The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - What Happens in Vegas... Seriously, What Happens There? - full transcript
MATTY: Henry David
Thoreau once wrote,
"Walden Pond ain't got
(BLEEP) on Las Vegas."
And never was that more
true than last season on
Hotwives of Las Vegas...
To Vegas!
ALL: To Vegas!
Friendships were tested...
Oh, no, dear.
Wine is for winos.
Champagne is
the classier choice.
(GASPING)
I love Las Vegas!
I've never felt
so alive!
MATTY:
Hearts were broken...
Kendra is dead.
(SNIFFLING)
We should remember this moment
and really value each other.
MATTY: And faces got slapped.
The Hotwives of Las Vegas...
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
All the glitz,
all the glamour,
and all the Vegas.
(RETCHING)
Oh! Oh, my God!
JENFER: I wrote the
book on being awesome.
I just can't read it.
FIRST LADY: I run this town!
Along with actual, real,
elected officials.
IVANKA: It's hard
being perfect.
Just kidding.
It's easy for me.
PHE PHE: Las Vegas?
I think you mean
"Las Phe-Phe-gas."
LEONA: Menopause?
More like "meno-
start-your-engines"!
DENISE: Vegas is
a gambling town,
and I never bet on me.
CALLIE: You might
think you know me,
but you don't, because
I don't know me.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Get that contour.
They say Vegas is a town
where people get their dreams,
and also drug-resistant
strains of herpes.
And now, both
are true for me.
I'm so lucky!
Ooh, I'm gettin'
married, y'all!
Goddamn, I look good.
I look hot.
All except...
(VOICE TREMBLING)
One part of me.
(SNIFFLING)
Not today.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry today.
Being born without
the tippy top of
my pointer finger
and having to
wear a prosthesis
is a hardship I've
struggled with my whole life.
And even though
I've come so far,
I still feel like I struggled
to fit in with the other
girls last year.
Get your finger
out of my face.
Get your finger
out of my face!
(BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Ugh.
I can't put my finger in
any of y'all's faces!
Damn it!
But getting married
to the love of my life...
Now he can be
my finger.
To point in their faces.
ACE: Here we go.
Baby.
Hi, honey.
It's bad luck to see me
before the ceremony.
Well, I just did not
wanna be separated
from you
or any cameras that might
wanna capture me not being
separated from you.
(CHUCKLING)
(SMOOCHING NOISES)
Aw, nice kiss.
Yeah, that's
a good one.
Some people say Ace
is only a fame chaser.
That he doesn't love me, he's
just in it for the spotlight.
But that is some
bull (BLEEP).
Coming! What?
Hmm? Yeah.
Because...
Hey, I'm sorry. I could've
sworn you called me in
from the other room, there.
No.
You didn't?
Oh, but I can stay,
I can stay. Thanks for asking.
Yeah.
As I was saying,
Ace loves me for me.
And for my hot body,
which is a Disneyland
for dicks.
Yes, it is.
Oopsy daisy.
Oh, I didn't realize
you were pregnant.
Congrats!
What did you say?
Pregnant...
How could I be
eight months pregnant
with Ace's baby
when Ace and I didn't
even get together until
after he and First Lady
broke up, you dumbass?
I don't know
those people.
Ace!
Do it!
Get your finger
outta my face.
For the sake of me
and all I've been through,
I just hope we can all
get along this season.
Me too. (STAMMERING)
Same thing for me. Absolutely.
I guess you could say
I'm Vegas royalty.
Excuse me,
Miss Stephanie?
Never call me by my
first name!
Address me by my title.
The romaine is ready,
First Lady.
Oh! Okay. I love salad.
(SIGHS)
You're doing that wrong.
My dead husband was the
mayor of Las Vegas' Strip.
Some people say that
that's an honorary title
with no real power.
I don't subscribe to that.
So much has happened
since last season.
I developed a food line
called Anorexi-Yeah!
You know, I just wanted
to take that word back.
There was such this
negative stink on it.
You know how black people
have (BLEEP),
and, like, the gays
took back (BLEEP)?
I just wanted something
for us white women.
We need something, too.
Anorexi-Yeah! has
so many yummy products,
like our aspartame
sandwiches, our Water-itas
and our Popped Air.
Mmm. Yummy air!
I tend to emotional eat
when I'm nervous or upset.
I'm just a little nervous
about going to Jenfer's
wedding tonight.
Jenfer and I were
inseparable last year.
But we haven't seen much
of each other lately.
