The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Meet the Hotwives - full transcript
MAN: Mario Lopez once said,
Orlando is the most
glamorous city in the world.
This is Orlando! You go big,
or you go back to Kissimmee.
MAN: It's a town
of great romance...
Your husband just had sex
with me in the bathroom.
...fabulous parties...
Happy intervention!
...and classy women.
Does anyone have crack?
So, buckle up, it's going
to be one heck of a ride.
(SCREAMS)
You bitch!
VERONICA: I'm all about class,
style and sophistication.
Also, I'm not
wearing underwear.
CRYSTAL:
The Lord is my savior.
My husband is king.
And my body
is redonkadonk.
AMANDA:
I was a child star.
I grew up on TV,
and I plan to die there.
SHAUNA: Money is everything.
I mean,
money isn't everything.
You know, it sounds
weird that way?
PHE PHE:
I always speak my mind.
And my mind thinks...
You're ugly.
TAWNY:
Girls just wanna have fun.
Even when their
husbands are dying.
I'm Tawny Saint John.
I'm just a small town girl
who dreamed of the big life.
And now, here I am.
In Orlando!
And I'm married
to an amazing man, Phil.
We have an
awesome relationship.
Except for the fact
that he's dying.
(VOICE BREAKS)
It's just so hard...
...imagining life
without Phil.
But it's nice to know
that when he's gone...
...I'll have his money
to comfort me.
Take it. Take it.
Take it all.
I refuse to let
Phil's impending
death get me down.
Um, yeah!
That's why working out
with my trainer Heath really
keeps my mind off things.
Right there! Exactly! Exactly!
(LAUGHING)
Whoo! It's hot in here.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
There's also all
my charity work
that keeps me busy.
Like tonight I'm throwing
a huge fundraiser
for my charity,
Classy Canines.
Which provides high heels
for dogs in Orlando.
Anyone who's anyone
in Central Florida
will be there.
SHAUNA: Hon...
Look what I got
for us to wear to
Tawny's charity event.
My name is
Shauna Beducci.
And I love to shop.
Shauna, how much
did you spend?
What're you doing here?
A lot.
Luckily, my husband Anthony
has his own business.
He's an entrepreneurier.
So, he makes lots of
money that I get to spend.
He loves that about me.
What do you do with
these dresses after
you wear 'em once?
Well, I'm not going
to wear them again.
That's disgusting.
Anthony and I have
a great marriage.
Where's the toilet paper
I asked you to get?
Where's the toilet paper?
I forgot.
We don't need it.
I'm going to have to use
your packing paper
to wipe my ass again.
Do you know why I'm getting
purple hemorrhoids?
'Cause of this crap!
You know, he may seem
like this tough guy that's
annoyed at me all the time.
But deep down he's just
a teddy bear that's annoyed
at me all the time.
You're such
a dumb idiot!
I love when you say
romantic things like that.
You're such a little flirt.
Basically, Anthony and I live
a really happy life together
because we respect each other.
Shauna, not now.
It's not our
wedding day, okay?
Also, he knows,
if he ever cheated on me,
I would cut off his dick
and feed it to the raccoons
that live by the railroad!
Girls, come down here.
(GRUMBLES) Stupid...
I got you your
first animal prints.
(GRUMBLES)
Are you kidding me?
We also have four
beautiful daughters.
Come see what
Mommy bought you.
Or is it five?
Shana, Shanti,
Shania...
It's four. No. Yeah.
Other one.
We have four
beautiful daughters.
VERONICA: (SINGSONG)
Darling! Lover!
Where are you?
And what are
you wearing?
I'm Veronica Von Vandervon.
I knew you'd be
in the bedroom.
I'm going to cover
your entire body
with kisses.
Oh! Come here, you.
Oh, you gorgeous thing.
Oh, my love.
(KISSING)
Mmm!
Oh, you're so gorgeous.
This is Lover.
I call him that because
I want a lover that comes
every time I call him.
Did you get it?
I made an orgasm joke.
You know,
because dogs come,
and then men do the
other kind of cumming.
It's kind of a play on words
because I'm so naughty.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you are so beautiful.
Do you need me to
explain that again?
It's coming and cumming.
C-O-M. C-U-M.
Do you know
how much I love you?
(SNICKERS)
Mmm, naughty.
You've probably heard the
Von Vandervon name before.
We're one of Orlando's
oldest and whitest families.
Very well known for our
Hot Holes Heavy Putting
and Snack Shack empire.
These aren't just
regular, poor-people
hot dogs, Miguel, okay?
These are frankfurters that
we cover with a corn shell.
You know what?
(BLEEP) you!
I really don't want
any drama tonight.
I just hope things
aren't going to be
awkward with Tawny,
because her trainer,
Heath, used to train me.
