The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Leona, the Witch, and the Whore-Drobe - full transcript
PHE PHE: Previously, on
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
We got pregnant after
we got married
and way, way, way, after
First Lady and Ace broke up.
That a girl.
I'm drinking
for two, now.
(BOTH LAUGH)
My love, get my
bubble cauldron.
Okay.
I'll get it this time.
I always hold the soap for
Vance at charity parties.
I'm excited to introduce
them all to my new
boyfriend, Kelly.
It'll be a
little intimidating
'cause there's a
celebrity present.
Who's the celebrity?
Jenfer and I
are pregnant.
(WHIMPERING CRY)
JENFER: I'm drunk,
and it's only 8:00 a.m.
FIRST LADY:
I take what I want in life.
That's why I shoplift.
IVANKA: I'm not American,
but I know how to
make fun of them.
PHE PHE: Say it.
Don't say it.
LEONA: Your business
is my business,
and business is bad.
DENISE: I love animals.
I just can't keep them alive.
CALLIE: People always want
to know what I'm thinking.
The truth is,
I'm not thinking anything.
I was disturbed after Ivanka's
drought party/bubble show.
Hey, get your
hands off of me!
There is no need
to push me out.
DENISE: No need to push me!
Denise had a nervous
breakdown. And even worse,
I got sat at the small table.
I mean, that is shade that
sticks. So I was glad for the
distraction of my radio show.
We got a great slot,
4:15 drive time.
4:15 a.m., which is drive time
for truckers and meth-heads
which is pretty much
everyone in Vegas.
And we follow this
stripper review show,
The Girth from Perth.
I think the only solution
is to out Prime Minister
Tony Abbott
and get Murdoch out of
Australian politics.
Well said, Keith. Well,
unfortunately that's all the
time that we have for today.
Make sure you come and
check out our live
review show on the strip,
at The Girth from Perth
showroom every single night.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS)
These boys are so great.
I've learned a lot about
Australian politics.
And genital warts.
(REPEATING)
Red leather, yellow leather.
My show's called
Leona Talks At You.
It was a call-in show
but nobody called in
so now it's a call-out show,
where I call people and tell
them what to do and why.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know, like a
good mother does.
MAN: Going in three, two, one.
Hey, it's Leona talking
at you, so shut your mouth
and open up your ears.
Today's topic is how to
have a tough conversation
with a friend.
How do you tell someone
something that you know
is going to hurt them?
I heard something that I knew
would really upset First Lady,
so I wanted she should
hear it from me first.
You know, it is so hard to
see a friend walking around,
blissfully unaware that
their life is falling apart.
FIRST LADY: It's the middle of
the night, is everything okay?
Oh yeah, I'm great, I'm great.
Listen, can I ask
you something?
If I heard something,
would you want to hear
it, even if it was
going to hurt you?
FIRST LADY:
No, I don't want to hear it.
It was obvious she
didn't want to know
so it was killing me
that I had to tell her.
There's a rumor going
around that Jenfer
and Ace cheated on you.
And that she's actually
eight months pregnant.
What? No. That can't be.
But she's my friend.
I know Leona is just
looking out for me by not
taking, "No" for an answer.
Though, I was
definitely saying, "No."
(SOBBING) No, I don't believe
it, why would they betray me?
I don't know. What do you
think, listeners? Call up now!
Wait, am I on the radio?
You're on the air.
JENFER: This is Jenfer in
Las Vegas, first time caller.
Lots of rumors aren't true.
For example, that one about
me and Ace cheating on you.
That's just a great example,
thanks, sweetheart.
FIRST LADY: What? You can't
cite that as an example.
Oh, we got another caller!
(CHUCKLES)
The phone is ringing
off the hook, here.
DENISE:
Hey guys, it's Denise, are you
guys mad at me or something?
FIRST LADY: Enough of this!
Jenfer, did you have sex with
Ace while I was with him?
I need to know.
That's a great question,
that's a really great
question, hon,
but unfortunately, we are
out of time for this week.
Listen, remember!
When in Las Vegas and lookin'
for some healthy eats,
hit up Viva Las Vegans
on Nellis Boulevard.
Their tofu is the jackpot!
Ding ding ding ding!
FIRST LADY: Are you
doing a commercial?
Yeah.
CALLIE: Ivanka did something
that I am really pissed about.
Which is why I asked
her to meet me
somewhere that we Wiccans go,
when we need to replenish
our supplies and our auras.
A place I feel safe.
Welcome to Tough Topic...
Oh, hey, Callie.
Blessed be the dark.
