The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
TAWNY:
Previously on
Hotwives of Orlando...
I refuse to let Phil's
impending debt
get me down.
This is my new walk,
what do you think?
I like most of it.
Anthony knows that he ever
cheated on me,
I would cut off his (BLEEP)
and feed it to the raccoons
that live by the railroad.
You are going to
kick ass, baby.
I love it!
I'm just hoping that the show
will get my life together.
VERONICA: Get in line, boys,
'cause I'm open and
ready for business.
In my vagina.
CRYSTAL: In the name of
the Father, the Son and
the double D's,
amen!
AMANDA: I'm drunk,
high and drunk.
Now that's what I call
a triple threat.
SHAUNA: What did
you say to me?
Say it to my face!
PHE PHE: I am Phe Phe.
Hear me roar.
I said, "Hear me roar,
mother (BLEEP)."
TAWNY: Some people call
me a philanderer,
but to them I say,
"What's that?"
(SIGHS)
I've had a really tough week.
But I'm coping
the best I can.
Me and Tawny haven't talked
since the fight.
You need to calm down.
Why don't you calm down?
I mean...
She was my best friend.
But then she told me to
calm down. (CHUCKLES)
I mean, what am I? A person
who's not calm?
I don't think so.
"Calm down"? No, no.
You can't come back from that.
So, I decided to throw a
pimps and hoes party.
A pimps and hoes party is
when everyone gets together
and dresses like a
pimp or a ho.
I chose ho.
We've got some amazing new
pieces in Cracker.
Be sure you check out the
fall collection from Hooker.
Orlando has some of the
best "whore couture"
in the entire country.
Oh, my God! I love this.
How much is this skirt?
Maybe even the world.
Have you talked to
Tawny since the fight?
There is no way I am
talking to that crazy bitch.
Not after what she did to me.
Shauna and Tawny were
best friends.
But some things can't
be unsaid.
You need to calm...
(DISTORTED) Down.
I have said that to
people before.
And I swear to God, I had to
run for my life.
But it's when you wanna fight.
That's what you say when you
want to fight.
She said to me,
"Calm down."
Every time you say it,
I want to hit you.
And we're not even having
a fight right now.
You know what I'm saying?
You say, "Calm down," I wanna
hit you in your face.
Even just when you said
it right now,
I swear to God, I got so mad
I could feel it bubbling up
in me.
I thought, I thought, when I
said calm down back to you...
You said it again. I'm so
mad right now.
I'm so mad right now!
I didn't mean to bring
it all back.
Don't say it again!
Don't say it again.
I will kill you!
I didn't mean to
bring it all back.
It's gonna be all right.
Calm down? Ooh!
You know I always
speak my mind.
But I would never tell
anybody to calm down.
(SCOFFS)
Okay, so fitting rooms
are right over here.
And just let me know if you
guys need any new sizes.
Or you want me to cut
the crotch out of anything.
Or add tear stains,
semen stains...
Oh, you guys do that?
We do that, so...
Thank you, okay.
Whatever, okay? I'll be right
back to check on you.
(GASPS) Girls!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Mwah!
Mwah!
Mwah!
Mwah!
I was shopping at
Whor, and then
I ran into Shauna
and she told me about
her whore party.
I mean, if that's not divine
intervention,
then I clearly don't
know what that means.
Do you have this in
a smaller size?
Um...
Oh! Oh.
(MATERIAL RIPPING)
So nice.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
What do you guys think?
You look like Princess Kate.
So elegant.
So classy.
You guys are gonna
make me cry.
Thanks.
VERONICA: I mean, I love
a pimps and hoes party.
But unfortunately, I'm not
going to be able to attend.
Because I have to
deal with a...
Serious medical issue.
Um...
The doctor says that I have
to have a vaginal lift.
Because I have a
deviated septum.
In my vagina.
It's not... It's not because
I have a saggy vagina,
or like very loose,
large labia
or anything like a big hole.
No. It's just, you know,
I really want my vagina to
be able to breathe properly.
Veronica, hello.
You feeling good?
Well, that's what
the boys say.
That I feel good.
When they are inside me.
Do you get it?
You asked me a
question expecting
me to answer about my mood.
But I twisted it
around to be,
"Does my body feel good
to have intercourse with?"
(BOTH LAUGH)
Why don't we
take a look?
Oh!
There we go.
Hmm. Okay.
(MARKER SQUEAKING)
Ooh...
Doctor, um...
I'm... I'm actually not here
for my face today.
I'm here for the
vaginal lift.
Oh! Oh, oh.
That's right. (LAUGHS)
Well, good thing 'cause
your face is so perfect.
(BOTH LAUGH)
All right.
Let's go to it.
(CLATTERING)
Oh!
My bad.
Just ignore it.
Oh!
(MARKER SQUEAKING)
Is this the actual
procedure or...
