The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Say You, Séance - full transcript
PHE PHE: Previously o n
Hotwives of Orlando...
We are going to have
prostitution lessons.
Shauna is a little
competitive with me.
You know
I'm a better whore!
Let's have a whore-off.
Shauna is my best friend.
She tried to kill me once.
Kill her! Kill her!
So I know I'm in.
My therapist says
that I have some issues
with every
level of existing.
Aargh!
Amanda
was born without...
Like a soul?
VERONICA:
You don't have to be
Mr. Right to get with me.
You just
have to not have chlamydia.
CRYSTAL:
Every little girl dreams
of ending up in Orlando.
I'm living a fairy tale!
AMANDA:
Showbiz is in my blood.
As is heroin.
SHAUNA:
"Sugar and spice
and everything nice,"
is not how I would
describe myself.
(WHISPERING)
Phe Phe.
TAWNY:
Whoever said love is blind,
never saw my husband.
TAWNY: I've been feeling a lot
of things since the Pimps
and Hoes party
the other night.
All right,
I can do this.
Watch and learn,
big girls, watch and learn.
Mostly, I've been feeling
a burning sensation
when I urinate,
but also, the fact that Shauna
and I's friendship
is, like, really over.
Are you calling me
not a whore?
Some women are
prostitute material
and some just aren't.
(GASPS)
And that's why I asked her
to meet with me.
Hi!
You look pretty!
Oh, my, my!
I love all of this,
you look so gorgeous.
Thank you. It's the tan.
Listen, so I called you
here today to tell you that
we are no longer friends.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
That's strange,
because I wanted
to meet with you today,
to tell you, that I
don't wanna be friends
with you anymore.
I've been thinking since
last week,
that I didn't want to be
friends with Tawny.
But then she has to go
and copy me and say
what I was gonna say.
It's like, get your own thing.
Let's get some apps.
I was thinking
a little sashime.
Perfect.
And then we can really
get into details about...
Because I don't want
to be friends with you
anymore and I feel like
it's imperative that we
really get into
this because...
My treat.
No, no, no, I don't want
to be friends with you,
so I should pay.
No, no, no.
Let me do the tip.
Okay.
Because we are, not friends.
No.
This is going to be so great.
We'll still hang out
all the time.
All the time.
We're just not friends.
(SING SONGY)
What are you doing?
(ALL SHRIEKING)
What are you doing here?
Hi, baby.
Other cheek...
No the other cheek.
Hi, baby.
Hi.
Hi, doll.
(ALL AIR-KISSING)
Great to see you.
Oh, you look gorgeous.
TAWNY: Hi!
Hi.
(CHUCKLING)
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we came here today to
talk about how we're not going
to be friends anymore.
BOTH: Oh, my God!
We're no longer friends!
Yeah, not anymore.
But we're still going to
be sisters, no matter what.
Obviously, Amanda.
(MUMBLING) Blood, water.
Why do I have to always
smooth over all these
social situations for you?
You don't have to do
anything, I'm fine.
Crystal!
Hmm?
You know I don't want
to step on any toes but,
I know you and I were going
to meet on Tuesday
and discuss not being friends
but, Shauna, if you don't mind
maybe we could do it now.
No, it's fine. No, no.
Kinda work her in.
That would be great,
let's do it.
I have to say, you know what,
we got to get this out
of the way first,
because I don't want to
spend one more minute
being friends with you.
Not another second.
And then you guys can talk
and then maybe we could
talk about it,
because I don't know
you very well, but I already
know I don't like you.
Sure.
So I would like to talk,
about not being friends
right off the bat
because I don't even want
you to think we're
even slightly...
Oh! Not even.
And we're still all going
to hang out all the time.
CRYSTAL: Yeah!
But I just want you
to know that
I don't wanna be friends.
I think that's most
important thing.
Understood. Thank you.
I agree completely.
I was worried that I
was going to be bored
losing all of my friends.
But now I'm going
to be so busy not
being friends with them.
Oh, my God!
My Tuesday/Thursday is redic.
ALL: (LAUGHING)
Cheers!
Let's make a schedule.
So first, Shauna and I
will break up as friends,
then we're gonna
do Crystal and Amanda
and then we do swap-a-roo.
Yeah. Just like
a round robin.
Love that.
Hey!
ALL: Phe Phe!
(ALL AIR KISSING)
TAWNY: Hi! I love
that pink on you.
Okay. I came here
to tell y'all,
that I don't want
to be friends with
any of you bitches.
You wanna... We could
work you in now because
I definitely
don't want to be friends
with you much longer.
I think we have to put her in.
Put her in!
Before you fit anybody
into any schedule, you
better leave some room...
Shauna, you and I
are no longer friends.
Yeah, Alli, I don't care
enough about you to not wanna
be friends, so thank you.