Hey Todd, dark descent to you.
I'm looking for some
protection totems today.
Sure, they're in the
back by the black lights,
and The Crow posters.
Great.
May darkness shroud your way.
His darkness is our light.
IVANKA:
Callie asked me to meet her
at some spooky devil store.
(GASPS) This one's like
the Dark Lord's cock.
And to be honest, after her
rude, competing orgasm
at my party, I didn't
really feel like it.
How are you?
I'm not well.
And I think you
know why.
Why?
Ivanka, like the other girls,
has never respected
my religion.
But this time, she
has gone too far!
Last night, I had a
terrible dream
where you said a lot
of disparaging things
about my religion,
and frankly I'm furious.
How could I affect
your dreams?
(SCOFFS) It is bad enough
that I have to put up
with the snide comments
and questions, like "Did you
get a new cat in real life?"
How else does one ask
"Did you get a new cat?"
But then...
You tell me how else you ask
"Did you get a new cat?"
Ugh! You don't.
But then for you to
come into my dreams,
(SCOFFS)
and disparage my religion...
(SOBBING) ...is not okay.
We witches, we suffer
so much for our gift.
All I wanna say is,
this is not over and you had
better watch your dream back!
Bye, Todd.
TODD: Bye, Callie.
You see what you're doing?
It's not me. No, it's you.
I do ask a lot of questions.
You're better
than that, babe.
I am!
(GASPS) Good morning, baby.
Hey, there's my
pretty young thing.
ADONIS: I missed you.
I'm in a really great
place right now, and
I have got to say,
Adonis has a lot
to do with that.
So this is what
I'm going to do,
Uh-huh.
I am going to get myself
together, go to the spa...
You deserve it.
Yes, and I'm gonna
get myself a facial,
I'm gonna get a massage.
What are you gonna do?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's with the interrogation?
Baby, you have to trust me.
You're right.
Okay? Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
You are right.
I'm right.
I trust you completely.
There you go.
You bought,
you bought a Cessna?
Wow.
Another question.
Adonis was right! I had
asked him another question.
I love the way he
calls me on my (BLEEP).
You know what?
I'm gonna get out of here.
It's hard to produce
like this, baby.
I appreciate it.
It's hard to work
under these conditions.
Oh, I know.
You gotta trust me.
No, I know.
Okay.
I do. I'm going to
start right now.
You get back to it.
Get back to this producing.
And I'll see you later.
Uh, or not.
There you go.
Okay?
That's my girl.
Okay?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, baby.
PHE PHE: He's really helping
me grow as a person.
So much so that I invited
Denise out for a spa day so
that we could get pampered
before Jenfer's baby shower.
Denise and I, we got started
off on the wrong foot
because of Chair-Nobyl,
license and trademarked.
ALL: (CHANTING)
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
So I just want to get us
together for a spa day,
you know, relax,
see if I could help, because
that's who Phe Phe is now.
DENISE: When Phe Phe asked
me to meet her at the spa,
I was really nervous,
mostly because I'm
never not nervous,
but also because
Chair-Nobyl had really
gotten into my head.
(SIGHS) I bet it was
so much worse for me
than it was for those Russians
who melted, or whatever.
So glad we could
do this today.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, just forget
about the girls and the
chairs and just bond.
Mmm, I really needed this.
I know I've been hiding
it well, but I've been
really stressed.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) You want
wax all of, or just bikini?
Of all. Yeah.
You can wax it all off.
There is nothing like getting
your vag and butthole waxed
to bring women
closer together.
What's stressing you out,
girl? You want to talk
about it?
(SIGHS)
The divorce, it's been...
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Hard!
(GROANS)
I know exactly what you're
going through, trust me.
I feel your...
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Pain!
(GROANS)
It's just, I gave up my career
to be there for my daughter
(TEARING)
growing (SCREAMS) up!
Well, I had to be there to let
the nannies in to watch her.
Motherhood is the
hardest job in the
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) world!
Switch legs, please.
You know, I was a
dancer, a showgirl.
I could've gone to Broad...
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Way!
(GASPS)
Both legs.
But now that my daughter
is older, I've met Kelly.
And I really like
him, you know?
But my daughter doesn't,
and she wants me to break
up with him.
(BLEEP)
See, that's the dilemma.
You've gotta do what
makes you happy.
(TEARING)
Ohhh!
WAXER: Turn over.
Hold butt cheeks open, please.
I mean, look at me.
Look at me.
I am living my dreams.
You look so happy!
(YELLING) Ugh!
Because I am happy.
(TEARING)
Ah!