We used to work a lot
on my jaw muscles.
Do you get it?
That was an
oral sex joke.
Cover your ears.
Naughty!
CRYSTAL:
It's hard to believe that
God could make a heaven
more beautiful
than Orlando.
(SIGHS)
Let's give thanks.
Dear God...
Don't let my prayer
keep you from cleaning.
Okay.
I'm Crystal Simmons
and I have the perfect life.
Heavenly Father,
I want to thank
you for Orlando.
God has given me so much.
Health, beauty and a McMansion
in West Central Florida.
I love my back porch.
It's so big and my furniture
goes so well out there.
You know what?
That's gonna streak.
All of that's gonna streak.
Can you just, um...
Can you use
the vinegar mix
I gave you?
Thanks, Zoila.
I love my nails.
I have great nail beds.
Thank you, Lord,
for my nail beds.
My husband TJ adores me.
Okay.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Where are you going?
It's our big
Heels for Dogs
party tonight.
So, I'm going to Phe Phe's
house and meet my sister
and we're going
to get our hair done.
Sweetheart,
you're forgetting,
Leviticus 3:10,
"A woman shall
not leave her husband
in a time of need."
And right now,
I need a tuna melt.
Mmm-hmm.
I don't really read the Bible,
because TJ told me that
women can't interpret it
the way men can,
because it's
written in Jewish.
So, he just tells
me what it says.
I'm only gonna be
gone an hour, okay?
(KISSES)
Don't dillydally.
I'm gonna time you.
Okay.
Text me when you
get to the driveway.
Okay.
And when you
get in the car.
Okay.
Facetime me
when you get there.
Send me an Instagram
or something.
My name is Phe Phe.
Short for...
Phenomenon. Read Esquire.
And I am a lawyer.
I own one of the largest
law practices in Orlando.
But I do not
let that define me.
Because I am also
a cake designer,
a Zumba instructor,
a foot model,
a certified CPA
and an aspiring
taxidermist.
I killed this
bitch myself.
The hardest job I have
is being the wife of
a professional athlete.
Big game tonight, baby.
Team's counting on me.
You are going
to kick ass, baby!
Your man is a baller!
He sure is.
(YELPS)
(LAUGHS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
I love it!
But hanging with
the ladies really gets
my mind off of things.
Like my girl Crystal,
who I met at church...
I'm also an
ordained minister.
Yeah! Yeah!
Hello!
Hey.
Hi. Okay,
I can't stay long,
'cause I don't like to leave
TJ home by himself.
Girl...
I got to be Phe Phe
and speak my mind. Okay?
Your husband is
an (BLEEP) all right?
Also, those shoes make your
feet look like two piglets
stepped into a shot glass.
It's terrible.
That's what I love
about Phe Phe.
She's just gotta
speak her mind.
Even if it's cruel
and unnecessary.
(LAUGHS) She's just
got to be Phe Phe.
Well, where's Amanda?
I'm supposed to meet her here.
Girl, she did not show up.
I am so worried about her.
Your sister is
a broken ass bitch, okay?
And you are a dumb bitch
for messing with her.
I got to be Phe Phe.
I'm speaking my mind.
I'm a true friend.
I'm here to help.
I know.
You know?
I know you are.
Ugh, this is what I do.
Mmm-hmm.
Solve problems.
I'm a dumb bitch.
For real.
My name is
Amanda Simmons.
You might recognize me as
the Florida Prune Juice Girl
from when I was a kid.
Florida Prune Juice.
As easy going in
as it is going out.
"As easy going in
as it is going out."
Pretty!
Those were some
great years. Ugh!
How you doing, Amanda?
I'm great! I'm going
to be happy forever.
(ECHOING)
Forever... Forever...
But I got caught up
in the wild life
that comes with being
a local commercial star.
The last few years,
I've been up to, uh...
(EXHALES)
Well, you know,
I gave meth a whirl.
The best thing that's
happened to me is...
Well, uh...
(LAUGHS) Pass.
I've been clean
and sober now for...
...seven days.
And I'm just hoping
that this show will
get my life together.
My therapist says
it's a terrible idea.
(LAUGHS)
Fired!
No, Crystal,
I am not drinking again.
I am very nervous
about tonight.
I grew up on a set.
So, I just never learned
how to interact with
people socially, you know?
I mean, the prunes
were my friends.
Not a lot of people
can say that.
But when you try
to tell people that,
they don't get it.
You don't get it
till you've lived it.
And I'm the only person
who's been the Florida
Prune Juice Girl and I...
Yes, I promise
I'll be at the party.
(SCOFFS)
I want this couch
to be lavender.
Okay.
This candle is terrible!