Just...
Just making some notes.
I have a notepad in my
handbag.
No need, no need.
Okay.
Oh.
(SIGHS)
So, a vaginal lift
is going to tighten
your labia.
But most importantly,
cure my deviated septum.
Yes. Okay.
Yes.
Now, you just wanna
pick the vagina you'd like.
Oh, great.
This is the fun part.
Great. Here we go.
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Quite fun.
Now, this is
our TYX model...
(GASPS) Oh!
People are so greedy.
They find out
you have money,
and then they
just start suing you
for the stupidest stuff,
like slander,
or non-payment
for services rendered,
punching them in the face.
That's why
I'm for tort reform.
Now, twist it.
Twist it, twist it.
SHAUNA: Anthony!
There you go.
Honey, I'm home!
ANTHONY: Twist it.
Damn! Work that pipe.
Who is this...
This girl, this bitch
sucking you off?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You stupid idiot.
This is the plumber, Alex.
Come on, he's a man.
ALEX: Yeah.
He's not a man. Alex?
Look at the long hair and...
No, that is a woman.
Look, she doesn't
even have an Adam's apple.
Look, he has a beard.
Obviously it's a disguise.
Ow!
I see that it's a disguise.
Shauna! Shauna, stop that.
Stop that!
I'm stronger. See?
Ahhh!
No, no.
It's a girl!
Look, it's a man's beard.
This is a girl,
bitch and...
Come here.
You ought to
calm down, bitch!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
What did you just say?
I apologize for calling
your wife a bitch,
but she's being...
I don't care,
she is a bitch. That's not
what I'm talking about.
Calm down?
We do not use
the calm down word
in my household.
We'll use the bitch word
or the (BLEEP) word,
or the whore word.
You used the "CD" phrase
in my house on my wife.
What, "calm down"?
You (BLEEP)!
Why won't anybody
calm down?
Nobody tells my wife
to calm down but me!
(ALEX SCREAMING)
SHAUNA: Get him, sweetie.
Get him!
Punch him!
(ALEX GRUNTS)
Hit him in the face!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Kill her!
All right, all right,
listen.
You people are (BLEEP)
crazy, all right?
I'm gonna sue your asses!
Yeah? Get in line!
How do you
get out of this...
Twist it.
(ALEX GRUNTS)
I'm gonna invoice you!
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry he said that.
Thank you, sweetie. No.
I know you cheated
on me with her,
but I appreciate
you beating her up
afterwards.
It was weird.
He didn't have
an Adam's apple.
(GIGGLING)
(INDISTINCT TALK)
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
You drinking booze,
doesn't pay for itself.
$20 cover, come on.
Let's go, get in there.
You're looking so good.
Ahhh!
Everybody say, "Ho"!
Oh, my God. I thought
that was an elephant.
(LAUGHING) Hi.
Come on, everybody,
do the wave!
Who wants to
have some fun?
Oh, you know what?
Let's just let him relax.
Sometimes it takes
him some time to come
down from a game.
Oh, go in.
Hi!
BOTH: Mwah, mwah!
Hey, y'all. I don't
approve of this
pimps and hoes party,
but I don't wanna go
to a boring Christian
friend's house
'cause they're all sober,
so let's get our drink on.
Okay.
I love it.
Oh, my God,
you look fantastic.
Oh, my God, you have
never looked better...
Hi!
SHAUNA: Oh.
CRYSTAL: Shauna,
you remember
my friend Alli.
Hi, this is such
a great party!
Hi.
I don't know why
nobody wants to go.
Wow, hi.
She's such a riot.
I'm not the biggest
fan of Crystal's
friend Alli.
Mostly because she's
a troublemaking bitch
and I hate her.
I'm not one
of the hotwives,
but if I wanted to be
one of the hotwives,
I'm sure I could be
one of the hotwives.
But I'm not right now.
But I could be if
I wanted to be.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I love the costume.
It's great.
Yeah, speaking of costumes...
This is amazing!
Oh, thank you!
I borrowed it
from my toddler.
Oh, I think
you look amazing.
You look so fantastic.
Thank you.
It's just weird 'cause Phe Phe
said you look like
you had granny sloppy tits.
You've been Phe Phe'd.
(LAUGHING)
Amanda, where'd
you come from?
I haven't been
home since, uh...
Since Tawny's charity party.
I've been just, you know,
wandering the streets, just...
(SIGHS) Making friends,
robbing liquor stores,
keeping busy.
So the coach is like,
"Stay off the court
"when the game is going on."
And I'm like, "But that's
when the team needs me
the most." You know?
Yeah, who's gonna
know better than you?
Right?
Exactly.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hey, baby girl.
Hi.
Can you get me a beer?
But I just sat down.
Sweetheart,
serve thy husband
and thou shall know
the kingdom of heaven.
