The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
CRYSTAL: Previously on
Hotwives of Orlando...
Oh, you need
to calm down.
I'm not angry,
I'm full of love!
Amanda!
Amanda. Amanda.
Amanda. Seriously!
This one...
Thank you.
Is this a dildo party?
VERONICA: I think age
is really just a number.
My vagina's young.
VERONICA: Men want to
have sex with me,
women want to watch.
CRYSTAL: God made me perfect,
so amen to big boobies!
AMANDA: Who am I?
I... I don't know.
SHAUNA: I spent
my daughter's college fund
on throw pillows.
PHE PHE:
I am 50 percent heart,
50 percent business
and 200 percent Phe Phe.
TAWNY: I'm more than
just a trophy wife,
I'm also smoking hot.
My baby is turning
five today.
Wait... Six.
My baby is turning five
or six today.
So, I'm throwing her
a small family affair,
nothing crazy,
just a little party.
Ugh! You call this
a tablecloth?
A tablecloth
should shimmer.
This has not one piece
of shimmer in it.
I mean you call yourself
a tablecloth person,
isn't that what
you call yourself?
What is that?
I want these chairs
to be sexy.
I expected sexier chairs.
Put 'em up.
That is not what
I asked for.
(SCOFFS)
You! Why aren't you
in a white shirt?
Can someone move
this fountain?
My daughter's
fifth birthday.
I want her to feel
the sexiest
she's ever felt.
I want her to own
this place and feel like
she owns you.
I'm very disappointed
in your work.
RUTH: Hi. So, uh,
the pony is here.
Hi.
Where did you want him?
(STAMMERING)
What do you mean
by pony?
I ordered a unicorn.
Your website said
I was getting a unicorn.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So how we do that is,
we have these horns,
and I will just glue it
onto his head.
I just need 10 minutes
and then...
No, no, I don't want a...
When we're done we just...
Detachable.
Detachable horn.
No, I don't want you
to glue a horn on the head,
I want a real unicorn.
That's what I was promised.
This is just like the time
the leprechaun wouldn't
give me his gold.
Said he was a "dwarf."
I don't want no horn
glued on a pony.
I want a unicorn,
that's what I paid for!
To get a unicorn.
So, I don't want a pony!
You go back to your boss
and you get me a unicorn,
'cause that's what
I asked for.
Right.
Okay, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
Let me put the pony away...
Thank you.
And I'll bring
the unicorn.
Ah! Thank God.
How does that sound?
Because that's what
I saw on the website.
I saw a big,
beautiful unicorn.
Yes, of course, yes.
Now, does it
shoot a rainbow?
It (BLEEPS) rainbows,
but you're not going to get
on the day,
that won't happen.
Um, yeah, I was, uh,
I competed in
the Beijing Olympics, um,
in dressage and fences
actually, and, uh...
And I broke
my tailbone. So...
Everyone has
to do something, right?
Ahh! Tell them
to get out of my...
Tell these balloons
get out...
Shauna!
Ahh!
What the hell!
You bought a car
for a five year old?
Hey, what! I'm supposed
to keep driving her?
I'm sick of it!
You idiot! Don't you know
they can't even drive
until they're 21?
No, our daughter
is going to drive earlier.
She deserves that.
Okay, what about
this tree house,
you've refurbished it
just for the birthday party?
Well, yeah!
People are going
to go in there,
what they should
think she's...
It has marble floors!
Why do you need marble
floors for a tree house?
Because the tree house
has wood floors.
That's disgusting!
And plumbing?
What, she shouldn't
have a bidet?
Oh, madonna,
you are such a dumbass!
(GASPS) Aw. I love it
when you speak Italian
to me, sexily...
TAWNY: Hi!
Hi!
Hey!
TAWNY: Oh! Hi, baby!
(CHEERING)
BOTH: Muah-muah,
muah-muah.
Aw, thank you
so much for coming...
Ah! I would not miss...
To my daughter's
birthday party.
Sheena's fifth
or sixth birthday
for the world.
It's Shana. It's Shana.
I'm so happy to be here.
Of course,
I would never miss
my goddaughter
Shenise's birthday party.
You're my best friend!
And you're my best friend.
I can't believe
we were ever not friends.
TAWNY: And I don't think
it's weird,
that I brought
my trainer Heath,
with me.
I mean, what if
I had an ab emergency.
We're sisters,
soul mates,
sisters sinners.
(SIGHS)
Being attacked
by a ghost at a seance?
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
(SIGHS) Really makes
a girl realize
what's important in her life.
Like her alive friends,
like Tawny.
Thank God
you're back in my life.
Ah! I love you so much.
You look gorgeous!
No, you look amazing.
Your nostrils!
Aw! Your lip part,
right here, right here...
I wish I had that.
Oh! Your skin has a bit
of bumps under.
I love it!
Oh, God! I just want
to be you sometimes.
