The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Old Friends, New Enemies - full transcript
NARRATOR: Previously on,
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
I think I got a good one
with Adonis.
I spoil you.
You're too good to me, baby.
IVANKA: My daughter Lola's
modelling career
has gone through the roof.
PHE PHE: I just want to
forget about the whole
chair explosion,
which I am now calling
Chair-Nobyl.
Oh, an idea
for a spin-off show.
Here Comes the Bro...
Half the Man
I Used to Be...
Halfsies!
They don't have
that show yet,
but, goddamn it,
they should.
Leona says that Jenfer
is eight months pregnant,
but Jenfer says
that she's just a few weeks.
We just can't know.
Wake up!
JENFER: What happens
in my vagina
stays in my vagina.
FIRST LADY: Life is a battle
and food is the enemy.
IVANKA:
Beauty isn't everything,
but if it was, I win.
PHE PHE: You might think
you know me
but you don't know me
'cause I don't know me.
LEONA: I hold my friends close
and my enemies just as close
because they are
the same people.
DENISE: I developed
a resistance to Xanax.
CALLIE: People say
I'm dark and prickly
and they're not just
talking about my bush.
FIRST LADY: Seeing Jenfer
face to face
and her pregnant belly,
I didn't take it very well.
You piece of trash!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
We were stuck
in each other's weaves
for the better part
of the night.
Ow! No, I can't.
No, just move your arm!
Just squat down!
The strippers
finally got us free.
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Honestly,
I just want to
forget about
all the drama.
That's why
I'm throwing myself
into work.
Work is what
fills me up,
especially because
I don't eat food.
Today I'm meeting
with a marketing specialist
to help me design
a brand new product
for my Anorexi-Yeah line!
Hi.
Hi.
Jandice is the name
in marketing
high end products
like mine.
What a thrill
to finally meet you.
The thrill is mine,
your product sounds amazing.
Thank you!
You know,
I thought of it
when I was tired
and hungry,
but I didn't want to do
anything about either.
My new product
is called MAM.
It's an acronym
for Methampheta-Mine!
It's a miracle drug
that suppresses
your appetite
and gives you
tons of energy.
It's a working woman's
dream come true.
And as I'm sure you know,
I marketed Fen-Phen
before and after
the lawsuits.
Loved that product.
Thank you so much.
And you know, we did
a billion dollars in sales
even after
all of those deaths.
So, I think
that selling
your product
should be
a piece of cake.
Or do you mean,
a piece of lettuce?
Lettuce, less...
Has less calories.
That's very funny.
(LAUGHING)
I thought so.
That is very funny
and I don't usually
love comedy.
My company
specializes in products
that are tricky to sell.
Some of our clients
include crab lice,
rapper Durst and KIA.
You see, the thing I love
about this product
is that it's specifically
designed toward women.
That's right, I wanted it
to be female friendly.
I mean, men,
they can get
their energy pills
or powder anywhere.
So true.
But a woman,
she's going to want
something classy,
something delicate.
She's gonna want it
to be pink, I love it.
People are gonna
die for this.
(YELPS EXCITEDLY)
Seriously,
they will.
I really hope
my new supplement
will help women
be their best, skinniest,
most manic selves,
because a First Lady
owes it to her people
to make sure
they're at their best.
By the way,
this paired
with this ice...
Like amazing, right?
It's delicious.
IVANKA: I didn't knows
that beautiful, rich,
European people
could suffer,
but it turns out
that we can.
I'm feeling... Bad?
I hate even saying that word,
but I'm feeling it
because our baby Lola
has gained some weight
and lost the modelling jobs
because of it.
But my alone time with Vance
always helps calm me down.
Oh! Put your bubbles on me,
make me your canvas.
But first, let's get you
a bubble beard.
Oh!
(SPITTING) Oh!
That feels so nice!
It matches your...
Bubble nose.
Stop being
so incredible!
(SQUEALING)
Oh! Oh!
(COUGHING)
Oh! Oh, Callie!
Oh, my goddess,
what are you guys
doing here?
We live here.
What, what are you
doing here?
Sure, I'll join you,
thanks.
No, no, no.
Nobody asked you
to get in the tub.
Scoot, scoot!
No, I don't feel
comfortable with this.
Ivanka, there's always
room for sis,
that's why we got
the deluxe Jacuzzi.
He said we got
the deluxe Jacuz
for love-making
and free-form bubble art.
What is happening?
Okay, I'm sorry,
this is weird.
Well, it's totally normal
for me and Vance.
We used to take
baths together
all the time
when we were kids.
That's how we got
the bubble show together.
Remember, Vance?
Do you want
to see it? Hold on!
Let me just
grab some soap.
BOTH: Oh, that's not soap!
That's enough!
(GASPING)
(VOICE DISTORTED) Enough!
How dare you!
Ivanka. How could you?
In front of the bubbles!
I had to strike her!
She was out of line!
I mean we do some crazy
sex stuff where I'm from,
somewhere vaguely in Europe,
but this was too far!
Vance, you need to choose
between me and her
in this tub right now!
VANCE: I was in an
impossible situation.
What was I to do?