This book is wonderful.
I agree.
I like this table
but not a lot.
TAWNY: I'm super excited
for my charity event.
And I've hired Antoine,
the party planner
to the Orlando stars.
These chandeliers
are making me weep.
This one for good,
that one for bad.
I got it.
Now, listen, darling,
I will need $25,000
deposit for the sky writer.
Whoa, sky writer?
We already have
Cirque du Soleil performers,
passing apps in
a floating sushi bar.
This is Orlando,
you go big or you go
back to Kissimmee!
Do you think when I was
planning Hulk and Linda
Hogan's divorce party
that we decided
to go subtle?
Well, I...
No! The answer's
no, for God's sake!
We went huge!
There was
a trapeze artist,
and the Blue Angels
flew over and
Shakira was there
because they are
not animals.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
You done checked me, boo,
let's do this!
Good.
Will cash be all right?
Do you have $25,000
in cash in your house?
And then some.
Everybody in Orlando
knows you're going broke.
I don't know what
she's talking about.
I got tons of money.
Tons of it!
I got it coming
out of my (BLEEP)
Hey! Calm the (BLEEP) down!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, look!
Oh!
Hi, baby girl!
Hi! Mwah!
Mwah!
BOTH: Mwah!
(BOTH GASP)
Oh!
Oh! Look at you.
You look so...
You look so...
I mean.
You look, you look...
You really try.
You pulled
the old gal together,
didn't you?
Tawny is my best friend
from when we worked
together as stewardesses
at Hooters Airline.
This is. This is.
Yeah!
And when the airline
shut down because
of a chlamydia outbreak,
we remained friends.
And we always will be.
Where's Anthony?
Oh, funny story.
He calls me.
He's on his way to work
and then he says to me,
"No way I'm going
to your friend's party,
I hate those idiots."
(CHUCKLES)
That doesn't sound
funny or like a story.
It's 'cause you don't
get his sense of humor,
but you should hear it,
the way he imitates you,
it's so funny.
(GIGGLES)
I bet if I were there
I would laugh.
Oh, look at this place.
Can you stand it?
Is it not to die?
Oh, my God.
It's so cute! You know
my place is so big...
Oh!
I never know what
to do with it. But this
place is so cute and tiny.
I feel like you
can do so much.
I'm gonna mingle.
Look, hi, sweetie!
This place is so small.
Sometimes I feel like
Shauna's a little
competitive with me.
But I don't want
any drama tonight.
So I'm gonna
confront her about it.
Oh, thank you.
Sweetheart, what?
Spit that out.
Oh, my gosh!
Lord, we thank you
for this artisan
sourdough,
aged gouda
and sun-dried tomato.
In your name,
God bless America.
Amen.
Amanda, where have
you been? I've been
worried about you.
I got lost.
You live next door.
Well, the driveway
is really confusing.
Being in a large
social setting
can really push my sister,
Amanda, over the edge
and back into addiction.
You don't know if
you should take the lawn,
or continue
on the cement...
Why would you
take the lawn?
That's why I felt like
I had to invite her
to the party tonight.
You got like,
claw marks on you.
Look, I know.
There was animals
and I was just seeing
if they could help
guide me back
but they were like...
(IMITATES SNARLING)
VERONICA: Tawny, darling!
Oh, angel!
Oh!
BOTH: Mwah!
Oh, my God, your
body looks amazing!
Oh, stop it!
I heard that you are
training with Heath?
You know he
used to train me.
(CHUCKLES)
Well...(CHUCKLES)
I guess he's moved on
to train someone younger.
Someone who can keep up.
Darling, I can
train all night.
And I train in the butt.
Y'all are not talking
about exercise, right?
Well, our training
is based on love
and respect.
What does your
husband think about
all this training?
(SCOFFS)
(SOBBING)
How dare you bring up
my dying husband!
PHIL: Hey, hon.
Why, you did a bang up
job on this party!
I keep telling Tawny
I'm not dying.
I just have really
bad allergies.
Phil, I told you
not to come down,
get back in bed!
You're the boss!
PHIL: It's sweet.
How much she
worries about me.
(CHUCKLES)
He really could
go at any minute.
You know what?
You don't need
to get defensive.
I really don't want
any drama tonight.
Okay?
This is my charity event.
I'm the one
that doesn't
want the drama.
Ladies, can we please
not do this here?
I do not
want the drama.
Hey, I paid
to not have
the drama.
So, it's my right
to not have
the drama tonight.
You don't own
all the drama...
Tonight, I do!
I was pissed
at Veronica.
But tonight
was about the dogs.
The dogs who
need high heels.
So, I let it go.
Well, let's agree...
...to disagree.
To disagree.
(BOTH)
I was saying that first.