I wanna cut you open
and crawl in your skin
and wear you like a suit.
I love you so much.
I brought a little
something for Shana...
Aw...
And all her little
girlfriends.
This is from my new
handbag line.
They are my new
tight little pursies.
(GASPS)
You got these
for the children?
Yes, you're welcome.
Oh!
Look at your
gorgeous pursies.
Muah-muah.
(GASPING)
They retail it for $249
and they are
tight, tight, tight
little pursies.
Oh, God! Did you make
them yourself?
Oh, God, no!
Little girls in China
made them.
They have
the littlest hands.
Thank God for the Chinese
and their tiny fingers,
or we'd have nothing.
And we certainly
wouldn't have
such tight little pursies.
Do you have some
without the little fur?
I'd like one.
Clean.
I have a clean one.
Yes, thank you.
I love your tight
little pursies, Tawny.
Oh...
Tawny knows I support
her business endeavors,
but I think
it's nice that Heath
supports her too.
He knows so much
more about fashion
than I do,
because he's so gay.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Phil, I thought you
were gonna bring
everything in.
This is almost everything.
(SIGHS)
Phil, go back, please.
Phil, grab...
Grab the tight little purse.
Thanks, buddy.
HEATH: When I think about it,
I feel bad for Phil.
Good thing
I don't think too much.
Speaking of new pursies,
where's Veronica?
She was supposed
to be here.
She said she was coming
to my daughter's party.
(SIGHS)
Oh, her dog is sick.
Are you kidding me?
That is no excuse!
I didn't wanna tell you.
This is a birthday party.
It's Shana's fifth or sixth,
and you should be
really upset about that!
Shana is gonna be
so upset.
I gotta go.
She... Oh! Okay.
BOTH: Muah-muah.
Where you going?
I gotta take a nap.
Okay, I understand.
I'm tired.
No, I get it,
you came here,
that's a lot.
It's a lot for me.
Love you, baby.
Love you.
BOTH: Muah-muah.
Say hi to Shana for me.
I will. Thank you.
Let's go, baby.
It's Shauna.
Really?
Your dog is sick?
(SCOFFS)
I could wait to confront her,
because this is
my daughter's special day.
But there was no way
I was gonna do that.
(PHONE RINGING)
VERONICA: Hello?
Veronica?
It's Shauna.
If you didn't want
to come
to Shaina's fifth
or fourth birthday party,
all you had to do
was say so.
Of course, I wanted
to come, darling,
but I couldn't,
because poor Lover is ill.
(SCOFFS)
That is a bull
(BLEEP) excuse.
Your dog is sick?
Excuse me! This is not
a bull (BLEEP) excuse.
You know, have you
ever cared for something
so deeply?
I think I do.
I have children,
remember?
You don't have a dog.
I breastfed my children,
they are my flesh
and blood. I get it.
But they're not dogs!
You will never get it.
I gave birth.
Not to a dog!
You can't understand!
(SCOFFS)
I was really pissed off
at Veronica.
But then I realized,
she's right.
I don't have a dog.
I'm shooting
a commercial
for Prune Juice.
Action.
Florida Prune Juice.
I am Prune Juice.
Is as easy going in,
as it is going out.
My entire life
is going to change.
AMANDA: Today,
I am back on top!
We're gonna need
more make-up!
AMANDA: I'm shooting
a commercial
for Florida Prune Juice.
It's the 30th anniversary
of the campaign,
that I started when
I was a little girl.
Florida Prune Juice.
As easy going in,
as it is going out.
Ah, we're not as popular
as, you know,
Florida Orange Juice
or Florida
Grapefruit Juice,
but we are the 18th
highest rated juice
in Florida,
just behind beef juice.
Okay, you're gonna
have to put that down
for a second. Okay?
Oh!
All right, uh,
on action.
Mom, you pour the juice.
Katy, you drink it
and then you say your line.
You got it?
Absolutely,
thank you so much.
All right. Uh...
And...
Action!
Florida Prune Juice.
Enjoy your Prune Juice,
sweetie.
Cut!
Um, we just keep you,
you just stay up,
don't crouch down.
We'll just do the line.
Okay, so we don't need
the improv.
Is it okay to give
her a note
on her delivery?
No, no.
Cut!
No! We don't do that,
that's weird.
Let's just put it down.
See this.
You pour it like a human being
would pour it,
and then you put it down.
Hmm.
Okay?
Action!
Florida Prune Juice.
It's as easy going in,
as it is...
As it is going out.
No, cut!
No, don't do that!
Okay, let's just,
you know what?
You're just like,
we cast a torso
and you're the torso,
and, but, you can't move.
Like, this side of you
had a stroke
and it can't move...
AMANDA: Okay.
And you just stand
there like that. Okay.
No! No!
Stop it!
AMANDA: Like a
Price is Right model.
It's a local
Prune Juice commercial!
Just keep
your hand there.
(WHISPERING)
You have that. Oh!
