives you
more space.
I love it. I mean, we just
have to watch out for the
sewer pipe
because it leaks.
The great thing about
having a leaking sewer pipe,
you could open
that up, too,
put a clear
covering over it
and then you've
got an instant waterfall
in your house.
It's very good
for Feng Shui.
I will be the only one
of my friends to have
a waterfall in the house.
I know, it's wonderful,
it's kind of like an
urban paradise so...
Let me ask you,
do you think I have
room for a half bath?
Oh, my God.
We could do...
I... I envisioned,
I mean, think bigger.
I was thinking a
lovers bidet.
(GASPS)
You and Anthony can
face each other
while you clean
yourselves.
That would be
so romantic.
It's wonderful. And you
know what? When you've
got a small space,
it doesn't mean that
the romance can't be big.
I'm excited.
Change is good.
Who needs a house or rooms?
I'm happy!
Let me ask you this
'cause I know Anthony's
gonna want a man cave.
Of course.
Can you follow me
to the east wing,
I want to show you
what I'm talking about.
Yes.
This is great. I
love the dirt floor.
SHAUNA: Yeah.
It's nice, right?
It's really rustic.
FIONA: Its wonderful
CRYSTAL:
Shauna being homeless
made me think a
lot about Amanda.
I mean, she is
awful in every way.
But I know deep down inside
that my life would
mean nothing
without being able to compare
it to her crappy life.
So, to show Amanda
that I love her
just the way she is,
I am gonna take
her to get Botox.
Oh, dear God!
Doctor, is that normal?
Uh, let's say yes.
AMANDA: Why? What?
What? What? What?
Well, there are
rare cases
when the body rejects the
poison being injected into it.
Okay. Well...
This is all your fault.
It is not my fault
that your face can't
handle a little poison.
You want
me to fail.
Oh, God! Great!
Even at
getting Botox.
You just can't handle
the fact that
I might be better at
getting Botox than you.
(SOBBING)
Sorry.
I mean, maybe if she could
accept our Lord and Savior
into her heart,
then she could accept a
little botulism into her face.
You ready?
Yeah!
Okay, great.
Okay.
Hey, baby.
Hi, honey.
Ow!
Yeah, I was...
I know how things have
been rough lately
and I was thinking
maybe now might
be a good time
for us to renew our
vows and stuff.
Ahhh! Oh,
my God!
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
That's so
romantic!
I love you.
Oh, my God!
I love you, too.
And stuff you
like to hear.
Oh, gosh!
So, uh, you want to
pick out which one you
think looks real to you.
Oh, my God! Um...
Oh, God! I'm
gonna die!
Just do it.
Okay. Okay.
Got it?
Oh! This one.
Just one.
Just...
No, this one.
Just one. Just one!
No.
Just take
that one.
Oh, my God!
Thank you!
All right. We're
done, right?
I love you.
Sure. Sure.
I love you, too.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay. I'm gonna
kill that dog.
It's a fairy tale.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I found out we can
get a wicked tax break if
we get married again.
We just have to use
different names.
And different social
security numbers.
It's no big deal.
The important thing
is it's romantic.
Right?
(PHONE RINGING)
VERONICA:
Hello.
Veronica?
I have some good
news to tell you.
You don't have herpes!
No, no, I do. That
never goes away.
Screw my freakin' herpes.
Anthony and I are
renewing our vows.
Ahhh! Darling, I'm
so happy for you.
Oh! You have to do it
on my putt putt course.
Oh, my God! I
would love that.
When Veronica offered to
host our wedding at her
miniature golf course,
I was like, "Yes!"
Because we can't afford
to do it anywhere else.
I was doing my wedding list
and I couldn't remember if
I should invite Tawny or not.
But luckily I have a
foolproof system
so I never forget.
VERONICA: I am thrilled to
throw Shauna and Anthony's
vow renewal at Hot Holes.
It's a very prestigious
destination
for Orlando's rich and
famous to come celebrate.