She's just been so busy
with her fiance, Ace.
Who used to be
my fiance, Ace.
(SIGHS) I just think
we need to break up.
But why? I love you.
I just feel like our storyline
has petered out, you know?
You mean "relationship,"
right?
Yeah! No, that's
what I said.
No, you said...
I gotta go.
All right.
Oh. Oh, okay.
That's it, though.
Oh.
FIRST LADY: Yes, I had
my suspicions that Ace
and Jenfer hooked up
while Ace and I
were still together.
But Jenfer insists that they
did not get together till
after we broke up.
And I choose to believe her,
because gouging out her eyes
in a fit of jealous rage
just wouldn't be a very
First Lady thing to do.
Except if you're Nancy
Reagan. I heard she was
a monster biznatch.
I just really want us all
to get along this year.
Ooh, oh, I like that one.
It's wonderful being
Ivanka, and I'm in a
great place this year.
My daughter, Lola's,
modeling career has gone
through the roof and,
as a former model myself,
it means everything
to make her live
my dreams.
Right... Ooh!
That one is sexy.
I like that one.
Ooh! It's all in the eyes.
Last year... (SIGHS)
It wasn't always easy
with me and my friends.
(GASPING)
It's hard for them
to see how, uh,
perfect and beautiful I am.
You know, I just exist
on a higher plane.
I'm European,
I'm beautiful,
my daughter's gorgeous,
my husband's perfect and...
I think it was just hard
for them to deal with
the jealousy that
that feeling brought up.
The only one who was really
there for me through the
highs and the...
...just slightly
lower highs,
was my husband, Vance.
Ah...
I see you.
Darling.
Shh!
Ivanka, please.
I am in the middle of one
of the most amazing blowholes
I've ever been a part of.
IVANKA: Vance's show,
Blow for Humanity,
has become one of the
biggest shows in Vegas.
Celine Dion herself
said she couldn't
believe it was a show.
Aw, I really don't want to go.
You're really deep
in that blow zone.
But (SIGHS) I told your
sister I'd come visit her.
Oh, my sister?
Yeah.
Give her my love.
Vance's sister, Callie,
has just moved to town,
and they're very close.
So, that is... Nice.
Um, I just hope that
Callie gets along with
the other girls,
and the other girls
get along with Callie,
and that everyone
just gets along this year.
CALLIE: Goddess above
and Hades below,
come forth and suckle
on my supple teat.
I'm Callie Silversan.
I'm home after my divorce.
My ex and I had
religious differences.
He's a Catholic,
and I'm a witch.
My husband, he just
didn't respect me.
Or my beliefs,
or my solstice orgies.
You know, I'm happy bonding
with my sister-in-law, Ivanka,
but she can be
a little judgmental.
Oh, you got a
new cat! So cute.
(MEOWING)
What's its name?
I didn't "get" a cat.
Diantha chose me.
Cats are goddesses
who embolden our power.
(EXHALES) It's my religion.
She's always taking
digs at me.
You know, I'm
a peaceful witch, but
there are some things
that you just don't
(BLEEP) with.
Like my cat's name.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to insult you.
(CHUCKLING) Maybe it's
because I'm European,
so everything I say sounds
like it's insulting.
No, no.
The important thing is
we both love my brother
more than anything
in the world.
You know, I think Ivanka is
a little bit jealous of my
relationship with Vance.
We're very close.
We were inseparable as kids.
We even used to
share the same bed.
I miss that.
DENISE: I'm a former showgirl.
I was known as the most
clothed showgirl in Vegas.
'Cause it's what's
left to the eye.
I mean, what's not
left to the eye.
I can't remember my slogan.
What, are you
cleaning glasses? This
is a waste of time.
You just... (SPITS)
And then like this.
That's all you need.
And then it's done.
It's done.
All right. You got it?
Yep. Yep.
All right, you're
doin' great.
LEONA: It is not easy
being the matriarch of
this group of ladies.
I'm happy to
see you guys.
Last year I felt like
it was always up to me
to stop the fighting,
to be the peacemaker.
Just shut your face!
'Cause your
face is ugly.
What?
Girls, stop this fighting.
I hate it, I hate to see this.
Ahhh!
No, you don't
walk away from me!
So this year, I'm just gonna
focus on my business.
It gives me...
So much pride and joy.
Oh, Angel. Mickey wants
a big ass in his face.
Why don't you put
yours there? All right?
LEONA: Venus' Mound has
really been growing.