We put cream on butt crack.
Let dry one minute.
Thank you.
It's very cooling.
So you think I should
stay with Kelly.
Hell, no!
Everybody says he's an
ass and I hate him.
It was really good
to talk to Phe Phe,
but it left me feeling
a little raw in my heart.
And also in my butthole.
I just hope your baby is
half as beautiful as mine,
but it won't be 'cause that's
statistically impossible.
When has thinking you're
genetically superior ever
led to anything bad?
LEONA: With everyone on edge
lately, I just wanted to do
something uplifting.
So I decided to throw Jenfer
a baby shower high tea.
You know... Hats, gloves,
just very classy.
And there's no better
place to celebrate women
than a place that
celebrates women and
all their various holes,
Venus' Mound.
Hey, hey, hey!
Where are your gloves?
I need it to look
like England in here.
What are you doing?
Come on! Go!
There's gloves next to
the douche, in the back.
(MUTTERING) Jesus...
Hey, Junior, baby, Mommy needs
more sanitizer, can you...
Wh... What is going on?
Get off of him!
Get off of him!
Relax, Ma, it's
just a lap dance.
Just a lap dance...
That's how I met your father.
A lap dance, it's the most
intimate act of love
between a man and
a woman, baby.
He's just a baby.
You're disgusting.
Ma, stop.
You don't understand any of
this, you're too young.
Stop it! Look at me!
You're too young for... Stop
it! What is wrong with you!
Look at me! Look at me!What is wrong with you?
I'm a big boy now.
(SOBBING)
Eye contact, eye contact...
At least make eye contact.
(BLUBBERING)
I, I, I love him so much,
and I remember when he was
a baby, and all of a sudden
he's going off and doing
his own thing, and
then the lap dance...
(BLUBBERING INCOMPREHENSIBLY)
But I had to get
myself together.
Because I had a
baby shower to put on.
Oh, my God!
(GASPS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my God!
Oh, you look fantastic.
Oh, you think so?
Aw, I love your tattoos.
I didn't know if I
should do more cutout.
You can always do more cutout.
This is amazing, damn it!
(LAUGHS)
I didn't even know there
was going to be snacks.
Oh, yeah.
(GASPS IN AWE)
It's all British.
This shower is so beautiful,
it's making my nipples hard.
Thank you!
Look at this one, every touch
is so beautiful and elegant.
I tried to think
of everything.
Now, I have a question that
I don't even care about the
answer, one way or the other.
Sure.
This is just
making small talk.
Is First Lady gonna be here?
You know, babe,
she never RSVPed.
And, she also hates
your guts, so...
I mean, I know
First Lady hates me
'cause she thinks Ace
and I cheated on her.
But to not come to my shower,
celebrating the fruit of
that affair, is just rude.
But today is my baby shower,
a day for me to just relax,
have fun and get my drink on!
PHE PHE:
Oh! Happy baby day, Na-na.
Girl. Question.
Should you be drinking
with a baby inside ya?
But this is alcohol.
Yeah, I know.
(SCOFFS) You know I drank
with all my babies and
they turned out perfect.
Just take a look at 'em.
Where are they?
(BLEEP)
Oh, Mazda, Raquelle,
get off that man's lap.
I wanted to tell Jenfer
that her drinking was
harmful to that baby.
But then she got drunk
and fell down and I was
laughing so hard I forgot.
(LAUGHS)
It is not funny.
Callie, I love that you
made it today even though
I do not like you.
Aw, the feeling is mutual.
Aw.
I'd like to place a
blessing on this child.
Please.
Place this child in your care
and let him serve you always,
my Dark Prince.
Visit vengeance upon his
enemies and let him drink
their blood
and eat their heart,
and may the dead rise
up to swallow humanity
and to serve you always.
Ave Satanas.
That was beautiful.
I don't speak Latin,
but I really appreciated
the thought.
Denise's boyfriend is, to put
it lightly, a (BLEEP) idiot.
(IMITATING DONKEY)
(GIGGLES) He makes
me laugh so much.
Oh, you don't want to put that
in your mouth. Look at you!
(SIGHS)
My love, from the
bottom of my heart,
I just hope your baby is
half as beautiful as mine.
I'm just glad you're here.
I'm glad you're both here
and that you've made up
since Ivanka talked bad
about you in your dream.
Oh, no, no, we
haven't made up.
My subconscious can never
forgive the things she said
about me in my dreams.
My subconscious doesn't even
acknowledge her subconscious.
Slam!
(LAUGHS)
Although, it is
getting a little tired
of getting accused.