(SNORTS)
Slam.
Okay.
Oh, that's fine.
Because, Phe Phe, you
and I are no longer friends.
(CRUNCHES LOUDLY)
Who are you?
(SIGHING)
Who can I not be
friends with?
Waiter! You and I
are no longer friends.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
Boy, I just did not
see that coming.
I mean, I keep playing it over
and over in my mind,
is there something
I could have done differently?
I mean, I sat her next
to those women,
like she asked.
Have you been sitting
here the whole time?
Yes.
That's sad. And I've
never thought
that about anyone else.
I don't know,
I'm really gonna miss her,
whoever she is.
This is really a nice time.
I don't like you guys.
AMANDA AND CRYSTAL:
I know,
I don't like you either.
ALL: Cheers!
To not being friends.
Get the hell
out of here, bitch!
Can I get anyone
something to drink?
And the Lord said, "Let
there be shots."
Nothing mellows us out
like tequila.
Oh, Jesus!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God!
You know, I was a little upset
that no one asked me to
not be friends anymore.
I thought, I was close
enough to these girls,
that they would
not want to be my friend.
But that quickly dissipated
when Phe Phe called me crying,
and I told her to meet me
at my favorite little place.
Hi, darling.
Hi, honey.
Aw!
Aw!
(AIR KISSING)
I needed to talk to someone.
All right, what's going on?
Well...
I think I might have
to leave Rodney.
What? Oh, my God!
Hmm.
There's been a lot of
rumors going around that
Rodney is cheating on me.
I spread rumors about Rodney
cheating on Phe Phe,
because I thought
she'd want to know.
And gossip seemed like
the best way to get
that information to her.
I'm her friend, that's
what friends do.
Tell me everything,
this is a safe place.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and ladies.
Welcome to Tools
and Tapas.
Now here come some gentlemen
who want to hammer away
at you all night long!
It's not just the cheating
rumors you know,
every wife of an athlete
has to deal with those.
It's a... I don't know.
I feel like we
have drifted apart.
It's so hard in a marriage
when you feel separate
from your partner.
It can be very, very lonely.
I mean, it's like, he cares
more about the team,
than he cares about me!
Well, have you told him that?
Because that is my
biggest regret.
Is that I wish
I had just told my ex
how hurt I was,
instead of being so
focused on hurting him.
I know what you're saying,
girl, I know what
you're saying.
But I just feel like,
you know, it's too late
for all that.
It's, like,
the trust is gone.
Darling, it's very
difficult in a marriage to
rebuild your trust.
Oh! You know, that's just
something that takes
years to really get back,
when you've lost that,
you know?
You're so right.
Just listen to your heart.
I was trying to listen
with my heart,
but that was hard to do
with a (BLEEP) my ear.
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend!
I feel so close to you.
I've never felt closer
to anybody than right now!
Helping Phe Phe made me feel
all warm inside.
Or maybe it was getting
doubled teamed by a pair
of strippers, I don't know.
But I was thinking,
it was time for all the girls
to just be friends again.
So I planned a little
get-together.
Hi!
Veronica and I
are not officially
not friends yet,
so I decided I would accept
her invitation to dinner,
but after dessert, we're done!
You look good.
Thank you. You look very nice.
Phe Phe.
Oh! Hi!
I really worked up
an appetite
at the strip club,
so I figured I'd go to
Veronica's dinner,
even if all those
other bitches were
coming too.
Where's Tawny?
Not that I care.
She couldn't be here.
She had to meet with a friend
of a friend to let them
know they are
no longer friends.
Can I get anyone
something to drink?
Oh, yes, yes.
VERONICA: Oh, hi, Amanda!
Oh, hi.
Hi.
When Veronica
invited me to hang out
with the other girls,
I wasn't sure I
wanted to go...
Oh, you look lovely!
You look good.
Okay.
Then I blacked out and I woke
up and I was already there.
So, I decided to go.
I think you're going
to sit there.
Are you all right?
Whoa.
Are these our
places, is this...
Yes.
You can tell a lot
about a host by
where they seat you.
So what Veronica
is saying to me is,
"I think you're
a garbage person."
I can't stay long,
just so you know. I'm not
planning on staying long.
I also got the men together,
because when the ladies
aren't getting along,
the men really suffer too.
You know guys, frankly,
I don't appreciate
your wives won't be friends
with my wife,
because that means I have to
spend more time with her.
Yeah, well you know
what I don't like?
I don't like that one of
your wives told Phe Phe
about my alleged
cheating, allegedly.
Well, someone's telling Phil
that I've been sleeping
with Tawny.
No one told me that.
Look, you know
what, I'm over it.
I don't give a (BLEEP).
Let's go play some pool.
Yeah!
It's fun, right?
I really, I don't think
I should sit here.
