The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
TAWNY: Previously on
Hotwives Of Orlando...
(SCOFFS)
My divorce to Rodney
just went through.
I'm just being
Phe Phe.
Damn!
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: To Amanda's sobriety!
I don't wanna
your drama.
That would make
a good song.
Yeah! Work that pie.
My number one pet peeve
is with other women trying
to (BLEEP) my husband.
(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)
VERONICA: Life is sexy,
because it's sexy.
Sex, sex.
CRYSTAL: It's easy
being a good Christian
when you look
like this. Amen.
AMANDA: I'm a living legend
even though most
people think I'm dead.
SHAUNA:
I'm not a bad person.
I'm just misunderstood
by tons of douchebags.
PHE PHE: I speak my mind.
And if you can't hear me
you're an (BLEEP).
TAWNY: I don't want to say
I'm the hottest hotwife.
But I am, so I will.
Hip are coming in,
scoop it... No.
It's just lower half.
Today is the best
day of my life.
Show me that shimmy.
Go down.
I'm recording
a music video
for my song,
I Don't Wanna
Your Drama.
One, two, three, four.
All right, children,
that's enough rehearsal.
Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Okay, I just need
to take my top off.
No, no, no.
We're not doing that.
Really? Should I
just do cut-outs?
Uh-uh, this is
a family video.
Okay? Let's go.
When Phe Phe
approached me about
recording my own song
I was unsure.
I didn't even know
if I could sing.
♪ I don't wanna,
your drama
♪ I don't wanna
you drama ♪
But it turns out,
I am an amazing singer.
The bitch can't sing.
But that's okay
because we do
it all in post.
I mean can Mariah sing?
Can Christina Aguilera sing?
They can?
♪ Going down
in the sauna ♪
That one felt good.
My voice does this
cool robotic thing
I didn't even
know it could do.
Play it back for us.
♪ I don't wanna
your drama ♪
I sound like a sexy robot.
You do, girl.
♪ Ooh! Let me
spit out my gum
♪ Yeah, ooh
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah
♪ I don't wanna
your drama
♪ I don't wanna
your drama
♪ Yeah
♪ Go cry to your mama
♪ 'Cause I don't
wanna your drama ♪
PHIL: It was great.
They even had a guy
that looked like me.
I think this song
is kind of a love
letter to me.
And Tawny is such
a great actress.
She had me convinced
she was actually
attracted to Heath.
(LAUGHS)
♪ I don't wanna
♪ I don't wanna
your drama
♪ What rhymes with drama
♪ Go and drown in a sauna
Go and drown
♪ 'Cause I don't
wanna your drama ♪
Cut, cut!
Excuse me, excuse me.
I am sorry
to interrupt this.
This is beautiful,
really is.
But I'm gonna
need you to sign
your contract.
There's the choreographer,
producer, craft services.
I'm going to need 50%.
Oh, hell no!
Who did Phe Phe
think she was?
Besides the creator
and the reason
the entire thing
came into being.
I need to speak
to my lawyer.
You'll sign it here.
Hold on a second.
As Tawny's manager
I knew her
calling her lawyer
was trouble.
But as Tawny's lawyer
I knew I could
probably double
my billable hours.
Okay, go ahead.
Phe Phe is trying
to steal from me.
I mean, she's trying
to take, like, 50%.
Phe Phe wants
what's best for you.
If Tawny thinks
she's going to cut me
out of this video deal
then she's more stupider
than I thought.
Yeah. That's a word.
Excuse me.
Oh, hell no. Who do
you think you are?
I'm here to deliver
a notice of foreclosure
to Anthony Meducci.
This some sort of love
letter for my husband?
I'm just the person
who is supposed to
come and tell him
that he's getting
foreclosed upon.
You're doing
foreclosure on him?
I don't even do that.
Anthony won't even
do foreclosure.
He just goes
straight to sex.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm just here to
give him this paper.
Oh, you don't know
what I'm talking about.
You're playing all innocent.
Look at you
in your slut-wear.
How dare you?
He's never going
to leave me.
I was sent by the
bank to come here.
Oh, your bank.
Is that some sort
of pimp you have?
I'm married actually.
Well, then I feel
sorry for your husband
because you're
a whore and a slut
who thinks you can
have my husband, you whore.
What's going on here?
Slut brought some
love letter for you.
We're not
having an affair,
she's evicting us,
you idiot.
Oh, Thank God.
Oh, Thank God.