You don't know what I'm going
to say.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you all
for coming.
I started
this charity
because I saw
so many dogs
having to walk
the hot streets
of Orlando
without any protection
on their feet.
But it's also personal.
No.
I wasn't gonna
tell this story but...
(GASPS)
This one time,
I lost my high heels
on the beach.
I had no idea
where they were and...
I was looking
around for them.
Like over a half an hour.
(GASPS)
And it was awful!
It was awful. I told myself
I wasn't going to cry.
Phil, down!
Down, Phil.
So, with your help,
each dog
will receive
their own pair
of high heels.
And for that,
you can be
very proud.
And now,
for your pleasure,
step outside and
see my name written
across the sky.
AMANDA: Really?
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Please. I mean,
don't you think this
is rather cheap?
A dog has four paws.
You give them
one pair of shoes?
Clearly they need
two pairs of shoes.
PHE PHE: Mmm.
I mean,
it's a little tacky.
Mmm.
When I heard
what Veronica said
about the charity,
I thought it would
ruin Tawny's night.
So, it was only
right to tell Tawny.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, what?
Did you call me cheap?
I thought
you wanted
her to know.
I have got
to be Phe Phe.
Okay, you know what?
Yes, I did call you cheap.
Because you know what?
You are only giving
these poor dogs
one pair of shoes.
And they have
four feet.
(SCOFFS)
My husband is dying.
I don't have time
to figure out
how many feet dogs have!
Well, dogs are
like humans.
So, they have two
arms and two legs.
Yeah, that's right.
No!
That's why it's okay
to eat their food.
CRYSTAL: Amanda!
Dogs have four paws.
Paws are considered legs.
That is exactly right.
Shauna, why are
you on her side?
Okay, you're my best
friend, unless you're
just jealous of me.
(SCOFFS)
Jealous of you?
Of what?
I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe because of all my money.
Because everyone in Orlando
knows that you spent
all your husband's money.
And you guys
are going broke.
(GASPS)
That's not true!
That is a rumor
that was spread by someone
who I told that to.
Oh, my God! I got it.
Jesus made dogs
after dinosaurs, right?
So, they could
be our pets.
And Jesus knows
that pets all
have four legs.
Okay, that's insane
What?
But it supports
my argument.
Mmm-mmm. No, no, no.
I have seen a dog
wave its paw.
That means
the paws are hands.
No, I disagree. Because
a dog can wave its foot.
Arms and legs
look very similar.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe to an idiot.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Oh, you need
to calm down.
What did you say to me?
I think you heard me.
You need to
calm down.
Do not tell me
to calm down.
Why don't
you calm down?
You know what?
You both need
to calm down.
No, no, no.
You need to calm down.
(SQUABBLING)
Damn!
(SQUABBLING CONTINUES)
I know you were
on my side, but then you
said the other thing.
I really didn't want
there to be
any drama tonight.
We are going to have
prostitution lessons.
Ahhh! Yay!
Hey, baby, I wanna
eat your (BLEEP).
We're going to have liquor
at an intervention party?
That's tacky.
That's Tallahassee tacky.
I'm screwin'
your wife.
I also got a hand job
from your sister.
Why don't we just
pick a vagina
that you like?
Oh, we have fun.
I do not want any drama...
Arrest all of them.
What, what, what?
I am not leaving!
It is not my fault
that your face can't
handle a little poison.
I don't want to be friends
with any of you bitches.
You're my best friend.
I have never felt
closer to anybody...
Rehab can wait.
Rehab's not
going anywhere.
This is very sad.
It's pathetic.
♪ I don't wanna...
Your drama ♪
I'm an amazing singer.
♪ I don't wanna...
Your drama ♪
We're sisters.
Thank God,
you're back in my life.
Oh, I love you so much.
So, I called you here
today to tell you
we are no longer friends.
No, no.
You're my best friend.
God damn it.
You guys are
all really annoying.
I'm so mad right now.
I'm going to kill you.
Nothing mellows
us out like tequila.
(SCREAMING)
It's not fair!
(SCREAMING)
I'm your friend!
Phil!
Thank God,
my vagina does not
look like that.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Pow!
(SCREAMING)
You know, that kinda
was a lot of drama.
Shalom, it's me.
Matty Green, host of
The Hotwives Cool Down.
Wild first epi of
The Hotwives of Orlando.
I mean, can you believe
that Tawny told Shauna
to calm down?
I know! It doesn't
get crazier than that.
Stay tuned
for my after-show
where my guests,
Rachael Ray
and Donald Rumsfeld,
debate whether dogs'
paws are considered
hands or feet.
And we'll also
play a drinking game
where we find out
why we really
invaded Iraq.
Drink when you hear
the word Guantanamo,
bitches!