Las Vegas Magazine voted it
"Best Strip Club
Breakfast Buffet."
So, I've been working
on a cookbook.
And I'm also working
on my friendships.
You know, which is why
I invited my neighbor
Denise into this group.
She really needs
some good friends.
I just hope that we can
all get along this year,
because, you know, we women,
we gotta support each other.
Grind up harder
on him, Angel!
I don't pay you
to just sit there!
No, look, look.
This guy wants the ass...
It's ass in crotch.
It's your ass in his crotch,
and a bouncin', a
bouncin', a bouncin'
and look, eye contact.
Eye contact.
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
(BLENDER WHIRRING)
DENISE: My name is Denise,
and I'm a lot of fun.
Whoo! Let's party!
Ma'am, you called 911.
You said someone was hurt?
I will be hurt, if you
don't stay for a drink.
(BLENDER WHIRRING)
Whoo!
I mean, I'm fun now, 'cause
I'm recently divorced.
(LAUGHING)
(BLENDER STOPS)
Did you want it
on the rocks?
I am starting over
and looking for love.
My ex, Carl, just wasn't
that affectionate.
And I was very
loving towards him.
I was always telling him
how much I loved him,
asking how much he loved me,
telling him it wasn't enough,
telling him how disappointing
his love was,
you know, all the
things guys like.
He just didn't fill
up my hug bucket.
That's what I call
my heart. (GIGGLES)
It's just so empty.
Oh, the mailman's
coming at 3:00.
That's why my therapist
got me a real hug bucket.
I just put a quarter in
anytime I get a hug,
and it gets all filled up.
It's almost like I'm happy!
Leona, hi!
Hey!
I am so happy
you're here.
Yes, of course.
Oh, I am so glad
you're here.
Yes! Oh, of course.
And that you're coming to
this wedding with me...
I just get really nervous
around these other girls.
I just really want
them to like me.
And I want you to like
me, do you like me?
Hey, babe, I love you. You've
got a vice grip on my wrist
and I've got weak wrists.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I love you like a daughter!
Which is how I feel
about all my girls,
and I will not talk badly
about my daughters.
Oh, I wouldn't want
you to, I'm so sorry.
Why do you have to make me
tell you that you can't
trust Jenfer?
I mean, you think I like
saying that Ivanka's a
conceited foreign (BLEEP)?
I didn't make you...
Why you gotta make me
say these things?
I didn't, I only...
That's enough.
I don't think I did.
Let's not do it anymore.
I won't, I promise...
Hold your tongue.
All right?
You ready to
have some fun?
Yeah.
Let's go have some
fun at this wedding!
I'm really afraid
to talk at this point.
FIRST LADY: I would like to
introduce you to my former
college roommate...
Prepare to be PhePhe'd.
You're a bitch,
you're a slut,
you're annoying,
you're stupid
and she is sleeping
with your man. Mmm.
PHE PHE: Vegas just got
a whole lot Phe Phe-er,
because I just moved to
Vegas, and I'm Phe Phe.
And I've got to be
Phe Phe. (LAUGHS)
Licensed and trademarked.
People may remember me
as living and loving
in the great city of Orlando.
But...
I had to leave all my
beloved friends behind
so that I could go where
the show ratings were higher.
I am still a
lawyer/taxidermist.
But since the legal
system basically does
not exist in Nevada,
I also made myself a judge.
I even have my own
courtroom show.
It's called
You're Guilty, Bitch.
You're guilty...
(COURTROOM GASPING)
Bitch!
(COURTROOM LAUGHING)
Now spin, and spin, and spin!
(CHEERING)
I met my new husband,
Adonis, on the show.
I just really wanted
to be with somebody
honest, you know?
After dealing with
my cheating ex, Rodney.
Yes, Adonis was arrested
for grand larceny,
but you know what?
I like everything
in my life to be grand.
Ha!
This is Phenomenon Reed, Esq.
How can I help you?
Besides, Adonis has
turned over a new leaf
and gotten a new job
as my producer.
You know, producing
things I do.
I need your checkbook.
What for?
I am producing a
Rolls-Royce for you, baby.
So I can drive it.
Surprise!
(GIGGLING)
But, I, um...
I don't really want
a Rolls-Royce.
Baby, that's what
producing is.
Knowing what my lady wants for
me, before she even knows it.
(GIGGLING)
Thank you.
That checkbook?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's here.
You know, looking back
on the Orlando Phe Phe,
I could sometimes say
things that weren't nice.
