The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - You Make Me Wanna Drought - full transcript
CALLIE: Previously, on
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
JENFER: Being born
without the tippy-top
of my pointer finger
is a hardship I've struggled
with my whole life.
Jenfer and I were inseparable
but, her fiance Ace,
used to be my fiance.
How could I be eight months
pregnant, when Ace and I
didn't even get
together until after
he and First Lady
broke up, you dumbass?
Vance's sister Callie
has just moved to town
and they're very close.
CALLIE: Blood is
thicker than water.
So is soup. And juice.
Do you, Jenfer, take Ace?
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
JENFER: Jesus, take the wheel
'cause I'm too drunk to drive.
FIRST LADY:
When life gives you lemons,
make a cleanse out of them.
IVANKA: I'm better than
you, and I know it,
everyone does.
PHE PHE: I'm like
a slot machine,
pull my arm, and
truth comes out.
Jackpot!
LEONA: I'm here to help,
whether you want it or not.
DENISE: I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
CALLIE: Don't mess with me,
or a smoke monster from
my vagina will kill you.
(SNORING)
What's it...
Push it in there.
Where did it go?
Oh, good morning, husband.
Well, good morning, wife.
Oh, side lip.
This is how I always dreamed
that married life would be.
(LAUGHING)
Um, ex...excuse me?
Hmm, what?
Can we get a ride home?
Check this (BLEEP) out!
I'm a married woman now.
I feel like a princess who
finally found her prince.
Even though her prince was
with a different princess
when she found him.
Anyway, it was a
fairytale wedding,
minus my friends interrupting
to fight over a chair.
(ALL ARGUING)
(SCREAMING)
But, you know what?
The ceremony got back on track
and we had a great time.
SHASTA: Put your
hand in me.
Do it!
You know you want it!
No. No, no, no!
I did that last night.
As if getting married to my
dream man wasn't enough,
last night, on our
wedding night,
and not before,
I got knocked up!
That's right, it
happened last night.
I'll tell you what, I woke up
this morning and I just had
a feeling there was
a baby in here.
Baby, where's that
cooking sherry at?
Oh, it's right here.
Right down here.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
That a girl.
I'm drinking for two, now.
(LAUGHS)
We are so excited to tell
our friends the good news,
that we got pregnant
after we got married,
and way, way, way after
First Lady and Ace broke up.
Hey, do you have any Asian in
you, 'cause you know, like,
Asian and black babies,
people love those.
They test really well.
No.
Really?
I've had them in me.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, Jenfer's wedding was
a complete disaster.
And not just because of
that whole chair thing,
but because Callie,
Vance's sister,
was all up in Vance's hand.
My hands were cold, he's
warming them up for me.
My hands get cold, too.
So, I'm going to do
the right thing,
and throw a beautiful,
glamorous charity party,
to show that whore
who the real alpha
whore is around here.
And also to help people.
Oh, great! Okay,
perfect, that goes in the
other room, thank you.
Wait.
You know what?
I think I'll just have you
hold it the whole time.
I think that looks good.
I'm going to need you to
keep it very still though,
'cause your arms are
shaking a little bit.
Keep it still.
Really, I need you
to keep it still!
Do you want to
go to the camps?
I mean, do you want me to
have to hire another company?
Just keep it still.
Vegas is experiencing its
worst drought in known history
and I'm going to fix it.
Because I'm better
than Callie.
I can't even believe it,
but I got Antoine Donner,
the party planner of
the stars in Orlando
to fly out here and help
make my party amazing.
I want to go with an
under-the-sea theme,
you know, show people what's
at stake in this horrible,
horrible drought.
Plus, let's be honest,
I look amazing in blue.
No, you're wrong.
Your color is dusk, you look
like a corpse in anything but.
Also, I hate your house.
I normally don't do
parties in Las Vegas,
because it is a
disgusting cesspool.
This is tragedy,
and if you were the one that
bought it, I want to slap you.
It wasn't me.
Good.
But, Orlando's dead right now.
One catastrophic hurricane
and no one wants to party.
Which one says,
"I deserve a chair"?
Sin City Pink, or Razzmatazz?
Mom, you are so sad.
You're right, Razzmatazz.
Knock knock, who's there?
My baby. (LAUGHS)
LEONA:
That fight over the chair
at Jenfer's wedding was
real disturbing.
(ALL ARGUING)
(SCREAMING)
Knowing that we're all going
to see each other tonight
at Ivanka's charity/
I'm-better-than-Callie party,
made me want to clear the air
between Denise and Phe Phe.
Start with a clean slate.
You know? To make
room for new fights.
Hi, hon.
Look at you, doll.
I'm just really shaken
by the whole thing.
It just makes me
go, "Who am I?
"What am I worth?
"Do I even deserve a chair?"
That bitch does not
deserve a chair, but
this is the new Phe Phe.
So I just want to be peaceful
and forget about the whole
explosive chair fight.
Which I am now
calling Chair-Nobyl.
You can get these
on my website.
Everybody knows, the only
way to get past something
is to re-hash it.