One time,
Joey Fatone vomited
right on the putting green.
Hi.
I'll take a
vodka tonic. Just
hold the tonic.
Yeah, I'm not a
bartender. I'm just
getting myself a drink.
Oh! A man after
my own heart.
(LAUGHING)
Actually I'm, uh,
I'm not a man.
I'm Shauna's
sister, Jo.
But, uh, actually I
get that a lot.
Actually, it happens
all the time, yeah.
Hey, Jo.
You're cute
(CHUCKLES)
You're not so
bad yourself.
Is that for me?
Sure, yeah.
Drink that.
Those are...
Nice.
That's a pretty
get-up you
got on there.
Yeah.
Yup.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, uh, it's not easy
being a lesbian in Orlando.
Or Florida.
Or this country.
So when a totally
wasted chick who is
way past her prime
hits on me, I'm like,
"Uh, jackpot!"
Ding, ding, ding!
Hmm.
Yeah.
Not bad for a
woman with four kids.
Five.
Five kids.
It's my big day and
yes, I invited Tawny.
We've just been
through so much together
these past few months.
First we were best friends.
Then she hated me.
And then we were
friends again.
Then I hated her.
Let's take this
to the streets.
And then we
couldn't remember
if we were friends
anymore.
-You know...
-You know you...
And now we're solid again.
It's just nice to know I'm
gonna have my bestie next
to me on my wedding day.
TAWNY: Shauna, Oh, my
God! You look beautiful.
Oh! Thank you!
You're wearing my dress.
How was I supposed to know
that Shauna was gonna wear
a wedding dress
at her wedding?
I'm not a mind-reader.
Ahhh! You bitch!
You bitch!
You stupid bitch!
Watch my boobs.
Watch my boobs.
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Yeah, because
they're really...
Yeah, just be careful.
ANTHONY: Hey! Hey! Hey!
PHIL: Easy. Easy!
ANTHONY: We gotta
return this dress.
Yeah, don't
rip the dress.
Come on!
What are
you doing?
No! No! No!
Stay away
from the dress!
Hey, hey,
hey, easy!
Easy, easy. We're
here for a wedding.
Let's just try
to get along
for today.
You can go back
to hating each
other tomorrow.
When Phil put it
that way, I was like,
"You know what?
"He's right."
As long as I can
hate her tomorrow,
we can be best
friends today.
Take it easy,
everybody.
It's my day.
I want it to be nice.
I forgive you.
For today,
I forgive you too.
Phil totally blew it.
They were two seconds
away from tearing their
clothes off and kissing.
I love weddings.
We are gathered
here today.
(BLEEP)
Oh, my God!
The whole thing is
a bunch of BS.
Everyone, the wedding
is still on. Just, he'll come
back, he'll come back.
(SINGING OFF-KEY)
♪ Weddings are
for weddings days
♪ And it's
happening
right now ♪
No, Shauna didn't actually
ask me to sing at her wedding,
but I brought a microphone.
And that's as
good as an invite.
You got a microphone
in your purse
and a song in your heart.
You're welcome, Shauna.
♪ And no one can take away
this day
♪ 'Cause it's
happening for you ♪
I am an ordained minister.
Although,
I have never had
the privilege of marrying
any friends of mine.
Or any human beings
for that matter.
My dog wedding
business, Bow Vows,
does very well.
We have the lowest doggie
divorce rate
in all of Orlando.
There was some
confusion when Tawny
walked down the aisle
because they thought
she was the bride.
I mean, I don't know why.
Perhaps it could
be because she was
wearing a wedding dress.
But that seems weird.
We are gathered here today
to unite this man
and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Hey, you guys
mind if we play
through real quick?
Go on.
Oh! Nice.
GOLFER: Putting through
that wedding party
was the hardest obstacle
I've conquered since I
threaded the needle on
the underwater windmill.
Try and put more
English on it, you
have to bank it.