I think I should sit,
either there or there.
Can you please
make special accommodations
for Shauna, please.
Crystal's here.
Hi!
Hi!
Oh! Alli, I didn't know
you were coming too.
I brought my friend Alli
with me because I thought
she'd help smooth things over.
She's good like that.
Don't worry, Veronica.
I'm just here
to support Crystal.
I'm not here to tell everyone
you're dating your pool guy.
What?
Yes, it's true.
I am dating
my pool boy, Billy.
He really knows
how to float my boat.
You get it? You know,
check my temperature.
Clean my filter,
check it for leaves
and bugs.
I don't think
that last one had
anything sexual, actually.
Okay, everyone just relax.
He's just cleaning pools
to put himself
through high school.
Yeah, I get that.
I understand.
Hey, Crystal, I missed you.
Fine, fine. Stop.
I missed you.
All right! Ladies, the reason
that I brought you all here
tonight,
is because I think
it's time for us to all
be friends again.
Yes, you're so right.
I've some really great news
that I wanted to share
with my friends.
What?
So this morning
I made my weather girl debut
on Early Morning Orlando!
Wow!
Congratulations!
That's great!
Being a weather girl
is my dream job.
And since God controls
the weather,
it's like I get to be
his personal spokesperson.
On TV!
There's a big storm front
headed for New Orleans.
I guess you didn't
learn your lesson last time
about God's wrath
about your debauchery.
More snow in Vermont.
Sorry, homosexuals!
Ooh, in Vegas, a drought,
you hookers!
All right, here in
Orlando it's beautiful
as always.
Thank you God, Yahweh,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Back at you, Jack.
I'm so happy for you.
It's so funny because they had
offered me that job first,
and I turned it down,
but I, I'm glad you took it.
That's so cute.
Yeah. They offered it
to me too, but I just did
not want to do that.
Well, they actually offered
that same position to me, and
I was completely available,
but I was like,
I would never do that.
Yeah. I'm so happy that
you, that you did.
Yeah. I mean you're
perfect for that.
How come I didn't
get the offer?
Amanda.
Why can't you just be
happy for your sister
like everyone else is?
Thank you!
I am.
It's so selfish.
It really is.
Well, you started this.
I didn't start this.
You did.
I was just saying that I
was offered the job
and I didn't want to take it
and I'm glad she did.
That means you
just started it.
Phe Phe thinks
you started this.
I heard what she said, I'm
standing right next to her.
Phe Phe, Shauna's
standing right next to you.
I recognize that.
Why did Alli have to start
all that drama by telling
Phe Phe that I was
standing right next to her?
Don't yell at her.
Then I'll yell at you.
I feared something like
this might happen
if we got together.
I was pretty sure
the men probably
weren't faring well either.
Can I hear from this section!
(WHOOPING)
And the Lord said,
"Let there be shots."
You know what? F women!
Oh!
Yeah!
Ah! What's real?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
I grew up in
a rattlesnake church.
I'll rip your eyes outta your
mouth and shove them
up your ass (BLEEP),
till you (BLEEP) them out.
All right ladies, if you
won't speak to each other,
maybe you'd talk to the dead.
Uh...
I don't get it.
I invited my friend
Calliope DeBeaute,
to join us.
She's a medium,
she talks to the dead.
(ALL GASPING)
Actually, I'm what's known
as a ghost shouter.
I have the ability
to yell at the dead.
ALL: Wow.
It's amazing.
There's a TV show
based on my life,
you've probably seen it,
The Ghost Shouter.
Who's in it?
There's someone who's playing
me as the ghost shouter.
She's not as pretty,
but she's good.
Get out of here ghost,
you're annoying!
Go away, nobody
wants you here!
You're dumb,
stupid, stupid ghost!
We hate you!
(AIR WHOOSHING)
Your house is clear now.
I'll get you all DVDs,
I think you'd all
really like it.
This party is terrible.
The only thing that makes
it better is that
I know Rodney is probably
having a worse time
with the husbands.
You guys are the best.
I love each
and every one of you.
I feel like people talk
about love...
This is real love.
Not like, romance love,
which seems shallow.
Yep.
I just feel very included.
I'm just sorry all y'all
are going to hell,
'cause I'm really enjoying
hanging out with you.
Cool.
Calliope really gave
everyone someone to hate
besides each other.
So, Calliope, we're
all pretty fascinated
by what you do.
Of course you are,
I'm fascinating.
I mean, to talk to
ghosts, it's so exciting.
Yeah. I know.
I don't talk to ghosts,
I shout at them.
There is a difference,
get it right.
I mean, Calliope has shouted
at some of the most
important historical figures
like Abraham Lincoln...
CRYSTAL: Wow!
Aaron Spelling.
(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God!
So she shouts at people
who are not there.