(INAUDIBLE)
Are you still standing there?
I think she's casting
a spell on you.
Please move. I feel nothing.
My body's immune to spells.
But...
(SIGHS)
Neither of us wants
to ruin your beautiful
strip club baby shower.
So we will suffer
in silence for you!
I wish First Lady
could be as big as you.
I wish she were here but
I don't think she's coming.
I don't think she's coming.
I don't think she's
going to show.
DENISE: Hey, girl!
JENFER: Oh! Oh...
I was hoping you were
the First Lady but...
But it's you,
Denise.
I get that a lot. "I wish you
were somebody else." Ahhh!
(LAUGHS) But I'm not, I'm me.
Anyway, I just really want
to have a good time today,
because I am a
newly single gal.
After my talk with
Phe Phe, I decided to
break it off with Kelly.
I knew it was best
for everyone.
I mean, not me so much,
but everybody else.
(SIGHS)
I really like you Kelly, I do,
you must know that, but...
(SIGHS)
We can't be together anymore.
No! You're not just
breaking up with me,
you're going to break up
with everybody, including
the Godfather.
(IMITATING) You come
to me on the day of my
daughter's wedding,
you try to break up with me?
I'm so sorry, Godfather,
but we just have to break up.
No, you gotta break up
with Mr. T as well.
(IMITATING)
I pity the fool that tries
to break up with Mr. T.
(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Mr. T,
it's just not working anymore,
we have to split.
Oh yeah, then try to
break up with Donald Duck.
(IMITATING DONALD DUCK)
I'm sorry, Donald!
(SOBBING)
(DUCK NOISES)
It was really hard and
it was really sad,
but it was also
really impressive.
I mean, his imitations...
(RAPID IMPERSONATION SOUNDS)
Anyway, I don't want to
take away from your day.
Thank you, but it's too late.
Oh.
You ruined it.
When you grow up
middle-to-upper class,
missing the tippy-top
of your pointer finger
you don't exactly expect
your life to be perfect.
And yet here I stand.
Here I stand, pregnant with
my first non-bastard child.
Yes!
DENISE: Whoo!
All my dreams have come true.
Mmm-hmm.
Aw...
(SOBS)
Hit it.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Aw...
I wanted to express my
love for my child in the
most pure way I could.
By shaking my sweet ass.
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
She's feeling
her power.
Hello.
It's his lucky day.
ALL: Yes.
I felt the baby kick.
(SNIFFLES)
Ooh.
Even my baby's dancin'.
I just wish my mother had
done one of these for me.
Hmm.
(SOBS)
Too late...
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh.
Yes.
Whoo!
(SLOW CLAPPING)
It was really silent and
awkward for a long time,
like 20 minutes.
All right, that's
enough, you two!
It hurts my heart to
see you two fight.
You guys used to
be great friends.
Remember last year when you
guys ganged up on Ivanka?
You guys came up with
some killer insults.
"Nazi Barbie."
That's like, gold.
We did have fun
trying to kill her.
Isn't that friendship more
important than any of this
other stuff?
Leona was right.
I have missed you,
I'm glad you're here.
(SIGHS) Despite it all,
I wanted to be here, too.
You see? You see?
You should be here!
You guys are deeply
connected.
Think about it, First Lady!
Jenfer's baby was probably
conceived in your bed!
(SCREAMING)
You piece of trash!
(YELLS)
Not at a baby shower
at a strip club!
(BOTH YELLING)
Ow!
My nails are
stuck in her weave.
Yeah, my ring is in
her extension, like
her stupid ponytail thing.
I couldn't believe I
was caught in a weave
at my baby shower.
You go down.
Know what I'm going to
do, I'm going to back up,
and then I'm
going to, like...
'Cause I might be
able to unhook...
Okay, okay.
If I just give it a little...
No, okay.
Nope.
BOTH: Ooh!
No, no.
That's...
That's all I got.
You know what, I'm...
Can I take a breather?
(SCOFFS)
I mean, that's the third
time that's happened to me.
Weaving Las Vegas!
Wow, you guys! That was
a weave fight to remember.
Shalom, y'all! I'm Matty
Green, and you're joining me
on the Cooldown treehouse,
where tonight my guests
will be Meryl Streep and
Meryl Streep's daughter,
whose name no one knows.
We'll talk to them
about Jenfer's beautiful
strip club baby shower,
the pros and cons
of butthole waxing,
and their new
buddy-cop comedy.
And after the cool down,
don't forget to stay
tuned for Eskimo Bitches.
These girls have
50 words for "snow," and
100 words for "slut!"