Try to bank it.
Pretty proud of myself.
I wasn't gonna close the
golf course for a wedding.
I can't deny my customers
minigolf for a whole day.
This is Orlando.
It's not Daytona.
Excuse me.
Can we get back to
this beautiful
renewal of vows?
Ah, well,
I wrote my
own vows.
Aw.
Shauna.
I love you.
You did that all
by yourself.
Aw. (SNIFFS)
That was
beautiful.
You're amazing.
Anthony Meducci.
(BLEEP)
Hey!
Oh, my God!
Arrest
all of them.
No! What? No. No.
SHAUNA: Don't you
touch my husband!
You whore!
He's mine.
Get your hands
off my husband!
Everyone, the wedding
still goes. Just, he'll come
back. He'll come back.
(BLEEP)
(BUZZING)
The whole thing is
a bunch of BS.
I don't know what
they heard
or who they heard it from,
but we ain't done
nothin' illegal.
In at least two states.
I alerted the police.
Because I thought
Shauna and Anthony
would want them to know.
I was just being
a good friend.
Shauna and
Anthony Meducci,
you are under
arrest for mail fraud,
bank fraud,
and 37 other
kinds of fraud,
many of
which you
invented.
You have
the right to
an attorney.
Phe Phe,
will you be our
attorney?
I got you, girl.
We are going
to win this.
There is no way we
are going to win this.
Those two are guiltier
than a Jew eating pulled
pork on Yom Kippur.
Oh! Damn.
Sometimes it feels
so good to be Phe Phe.
I love your
new bracelets,
Shauna.
I'm not worried,
we always bounce back.
Just like our checks.
The government can't
see this, right?
SHAUNA: Bye.
ALL: Bye.
You look
beautiful.
Well, I don't know about
you but I'm still in the
mood for a wedding.
Billy...
Darling, will
you marry me?
Awesome!
ALL: (GASPING) Aww!
I was talking about
Grand Theft Auto.
They have a sweet
iPhone version now.
But, you know, marrying
Veronica seems
pretty fun, too.
You know what?
Rodney.
Oh!
(GASPS) Oh!
Will you remarry me?
You bet your
sweet ass
I will!
Hey, listen. I miss
being married.
Having sex with
other women
is so much more
exciting that way.
Hell, ya!
We're getting
married!
We... We are?
We are!
ALL: Yay!
Gay marriage isn't legal
in Florida but, uh,
if she doesn't know that, I'm
not going to (BLEEP) tell her.
Oh! This is
so exciting!
I love a
wedding.
I know, you cried
so much at ours.
And now, by
the power
vested
in me by the
fantabulous
State of Florida,
I pronounce
you married,
bitches.
Let's celebrate!
Finally a man who
knows what I want!
You know I am
a woman, right?
Yeah!
I've never been
so happy!
Phe Phe, just
so you know,
your husband
just had sex
with me in
the bathroom.
I'm telling
you as a
friend.
Oh hell, no!
(GASPS)
(GASPS) Oh!
No! I'm your friend!
I'm your friend! Ahhh!
Sweetheart.
Crystal...
Mmm?
Cover up your titty.
Grossing everybody
out, baby, come on.
(WHISPERING) We
should get married.
No.
Thanks, Phil.
I'm all set, buddy.
Yeah, I'm
all set.
No!
Phil, let's
go, buddy.
All right.
Oh! Baby.
Aww.
(SHUSHING)
Wait, so there's
not a Nordstrom here?
Baruch ata,
I don't know, guys.
Matty Green here, and what a
season it has been in Orlando.
What a beautiful vow renewal
that turned into an arrest
that turned into a
triple wedding.
We'll cover it all in our
cool down with my guest from
The Howard Stern Show,
Baba Booey, and returning
fan favorite, Russian
president Vladimir Putin,
as we play our new karaoke
game Putin-on-the-Ritz.