In my world, we have a name
for people like that.
Crazy!
Damn! That was so Phe Phe.
Wait a minute, can you see
like dead people that
have died recently?
'Cause I didn't hit that
homeless guy. He ran
into my car, just so you know.
You guys are
all really annoying.
I mean, is the only
thing we're going to
talk about tonight
the fact that I
can talk to dead people?
Are your lives that boring?
Oh, wait! A dead
person just told me,
"Yes, they are!"
I felt bad for Calliope.
I invited her there,
because she could talk
to the dead, and then
that's what everybody
wanted her to do.
It's like, inviting a magician
to your party and
expecting him to do tricks.
Sometimes they just
want to hang out.
You know. Why can't we
just change the subject
everybody?
I'm sorry, Calliope.
(LAUGHS)
What's so... What's so funny?
I don't get it.
Nothing. I just know how
and when each and every
one of you is going to die.
AMANDA: Am I going to
choke on this bread?
Take another bite.
No. No.
Wait! We're gonna die?
You wanna know how they die?
Car accident, cancer,
cancer and a car accident.
Smoking, drugs,
violence at home.
Are we done?
All right everybody,
I've got tequila!
(CHEERING)
It was alcohol time,
because nothing mellows
us out like tequila.
Oh, Amanda, Amanda. Amanda.
Give it here.
Oh, you want one.
You want one?
Hmm.
Um, Calliope...
As a friend, I just
wanted to tell you that,
everyone is saying that
they like the show
the Ghost Whisperer
so much more than
The Ghost Shouter.
What?
Are you upset?
Oh, my gosh, that was
so not my intention!
I mean, the ghosts can't
even hear what
she's saying,
they've told me so.
No, no, they are not right!
Hey, excuse me, please take
that back, take it back!
Who's she talking to?
No idea.
Excuse you? Excuse you. My
breasts are so much better
than Jennifer Love Hewitt's.
Uh! You're dead, you
don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, (BLEEP), we've got
some ghosts up in here!
I can see 'em,
I can see 'em.
Yeah,
I think I saw a ghost too.
Or it could be the horse
tranquilizer I took.
I can hear the ghost,
I can feel the ghost...
Okay, Amanda.
I can taste the ghost.
Hey, hey! Back off,
what do you know,
you're homeless!
Oh, my God! He's here.
I did nothing to you. You
ran out in front of my car.
It's not my fault
that I was drinking!
(GASPS)
What?
Get your finger
out of my face.
Hey, don't you tell
me to calm down,
you calm down.
This is bull (BLEEP).
I do not believe it.
Mmm-mmm.
(AIR WHOOSHING)
What was that?
Oh, my...
Oh, I know that ghost
did not just tug on my weave!
You do not touch
a girl's hair, I will
slap a dead bitch.
All right, I'm
getting out of here.
Oh, Jesus!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God.
Watch out!
I will kill you again!
Ah!
(ALL YELLING)
By the power of the Lord,
I cast you out.
(BLEEP) got real up
in that seance,
that ghost was a dick.
(MOANING)
(SCREAMING)
Get the (BLEEP) out.
No one wants you here!
Get the (BLEEP) out!
Your house is now clear.
Oh, my God,
that was so scary!
Oh, my God!
That was so scary!
Oh, God,
thank goodness.
Oh, my goodness,
I'm so sorry.
I should never have...
You guys, I'm so sorry.
I want to be friends
with all of you again.
Oh, my God! Yes, please!
Let's schedule a time
to talk about how we're going
to be friends again.
Yes. Amanda, I'm so sorry
I said such horrible things
behind your back.
Oh, you guys,
we really got through
something together.
Alli, could you just get
that thing for me over there?
What thing?
There's nothing like a nice
girl's night to get
friends talking again.
ANNOUNCER: For the first time ,
get unprecedented
insider access to
network television's
third most popular
hour-long ghost-based
crime procedural.
I actually didn't know
my character was based
on a real person.
Wow!
Am I prettier than her?
ANNOUNCER: Learn behind the
scenes facts that will blow
your mind.
You know, I've never
even watched my show. I don't
even know what it's about.
I mean I think it's
about me being a mom
who's always yelling at my
kooky husband or something.
I think.
ANNOUNCER: And learn if this
role has made her a believer.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I'm not an idiot. (SCOFFS)
It's the Bigfoots
you have to watch out for.
Ooh! That was an extra creepy
episode of Hotwives.
That ghost is a real dick.
It's Matty Greene here,
and I'm alive and well
and the after show is
seconds away.
Two of my favorite guests
will be joining us,
Alec Baldwin and
the E-Trade baby!
And we'll talk about if
they've ever had
any ghostly encounters.
And then make them
fight each other in a
tub filled with pudding.
So much fun
to be had.