But the new Phe Phe
doesn't say things just
because they're on her mind.
It turns out, that
can hurt someone.
(CONNECTING TONE)
PHE PHE: Jenfer!
Oh, Phe Phe, thank
God you answered.
Yeah, no, girl, I'm in
the car right now. I'm
on my way to your wedding.
Girl, I'm gettin'
a little cold feet.
Look, the old Phe Phe
would have told you
to run, girl,
because Ace has been
in more girls than
a dildo in a whorehouse.
But the new
Phe Phe would say...
It's all gonna
be all right.
That's very hurtful,
but right.
Yeah, you'll be all right.
Damn! The new Phe Phe is
way better at being nice
than any of these
broken-ass bitches.
An idea for a new spinoff
show, Here Comes The Bro.
Like, what's this
knucklehead gonna do
when he becomes a groom?
I'm just spitballin' here.
(WAILING)
(BLUBBERING)
Oh, my God!
(SOBBING)
It was an
elegant ceremony.
I got this famous Vegas act,
Bill and Shasta, to officiate,
and there was wonderful music,
fancy flowers, and I got
these two little girls
to walk down the aisle
as my flower girls.
I mean, I would've just
asked my daughters,
but I'm not allowed
to see them again.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
As I walked down the aisle,
it was awesome seeing
all my best friends,
as well as some of
the other people
the producers of the show have
deemed are my friends, now.
FIRST LADY: I hadn't seen
Jenfer since Ace and I
broke up a few months ago.
And I felt so...
(SIGHS)
Betrayed by my friends
that they didn't tell me
how fat she'd gotten!
Seeing that made me
feel really good.
Ace?
ACE: Let's do this!
(ELECTRO WEDDING
MARCH PLAYING)
(JENFER SIGHING)
JENFER: I was totally fine
with Ace wanting to walk
down the aisle last.
Stand up, please.
Stand up.
You did it for her.
You know, come on.
I mean, why should I be the
only one in the spotlight?
Is a point he made
several times.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
You look breathtaking.
So do you.
BILL: Dearly beloved.
Marriage is a sacred bond
that two people enter into.
Yeah, I've been bonded to
this jackhole for 20 years.
His hand is so far
up my butt, I've got
hemorrhoids in my mouth!
(LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
BILL: Shasta!
Do you,
Jenfer, take Ace,
to have and to hold,
for better or for worse...
Here come the waterworks.
For richer, for poorer.
Emphasis on the
"poorer"!
For us, the "richer" got
gambled and drank away!
Shasta!
(ALL LAUGHING)
All joking aside, his
alcoholism is crippling.
I don't know how much longer
I can stay with him!
Aw, Vance, so romantic.
My hands were cold.
He's warming them up for me.
Of course I hold
my sister's hand.
She has poor circulation.
What's next? You're gonna
tell me it's weird when she
puts it in my pocket?
This is so classy, right?
And everybody's really
getting along, so, you
know, there's that.
(SIGHING)
They're so in love.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll never have this.
No, I can't see
that you will.
I'm gonna take a picture
to remind myself of that.
Save my chair.
Okay.
DENISE: Hi!
Too close.
Don't let me bother you.
Just gonna...
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Get your ass
back to your seat.
Okay, I'm just gonna
go back to my seat.
(GASPS)
DENISE: That was my chair.
Why was Phe Phe sitting in it?
(STAMMERING) It just didn't
make any sense to me.
I mean, who, who takes
someone else's chair?
That's my chair.
I don't see your
name on it, so...
I know, I'm the
new, nice Phe Phe,
but I can only
be pushed so far,
and a chair is where
I draw the line.
But...
But where am I supposed to
sit? There's nowhere to sit...
Denise, Phe Phe,
stop fighting!
On your faces,
emotions look so ugly.
Neither of you should
have the chair.
You should burn it,
and make love to the ashes.
I... I can't...
IVANKA: Burn the chair.
CALLIE: Burn the chair.
Yeah, burn the chair.
Burn the witch!
I am not burning the
chair. That's crazy.
I am not crazy.
Nobody called
you crazy.
What is going on, y'all?
I can't believe this.
(TOGETHER) It's my day!
(EXHALES) Can't you just let
me have this one normal thing?
JENFER: Ugh!
(SOBBING) One thing.
I just asked for one thing!
(BLUBBERING)
One thing! One!
I wanted to run
after my friend.
But there was no way
I was leaving that
chair behind.
(SCOFFING)
(WAILING)
(ALL ARGUING)
IVANKA: Phe Phe, you
cannot just walk...