I'm just a typical man,
having to choose between
the love of his wife
and the love of his sister.
I was stuck in the middle,
literally, I was stuck!
IVANKA: Where're you going?
No, you don't get out
of the tub!
She gets out
of the tub!
No, I don't get out
of the tub!
No, you get out
of the tub!
IVANKA: You get out
of the tub!
No, get your hands off.
(SCREAMING)
IVANKA: Although I'm sure
it looked incredibly arousing,
I was really devastated
that Vance did not pick me
over his sister.
It turns out that
blood is thicker than
hot boobs, too.
♪ We're in the hugs
♪ We're in the hugs ♪
Yeah!
(GUNS FIRING)
Today, I am putting on
a fashion show
to debut my new fashion line,
Fee Phi Fo Phe.
About Phe Phe.
(WHISPERING) Fashion show!
This is gonna make me
a household name
in Vegas, baby!
As long as people
don't actually need
to see the fashions.
See, I hired some gay guys
to design my fashion line
because, hey,
I can't do everything myself.
But it turns out,
not all gay guys know
how to design clothes.
How was I supposed
to know that?
But at least I have
Adonis here
to produce this show for me
and he is going to make
everything look so amazing
that nobody's even
going to realize
there are no fashions
in my fashion show.
(ADONIS CHUCKLING
AND WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, baby!
I don't see
any decorations
or lights or people.
Babe, you only gave me
a $100,000 to produce
this show!
Invites?
Cost a lot more!
Okay.
Yeah.
If people see
tons of decor,
fancy food,
flashing lights,
tables, chairs.
All that does is distract
from the real star
of the show,
Phe Phe.
Huh?
Yeah, I hear you!
Oh, I know
you hear me.
Mmm-hmm.
But are you
listening?
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah.
I heard you.
Okay.
Okay.
Being married to Phe Phe
can be challenging.
I mean, she's always
flooding me with
these questions,
like, "Where're you going
with all that cash?"
"Why you hiding
money in a mattress?"
"Why you got
three different social
security numbers?"
It's like, "Damn, baby!
"You've got to loosen up
that leash a little bit."
Shit, I had more freedom
in the pen!
Looks like my
work here is done.
I'm out of here.
Oh!
You're leaving?
Yo!
You wild boy!
I'm starting to wonder
what Adonis does
with all his spare time
and with all my money.
But I don't wanna be a nag.
Free fashion show!
Come on, get in here, girl!
Come on!
With no fashions,
no decor and man problems,
I was feeling pretty low
before what was supposed
to be my fashion Phe-but.
Not bad enough not to stop
and coin that phrase
Phe-but, but still low.
You want to watch
the fashion show?
Luckily, I ran into
an old friend.
Amanda?
Phe Phe!
Oh, my God!
Amanda was my cast-mate
from Hotwives of Orlando.
She had some
addiction problems
that I helped her with.
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: (DRUNKEDLY)
To Amanda's sobriety.
Bitch, what are you
doing in Vegas?
I'm in town
for an AA convention.
Okay, so it's like
a financial convention.
Um, no it's for alcohols
and addicts and drug heads.
I've been doing
so great since I left
Hotwives of Orlando.
I'm clean, I'm sober,
I've even got a small role
on a soap opera,
contingent of my sobriety,
but they're talking about
making me a regular.
So, I'm actually
the keynote speaker
because I've been clean
and sober for 760 days.
Congratulations, girl!
Thank you.
Amanda seemed great!
But honestly, I didn't
hear a word she said
'cause I was just waiting
to tell her about my problems.
It's just that
every sign says
Adonis is
robbing me blind,
but my heart says
that's just what love
feels like.
Okay. What would
new Phe Phe say?
Oh, new Phe Phe says,
"Kick that negro
to the curb, girl, okay?
"You are too good
for this."
Okay. And what would
Orlando Phe Phe say?
Orlando Phe Phe
would say,
"You better keep him girl,
he is fine!"
Have you seen him
with his shirt off?
I've never met him.
Old Phe Phe
would also say,
"That dress makes you
look like a manatee
"stuffed into
a school girl uniform."
You should take it off.
Okay, well, there's
your answer then.
You know, I would say
that you should go
with new Phe Phe
because your old instincts
are wrong
and they're...
They're really mean.
You are so smart.
You are super, girl!
Thank you.
You know what?
You have got to
come with me
to my fashion show.
I insist, girl.
Oh, I don't think
that's a good idea...
No, I insist.
I don't think
it's healthy for me.
You will.
The only things
I've got here
are cocktails.
These are triggers,
these are triggers.
It was so good to see you,
it was so nice to see you.
Nothing can hurt you.
I don't wanna go.
I don't wanna go.
What are you doing?
Is it like a stretch?
Is it like a stretch?
I don't wanna go.
PHE PHE: You're going to have
the time of your life.
AMANDA: Oh, God.
Amanda gave me
a lot to think about,
but the show must go on.
So, by the power
of Phe-magination,
I'm gonna tell everybody
what my fashions
would have looked like.
Ha-ha! You can't stop me.
First up we have Jenfer.
Now, if my gays
had done their jobs,
Jenfer would be wearing
something fabulous right now.