Give me some.
Let's just get you over here.
We're just going
to move you over here.
We're just going to
get the line clean.
This is just for coverage,
so you just stay
over here all right?
Sure.
And we just need
the coverage, and
we'll get the line on it.
On three, two, one...
Action!
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Mmm, it was
like no time had passed.
It was so great
to be back.
Florida Prune Juice.
(WHISPERING)
Get out of the chair!
Cut! Cut!
Get her out of there!
We need to get her
out of here.
No, get out!
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
I am not leaving!
AMANDA: And the best part?
I'm in the media again.
Ba-boom!
Pow!
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Old gentile lady,
that's me.
Christ, you're strong!
Prune Juice. Forget it!
Get her out!
O-G-L.
(MUFFLED GROANING)
Somebody get the doors!
After the
Prune Juice incident,
I realized, I really
need to help my sister
Amanda get sober.
I mean, it is my
number one priority.
Well, no, actually
my number one priority
is my husband,
and then the Lord.
And then my
Bible study group
my condo,
my turtle,
my hair extensions.
(SIGHS)
Since Crystal had
way too many other things
to do than help her sister,
I decided to throw
an intervention.
Phe Phe loves a partay!
PHE PHE: Okay,
we can talk about
the food later.
The liquor is the most
important thing.
And what I want
is a gin fountain,
right here.
But, it's gotta be
a safe distance
from the fire eater.
You're going to have
liquor at an
intervention party?
That's tacky.
That's Tallahassee tacky.
What did you say?
I mean, I know
how to throw
an Orlando party!
Uh-uh, no-no,
mmm-mmm!
I was born and raised
in Orlando.
Tallahassee?
Who does he think
he's talking to?
But you don't seem
to know how to throw an
Orlando intervention party.
You've got to class it up.
(CHUCKLING) Oh!
Did you say, "Class it up"?
Class it up.
When I threw
David Caruso's
intervention party,
I had a mime act out
his drug addiction
and all of the grievance
letters were read
by Morgan Freeman.
He was sober
almost three weeks.
Do you know
who you're talking to?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
No, no, no, no.
Do you know,
who you're talking to?
No-no-no-no-no,
do you know
who you're talking to?
No, baby! Do you know
who you're talking to?
Do you know,
who you are talking to?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
Do you know
who you are
speaking with?
Oh!
It turned out,
we did not know
who we were talking to.
But,
after becoming familiar with
each other's resumes...
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh!
Huh!
Ha!
We realized we didn't
want to work
together anyway.
It's been an honor.
Chill.
I feel bad things didn't
work out between
me and Antoine.
But... (SIGHS)
It's hard for me
being around
men right now.
Even gay ones,
because... (SIGHS)
My divorce to Rodney
just went through.
Ah!
(LAUGHING)
I'm just being Phe Phe.
And I had an airtight pre-nup
that hit him where it hurts.
It's not just that
she got 50 percent
of my future earnings.
She got 100 percent
of my Beanie Baby collection.
I love my Beanie Babies.
Damn!
You're mine now, bitch.
BOTH: Hi!
Happy intervention!
BOTH: Oh! Muah-muah!
I've seen the movies.
They get together,
start complaining
about their man.
Okay, all right,
that's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Then they have
a kissing contest
and next thing you know,
they're smashing
their vitals together.
PHE PHE: The theme
for the intervention party
is the roaring '20s,
so everybody can really
get their drink on.
(SIGHING)
(CHUCKLING)
I mean, just because
Amanda can't drink,
doesn't mean
the rest of my guests
have to suffer through
her intervention sober.
Get me a drink.
(GIGGLES)
(INAUDIBLE)
Michael Jackson.
Earthworm Jim.
Graceland.
Video.
It's not charades!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
BOTH: Hi!
Happy intervention!
BOTH: Muah-muah.
You look so good!
Oh, so do you.
Where is Anthony?
Oh, it's... (HUFFS)
Oh, it's a funny story.
He can't be here because he
says you guys are the biggest
(BLEEPS) in the whole world.
Okay, I do not like
your husband's story.
(SNORTS) No, it's better
when he tells it,
he's so much
funnier than I am,
but he hates you guys.
BOTH: Hey!
I thought Tawny and I
were friends again,
because she came to my
daughter's birthday party,
but then,
I couldn't remember
if I was mad at her
for something else?
Am I?
You don't even...
Don't you...
Shauna and I
were friends again,
and then I remembered,
she said I was cheap.
Wait, oh,
that was Veronica.
Honestly, I can't remember
if me and Shauna
are friends right now.
I just didn't want
to get it wrong,
you know.
So in these situations,
silence is
the best medicine.
Phe Phe!
PHE PHE: Oh...
Hi!
Oh!
BOTH: Muah-muah.
I was excited to go
to the intervention,
because I wanted
to introduce the girls
to my new man.
I would like you
to meet my new beau.
This is Billy.