I'm so sorry.
What "thank God"?
You know what this means.
We've got to
find a new place.
We're getting a new house?
Oh, sweetie,
thank you, thank you.
This time I want
two pools, okay?
I don't feel like
you can afford that.
Oh, we'll make it work,
we always do.
God, you make me
want to kill myself.
Aw. I'd die
for you too baby.
I can't kiss you with
your hand in the way.
Got to move your hand
because I can't...
(SIGHS)
All right.
It's not fair.
Oh. It's not fair.
(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)
(VERONICA SOBS)
A tragedy
has befallen me.
(BAWLING)
Oh, God, no!
My Lover has passed.
They say he overheated.
But I can't imagine
how that could have
possibly happened.
It's not fair!
No, it's not fair!
You know, anger is
the second stage
of grief, babe.
There's only three
more to go until
you're normal again.
Just learned that
in health class.
Luckily Phe Phe is
a professional taxidermist.
So she preserved
my sweet
Lover for me.
I mean,
look at his face.
He looks just like
he did in life.
I was not about to
touch a dead dog.
I threw that (BLEEP) away.
I just went to the
store and bought
a stuffed animal.
And she believed it.
He's always going
to be with me.
I'm just happy
because I finally
have a Lover
who can last forever.
(CHUCKLES)
Because, you know,
he's going to be
dead forever.
But also like a man.
I'd like him to be able
to have his penis hard
for a very long time.
No. I'm sorry. Not...
(SOBS)
Today, I just,
I can't do it.
I would do it.
Get it? No.
Don't say that.
I mean, you know.
It just doesn't
feel right today.
Ooh, that's what she said.
No. Stop it.
She didn't say that.
Oh, my darling. Oh!
Yay, me!
I'm a lot of fun.
Do what I want.
When I want.
How long I want.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(COUGHS)
All right, ladies,
let's get the breath going
with some downward
facing dog
Feel the peace.
Do I look like
Gwyneth Paltrow?
Yes.
I'm not really into
that devil exercise
like yoga.
But Tawny
invited me over
and I had some
really bad news I was
excited to tell her.
And now we move
into goddess pose.
Embrace tranquility.
So do you know
that Phe Phe has
a music video coming out?
Wasn't she producing yours?
What is your mouth
saying to me right now?
Oh, my God.
You didn't know.
(GASPS)
Oh, honey, that's
so awkward for you.
Tawny, Tawny.
I'm telling you
this as a friend.
But Phe Phe...
I already told her,
you're too late.
Damn!
Phe Phe,
you little bitch.
Positive affirmations,
ladies.
I couldn't believe
that Phe Phe would
do that to me.
I mean,
she totally copied me.
Her music video
has music
and lyrics
and choreography
and dance moves,
and mine does too.
♪ Save the drama
for Obama
♪ Save that ♪
Phe Phe is going
to get a letter
from my lawyer.
Who also happens
to be Phe Phe.
VERONICA: I know
most of you here
knew Lover as
a humanitarian
and a philanthropist.
But what you didn't know
is he had a very
playful side too.
You know, yes,
I was very upset
that none of the
girls showed up
for Lover's funeral.
I mean, these
are the girls
that I love,
that I trust.
That I often hate.
And if the
people you hate
don't show up
when you're down,
who do you trust?
I couldn't make
it to Veronica's
dog's funeral
because I had my
I-slept-with-my
-husband party
the same day.
I was really
hurt that none of
the girls came.
I mean, it's not
easy to have sex
with my husband.
I thought my
friends would come
help me celebrate that.
I wanted to be
there for Crystal's
I-just-had-sex
-with-my-husband party
but I was having my
three-day-sober party
on the same day.
Yay, me!
Three days.
I'm sad that no
one else could
be there but me.
(WHOOPING)
Then again,
I'm a lot of fun.
SHAUNA: Of course I fully
support Amanda being
sober for three days
and I wanted to go
to her party.
But I was having
a house warming party
for my new home
the very same day.
Mommy, why do we
have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shayna.
I wasn't trying to
spite Shauna getting
a new car house.
It's just I had my
eyebrow extensions
launch party
the same night.
Not one person
came to my
I'm-getting-sued-by-Tawny
fundraiser.
Not even Tawny,
and it was about her.
I just can't believe
none of them came
to support me.
I thought they were
my best friends.
We're supposed
to be friends.
I feel betrayed.
Don't feel supported.
How dare they!
