The Hotwives of Orlando (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
It's hard to believe that
God could make a heaven
more beautiful
than Orlando.
MATTY G: It's been
a season of drama...
I really don't want
any drama tonight.
I do not want
drama this weekend.
MATTY G: ...filled
with highs and lows.
Oh!
Yeah!
Oh, my God.
Oh!
I think he's dead.
You know what?
(BLEEP) you!
MATTY G:
But now it's time
to calm down...
Do not tell me
to calm down.
Calm down, bitch!
Oh, you need
to calm down.
(SCREAMING)
MATTY G:
...because we're
gonna catch up
with the hotwives
of Orlando.
Shalom, and welcome to
The Hotwives of Orlando
Reunion Special.
I'm Matty Greene, and
we are coming to you
live from Orlando's oldest
and most upscale restaurant,
Papa Paul's Pizzeria Palace.
(ALL CHEERING)
I am joined by
all the hotwives.
Welcome, ladies.
ALL: Hi, Matty.
Hi, Tawny.
Hi, Matty.
Looking good.
Veronica, you look
glamorous, as uge.
Well, you know
I'm a glamourpuss.
Especially in my...
Okay, Shauna, hello.
What do you
mean by that?
♪ Miss Phe Phe ♪
♪ Always ♪
(LAUGHING)
Crystal, how are you?
My life is perfect.
Amanda, knock-knock.
Oh, uh, who's...
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda you.
You are Amanda.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Matty, you're bad.
All right. To start off,
everyone wants to
know the status
of our favorite frenemies.
What is going on
with Tawny and Shawna?
Well, Matty, I love Shawna
with all of my heart,
and things were
going great for us
when the show ended,
but then I don't even
know what happened.
She stopped talking
to me for no reason.
I stopped talking to her
'cause she tweeted that
I was a psychopath.
And then I googled that
word and found out
it was not very nice.
I did that because on
her blog she wrote
that I was a whore.
I only blogged that
because she went
on Instagram
and posted a photo of me
that was not flattering.
I only did that because
on Foursquare she checked
into a Ruby Tuesday's,
and she knows I have
been banned there for life.
Okay, those sound like
completely irreconcilable
differences,
so let's move on
to you, Amanda.
You have recently
been in rehab.
How's that been going?
Well, it was going
really, really good.
And, uh, then the
producers said that
I was contractually
obligated to be here
tonight.
And just being out,
I already am desperate
to drink again.
Well, we really hope
that you get the help
that you need.
I was, until now.
Great. Now, let's get on
to some viewer questions.
Ooh.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Kimberly from
Omaha, Nebraska says,
"Ladies, I absolutely
love you guys..."
Oh, Kimberly!
(ALL SQUEALING)
"...but the amount of
plastic surgery that you've
all had is disgusting.
"Seriously, you all
look like monsters."
Well, that's not really
a question, Kim.
(CHUCKLES)
And I never had
any plastic surgery.
I had some implants
and some Botox,
but that's not
plastic surgery.
TAWNY: I've had
a face implant,
I've had a stapling,
I've had parts of
my body, you know...
Okay, I'm going to say...
I am gonna say
that that is...
All of these things
are plastic surgery.
No, when you take your butt
and put it on your face,
that's not surgery.
That is your butt
on your face.
No, that is surgery 'cause
you did it through surgery.
No.
Great question,
Kimberly.
Moving on.
Viewer Maggie Lawford from
Valdosta, Georgia writes,
"Crystal, you aren't
very nice to your sister.
"The way you constantly
attacked her made you
out to be a real bully."
I would agree
with that.
I agree.
I would agree with that.
I have something that I
really have to tell you guys.
Oh, my gosh.
There was a reason why
I acted so horribly.
Oh.
When we were
filming the show,
I was suffering from
a serious disorder.
VERONICA:
Oh, darling.
Get to her, get to her.
She needs you.
This is so hard for me
to share. It's called
restless leg syndrome.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh...
You know, it's like God
has given me so much.
(SOBBING) But then he
took away my steady legs.
Oh, that's not fair.
Wow. I think the women
are just as shocked as I am.
If you watch some of
the episodes, you can
totally see it.
We actually have
some of that footage.
Let's roll that clip.
...You know?
(LAUGHING)
Ah!
AMANDA: Hi, Crystal.
There's something...
Oh!
That's why I don't
even like driveways.
I don't think
we should... Ah!
Ah!
Wow. Now, Crystal,
it seems like your disorder
is just you beating up
your sister.
It's restless
leg syndrome.
Okay. Let's move on.
Now, there's been
an interesting rumor
circulating online
about you, Veronica,
that you're not British.
Care to address that?
I never said
I was British.
Really? You...
You are not British?
No. Why would you
think I'm British?
Well, your affectation,
your accent.
Okay, Matty,
when you're white
and you're rich,
you sound like
you're British.
Okay, and let's go
to another question.
This one from Dora Finnegan
of San Jose, who says,
"One of the most touching
moments of the season
"was when Veronica
counseled Phe Phe
about her marriage."
It's very difficult
in a marriage to
rebuild your trust.
I feel so close to you.
I have never felt
closer to anybody...