Ciao for now!
Hotwives of Orlando...
We are going to have
prostitution lessons.
Shauna is a little
competitive with me.
You know
I'm a better whore!
Let's have a whore-off.
Shauna is my best friend.
She tried to kill me once.
Kill her! Kill her!
So I know I'm in.
My therapist says
that I have some issues
with every
level of existing.
Aargh!
Amanda
was born without...
Like a soul?
VERONICA:
You don't have to be
Mr. Right to get with me.
You just
have to not have chlamydia.
CRYSTAL:
Every little girl dreams
of ending up in Orlando.
I'm living a fairy tale!
AMANDA:
Showbiz is in my blood.
As is heroin.
SHAUNA:
"Sugar and spice
and everything nice,"
is not how I would
describe myself.
(WHISPERING)
Phe Phe.
TAWNY:
Whoever said love is blind,
never saw my husband.
TAWNY: I've been feeling a lot
of things since the Pimps
and Hoes party
the other night.
All right,
I can do this.
Watch and learn,
big girls, watch and learn.
Mostly, I've been feeling
a burning sensation
when I urinate,
but also, the fact that Shauna
and I's friendship
is, like, really over.
Are you calling me
not a whore?
Some women are
prostitute material
and some just aren't.
(GASPS)
And that's why I asked her
to meet with me.
Hi!
You look pretty!
Oh, my, my!
I love all of this,
you look so gorgeous.
Thank you. It's the tan.
Listen, so I called you
here today to tell you that
we are no longer friends.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
That's strange,
because I wanted
to meet with you today,
to tell you, that I
don't wanna be friends
with you anymore.
I've been thinking since
last week,
that I didn't want to be
friends with Tawny.
But then she has to go
and copy me and say
what I was gonna say.
It's like, get your own thing.
Let's get some apps.
I was thinking
a little sashime.
Perfect.
And then we can really
get into details about...
Because I don't want
to be friends with you
anymore and I feel like
it's imperative that we
really get into
this because...
My treat.
No, no, no, I don't want
to be friends with you,
so I should pay.
No, no, no.
Let me do the tip.
Okay.
Because we are, not friends.
No.
This is going to be so great.
We'll still hang out
all the time.
All the time.
We're just not friends.
(SING SONGY)
What are you doing?
(ALL SHRIEKING)
What are you doing here?
Hi, baby.
Other cheek...
No the other cheek.
Hi, baby.
Hi.
Hi, doll.
(ALL AIR-KISSING)
Great to see you.
Oh, you look gorgeous.
TAWNY: Hi!
Hi.
(CHUCKLING)
What are you guys doing here?
Well, we came here today to
talk about how we're not going
to be friends anymore.
BOTH: Oh, my God!
We're no longer friends!
Yeah, not anymore.
But we're still going to
be sisters, no matter what.
Obviously, Amanda.
(MUMBLING) Blood, water.
Why do I have to always
smooth over all these
social situations for you?
You don't have to do
anything, I'm fine.
Crystal!
Hmm?
You know I don't want
to step on any toes but,
I know you and I were going
to meet on Tuesday
and discuss not being friends
but, Shauna, if you don't mind
maybe we could do it now.
No, it's fine. No, no.
Kinda work her in.
That would be great,
let's do it.
I have to say, you know what,
we got to get this out
of the way first,
because I don't want to
spend one more minute
being friends with you.
Not another second.
And then you guys can talk
and then maybe we could
talk about it,
because I don't know
you very well, but I already
know I don't like you.
Sure.
So I would like to talk,
about not being friends
right off the bat
because I don't even want
you to think we're
even slightly...
Oh! Not even.
And we're still all going
to hang out all the time.
CRYSTAL: Yeah!
But I just want you
to know that
I don't wanna be friends.
I think that's most
important thing.
Understood. Thank you.
I agree completely.
I was worried that I
was going to be bored
losing all of my friends.
But now I'm going
to be so busy not
being friends with them.
Oh, my God!
My Tuesday/Thursday is redic.
ALL: (LAUGHING)
Cheers!
Let's make a schedule.
So first, Shauna and I
will break up as friends,
then we're gonna
do Crystal and Amanda
and then we do swap-a-roo.
Yeah. Just like
a round robin.
Love that.
Hey!
ALL: Phe Phe!
(ALL AIR KISSING)
TAWNY: Hi! I love
that pink on you.
Okay. I came here
to tell y'all,
that I don't want
to be friends with
any of you bitches.
You wanna... We could
work you in now because
I definitely
don't want to be friends
with you much longer.
I think we have to put her in.
Put her in!
Before you fit anybody
into any schedule, you
better leave some room...
Shauna, you and I
are no longer friends.
Yeah, Alli, I don't care
enough about you to not wanna
be friends, so thank you.