She would've had on,
like, a red strapless
dress, you know?
And around the bottom
would be, like,
champagne died, man.
Yes, clap for my fashions,
they're beautiful.
Clap.
Clap, you bitches!
Thank you.
Man, I'm sick as balls
at modelling.
PHE PHE: Oh, look at Lisa
take a jab.
It's so weird to be back
in all this, you know.
I'm going to be sick.
Oh, here, take a sip.
Is there alcohol
in this?
I'm pregnant,
what do you think?
Sorry.
(COUGHING)
That's straight vodka.
Mmm-hmm.
No, duh, it was vodka!
I said I was pregnant!
I need something
to get me through
this nightmare.
PHE PHE: Next up,
we have Rochelle.
Atta girl,
it's good stuff, isn't it?
(CRYING)
Rochelle would be wearing,
like, a wrap.
And it would have,
like, a Pegasus horn
and it would give her
the power to fly.
Yes, honey,
fly, Rochelle!
And finally, we have Melody,
who would be wearing
a Dashiki line
and shrimp
and set on fire!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
It meant so much to me
seeing Amanda joining in
on my fashion show
during my hour of need.
It was like old times,
having the support
of my old friends.
I like your shrimp.
I like your shrimp.
In the end, I think
the fashion show
was a huge success,
no thanks to Adonis.
Took Amanda
to open my eyes.
That's what friendship
is really about.
Lifting each other up.
Ready for my speech!
Got your AA right here.
This one's A,
this one's A plus.
ACE: Since Jenfer got to be
the star of a baby shower
and a fashion show,
I decided to get
the guys together
to celebrate me
with a Dad-achelor party,
which just happens to be
the name of my new pilot
that I'm shooting right now.
So we got together
at Las Vegas' premiere golfing
and shooting range.
(GUN FIRING)
I saw this video online
with this chick
who's got like
big-ass titties
shooting two machine guns.
Guys, thanks
for being here.
It means a lot... Lester!
Come on, man,
you got to be on me.
This show is coming out
of my own pocket,
so I decided to hire
some cheap labor.
Right there.
That's my sister's kid,
Lester.
Guys...
What?
Stop shaking,
stop shaking.
It's not a bad life
or death thing.
You keep saying, "Guys."
Guys,
thanks for being here,
it means a lot to me.
Let's shoot
some guns, whoo!
I just paid him 20 bucks
and a couple of
expired Vicodin.
I mean, that's a deal.
You know,
I think this kid
is really going to complete
my life and my spin-off show.
No, I'm not too sure
about that, man.
Having a baby
ruins everything.
I'm glad I don't have
to worry about that
until I'm a grown up.
Ace is (BLEEP) though.
When we had Lola
last year,
no one cared about me.
They just cared about
our fat, beautiful,
magical baby.
Take it from a real
celebrity, guys.
As soon as
we had our kid,
I lost my mojo.
Now, I can't even
get booked in Reno.
Oh, yeah, I have a kid
and a wife.
I thought having a baby
was gonna be
like having a dog.
You know,
just another accessory
to make this guy
more adorable,
but now that I talked
to the guys,
I'm starting
to have my doubts.
Y'all are depressing me.
Hell, my wife
just cut up
all my credit cards.
Well, all the ones
that she knows about.
But I don't bitch! Nah!
I shoot!
(LAUGHING)
Yeah! That's awesome.
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
Argh!
(IN NERDY VOICE)
Did I do that?
Family Matters.
(LAUGHING)
You mean, did you...
Did you just kill that guy?
Kill that guy?
Yeah, you did do that.
I know, but that Urkel...
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, hey,
hold this for me.
(IN NERDY VOICE)
Are you sure I did that?
Yes, we're sure
that you shot that guy.
Family Matters.
ACE: No, but you don't
need to say that part.
Let me holler at ya'll
in a little while.
I'll catch y'all
around back.
Around back where?
Adonis, you drove.
DENISE: I'm a really
fun person.
But the other ladies
don't seem to know it yet.
So, I have decided
to throw a little party
that's really going
to hit the jackpot.
Step right up,
step right up,
to the Denise Casino!
We've got roulette,
we've got blackjack,
we've got poker.
Pick your poison!
Wait, wait, this is like
a casino party?
Yeah! I know how you guys
all like a theme, so...
But we live
in Las Vegas.
Right.
Why would we come
to a fake casino
when we could just go
to a real casino?
Am I missing
something?
Is it the language
barrier?
Yeah, no,
why don't you just
have your party
at a real casino
'cause that would be fun!
ALL: That would be fun!
DENISE: Does a real casino
have a teeny, tiny,
non-working slot machine?
(CHUCKLES)
I don't think so.
Ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Jackpot!
You win jellybeans!
Yay.
Aw... Okay.
This bitch
can't throw a party
to save her life.
Ooh. Ooh.
Um, listen,
we're gonna leave.
We all agreed,
this is the worst.
CALLIE: Yeah, even Ivanka
and I agree
and we don't agree
on anything.
Yeah.
Denise,
it's not your fault.
You know,
there are two kinds
of people in this world.
Those who can throw
a good party
and those who will
probably die alone.