Damn!
Ciao!
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
We got pregnant after
we got married
and way, way, way, after
First Lady and Ace broke up.
That a girl.
I'm drinking
for two, now.
(BOTH LAUGH)
My love, get my
bubble cauldron.
Okay.
I'll get it this time.
I always hold the soap for
Vance at charity parties.
I'm excited to introduce
them all to my new
boyfriend, Kelly.
It'll be a
little intimidating
'cause there's a
celebrity present.
Who's the celebrity?
Jenfer and I
are pregnant.
(WHIMPERING CRY)
JENFER: I'm drunk,
and it's only 8:00 a.m.
FIRST LADY:
I take what I want in life.
That's why I shoplift.
IVANKA: I'm not American,
but I know how to
make fun of them.
PHE PHE: Say it.
Don't say it.
LEONA: Your business
is my business,
and business is bad.
DENISE: I love animals.
I just can't keep them alive.
CALLIE: People always want
to know what I'm thinking.
The truth is,
I'm not thinking anything.
I was disturbed after Ivanka's
drought party/bubble show.
Hey, get your
hands off of me!
There is no need
to push me out.
DENISE: No need to push me!
Denise had a nervous
breakdown. And even worse,
I got sat at the small table.
I mean, that is shade that
sticks. So I was glad for the
distraction of my radio show.
We got a great slot,
4:15 drive time.
4:15 a.m., which is drive time
for truckers and meth-heads
which is pretty much
everyone in Vegas.
And we follow this
stripper review show,
The Girth from Perth.
I think the only solution
is to out Prime Minister
Tony Abbott
and get Murdoch out of
Australian politics.
Well said, Keith. Well,
unfortunately that's all the
time that we have for today.
Make sure you come and
check out our live
review show on the strip,
at The Girth from Perth
showroom every single night.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS)
These boys are so great.
I've learned a lot about
Australian politics.
And genital warts.
(REPEATING)
Red leather, yellow leather.
My show's called
Leona Talks At You.
It was a call-in show
but nobody called in
so now it's a call-out show,
where I call people and tell
them what to do and why.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know, like a
good mother does.
MAN: Going in three, two, one.
Hey, it's Leona talking
at you, so shut your mouth
and open up your ears.
Today's topic is how to
have a tough conversation
with a friend.
How do you tell someone
something that you know
is going to hurt them?
I heard something that I knew
would really upset First Lady,
so I wanted she should
hear it from me first.
You know, it is so hard to
see a friend walking around,
blissfully unaware that
their life is falling apart.
FIRST LADY: It's the middle of
the night, is everything okay?
Oh yeah, I'm great, I'm great.
Listen, can I ask
you something?
If I heard something,
would you want to hear
it, even if it was
going to hurt you?
FIRST LADY:
No, I don't want to hear it.
It was obvious she
didn't want to know
so it was killing me
that I had to tell her.
There's a rumor going
around that Jenfer
and Ace cheated on you.
And that she's actually
eight months pregnant.
What? No. That can't be.
But she's my friend.
I know Leona is just
looking out for me by not
taking, "No" for an answer.
Though, I was
definitely saying, "No."
(SOBBING) No, I don't believe
it, why would they betray me?
I don't know. What do you
think, listeners? Call up now!
Wait, am I on the radio?
You're on the air.
JENFER: This is Jenfer in
Las Vegas, first time caller.
Lots of rumors aren't true.
For example, that one about
me and Ace cheating on you.
That's just a great example,
thanks, sweetheart.
FIRST LADY: What? You can't
cite that as an example.
Oh, we got another caller!
(CHUCKLES)
The phone is ringing
off the hook, here.
DENISE:
Hey guys, it's Denise, are you
guys mad at me or something?
FIRST LADY: Enough of this!
Jenfer, did you have sex with
Ace while I was with him?
I need to know.
That's a great question,
that's a really great
question, hon,
but unfortunately, we are
out of time for this week.
Listen, remember!
When in Las Vegas and lookin'
for some healthy eats,
hit up Viva Las Vegans
on Nellis Boulevard.
Their tofu is the jackpot!
Ding ding ding ding!
FIRST LADY: Are you
doing a commercial?
Yeah.
CALLIE: Ivanka did something
that I am really pissed about.
Which is why I asked
her to meet me
somewhere that we Wiccans go,
when we need to replenish
our supplies and our auras.
A place I feel safe.
Welcome to Tough Topic...
Oh, hey, Callie.
Blessed be the dark.
Hey Todd, dark descent to you.
I'm looking for some
protection totems today.