(SNORTS)
Slam.
Okay.
Oh, that's fine.
Because, Phe Phe, you
and I are no longer friends.
(CRUNCHES LOUDLY)
Who are you?
(SIGHING)
Who can I not be
friends with?
Waiter! You and I
are no longer friends.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
Boy, I just did not
see that coming.
I mean, I keep playing it over
and over in my mind,
is there something
I could have done differently?
I mean, I sat her next
to those women,
like she asked.
Have you been sitting
here the whole time?
Yes.
That's sad. And I've
never thought
that about anyone else.
I don't know,
I'm really gonna miss her,
whoever she is.
This is really a nice time.
I don't like you guys.
AMANDA AND CRYSTAL:
I know,
I don't like you either.
ALL: Cheers!
To not being friends.
Get the hell
out of here, bitch!
Can I get anyone
something to drink?
And the Lord said, "Let
there be shots."
Nothing mellows us out
like tequila.
Oh, Jesus!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God!
You know, I was a little upset
that no one asked me to
not be friends anymore.
I thought, I was close
enough to these girls,
that they would
not want to be my friend.
But that quickly dissipated
when Phe Phe called me crying,
and I told her to meet me
at my favorite little place.
Hi, darling.
Hi, honey.
Aw!
Aw!
(AIR KISSING)
I needed to talk to someone.
All right, what's going on?
Well...
I think I might have
to leave Rodney.
What? Oh, my God!
Hmm.
There's been a lot of
rumors going around that
Rodney is cheating on me.
I spread rumors about Rodney
cheating on Phe Phe,
because I thought
she'd want to know.
And gossip seemed like
the best way to get
that information to her.
I'm her friend, that's
what friends do.
Tell me everything,
this is a safe place.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and ladies.
Welcome to Tools
and Tapas.
Now here come some gentlemen
who want to hammer away
at you all night long!
It's not just the cheating
rumors you know,
every wife of an athlete
has to deal with those.
It's a... I don't know.
I feel like we
have drifted apart.
It's so hard in a marriage
when you feel separate
from your partner.
It can be very, very lonely.
I mean, it's like, he cares
more about the team,
than he cares about me!
Well, have you told him that?
Because that is my
biggest regret.
Is that I wish
I had just told my ex
how hurt I was,
instead of being so
focused on hurting him.
I know what you're saying,
girl, I know what
you're saying.
But I just feel like,
you know, it's too late
for all that.
It's, like,
the trust is gone.
Darling, it's very
difficult in a marriage to
rebuild your trust.
Oh! You know, that's just
something that takes
years to really get back,
when you've lost that,
you know?
You're so right.
Just listen to your heart.
I was trying to listen
with my heart,
but that was hard to do
with a (BLEEP) my ear.
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend!
I feel so close to you.
I've never felt closer
to anybody than right now!
Helping Phe Phe made me feel
all warm inside.
Or maybe it was getting
doubled teamed by a pair
of strippers, I don't know.
But I was thinking,
it was time for all the girls
to just be friends again.
So I planned a little
get-together.
Hi!
Veronica and I
are not officially
not friends yet,
so I decided I would accept
her invitation to dinner,
but after dessert, we're done!
You look good.
Thank you. You look very nice.
Phe Phe.
Oh! Hi!
I really worked up
an appetite
at the strip club,
so I figured I'd go to
Veronica's dinner,
even if all those
other bitches were
coming too.
Where's Tawny?
Not that I care.
She couldn't be here.
She had to meet with a friend
of a friend to let them
know they are
no longer friends.
Can I get anyone
something to drink?
Oh, yes, yes.
VERONICA: Oh, hi, Amanda!
Oh, hi.
Hi.
When Veronica
invited me to hang out
with the other girls,
I wasn't sure I
wanted to go...
Oh, you look lovely!
You look good.
Okay.
Then I blacked out and I woke
up and I was already there.
So, I decided to go.
I think you're going
to sit there.
Are you all right?
Whoa.
Are these our
places, is this...
Yes.
You can tell a lot
about a host by
where they seat you.
So what Veronica
is saying to me is,
"I think you're
a garbage person."
I can't stay long,
just so you know. I'm not
planning on staying long.
I also got the men together,
because when the ladies
aren't getting along,
the men really suffer too.
You know guys, frankly,
I don't appreciate
your wives won't be friends
with my wife,
because that means I have to
spend more time with her.
Yeah, well you know
what I don't like?
I don't like that one of
your wives told Phe Phe
about my alleged
cheating, allegedly.
Well, someone's telling Phil
that I've been sleeping
with Tawny.
No one told me that.
Look, you know
what, I'm over it.
I don't give a (BLEEP).
Let's go play some pool.
Yeah!
It's fun, right?
I really, I don't think
I should sit here.