You don't know
how I'm going to die!
I don't know
how you're going to die,
I just know that
you will not have
another person
near you
when it happens.
This is a great party,
you guys just haven't
embraced it yet.
Get into it,
let's turn on some music
and let's just dance!
So embarrassing for you.
Hey, I know.
FIRST LADY: I'm so sad
for you. Thank you.
WOMAN: Loved it.
Wait, wait, don't go!
Listen, we're gonna leave.
So embarrassing for you.
Hey, I know.
FIRST LADY: I'm so sad
for you. Thank you.
WOMAN: Loved it.
Wait, wait, wait,
don't go! Wait.
Thank you, Leona.
Thank you.
Look, we can all agree
this was an awful party.
I mean, this was
truly horrible.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
But you know what?
We're all together,
isn't that nice?
But the problem is,
everybody's fighting
with everybody else.
And it's just,
it's killing me,
it's breaking my heart.
My friends are all I have now.
My 30-year-old son
is grown up
and he's made it very clear
that he doesn't need me
anymore,
but my friends,
they need me.
I want my girls
to be friends again
and the only way
to stop the fighting
is to start fighting
with boxing.
Huh?
What was that?
With boxing.
It's the only way.
That's the only way?
Luckily we live in Vegas
where there is always
a boxer on call, literally.
You just call 1-800-BOXERS
and a boxer will be
to your house in
10 minutes or less.
I mean, I love this town.
Okay, Ivanka, Callie,
you guys are up first, okay?
I want you to think of this
like, like boxing therapy,
all right?
And Mick here,
he's going to help you
talk out your feelings
with your fists, okay?
I don't know
about all that.
Yeah, I'm a boxer.
I don't know anything
about feelings.
I just want to see
ladies hit each other.
(CHUCKLES)
You want to put
your left foot forward, okay?
You keep your hands up
and then you're going to jab.
Jab sets up everything.
Jab. Jab.
I don't understand.
Jab, jab, jab, jab.
After Ivanka slapped me
for touching
my brother's penis,
a.k.a. no reason,
I had decided
we were through.
Okay, I don't think
this is a good...
(ALL GASPING)
Finish her!
Finish her!
(ALL SCREAMING)
But it did feel good
to talk to her
using my word fists.
Oh, I like
this therapy.
One...
You're healing,
you're healing.
Two...
This feels
very healing to me.
Three...
That was a powerful
conversation.
All right, that was
a good first match.
A lot of times with women,
nobody gets hurt.
Yeah, that was really nice.
That was really...
I wanted First Lady
and Jenfer to go next,
but Jenfer just texted
that she can't come
because her baby
just dropped
and she's drinking
away the pain.
Guess what, babies drop
at the end of a pregnancy.
That means Jenfer
is nine months pregnant.
So when did
she get pregnant?
(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
June, no. Minus the one.
You got to divide that.
So, Phe Phe, Denise,
let's put Chair-nobyl
to rest.
We already did that!
Actually Phe Phe,
I kind of feel like
when you were
insulting my party tonight,
it felt like
that was a lot of shade.
Yeah, I felt that, too,
you two should fight.
I don't even know you,
all right?
You be quiet.
I will knock you out.
Really? Then jump in,
baby, jump in.
You don't know me.
Just by you talking to him
and not really directing it
at me,
that feels like shade, too.
Oh, you don't know
shade, honey, okay?
Because you're dealing
with the new Phe Phe
and you're lucky
because the old Phe Phe
throws shade
literally.
(GASPING)
Whoa!
DENISE: Okay,
you want to throw
some literal shade?
I can throw
literal shade, too!
Hey! This tree,
looks pretty shady, huh?
MICK: No, no, no, no!
Like if you stood
under it, maybe,
you wouldn't get
a sunburn!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, no! That bitch
did not throw a tree at me!
Oh, I did!
Okay, you want to
throw shade!
I want to throw shade!
Well, then let's throw shade!
Hey, come on, you don't
want to do that.
Just fight each other.
You want shade?
DENISE: I want it!
Here it comes, bitch!
(SCREAMING)
I once saw a man
kill another man in the ring.
But I've never seen
anything as brutal
as that shade.
Well, I happen to have
brought some shade
to the party tonight
for us to listen to.
PHE PHE: Oh, really?
How's this for shade?
Oh, that's it, oh, my God!
Look at that,
you ignorant bitch!
That is Sade! Sade!
Okay, okay,
stop fighting!
You're right,
what are we fighting for?
No, I don't care
about that!
I just figured
something out!
If Jenfer is nine
months pregnant...
Oh, my God!
I know, babe.
That means...
That means...
That means
the baby is mine!
(SQUEALING)
It can't be
possible, right?
No, I don't think so.
Not what I thought
you were going to say.
(SCREAMING)
Sha-la-lom! Matty G here
with the Hotwives cool down.
We're live
from the treehouse
and wow, what an episode
full of terrible violence.
And speaking
of terrible violence,
joining me tonight
is Hotwife of Orlando,
Shawna.
Are you saying
that I'm terrible
at violence?
Cause I'm amazing
at violence, okay?
I will murder you!
You are dead!
Wow, sounds like fun.