Proverbs. Right?
You're right. Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
and put a lime in it.
Ecclesiastes.
Oh, there is a ton
of respect in our marriage.
She respects me as
the man of the house
and I respect that
she does what I say.
Why'd you ask that?
She say something about me?
Crystal. Crystal.
Baby, your breasts shake
when you laugh.
Okay, you gotta
put on a jacket.
But, baby, I don't
have a jacket.
You do now.
I just tore this curtain off.
I'm a Christian,
I'm not Episcopalian,
all right?
So I really wanted to
make it look like
a real whorehouse.
You know what I mean?
PHE PHE: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Shauna! Shauna,
Tawny is here and she
looks better than you.
Don't be like that.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Hi.
Thank you for coming.
(INDISTINCT)
I never wanted to see
Shauna again after what
she said to me.
Why don't you...
(DISTORTED) Calm down!
But I'm not gonna miss
a pimps and hoes party
'cause she's a bitch.
I mean, look at this body.
Tonight is not
about grudges,
it's about good friends
hanging out,
being whores together.
Tawny!
Tawny!
Honey.
You see Tawny?
Tawny. You know Tawny?
Tall whore, red boots.
Phil.
Heath. Heath!
(CHUCKLES)
Come on!
Oh!
That's so good!
Tawny is so committed
to the party theme
she pretended
to turn a trick
with Heath.
I got you!
I got you!
Worth it.
Oh, we have fun.
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
you guys.
Veronica's on FaceTime,
come see.
SHAUNA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
ALL: (GASPS) Hi!
Hi, baby girl.
How's the party?
I'm so sad
I couldn't make it.
Oh.
Get it? Make it.
Aw!
Don't try to make
innuendos right now.
You could hurt yourself.
SHAUNA: How does it look?
Can we see it?
TAWNY: Can we see?
Of course you can see.
Here. I'll pan down.
I'm putting it on landscape.
Let me know if
you need panoramic.
Can you see it?
(ALL GASP)
Oh, my God!
Oh.
Oh, my God.
That is so pretty.
It's perfect.
It's gaping.
It looks like a tiny
man in a canoe.
Oh, old canoe that
someone painted to
look new. Phe Phe.
(ALL LAUGH)
You have two vaginas...
No. No.
No, no.
That's her butt.
Oh, that's her (BLEEP).
Yeah.
Yeah.
VERONICA: You know,
it really meant a lot to me
how supportive
the girls were
about my vaginal lift.
I just wish my nana
was around to see it.
I think she would
have been very proud.
Everybody! Hello, everybody!
Attention,
pay attention to me.
Tawny.
I'm talking,
pay attention to me.
Thank you so much
for coming out to
our pimps and hoes
party tonight.
And we have a very
special treat tonight
that's gonna
make this evening
even more funner.
I have for you a real live
pimp and ho!
(ALL CHEERING)
So, please let me
introduce to you
Tito and Carmelotta.
(ALL CHEERING)
All right. And we
are going to have
prostitution lessons.
(ALL SCREAMING)
I... I love these
corporate gigs
'cause, you know,
obviously it's a lot
easier on my vagina.
You know, and there's
like so much (BLEEP)
to steal.
All right, so,
everybody, guys,
Tito is gonna teach
you how to pimp down here.
Ladies, follow me
up to my bedroom
and Carmelotta will
teach us how to be whores.
Come on up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What... No. No, no, no.
Anybody else hear that?
You want the women to go
to a separate place than
the men? Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
But, TJ, it's just
a prostitution lesson.
You be quiet.
(ALL GASP)
(SCOFFS) I don't care
if they're rhinoceros
lessons,
which, by the way,
would be awesome.
You know, how am I
supposed to know what she's
doing if I can't see her?
Blind trust?
Listen up. In case y'all
don't read the Bible,
prostitution's a sin.
Just like murder
and adultery and
female orgasm.
Let's go.
Thank you for coming.
Mwah! Mwah!
I really hope you don't
go to hell 'cause you're
so pretty, Shauna.
Aw, thank you, sweetie.
TJ: Now, mommy!
Okay.
TAWNY: Bye, baby girl.
Have a good night.
Bye, have a good night.
ALL: Bye!
Love you. Wow, wow.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
It's like fine, fine.
I don't care.
Have your beliefs.
But don't bring your
religion into my
prostitution party.
I'm sorry, but that TJ
is so controlling.
Okay, and ugly.
Hashtag Phe Phe.
(ALL LAUGH)
He never lets Crystal
do anything fun.
Yeah, and he always
wants anal.
Hashtag Alli.
Whoo-hoo! What?
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
This isn't mine.
If you shave your wife's
(BLEEP), your (BLEEP)
will look bigger.
And that's science.
PHE PHE: This is too much.
Right.
All right.
Before we start, um,
does anyone have crack?