Stay tuned.
Orlando is the most
glamorous city in the world.
This is Orlando! You go big,
or you go back to Kissimmee.
MAN: It's a town
of great romance...
Your husband just had sex
with me in the bathroom.
...fabulous parties...
Happy intervention!
...and classy women.
Does anyone have crack?
So, buckle up, it's going
to be one heck of a ride.
(SCREAMS)
You bitch!
VERONICA: I'm all about class,
style and sophistication.
Also, I'm not
wearing underwear.
CRYSTAL:
The Lord is my savior.
My husband is king.
And my body
is redonkadonk.
AMANDA:
I was a child star.
I grew up on TV,
and I plan to die there.
SHAUNA: Money is everything.
I mean,
money isn't everything.
You know, it sounds
weird that way?
PHE PHE:
I always speak my mind.
And my mind thinks...
You're ugly.
TAWNY:
Girls just wanna have fun.
Even when their
husbands are dying.
I'm Tawny Saint John.
I'm just a small town girl
who dreamed of the big life.
And now, here I am.
In Orlando!
And I'm married
to an amazing man, Phil.
We have an
awesome relationship.
Except for the fact
that he's dying.
(VOICE BREAKS)
It's just so hard...
...imagining life
without Phil.
But it's nice to know
that when he's gone...
...I'll have his money
to comfort me.
Take it. Take it.
Take it all.
I refuse to let
Phil's impending
death get me down.
Um, yeah!
That's why working out
with my trainer Heath really
keeps my mind off things.
Right there! Exactly! Exactly!
(LAUGHING)
Whoo! It's hot in here.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
There's also all
my charity work
that keeps me busy.
Like tonight I'm throwing
a huge fundraiser
for my charity,
Classy Canines.
Which provides high heels
for dogs in Orlando.
Anyone who's anyone
in Central Florida
will be there.
SHAUNA: Hon...
Look what I got
for us to wear to
Tawny's charity event.
My name is
Shauna Beducci.
And I love to shop.
Shauna, how much
did you spend?
What're you doing here?
A lot.
Luckily, my husband Anthony
has his own business.
He's an entrepreneurier.
So, he makes lots of
money that I get to spend.
He loves that about me.
What do you do with
these dresses after
you wear 'em once?
Well, I'm not going
to wear them again.
That's disgusting.
Anthony and I have
a great marriage.
Where's the toilet paper
I asked you to get?
Where's the toilet paper?
I forgot.
We don't need it.
I'm going to have to use
your packing paper
to wipe my ass again.
Do you know why I'm getting
purple hemorrhoids?
'Cause of this crap!
You know, he may seem
like this tough guy that's
annoyed at me all the time.
But deep down he's just
a teddy bear that's annoyed
at me all the time.
You're such
a dumb idiot!
I love when you say
romantic things like that.
You're such a little flirt.
Basically, Anthony and I live
a really happy life together
because we respect each other.
Shauna, not now.
It's not our
wedding day, okay?
Also, he knows,
if he ever cheated on me,
I would cut off his dick
and feed it to the raccoons
that live by the railroad!
Girls, come down here.
(GRUMBLES) Stupid...
I got you your
first animal prints.
(GRUMBLES)
Are you kidding me?
We also have four
beautiful daughters.
Come see what
Mommy bought you.
Or is it five?
Shana, Shanti,
Shania...
It's four. No. Yeah.
Other one.
We have four
beautiful daughters.
VERONICA: (SINGSONG)
Darling! Lover!
Where are you?
And what are
you wearing?
I'm Veronica Von Vandervon.
I knew you'd be
in the bedroom.
I'm going to cover
your entire body
with kisses.
Oh! Come here, you.
Oh, you gorgeous thing.
Oh, my love.
(KISSING)
Mmm!
Oh, you're so gorgeous.
This is Lover.
I call him that because
I want a lover that comes
every time I call him.
Did you get it?
I made an orgasm joke.
You know,
because dogs come,
and then men do the
other kind of cumming.
It's kind of a play on words
because I'm so naughty.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you are so beautiful.
Do you need me to
explain that again?
It's coming and cumming.
C-O-M. C-U-M.
Do you know
how much I love you?
(SNICKERS)
Mmm, naughty.
You've probably heard the
Von Vandervon name before.
We're one of Orlando's
oldest and whitest families.
Very well known for our
Hot Holes Heavy Putting
and Snack Shack empire.
These aren't just
regular, poor-people
hot dogs, Miguel, okay?
These are frankfurters that
we cover with a corn shell.
You know what?
(BLEEP) you!
I really don't want
any drama tonight.
I just hope things
aren't going to be
awkward with Tawny,
because her trainer,
Heath, used to train me.