Did that bring
you two closer?
I mean, I would
definitely say so.
I mean, Veronica
is my girl.
Well, Matty, I mean,
that's what I thought
until I actually
watched the episode,
and I found Phe Phe
to be quite two-faced.
In fact, she said
in a testimonial
that the doctor
completely botched
my vaginal lift.
No. I never said that.
Yes. Yes. You said that.
Didn't say it.
Well, you know what?
Let's take a look at the
footage we have right here.
Let's see it.
That doctor really
botched her vagina up.
Wow. So it looks like
you actually did say it.
Okay, you know this
better than anybody.
That is editing.
That is all editing.
What I said was,
"Some people might say
"that the doctor
botched her vagina up."
But I think it looks good.
Actually, we have that
footage as well.
Let's take a look.
Let me be clear.
I am not saying that
other people might think
it looks botched.
I am saying that
I, Phe Phe, think
it looks botched.
No, no. Okay.
But they cut around
the part where I said,
"I wish that my vagina
still looked half
as good as hers."
All right, let's see.
Thank God my vagina
does not look like that.
It is crazy up in there.
When I say "crazy"
I mean "crazy" like
we say it in the hood.
Like, "crazy good".
I don't mean "crazy"
like "good crazy".
I mean that shit
is (BLEEP) up.
Like somebody stapled
that (BLEEP) closed
or something.
(GASPS)
This is editing,
okay?
Well, I'm glad we could
clear that up.
Oh, really?
You're here.
Uh-huh.
We're going to have
to do a little bit of
editing of our own
as we take
a commercial break.
(LAUGHING)
But when we come back,
we will have
the hot husbands
of Orlando joining us.
Stay tuned.
So do we still have
to sit here?
Shut up!
Can I hear from
this section!
(WHOOPING)
Why the sunglasses?
My clients have
a lot of husbands.
Well, our hotwives
would be nothing without
their hot husbands,
and we have them all
here tonight, and one
of their trainers.
Welcome, gentlemen.
So, let's just talk about
the elephant in the room.
I'm of course talking
about Anthony.
Now, Anthony, you...
You callin' me
an elephant?
I'm not talking about
a literal elephant.
I am actually talking
about the handcuffs
that you're wearing.
Oh, 'cause elephants
wear handcuffs all the time.
Well, no, that you are
clearly in prison right now
for the fraud that
you committed.
Allegedly.
SHAUNA: No.
No, no, no. We did it.
I'm proud of
what we did.
Fraud is hard.
You know, there are things
like murder that are easy,
but fraud, you gotta be
smart to do what we did.
So you're admitting now,
on national television,
that you also were
part of the fraud?
Oh, I was the brains
behind the operation.
You know, behind every good
man is a woman with hot tits.
So now, has prison
been hard on you?
Well, I'll be
honest, Matty.
The time that I've spent
away from Shauna and
my four or five kids
has been the happiest
time of my life.
Wow. Really?
I mean, there's
no bills to pay,
I get
three squares a day.
The women are hot.
Excuse me?
Wait, now, the women?
Uh, there are no women
in a men's prison.
Well, Matty, I'm...
I'm having...
There's no women?
Uh, no.
'Cause they have female
prisons and male prisons.
Good to know.
Boom.
Well, besides Shauna
and Anthony,
the other couple that was
the talk of the show was
Phil and Tawny.
MATTY G: Hi.
Hey, Matty. Hey.
Great to
have you here.
Great to be here, Matty.
Thanks for having me.
Now, Tawny, here's a question
from one of our viewers from
Highland Park, Illinois.
She writes, "Why don't
you just leave Phil?
"It's clear you're just
with him for the money."
Oh, that's
a good question.
(SIGHING)
Wow.
Um, Matty...
You know, during this season
I received a lot of tweets
from people who said
I was a gold-digger.
I only tweeted that once.
And, you know,
it was true.
I was using Phil
for his money,
which is why
I've divorced him.
PHE PHE: Oh, my God.
Good girl. Good girl.
Good girl.
ANTHONY: Wow.
Wow.
That's right. Phil
and I are divorced,
and I am actually
making my own...
My own money,
for once in my life.
MATTY G: Wow.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Wow. Very good.
Very good.
So, I don't have to rely
on a man any longer.
That is so wonderful.
Oh, good for you.
I'm so proud of you.
Good for you.
Now what are you doing
to make that money?
I am an escort.
Oh.
So, sisters doin' it
for themselves.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Now, an escort is
kind of like a prostitute.
No. Matty.
No, I'm a call girl.
You know, after the
prostitution lessons
I said to myself,
"Girl, you good at this."
(LAUGHS) You know?
When you have a calling,
you're just... You know,
like you say.
"Girl, you good at it."
I don't. I never.
She says it more like,
(DRAWING OUT WORDS)
"Girl, you good at it."
No, she says,
"Girl, you good at it."
(ALL IMITATING PHE PHE)
What I say?
"Girl..."
That is right.
MATTY G: "You good..."
"Not on my watch."
Yes. Yes. Yes.
"You good at it."
Yes. Yes.
"Good at it."
So no more gold-digging
for Tawny.