...into Las Vegas and start
taking people's chairs.
I heard you all.
LEONA: Girls...
This is not the time
or the place!
ALL: (CHANTING)
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
(SCREAMING)
You know, despite
everything that happened
and the fact that none
of us are getting along,
I really think we're all
gonna get along this year.
MATTY: This season on
Hotwives of Las Vegas...
There are two kinds of
people in this world.
Those who can throw
a good party,
and those who will
probably die alone.
Oh!
Oh!
I hear you.
I know you
hear me...
Mmm-hmm.
But are you
listening?
Oh, yeah.
(MIMICKING RINGING
SLOT MACHINE)
Jackpot!
(KISSING)
Is anyone even looking
at me anymore?
You've gotta do
what makes you happy.
(RIPPING)
(YELLING IN PAIN)
(GASPING) (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
Wow!
Amanda?
(CHUCKLING)
Phe Phe!
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING) Oh!
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Did I do that?
I don't need my bipolar
meds anymore. Nope.
(SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION)
I've asked you
not to do that.
There's a rumor going around
that Jenfer and Ace cheated
on you.
You piece of trash!
No guy can resist
this piece of ass.
I just wanna see
ladies hit each other.
That's enough!
(GASPING)
Stop trying to take
my baby!
Quick right!
I don't think this
is a good...
Oh!
I know that bitch did not
throw a tree at me!
(SCREAMING)
This is not about you!
(LAUGHING) Yeah. That is very
funny.
And I don't usually
love comedy.
Thoreau once wrote,
"Walden Pond ain't got
(BLEEP) on Las Vegas."
And never was that more
true than last season on
Hotwives of Las Vegas...
To Vegas!
ALL: To Vegas!
Friendships were tested...
Oh, no, dear.
Wine is for winos.
Champagne is
the classier choice.
(GASPING)
I love Las Vegas!
I've never felt
so alive!
MATTY:
Hearts were broken...
Kendra is dead.
(SNIFFLING)
We should remember this moment
and really value each other.
MATTY: And faces got slapped.
The Hotwives of Las Vegas...
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
All the glitz,
all the glamour,
and all the Vegas.
(RETCHING)
Oh! Oh, my God!
JENFER: I wrote the
book on being awesome.
I just can't read it.
FIRST LADY: I run this town!
Along with actual, real,
elected officials.
IVANKA: It's hard
being perfect.
Just kidding.
It's easy for me.
PHE PHE: Las Vegas?
I think you mean
"Las Phe-Phe-gas."
LEONA: Menopause?
More like "meno-
start-your-engines"!
DENISE: Vegas is
a gambling town,
and I never bet on me.
CALLIE: You might
think you know me,
but you don't, because
I don't know me.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Get that contour.
They say Vegas is a town
where people get their dreams,
and also drug-resistant
strains of herpes.
And now, both
are true for me.
I'm so lucky!
Ooh, I'm gettin'
married, y'all!
Goddamn, I look good.
I look hot.
All except...
(VOICE TREMBLING)
One part of me.
(SNIFFLING)
Not today.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry today.
Being born without
the tippy top of
my pointer finger
and having to
wear a prosthesis
is a hardship I've
struggled with my whole life.
And even though
I've come so far,
I still feel like I struggled
to fit in with the other
girls last year.
Get your finger
out of my face.
Get your finger
out of my face!
(BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Ugh.
I can't put my finger in
any of y'all's faces!
Damn it!
But getting married
to the love of my life...
Now he can be
my finger.
To point in their faces.
ACE: Here we go.
Baby.
Hi, honey.
It's bad luck to see me
before the ceremony.
Well, I just did not
wanna be separated
from you
or any cameras that might
wanna capture me not being
separated from you.
(CHUCKLING)
(SMOOCHING NOISES)
Aw, nice kiss.
Yeah, that's
a good one.
Some people say Ace
is only a fame chaser.
That he doesn't love me, he's
just in it for the spotlight.
But that is some
bull (BLEEP).
Coming! What?
Hmm? Yeah.
Because...
Hey, I'm sorry. I could've
sworn you called me in
from the other room, there.
No.
You didn't?
Oh, but I can stay,
I can stay. Thanks for asking.
Yeah.
As I was saying,
Ace loves me for me.
And for my hot body,
which is a Disneyland
for dicks.
Yes, it is.
Oopsy daisy.
Oh, I didn't realize
you were pregnant.
Congrats!