We used to work a lot
on my jaw muscles.
Do you get it?
That was an
oral sex joke.
Cover your ears.
Naughty!
CRYSTAL:
It's hard to believe that
God could make a heaven
more beautiful
than Orlando.
(SIGHS)
Let's give thanks.
Dear God...
Don't let my prayer
keep you from cleaning.
Okay.
I'm Crystal Simmons
and I have the perfect life.
Heavenly Father,
I want to thank
you for Orlando.
God has given me so much.
Health, beauty and a McMansion
in West Central Florida.
I love my back porch.
It's so big and my furniture
goes so well out there.
You know what?
That's gonna streak.
All of that's gonna streak.
Can you just, um...
Can you use
the vinegar mix
I gave you?
Thanks, Zoila.
I love my nails.
I have great nail beds.
Thank you, Lord,
for my nail beds.
My husband TJ adores me.
Okay.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Where are you going?
It's our big
Heels for Dogs
party tonight.
So, I'm going to Phe Phe's
house and meet my sister
and we're going
to get our hair done.
Sweetheart,
you're forgetting,
Leviticus 3:10,
"A woman shall
not leave her husband
in a time of need."
And right now,
I need a tuna melt.
Mmm-hmm.
I don't really read the Bible,
because TJ told me that
women can't interpret it
the way men can,
because it's
written in Jewish.
So, he just tells
me what it says.
I'm only gonna be
gone an hour, okay?
(KISSES)
Don't dillydally.
I'm gonna time you.
Okay.
Text me when you
get to the driveway.
Okay.
And when you
get in the car.
Okay.
Facetime me
when you get there.
Send me an Instagram
or something.
My name is Phe Phe.
Short for...
Phenomenon. Read Esquire.
And I am a lawyer.
I own one of the largest
law practices in Orlando.
But I do not
let that define me.
Because I am also
a cake designer,
a Zumba instructor,
a foot model,
a certified CPA
and an aspiring
taxidermist.
I killed this
bitch myself.
The hardest job I have
is being the wife of
a professional athlete.
Big game tonight, baby.
Team's counting on me.
You are going
to kick ass, baby!
Your man is a baller!
He sure is.
(YELPS)
(LAUGHS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
I love it!
But hanging with
the ladies really gets
my mind off of things.
Like my girl Crystal,
who I met at church...
I'm also an
ordained minister.
Yeah! Yeah!
Hello!
Hey.
Hi. Okay,
I can't stay long,
'cause I don't like to leave
TJ home by himself.
Girl...
I got to be Phe Phe
and speak my mind. Okay?
Your husband is
an (BLEEP) all right?
Also, those shoes make your
feet look like two piglets
stepped into a shot glass.
It's terrible.
That's what I love
about Phe Phe.
She's just gotta
speak her mind.
Even if it's cruel
and unnecessary.
(LAUGHS) She's just
got to be Phe Phe.
Well, where's Amanda?
I'm supposed to meet her here.
Girl, she did not show up.
I am so worried about her.
Your sister is
a broken ass bitch, okay?
And you are a dumb bitch
for messing with her.
I got to be Phe Phe.
I'm speaking my mind.
I'm a true friend.
I'm here to help.
I know.
You know?
I know you are.
Ugh, this is what I do.
Mmm-hmm.
Solve problems.
I'm a dumb bitch.
For real.
My name is
Amanda Simmons.
You might recognize me as
the Florida Prune Juice Girl
from when I was a kid.
Florida Prune Juice.
As easy going in
as it is going out.
"As easy going in
as it is going out."
Pretty!
Those were some
great years. Ugh!
How you doing, Amanda?
I'm great! I'm going
to be happy forever.
(ECHOING)
Forever... Forever...
But I got caught up
in the wild life
that comes with being
a local commercial star.
The last few years,
I've been up to, uh...
(EXHALES)
Well, you know,
I gave meth a whirl.
The best thing that's
happened to me is...
Well, uh...
(LAUGHS) Pass.
I've been clean
and sober now for...
...seven days.
And I'm just hoping
that this show will
get my life together.
My therapist says
it's a terrible idea.
(LAUGHS)
Fired!
No, Crystal,
I am not drinking again.
I am very nervous
about tonight.
I grew up on a set.
So, I just never learned
how to interact with
people socially, you know?
I mean, the prunes
were my friends.
Not a lot of people
can say that.
But when you try
to tell people that,
they don't get it.
You don't get it
till you've lived it.
And I'm the only person
who's been the Florida
Prune Juice Girl and I...
Yes, I promise
I'll be at the party.
(SCOFFS)
I want this couch
to be lavender.
Okay.
This candle is terrible!
This book is wonderful.
I agree.