That is right.
No one can ever accuse
me of sleeping with
an older man
for money for
as long as I live.
Well, now, that's exactly
what you're doing, right?
Yeah. That is exactly
what you're doing.
Yeah, that's the
definition of...
Textbook definition
of it, actually.
Let's call a whore
a whore.
Stop. Stop bullying me.
Look at those whore hands.
I don't have to take this.
I don't have to take this,
and I won't.
Okay, Tawny is out.
And you just try
to stop me.
Everybody try
to stop me.
'Cause I'll go.
I'll get gone.
Know what? I'm out.
I'm out. I'm out!
Is there something
to eat?
Oh, my God.
I'm hungry too.
Okay. Moving on,
let's get to Amanda...
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
Just... You know what?
I'm back, I'm back.
You know why I'm back?
I am back because
I am the bigger person.
Continue. No, continue.
Everybody, continue.
MATTY G: Well, let's
get back to Amanda.
Now, Amanda,
the last time we saw you,
you were getting married.
(SHUTTER CLICKING)
Right, uh, see,
I sobered up,
and realized that I'm only
gay when I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, me too.
I'm exactly
like that.
Yeah? Yeah.
Exactly.
So, anyways, you know,
if I start drinking again,
I can guarantee it,
I'll definitely get back
up on those tits
and get up on 'em hard,
'cause they were...
They were pretty great.
Well, I'm sure Jo
is hoping that you do
fall off the wagon.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Matty.
AMANDA: She was special.
She's the only person that
ever really showed me love.
Well, you've actually
had a lot of people
show you love,
and you had multiple
partners this season.
Let's take a look.
Mmm. Mmm.
(COOING)
I mean, I can't believe
you made out with Lover.
That was my baby.
Well, maybe you shouldn't
have dressed him up
so sexy to tempt me.
Are you saying Lover
was asking for it?
He was a sexy dog.
That doesn't mean you
make out with him.
You just said it.
He was a sexy dog.
He was a sexy dog,
but he was my sexy dog.
Well, you weren't there.
Well, speaking of people
that are always there,
Billy, how are you?
I'm great. I just
passed all my midterms,
uh, so Veronica's
taking me to Fiji.
My mom said
I could go, so score.
(LAUGHS) Now, Veronica,
there seems to be
a lot of discussion
about the age difference.
What do you
feel about that?
You know, he's
not that much
older than I am.
Oh. Oh.
Do you know
what I mean?
No, it's the other way.
ALL: Other way.
Oh, that's...
Okay, well, I'm actually
surprised that you would
all say that,
because most people
think that I'm much
younger than he is.
What?
What people? Where? Who?
We're talking
about him.
Take it easy.
You don't tell my
husband what to do.
You don't tell
my husband.
Get your finger
out of my face.
Get your finger
out of my face.
BOTH: Get your finger
out of my face!
Get your finger
out of my face!
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Can I just say
one thing?
Billy and I have some
very exciting news.
Um, as you all know,
I've always wanted
to be a mum,
but we have many
generations of
madness in my family.
So we are adopting
a child.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, shalom.
Almost as good as
the real ones.
Yeah, he's a little
boy from Africa,
and, you know, we're
fostering him right
now, but hopefully,
he'll be coming home
to us very soon.
I think we actually
have a picture. Can we
pull up that picture?
PHE PHE: Oh, good Lord.
BILLY: There he is.
Oh, isn't he so cute?
He's so cute.
VERONICA: Couldn't you
just eat him up?
Well, obviously, I'm
going to breastfeed.
It's a big commitment,
but I'm willing to
take that on.
Attachment parenting,
as I'm sure you guys know,
it's very instructive
for a child.
You're gonna stick
your tit in his face?
Yes, I'm going to stick
both of them in his face.
I think that, as a mother,
I need to do what's right
for, uh, Chikangwow.
Unsolicited tip.
That man will rip your
new vagina. Be careful.
Seriously?
Be careful.
Well, it seems like you two
are as solid as ever.
And when we get back from
our commercial break,
we're gonna talk about
a couple that isn't
so solid,
which means their
relationship is a failure,
and they'll probably
die alone.
That's got to be
Phe Phe.
I have got
to be Phe Phe.
I got to be Phe Phe.
♪ I'm so good at
bein' Phe Phe ♪
(VOCALIZING)
Welcome back to
The Hotwives of Orlando
Reunion Special.
Our hotwives are here
with their hot husbands,
everyone except for Phe Phe,
who's here alone.
VERONICA: Aw.
All alone.
Now, Phe Phe, this season
you and Rodney went through
a lot of ups and downs.
You divorced,
you were remarried,
and then you were re-divorced.
Where do you stand now?
Well, we got re-remarried.
But then he had sex
with my manicurist,
so we got divorced again.
But I'm not ruling out
a reconciliation, you know?
Divorce is what makes
our marriage work.
Speaking of making it work,
TJ and Crystal,
what's new with you two?
Oh, thanks for asking.
You know, we're
really excited.
We got a new sitcom on
the Christian Broadcast
Network.
It's based on our lives.
Now, you guys are working
with Kirk Cameron on this?