Play at home, bitches,
and tune in next week
for our Hotwives of
Orlando reunion special.
See you soon!
Hotwives of Orlando...
(INAUDIBLE)
PHIL: Tawny is like a child.
Whoo!
No.
Whoo!
PHIL: That girl is gold.
Gold heart, gold everything.
She's my golden girl.
You little (BLEEP) face!
They're not having
an affair.
She's evicting us,
you idiot.
We're getting a new house?
Oh! Sweetie, thank you.
Just...
Just please...
SHANA: Mommy, why do we
have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shana
I love living
in my car.
It's exactly
like my house.
And I can still
(BLEEP) in it.
Women want to be me.
Men want to put their
penis in my vagina.
I don't know
how to read,
but neither did Jesus.
They said I'd never
make it back on top.
But here I am.
Where am I?
I once punched a goat.
In the face.
If you can't handle
the Phe Phe,
then get out of the kitchen.
Or wherever you at.
I work hard for my money.
And anyone who says
I haven't
has never slept
with an old dude.
(SOBBING)
Nooo!
No! Why?
I don't know how I'll go on.
What if Phil was lying
there covered in blood.
I thought,
"Oh, my God!"
I thought,
"This is the end."
Phil!
Phil!
But it turns out
it was just jelly from the
table that Shauna threw
over him.
(ALL SCREAMING)
He wasn't bleeding
at all.
Not even a little bit.
The doctor says
he could live another
20 or 30 years.
Come on!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just need a minute.
I...
Why?
It's so hard to lose
a husband.
And now I may never
know how that feels.
(SOBBING)
(WAILING LOUDLY)
It really upsets me
to see Tawny cry.
Her face gets all
weird looking
and it's a
real turn-off.
(WHIMPERING)
I can't (BLEEP) like that.
No! Just get out.
Get out. Get out.
Get out!
Get your flat old
ass outta here.
Sorry. Sorry.
Tawny thought I was dead.
And that was
really rough on her.
(SOBBING)
(PANTING)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
(WHIMPERS)
Hello.
Hey, girl, it's Phe Phe.
Hey, Phe Phe.
I know you're
suffering right now,
but I didn't want to wait
to tell you the bad news.
Tawny sued me
for making a similarly
titled song and music video
♪ I don't wanna
your drama ♪
♪ Save the drama
for Obama, yeah ♪
But she lost the case.
Even though as her lawyer,
I fought hard for her.
Thank you for calling.
I don't want you
to worry about
me, Phe Phe.
Just keep on
being Phe Phe.
I don't have a choice.
I gots to be Phe Phe
I know you do.
Registered trademark.
Bye.
(WAILS)
(GASPS)
When I saw that necklace,
I remembered why
I married Phil.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Heath, look
what I got!
Heath!
What my mom always
used to tell me.
Happy wife, happy life.
SHAUNA: I didn't really want
to move out of our last place.
But it kept getting
towed so we had to.
Even though it's, you
know, a little smaller
than our last place
I still want it to
look amazing.
You know, 'cause that's
what I'm known for.
My style
and my rage.
So, I had Tawny
set me up with her
interior decorator
so I could fix
the place up.
Hi, sweetie!
Oh my gosh.
Muah!
Muah!
I love it.
Yeah?
Not lust. Love.
Oh, my God.
I'm obsessed.
This is deep, true
and meaningful.
I love the
natural lighting.
Yeah, well, when you
unzip the rain flap
you get even more
lighting in here.
FIONA: Incredible.
And you know I
wanna ask you,
would you consider
losing a wall?
I don't know, because
then some of those
feral cats could get in.
Right, but the great
thing about that is
A, it's part of
your environment.
I'd say yes,
embrace it.
Just go with
me on this.
I'm thinking,
"I don't know."
Then we could do
an open floor plan.
You don't have to run
it by your husband.
Uh-huh.
But the open floor plan
is very hot right now
and it gives you
more space.