I like this table
but not a lot.
TAWNY: I'm super excited
for my charity event.
And I've hired Antoine,
the party planner
to the Orlando stars.
These chandeliers
are making me weep.
This one for good,
that one for bad.
I got it.
Now, listen, darling,
I will need $25,000
deposit for the sky writer.
Whoa, sky writer?
We already have
Cirque du Soleil performers,
passing apps in
a floating sushi bar.
This is Orlando,
you go big or you go
back to Kissimmee!
Do you think when I was
planning Hulk and Linda
Hogan's divorce party
that we decided
to go subtle?
Well, I...
No! The answer's
no, for God's sake!
We went huge!
There was
a trapeze artist,
and the Blue Angels
flew over and
Shakira was there
because they are
not animals.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
You done checked me, boo,
let's do this!
Good.
Will cash be all right?
Do you have $25,000
in cash in your house?
And then some.
Everybody in Orlando
knows you're going broke.
I don't know what
she's talking about.
I got tons of money.
Tons of it!
I got it coming
out of my (BLEEP)
Hey! Calm the (BLEEP) down!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, look!
Oh!
Hi, baby girl!
Hi! Mwah!
Mwah!
BOTH: Mwah!
(BOTH GASP)
Oh!
Oh! Look at you.
You look so...
You look so...
I mean.
You look, you look...
You really try.
You pulled
the old gal together,
didn't you?
Tawny is my best friend
from when we worked
together as stewardesses
at Hooters Airline.
This is. This is.
Yeah!
And when the airline
shut down because
of a chlamydia outbreak,
we remained friends.
And we always will be.
Where's Anthony?
Oh, funny story.
He calls me.
He's on his way to work
and then he says to me,
"No way I'm going
to your friend's party,
I hate those idiots."
(CHUCKLES)
That doesn't sound
funny or like a story.
It's 'cause you don't
get his sense of humor,
but you should hear it,
the way he imitates you,
it's so funny.
(GIGGLES)
I bet if I were there
I would laugh.
Oh, look at this place.
Can you stand it?
Is it not to die?
Oh, my God.
It's so cute! You know
my place is so big...
Oh!
I never know what
to do with it. But this
place is so cute and tiny.
I feel like you
can do so much.
I'm gonna mingle.
Look, hi, sweetie!
This place is so small.
Sometimes I feel like
Shauna's a little
competitive with me.
But I don't want
any drama tonight.
So I'm gonna
confront her about it.
Oh, thank you.
Sweetheart, what?
Spit that out.
Oh, my gosh!
Lord, we thank you
for this artisan
sourdough,
aged gouda
and sun-dried tomato.
In your name,
God bless America.
Amen.
Amanda, where have
you been? I've been
worried about you.
I got lost.
You live next door.
Well, the driveway
is really confusing.
Being in a large
social setting
can really push my sister,
Amanda, over the edge
and back into addiction.
You don't know if
you should take the lawn,
or continue
on the cement...
Why would you
take the lawn?
That's why I felt like
I had to invite her
to the party tonight.
You got like,
claw marks on you.
Look, I know.
There was animals
and I was just seeing
if they could help
guide me back
but they were like...
(IMITATES SNARLING)
VERONICA: Tawny, darling!
Oh, angel!
Oh!
BOTH: Mwah!
Oh, my God, your
body looks amazing!
Oh, stop it!
I heard that you are
training with Heath?
You know he
used to train me.
(CHUCKLES)
Well...(CHUCKLES)
I guess he's moved on
to train someone younger.
Someone who can keep up.
Darling, I can
train all night.
And I train in the butt.
Y'all are not talking
about exercise, right?
Well, our training
is based on love
and respect.
What does your
husband think about
all this training?
(SCOFFS)
(SOBBING)
How dare you bring up
my dying husband!
PHIL: Hey, hon.
Why, you did a bang up
job on this party!
I keep telling Tawny
I'm not dying.
I just have really
bad allergies.
Phil, I told you
not to come down,
get back in bed!
You're the boss!
PHIL: It's sweet.
How much she
worries about me.
(CHUCKLES)
He really could
go at any minute.
You know what?
You don't need
to get defensive.
I really don't want
any drama tonight.
Okay?
This is my charity event.
I'm the one
that doesn't
want the drama.
Ladies, can we please
not do this here?
I do not
want the drama.
Hey, I paid
to not have
the drama.
So, it's my right
to not have
the drama tonight.
You don't own
all the drama...
Tonight, I do!
I was pissed
at Veronica.
But tonight
was about the dogs.
The dogs who
need high heels.
So, I let it go.
Well, let's agree...
...to disagree.
To disagree.
(BOTH)
I was saying that first.
You don't know what I'm going
to say.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you all
for coming.