I think I should sit,
either there or there.
Can you please
make special accommodations
for Shauna, please.
Crystal's here.
Hi!
Hi!
Oh! Alli, I didn't know
you were coming too.
I brought my friend Alli
with me because I thought
she'd help smooth things over.
She's good like that.
Don't worry, Veronica.
I'm just here
to support Crystal.
I'm not here to tell everyone
you're dating your pool guy.
What?
Yes, it's true.
I am dating
my pool boy, Billy.
He really knows
how to float my boat.
You get it? You know,
check my temperature.
Clean my filter,
check it for leaves
and bugs.
I don't think
that last one had
anything sexual, actually.
Okay, everyone just relax.
He's just cleaning pools
to put himself
through high school.
Yeah, I get that.
I understand.
Hey, Crystal, I missed you.
Fine, fine. Stop.
I missed you.
All right! Ladies, the reason
that I brought you all here
tonight,
is because I think
it's time for us to all
be friends again.
Yes, you're so right.
I've some really great news
that I wanted to share
with my friends.
What?
So this morning
I made my weather girl debut
on Early Morning Orlando!
Wow!
Congratulations!
That's great!
Being a weather girl
is my dream job.
And since God controls
the weather,
it's like I get to be
his personal spokesperson.
On TV!
There's a big storm front
headed for New Orleans.
I guess you didn't
learn your lesson last time
about God's wrath
about your debauchery.
More snow in Vermont.
Sorry, homosexuals!
Ooh, in Vegas, a drought,
you hookers!
All right, here in
Orlando it's beautiful
as always.
Thank you God, Yahweh,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Back at you, Jack.
I'm so happy for you.
It's so funny because they had
offered me that job first,
and I turned it down,
but I, I'm glad you took it.
That's so cute.
Yeah. They offered it
to me too, but I just did
not want to do that.
Well, they actually offered
that same position to me, and
I was completely available,
but I was like,
I would never do that.
Yeah. I'm so happy that
you, that you did.
Yeah. I mean you're
perfect for that.
How come I didn't
get the offer?
Amanda.
Why can't you just be
happy for your sister
like everyone else is?
Thank you!
I am.
It's so selfish.
It really is.
Well, you started this.
I didn't start this.
You did.
I was just saying that I
was offered the job
and I didn't want to take it
and I'm glad she did.
That means you
just started it.
Phe Phe thinks
you started this.
I heard what she said, I'm
standing right next to her.
Phe Phe, Shauna's
standing right next to you.
I recognize that.
Why did Alli have to start
all that drama by telling
Phe Phe that I was
standing right next to her?
Don't yell at her.
Then I'll yell at you.
I feared something like
this might happen
if we got together.
I was pretty sure
the men probably
weren't faring well either.
Can I hear from this section!
(WHOOPING)
And the Lord said,
"Let there be shots."
You know what? F women!
Oh!
Yeah!
Ah! What's real?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
I grew up in
a rattlesnake church.
I'll rip your eyes outta your
mouth and shove them
up your ass (BLEEP),
till you (BLEEP) them out.
All right ladies, if you
won't speak to each other,
maybe you'd talk to the dead.
Uh...
I don't get it.
I invited my friend
Calliope DeBeaute,
to join us.
She's a medium,
she talks to the dead.
(ALL GASPING)
Actually, I'm what's known
as a ghost shouter.
I have the ability
to yell at the dead.
ALL: Wow.
It's amazing.
There's a TV show
based on my life,
you've probably seen it,
The Ghost Shouter.
Who's in it?
There's someone who's playing
me as the ghost shouter.
She's not as pretty,
but she's good.
Get out of here ghost,
you're annoying!
Go away, nobody
wants you here!
You're dumb,
stupid, stupid ghost!
We hate you!
(AIR WHOOSHING)
Your house is clear now.
I'll get you all DVDs,
I think you'd all
really like it.
This party is terrible.
The only thing that makes
it better is that
I know Rodney is probably
having a worse time
with the husbands.
You guys are the best.
I love each
and every one of you.
I feel like people talk
about love...
This is real love.
Not like, romance love,
which seems shallow.
Yep.
I just feel very included.
I'm just sorry all y'all
are going to hell,
'cause I'm really enjoying
hanging out with you.
Cool.
Calliope really gave
everyone someone to hate
besides each other.
So, Calliope, we're
all pretty fascinated
by what you do.
Of course you are,
I'm fascinating.
I mean, to talk to
ghosts, it's so exciting.
Yeah. I know.
I don't talk to ghosts,
I shout at them.
There is a difference,
get it right.
I mean, Calliope has shouted
at some of the most
important historical figures
like Abraham Lincoln...
CRYSTAL: Wow!
Aaron Spelling.
(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God!
So she shouts at people
who are not there.