I love it. I mean, we just
have to watch out for the
sewer pipe
because it leaks.
The great thing about
having a leaking sewer pipe,
you could open
that up, too,
put a clear
covering over it
and then you've
got an instant waterfall
in your house.
It's very good
for Feng Shui.
I will be the only one
of my friends to have
a waterfall in the house.
I know, it's wonderful,
it's kind of like an
urban paradise so...
Let me ask you,
do you think I have
room for a half bath?
Oh, my God.
We could do...
I... I envisioned,
I mean, think bigger.
I was thinking a
lovers bidet.
(GASPS)
You and Anthony can
face each other
while you clean
yourselves.
That would be
so romantic.
It's wonderful. And you
know what? When you've
got a small space,
it doesn't mean that
the romance can't be big.
I'm excited.
Change is good.
Who needs a house or rooms?
I'm happy!
Let me ask you this
'cause I know Anthony's
gonna want a man cave.
Of course.
Can you follow me
to the east wing,
I want to show you
what I'm talking about.
Yes.
This is great. I
love the dirt floor.
SHAUNA: Yeah.
It's nice, right?
It's really rustic.
FIONA: Its wonderful
CRYSTAL:
Shauna being homeless
made me think a
lot about Amanda.
I mean, she is
awful in every way.
But I know deep down inside
that my life would
mean nothing
without being able to compare
it to her crappy life.
So, to show Amanda
that I love her
just the way she is,
I am gonna take
her to get Botox.
Oh, dear God!
Doctor, is that normal?
Uh, let's say yes.
AMANDA: Why? What?
What? What? What?
Well, there are
rare cases
when the body rejects the
poison being injected into it.
Okay. Well...
This is all your fault.
It is not my fault
that your face can't
handle a little poison.
You want
me to fail.
Oh, God! Great!
Even at
getting Botox.
You just can't handle
the fact that
I might be better at
getting Botox than you.
(SOBBING)
Sorry.
I mean, maybe if she could
accept our Lord and Savior
into her heart,
then she could accept a
little botulism into her face.
You ready?
Yeah!
Okay, great.
Okay.
Hey, baby.
Hi, honey.
Ow!
Yeah, I was...
I know how things have
been rough lately
and I was thinking
maybe now might
be a good time
for us to renew our
vows and stuff.
Ahhh! Oh,
my God!
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
That's so
romantic!
I love you.
Oh, my God!
I love you, too.
And stuff you
like to hear.
Oh, gosh!
So, uh, you want to
pick out which one you
think looks real to you.
Oh, my God! Um...
Oh, God! I'm
gonna die!
Just do it.
Okay. Okay.
Got it?
Oh! This one.
Just one.
Just...
No, this one.
Just one. Just one!
No.
Just take
that one.
Oh, my God!
Thank you!
All right. We're
done, right?
I love you.
Sure. Sure.
I love you, too.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay. I'm gonna
kill that dog.
It's a fairy tale.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I found out we can
get a wicked tax break if
we get married again.
We just have to use
different names.
And different social
security numbers.
It's no big deal.
The important thing
is it's romantic.
Right?
(PHONE RINGING)
VERONICA:
Hello.
Veronica?
I have some good
news to tell you.
You don't have herpes!
No, no, I do. That
never goes away.
Screw my freakin' herpes.
Anthony and I are
renewing our vows.
Ahhh! Darling, I'm
so happy for you.
Oh! You have to do it
on my putt putt course.
Oh, my God! I
would love that.
When Veronica offered to
host our wedding at her
miniature golf course,
I was like, "Yes!"
Because we can't afford
to do it anywhere else.
I was doing my wedding list
and I couldn't remember if
I should invite Tawny or not.
But luckily I have a
foolproof system
so I never forget.
VERONICA: I am thrilled to
throw Shauna and Anthony's
vow renewal at Hot Holes.
It's a very prestigious
destination
for Orlando's rich and
famous to come celebrate.