And so this bitch
was saying,
"I got a kid."
Blah, blah, blah.
And I said, "Bitch,
"you gonna make that money
or I'm gonna cut you."
Shove your ass back.
ALL: Oh.
Then you look back.
Bend, and then
you look back.
Would these kind of moves
maybe kill an older man?
Tito.
Yes, Phil?
Uh, what if the bitch
is your wife
and you really, really
love her a lot?
TITO: Doesn't matter.
Never trust a ho.
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
I am sorry about
that, Tito,
uh, you know, I cannot
agree with that because
I trust Tawny implicitly.
(CHUCKLES)
Phil's like a father to me.
And I'm like his son,
who's (BLEEP) my mother.
Oh, wait. I just got that.
Gross? No, still hot.
Hey, baby, you want a date?
CARMELOTTA: Name your price.
How much would I
charge for a butt job?
All right, butt jobs,
it all depends on
performance and experience.
It's like, what can
you do with that ass,
can you pop it?
Now that is something
I can do.
Now, my wife has too
much self-esteem.
How do you break that down?
(ALL AGREEING)
Well, if you say,
"Your ankles look
a little fat."
Hi.
Hey, baby, I wanna
eat your (BLEEP).
Ooh. Okay. Okay.
I hate to say it,
but Shauna just
doesn't have that
special something
to be a great ho.
Like, how much would a guy...
How much would that be?
Depends on your
skill level, really, like...
Anthony doesn't say
I'm very good at it.
Okay, so maybe
you are gonna
wanna bundle that
with maybe another service.
SHAUNA: Okay.
Okay, maybe with like
a handy, a hand job.
I have eczema.
Huh.
Now, if you look at
the pie graph that
I have created here,
you'll notice that
75% of pimpin'
is bookkeeping.
So what you wanna
do is open up Quicken...
What, you don't
use QuickBooks?
QuickBooks are
for little bitches.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm so sorry,
you're doing so great.
Shauna, Tawny rolled
her eyes
at you like,
"Oh, Shauna's not very good
at being a prostitute."
And I just wanted you to know
because you're like my best
friend in the whole world.
(WHISPERING) So, I just
wanted you to know.
(MOUTHING)
So you don't think
I'm very good at this?
It's just that some women
are prostitute material
and some just aren't.
Are you calling
me not a whore?
If the G-string fits.
Ooh!
Let's take this
to the streets.
Let's see who is
a better whore.
You know I'm
a better whore.
I'm a better...
Let's have a whore-off!
I'm the kind of person
that if you tell me
I can't do something,
I'm gonna be the best
at that thing.
So I told Carmelotta to take
me and Tawny down to the
seediest part
of downtown Orlando,
and we're gonna find out
who is the better prostitute
once and for all.
Hi, sweetie.
You want a ride?
MAN: Or a date.
Oh, a date.
Thank you. Thank you
for correcting.
I need notes.
These are good.
These are good.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
When they say
hit pimp-hand,
why do you hit with
the back of your hand?
From my instinct,
it's front.
'Cause you don't wanna
get makeup on your hand.
What happened in that car?
That guy was my old
middle school teacher.
I gave him a hand job.
Next batter, next batter.
All right, I can do this.
Aw, my parents have
the same car.
I've always wanted
to have sex in it.
Rug or no rug?
Dude, I would
shave everything.
I made $20.
I got a piece of gum
and an IOU for a backrub.
I call my wife a dummy,
is that okay?
If I don't say
bitch or ho?
Hey, hey...
No, no, no, no...
Hi, babe...
Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
You want a date?
No, no, no. Hey!
I was here first.
CARMELOTTA: This guy is
all for me.
TAWNY: Okay, I'm
gonna have sex with him.
Move!
My bitch slappin' hand,
I put in a box of tissues
and I sleep with it
like that.
This is my living, okay?
Get out, please.
You need to calm...
(BOTH GASP)
Oh!
You need to calm down.
Calm down? I have
never been so disrespected.
And I've been peed on.
CARMELOTTA: Get the (BLEEP)
off my street now!
MAN: Get in!
Ha, ha. Calm down,
calm down, calm down.
You calm down!
Calm down!
So in the end
the john picked me.
I won.
(SOFTLY) I won.
S to the haloms, y'all!
It's me, Matty G,
here bringing you
The Hotwives Cool Down
in just a few minutes.
Wow! That pimps and hoes
party took a really fun
and depressing turn.
We'll talk all about it
tonight with my guests,
Cee Lo Green
and Christiane Amanpour.
We'll also ask them
which of them would
make a better prostitute
and play the game,
"Butthole or Vag."
'Cause as we saw
in Veronica's case,
sometimes it's too
hard to tell.
And stay tuned after
for the debut of
Tito and Carmelotta's
new show,
Ho Is Where The Heart Is.