CRYSTAL: Yes.
I met him at a Christian
rock climbing wall.
It's based on us
because we're so funny
together, y'all.
We are a fun, funny
relationship. Mmm-hmm.
That's what
the show's about.
Exactly, you know...
Woman, do I get a word
in edgewise or what?
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Close your yapper.
Okay, I'm sorry.
MEN: Whoa, whoa.
See what I mean?
We are so funny!
The premise, it's actually
a take on the old
I Dream of Jeannie.
Real funny. I keep
her in a room that
looks like a bottle.
Yeah.
And then she has to
do stuff I tell her.
Yeah, and it's called
Crystal, Are You Clear?
(TJ LAUGHING)
That's like
his catchphrase.
He's always like,
"Crystal, are you clear?"
I'm always saying that.
Because sometimes
I just don't listen.
"Don't make me get
the brush, Crystal."
Get the brush?
I just whack her
on the calf with a
wooden hairbrush.
CRYSTAL: Just a little bit.
Just a little bit.
Well, it's really great
to see that you guys are
getting along so well.
But let's move away from that,
and into viewer mail.
Alli from Orlando writes,
"Tawny, I love how you dress.
"Where do you get
those outfits?
"Also, do you know that Heath
one time slept with Amanda?"
What?
It was before the dog.
Before she was with the dog.
I don't remember,
but if I did, I just...
Thank you so much, Heath.
Thank you so much.
That was a great
question from our friend
Alli in Orlando.
That person sounds
familiar to me.
Could that be Alli,
my best friend?
It is. She's stirring
up trouble still,
even when she's
not in the room.
Let's bring out
Crystal's friend, Alli.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Hi, girls!
(SQUEALING)
I missed you.
Make some room...
MATTY G: They don't...
No, they don't want...
You know what, that's okay.
I'm gonna head to the
other couch.
ALLI: Not another
skinny lady...
Ow! Ow, Allie. Ow.
Mmm. (LAUGHS)
I'm just gonna...
Here we go.
Here's my spot.
I'm cozy.
Now, Alli, you seem
to have started
every single fight
this entire season.
Thank you.
Now, if you could do it
again, would you do it
any differently?
Absolutely, you know,
I really would.
Like, I've learned my
lesson, you know?
Like, I wouldn't tell you
that Anderson Cooper is a
better gay host than you.
But you actually
just did say that.
No, I was being a really
good friend by not saying it.
MATTY G: Well, let's
figure it out next season.
When I will be joining you
as the newest hotwife!
What?
No you won't.
Mmm, you never know.
Well, I produce
the show, so I do.
You will not be a hotwife.
Or will I?
You'll never be a hotwife.
Now, when we come back,
we'll get the answers to
our online quiz,
where you'll find out which
hotwife is matched up
to which STD
they're getting currently
treated for.
WOMEN: Ooh!
Chlamydia.
Shauna told me she has
more than any of you.
What?
This is my daughter's
fifth birthday.
I want her to own
this place and feel like
she owns you.
SHANA: Mommy, why do we
have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shana.
Welcome back.
One last question.
Shauna,
if you go to jail
because you admitted
your guilt on this
reunion special,
who will take care
of your children?
Uh, well, I consider
these women my family.
They're the closest,
most wonderful people
in the world.
So, of course, they should
go to someone here,
and I want to say that,
Tawny, you're my best friend,
and I want you to have my
kids if I go to jail.
That means so much to me.
I love you so much.
I can't take them,
unfortunately. I'm so
busy with my new job.
Unless your four or five
kids need an escort.
Um, okay. Then next
I would go to Crystal.
I think you should
have my kids.
Oh, my gosh.
I would love to,
but we're just so busy
with the new show.
And also, I don't want to.
Okay, then Phe Phe.
Oh, hell no. I don't
want them feral-ass kids.
(GASPS) Shauna,
Phe Phe just called
your kids feral.
Is that good or bad?
It's bad!
I'm your best friend!
Don't you dare talk
about my family!
Hey, let's take it
easy, okay?
Phe Phe was just saying,
you know, your kids are wild.
Just calm down.
What did you say to me?
What did you say to me?
I will not calm down!
(THUD)
Ow. This is very heavy.
All right, well, let
me at least help you.
Okay, put your leg...
Careful.
Yeah. Lift with your legs.
There we go.
Don't you dare tell
me to calm down!
You get your finger
out of my face.
Yeah? Well, you
started this.
(ALL SHOUTING)
Everybody, just chill.
Just take a deep
breath, and... Ow!
(GROANING)
Dude, you all right?
Hey, Phil.
Hey, get some help here.
PHIL: Tawny, I love you.
Phil, we are not getting
back together. (GRUNTS)
Phil. Phil?
(GASPS)
He's gone.
He's... Phil!
Someone get help!
No! Phil!
I should never have
divorced Phil.
I was so close to
being a rich widow.
I was so close. (BLEEP)
(SOBBING)
Thanks for joining us tonight
on The Hotwives of Orlando
Reunion Special.
I think we should celebrate
this season with a toast.
ALL: Oh.
Oh, boy.
To Orlando.
ALL: To Orlando.