Stay tuned.
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
I think I got a good one
with Adonis.
I spoil you.
You're too good to me, baby.
IVANKA: My daughter Lola's
modelling career
has gone through the roof.
PHE PHE: I just want to
forget about the whole
chair explosion,
which I am now calling
Chair-Nobyl.
Oh, an idea
for a spin-off show.
Here Comes the Bro...
Half the Man
I Used to Be...
Halfsies!
They don't have
that show yet,
but, goddamn it,
they should.
Leona says that Jenfer
is eight months pregnant,
but Jenfer says
that she's just a few weeks.
We just can't know.
Wake up!
JENFER: What happens
in my vagina
stays in my vagina.
FIRST LADY: Life is a battle
and food is the enemy.
IVANKA:
Beauty isn't everything,
but if it was, I win.
PHE PHE: You might think
you know me
but you don't know me
'cause I don't know me.
LEONA: I hold my friends close
and my enemies just as close
because they are
the same people.
DENISE: I developed
a resistance to Xanax.
CALLIE: People say
I'm dark and prickly
and they're not just
talking about my bush.
FIRST LADY: Seeing Jenfer
face to face
and her pregnant belly,
I didn't take it very well.
You piece of trash!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
We were stuck
in each other's weaves
for the better part
of the night.
Ow! No, I can't.
No, just move your arm!
Just squat down!
The strippers
finally got us free.
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Honestly,
I just want to
forget about
all the drama.
That's why
I'm throwing myself
into work.
Work is what
fills me up,
especially because
I don't eat food.
Today I'm meeting
with a marketing specialist
to help me design
a brand new product
for my Anorexi-Yeah line!
Hi.
Hi.
Jandice is the name
in marketing
high end products
like mine.
What a thrill
to finally meet you.
The thrill is mine,
your product sounds amazing.
Thank you!
You know,
I thought of it
when I was tired
and hungry,
but I didn't want to do
anything about either.
My new product
is called MAM.
It's an acronym
for Methampheta-Mine!
It's a miracle drug
that suppresses
your appetite
and gives you
tons of energy.
It's a working woman's
dream come true.
And as I'm sure you know,
I marketed Fen-Phen
before and after
the lawsuits.
Loved that product.
Thank you so much.
And you know, we did
a billion dollars in sales
even after
all of those deaths.
So, I think
that selling
your product
should be
a piece of cake.
Or do you mean,
a piece of lettuce?
Lettuce, less...
Has less calories.
That's very funny.
(LAUGHING)
I thought so.
That is very funny
and I don't usually
love comedy.
My company
specializes in products
that are tricky to sell.
Some of our clients
include crab lice,
rapper Durst and KIA.
You see, the thing I love
about this product
is that it's specifically
designed toward women.
That's right, I wanted it
to be female friendly.
I mean, men,
they can get
their energy pills
or powder anywhere.
So true.
But a woman,
she's going to want
something classy,
something delicate.
She's gonna want it
to be pink, I love it.
People are gonna
die for this.
(YELPS EXCITEDLY)
Seriously,
they will.
I really hope
my new supplement
will help women
be their best, skinniest,
most manic selves,
because a First Lady
owes it to her people
to make sure
they're at their best.
By the way,
this paired
with this ice...
Like amazing, right?
It's delicious.
IVANKA: I didn't knows
that beautiful, rich,
European people
could suffer,
but it turns out
that we can.
I'm feeling... Bad?
I hate even saying that word,
but I'm feeling it
because our baby Lola
has gained some weight
and lost the modelling jobs
because of it.
But my alone time with Vance
always helps calm me down.
Oh! Put your bubbles on me,
make me your canvas.
But first, let's get you
a bubble beard.
Oh!
(SPITTING) Oh!
That feels so nice!
It matches your...
Bubble nose.
Stop being
so incredible!
(SQUEALING)
Oh! Oh!
(COUGHING)
Oh! Oh, Callie!
Oh, my goddess,
what are you guys
doing here?
We live here.
What, what are you
doing here?
Sure, I'll join you,
thanks.
No, no, no.
Nobody asked you
to get in the tub.
Scoot, scoot!
No, I don't feel
comfortable with this.
Ivanka, there's always
room for sis,
that's why we got
the deluxe Jacuzzi.
He said we got
the deluxe Jacuz
for love-making
and free-form bubble art.
What is happening?
Okay, I'm sorry,
this is weird.
Well, it's totally normal
for me and Vance.
We used to take
baths together
all the time
when we were kids.
That's how we got
the bubble show together.
Remember, Vance?
Do you want
to see it? Hold on!
Let me just
grab some soap.
BOTH: Oh, that's not soap!
That's enough!
(GASPING)
(VOICE DISTORTED) Enough!
How dare you!
Ivanka. How could you?
In front of the bubbles!
I had to strike her!
She was out of line!
I mean we do some crazy
sex stuff where I'm from,
somewhere vaguely in Europe,
but this was too far!
Vance, you need to choose
between me and her
in this tub right now!
VANCE: I was in an
impossible situation.
What was I to do?
I'm just a typical man,
having to choose between
the love of his wife
and the love of his sister.