Billy this is Phe Phe.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks for inviting us
to your party, Miss Reed.
It's super fun being out
on a school night.
Oh! I could just
eat him all up.
Oh, I mean
in an oral sex way,
of course.
Oh, thank you,
that will do it.
Can I get you
something to drink?
A soda?
Oh, yes, you know
what else? I think
I've got bendy straws too.
No!
That boy was so young,
I didn't know
whether to offer him
Prosecco or a push pop.
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
(SING SONG)
I'm so good
at being Phe Phe.
Bam.
Hi, sweetie!
Ugh!
Oh! Mmm...
How's Amanda?
I don't know. Oh!
Okay, all right, it's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Hey! Hey! Let's make
some room for
the Holy Ghost, ladies.
Open it up, open it up.
That's it, Indigo Girls.
Let's go, come on, go.
I love you.
I love you.
You're the best.
You mama,
you mama! Ah!
I don't like other women
putting their hands
on my wife.
Lesbianism is a disease
you can catch.
It's a fact, Jack.
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: To Amanda's sobriety!
Chin chin!
What's sobriety?
(IMITATING NEIGHING)
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
(IMITATING NEIGHING)
Whoo! Come on!
Hello!
Amanda!
Well, hello,
hello, hello!
Sorry I'm late,
I had to pick up
my date.
This is Tom.
It's Dan.
Dan!
I picked him up
at McManish Tavern.
He tried to steal
my purse...
Mmm...
And my heart,
and he got both!
(AMANDA LAUGHING)
Where's your bathroom?
The one with the
medicine cabinet?
Um...
I gotta take a (BLEEP).
Okay.
Mmm-hmm.
He is just such
a gentleman.
No.
He'll always tell you
when he has
to take a (BLEEP).
Is he homeless?
Um, I will find out.
That girl has got some
seriously bad taste in men.
Bam! Bein' Phe Phe!
(LAUGHING)
But seriously,
this party is about
helping Amanda
fight her addiction.
A drink-ah!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Unfortunately, I did not
remember what
the party was about,
because I was so drunk,
but, you know, I think
Amanda really got it.
Amanda, what are
you doing?
What's wrong with you?
I'm sorry, Crystal.
(STAMMERING) I'm so ashamed,
I really do wanna change.
This isn't about you!
Uh...
It's not?
What the (BLEEP) is
her problem?
I thought...
I thought this was
my party.
Let's (BLEEP).
(SOBS)
In the butt.
Ah!
Yeah!
I tried, sorry.
(SNIFFLES)
I tried every loving thing,
I could think of,
to save my sister.
I tried berating her,
humiliating her.
I got her really drunk
and filmed her,
for America's Funniest
Home Videos.
Everything!
God! I'm gonna pray
for my sister.
No, do not pray for her.
You've got to save
it for the Lexus. I told you,
Jesus only grants a
finite amount of prayers.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(MOANING)
Oh, wait, wait.
(STUTTERING)
Wait, wait, wait!
(SHUSHING)
What time is it?
What time is it? I don't
want my mom to worry.
Oh, here, here, here.
Just drink this,
all right?
Okay.
Oh, here you go!
Mmm.
Just drink it down.
Shh.
Yup! That is so me!
(AMANDA LAUGHING)
Oh! That's better...
That's better!
TAWNY: Shauna and I have
experienced an intimacy.
We had sex
with each other.
What did she say?
PHE PHE: Overall, I would say
the intervention party
was a huge success.
Except for the
intervention part.
But,
I proved to myself that
I can have a good time
without Rodney,
and that's what
the night was all about.
Mmm...
Don't you ever tell...
She's Shauna.
Put your finger
out of my face.
Put your finger
out of my face!
Ah, you know what,
Shauna, I don't wanna
your drama.
SHAUNA: I don't
want drama.
When I heard Tawny say,
"I don't wanna your drama,"
I was like, damn!
That will make
a good song.
When Phe Phe said,
"I don't wanna your drama"
would be a good song,
I was like, yeah,
but who's gonna
produce it, you?
And she was all...
Yeah, I'm a music producer.
And she was like...
Awesome, let's do it.
And she said...
Yeah!
So we are.
Friends gotta help friends.
And that is why
I helped Amanda.
And now,
she's on the road
to a full recovery.
And that's what
the night was all about.
You're welcome, Amanda.
You're welcome!
Wow! Interventions
are never easy,
but they sure
are fabulous,
and the important thing is,
Amanda looked really pretty.
Shalom, y'all,
it's me Matty G here
and I'll be coming at
you with a very special
Hotwives Cool Down.
Where I'll be joined
by Dr. Sanjay Gupta,
as we talk about addiction
and its effects.
Don't forget to tweet us
your questions
and also pics
of your boobs,
'cause I bet
he's a real tit man.
Holla! And I'll
see you soon
and don't forget
to stick around
for the premiere
of our new show,
Millionaire Trees!