God could make a heaven
more beautiful
than Orlando.
MATTY G: It's been
a season of drama...
I really don't want
any drama tonight.
I do not want
drama this weekend.
MATTY G: ...filled
with highs and lows.
Oh!
Yeah!
Oh, my God.
Oh!
I think he's dead.
You know what?
(BLEEP) you!
MATTY G:
But now it's time
to calm down...
Do not tell me
to calm down.
Calm down, bitch!
Oh, you need
to calm down.
(SCREAMING)
MATTY G:
...because we're
gonna catch up
with the hotwives
of Orlando.
Shalom, and welcome to
The Hotwives of Orlando
Reunion Special.
I'm Matty Greene, and
we are coming to you
live from Orlando's oldest
and most upscale restaurant,
Papa Paul's Pizzeria Palace.
(ALL CHEERING)
I am joined by
all the hotwives.
Welcome, ladies.
ALL: Hi, Matty.
Hi, Tawny.
Hi, Matty.
Looking good.
Veronica, you look
glamorous, as uge.
Well, you know
I'm a glamourpuss.
Especially in my...
Okay, Shauna, hello.
What do you
mean by that?
♪ Miss Phe Phe ♪
♪ Always ♪
(LAUGHING)
Crystal, how are you?
My life is perfect.
Amanda, knock-knock.
Oh, uh, who's...
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda you.
You are Amanda.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Matty, you're bad.
All right. To start off,
everyone wants to
know the status
of our favorite frenemies.
What is going on
with Tawny and Shawna?
Well, Matty, I love Shawna
with all of my heart,
and things were
going great for us
when the show ended,
but then I don't even
know what happened.
She stopped talking
to me for no reason.
I stopped talking to her
'cause she tweeted that
I was a psychopath.
And then I googled that
word and found out
it was not very nice.
I did that because on
her blog she wrote
that I was a whore.
I only blogged that
because she went
on Instagram
and posted a photo of me
that was not flattering.
I only did that because
on Foursquare she checked
into a Ruby Tuesday's,
and she knows I have
been banned there for life.
Okay, those sound like
completely irreconcilable
differences,
so let's move on
to you, Amanda.
You have recently
been in rehab.
How's that been going?
Well, it was going
really, really good.
And, uh, then the
producers said that
I was contractually
obligated to be here
tonight.
And just being out,
I already am desperate
to drink again.
Well, we really hope
that you get the help
that you need.
I was, until now.
Great. Now, let's get on
to some viewer questions.
Ooh.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Kimberly from
Omaha, Nebraska says,
"Ladies, I absolutely
love you guys..."
Oh, Kimberly!
(ALL SQUEALING)
"...but the amount of
plastic surgery that you've
all had is disgusting.
"Seriously, you all
look like monsters."
Well, that's not really
a question, Kim.
(CHUCKLES)
And I never had
any plastic surgery.
I had some implants
and some Botox,
but that's not
plastic surgery.
TAWNY: I've had
a face implant,
I've had a stapling,
I've had parts of
my body, you know...
Okay, I'm going to say...
I am gonna say
that that is...
All of these things
are plastic surgery.
No, when you take your butt
and put it on your face,
that's not surgery.
That is your butt
on your face.
No, that is surgery 'cause
you did it through surgery.
No.
Great question,
Kimberly.
Moving on.
Viewer Maggie Lawford from
Valdosta, Georgia writes,
"Crystal, you aren't
very nice to your sister.
"The way you constantly
attacked her made you
out to be a real bully."
I would agree
with that.
I agree.
I would agree with that.
I have something that I
really have to tell you guys.
Oh, my gosh.
There was a reason why
I acted so horribly.
Oh.
When we were
filming the show,
I was suffering from
a serious disorder.
VERONICA:
Oh, darling.
Get to her, get to her.
She needs you.
This is so hard for me
to share. It's called
restless leg syndrome.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh...
You know, it's like God
has given me so much.
(SOBBING) But then he
took away my steady legs.
Oh, that's not fair.
Wow. I think the women
are just as shocked as I am.
If you watch some of
the episodes, you can
totally see it.
We actually have
some of that footage.
Let's roll that clip.
...You know?
(LAUGHING)
Ah!
AMANDA: Hi, Crystal.
There's something...
Oh!
That's why I don't
even like driveways.
I don't think
we should... Ah!
Ah!
Wow. Now, Crystal,
it seems like your disorder
is just you beating up
your sister.
It's restless
leg syndrome.
Okay. Let's move on.
Now, there's been
an interesting rumor
circulating online
about you, Veronica,
that you're not British.
Care to address that?
I never said
I was British.
Really? You...
You are not British?
No. Why would you
think I'm British?
Well, your affectation,
your accent.
Okay, Matty,
when you're white
and you're rich,
you sound like
you're British.
Okay, and let's go
to another question.
This one from Dora Finnegan
of San Jose, who says,
"One of the most touching
moments of the season
"was when Veronica
counseled Phe Phe
about her marriage."
It's very difficult
in a marriage to
rebuild your trust.
I feel so close to you.
I have never felt
closer to anybody...
Did that bring
you two closer?