Bitches!
(SOBBING)
We were all really hurt
when we couldn't attend
each other's events.
But, since all
the ladies weren't
as upset as I was,
I thought we
should all spend
time in one room
where no one
can get away.
So we are
going on vacation!
Ooh! Sexy.
Ugh!
I was so excited when
Phe Phe invited
me on vacation.
Some time off from
all my volunteer
work that I do
for Lap Dances
for Veterans was
just what I needed.
Hey, hon, there won't
be any room for my
stuff in the suitcase.
Wait, you're coming too?
I'll just grab
the other suitcase.
But what's Heath
supposed to use?
Sorry bro,
you snooze, you lose.
I'll just grab
a garbage bag.
(LAUGHS)
I wanted to go on vacation
with the others,
but TJ says,
vacations are sinful.
It's Jewish.
So what If they
want to go to a
tropical island?
I don't walk on
sand unless the
Lord's carrying me.
You know,
one set of foot prints.
It sure as hell
ain't going to
be my foot prints.
If I'm on vacation,
God's carrying me.
I worked hard.
AMANDA: I didn't
realize I probably
should not drink
to celebrate
my sobriety.
And I honestly
thought that
I should go to rehab.
Then I had a very
long conversation
with the producers
of the show
and we both agreed
that I should just
go on the vacation.
Rehab can wait.
Rehab's not
going anywhere.
Go for the vacation.
You're fine.
Okay, I've gathered
you all here for
our secret vacation.
Because we all decided
to turn over a new
leaf with each other,
I even invited Rodney.
TAWNY: Go on,
go on, get in there.
PHE PHE: Okay, okay, okay.
You wanna know
where Phe Phe
is taking you?
Yes!
(WHOOPING)
Only to the
most glamorous,
most exciting...
Vegas.
Most tropical destination
in the world.
Hawaii!
We are going to...
Orlando!
(GROUP CHEERS)
Oh, yes!
Orlando?
With all the stuff
we've been going
through lately,
I just thought
a stay-cation was
the best idea.
Plus, I'm not
spending any money
on those bitches.
So drop these
bags, children.
You are staying at
Casa-de-Phe Phe.
Yes.
Ah! I'm so excited that
we're vacationing in Orlando.
I mean we're rich,
we can go anywhere
we want in the world
so it makes sense we
should vacation in the
place we love the most.
I know we have
not been getting
along lately.
And I do not
want any drama
this weekend.
No drama.
(ALL CLAMORING)
None.
We're not getting
into that this weekend
because I have invited
a very special guest.
No.
PHE PHE: Yes
So please,
help me welcome
motivator,
self-help guru...
Phil Jackson.
PHE PHE: Wrong.
Pyramid scheme
entrepreneur...
Cliff Bonadenturo.
Whoa!
Back it up. Back it up.
Yeah, look out. Whoo!
That's what I'm
talking about.
Let's get motivated!
And uh, it's not
a pyramid scheme.
It's a fun and easy way
to sell my books and
make money from home.
That's my bad.
So, you guys
ready to bond?
(GROUP CHEERS)
Hell, yeah,
I been waiting for this
moment all my life.
I'd love me some
bonding. I choose
you and I choose you.
Couple swap.
You want in on this too?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not that
kind of bonding.
It's different.
This is the kind
where you dig deep
and expose yourself.
Peel back the layers
and later, later...
Start attending
my seminars regularly
and buying my vitamins.
(GROUP MURMURS AGREEABLY)
Can I ask
you a question?
Uh, sure.
Uh, will there be time
for me to sew my eyebrow
extensions later?
There will be.
There will be
time for that.
Now I know there
have been some issues
with this group.
Some miscommunication.
Some, hurt feelings.
Some drama.
(GROUP ARGUES)
TAWNY: No, no drama.
I will not have drama.
CLIFF: Okay, the point...
The point, the point is...
We're going to work
through that and I'm
going to help you,
and we're going to
start right now.
Are you ready?
(CHEERING)
Whoa!
Do it.
Oh, oh,
he's on the move.
Honesty is the
best policy
because the truth
will set you free
because you can't
handle the truth.
If I could have sex
with any of the hot wives,
it'd probably be all of them.
Okay first,
we're going to start out
with some trust falls.
All right?
Partner up, tell an
absolute truth
and then your partner
has to catch you.
It just seems so stupid.
I'm not really
a therapy person.