Ladies,
my Nonna always said,
you wanna bury a beef,
you find yourself
a slot machine,
and you play until
that beef is buried.
(SLOT MACHINES BEEPING)
(SLOT MACHINES CHIMING)
Look, you know I got
to be the new Phe Phe
so I will tell you calmly,
the reason I took your
chair was because
you were throwing
shade at me all night.
But I wasn't, I wasn't
throwing shade at you.
So now you're saying
that I don't know
when someone's
throwing shade at me?
Because if that's
what you're saying,
then you are throwing
shade right now.
I'm sure you know when someone
is throwing shade at you,
but what I am saying is, no
shade was thrown at you by me.
This isn't the first time
I've been accused of
throwing shade when I wasn't.
I think I just have
a resting shade face.
I've been punched for it.
If you swear
that you were not
throwing shade
I guess I could let it go.
I wasn't.
Ladies, I really do not
wanna stir things up.
It's the last
thing I wanna do,
but, I will say that
although no shade was
thrown directly at me,
I do feel like I got
residual shade all over me.
I mean, that can happen in
an explosion like Chair-Nobyl.
Shade everywhere.
BOTH: Yeah.
It's true.
Are you guys almost done?
Because my friend and I,
we have a beef to settle
and we want these slots,
and I think your beef
is a little medium-rare.
(SCOFFS)
Sorry, are you throwing
us shade about our beef?
No, you don't mess
with an Orlando girl.
You're from Orlando?
Yeah.
So are we!
What? Shut up, bitch.
No way, hey!
(LAUGHING)
We'll go fight somewhere else.
Have a great day!
Have a good fight.
Yeah, enjoy it.
You meet the nicest
people in casinos.
You really do.
You really do.
Now that I'm newly pregnant,
I feel the need to
provide for my child.
And I want to do it
the American way.
By capitalizing
on my disability.
So I'm writing
a book about it!
JENFER: I've never
written before, or read,
so I invited Callie to my
publishers for support.
And plus, I want to get
to know her better.
And she's a writer,
so she can help me.
I write fan fiction for the
television shows Charmed,
Sabrina the Teenage Witch,
and Barney Miller.
I want to tell your story.
Because it's an
important story.
And I think that you
have something to say.
Mmm-hmm.
And so does your missing
finger tip, especially
in an adorable little voice,
in...
(MIMICKING TODDLER)
The Loneliest Fingertip.
What?
Loneliest.
Oh, wow.
That's my fingertip?
Yes. Exactly.
Wow.
Yeah.
It is the story of a tip
that gets violently severed
from the rest of its finger,
and it goes off on these
wonderful adventures,
they're all very sweet,
and G-rated.
Do I have to write it?
No, no, no. We have a whole
bunch of people in Korea
that do that for us.
Ooh, I love that.
Damn it, I love it. Mmm-hmm.
That looks good, God damn.
Yeah.
You like it?
God damn.
Yes.
Whoo!
Wow. (LAUGHING) I can't
believe that she said yes.
I, uh, have pitched ideas
like this to a lot of people.
I pitched The Loneliest
Testicle to Lance Armstrong.
I pitched The Loneliest Arm
to that little Hawaiian surfer
girl with the shark thing...
And, um,
this is the first time I've
ever pitched it to somebody
who didn't throw
coffee in my face.
This isn't about you.
This is not about you.
It was great getting
to know Callie.
It is not about you.
It's not about you.
(BELLOWING) It is
not about you!
This is not about you!
Because you never really
know how to hate a person
until you get to know 'em.
DENISE: Kenzie, I need you!
Mackenzie, I need you.
What? What is it now, Mom?
Will you help put
my makeup on me?
You're so good at
doing things for me.
I really lean on my
daughter to parent me.
That's why I had a child.
Do you love me?
Yeah, I love you.
Are you proud of me?
Yeah, I'm proud of you, Mom.
Are you proud of how
much I love you?
Very proud of how
much you love me.
Do you think it's enough?
It's too much.
(SIGHS)
No, that's not good.
Ivanka's party today is
super important for me.
I humiliated myself
at Jenfer's wedding.
(SCREAMING)
So tonight, I am going
to be super normal.
(LAUGHS) Which is easy for me,
and I'm just going to have fun
and introduce everybody to
my new boyfriend, Kelly.
Hi, Kelly.
Well, Denise,
(IMITATING) Kelly's not here,
it's a wonderful life,
George Bailey.
(LAUGHING)
That's, um, Jimmy...
Stewart.
Stewart, yeah!
I love it!
You loved that.
Kelly is a world-famous
impressionist.
He's known as,
The Man With 873 Voices.
His show was the most
attended show in Vegas
in the '90s.
Until Danny Gans came along
with, like, 1,000 voices
and just took it
all away from him.
(HUMMING) Another classic.
A dancing fish?
No!
He makes me laugh so much.
Especially when I understand
what impression he's doing.
(IMITATING) Say hello
to my little friend.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
Oh, ah...
Oh, um, Ricky Ricardo!
No.