Ciao for now.
Previously on
Hotwives of Orlando...
I refuse to let Phil's
impending debt
get me down.
This is my new walk,
what do you think?
I like most of it.
Anthony knows that he ever
cheated on me,
I would cut off his (BLEEP)
and feed it to the raccoons
that live by the railroad.
You are going to
kick ass, baby.
I love it!
I'm just hoping that the show
will get my life together.
VERONICA: Get in line, boys,
'cause I'm open and
ready for business.
In my vagina.
CRYSTAL: In the name of
the Father, the Son and
the double D's,
amen!
AMANDA: I'm drunk,
high and drunk.
Now that's what I call
a triple threat.
SHAUNA: What did
you say to me?
Say it to my face!
PHE PHE: I am Phe Phe.
Hear me roar.
I said, "Hear me roar,
mother (BLEEP)."
TAWNY: Some people call
me a philanderer,
but to them I say,
"What's that?"
(SIGHS)
I've had a really tough week.
But I'm coping
the best I can.
Me and Tawny haven't talked
since the fight.
You need to calm down.
Why don't you calm down?
I mean...
She was my best friend.
But then she told me to
calm down. (CHUCKLES)
I mean, what am I? A person
who's not calm?
I don't think so.
"Calm down"? No, no.
You can't come back from that.
So, I decided to throw a
pimps and hoes party.
A pimps and hoes party is
when everyone gets together
and dresses like a
pimp or a ho.
I chose ho.
We've got some amazing new
pieces in Cracker.
Be sure you check out the
fall collection from Hooker.
Orlando has some of the
best "whore couture"
in the entire country.
Oh, my God! I love this.
How much is this skirt?
Maybe even the world.
Have you talked to
Tawny since the fight?
There is no way I am
talking to that crazy bitch.
Not after what she did to me.
Shauna and Tawny were
best friends.
But some things can't
be unsaid.
You need to calm...
(DISTORTED) Down.
I have said that to
people before.
And I swear to God, I had to
run for my life.
But it's when you wanna fight.
That's what you say when you
want to fight.
She said to me,
"Calm down."
Every time you say it,
I want to hit you.
And we're not even having
a fight right now.
You know what I'm saying?
You say, "Calm down," I wanna
hit you in your face.
Even just when you said
it right now,
I swear to God, I got so mad
I could feel it bubbling up
in me.
I thought, I thought, when I
said calm down back to you...
You said it again. I'm so
mad right now.
I'm so mad right now!
I didn't mean to bring
it all back.
Don't say it again!
Don't say it again.
I will kill you!
I didn't mean to
bring it all back.
It's gonna be all right.
Calm down? Ooh!
You know I always
speak my mind.
But I would never tell
anybody to calm down.
(SCOFFS)
Okay, so fitting rooms
are right over here.
And just let me know if you
guys need any new sizes.
Or you want me to cut
the crotch out of anything.
Or add tear stains,
semen stains...
Oh, you guys do that?
We do that, so...
Thank you, okay.
Whatever, okay? I'll be right
back to check on you.
(GASPS) Girls!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Mwah!
Mwah!
Mwah!
Mwah!
I was shopping at
Whor, and then
I ran into Shauna
and she told me about
her whore party.
I mean, if that's not divine
intervention,
then I clearly don't
know what that means.
Do you have this in
a smaller size?
Um...
Oh! Oh.
(MATERIAL RIPPING)
So nice.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
What do you guys think?
You look like Princess Kate.
So elegant.
So classy.
You guys are gonna
make me cry.
Thanks.
VERONICA: I mean, I love
a pimps and hoes party.
But unfortunately, I'm not
going to be able to attend.
Because I have to
deal with a...
Serious medical issue.
Um...
The doctor says that I have
to have a vaginal lift.
Because I have a
deviated septum.
In my vagina.
It's not... It's not because
I have a saggy vagina,
or like very loose,
large labia
or anything like a big hole.
No. It's just, you know,
I really want my vagina to
be able to breathe properly.
Veronica, hello.
You feeling good?
Well, that's what
the boys say.
That I feel good.
When they are inside me.
Do you get it?
You asked me a
question expecting
me to answer about my mood.
But I twisted it
around to be,
"Does my body feel good
to have intercourse with?"
(BOTH LAUGH)
Why don't we
take a look?
Oh!
There we go.
Hmm. Okay.
(MARKER SQUEAKING)
Ooh...
Doctor, um...
I'm... I'm actually not here
for my face today.
I'm here for the
vaginal lift.
Oh! Oh, oh.
That's right. (LAUGHS)
Well, good thing 'cause
your face is so perfect.
(BOTH LAUGH)
All right.
Let's go to it.
(CLATTERING)
Oh!
My bad.
Just ignore it.
Oh!
(MARKER SQUEAKING)
Is this the actual
procedure or...