I'm more of like
a punch someone
in the face
until they feel
terrible and you
feel great person.
This sounds stupid.
Let's just do that
thing again
where all the
wives pretend to
be prostitutes.
People, I'm afraid I'll
have to say, once again.
There's going to be
absolutely nothing
sexual going on today.
You told me...
SHAUNA: What?
I don't know why
we're here then
I'm out of here.
Don't worry.
He just had a bad
trust-fall accident
when he was a kid.
You know what,
I'll go first.
Great!
Billy, I lied
to you about my age.
I'm not 23.
I lied about
my age too.
I'm not 18 yet.
Ooh!
Okay all right.
That's fine, that's...
Excuse me.
That's really fine.
Come on.
Oh, no, no Phil, Phil.
This will be fun,
this will be fun.
Come on. Truth.
(SIGHS)
Lay it on me.
I'm screwing your wife.
(ALL GASP)
I know you are.
I mean,
I pay the bills man.
I know you are
overcharging us for
the personal training.
And you are forgiven!
Nuggies for you!
Now fall down.
Come on, man,
into my big arms.
There we go.
There we go.
Even though we're apart
I'm glad Phe Phe invited
me to the stay-cation.
We need to
communicate better.
I had sex with
the housekeeper.
I know.
I also got
a hand job from
your sister.
Okay. Well, you know,
we don't have to tell
each other everything.
I also got a bunch
of kids out there.
I'm pretty sure.
I mean, a bunch of
them and they are
way out there.
Orlando, Atlanta,
Chicago...
You know how I am
about condoms.
I swear to God.
I'm allergic to latex.
Can't wear that (BLEEP).
You know what I'm saying?
Fall, fall.
Forgiveness.
Wow!
Who's next?
Alli, Alli, come here.
Time to tell some truth.
Okay, I guess the
truth is that I want
to be a better person.
You know, I'm tired
of gossiping and the
social climbing and...
I mean, the truth is,
I think I hate myself
more than anyone else
could ever, hate me.
Aw, Alli.
Don't say that,
okay, Alli.
I hate you more
than you could
ever hate yourself.
Tawny, thank you!
You have to
stop beating
yourself up.
Learn to
love yourself.
And you'll flourish.
You're right.
You're right.
Thank you so much.
And just so you know,
Phe Phe asked
Deepak Chopra
to come here first
and also Tony Robbins
and after they said no
you were kind of
last on the list.
I just wanted you
to know that because
I am your good friend.
Whee!
Okay, well, you just
keep being you.
I can't help it.
Who's next?
I'm next.
Guess that just
leaves me.
I'll go after.
SHAUNA: It was
time for Tawny and I
to bury the hatchet.
We need to
start over.
For the tenth time.
This week.
Tawny,
here's the truth.
You're my best friend.
God damn it.
And I'm sorry
I pushed you away.
I trust you
to catch me.
Not so fast.
Girl I love you so much.
You are my best friend.
You should be the
one that's trusted.
Now catch me.
No, no, no. Okay.
But see, you're more
trustworthy than I am,
so I think
you should catch me.
See, I am more of
the kind of catchy
type. Here I come.
No, no,
you're copying me.
I was falling first.
(BOTH ARGUING)
I'm falling.
Catch me.
Guys, guys, guys
calm down.
Oh, God.
What did you say?
Nothing.
He didn't say anything.
I just said
calm down.
I will not
calm down!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Something happened
to Phil.
TAWNY: Phil?
Phil?
Oh, I feel better.
Phil.
Phil.
Phil.
I think he's dead.
Are you serious?
Are you smiling?
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, dear God. Phil.
What am I going to
do without Phil?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sad.
(LAUGHING)
I'm so, so, so sad.
My beloved husband
is dead.
Pull the plug.
Pull the plug.
He's not plugged
into anything.
Good.
PHE PHE: It's going
to be okay.
Phil! (SOBS)
I thought that
went great.
O-M-G.
What a crazy epi.
Is Phil dead?
I'm still in shock.
We'll talk about it
all coming up on
The Hotwives Cool Down.
Where I'll be joined
by Phil's wife, Tawny,
where she'll talk
about that fateful night.
As well as giving
a live performance
of her song,
I Don't Wanna
Your Drama.
Accompanied
by cellist, Yo Yo Ma.
What a talent.
And we'll also talk
about Yo Yo Ma's
brand new show
about moving in
with his mother,
Yo Yo Mama.
I am obsessed!