Cheers!
Hotwives of Orlando...
Oh, you need
to calm down.
I'm not angry,
I'm full of love!
Amanda!
Amanda. Amanda.
Amanda. Seriously!
This one...
Thank you.
Is this a dildo party?
VERONICA: I think age
is really just a number.
My vagina's young.
VERONICA: Men want to
have sex with me,
women want to watch.
CRYSTAL: God made me perfect,
so amen to big boobies!
AMANDA: Who am I?
I... I don't know.
SHAUNA: I spent
my daughter's college fund
on throw pillows.
PHE PHE:
I am 50 percent heart,
50 percent business
and 200 percent Phe Phe.
TAWNY: I'm more than
just a trophy wife,
I'm also smoking hot.
My baby is turning
five today.
Wait... Six.
My baby is turning five
or six today.
So, I'm throwing her
a small family affair,
nothing crazy,
just a little party.
Ugh! You call this
a tablecloth?
A tablecloth
should shimmer.
This has not one piece
of shimmer in it.
I mean you call yourself
a tablecloth person,
isn't that what
you call yourself?
What is that?
I want these chairs
to be sexy.
I expected sexier chairs.
Put 'em up.
That is not what
I asked for.
(SCOFFS)
You! Why aren't you
in a white shirt?
Can someone move
this fountain?
My daughter's
fifth birthday.
I want her to feel
the sexiest
she's ever felt.
I want her to own
this place and feel like
she owns you.
I'm very disappointed
in your work.
RUTH: Hi. So, uh,
the pony is here.
Hi.
Where did you want him?
(STAMMERING)
What do you mean
by pony?
I ordered a unicorn.
Your website said
I was getting a unicorn.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So how we do that is,
we have these horns,
and I will just glue it
onto his head.
I just need 10 minutes
and then...
No, no, I don't want a...
When we're done we just...
Detachable.
Detachable horn.
No, I don't want you
to glue a horn on the head,
I want a real unicorn.
That's what I was promised.
This is just like the time
the leprechaun wouldn't
give me his gold.
Said he was a "dwarf."
I don't want no horn
glued on a pony.
I want a unicorn,
that's what I paid for!
To get a unicorn.
So, I don't want a pony!
You go back to your boss
and you get me a unicorn,
'cause that's what
I asked for.
Right.
Okay, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
Let me put the pony away...
Thank you.
And I'll bring
the unicorn.
Ah! Thank God.
How does that sound?
Because that's what
I saw on the website.
I saw a big,
beautiful unicorn.
Yes, of course, yes.
Now, does it
shoot a rainbow?
It (BLEEPS) rainbows,
but you're not going to get
on the day,
that won't happen.
Um, yeah, I was, uh,
I competed in
the Beijing Olympics, um,
in dressage and fences
actually, and, uh...
And I broke
my tailbone. So...
Everyone has
to do something, right?
Ahh! Tell them
to get out of my...
Tell these balloons
get out...
Shauna!
Ahh!
What the hell!
You bought a car
for a five year old?
Hey, what! I'm supposed
to keep driving her?
I'm sick of it!
You idiot! Don't you know
they can't even drive
until they're 21?
No, our daughter
is going to drive earlier.
She deserves that.
Okay, what about
this tree house,
you've refurbished it
just for the birthday party?
Well, yeah!
People are going
to go in there,
what they should
think she's...
It has marble floors!
Why do you need marble
floors for a tree house?
Because the tree house
has wood floors.
That's disgusting!
And plumbing?
What, she shouldn't
have a bidet?
Oh, madonna,
you are such a dumbass!
(GASPS) Aw. I love it
when you speak Italian
to me, sexily...
TAWNY: Hi!
Hi!
Hey!
TAWNY: Oh! Hi, baby!
(CHEERING)
BOTH: Muah-muah,
muah-muah.
Aw, thank you
so much for coming...
Ah! I would not miss...
To my daughter's
birthday party.
Sheena's fifth
or sixth birthday
for the world.
It's Shana. It's Shana.
I'm so happy to be here.
Of course,
I would never miss
my goddaughter
Shenise's birthday party.
You're my best friend!
And you're my best friend.
I can't believe
we were ever not friends.
TAWNY: And I don't think
it's weird,
that I brought
my trainer Heath,
with me.
I mean, what if
I had an ab emergency.
We're sisters,
soul mates,
sisters sinners.
(SIGHS)
Being attacked
by a ghost at a seance?
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
(SIGHS) Really makes
a girl realize
what's important in her life.
Like her alive friends,
like Tawny.
Thank God
you're back in my life.
Ah! I love you so much.
You look gorgeous!
No, you look amazing.
Your nostrils!
Aw! Your lip part,
right here, right here...
I wish I had that.
Oh! Your skin has a bit
of bumps under.
I love it!
Oh, God! I just want
to be you sometimes.
I wanna cut you open
and crawl in your skin
and wear you like a suit.