Um, ah, um, Rosie O'Donnell.
No. (CHUCKLES)
That guy I saw at Target.
No!
Scar...
Scarlett Johansson.
Scarface.
Face!
Of course, yes, it
sounds exactly like that.
Oh, Mackenzie! Mackenzie.
Come here and meet
Mama's new friend, Kelly.
Bond, James Bond.
But people call me Kelly.
(LAUGHING)
Who was that?
Who was that?
Who was that?
Daniel Craig?
Daniel Craig.
No, I was doing the real
James Bond, Sean Connery.
I'm really excited to
bring Kelly to Ivanka's
charity/I'm-better-than-Callie
party, so that all the girls
can meet him, and tell me
if I like him or not.
Fat Albert gotta go
take a big old fat dump.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That hug from Kelly really
filled up my hug bucket,
which is not a
euphemism for my vagina.
Though it did make my
vagina feel good, too.
Oh, oh, that's perfect.
Oh, enjoy the party.
I thought for the fundraiser,
it would be a great idea
for everyone to dress
in a sea costume
just to show our support
and beautiful breasts,
some breasts being more
beautiful than others.
First Lady! Oh...
You're also dressed
like a mermaid.
Well, who wore it best?
(LAUGHING)
Enjoy the party.
Okay.
Oh, Denise.
Also a mermaid.
Ah, well, who wore it best?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Just kidding, I know it's you.
(LAUGHING) Okay, thank you!
Oh, you must be Kelly.
You talkin' to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you.
You talkin' to me, De Niro?
He's doing an
impression of De Niro.
Because he said De Niro.
(LAUGHS)
That's hilarious, I love it.
Thanks.
(LAUGHING)
We're gonna go inside.
Enjoy.
Argh you ready
for a good time?
Oh!
Oh, Adonis!
That was you the whole time?
That was me,
underneath this.
Wow!
I decided to send Adonis to
Ivanka's party in my place
because I just needed some
quality time to myself.
And a drought charity
party just sounded lame,
I hate water.
That's a nice necklace
you got there.
My good eye can see that.
Oh, oh, thank you.
I was happy to produce
Phe Phe's non-appearance
at Ivanka's party.
You know, I love
all her friends
and all her friends' houses,
and all that stuff
in all her friends' houses.
Yeah, this is a nice spread.
Thank you.
Is that an Onyx Sofa?
ACE: Hi, Ivanka, how are you?
Hi, Ace.
IVANKA:
Oh, we don't need the kisses.
This is how you do it,
where you're from?
No, well, a little different.
Where's Jenfer?
Oh, unfortunately, I'm
sorry, I forgot to tell
her about the party.
What?
And by the time
I realized my mistake,
I still didn't
tell her about it.
Anyway, here's the
big thing I'm hoping.
I hope I don't get in here,
and get wasted out of my mind.
Because that would be wild.
Ace's wild.
Why don't you go inside?
The cameras are also in there.
There are cameras
in there? Perfect.
Yeah, please don't...
Hey!
Oh...
Great, I guess we're all
going to be mermaids, perfect.
Who wore it best, right?
No.
No, I'm joking, of course.
We look exactly the same.
What?
Junior!
Listen, I hope you don't mind.
I had to bring the kid.
I didn't want to leave
him home alone,
and I couldn't find a sitter.
I mean, I guess it's okay...
It's so hard being a single
mom, it's like, it takes a
village, you know?
What's your Wi-Fi password?
So smart with
his computer stuff.
Hey, Ma, it's not
computers, okay?
It's massive multiplayer
online, interactive
pornography.
Leona is very
attached to her son.
I mean, we all baby our kids,
but, most of our kids
are actual children.
Ever since my husband died,
God rest his soul,
Junior's had a real rough
time of it, you know?
He had a really hard
time in middle school,
and high school,
and his early 20s and mid-20s,
and late 20s.
And, you know what?
Thirty hasn't been
a peach, either.
I'm wearing it best.
When Ivanka invited
me to her charity/
I'm-better-than-Callie party
I really didn't want to go.
But then I realized, it
was a great opportunity
to prove her wrong,
and to show her that I'm
better than Callie...
Wait, uh, I'm Callie.
Am I better than me?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Attention, everyone,
attention.
I just wanted to
thank everyone for
coming here today.
I feel very kind to be
raising awareness
about this terrible
Las Vegas drought.
Our reservoirs are at the
lowest levels in decades,
which affects our wildlife,
our food supply, and
most importantly,
our golf courses.
So I pledge that every
dollar we raise today
is going to go to
laying pipeline,
secretly, on an Indian
reservation, in Colorado,
where we will siphon their
savage water, directly
to our country clubs
and casinos.
(APPLAUSE)
Let's eat!
No, no, Denise,
you're at that table.
I thought it would be a
great idea to separate
everyone into two tables.
One amazing table with water
luges and ice sculptures.
Decadence.
(LAUGHING)
And then another, just
really small table
with just cups of dirt water.
I thought it would
highlight the disparity
of life with or without water.