Just...
Just making some notes.
I have a notepad in my
handbag.
No need, no need.
Okay.
Oh.
(SIGHS)
So, a vaginal lift
is going to tighten
your labia.
But most importantly,
cure my deviated septum.
Yes. Okay.
Yes.
Now, you just wanna
pick the vagina you'd like.
Oh, great.
This is the fun part.
Great. Here we go.
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Quite fun.
Now, this is
our TYX model...
(GASPS) Oh!
People are so greedy.
They find out
you have money,
and then they
just start suing you
for the stupidest stuff,
like slander,
or non-payment
for services rendered,
punching them in the face.
That's why
I'm for tort reform.
Now, twist it.
Twist it, twist it.
SHAUNA: Anthony!
There you go.
Honey, I'm home!
ANTHONY: Twist it.
Damn! Work that pipe.
Who is this...
This girl, this bitch
sucking you off?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You stupid idiot.
This is the plumber, Alex.
Come on, he's a man.
ALEX: Yeah.
He's not a man. Alex?
Look at the long hair and...
No, that is a woman.
Look, she doesn't
even have an Adam's apple.
Look, he has a beard.
Obviously it's a disguise.
Ow!
I see that it's a disguise.
Shauna! Shauna, stop that.
Stop that!
I'm stronger. See?
Ahhh!
No, no.
It's a girl!
Look, it's a man's beard.
This is a girl,
bitch and...
Come here.
You ought to
calm down, bitch!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
What did you just say?
I apologize for calling
your wife a bitch,
but she's being...
I don't care,
she is a bitch. That's not
what I'm talking about.
Calm down?
We do not use
the calm down word
in my household.
We'll use the bitch word
or the (BLEEP) word,
or the whore word.
You used the "CD" phrase
in my house on my wife.
What, "calm down"?
You (BLEEP)!
Why won't anybody
calm down?
Nobody tells my wife
to calm down but me!
(ALEX SCREAMING)
SHAUNA: Get him, sweetie.
Get him!
Punch him!
(ALEX GRUNTS)
Hit him in the face!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Kill her!
All right, all right,
listen.
You people are (BLEEP)
crazy, all right?
I'm gonna sue your asses!
Yeah? Get in line!
How do you
get out of this...
Twist it.
(ALEX GRUNTS)
I'm gonna invoice you!
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry he said that.
Thank you, sweetie. No.
I know you cheated
on me with her,
but I appreciate
you beating her up
afterwards.
It was weird.
He didn't have
an Adam's apple.
(GIGGLING)
(INDISTINCT TALK)
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
You drinking booze,
doesn't pay for itself.
$20 cover, come on.
Let's go, get in there.
You're looking so good.
Ahhh!
Everybody say, "Ho"!
Oh, my God. I thought
that was an elephant.
(LAUGHING) Hi.
Come on, everybody,
do the wave!
Who wants to
have some fun?
Oh, you know what?
Let's just let him relax.
Sometimes it takes
him some time to come
down from a game.
Oh, go in.
Hi!
BOTH: Mwah, mwah!
Hey, y'all. I don't
approve of this
pimps and hoes party,
but I don't wanna go
to a boring Christian
friend's house
'cause they're all sober,
so let's get our drink on.
Okay.
I love it.
Oh, my God,
you look fantastic.
Oh, my God, you have
never looked better...
Hi!
SHAUNA: Oh.
CRYSTAL: Shauna,
you remember
my friend Alli.
Hi, this is such
a great party!
Hi.
I don't know why
nobody wants to go.
Wow, hi.
She's such a riot.
I'm not the biggest
fan of Crystal's
friend Alli.
Mostly because she's
a troublemaking bitch
and I hate her.
I'm not one
of the hotwives,
but if I wanted to be
one of the hotwives,
I'm sure I could be
one of the hotwives.
But I'm not right now.
But I could be if
I wanted to be.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I love the costume.
It's great.
Yeah, speaking of costumes...
This is amazing!
Oh, thank you!
I borrowed it
from my toddler.
Oh, I think
you look amazing.
You look so fantastic.
Thank you.
It's just weird 'cause Phe Phe
said you look like
you had granny sloppy tits.
You've been Phe Phe'd.
(LAUGHING)
Amanda, where'd
you come from?
I haven't been
home since, uh...
Since Tawny's charity party.
I've been just, you know,
wandering the streets, just...
(SIGHS) Making friends,
robbing liquor stores,
keeping busy.
So the coach is like,
"Stay off the court
"when the game is going on."
And I'm like, "But that's
when the team needs me
the most." You know?
Yeah, who's gonna
know better than you?
Right?
Exactly.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hey, baby girl.
Hi.
Can you get me a beer?
But I just sat down.
Sweetheart,
serve thy husband
and thou shall know
the kingdom of heaven.