I was stuck in the middle,
literally, I was stuck!
IVANKA: Where're you going?
No, you don't get out
of the tub!
She gets out
of the tub!
No, I don't get out
of the tub!
No, you get out
of the tub!
IVANKA: You get out
of the tub!
No, get your hands off.
(SCREAMING)
IVANKA: Although I'm sure
it looked incredibly arousing,
I was really devastated
that Vance did not pick me
over his sister.
It turns out that
blood is thicker than
hot boobs, too.
♪ We're in the hugs
♪ We're in the hugs ♪
Yeah!
(GUNS FIRING)
Today, I am putting on
a fashion show
to debut my new fashion line,
Fee Phi Fo Phe.
About Phe Phe.
(WHISPERING) Fashion show!
This is gonna make me
a household name
in Vegas, baby!
As long as people
don't actually need
to see the fashions.
See, I hired some gay guys
to design my fashion line
because, hey,
I can't do everything myself.
But it turns out,
not all gay guys know
how to design clothes.
How was I supposed
to know that?
But at least I have
Adonis here
to produce this show for me
and he is going to make
everything look so amazing
that nobody's even
going to realize
there are no fashions
in my fashion show.
(ADONIS CHUCKLING
AND WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, baby!
I don't see
any decorations
or lights or people.
Babe, you only gave me
a $100,000 to produce
this show!
Invites?
Cost a lot more!
Okay.
Yeah.
If people see
tons of decor,
fancy food,
flashing lights,
tables, chairs.
All that does is distract
from the real star
of the show,
Phe Phe.
Huh?
Yeah, I hear you!
Oh, I know
you hear me.
Mmm-hmm.
But are you
listening?
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah.
I heard you.
Okay.
Okay.
Being married to Phe Phe
can be challenging.
I mean, she's always
flooding me with
these questions,
like, "Where're you going
with all that cash?"
"Why you hiding
money in a mattress?"
"Why you got
three different social
security numbers?"
It's like, "Damn, baby!
"You've got to loosen up
that leash a little bit."
Shit, I had more freedom
in the pen!
Looks like my
work here is done.
I'm out of here.
Oh!
You're leaving?
Yo!
You wild boy!
I'm starting to wonder
what Adonis does
with all his spare time
and with all my money.
But I don't wanna be a nag.
Free fashion show!
Come on, get in here, girl!
Come on!
With no fashions,
no decor and man problems,
I was feeling pretty low
before what was supposed
to be my fashion Phe-but.
Not bad enough not to stop
and coin that phrase
Phe-but, but still low.
You want to watch
the fashion show?
Luckily, I ran into
an old friend.
Amanda?
Phe Phe!
Oh, my God!
Amanda was my cast-mate
from Hotwives of Orlando.
She had some
addiction problems
that I helped her with.
To Amanda's sobriety!
ALL: (DRUNKEDLY)
To Amanda's sobriety.
Bitch, what are you
doing in Vegas?
I'm in town
for an AA convention.
Okay, so it's like
a financial convention.
Um, no it's for alcohols
and addicts and drug heads.
I've been doing
so great since I left
Hotwives of Orlando.
I'm clean, I'm sober,
I've even got a small role
on a soap opera,
contingent of my sobriety,
but they're talking about
making me a regular.
So, I'm actually
the keynote speaker
because I've been clean
and sober for 760 days.
Congratulations, girl!
Thank you.
Amanda seemed great!
But honestly, I didn't
hear a word she said
'cause I was just waiting
to tell her about my problems.
It's just that
every sign says
Adonis is
robbing me blind,
but my heart says
that's just what love
feels like.
Okay. What would
new Phe Phe say?
Oh, new Phe Phe says,
"Kick that negro
to the curb, girl, okay?
"You are too good
for this."
Okay. And what would
Orlando Phe Phe say?
Orlando Phe Phe
would say,
"You better keep him girl,
he is fine!"
Have you seen him
with his shirt off?
I've never met him.
Old Phe Phe
would also say,
"That dress makes you
look like a manatee
"stuffed into
a school girl uniform."
You should take it off.
Okay, well, there's
your answer then.
You know, I would say
that you should go
with new Phe Phe
because your old instincts
are wrong
and they're...
They're really mean.
You are so smart.
You are super, girl!
Thank you.
You know what?
You have got to
come with me
to my fashion show.
I insist, girl.
Oh, I don't think
that's a good idea...
No, I insist.
I don't think
it's healthy for me.
You will.
The only things
I've got here
are cocktails.
These are triggers,
these are triggers.
It was so good to see you,
it was so nice to see you.
Nothing can hurt you.
I don't wanna go.
I don't wanna go.
What are you doing?
Is it like a stretch?
Is it like a stretch?
I don't wanna go.
PHE PHE: You're going to have
the time of your life.
AMANDA: Oh, God.
Amanda gave me
a lot to think about,
but the show must go on.
So, by the power
of Phe-magination,
I'm gonna tell everybody
what my fashions
would have looked like.
Ha-ha! You can't stop me.
First up we have Jenfer.
Now, if my gays
had done their jobs,
Jenfer would be wearing
something fabulous right now.