One time,
Joey Fatone vomited
right on the putting green.
Hi.
I'll take a
vodka tonic. Just
hold the tonic.
Yeah, I'm not a
bartender. I'm just
getting myself a drink.
Oh! A man after
my own heart.
(LAUGHING)
Actually I'm, uh,
I'm not a man.
I'm Shauna's
sister, Jo.
But, uh, actually I
get that a lot.
Actually, it happens
all the time, yeah.
Hey, Jo.
You're cute
(CHUCKLES)
You're not so
bad yourself.
Is that for me?
Sure, yeah.
Drink that.
Those are...
Nice.
That's a pretty
get-up you
got on there.
Yeah.
Yup.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, uh, it's not easy
being a lesbian in Orlando.
Or Florida.
Or this country.
So when a totally
wasted chick who is
way past her prime
hits on me, I'm like,
"Uh, jackpot!"
Ding, ding, ding!
Hmm.
Yeah.
Not bad for a
woman with four kids.
Five.
Five kids.
It's my big day and
yes, I invited Tawny.
We've just been
through so much together
these past few months.
First we were best friends.
Then she hated me.
And then we were
friends again.
Then I hated her.
Let's take this
to the streets.
And then we
couldn't remember
if we were friends
anymore.
-You know...
-You know you...
And now we're solid again.
It's just nice to know I'm
gonna have my bestie next
to me on my wedding day.
TAWNY: Shauna, Oh, my
God! You look beautiful.
Oh! Thank you!
You're wearing my dress.
How was I supposed to know
that Shauna was gonna wear
a wedding dress
at her wedding?
I'm not a mind-reader.
Ahhh! You bitch!
You bitch!
You stupid bitch!
Watch my boobs.
Watch my boobs.
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Yeah, because
they're really...
Yeah, just be careful.
ANTHONY: Hey! Hey! Hey!
PHIL: Easy. Easy!
ANTHONY: We gotta
return this dress.
Yeah, don't
rip the dress.
Come on!
What are
you doing?
No! No! No!
Stay away
from the dress!
Hey, hey,
hey, easy!
Easy, easy. We're
here for a wedding.
Let's just try
to get along
for today.
You can go back
to hating each
other tomorrow.
When Phil put it
that way, I was like,
"You know what?
"He's right."
As long as I can
hate her tomorrow,
we can be best
friends today.
Take it easy,
everybody.
It's my day.
I want it to be nice.
I forgive you.
For today,
I forgive you too.
Phil totally blew it.
They were two seconds
away from tearing their
clothes off and kissing.
I love weddings.
We are gathered
here today.
(BLEEP)
Oh, my God!
The whole thing is
a bunch of BS.
Everyone, the wedding
is still on. Just, he'll come
back, he'll come back.
(SINGING OFF-KEY)
♪ Weddings are
for weddings days
♪ And it's
happening
right now ♪
No, Shauna didn't actually
ask me to sing at her wedding,
but I brought a microphone.
And that's as
good as an invite.
You got a microphone
in your purse
and a song in your heart.
You're welcome, Shauna.
♪ And no one can take away
this day
♪ 'Cause it's
happening for you ♪
I am an ordained minister.
Although,
I have never had
the privilege of marrying
any friends of mine.
Or any human beings
for that matter.
My dog wedding
business, Bow Vows,
does very well.
We have the lowest doggie
divorce rate
in all of Orlando.
There was some
confusion when Tawny
walked down the aisle
because they thought
she was the bride.
I mean, I don't know why.
Perhaps it could
be because she was
wearing a wedding dress.
But that seems weird.
We are gathered here today
to unite this man
and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Hey, you guys
mind if we play
through real quick?
Go on.
Oh! Nice.
GOLFER: Putting through
that wedding party
was the hardest obstacle
I've conquered since I
threaded the needle on
the underwater windmill.
Try and put more
English on it, you
have to bank it.
Try to bank it.
Pretty proud of myself.