Ciao for now.
Hotwives Of Orlando...
(SCOFFS)
My divorce to Rodney
just went through.
I'm just being
Phe Phe.
Damn!
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: To Amanda's sobriety!
I don't wanna
your drama.
That would make
a good song.
Yeah! Work that pie.
My number one pet peeve
is with other women trying
to (BLEEP) my husband.
(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)
VERONICA: Life is sexy,
because it's sexy.
Sex, sex.
CRYSTAL: It's easy
being a good Christian
when you look
like this. Amen.
AMANDA: I'm a living legend
even though most
people think I'm dead.
SHAUNA:
I'm not a bad person.
I'm just misunderstood
by tons of douchebags.
PHE PHE: I speak my mind.
And if you can't hear me
you're an (BLEEP).
TAWNY: I don't want to say
I'm the hottest hotwife.
But I am, so I will.
Hip are coming in,
scoop it... No.
It's just lower half.
Today is the best
day of my life.
Show me that shimmy.
Go down.
I'm recording
a music video
for my song,
I Don't Wanna
Your Drama.
One, two, three, four.
All right, children,
that's enough rehearsal.
Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Okay, I just need
to take my top off.
No, no, no.
We're not doing that.
Really? Should I
just do cut-outs?
Uh-uh, this is
a family video.
Okay? Let's go.
When Phe Phe
approached me about
recording my own song
I was unsure.
I didn't even know
if I could sing.
♪ I don't wanna,
your drama
♪ I don't wanna
you drama ♪
But it turns out,
I am an amazing singer.
The bitch can't sing.
But that's okay
because we do
it all in post.
I mean can Mariah sing?
Can Christina Aguilera sing?
They can?
♪ Going down
in the sauna ♪
That one felt good.
My voice does this
cool robotic thing
I didn't even
know it could do.
Play it back for us.
♪ I don't wanna
your drama ♪
I sound like a sexy robot.
You do, girl.
♪ Ooh! Let me
spit out my gum
♪ Yeah, ooh
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah
♪ I don't wanna
your drama
♪ I don't wanna
your drama
♪ Yeah
♪ Go cry to your mama
♪ 'Cause I don't
wanna your drama ♪
PHIL: It was great.
They even had a guy
that looked like me.
I think this song
is kind of a love
letter to me.
And Tawny is such
a great actress.
She had me convinced
she was actually
attracted to Heath.
(LAUGHS)
♪ I don't wanna
♪ I don't wanna
your drama
♪ What rhymes with drama
♪ Go and drown in a sauna
Go and drown
♪ 'Cause I don't
wanna your drama ♪
Cut, cut!
Excuse me, excuse me.
I am sorry
to interrupt this.
This is beautiful,
really is.
But I'm gonna
need you to sign
your contract.
There's the choreographer,
producer, craft services.
I'm going to need 50%.
Oh, hell no!
Who did Phe Phe
think she was?
Besides the creator
and the reason
the entire thing
came into being.
I need to speak
to my lawyer.
You'll sign it here.
Hold on a second.
As Tawny's manager
I knew her
calling her lawyer
was trouble.
But as Tawny's lawyer
I knew I could
probably double
my billable hours.
Okay, go ahead.
Phe Phe is trying
to steal from me.
I mean, she's trying
to take, like, 50%.
Phe Phe wants
what's best for you.
If Tawny thinks
she's going to cut me
out of this video deal
then she's more stupider
than I thought.
Yeah. That's a word.
Excuse me.
Oh, hell no. Who do
you think you are?
I'm here to deliver
a notice of foreclosure
to Anthony Meducci.
This some sort of love
letter for my husband?
I'm just the person
who is supposed to
come and tell him
that he's getting
foreclosed upon.
You're doing
foreclosure on him?
I don't even do that.
Anthony won't even
do foreclosure.
He just goes
straight to sex.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm just here to
give him this paper.
Oh, you don't know
what I'm talking about.
You're playing all innocent.
Look at you
in your slut-wear.
How dare you?
He's never going
to leave me.
I was sent by the
bank to come here.
Oh, your bank.
Is that some sort
of pimp you have?
I'm married actually.
Well, then I feel
sorry for your husband
because you're
a whore and a slut
who thinks you can
have my husband, you whore.
What's going on here?
Slut brought some
love letter for you.
We're not
having an affair,
she's evicting us,
you idiot.
Oh, Thank God.
Oh, Thank God.