Sure, they're in the
back by the black lights,
and The Crow posters.
Great.
May darkness shroud your way.
His darkness is our light.
IVANKA:
Callie asked me to meet her
at some spooky devil store.
(GASPS) This one's like
the Dark Lord's cock.
And to be honest, after her
rude, competing orgasm
at my party, I didn't
really feel like it.
How are you?
I'm not well.
And I think you
know why.
Why?
Ivanka, like the other girls,
has never respected
my religion.
But this time, she
has gone too far!
Last night, I had a
terrible dream
where you said a lot
of disparaging things
about my religion,
and frankly I'm furious.
How could I affect
your dreams?
(SCOFFS) It is bad enough
that I have to put up
with the snide comments
and questions, like "Did you
get a new cat in real life?"
How else does one ask
"Did you get a new cat?"
But then...
You tell me how else you ask
"Did you get a new cat?"
Ugh! You don't.
But then for you to
come into my dreams,
(SCOFFS)
and disparage my religion...
(SOBBING) ...is not okay.
We witches, we suffer
so much for our gift.
All I wanna say is,
this is not over and you had
better watch your dream back!
Bye, Todd.
TODD: Bye, Callie.
You see what you're doing?
It's not me. No, it's you.
I do ask a lot of questions.
You're better
than that, babe.
I am!
(GASPS) Good morning, baby.
Hey, there's my
pretty young thing.
ADONIS: I missed you.
I'm in a really great
place right now, and
I have got to say,
Adonis has a lot
to do with that.
So this is what
I'm going to do,
Uh-huh.
I am going to get myself
together, go to the spa...
You deserve it.
Yes, and I'm gonna
get myself a facial,
I'm gonna get a massage.
What are you gonna do?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What's with the interrogation?
Baby, you have to trust me.
You're right.
Okay? Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
You are right.
I'm right.
I trust you completely.
There you go.
You bought,
you bought a Cessna?
Wow.
Another question.
Adonis was right! I had
asked him another question.
I love the way he
calls me on my (BLEEP).
You know what?
I'm gonna get out of here.
It's hard to produce
like this, baby.
I appreciate it.
It's hard to work
under these conditions.
Oh, I know.
You gotta trust me.
No, I know.
Okay.
I do. I'm going to
start right now.
You get back to it.
Get back to this producing.
And I'll see you later.
Uh, or not.
There you go.
Okay?
That's my girl.
Okay?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, baby.
PHE PHE: He's really helping
me grow as a person.
So much so that I invited
Denise out for a spa day so
that we could get pampered
before Jenfer's baby shower.
Denise and I, we got started
off on the wrong foot
because of Chair-Nobyl,
license and trademarked.
ALL: (CHANTING)
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
So I just want to get us
together for a spa day,
you know, relax,
see if I could help, because
that's who Phe Phe is now.
DENISE: When Phe Phe asked
me to meet her at the spa,
I was really nervous,
mostly because I'm
never not nervous,
but also because
Chair-Nobyl had really
gotten into my head.
(SIGHS) I bet it was
so much worse for me
than it was for those Russians
who melted, or whatever.
So glad we could
do this today.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, just forget
about the girls and the
chairs and just bond.
Mmm, I really needed this.
I know I've been hiding
it well, but I've been
really stressed.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) You want
wax all of, or just bikini?
Of all. Yeah.
You can wax it all off.
There is nothing like getting
your vag and butthole waxed
to bring women
closer together.
What's stressing you out,
girl? You want to talk
about it?
(SIGHS)
The divorce, it's been...
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Hard!
(GROANS)
I know exactly what you're
going through, trust me.
I feel your...
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Pain!
(GROANS)
It's just, I gave up my career
to be there for my daughter
(TEARING)
growing (SCREAMS) up!
Well, I had to be there to let
the nannies in to watch her.
Motherhood is the
hardest job in the
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) world!
Switch legs, please.
You know, I was a
dancer, a showgirl.
I could've gone to Broad...
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS) Way!
(GASPS)
Both legs.
But now that my daughter
is older, I've met Kelly.
And I really like
him, you know?
But my daughter doesn't,
and she wants me to break
up with him.
(BLEEP)
See, that's the dilemma.
You've gotta do what
makes you happy.
(TEARING)
Ohhh!
WAXER: Turn over.
Hold butt cheeks open, please.
I mean, look at me.
Look at me.
I am living my dreams.
You look so happy!
(YELLING) Ugh!
Because I am happy.
(TEARING)
Ah!
We put cream on butt crack.
Let dry one minute.