Proverbs. Right?
You're right. Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
and put a lime in it.
Ecclesiastes.
Oh, there is a ton
of respect in our marriage.
She respects me as
the man of the house
and I respect that
she does what I say.
Why'd you ask that?
She say something about me?
Crystal. Crystal.
Baby, your breasts shake
when you laugh.
Okay, you gotta
put on a jacket.
But, baby, I don't
have a jacket.
You do now.
I just tore this curtain off.
I'm a Christian,
I'm not Episcopalian,
all right?
So I really wanted to
make it look like
a real whorehouse.
You know what I mean?
PHE PHE: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Shauna! Shauna,
Tawny is here and she
looks better than you.
Don't be like that.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Hi.
Thank you for coming.
(INDISTINCT)
I never wanted to see
Shauna again after what
she said to me.
Why don't you...
(DISTORTED) Calm down!
But I'm not gonna miss
a pimps and hoes party
'cause she's a bitch.
I mean, look at this body.
Tonight is not
about grudges,
it's about good friends
hanging out,
being whores together.
Tawny!
Tawny!
Honey.
You see Tawny?
Tawny. You know Tawny?
Tall whore, red boots.
Phil.
Heath. Heath!
(CHUCKLES)
Come on!
Oh!
That's so good!
Tawny is so committed
to the party theme
she pretended
to turn a trick
with Heath.
I got you!
I got you!
Worth it.
Oh, we have fun.
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
you guys.
Veronica's on FaceTime,
come see.
SHAUNA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
ALL: (GASPS) Hi!
Hi, baby girl.
How's the party?
I'm so sad
I couldn't make it.
Oh.
Get it? Make it.
Aw!
Don't try to make
innuendos right now.
You could hurt yourself.
SHAUNA: How does it look?
Can we see it?
TAWNY: Can we see?
Of course you can see.
Here. I'll pan down.
I'm putting it on landscape.
Let me know if
you need panoramic.
Can you see it?
(ALL GASP)
Oh, my God!
Oh.
Oh, my God.
That is so pretty.
It's perfect.
It's gaping.
It looks like a tiny
man in a canoe.
Oh, old canoe that
someone painted to
look new. Phe Phe.
(ALL LAUGH)
You have two vaginas...
No. No.
No, no.
That's her butt.
Oh, that's her (BLEEP).
Yeah.
Yeah.
VERONICA: You know,
it really meant a lot to me
how supportive
the girls were
about my vaginal lift.
I just wish my nana
was around to see it.
I think she would
have been very proud.
Everybody! Hello, everybody!
Attention,
pay attention to me.
Tawny.
I'm talking,
pay attention to me.
Thank you so much
for coming out to
our pimps and hoes
party tonight.
And we have a very
special treat tonight
that's gonna
make this evening
even more funner.
I have for you a real live
pimp and ho!
(ALL CHEERING)
So, please let me
introduce to you
Tito and Carmelotta.
(ALL CHEERING)
All right. And we
are going to have
prostitution lessons.
(ALL SCREAMING)
I... I love these
corporate gigs
'cause, you know,
obviously it's a lot
easier on my vagina.
You know, and there's
like so much (BLEEP)
to steal.
All right, so,
everybody, guys,
Tito is gonna teach
you how to pimp down here.
Ladies, follow me
up to my bedroom
and Carmelotta will
teach us how to be whores.
Come on up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What... No. No, no, no.
Anybody else hear that?
You want the women to go
to a separate place than
the men? Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
But, TJ, it's just
a prostitution lesson.
You be quiet.
(ALL GASP)
(SCOFFS) I don't care
if they're rhinoceros
lessons,
which, by the way,
would be awesome.
You know, how am I
supposed to know what she's
doing if I can't see her?
Blind trust?
Listen up. In case y'all
don't read the Bible,
prostitution's a sin.
Just like murder
and adultery and
female orgasm.
Let's go.
Thank you for coming.
Mwah! Mwah!
I really hope you don't
go to hell 'cause you're
so pretty, Shauna.
Aw, thank you, sweetie.
TJ: Now, mommy!
Okay.
TAWNY: Bye, baby girl.
Have a good night.
Bye, have a good night.
ALL: Bye!
Love you. Wow, wow.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
It's like fine, fine.
I don't care.
Have your beliefs.
But don't bring your
religion into my
prostitution party.
I'm sorry, but that TJ
is so controlling.
Okay, and ugly.
Hashtag Phe Phe.
(ALL LAUGH)
He never lets Crystal
do anything fun.
Yeah, and he always
wants anal.
Hashtag Alli.
Whoo-hoo! What?
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
This isn't mine.
If you shave your wife's
(BLEEP), your (BLEEP)
will look bigger.
And that's science.
PHE PHE: This is too much.
Right.
All right.
Before we start, um,
does anyone have crack?