I'm so sorry.
What "thank God"?
You know what this means.
We've got to
find a new place.
We're getting a new house?
Oh, sweetie,
thank you, thank you.
This time I want
two pools, okay?
I don't feel like
you can afford that.
Oh, we'll make it work,
we always do.
God, you make me
want to kill myself.
Aw. I'd die
for you too baby.
I can't kiss you with
your hand in the way.
Got to move your hand
because I can't...
(SIGHS)
All right.
It's not fair.
Oh. It's not fair.
(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)
(VERONICA SOBS)
A tragedy
has befallen me.
(BAWLING)
Oh, God, no!
My Lover has passed.
They say he overheated.
But I can't imagine
how that could have
possibly happened.
It's not fair!
No, it's not fair!
You know, anger is
the second stage
of grief, babe.
There's only three
more to go until
you're normal again.
Just learned that
in health class.
Luckily Phe Phe is
a professional taxidermist.
So she preserved
my sweet
Lover for me.
I mean,
look at his face.
He looks just like
he did in life.
I was not about to
touch a dead dog.
I threw that (BLEEP) away.
I just went to the
store and bought
a stuffed animal.
And she believed it.
He's always going
to be with me.
I'm just happy
because I finally
have a Lover
who can last forever.
(CHUCKLES)
Because, you know,
he's going to be
dead forever.
But also like a man.
I'd like him to be able
to have his penis hard
for a very long time.
No. I'm sorry. Not...
(SOBS)
Today, I just,
I can't do it.
I would do it.
Get it? No.
Don't say that.
I mean, you know.
It just doesn't
feel right today.
Ooh, that's what she said.
No. Stop it.
She didn't say that.
Oh, my darling. Oh!
Yay, me!
I'm a lot of fun.
Do what I want.
When I want.
How long I want.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(COUGHS)
All right, ladies,
let's get the breath going
with some downward
facing dog
Feel the peace.
Do I look like
Gwyneth Paltrow?
Yes.
I'm not really into
that devil exercise
like yoga.
But Tawny
invited me over
and I had some
really bad news I was
excited to tell her.
And now we move
into goddess pose.
Embrace tranquility.
So do you know
that Phe Phe has
a music video coming out?
Wasn't she producing yours?
What is your mouth
saying to me right now?
Oh, my God.
You didn't know.
(GASPS)
Oh, honey, that's
so awkward for you.
Tawny, Tawny.
I'm telling you
this as a friend.
But Phe Phe...
I already told her,
you're too late.
Damn!
Phe Phe,
you little bitch.
Positive affirmations,
ladies.
I couldn't believe
that Phe Phe would
do that to me.
I mean,
she totally copied me.
Her music video
has music
and lyrics
and choreography
and dance moves,
and mine does too.
♪ Save the drama
for Obama
♪ Save that ♪
Phe Phe is going
to get a letter
from my lawyer.
Who also happens
to be Phe Phe.
VERONICA: I know
most of you here
knew Lover as
a humanitarian
and a philanthropist.
But what you didn't know
is he had a very
playful side too.
You know, yes,
I was very upset
that none of the
girls showed up
for Lover's funeral.
I mean, these
are the girls
that I love,
that I trust.
That I often hate.
And if the
people you hate
don't show up
when you're down,
who do you trust?
I couldn't make
it to Veronica's
dog's funeral
because I had my
I-slept-with-my
-husband party
the same day.
I was really
hurt that none of
the girls came.
I mean, it's not
easy to have sex
with my husband.
I thought my
friends would come
help me celebrate that.
I wanted to be
there for Crystal's
I-just-had-sex
-with-my-husband party
but I was having my
three-day-sober party
on the same day.
Yay, me!
Three days.
I'm sad that no
one else could
be there but me.
(WHOOPING)
Then again,
I'm a lot of fun.
SHAUNA: Of course I fully
support Amanda being
sober for three days
and I wanted to go
to her party.
But I was having
a house warming party
for my new home
the very same day.
Mommy, why do we
have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shayna.
I wasn't trying to
spite Shauna getting
a new car house.
It's just I had my
eyebrow extensions
launch party
the same night.
Not one person
came to my
I'm-getting-sued-by-Tawny
fundraiser.
Not even Tawny,
and it was about her.
I just can't believe
none of them came
to support me.
I thought they were
my best friends.
We're supposed
to be friends.
I feel betrayed.
Don't feel supported.
How dare they!
Bitches!