And also show people
whether or not I like them.
You saw where Callie
was sitting, right?
I think she got it.
(TAPPING ON GLASS)
Attention, everybody, please,
I deserve your attention.
Everyone, thank you.
Guys, I have some
really, really big news
that I wanna share.
Ace came here without Jenfer.
So I thought he was going to
announce that they'd split up
and that I was the
only woman for him,
and he wanted me back,
and that he loves every
single thing about me,
from how I order salad,
to how I crinkle up my nose.
Jenfer and I...
Are pregnant.
(WHIMPERING CRY)
(APPLAUSE)
I knew that Jenfer
would want me to
take the spotlight
and tell everyone,
so I went for it.
For her.
Now, it's very, very early in
the pregnancy, so we're only
sharing this with our closest
friends and tabloids.
I'm so...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Happy for you.
Thank you so much, that's very
big of you. I appreciate it.
But on second thought,
I'm totally over Ace,
and if he professed
his love for me
it'd be so embarrassing
for him,
'cause I'm doing great.
Hey, I feel like Dorothy in
Munchkin Land, Woody Allen.
Is that because I'm
The Wicked Witch?
The guests should be doused.
(WATER SPRAYING)
Ah!
Even though my
party was amazing,
I still had one surprise
left for my guests.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's my baby's seat right
here. This is Phe Phe's.
But Phe Phe's not even here.
Yeah, but she asked me to save
her a chair, out of respect.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
All right, everybody.
I know this is hard to
believe, after the orca rides,
but I have one more
special treat for you.
My gorgeous and
dynamic husband Vance,
who I know all of you
could never understand
how he agreed to marry me...
(INAUDIBLE)
Is going to perform his
newest bubble trick.
Darling.
(APPLAUSE)
VANCE: Bubbles.
The eighth wonder
of the world.
And without water,
there are no bubbles.
Tonight, we end the drought
and begin the age of bubbles.
My love, get my
bubble cauldron.
I'll get it this time.
(LAUGHS)
The world without smiles
is not a world that
I want to live in.
(CROWD GASPING)
I always hold Vance's
bubbles at charity parties.
This was my moment,
how dare she?
Feel the bubbles.
(MOANS)
They're so sexy.
They're so sexy.
They're also so intriguing,
the way that
you do those bubbles.
(MOANING)
(MOANING)
So sexy, make your
big brother bubbles.
Feel the bubbles
coming inside of you.
Bubbles entering me from
the outside onto my inside.
Oh, I feel them.
Oh, yes, yes, Vance,
it's very sexy.
Oh, big bubbles.
Pop the bubble on my face, not
in my hair, just on my face.
You can put them
anywhere you want on me.
Anywhere you want.
I'm going to not be able
to stand it much longer.
(BOTH MOANING)
(MOANING AND SCREAMING)
(CLIMACTIC MOANING)
(GASPS)
But he's my husband,
only I should fake orgasm
over him in public. (SCOFFS)
Oh, I wasn't faking.
Can I blow some bubbles?
(GASPS) What? No, you
can't blow any bubbles.
There's a professional
bubble blower here.
No one wants to see
your amateur breath
inside an orb of soap.
Junior, you go inside.
Hey, hey, that's enough!
You can't tell my baby
to go inside.
My dream party was
turning into a nightmare.
IVANKA: There's going
to be no opinions at my
husband's bubble show!
Ah, hell no!
You did not just sit
in Phe Phe's chair.
That empty chair was
for me to not sit in.
Who does Denise think she was?
Me? I don't think so.
Burn the chair!
I deserve this chair!
Denise, this is
undignified behavior!
Ladies, please!
A drought charity, dinner
party, bubble show
is not the time
or place for this.
Enough, okay?
So you're kicking me out?
What? No, I never said that.
Hey, get your hands off of me!
There is no need
to push me out.
FIRST LADY: There's
no hands on you, Denise.
Oh, come on. So I'm just
doing this to myself?
Do not turn this around on me.
I am not crazy.
I am not crazy!
DENISE: Don't tell me to
watch out for the fire pit.
You watch out
for the fire pit!
No need to push me!
I'm getting gone.
I'm getting gone.
You don't...
Hey, hands off!
You don't think I
can see myself out?
I can see...
Hey, hey, hey.
I can see myself out.
Hey, don't push
me out of here.
(GATE CLANGING)
Between Callie
stealing my orgasm,
and Denise going
to crazy town,
I fear that my charity/
I'm-better-than-Callie party
has turned into an
I'm-equal-to-Callie party.
How can I be equal to anyone?
Shalom, y'all!
It's me, Maddy Green,
host of the Hotwives Cooldown.
Joining me is special guest,
Crystal Simmons from
The Hotwives of Orlando.
What do you think about
tonight's episode?
Oh my goodness,
it's such a good one,
but I'm sorry, the fact
that Jenfer is that big
and says she's only
newly pregnant, can
only mean one thing...
She's pregnant
with God's child!
'Cause only He can make a
miracle like that happen!
Go Jesus!
A new messiah, neat-o!