I love you so much.
I brought a little
something for Shana...
Aw...
And all her little
girlfriends.
This is from my new
handbag line.
They are my new
tight little pursies.
(GASPS)
You got these
for the children?
Yes, you're welcome.
Oh!
Look at your
gorgeous pursies.
Muah-muah.
(GASPING)
They retail it for $249
and they are
tight, tight, tight
little pursies.
Oh, God! Did you make
them yourself?
Oh, God, no!
Little girls in China
made them.
They have
the littlest hands.
Thank God for the Chinese
and their tiny fingers,
or we'd have nothing.
And we certainly
wouldn't have
such tight little pursies.
Do you have some
without the little fur?
I'd like one.
Clean.
I have a clean one.
Yes, thank you.
I love your tight
little pursies, Tawny.
Oh...
Tawny knows I support
her business endeavors,
but I think
it's nice that Heath
supports her too.
He knows so much
more about fashion
than I do,
because he's so gay.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Phil, I thought you
were gonna bring
everything in.
This is almost everything.
(SIGHS)
Phil, go back, please.
Phil, grab...
Grab the tight little purse.
Thanks, buddy.
HEATH: When I think about it,
I feel bad for Phil.
Good thing
I don't think too much.
Speaking of new pursies,
where's Veronica?
She was supposed
to be here.
She said she was coming
to my daughter's party.
(SIGHS)
Oh, her dog is sick.
Are you kidding me?
That is no excuse!
I didn't wanna tell you.
This is a birthday party.
It's Shana's fifth or sixth,
and you should be
really upset about that!
Shana is gonna be
so upset.
I gotta go.
She... Oh! Okay.
BOTH: Muah-muah.
Where you going?
I gotta take a nap.
Okay, I understand.
I'm tired.
No, I get it,
you came here,
that's a lot.
It's a lot for me.
Love you, baby.
Love you.
BOTH: Muah-muah.
Say hi to Shana for me.
I will. Thank you.
Let's go, baby.
It's Shauna.
Really?
Your dog is sick?
(SCOFFS)
I could wait to confront her,
because this is
my daughter's special day.
But there was no way
I was gonna do that.
(PHONE RINGING)
VERONICA: Hello?
Veronica?
It's Shauna.
If you didn't want
to come
to Shaina's fifth
or fourth birthday party,
all you had to do
was say so.
Of course, I wanted
to come, darling,
but I couldn't,
because poor Lover is ill.
(SCOFFS)
That is a bull
(BLEEP) excuse.
Your dog is sick?
Excuse me! This is not
a bull (BLEEP) excuse.
You know, have you
ever cared for something
so deeply?
I think I do.
I have children,
remember?
You don't have a dog.
I breastfed my children,
they are my flesh
and blood. I get it.
But they're not dogs!
You will never get it.
I gave birth.
Not to a dog!
You can't understand!
(SCOFFS)
I was really pissed off
at Veronica.
But then I realized,
she's right.
I don't have a dog.
I'm shooting
a commercial
for Prune Juice.
Action.
Florida Prune Juice.
I am Prune Juice.
Is as easy going in,
as it is going out.
My entire life
is going to change.
AMANDA: Today,
I am back on top!
We're gonna need
more make-up!
AMANDA: I'm shooting
a commercial
for Florida Prune Juice.
It's the 30th anniversary
of the campaign,
that I started when
I was a little girl.
Florida Prune Juice.
As easy going in,
as it is going out.
Ah, we're not as popular
as, you know,
Florida Orange Juice
or Florida
Grapefruit Juice,
but we are the 18th
highest rated juice
in Florida,
just behind beef juice.
Okay, you're gonna
have to put that down
for a second. Okay?
Oh!
All right, uh,
on action.
Mom, you pour the juice.
Katy, you drink it
and then you say your line.
You got it?
Absolutely,
thank you so much.
All right. Uh...
And...
Action!
Florida Prune Juice.
Enjoy your Prune Juice,
sweetie.
Cut!
Um, we just keep you,
you just stay up,
don't crouch down.
We'll just do the line.
Okay, so we don't need
the improv.
Is it okay to give
her a note
on her delivery?
No, no.
Cut!
No! We don't do that,
that's weird.
Let's just put it down.
See this.
You pour it like a human being
would pour it,
and then you put it down.
Hmm.
Okay?
Action!
Florida Prune Juice.
It's as easy going in,
as it is...
As it is going out.
No, cut!
No, don't do that!
Okay, let's just,
you know what?
You're just like,
we cast a torso
and you're the torso,
and, but, you can't move.
Like, this side of you
had a stroke
and it can't move...
AMANDA: Okay.
And you just stand
there like that. Okay.
No! No!
Stop it!
AMANDA: Like a
Price is Right model.
It's a local
Prune Juice commercial!
Just keep
your hand there.
(WHISPERING)
You have that. Oh!
Give me some.