I mean, I would
definitely say so.
I mean, Veronica
is my girl.
Well, Matty, I mean,
that's what I thought
until I actually
watched the episode,
and I found Phe Phe
to be quite two-faced.
In fact, she said
in a testimonial
that the doctor
completely botched
my vaginal lift.
No. I never said that.
Yes. Yes. You said that.
Didn't say it.
Well, you know what?
Let's take a look at the
footage we have right here.
Let's see it.
That doctor really
botched her vagina up.
Wow. So it looks like
you actually did say it.
Okay, you know this
better than anybody.
That is editing.
That is all editing.
What I said was,
"Some people might say
"that the doctor
botched her vagina up."
But I think it looks good.
Actually, we have that
footage as well.
Let's take a look.
Let me be clear.
I am not saying that
other people might think
it looks botched.
I am saying that
I, Phe Phe, think
it looks botched.
No, no. Okay.
But they cut around
the part where I said,
"I wish that my vagina
still looked half
as good as hers."
All right, let's see.
Thank God my vagina
does not look like that.
It is crazy up in there.
When I say "crazy"
I mean "crazy" like
we say it in the hood.
Like, "crazy good".
I don't mean "crazy"
like "good crazy".
I mean that shit
is (BLEEP) up.
Like somebody stapled
that (BLEEP) closed
or something.
(GASPS)
This is editing,
okay?
Well, I'm glad we could
clear that up.
Oh, really?
You're here.
Uh-huh.
We're going to have
to do a little bit of
editing of our own
as we take
a commercial break.
(LAUGHING)
But when we come back,
we will have
the hot husbands
of Orlando joining us.
Stay tuned.
So do we still have
to sit here?
Shut up!
Can I hear from
this section!
(WHOOPING)
Why the sunglasses?
My clients have
a lot of husbands.
Well, our hotwives
would be nothing without
their hot husbands,
and we have them all
here tonight, and one
of their trainers.
Welcome, gentlemen.
So, let's just talk about
the elephant in the room.
I'm of course talking
about Anthony.
Now, Anthony, you...
You callin' me
an elephant?
I'm not talking about
a literal elephant.
I am actually talking
about the handcuffs
that you're wearing.
Oh, 'cause elephants
wear handcuffs all the time.
Well, no, that you are
clearly in prison right now
for the fraud that
you committed.
Allegedly.
SHAUNA: No.
No, no, no. We did it.
I'm proud of
what we did.
Fraud is hard.
You know, there are things
like murder that are easy,
but fraud, you gotta be
smart to do what we did.
So you're admitting now,
on national television,
that you also were
part of the fraud?
Oh, I was the brains
behind the operation.
You know, behind every good
man is a woman with hot tits.
So now, has prison
been hard on you?
Well, I'll be
honest, Matty.
The time that I've spent
away from Shauna and
my four or five kids
has been the happiest
time of my life.
Wow. Really?
I mean, there's
no bills to pay,
I get
three squares a day.
The women are hot.
Excuse me?
Wait, now, the women?
Uh, there are no women
in a men's prison.
Well, Matty, I'm...
I'm having...
There's no women?
Uh, no.
'Cause they have female
prisons and male prisons.
Good to know.
Boom.
Well, besides Shauna
and Anthony,
the other couple that was
the talk of the show was
Phil and Tawny.
MATTY G: Hi.
Hey, Matty. Hey.
Great to
have you here.
Great to be here, Matty.
Thanks for having me.
Now, Tawny, here's a question
from one of our viewers from
Highland Park, Illinois.
She writes, "Why don't
you just leave Phil?
"It's clear you're just
with him for the money."
Oh, that's
a good question.
(SIGHING)
Wow.
Um, Matty...
You know, during this season
I received a lot of tweets
from people who said
I was a gold-digger.
I only tweeted that once.
And, you know,
it was true.
I was using Phil
for his money,
which is why
I've divorced him.
PHE PHE: Oh, my God.
Good girl. Good girl.
Good girl.
ANTHONY: Wow.
Wow.
That's right. Phil
and I are divorced,
and I am actually
making my own...
My own money,
for once in my life.
MATTY G: Wow.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Wow. Very good.
Very good.
So, I don't have to rely
on a man any longer.
That is so wonderful.
Oh, good for you.
I'm so proud of you.
Good for you.
Now what are you doing
to make that money?
I am an escort.
Oh.
So, sisters doin' it
for themselves.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Now, an escort is
kind of like a prostitute.
No. Matty.
No, I'm a call girl.
You know, after the
prostitution lessons
I said to myself,
"Girl, you good at this."
(LAUGHS) You know?
When you have a calling,
you're just... You know,
like you say.
"Girl, you good at it."
I don't. I never.
She says it more like,
(DRAWING OUT WORDS)
"Girl, you good at it."
No, she says,
"Girl, you good at it."
(ALL IMITATING PHE PHE)
What I say?
"Girl..."
That is right.
MATTY G: "You good..."
"Not on my watch."
Yes. Yes. Yes.
"You good at it."
Yes. Yes.
"Good at it."
So no more gold-digging
for Tawny.
That is right.