Stay tuned!
The Hotwives of Las Vegas.
JENFER: Being born
without the tippy-top
of my pointer finger
is a hardship I've struggled
with my whole life.
Jenfer and I were inseparable
but, her fiance Ace,
used to be my fiance.
How could I be eight months
pregnant, when Ace and I
didn't even get
together until after
he and First Lady
broke up, you dumbass?
Vance's sister Callie
has just moved to town
and they're very close.
CALLIE: Blood is
thicker than water.
So is soup. And juice.
Do you, Jenfer, take Ace?
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
JENFER: Jesus, take the wheel
'cause I'm too drunk to drive.
FIRST LADY:
When life gives you lemons,
make a cleanse out of them.
IVANKA: I'm better than
you, and I know it,
everyone does.
PHE PHE: I'm like
a slot machine,
pull my arm, and
truth comes out.
Jackpot!
LEONA: I'm here to help,
whether you want it or not.
DENISE: I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
CALLIE: Don't mess with me,
or a smoke monster from
my vagina will kill you.
(SNORING)
What's it...
Push it in there.
Where did it go?
Oh, good morning, husband.
Well, good morning, wife.
Oh, side lip.
This is how I always dreamed
that married life would be.
(LAUGHING)
Um, ex...excuse me?
Hmm, what?
Can we get a ride home?
Check this (BLEEP) out!
I'm a married woman now.
I feel like a princess who
finally found her prince.
Even though her prince was
with a different princess
when she found him.
Anyway, it was a
fairytale wedding,
minus my friends interrupting
to fight over a chair.
(ALL ARGUING)
(SCREAMING)
But, you know what?
The ceremony got back on track
and we had a great time.
SHASTA: Put your
hand in me.
Do it!
You know you want it!
No. No, no, no!
I did that last night.
As if getting married to my
dream man wasn't enough,
last night, on our
wedding night,
and not before,
I got knocked up!
That's right, it
happened last night.
I'll tell you what, I woke up
this morning and I just had
a feeling there was
a baby in here.
Baby, where's that
cooking sherry at?
Oh, it's right here.
Right down here.
Okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
That a girl.
I'm drinking for two, now.
(LAUGHS)
We are so excited to tell
our friends the good news,
that we got pregnant
after we got married,
and way, way, way after
First Lady and Ace broke up.
Hey, do you have any Asian in
you, 'cause you know, like,
Asian and black babies,
people love those.
They test really well.
No.
Really?
I've had them in me.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, Jenfer's wedding was
a complete disaster.
And not just because of
that whole chair thing,
but because Callie,
Vance's sister,
was all up in Vance's hand.
My hands were cold, he's
warming them up for me.
My hands get cold, too.
So, I'm going to do
the right thing,
and throw a beautiful,
glamorous charity party,
to show that whore
who the real alpha
whore is around here.
And also to help people.
Oh, great! Okay,
perfect, that goes in the
other room, thank you.
Wait.
You know what?
I think I'll just have you
hold it the whole time.
I think that looks good.
I'm going to need you to
keep it very still though,
'cause your arms are
shaking a little bit.
Keep it still.
Really, I need you
to keep it still!
Do you want to
go to the camps?
I mean, do you want me to
have to hire another company?
Just keep it still.
Vegas is experiencing its
worst drought in known history
and I'm going to fix it.
Because I'm better
than Callie.
I can't even believe it,
but I got Antoine Donner,
the party planner of
the stars in Orlando
to fly out here and help
make my party amazing.
I want to go with an
under-the-sea theme,
you know, show people what's
at stake in this horrible,
horrible drought.
Plus, let's be honest,
I look amazing in blue.
No, you're wrong.
Your color is dusk, you look
like a corpse in anything but.
Also, I hate your house.
I normally don't do
parties in Las Vegas,
because it is a
disgusting cesspool.
This is tragedy,
and if you were the one that
bought it, I want to slap you.
It wasn't me.
Good.
But, Orlando's dead right now.
One catastrophic hurricane
and no one wants to party.
Which one says,
"I deserve a chair"?
Sin City Pink, or Razzmatazz?
Mom, you are so sad.
You're right, Razzmatazz.
Knock knock, who's there?
My baby. (LAUGHS)
LEONA:
That fight over the chair
at Jenfer's wedding was
real disturbing.
(ALL ARGUING)
(SCREAMING)
Knowing that we're all going
to see each other tonight
at Ivanka's charity/
I'm-better-than-Callie party,
made me want to clear the air
between Denise and Phe Phe.
Start with a clean slate.
You know? To make
room for new fights.
Hi, hon.
Look at you, doll.
I'm just really shaken
by the whole thing.
It just makes me
go, "Who am I?
"What am I worth?
"Do I even deserve a chair?"
That bitch does not
deserve a chair, but
this is the new Phe Phe.
So I just want to be peaceful
and forget about the whole
explosive chair fight.
Which I am now
calling Chair-Nobyl.
You can get these
on my website.
Everybody knows, the only
way to get past something
is to re-hash it.