She would've had on,
like, a red strapless
dress, you know?
And around the bottom
would be, like,
champagne died, man.
Yes, clap for my fashions,
they're beautiful.
Clap.
Clap, you bitches!
Thank you.
Man, I'm sick as balls
at modelling.
PHE PHE: Oh, look at Lisa
take a jab.
It's so weird to be back
in all this, you know.
I'm going to be sick.
Oh, here, take a sip.
Is there alcohol
in this?
I'm pregnant,
what do you think?
Sorry.
(COUGHING)
That's straight vodka.
Mmm-hmm.
No, duh, it was vodka!
I said I was pregnant!
I need something
to get me through
this nightmare.
PHE PHE: Next up,
we have Rochelle.
Atta girl,
it's good stuff, isn't it?
(CRYING)
Rochelle would be wearing,
like, a wrap.
And it would have,
like, a Pegasus horn
and it would give her
the power to fly.
Yes, honey,
fly, Rochelle!
And finally, we have Melody,
who would be wearing
a Dashiki line
and shrimp
and set on fire!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
It meant so much to me
seeing Amanda joining in
on my fashion show
during my hour of need.
It was like old times,
having the support
of my old friends.
I like your shrimp.
I like your shrimp.
In the end, I think
the fashion show
was a huge success,
no thanks to Adonis.
Took Amanda
to open my eyes.
That's what friendship
is really about.
Lifting each other up.
Ready for my speech!
Got your AA right here.
This one's A,
this one's A plus.
ACE: Since Jenfer got to be
the star of a baby shower
and a fashion show,
I decided to get
the guys together
to celebrate me
with a Dad-achelor party,
which just happens to be
the name of my new pilot
that I'm shooting right now.
So we got together
at Las Vegas' premiere golfing
and shooting range.
(GUN FIRING)
I saw this video online
with this chick
who's got like
big-ass titties
shooting two machine guns.
Guys, thanks
for being here.
It means a lot... Lester!
Come on, man,
you got to be on me.
This show is coming out
of my own pocket,
so I decided to hire
some cheap labor.
Right there.
That's my sister's kid,
Lester.
Guys...
What?
Stop shaking,
stop shaking.
It's not a bad life
or death thing.
You keep saying, "Guys."
Guys,
thanks for being here,
it means a lot to me.
Let's shoot
some guns, whoo!
I just paid him 20 bucks
and a couple of
expired Vicodin.
I mean, that's a deal.
You know,
I think this kid
is really going to complete
my life and my spin-off show.
No, I'm not too sure
about that, man.
Having a baby
ruins everything.
I'm glad I don't have
to worry about that
until I'm a grown up.
Ace is (BLEEP) though.
When we had Lola
last year,
no one cared about me.
They just cared about
our fat, beautiful,
magical baby.
Take it from a real
celebrity, guys.
As soon as
we had our kid,
I lost my mojo.
Now, I can't even
get booked in Reno.
Oh, yeah, I have a kid
and a wife.
I thought having a baby
was gonna be
like having a dog.
You know,
just another accessory
to make this guy
more adorable,
but now that I talked
to the guys,
I'm starting
to have my doubts.
Y'all are depressing me.
Hell, my wife
just cut up
all my credit cards.
Well, all the ones
that she knows about.
But I don't bitch! Nah!
I shoot!
(LAUGHING)
Yeah! That's awesome.
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
Argh!
(IN NERDY VOICE)
Did I do that?
Family Matters.
(LAUGHING)
You mean, did you...
Did you just kill that guy?
Kill that guy?
Yeah, you did do that.
I know, but that Urkel...
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, hey,
hold this for me.
(IN NERDY VOICE)
Are you sure I did that?
Yes, we're sure
that you shot that guy.
Family Matters.
ACE: No, but you don't
need to say that part.
Let me holler at ya'll
in a little while.
I'll catch y'all
around back.
Around back where?
Adonis, you drove.
DENISE: I'm a really
fun person.
But the other ladies
don't seem to know it yet.
So, I have decided
to throw a little party
that's really going
to hit the jackpot.
Step right up,
step right up,
to the Denise Casino!
We've got roulette,
we've got blackjack,
we've got poker.
Pick your poison!
Wait, wait, this is like
a casino party?
Yeah! I know how you guys
all like a theme, so...
But we live
in Las Vegas.
Right.
Why would we come
to a fake casino
when we could just go
to a real casino?
Am I missing
something?
Is it the language
barrier?
Yeah, no,
why don't you just
have your party
at a real casino
'cause that would be fun!
ALL: That would be fun!
DENISE: Does a real casino
have a teeny, tiny,
non-working slot machine?
(CHUCKLES)
I don't think so.
Ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Jackpot!
You win jellybeans!
Yay.
Aw... Okay.
This bitch
can't throw a party
to save her life.
Ooh. Ooh.
Um, listen,
we're gonna leave.
We all agreed,
this is the worst.
CALLIE: Yeah, even Ivanka
and I agree
and we don't agree
on anything.
Yeah.
Denise,
it's not your fault.
You know,
there are two kinds
of people in this world.
Those who can throw
a good party
and those who will
probably die alone.
You don't know
how I'm going to die!