What did you say?
Pregnant...
How could I be
eight months pregnant
with Ace's baby
when Ace and I didn't
even get together until
after he and First Lady
broke up, you dumbass?
I don't know
those people.
Ace!
Do it!
Get your finger
outta my face.
For the sake of me
and all I've been through,
I just hope we can all
get along this season.
Me too. (STAMMERING)
Same thing for me. Absolutely.
I guess you could say
I'm Vegas royalty.
Excuse me,
Miss Stephanie?
Never call me by my
first name!
Address me by my title.
The romaine is ready,
First Lady.
Oh! Okay. I love salad.
(SIGHS)
You're doing that wrong.
My dead husband was the
mayor of Las Vegas' Strip.
Some people say that
that's an honorary title
with no real power.
I don't subscribe to that.
So much has happened
since last season.
I developed a food line
called Anorexi-Yeah!
You know, I just wanted
to take that word back.
There was such this
negative stink on it.
You know how black people
have (BLEEP),
and, like, the gays
took back (BLEEP)?
I just wanted something
for us white women.
We need something, too.
Anorexi-Yeah! has
so many yummy products,
like our aspartame
sandwiches, our Water-itas
and our Popped Air.
Mmm. Yummy air!
I tend to emotional eat
when I'm nervous or upset.
I'm just a little nervous
about going to Jenfer's
wedding tonight.
Jenfer and I were
inseparable last year.
But we haven't seen much
of each other lately.
She's just been so busy
with her fiance, Ace.
Who used to be
my fiance, Ace.
(SIGHS) I just think
we need to break up.
But why? I love you.
I just feel like our storyline
has petered out, you know?
You mean "relationship,"
right?
Yeah! No, that's
what I said.
No, you said...
I gotta go.
All right.
Oh. Oh, okay.
That's it, though.
Oh.
FIRST LADY: Yes, I had
my suspicions that Ace
and Jenfer hooked up
while Ace and I
were still together.
But Jenfer insists that they
did not get together till
after we broke up.
And I choose to believe her,
because gouging out her eyes
in a fit of jealous rage
just wouldn't be a very
First Lady thing to do.
Except if you're Nancy
Reagan. I heard she was
a monster biznatch.
I just really want us all
to get along this year.
Ooh, oh, I like that one.
It's wonderful being
Ivanka, and I'm in a
great place this year.
My daughter, Lola's,
modeling career has gone
through the roof and,
as a former model myself,
it means everything
to make her live
my dreams.
Right... Ooh!
That one is sexy.
I like that one.
Ooh! It's all in the eyes.
Last year... (SIGHS)
It wasn't always easy
with me and my friends.
(GASPING)
It's hard for them
to see how, uh,
perfect and beautiful I am.
You know, I just exist
on a higher plane.
I'm European,
I'm beautiful,
my daughter's gorgeous,
my husband's perfect and...
I think it was just hard
for them to deal with
the jealousy that
that feeling brought up.
The only one who was really
there for me through the
highs and the...
...just slightly
lower highs,
was my husband, Vance.
Ah...
I see you.
Darling.
Shh!
Ivanka, please.
I am in the middle of one
of the most amazing blowholes
I've ever been a part of.
IVANKA: Vance's show,
Blow for Humanity,
has become one of the
biggest shows in Vegas.
Celine Dion herself
said she couldn't
believe it was a show.
Aw, I really don't want to go.
You're really deep
in that blow zone.
But (SIGHS) I told your
sister I'd come visit her.
Oh, my sister?
Yeah.
Give her my love.
Vance's sister, Callie,
has just moved to town,
and they're very close.
So, that is... Nice.
Um, I just hope that
Callie gets along with
the other girls,
and the other girls
get along with Callie,
and that everyone
just gets along this year.
CALLIE: Goddess above
and Hades below,
come forth and suckle
on my supple teat.
I'm Callie Silversan.
I'm home after my divorce.
My ex and I had
religious differences.
He's a Catholic,
and I'm a witch.
My husband, he just
didn't respect me.
Or my beliefs,
or my solstice orgies.
You know, I'm happy bonding
with my sister-in-law, Ivanka,
but she can be
a little judgmental.
Oh, you got a
new cat! So cute.
(MEOWING)
What's its name?
I didn't "get" a cat.
Diantha chose me.
Cats are goddesses
who embolden our power.
(EXHALES) It's my religion.
She's always taking
digs at me.
You know, I'm
a peaceful witch, but
there are some things
that you just don't
(BLEEP) with.