Thank you.
It's very cooling.
So you think I should
stay with Kelly.
Hell, no!
Everybody says he's an
ass and I hate him.
It was really good
to talk to Phe Phe,
but it left me feeling
a little raw in my heart.
And also in my butthole.
I just hope your baby is
half as beautiful as mine,
but it won't be 'cause that's
statistically impossible.
When has thinking you're
genetically superior ever
led to anything bad?
LEONA: With everyone on edge
lately, I just wanted to do
something uplifting.
So I decided to throw Jenfer
a baby shower high tea.
You know... Hats, gloves,
just very classy.
And there's no better
place to celebrate women
than a place that
celebrates women and
all their various holes,
Venus' Mound.
Hey, hey, hey!
Where are your gloves?
I need it to look
like England in here.
What are you doing?
Come on! Go!
There's gloves next to
the douche, in the back.
(MUTTERING) Jesus...
Hey, Junior, baby, Mommy needs
more sanitizer, can you...
Wh... What is going on?
Get off of him!
Get off of him!
Relax, Ma, it's
just a lap dance.
Just a lap dance...
That's how I met your father.
A lap dance, it's the most
intimate act of love
between a man and
a woman, baby.
He's just a baby.
You're disgusting.
Ma, stop.
You don't understand any of
this, you're too young.
Stop it! Look at me!
You're too young for... Stop
it! What is wrong with you!
Look at me! Look at me!What is wrong with you?
I'm a big boy now.
(SOBBING)
Eye contact, eye contact...
At least make eye contact.
(BLUBBERING)
I, I, I love him so much,
and I remember when he was
a baby, and all of a sudden
he's going off and doing
his own thing, and
then the lap dance...
(BLUBBERING INCOMPREHENSIBLY)
But I had to get
myself together.
Because I had a
baby shower to put on.
Oh, my God!
(GASPS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my God!
Oh, you look fantastic.
Oh, you think so?
Aw, I love your tattoos.
I didn't know if I
should do more cutout.
You can always do more cutout.
This is amazing, damn it!
(LAUGHS)
I didn't even know there
was going to be snacks.
Oh, yeah.
(GASPS IN AWE)
It's all British.
This shower is so beautiful,
it's making my nipples hard.
Thank you!
Look at this one, every touch
is so beautiful and elegant.
I tried to think
of everything.
Now, I have a question that
I don't even care about the
answer, one way or the other.
Sure.
This is just
making small talk.
Is First Lady gonna be here?
You know, babe,
she never RSVPed.
And, she also hates
your guts, so...
I mean, I know
First Lady hates me
'cause she thinks Ace
and I cheated on her.
But to not come to my shower,
celebrating the fruit of
that affair, is just rude.
But today is my baby shower,
a day for me to just relax,
have fun and get my drink on!
PHE PHE:
Oh! Happy baby day, Na-na.
Girl. Question.
Should you be drinking
with a baby inside ya?
But this is alcohol.
Yeah, I know.
(SCOFFS) You know I drank
with all my babies and
they turned out perfect.
Just take a look at 'em.
Where are they?
(BLEEP)
Oh, Mazda, Raquelle,
get off that man's lap.
I wanted to tell Jenfer
that her drinking was
harmful to that baby.
But then she got drunk
and fell down and I was
laughing so hard I forgot.
(LAUGHS)
It is not funny.
Callie, I love that you
made it today even though
I do not like you.
Aw, the feeling is mutual.
Aw.
I'd like to place a
blessing on this child.
Please.
Place this child in your care
and let him serve you always,
my Dark Prince.
Visit vengeance upon his
enemies and let him drink
their blood
and eat their heart,
and may the dead rise
up to swallow humanity
and to serve you always.
Ave Satanas.
That was beautiful.
I don't speak Latin,
but I really appreciated
the thought.
Denise's boyfriend is, to put
it lightly, a (BLEEP) idiot.
(IMITATING DONKEY)
(GIGGLES) He makes
me laugh so much.
Oh, you don't want to put that
in your mouth. Look at you!
(SIGHS)
My love, from the
bottom of my heart,
I just hope your baby is
half as beautiful as mine.
I'm just glad you're here.
I'm glad you're both here
and that you've made up
since Ivanka talked bad
about you in your dream.
Oh, no, no, we
haven't made up.
My subconscious can never
forgive the things she said
about me in my dreams.
My subconscious doesn't even
acknowledge her subconscious.
Slam!
(LAUGHS)
Although, it is
getting a little tired
of getting accused.
(INAUDIBLE)
Are you still standing there?