I don't know
how you're going to die,
I just know that
you will not have
another person
near you
when it happens.
This is a great party,
you guys just haven't
embraced it yet.
Get into it,
let's turn on some music
and let's just dance!
So embarrassing for you.
Hey, I know.
FIRST LADY: I'm so sad
for you. Thank you.
WOMAN: Loved it.
Wait, wait, don't go!
Listen, we're gonna leave.
So embarrassing for you.
Hey, I know.
FIRST LADY: I'm so sad
for you. Thank you.
WOMAN: Loved it.
Wait, wait, wait,
don't go! Wait.
Thank you, Leona.
Thank you.
Look, we can all agree
this was an awful party.
I mean, this was
truly horrible.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
But you know what?
We're all together,
isn't that nice?
But the problem is,
everybody's fighting
with everybody else.
And it's just,
it's killing me,
it's breaking my heart.
My friends are all I have now.
My 30-year-old son
is grown up
and he's made it very clear
that he doesn't need me
anymore,
but my friends,
they need me.
I want my girls
to be friends again
and the only way
to stop the fighting
is to start fighting
with boxing.
Huh?
What was that?
With boxing.
It's the only way.
That's the only way?
Luckily we live in Vegas
where there is always
a boxer on call, literally.
You just call 1-800-BOXERS
and a boxer will be
to your house in
10 minutes or less.
I mean, I love this town.
Okay, Ivanka, Callie,
you guys are up first, okay?
I want you to think of this
like, like boxing therapy,
all right?
And Mick here,
he's going to help you
talk out your feelings
with your fists, okay?
I don't know
about all that.
Yeah, I'm a boxer.
I don't know anything
about feelings.
I just want to see
ladies hit each other.
(CHUCKLES)
You want to put
your left foot forward, okay?
You keep your hands up
and then you're going to jab.
Jab sets up everything.
Jab. Jab.
I don't understand.
Jab, jab, jab, jab.
After Ivanka slapped me
for touching
my brother's penis,
a.k.a. no reason,
I had decided
we were through.
Okay, I don't think
this is a good...
(ALL GASPING)
Finish her!
Finish her!
(ALL SCREAMING)
But it did feel good
to talk to her
using my word fists.
Oh, I like
this therapy.
One...
You're healing,
you're healing.
Two...
This feels
very healing to me.
Three...
That was a powerful
conversation.
All right, that was
a good first match.
A lot of times with women,
nobody gets hurt.
Yeah, that was really nice.
That was really...
I wanted First Lady
and Jenfer to go next,
but Jenfer just texted
that she can't come
because her baby
just dropped
and she's drinking
away the pain.
Guess what, babies drop
at the end of a pregnancy.
That means Jenfer
is nine months pregnant.
So when did
she get pregnant?
(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
June, no. Minus the one.
You got to divide that.
So, Phe Phe, Denise,
let's put Chair-nobyl
to rest.
We already did that!
Actually Phe Phe,
I kind of feel like
when you were
insulting my party tonight,
it felt like
that was a lot of shade.
Yeah, I felt that, too,
you two should fight.
I don't even know you,
all right?
You be quiet.
I will knock you out.
Really? Then jump in,
baby, jump in.
You don't know me.
Just by you talking to him
and not really directing it
at me,
that feels like shade, too.
Oh, you don't know
shade, honey, okay?
Because you're dealing
with the new Phe Phe
and you're lucky
because the old Phe Phe
throws shade
literally.
(GASPING)
Whoa!
DENISE: Okay,
you want to throw
some literal shade?
I can throw
literal shade, too!
Hey! This tree,
looks pretty shady, huh?
MICK: No, no, no, no!
Like if you stood
under it, maybe,
you wouldn't get
a sunburn!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, no! That bitch
did not throw a tree at me!
Oh, I did!
Okay, you want to
throw shade!
I want to throw shade!
Well, then let's throw shade!
Hey, come on, you don't
want to do that.
Just fight each other.
You want shade?
DENISE: I want it!
Here it comes, bitch!
(SCREAMING)
I once saw a man
kill another man in the ring.
But I've never seen
anything as brutal
as that shade.
Well, I happen to have
brought some shade
to the party tonight
for us to listen to.
PHE PHE: Oh, really?
How's this for shade?
Oh, that's it, oh, my God!
Look at that,
you ignorant bitch!
That is Sade! Sade!
Okay, okay,
stop fighting!
You're right,
what are we fighting for?
No, I don't care
about that!
I just figured
something out!
If Jenfer is nine
months pregnant...
Oh, my God!
I know, babe.
That means...
That means...
That means
the baby is mine!
(SQUEALING)
It can't be
possible, right?
No, I don't think so.
Not what I thought
you were going to say.
(SCREAMING)
Sha-la-lom! Matty G here
with the Hotwives cool down.
We're live
from the treehouse
and wow, what an episode
full of terrible violence.
And speaking
of terrible violence,
joining me tonight
is Hotwife of Orlando,
Shawna.
Are you saying
that I'm terrible
at violence?
Cause I'm amazing
at violence, okay?
I will murder you!
You are dead!
Wow, sounds like fun.
Stay tuned.