Like my cat's name.
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to insult you.
(CHUCKLING) Maybe it's
because I'm European,
so everything I say sounds
like it's insulting.
No, no.
The important thing is
we both love my brother
more than anything
in the world.
You know, I think Ivanka is
a little bit jealous of my
relationship with Vance.
We're very close.
We were inseparable as kids.
We even used to
share the same bed.
I miss that.
DENISE: I'm a former showgirl.
I was known as the most
clothed showgirl in Vegas.
'Cause it's what's
left to the eye.
I mean, what's not
left to the eye.
I can't remember my slogan.
What, are you
cleaning glasses? This
is a waste of time.
You just... (SPITS)
And then like this.
That's all you need.
And then it's done.
It's done.
All right. You got it?
Yep. Yep.
All right, you're
doin' great.
LEONA: It is not easy
being the matriarch of
this group of ladies.
I'm happy to
see you guys.
Last year I felt like
it was always up to me
to stop the fighting,
to be the peacemaker.
Just shut your face!
'Cause your
face is ugly.
What?
Girls, stop this fighting.
I hate it, I hate to see this.
Ahhh!
No, you don't
walk away from me!
So this year, I'm just gonna
focus on my business.
It gives me...
So much pride and joy.
Oh, Angel. Mickey wants
a big ass in his face.
Why don't you put
yours there? All right?
LEONA: Venus' Mound has
really been growing.
Las Vegas Magazine voted it
"Best Strip Club
Breakfast Buffet."
So, I've been working
on a cookbook.
And I'm also working
on my friendships.
You know, which is why
I invited my neighbor
Denise into this group.
She really needs
some good friends.
I just hope that we can
all get along this year,
because, you know, we women,
we gotta support each other.
Grind up harder
on him, Angel!
I don't pay you
to just sit there!
No, look, look.
This guy wants the ass...
It's ass in crotch.
It's your ass in his crotch,
and a bouncin', a
bouncin', a bouncin'
and look, eye contact.
Eye contact.
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
(BLENDER WHIRRING)
DENISE: My name is Denise,
and I'm a lot of fun.
Whoo! Let's party!
Ma'am, you called 911.
You said someone was hurt?
I will be hurt, if you
don't stay for a drink.
(BLENDER WHIRRING)
Whoo!
I mean, I'm fun now, 'cause
I'm recently divorced.
(LAUGHING)
(BLENDER STOPS)
Did you want it
on the rocks?
I am starting over
and looking for love.
My ex, Carl, just wasn't
that affectionate.
And I was very
loving towards him.
I was always telling him
how much I loved him,
asking how much he loved me,
telling him it wasn't enough,
telling him how disappointing
his love was,
you know, all the
things guys like.
He just didn't fill
up my hug bucket.
That's what I call
my heart. (GIGGLES)
It's just so empty.
Oh, the mailman's
coming at 3:00.
That's why my therapist
got me a real hug bucket.
I just put a quarter in
anytime I get a hug,
and it gets all filled up.
It's almost like I'm happy!
Leona, hi!
Hey!
I am so happy
you're here.
Yes, of course.
Oh, I am so glad
you're here.
Yes! Oh, of course.
And that you're coming to
this wedding with me...
I just get really nervous
around these other girls.
I just really want
them to like me.
And I want you to like
me, do you like me?
Hey, babe, I love you. You've
got a vice grip on my wrist
and I've got weak wrists.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I love you like a daughter!
Which is how I feel
about all my girls,
and I will not talk badly
about my daughters.
Oh, I wouldn't want
you to, I'm so sorry.
Why do you have to make me
tell you that you can't
trust Jenfer?
I mean, you think I like
saying that Ivanka's a
conceited foreign (BLEEP)?
I didn't make you...
Why you gotta make me
say these things?
I didn't, I only...
That's enough.
I don't think I did.
Let's not do it anymore.
I won't, I promise...
Hold your tongue.
All right?
You ready to
have some fun?
Yeah.
Let's go have some
fun at this wedding!
I'm really afraid
to talk at this point.
FIRST LADY: I would like to
introduce you to my former
college roommate...
Prepare to be PhePhe'd.
You're a bitch,
you're a slut,
you're annoying,
you're stupid
and she is sleeping
with your man. Mmm.
PHE PHE: Vegas just got
a whole lot Phe Phe-er,
because I just moved to
Vegas, and I'm Phe Phe.
And I've got to be
Phe Phe. (LAUGHS)
Licensed and trademarked.