No one can ever accuse
me of sleeping with
an older man
for money for
as long as I live.
Well, now, that's exactly
what you're doing, right?
Yeah. That is exactly
what you're doing.
Yeah, that's the
definition of...
Textbook definition
of it, actually.
Let's call a whore
a whore.
Stop. Stop bullying me.
Look at those whore hands.
I don't have to take this.
I don't have to take this,
and I won't.
Okay, Tawny is out.
And you just try
to stop me.
Everybody try
to stop me.
'Cause I'll go.
I'll get gone.
Know what? I'm out.
I'm out. I'm out!
Is there something
to eat?
Oh, my God.
I'm hungry too.
Okay. Moving on,
let's get to Amanda...
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
Just... You know what?
I'm back, I'm back.
You know why I'm back?
I am back because
I am the bigger person.
Continue. No, continue.
Everybody, continue.
MATTY G: Well, let's
get back to Amanda.
Now, Amanda,
the last time we saw you,
you were getting married.
(SHUTTER CLICKING)
Right, uh, see,
I sobered up,
and realized that I'm only
gay when I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, me too.
I'm exactly
like that.
Yeah? Yeah.
Exactly.
So, anyways, you know,
if I start drinking again,
I can guarantee it,
I'll definitely get back
up on those tits
and get up on 'em hard,
'cause they were...
They were pretty great.
Well, I'm sure Jo
is hoping that you do
fall off the wagon.
(LAUGHING) Oh, Matty.
AMANDA: She was special.
She's the only person that
ever really showed me love.
Well, you've actually
had a lot of people
show you love,
and you had multiple
partners this season.
Let's take a look.
Mmm. Mmm.
(COOING)
I mean, I can't believe
you made out with Lover.
That was my baby.
Well, maybe you shouldn't
have dressed him up
so sexy to tempt me.
Are you saying Lover
was asking for it?
He was a sexy dog.
That doesn't mean you
make out with him.
You just said it.
He was a sexy dog.
He was a sexy dog,
but he was my sexy dog.
Well, you weren't there.
Well, speaking of people
that are always there,
Billy, how are you?
I'm great. I just
passed all my midterms,
uh, so Veronica's
taking me to Fiji.
My mom said
I could go, so score.
(LAUGHS) Now, Veronica,
there seems to be
a lot of discussion
about the age difference.
What do you
feel about that?
You know, he's
not that much
older than I am.
Oh. Oh.
Do you know
what I mean?
No, it's the other way.
ALL: Other way.
Oh, that's...
Okay, well, I'm actually
surprised that you would
all say that,
because most people
think that I'm much
younger than he is.
What?
What people? Where? Who?
We're talking
about him.
Take it easy.
You don't tell my
husband what to do.
You don't tell
my husband.
Get your finger
out of my face.
Get your finger
out of my face.
BOTH: Get your finger
out of my face!
Get your finger
out of my face!
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Can I just say
one thing?
Billy and I have some
very exciting news.
Um, as you all know,
I've always wanted
to be a mum,
but we have many
generations of
madness in my family.
So we are adopting
a child.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, shalom.
Almost as good as
the real ones.
Yeah, he's a little
boy from Africa,
and, you know, we're
fostering him right
now, but hopefully,
he'll be coming home
to us very soon.
I think we actually
have a picture. Can we
pull up that picture?
PHE PHE: Oh, good Lord.
BILLY: There he is.
Oh, isn't he so cute?
He's so cute.
VERONICA: Couldn't you
just eat him up?
Well, obviously, I'm
going to breastfeed.
It's a big commitment,
but I'm willing to
take that on.
Attachment parenting,
as I'm sure you guys know,
it's very instructive
for a child.
You're gonna stick
your tit in his face?
Yes, I'm going to stick
both of them in his face.
I think that, as a mother,
I need to do what's right
for, uh, Chikangwow.
Unsolicited tip.
That man will rip your
new vagina. Be careful.
Seriously?
Be careful.
Well, it seems like you two
are as solid as ever.
And when we get back from
our commercial break,
we're gonna talk about
a couple that isn't
so solid,
which means their
relationship is a failure,
and they'll probably
die alone.
That's got to be
Phe Phe.
I have got
to be Phe Phe.
I got to be Phe Phe.
♪ I'm so good at
bein' Phe Phe ♪
(VOCALIZING)
Welcome back to
The Hotwives of Orlando
Reunion Special.
Our hotwives are here
with their hot husbands,
everyone except for Phe Phe,
who's here alone.
VERONICA: Aw.
All alone.
Now, Phe Phe, this season
you and Rodney went through
a lot of ups and downs.
You divorced,
you were remarried,
and then you were re-divorced.
Where do you stand now?
Well, we got re-remarried.
But then he had sex
with my manicurist,
so we got divorced again.
But I'm not ruling out
a reconciliation, you know?
Divorce is what makes
our marriage work.
Speaking of making it work,
TJ and Crystal,
what's new with you two?
Oh, thanks for asking.
You know, we're
really excited.
We got a new sitcom on
the Christian Broadcast
Network.
It's based on our lives.
Now, you guys are working
with Kirk Cameron on this?
CRYSTAL: Yes.