I started
this charity
because I saw
so many dogs
having to walk
the hot streets
of Orlando
without any protection
on their feet.
But it's also personal.
No.
I wasn't gonna
tell this story but...
(GASPS)
This one time,
I lost my high heels
on the beach.
I had no idea
where they were and...
I was looking
around for them.
Like over a half an hour.
(GASPS)
And it was awful!
It was awful. I told myself
I wasn't going to cry.
Phil, down!
Down, Phil.
So, with your help,
each dog
will receive
their own pair
of high heels.
And for that,
you can be
very proud.
And now,
for your pleasure,
step outside and
see my name written
across the sky.
AMANDA: Really?
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Please. I mean,
don't you think this
is rather cheap?
A dog has four paws.
You give them
one pair of shoes?
Clearly they need
two pairs of shoes.
PHE PHE: Mmm.
I mean,
it's a little tacky.
Mmm.
When I heard
what Veronica said
about the charity,
I thought it would
ruin Tawny's night.
So, it was only
right to tell Tawny.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, what?
Did you call me cheap?
I thought
you wanted
her to know.
I have got
to be Phe Phe.
Okay, you know what?
Yes, I did call you cheap.
Because you know what?
You are only giving
these poor dogs
one pair of shoes.
And they have
four feet.
(SCOFFS)
My husband is dying.
I don't have time
to figure out
how many feet dogs have!
Well, dogs are
like humans.
So, they have two
arms and two legs.
Yeah, that's right.
No!
That's why it's okay
to eat their food.
CRYSTAL: Amanda!
Dogs have four paws.
Paws are considered legs.
That is exactly right.
Shauna, why are
you on her side?
Okay, you're my best
friend, unless you're
just jealous of me.
(SCOFFS)
Jealous of you?
Of what?
I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe because of all my money.
Because everyone in Orlando
knows that you spent
all your husband's money.
And you guys
are going broke.
(GASPS)
That's not true!
That is a rumor
that was spread by someone
who I told that to.
Oh, my God! I got it.
Jesus made dogs
after dinosaurs, right?
So, they could
be our pets.
And Jesus knows
that pets all
have four legs.
Okay, that's insane
What?
But it supports
my argument.
Mmm-mmm. No, no, no.
I have seen a dog
wave its paw.
That means
the paws are hands.
No, I disagree. Because
a dog can wave its foot.
Arms and legs
look very similar.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe to an idiot.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Oh, you need
to calm down.
What did you say to me?
I think you heard me.
You need to
calm down.
Do not tell me
to calm down.
Why don't
you calm down?
You know what?
You both need
to calm down.
No, no, no.
You need to calm down.
(SQUABBLING)
Damn!
(SQUABBLING CONTINUES)
I know you were
on my side, but then you
said the other thing.
I really didn't want
there to be
any drama tonight.
We are going to have
prostitution lessons.
Ahhh! Yay!
Hey, baby, I wanna
eat your (BLEEP).
We're going to have liquor
at an intervention party?
That's tacky.
That's Tallahassee tacky.
I'm screwin'
your wife.
I also got a hand job
from your sister.
Why don't we just
pick a vagina
that you like?
Oh, we have fun.
I do not want any drama...
Arrest all of them.
What, what, what?
I am not leaving!
It is not my fault
that your face can't
handle a little poison.
I don't want to be friends
with any of you bitches.
You're my best friend.
I have never felt
closer to anybody...
Rehab can wait.
Rehab's not
going anywhere.
This is very sad.
It's pathetic.
♪ I don't wanna...
Your drama ♪
I'm an amazing singer.
♪ I don't wanna...
Your drama ♪
We're sisters.
Thank God,
you're back in my life.
Oh, I love you so much.
So, I called you here
today to tell you
we are no longer friends.
No, no.
You're my best friend.
God damn it.
You guys are
all really annoying.
I'm so mad right now.
I'm going to kill you.
Nothing mellows
us out like tequila.
(SCREAMING)
It's not fair!
(SCREAMING)
I'm your friend!
Phil!
Thank God,
my vagina does not
look like that.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Pow!
(SCREAMING)
You know, that kinda
was a lot of drama.
Shalom, it's me.
Matty Green, host of
The Hotwives Cool Down.
Wild first epi of
The Hotwives of Orlando.
I mean, can you believe
that Tawny told Shauna
to calm down?
I know! It doesn't
get crazier than that.
Stay tuned
for my after-show
where my guests,
Rachael Ray
and Donald Rumsfeld,
debate whether dogs'
paws are considered
hands or feet.
And we'll also
play a drinking game
where we find out
why we really
invaded Iraq.
Drink when you hear
the word Guantanamo,
bitches!
Stay tuned.