Ladies,
my Nonna always said,
you wanna bury a beef,
you find yourself
a slot machine,
and you play until
that beef is buried.
(SLOT MACHINES BEEPING)
(SLOT MACHINES CHIMING)
Look, you know I got
to be the new Phe Phe
so I will tell you calmly,
the reason I took your
chair was because
you were throwing
shade at me all night.
But I wasn't, I wasn't
throwing shade at you.
So now you're saying
that I don't know
when someone's
throwing shade at me?
Because if that's
what you're saying,
then you are throwing
shade right now.
I'm sure you know when someone
is throwing shade at you,
but what I am saying is, no
shade was thrown at you by me.
This isn't the first time
I've been accused of
throwing shade when I wasn't.
I think I just have
a resting shade face.
I've been punched for it.
If you swear
that you were not
throwing shade
I guess I could let it go.
I wasn't.
Ladies, I really do not
wanna stir things up.
It's the last
thing I wanna do,
but, I will say that
although no shade was
thrown directly at me,
I do feel like I got
residual shade all over me.
I mean, that can happen in
an explosion like Chair-Nobyl.
Shade everywhere.
BOTH: Yeah.
It's true.
Are you guys almost done?
Because my friend and I,
we have a beef to settle
and we want these slots,
and I think your beef
is a little medium-rare.
(SCOFFS)
Sorry, are you throwing
us shade about our beef?
No, you don't mess
with an Orlando girl.
You're from Orlando?
Yeah.
So are we!
What? Shut up, bitch.
No way, hey!
(LAUGHING)
We'll go fight somewhere else.
Have a great day!
Have a good fight.
Yeah, enjoy it.
You meet the nicest
people in casinos.
You really do.
You really do.
Now that I'm newly pregnant,
I feel the need to
provide for my child.
And I want to do it
the American way.
By capitalizing
on my disability.
So I'm writing
a book about it!
JENFER: I've never
written before, or read,
so I invited Callie to my
publishers for support.
And plus, I want to get
to know her better.
And she's a writer,
so she can help me.
I write fan fiction for the
television shows Charmed,
Sabrina the Teenage Witch,
and Barney Miller.
I want to tell your story.
Because it's an
important story.
And I think that you
have something to say.
Mmm-hmm.
And so does your missing
finger tip, especially
in an adorable little voice,
in...
(MIMICKING TODDLER)
The Loneliest Fingertip.
What?
Loneliest.
Oh, wow.
That's my fingertip?
Yes. Exactly.
Wow.
Yeah.
It is the story of a tip
that gets violently severed
from the rest of its finger,
and it goes off on these
wonderful adventures,
they're all very sweet,
and G-rated.
Do I have to write it?
No, no, no. We have a whole
bunch of people in Korea
that do that for us.
Ooh, I love that.
Damn it, I love it. Mmm-hmm.
That looks good, God damn.
Yeah.
You like it?
God damn.
Yes.
Whoo!
Wow. (LAUGHING) I can't
believe that she said yes.
I, uh, have pitched ideas
like this to a lot of people.
I pitched The Loneliest
Testicle to Lance Armstrong.
I pitched The Loneliest Arm
to that little Hawaiian surfer
girl with the shark thing...
And, um,
this is the first time I've
ever pitched it to somebody
who didn't throw
coffee in my face.
This isn't about you.
This is not about you.
It was great getting
to know Callie.
It is not about you.
It's not about you.
(BELLOWING) It is
not about you!
This is not about you!
Because you never really
know how to hate a person
until you get to know 'em.
DENISE: Kenzie, I need you!
Mackenzie, I need you.
What? What is it now, Mom?
Will you help put
my makeup on me?
You're so good at
doing things for me.
I really lean on my
daughter to parent me.
That's why I had a child.
Do you love me?
Yeah, I love you.
Are you proud of me?
Yeah, I'm proud of you, Mom.
Are you proud of how
much I love you?
Very proud of how
much you love me.
Do you think it's enough?
It's too much.
(SIGHS)
No, that's not good.
Ivanka's party today is
super important for me.
I humiliated myself
at Jenfer's wedding.
(SCREAMING)
So tonight, I am going
to be super normal.
(LAUGHS) Which is easy for me,
and I'm just going to have fun
and introduce everybody to
my new boyfriend, Kelly.
Hi, Kelly.
Well, Denise,
(IMITATING) Kelly's not here,
it's a wonderful life,
George Bailey.
(LAUGHING)
That's, um, Jimmy...
Stewart.
Stewart, yeah!
I love it!
You loved that.
Kelly is a world-famous
impressionist.
He's known as,
The Man With 873 Voices.
His show was the most
attended show in Vegas
in the '90s.
Until Danny Gans came along
with, like, 1,000 voices
and just took it
all away from him.
(HUMMING) Another classic.
A dancing fish?
No!
He makes me laugh so much.
Especially when I understand
what impression he's doing.
(IMITATING) Say hello
to my little friend.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
Oh, ah...
Oh, um, Ricky Ricardo!
No.