Let's just get you over here.
We're just going
to move you over here.
We're just going to
get the line clean.
This is just for coverage,
so you just stay
over here all right?
Sure.
And we just need
the coverage, and
we'll get the line on it.
On three, two, one...
Action!
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Mmm, it was
like no time had passed.
It was so great
to be back.
Florida Prune Juice.
(WHISPERING)
Get out of the chair!
Cut! Cut!
Get her out of there!
We need to get her
out of here.
No, get out!
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
I am not leaving!
AMANDA: And the best part?
I'm in the media again.
Ba-boom!
Pow!
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Old gentile lady,
that's me.
Christ, you're strong!
Prune Juice. Forget it!
Get her out!
O-G-L.
(MUFFLED GROANING)
Somebody get the doors!
After the
Prune Juice incident,
I realized, I really
need to help my sister
Amanda get sober.
I mean, it is my
number one priority.
Well, no, actually
my number one priority
is my husband,
and then the Lord.
And then my
Bible study group
my condo,
my turtle,
my hair extensions.
(SIGHS)
Since Crystal had
way too many other things
to do than help her sister,
I decided to throw
an intervention.
Phe Phe loves a partay!
PHE PHE: Okay,
we can talk about
the food later.
The liquor is the most
important thing.
And what I want
is a gin fountain,
right here.
But, it's gotta be
a safe distance
from the fire eater.
You're going to have
liquor at an
intervention party?
That's tacky.
That's Tallahassee tacky.
What did you say?
I mean, I know
how to throw
an Orlando party!
Uh-uh, no-no,
mmm-mmm!
I was born and raised
in Orlando.
Tallahassee?
Who does he think
he's talking to?
But you don't seem
to know how to throw an
Orlando intervention party.
You've got to class it up.
(CHUCKLING) Oh!
Did you say, "Class it up"?
Class it up.
When I threw
David Caruso's
intervention party,
I had a mime act out
his drug addiction
and all of the grievance
letters were read
by Morgan Freeman.
He was sober
almost three weeks.
Do you know
who you're talking to?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
No, no, no, no.
Do you know,
who you're talking to?
No-no-no-no-no,
do you know
who you're talking to?
No, baby! Do you know
who you're talking to?
Do you know,
who you are talking to?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
Do you know
who you are
speaking with?
Oh!
It turned out,
we did not know
who we were talking to.
But,
after becoming familiar with
each other's resumes...
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh!
Huh!
Ha!
We realized we didn't
want to work
together anyway.
It's been an honor.
Chill.
I feel bad things didn't
work out between
me and Antoine.
But... (SIGHS)
It's hard for me
being around
men right now.
Even gay ones,
because... (SIGHS)
My divorce to Rodney
just went through.
Ah!
(LAUGHING)
I'm just being Phe Phe.
And I had an airtight pre-nup
that hit him where it hurts.
It's not just that
she got 50 percent
of my future earnings.
She got 100 percent
of my Beanie Baby collection.
I love my Beanie Babies.
Damn!
You're mine now, bitch.
BOTH: Hi!
Happy intervention!
BOTH: Oh! Muah-muah!
I've seen the movies.
They get together,
start complaining
about their man.
Okay, all right,
that's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Then they have
a kissing contest
and next thing you know,
they're smashing
their vitals together.
PHE PHE: The theme
for the intervention party
is the roaring '20s,
so everybody can really
get their drink on.
(SIGHING)
(CHUCKLING)
I mean, just because
Amanda can't drink,
doesn't mean
the rest of my guests
have to suffer through
her intervention sober.
Get me a drink.
(GIGGLES)
(INAUDIBLE)
Michael Jackson.
Earthworm Jim.
Graceland.
Video.
It's not charades!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
BOTH: Hi!
Happy intervention!
BOTH: Muah-muah.
You look so good!
Oh, so do you.
Where is Anthony?
Oh, it's... (HUFFS)
Oh, it's a funny story.
He can't be here because he
says you guys are the biggest
(BLEEPS) in the whole world.
Okay, I do not like
your husband's story.
(SNORTS) No, it's better
when he tells it,
he's so much
funnier than I am,
but he hates you guys.
BOTH: Hey!
I thought Tawny and I
were friends again,
because she came to my
daughter's birthday party,
but then,
I couldn't remember
if I was mad at her
for something else?
Am I?
You don't even...
Don't you...
Shauna and I
were friends again,
and then I remembered,
she said I was cheap.
Wait, oh,
that was Veronica.
Honestly, I can't remember
if me and Shauna
are friends right now.
I just didn't want
to get it wrong,
you know.
So in these situations,
silence is
the best medicine.
Phe Phe!
PHE PHE: Oh...
Hi!
Oh!
BOTH: Muah-muah.
I was excited to go
to the intervention,
because I wanted
to introduce the girls
to my new man.
I would like you
to meet my new beau.
This is Billy.