I met him at a Christian
rock climbing wall.
It's based on us
because we're so funny
together, y'all.
We are a fun, funny
relationship. Mmm-hmm.
That's what
the show's about.
Exactly, you know...
Woman, do I get a word
in edgewise or what?
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Close your yapper.
Okay, I'm sorry.
MEN: Whoa, whoa.
See what I mean?
We are so funny!
The premise, it's actually
a take on the old
I Dream of Jeannie.
Real funny. I keep
her in a room that
looks like a bottle.
Yeah.
And then she has to
do stuff I tell her.
Yeah, and it's called
Crystal, Are You Clear?
(TJ LAUGHING)
That's like
his catchphrase.
He's always like,
"Crystal, are you clear?"
I'm always saying that.
Because sometimes
I just don't listen.
"Don't make me get
the brush, Crystal."
Get the brush?
I just whack her
on the calf with a
wooden hairbrush.
CRYSTAL: Just a little bit.
Just a little bit.
Well, it's really great
to see that you guys are
getting along so well.
But let's move away from that,
and into viewer mail.
Alli from Orlando writes,
"Tawny, I love how you dress.
"Where do you get
those outfits?
"Also, do you know that Heath
one time slept with Amanda?"
What?
It was before the dog.
Before she was with the dog.
I don't remember,
but if I did, I just...
Thank you so much, Heath.
Thank you so much.
That was a great
question from our friend
Alli in Orlando.
That person sounds
familiar to me.
Could that be Alli,
my best friend?
It is. She's stirring
up trouble still,
even when she's
not in the room.
Let's bring out
Crystal's friend, Alli.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Hi, girls!
(SQUEALING)
I missed you.
Make some room...
MATTY G: They don't...
No, they don't want...
You know what, that's okay.
I'm gonna head to the
other couch.
ALLI: Not another
skinny lady...
Ow! Ow, Allie. Ow.
Mmm. (LAUGHS)
I'm just gonna...
Here we go.
Here's my spot.
I'm cozy.
Now, Alli, you seem
to have started
every single fight
this entire season.
Thank you.
Now, if you could do it
again, would you do it
any differently?
Absolutely, you know,
I really would.
Like, I've learned my
lesson, you know?
Like, I wouldn't tell you
that Anderson Cooper is a
better gay host than you.
But you actually
just did say that.
No, I was being a really
good friend by not saying it.
MATTY G: Well, let's
figure it out next season.
When I will be joining you
as the newest hotwife!
What?
No you won't.
Mmm, you never know.
Well, I produce
the show, so I do.
You will not be a hotwife.
Or will I?
You'll never be a hotwife.
Now, when we come back,
we'll get the answers to
our online quiz,
where you'll find out which
hotwife is matched up
to which STD
they're getting currently
treated for.
WOMEN: Ooh!
Chlamydia.
Shauna told me she has
more than any of you.
What?
This is my daughter's
fifth birthday.
I want her to own
this place and feel like
she owns you.
SHANA: Mommy, why do we
have to live in a car?
Shut up, Shana.
Welcome back.
One last question.
Shauna,
if you go to jail
because you admitted
your guilt on this
reunion special,
who will take care
of your children?
Uh, well, I consider
these women my family.
They're the closest,
most wonderful people
in the world.
So, of course, they should
go to someone here,
and I want to say that,
Tawny, you're my best friend,
and I want you to have my
kids if I go to jail.
That means so much to me.
I love you so much.
I can't take them,
unfortunately. I'm so
busy with my new job.
Unless your four or five
kids need an escort.
Um, okay. Then next
I would go to Crystal.
I think you should
have my kids.
Oh, my gosh.
I would love to,
but we're just so busy
with the new show.
And also, I don't want to.
Okay, then Phe Phe.
Oh, hell no. I don't
want them feral-ass kids.
(GASPS) Shauna,
Phe Phe just called
your kids feral.
Is that good or bad?
It's bad!
I'm your best friend!
Don't you dare talk
about my family!
Hey, let's take it
easy, okay?
Phe Phe was just saying,
you know, your kids are wild.
Just calm down.
What did you say to me?
What did you say to me?
I will not calm down!
(THUD)
Ow. This is very heavy.
All right, well, let
me at least help you.
Okay, put your leg...
Careful.
Yeah. Lift with your legs.
There we go.
Don't you dare tell
me to calm down!
You get your finger
out of my face.
Yeah? Well, you
started this.
(ALL SHOUTING)
Everybody, just chill.
Just take a deep
breath, and... Ow!
(GROANING)
Dude, you all right?
Hey, Phil.
Hey, get some help here.
PHIL: Tawny, I love you.
Phil, we are not getting
back together. (GRUNTS)
Phil. Phil?
(GASPS)
He's gone.
He's... Phil!
Someone get help!
No! Phil!
I should never have
divorced Phil.
I was so close to
being a rich widow.
I was so close. (BLEEP)
(SOBBING)
Thanks for joining us tonight
on The Hotwives of Orlando
Reunion Special.
I think we should celebrate
this season with a toast.
ALL: Oh.
Oh, boy.
To Orlando.
ALL: To Orlando.