Um, ah, um, Rosie O'Donnell.
No. (CHUCKLES)
That guy I saw at Target.
No!
Scar...
Scarlett Johansson.
Scarface.
Face!
Of course, yes, it
sounds exactly like that.
Oh, Mackenzie! Mackenzie.
Come here and meet
Mama's new friend, Kelly.
Bond, James Bond.
But people call me Kelly.
(LAUGHING)
Who was that?
Who was that?
Who was that?
Daniel Craig?
Daniel Craig.
No, I was doing the real
James Bond, Sean Connery.
I'm really excited to
bring Kelly to Ivanka's
charity/I'm-better-than-Callie
party, so that all the girls
can meet him, and tell me
if I like him or not.
Fat Albert gotta go
take a big old fat dump.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That hug from Kelly really
filled up my hug bucket,
which is not a
euphemism for my vagina.
Though it did make my
vagina feel good, too.
Oh, oh, that's perfect.
Oh, enjoy the party.
I thought for the fundraiser,
it would be a great idea
for everyone to dress
in a sea costume
just to show our support
and beautiful breasts,
some breasts being more
beautiful than others.
First Lady! Oh...
You're also dressed
like a mermaid.
Well, who wore it best?
(LAUGHING)
Enjoy the party.
Okay.
Oh, Denise.
Also a mermaid.
Ah, well, who wore it best?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Just kidding, I know it's you.
(LAUGHING) Okay, thank you!
Oh, you must be Kelly.
You talkin' to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you.
You talkin' to me, De Niro?
He's doing an
impression of De Niro.
Because he said De Niro.
(LAUGHS)
That's hilarious, I love it.
Thanks.
(LAUGHING)
We're gonna go inside.
Enjoy.
Argh you ready
for a good time?
Oh!
Oh, Adonis!
That was you the whole time?
That was me,
underneath this.
Wow!
I decided to send Adonis to
Ivanka's party in my place
because I just needed some
quality time to myself.
And a drought charity
party just sounded lame,
I hate water.
That's a nice necklace
you got there.
My good eye can see that.
Oh, oh, thank you.
I was happy to produce
Phe Phe's non-appearance
at Ivanka's party.
You know, I love
all her friends
and all her friends' houses,
and all that stuff
in all her friends' houses.
Yeah, this is a nice spread.
Thank you.
Is that an Onyx Sofa?
ACE: Hi, Ivanka, how are you?
Hi, Ace.
IVANKA:
Oh, we don't need the kisses.
This is how you do it,
where you're from?
No, well, a little different.
Where's Jenfer?
Oh, unfortunately, I'm
sorry, I forgot to tell
her about the party.
What?
And by the time
I realized my mistake,
I still didn't
tell her about it.
Anyway, here's the
big thing I'm hoping.
I hope I don't get in here,
and get wasted out of my mind.
Because that would be wild.
Ace's wild.
Why don't you go inside?
The cameras are also in there.
There are cameras
in there? Perfect.
Yeah, please don't...
Hey!
Oh...
Great, I guess we're all
going to be mermaids, perfect.
Who wore it best, right?
No.
No, I'm joking, of course.
We look exactly the same.
What?
Junior!
Listen, I hope you don't mind.
I had to bring the kid.
I didn't want to leave
him home alone,
and I couldn't find a sitter.
I mean, I guess it's okay...
It's so hard being a single
mom, it's like, it takes a
village, you know?
What's your Wi-Fi password?
So smart with
his computer stuff.
Hey, Ma, it's not
computers, okay?
It's massive multiplayer
online, interactive
pornography.
Leona is very
attached to her son.
I mean, we all baby our kids,
but, most of our kids
are actual children.
Ever since my husband died,
God rest his soul,
Junior's had a real rough
time of it, you know?
He had a really hard
time in middle school,
and high school,
and his early 20s and mid-20s,
and late 20s.
And, you know what?
Thirty hasn't been
a peach, either.
I'm wearing it best.
When Ivanka invited
me to her charity/
I'm-better-than-Callie party
I really didn't want to go.
But then I realized, it
was a great opportunity
to prove her wrong,
and to show her that I'm
better than Callie...
Wait, uh, I'm Callie.
Am I better than me?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Attention, everyone,
attention.
I just wanted to
thank everyone for
coming here today.
I feel very kind to be
raising awareness
about this terrible
Las Vegas drought.
Our reservoirs are at the
lowest levels in decades,
which affects our wildlife,
our food supply, and
most importantly,
our golf courses.
So I pledge that every
dollar we raise today
is going to go to
laying pipeline,
secretly, on an Indian
reservation, in Colorado,
where we will siphon their
savage water, directly
to our country clubs
and casinos.
(APPLAUSE)
Let's eat!
No, no, Denise,
you're at that table.
I thought it would be a
great idea to separate
everyone into two tables.
One amazing table with water
luges and ice sculptures.
Decadence.
(LAUGHING)
And then another, just
really small table
with just cups of dirt water.
I thought it would
highlight the disparity
of life with or without water.
And also show people
whether or not I like them.