(SOBBING)
We were all really hurt
when we couldn't attend
each other's events.
But, since all
the ladies weren't
as upset as I was,
I thought we
should all spend
time in one room
where no one
can get away.
So we are
going on vacation!
Ooh! Sexy.
Ugh!
I was so excited when
Phe Phe invited
me on vacation.
Some time off from
all my volunteer
work that I do
for Lap Dances
for Veterans was
just what I needed.
Hey, hon, there won't
be any room for my
stuff in the suitcase.
Wait, you're coming too?
I'll just grab
the other suitcase.
But what's Heath
supposed to use?
Sorry bro,
you snooze, you lose.
I'll just grab
a garbage bag.
(LAUGHS)
I wanted to go on vacation
with the others,
but TJ says,
vacations are sinful.
It's Jewish.
So what If they
want to go to a
tropical island?
I don't walk on
sand unless the
Lord's carrying me.
You know,
one set of foot prints.
It sure as hell
ain't going to
be my foot prints.
If I'm on vacation,
God's carrying me.
I worked hard.
AMANDA: I didn't
realize I probably
should not drink
to celebrate
my sobriety.
And I honestly
thought that
I should go to rehab.
Then I had a very
long conversation
with the producers
of the show
and we both agreed
that I should just
go on the vacation.
Rehab can wait.
Rehab's not
going anywhere.
Go for the vacation.
You're fine.
Okay, I've gathered
you all here for
our secret vacation.
Because we all decided
to turn over a new
leaf with each other,
I even invited Rodney.
TAWNY: Go on,
go on, get in there.
PHE PHE: Okay, okay, okay.
You wanna know
where Phe Phe
is taking you?
Yes!
(WHOOPING)
Only to the
most glamorous,
most exciting...
Vegas.
Most tropical destination
in the world.
Hawaii!
We are going to...
Orlando!
(GROUP CHEERS)
Oh, yes!
Orlando?
With all the stuff
we've been going
through lately,
I just thought
a stay-cation was
the best idea.
Plus, I'm not
spending any money
on those bitches.
So drop these
bags, children.
You are staying at
Casa-de-Phe Phe.
Yes.
Ah! I'm so excited that
we're vacationing in Orlando.
I mean we're rich,
we can go anywhere
we want in the world
so it makes sense we
should vacation in the
place we love the most.
I know we have
not been getting
along lately.
And I do not
want any drama
this weekend.
No drama.
(ALL CLAMORING)
None.
We're not getting
into that this weekend
because I have invited
a very special guest.
No.
PHE PHE: Yes
So please,
help me welcome
motivator,
self-help guru...
Phil Jackson.
PHE PHE: Wrong.
Pyramid scheme
entrepreneur...
Cliff Bonadenturo.
Whoa!
Back it up. Back it up.
Yeah, look out. Whoo!
That's what I'm
talking about.
Let's get motivated!
And uh, it's not
a pyramid scheme.
It's a fun and easy way
to sell my books and
make money from home.
That's my bad.
So, you guys
ready to bond?
(GROUP CHEERS)
Hell, yeah,
I been waiting for this
moment all my life.
I'd love me some
bonding. I choose
you and I choose you.
Couple swap.
You want in on this too?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not that
kind of bonding.
It's different.
This is the kind
where you dig deep
and expose yourself.
Peel back the layers
and later, later...
Start attending
my seminars regularly
and buying my vitamins.
(GROUP MURMURS AGREEABLY)
Can I ask
you a question?
Uh, sure.
Uh, will there be time
for me to sew my eyebrow
extensions later?
There will be.
There will be
time for that.
Now I know there
have been some issues
with this group.
Some miscommunication.
Some, hurt feelings.
Some drama.
(GROUP ARGUES)
TAWNY: No, no drama.
I will not have drama.
CLIFF: Okay, the point...
The point, the point is...
We're going to work
through that and I'm
going to help you,
and we're going to
start right now.
Are you ready?
(CHEERING)
Whoa!
Do it.
Oh, oh,
he's on the move.
Honesty is the
best policy
because the truth
will set you free
because you can't
handle the truth.
If I could have sex
with any of the hot wives,
it'd probably be all of them.
Okay first,
we're going to start out
with some trust falls.
All right?
Partner up, tell an
absolute truth
and then your partner
has to catch you.
It just seems so stupid.
I'm not really
a therapy person.
I'm more of like
a punch someone
in the face
until they feel
terrible and you
feel great person.