I think she's casting
a spell on you.
Please move. I feel nothing.
My body's immune to spells.
But...
(SIGHS)
Neither of us wants
to ruin your beautiful
strip club baby shower.
So we will suffer
in silence for you!
I wish First Lady
could be as big as you.
I wish she were here but
I don't think she's coming.
I don't think she's coming.
I don't think she's
going to show.
DENISE: Hey, girl!
JENFER: Oh! Oh...
I was hoping you were
the First Lady but...
But it's you,
Denise.
I get that a lot. "I wish you
were somebody else." Ahhh!
(LAUGHS) But I'm not, I'm me.
Anyway, I just really want
to have a good time today,
because I am a
newly single gal.
After my talk with
Phe Phe, I decided to
break it off with Kelly.
I knew it was best
for everyone.
I mean, not me so much,
but everybody else.
(SIGHS)
I really like you Kelly, I do,
you must know that, but...
(SIGHS)
We can't be together anymore.
No! You're not just
breaking up with me,
you're going to break up
with everybody, including
the Godfather.
(IMITATING) You come
to me on the day of my
daughter's wedding,
you try to break up with me?
I'm so sorry, Godfather,
but we just have to break up.
No, you gotta break up
with Mr. T as well.
(IMITATING)
I pity the fool that tries
to break up with Mr. T.
(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Mr. T,
it's just not working anymore,
we have to split.
Oh yeah, then try to
break up with Donald Duck.
(IMITATING DONALD DUCK)
I'm sorry, Donald!
(SOBBING)
(DUCK NOISES)
It was really hard and
it was really sad,
but it was also
really impressive.
I mean, his imitations...
(RAPID IMPERSONATION SOUNDS)
Anyway, I don't want to
take away from your day.
Thank you, but it's too late.
Oh.
You ruined it.
When you grow up
middle-to-upper class,
missing the tippy-top
of your pointer finger
you don't exactly expect
your life to be perfect.
And yet here I stand.
Here I stand, pregnant with
my first non-bastard child.
Yes!
DENISE: Whoo!
All my dreams have come true.
Mmm-hmm.
Aw...
(SOBS)
Hit it.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Aw...
I wanted to express my
love for my child in the
most pure way I could.
By shaking my sweet ass.
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
She's feeling
her power.
Hello.
It's his lucky day.
ALL: Yes.
I felt the baby kick.
(SNIFFLES)
Ooh.
Even my baby's dancin'.
I just wish my mother had
done one of these for me.
Hmm.
(SOBS)
Too late...
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh.
Yes.
Whoo!
(SLOW CLAPPING)
It was really silent and
awkward for a long time,
like 20 minutes.
All right, that's
enough, you two!
It hurts my heart to
see you two fight.
You guys used to
be great friends.
Remember last year when you
guys ganged up on Ivanka?
You guys came up with
some killer insults.
"Nazi Barbie."
That's like, gold.
We did have fun
trying to kill her.
Isn't that friendship more
important than any of this
other stuff?
Leona was right.
I have missed you,
I'm glad you're here.
(SIGHS) Despite it all,
I wanted to be here, too.
You see? You see?
You should be here!
You guys are deeply
connected.
Think about it, First Lady!
Jenfer's baby was probably
conceived in your bed!
(SCREAMING)
You piece of trash!
(YELLS)
Not at a baby shower
at a strip club!
(BOTH YELLING)
Ow!
My nails are
stuck in her weave.
Yeah, my ring is in
her extension, like
her stupid ponytail thing.
I couldn't believe I
was caught in a weave
at my baby shower.
You go down.
Know what I'm going to
do, I'm going to back up,
and then I'm
going to, like...
'Cause I might be
able to unhook...
Okay, okay.
If I just give it a little...
No, okay.
Nope.
BOTH: Ooh!
No, no.
That's...
That's all I got.
You know what, I'm...
Can I take a breather?
(SCOFFS)
I mean, that's the third
time that's happened to me.
Weaving Las Vegas!
Wow, you guys! That was
a weave fight to remember.
Shalom, y'all! I'm Matty
Green, and you're joining me
on the Cooldown treehouse,
where tonight my guests
will be Meryl Streep and
Meryl Streep's daughter,
whose name no one knows.
We'll talk to them
about Jenfer's beautiful
strip club baby shower,
the pros and cons
of butthole waxing,
and their new
buddy-cop comedy.
And after the cool down,
don't forget to stay
tuned for Eskimo Bitches.
These girls have
50 words for "snow," and
100 words for "slut!"
Damn!
Ciao!