Billy this is Phe Phe.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks for inviting us
to your party, Miss Reed.
It's super fun being out
on a school night.
Oh! I could just
eat him all up.
Oh, I mean
in an oral sex way,
of course.
Oh, thank you,
that will do it.
Can I get you
something to drink?
A soda?
Oh, yes, you know
what else? I think
I've got bendy straws too.
No!
That boy was so young,
I didn't know
whether to offer him
Prosecco or a push pop.
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
(SING SONG)
I'm so good
at being Phe Phe.
Bam.
Hi, sweetie!
Ugh!
Oh! Mmm...
How's Amanda?
I don't know. Oh!
Okay, all right, it's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Hey! Hey! Let's make
some room for
the Holy Ghost, ladies.
Open it up, open it up.
That's it, Indigo Girls.
Let's go, come on, go.
I love you.
I love you.
You're the best.
You mama,
you mama! Ah!
I don't like other women
putting their hands
on my wife.
Lesbianism is a disease
you can catch.
It's a fact, Jack.
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: To Amanda's sobriety!
Chin chin!
What's sobriety?
(IMITATING NEIGHING)
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
(IMITATING NEIGHING)
Whoo! Come on!
Hello!
Amanda!
Well, hello,
hello, hello!
Sorry I'm late,
I had to pick up
my date.
This is Tom.
It's Dan.
Dan!
I picked him up
at McManish Tavern.
He tried to steal
my purse...
Mmm...
And my heart,
and he got both!
(AMANDA LAUGHING)
Where's your bathroom?
The one with the
medicine cabinet?
Um...
I gotta take a (BLEEP).
Okay.
Mmm-hmm.
He is just such
a gentleman.
No.
He'll always tell you
when he has
to take a (BLEEP).
Is he homeless?
Um, I will find out.
That girl has got some
seriously bad taste in men.
Bam! Bein' Phe Phe!
(LAUGHING)
But seriously,
this party is about
helping Amanda
fight her addiction.
A drink-ah!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Unfortunately, I did not
remember what
the party was about,
because I was so drunk,
but, you know, I think
Amanda really got it.
Amanda, what are
you doing?
What's wrong with you?
I'm sorry, Crystal.
(STAMMERING) I'm so ashamed,
I really do wanna change.
This isn't about you!
Uh...
It's not?
What the (BLEEP) is
her problem?
I thought...
I thought this was
my party.
Let's (BLEEP).
(SOBS)
In the butt.
Ah!
Yeah!
I tried, sorry.
(SNIFFLES)
I tried every loving thing,
I could think of,
to save my sister.
I tried berating her,
humiliating her.
I got her really drunk
and filmed her,
for America's Funniest
Home Videos.
Everything!
God! I'm gonna pray
for my sister.
No, do not pray for her.
You've got to save
it for the Lexus. I told you,
Jesus only grants a
finite amount of prayers.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(MOANING)
Oh, wait, wait.
(STUTTERING)
Wait, wait, wait!
(SHUSHING)
What time is it?
What time is it? I don't
want my mom to worry.
Oh, here, here, here.
Just drink this,
all right?
Okay.
Oh, here you go!
Mmm.
Just drink it down.
Shh.
Yup! That is so me!
(AMANDA LAUGHING)
Oh! That's better...
That's better!
TAWNY: Shauna and I have
experienced an intimacy.
We had sex
with each other.
What did she say?
PHE PHE: Overall, I would say
the intervention party
was a huge success.
Except for the
intervention part.
But,
I proved to myself that
I can have a good time
without Rodney,
and that's what
the night was all about.
Mmm...
Don't you ever tell...
She's Shauna.
Put your finger
out of my face.
Put your finger
out of my face!
Ah, you know what,
Shauna, I don't wanna
your drama.
SHAUNA: I don't
want drama.
When I heard Tawny say,
"I don't wanna your drama,"
I was like, damn!
That will make
a good song.
When Phe Phe said,
"I don't wanna your drama"
would be a good song,
I was like, yeah,
but who's gonna
produce it, you?
And she was all...
Yeah, I'm a music producer.
And she was like...
Awesome, let's do it.
And she said...
Yeah!
So we are.
Friends gotta help friends.
And that is why
I helped Amanda.
And now,
she's on the road
to a full recovery.
And that's what
the night was all about.
You're welcome, Amanda.
You're welcome!
Wow! Interventions
are never easy,
but they sure
are fabulous,
and the important thing is,
Amanda looked really pretty.
Shalom, y'all,
it's me Matty G here
and I'll be coming at
you with a very special
Hotwives Cool Down.
Where I'll be joined
by Dr. Sanjay Gupta,
as we talk about addiction
and its effects.
Don't forget to tweet us
your questions
and also pics
of your boobs,
'cause I bet
he's a real tit man.
Holla! And I'll
see you soon
and don't forget
to stick around
for the premiere
of our new show,
Millionaire Trees!
Cheers!