This sounds stupid.
Let's just do that
thing again
where all the
wives pretend to
be prostitutes.
People, I'm afraid I'll
have to say, once again.
There's going to be
absolutely nothing
sexual going on today.
You told me...
SHAUNA: What?
I don't know why
we're here then
I'm out of here.
Don't worry.
He just had a bad
trust-fall accident
when he was a kid.
You know what,
I'll go first.
Great!
Billy, I lied
to you about my age.
I'm not 23.
I lied about
my age too.
I'm not 18 yet.
Ooh!
Okay all right.
That's fine, that's...
Excuse me.
That's really fine.
Come on.
Oh, no, no Phil, Phil.
This will be fun,
this will be fun.
Come on. Truth.
(SIGHS)
Lay it on me.
I'm screwing your wife.
(ALL GASP)
I know you are.
I mean,
I pay the bills man.
I know you are
overcharging us for
the personal training.
And you are forgiven!
Nuggies for you!
Now fall down.
Come on, man,
into my big arms.
There we go.
There we go.
Even though we're apart
I'm glad Phe Phe invited
me to the stay-cation.
We need to
communicate better.
I had sex with
the housekeeper.
I know.
I also got
a hand job from
your sister.
Okay. Well, you know,
we don't have to tell
each other everything.
I also got a bunch
of kids out there.
I'm pretty sure.
I mean, a bunch of
them and they are
way out there.
Orlando, Atlanta,
Chicago...
You know how I am
about condoms.
I swear to God.
I'm allergic to latex.
Can't wear that (BLEEP).
You know what I'm saying?
Fall, fall.
Forgiveness.
Wow!
Who's next?
Alli, Alli, come here.
Time to tell some truth.
Okay, I guess the
truth is that I want
to be a better person.
You know, I'm tired
of gossiping and the
social climbing and...
I mean, the truth is,
I think I hate myself
more than anyone else
could ever, hate me.
Aw, Alli.
Don't say that,
okay, Alli.
I hate you more
than you could
ever hate yourself.
Tawny, thank you!
You have to
stop beating
yourself up.
Learn to
love yourself.
And you'll flourish.
You're right.
You're right.
Thank you so much.
And just so you know,
Phe Phe asked
Deepak Chopra
to come here first
and also Tony Robbins
and after they said no
you were kind of
last on the list.
I just wanted you
to know that because
I am your good friend.
Whee!
Okay, well, you just
keep being you.
I can't help it.
Who's next?
I'm next.
Guess that just
leaves me.
I'll go after.
SHAUNA: It was
time for Tawny and I
to bury the hatchet.
We need to
start over.
For the tenth time.
This week.
Tawny,
here's the truth.
You're my best friend.
God damn it.
And I'm sorry
I pushed you away.
I trust you
to catch me.
Not so fast.
Girl I love you so much.
You are my best friend.
You should be the
one that's trusted.
Now catch me.
No, no, no. Okay.
But see, you're more
trustworthy than I am,
so I think
you should catch me.
See, I am more of
the kind of catchy
type. Here I come.
No, no,
you're copying me.
I was falling first.
(BOTH ARGUING)
I'm falling.
Catch me.
Guys, guys, guys
calm down.
Oh, God.
What did you say?
Nothing.
He didn't say anything.
I just said
calm down.
I will not
calm down!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Something happened
to Phil.
TAWNY: Phil?
Phil?
Oh, I feel better.
Phil.
Phil.
Phil.
I think he's dead.
Are you serious?
Are you smiling?
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, dear God. Phil.
What am I going to
do without Phil?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sad.
(LAUGHING)
I'm so, so, so sad.
My beloved husband
is dead.
Pull the plug.
Pull the plug.
He's not plugged
into anything.
Good.
PHE PHE: It's going
to be okay.
Phil! (SOBS)
I thought that
went great.
O-M-G.
What a crazy epi.
Is Phil dead?
I'm still in shock.
We'll talk about it
all coming up on
The Hotwives Cool Down.
Where I'll be joined
by Phil's wife, Tawny,
where she'll talk
about that fateful night.
As well as giving
a live performance
of her song,
I Don't Wanna
Your Drama.
Accompanied
by cellist, Yo Yo Ma.
What a talent.
And we'll also talk
about Yo Yo Ma's
brand new show
about moving in
with his mother,
Yo Yo Mama.
I am obsessed!
Ciao for now.