You saw where Callie
was sitting, right?
I think she got it.
(TAPPING ON GLASS)
Attention, everybody, please,
I deserve your attention.
Everyone, thank you.
Guys, I have some
really, really big news
that I wanna share.
Ace came here without Jenfer.
So I thought he was going to
announce that they'd split up
and that I was the
only woman for him,
and he wanted me back,
and that he loves every
single thing about me,
from how I order salad,
to how I crinkle up my nose.
Jenfer and I...
Are pregnant.
(WHIMPERING CRY)
(APPLAUSE)
I knew that Jenfer
would want me to
take the spotlight
and tell everyone,
so I went for it.
For her.
Now, it's very, very early in
the pregnancy, so we're only
sharing this with our closest
friends and tabloids.
I'm so...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Happy for you.
Thank you so much, that's very
big of you. I appreciate it.
But on second thought,
I'm totally over Ace,
and if he professed
his love for me
it'd be so embarrassing
for him,
'cause I'm doing great.
Hey, I feel like Dorothy in
Munchkin Land, Woody Allen.
Is that because I'm
The Wicked Witch?
The guests should be doused.
(WATER SPRAYING)
Ah!
Even though my
party was amazing,
I still had one surprise
left for my guests.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's my baby's seat right
here. This is Phe Phe's.
But Phe Phe's not even here.
Yeah, but she asked me to save
her a chair, out of respect.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
All right, everybody.
I know this is hard to
believe, after the orca rides,
but I have one more
special treat for you.
My gorgeous and
dynamic husband Vance,
who I know all of you
could never understand
how he agreed to marry me...
(INAUDIBLE)
Is going to perform his
newest bubble trick.
Darling.
(APPLAUSE)
VANCE: Bubbles.
The eighth wonder
of the world.
And without water,
there are no bubbles.
Tonight, we end the drought
and begin the age of bubbles.
My love, get my
bubble cauldron.
I'll get it this time.
(LAUGHS)
The world without smiles
is not a world that
I want to live in.
(CROWD GASPING)
I always hold Vance's
bubbles at charity parties.
This was my moment,
how dare she?
Feel the bubbles.
(MOANS)
They're so sexy.
They're so sexy.
They're also so intriguing,
the way that
you do those bubbles.
(MOANING)
(MOANING)
So sexy, make your
big brother bubbles.
Feel the bubbles
coming inside of you.
Bubbles entering me from
the outside onto my inside.
Oh, I feel them.
Oh, yes, yes, Vance,
it's very sexy.
Oh, big bubbles.
Pop the bubble on my face, not
in my hair, just on my face.
You can put them
anywhere you want on me.
Anywhere you want.
I'm going to not be able
to stand it much longer.
(BOTH MOANING)
(MOANING AND SCREAMING)
(CLIMACTIC MOANING)
(GASPS)
But he's my husband,
only I should fake orgasm
over him in public. (SCOFFS)
Oh, I wasn't faking.
Can I blow some bubbles?
(GASPS) What? No, you
can't blow any bubbles.
There's a professional
bubble blower here.
No one wants to see
your amateur breath
inside an orb of soap.
Junior, you go inside.
Hey, hey, that's enough!
You can't tell my baby
to go inside.
My dream party was
turning into a nightmare.
IVANKA: There's going
to be no opinions at my
husband's bubble show!
Ah, hell no!
You did not just sit
in Phe Phe's chair.
That empty chair was
for me to not sit in.
Who does Denise think she was?
Me? I don't think so.
Burn the chair!
I deserve this chair!
Denise, this is
undignified behavior!
Ladies, please!
A drought charity, dinner
party, bubble show
is not the time
or place for this.
Enough, okay?
So you're kicking me out?
What? No, I never said that.
Hey, get your hands off of me!
There is no need
to push me out.
FIRST LADY: There's
no hands on you, Denise.
Oh, come on. So I'm just
doing this to myself?
Do not turn this around on me.
I am not crazy.
I am not crazy!
DENISE: Don't tell me to
watch out for the fire pit.
You watch out
for the fire pit!
No need to push me!
I'm getting gone.
I'm getting gone.
You don't...
Hey, hands off!
You don't think I
can see myself out?
I can see...
Hey, hey, hey.
I can see myself out.
Hey, don't push
me out of here.
(GATE CLANGING)
Between Callie
stealing my orgasm,
and Denise going
to crazy town,
I fear that my charity/
I'm-better-than-Callie party
has turned into an
I'm-equal-to-Callie party.
How can I be equal to anyone?
Shalom, y'all!
It's me, Maddy Green,
host of the Hotwives Cooldown.
Joining me is special guest,
Crystal Simmons from
The Hotwives of Orlando.
What do you think about
tonight's episode?
Oh my goodness,
it's such a good one,
but I'm sorry, the fact
that Jenfer is that big
and says she's only
newly pregnant, can
only mean one thing...
She's pregnant
with God's child!
'Cause only He can make a
miracle like that happen!
Go Jesus!
A new messiah, neat-o!
Stay tuned!