In my world, we have a name
for people like that.
Crazy!
Damn! That was so Phe Phe.
Wait a minute, can you see
like dead people that
have died recently?
'Cause I didn't hit that
homeless guy. He ran
into my car, just so you know.
You guys are
all really annoying.
I mean, is the only
thing we're going to
talk about tonight
the fact that I
can talk to dead people?
Are your lives that boring?
Oh, wait! A dead
person just told me,
"Yes, they are!"
I felt bad for Calliope.
I invited her there,
because she could talk
to the dead, and then
that's what everybody
wanted her to do.
It's like, inviting a magician
to your party and
expecting him to do tricks.
Sometimes they just
want to hang out.
You know. Why can't we
just change the subject
everybody?
I'm sorry, Calliope.
(LAUGHS)
What's so... What's so funny?
I don't get it.
Nothing. I just know how
and when each and every
one of you is going to die.
AMANDA: Am I going to
choke on this bread?
Take another bite.
No. No.
Wait! We're gonna die?
You wanna know how they die?
Car accident, cancer,
cancer and a car accident.
Smoking, drugs,
violence at home.
Are we done?
All right everybody,
I've got tequila!
(CHEERING)
It was alcohol time,
because nothing mellows
us out like tequila.
Oh, Amanda, Amanda. Amanda.
Give it here.
Oh, you want one.
You want one?
Hmm.
Um, Calliope...
As a friend, I just
wanted to tell you that,
everyone is saying that
they like the show
the Ghost Whisperer
so much more than
The Ghost Shouter.
What?
Are you upset?
Oh, my gosh, that was
so not my intention!
I mean, the ghosts can't
even hear what
she's saying,
they've told me so.
No, no, they are not right!
Hey, excuse me, please take
that back, take it back!
Who's she talking to?
No idea.
Excuse you? Excuse you. My
breasts are so much better
than Jennifer Love Hewitt's.
Uh! You're dead, you
don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, (BLEEP), we've got
some ghosts up in here!
I can see 'em,
I can see 'em.
Yeah,
I think I saw a ghost too.
Or it could be the horse
tranquilizer I took.
I can hear the ghost,
I can feel the ghost...
Okay, Amanda.
I can taste the ghost.
Hey, hey! Back off,
what do you know,
you're homeless!
Oh, my God! He's here.
I did nothing to you. You
ran out in front of my car.
It's not my fault
that I was drinking!
(GASPS)
What?
Get your finger
out of my face.
Hey, don't you tell
me to calm down,
you calm down.
This is bull (BLEEP).
I do not believe it.
Mmm-mmm.
(AIR WHOOSHING)
What was that?
Oh, my...
Oh, I know that ghost
did not just tug on my weave!
You do not touch
a girl's hair, I will
slap a dead bitch.
All right, I'm
getting out of here.
Oh, Jesus!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God.
Watch out!
I will kill you again!
Ah!
(ALL YELLING)
By the power of the Lord,
I cast you out.
(BLEEP) got real up
in that seance,
that ghost was a dick.
(MOANING)
(SCREAMING)
Get the (BLEEP) out.
No one wants you here!
Get the (BLEEP) out!
Your house is now clear.
Oh, my God,
that was so scary!
Oh, my God!
That was so scary!
Oh, God,
thank goodness.
Oh, my goodness,
I'm so sorry.
I should never have...
You guys, I'm so sorry.
I want to be friends
with all of you again.
Oh, my God! Yes, please!
Let's schedule a time
to talk about how we're going
to be friends again.
Yes. Amanda, I'm so sorry
I said such horrible things
behind your back.
Oh, you guys,
we really got through
something together.
Alli, could you just get
that thing for me over there?
What thing?
There's nothing like a nice
girl's night to get
friends talking again.
ANNOUNCER: For the first time ,
get unprecedented
insider access to
network television's
third most popular
hour-long ghost-based
crime procedural.
I actually didn't know
my character was based
on a real person.
Wow!
Am I prettier than her?
ANNOUNCER: Learn behind the
scenes facts that will blow
your mind.
You know, I've never
even watched my show. I don't
even know what it's about.
I mean I think it's
about me being a mom
who's always yelling at my
kooky husband or something.
I think.
ANNOUNCER: And learn if this
role has made her a believer.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I'm not an idiot. (SCOFFS)
It's the Bigfoots
you have to watch out for.
Ooh! That was an extra creepy
episode of Hotwives.
That ghost is a real dick.
It's Matty Greene here,
and I'm alive and well
and the after show is
seconds away.
Two of my favorite guests
will be joining us,
Alec Baldwin and
the E-Trade baby!
And we'll talk about if
they've ever had
any ghostly encounters.
And then make them
fight each other in a
tub filled with pudding.
So much fun
to be had.
Ciao for now!