And so this bitch
was saying,
"I got a kid."
Blah, blah, blah.
And I said, "Bitch,
"you gonna make that money
or I'm gonna cut you."
Shove your ass back.
ALL: Oh.
Then you look back.
Bend, and then
you look back.
Would these kind of moves
maybe kill an older man?
Tito.
Yes, Phil?
Uh, what if the bitch
is your wife
and you really, really
love her a lot?
TITO: Doesn't matter.
Never trust a ho.
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
I am sorry about
that, Tito,
uh, you know, I cannot
agree with that because
I trust Tawny implicitly.
(CHUCKLES)
Phil's like a father to me.
And I'm like his son,
who's (BLEEP) my mother.
Oh, wait. I just got that.
Gross? No, still hot.
Hey, baby, you want a date?
CARMELOTTA: Name your price.
How much would I
charge for a butt job?
All right, butt jobs,
it all depends on
performance and experience.
It's like, what can
you do with that ass,
can you pop it?
Now that is something
I can do.
Now, my wife has too
much self-esteem.
How do you break that down?
(ALL AGREEING)
Well, if you say,
"Your ankles look
a little fat."
Hi.
Hey, baby, I wanna
eat your (BLEEP).
Ooh. Okay. Okay.
I hate to say it,
but Shauna just
doesn't have that
special something
to be a great ho.
Like, how much would a guy...
How much would that be?
Depends on your
skill level, really, like...
Anthony doesn't say
I'm very good at it.
Okay, so maybe
you are gonna
wanna bundle that
with maybe another service.
SHAUNA: Okay.
Okay, maybe with like
a handy, a hand job.
I have eczema.
Huh.
Now, if you look at
the pie graph that
I have created here,
you'll notice that
75% of pimpin'
is bookkeeping.
So what you wanna
do is open up Quicken...
What, you don't
use QuickBooks?
QuickBooks are
for little bitches.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm so sorry,
you're doing so great.
Shauna, Tawny rolled
her eyes
at you like,
"Oh, Shauna's not very good
at being a prostitute."
And I just wanted you to know
because you're like my best
friend in the whole world.
(WHISPERING) So, I just
wanted you to know.
(MOUTHING)
So you don't think
I'm very good at this?
It's just that some women
are prostitute material
and some just aren't.
Are you calling
me not a whore?
If the G-string fits.
Ooh!
Let's take this
to the streets.
Let's see who is
a better whore.
You know I'm
a better whore.
I'm a better...
Let's have a whore-off!
I'm the kind of person
that if you tell me
I can't do something,
I'm gonna be the best
at that thing.
So I told Carmelotta to take
me and Tawny down to the
seediest part
of downtown Orlando,
and we're gonna find out
who is the better prostitute
once and for all.
Hi, sweetie.
You want a ride?
MAN: Or a date.
Oh, a date.
Thank you. Thank you
for correcting.
I need notes.
These are good.
These are good.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
When they say
hit pimp-hand,
why do you hit with
the back of your hand?
From my instinct,
it's front.
'Cause you don't wanna
get makeup on your hand.
What happened in that car?
That guy was my old
middle school teacher.
I gave him a hand job.
Next batter, next batter.
All right, I can do this.
Aw, my parents have
the same car.
I've always wanted
to have sex in it.
Rug or no rug?
Dude, I would
shave everything.
I made $20.
I got a piece of gum
and an IOU for a backrub.
I call my wife a dummy,
is that okay?
If I don't say
bitch or ho?
Hey, hey...
No, no, no, no...
Hi, babe...
Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
You want a date?
No, no, no. Hey!
I was here first.
CARMELOTTA: This guy is
all for me.
TAWNY: Okay, I'm
gonna have sex with him.
Move!
My bitch slappin' hand,
I put in a box of tissues
and I sleep with it
like that.
This is my living, okay?
Get out, please.
You need to calm...
(BOTH GASP)
Oh!
You need to calm down.
Calm down? I have
never been so disrespected.
And I've been peed on.
CARMELOTTA: Get the (BLEEP)
off my street now!
MAN: Get in!
Ha, ha. Calm down,
calm down, calm down.
You calm down!
Calm down!
So in the end
the john picked me.
I won.
(SOFTLY) I won.
S to the haloms, y'all!
It's me, Matty G,
here bringing you
The Hotwives Cool Down
in just a few minutes.
Wow! That pimps and hoes
party took a really fun
and depressing turn.
We'll talk all about it
tonight with my guests,
Cee Lo Green
and Christiane Amanpour.
We'll also ask them
which of them would
make a better prostitute
and play the game,
"Butthole or Vag."
'Cause as we saw
in Veronica's case,
sometimes it's too
hard to tell.
And stay tuned after
for the debut of
Tito and Carmelotta's
new show,
Ho Is Where The Heart Is.
Ciao for now.