I wasn't gonna close the
golf course for a wedding.
I can't deny my customers
minigolf for a whole day.
This is Orlando.
It's not Daytona.
Excuse me.
Can we get back to
this beautiful
renewal of vows?
Ah, well,
I wrote my
own vows.
Aw.
Shauna.
I love you.
You did that all
by yourself.
Aw. (SNIFFS)
That was
beautiful.
You're amazing.
Anthony Meducci.
(BLEEP)
Hey!
Oh, my God!
Arrest
all of them.
No! What? No. No.
SHAUNA: Don't you
touch my husband!
You whore!
He's mine.
Get your hands
off my husband!
Everyone, the wedding
still goes. Just, he'll come
back. He'll come back.
(BLEEP)
(BUZZING)
The whole thing is
a bunch of BS.
I don't know what
they heard
or who they heard it from,
but we ain't done
nothin' illegal.
In at least two states.
I alerted the police.
Because I thought
Shauna and Anthony
would want them to know.
I was just being
a good friend.
Shauna and
Anthony Meducci,
you are under
arrest for mail fraud,
bank fraud,
and 37 other
kinds of fraud,
many of
which you
invented.
You have
the right to
an attorney.
Phe Phe,
will you be our
attorney?
I got you, girl.
We are going
to win this.
There is no way we
are going to win this.
Those two are guiltier
than a Jew eating pulled
pork on Yom Kippur.
Oh! Damn.
Sometimes it feels
so good to be Phe Phe.
I love your
new bracelets,
Shauna.
I'm not worried,
we always bounce back.
Just like our checks.
The government can't
see this, right?
SHAUNA: Bye.
ALL: Bye.
You look
beautiful.
Well, I don't know about
you but I'm still in the
mood for a wedding.
Billy...
Darling, will
you marry me?
Awesome!
ALL: (GASPING) Aww!
I was talking about
Grand Theft Auto.
They have a sweet
iPhone version now.
But, you know, marrying
Veronica seems
pretty fun, too.
You know what?
Rodney.
Oh!
(GASPS) Oh!
Will you remarry me?
You bet your
sweet ass
I will!
Hey, listen. I miss
being married.
Having sex with
other women
is so much more
exciting that way.
Hell, ya!
We're getting
married!
We... We are?
We are!
ALL: Yay!
Gay marriage isn't legal
in Florida but, uh,
if she doesn't know that, I'm
not going to (BLEEP) tell her.
Oh! This is
so exciting!
I love a
wedding.
I know, you cried
so much at ours.
And now, by
the power
vested
in me by the
fantabulous
State of Florida,
I pronounce
you married,
bitches.
Let's celebrate!
Finally a man who
knows what I want!
You know I am
a woman, right?
Yeah!
I've never been
so happy!
Phe Phe, just
so you know,
your husband
just had sex
with me in
the bathroom.
I'm telling
you as a
friend.
Oh hell, no!
(GASPS)
(GASPS) Oh!
No! I'm your friend!
I'm your friend! Ahhh!
Sweetheart.
Crystal...
Mmm?
Cover up your titty.
Grossing everybody
out, baby, come on.
(WHISPERING) We
should get married.
No.
Thanks, Phil.
I'm all set, buddy.
Yeah, I'm
all set.
No!
Phil, let's
go, buddy.
All right.
Oh! Baby.
Aww.
(SHUSHING)
Wait, so there's
not a Nordstrom here?
Baruch ata,
I don't know, guys.
Matty Green here, and what a
season it has been in Orlando.
What a beautiful vow renewal
that turned into an arrest
that turned into a
triple wedding.
We'll cover it all in our
cool down with my guest from
The Howard Stern Show,
Baba Booey, and returning
fan favorite, Russian
president Vladimir Putin,
as we play our new karaoke
game Putin-on-the-Ritz.
Play at home, bitches,
and tune in next week
for our Hotwives of
Orlando reunion special.
See you soon!