People may remember me
as living and loving
in the great city of Orlando.
But...
I had to leave all my
beloved friends behind
so that I could go where
the show ratings were higher.
I am still a
lawyer/taxidermist.
But since the legal
system basically does
not exist in Nevada,
I also made myself a judge.
I even have my own
courtroom show.
It's called
You're Guilty, Bitch.
You're guilty...
(COURTROOM GASPING)
Bitch!
(COURTROOM LAUGHING)
Now spin, and spin, and spin!
(CHEERING)
I met my new husband,
Adonis, on the show.
I just really wanted
to be with somebody
honest, you know?
After dealing with
my cheating ex, Rodney.
Yes, Adonis was arrested
for grand larceny,
but you know what?
I like everything
in my life to be grand.
Ha!
This is Phenomenon Reed, Esq.
How can I help you?
Besides, Adonis has
turned over a new leaf
and gotten a new job
as my producer.
You know, producing
things I do.
I need your checkbook.
What for?
I am producing a
Rolls-Royce for you, baby.
So I can drive it.
Surprise!
(GIGGLING)
But, I, um...
I don't really want
a Rolls-Royce.
Baby, that's what
producing is.
Knowing what my lady wants for
me, before she even knows it.
(GIGGLING)
Thank you.
That checkbook?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's here.
You know, looking back
on the Orlando Phe Phe,
I could sometimes say
things that weren't nice.
But the new Phe Phe
doesn't say things just
because they're on her mind.
It turns out, that
can hurt someone.
(CONNECTING TONE)
PHE PHE: Jenfer!
Oh, Phe Phe, thank
God you answered.
Yeah, no, girl, I'm in
the car right now. I'm
on my way to your wedding.
Girl, I'm gettin'
a little cold feet.
Look, the old Phe Phe
would have told you
to run, girl,
because Ace has been
in more girls than
a dildo in a whorehouse.
But the new
Phe Phe would say...
It's all gonna
be all right.
That's very hurtful,
but right.
Yeah, you'll be all right.
Damn! The new Phe Phe is
way better at being nice
than any of these
broken-ass bitches.
An idea for a new spinoff
show, Here Comes The Bro.
Like, what's this
knucklehead gonna do
when he becomes a groom?
I'm just spitballin' here.
(WAILING)
(BLUBBERING)
Oh, my God!
(SOBBING)
It was an
elegant ceremony.
I got this famous Vegas act,
Bill and Shasta, to officiate,
and there was wonderful music,
fancy flowers, and I got
these two little girls
to walk down the aisle
as my flower girls.
I mean, I would've just
asked my daughters,
but I'm not allowed
to see them again.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
As I walked down the aisle,
it was awesome seeing
all my best friends,
as well as some of
the other people
the producers of the show have
deemed are my friends, now.
FIRST LADY: I hadn't seen
Jenfer since Ace and I
broke up a few months ago.
And I felt so...
(SIGHS)
Betrayed by my friends
that they didn't tell me
how fat she'd gotten!
Seeing that made me
feel really good.
Ace?
ACE: Let's do this!
(ELECTRO WEDDING
MARCH PLAYING)
(JENFER SIGHING)
JENFER: I was totally fine
with Ace wanting to walk
down the aisle last.
Stand up, please.
Stand up.
You did it for her.
You know, come on.
I mean, why should I be the
only one in the spotlight?
Is a point he made
several times.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
You look breathtaking.
So do you.
BILL: Dearly beloved.
Marriage is a sacred bond
that two people enter into.
Yeah, I've been bonded to
this jackhole for 20 years.
His hand is so far
up my butt, I've got
hemorrhoids in my mouth!
(LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
BILL: Shasta!
Do you,
Jenfer, take Ace,
to have and to hold,
for better or for worse...
Here come the waterworks.
For richer, for poorer.
Emphasis on the
"poorer"!
For us, the "richer" got
gambled and drank away!
Shasta!
(ALL LAUGHING)
All joking aside, his
alcoholism is crippling.
I don't know how much longer
I can stay with him!
Aw, Vance, so romantic.
My hands were cold.
He's warming them up for me.
Of course I hold
my sister's hand.
She has poor circulation.
What's next? You're gonna
tell me it's weird when she
puts it in my pocket?
This is so classy, right?
And everybody's really
getting along, so, you
know, there's that.
(SIGHING)
They're so in love.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll never have this.
No, I can't see
that you will.
I'm gonna take a picture
to remind myself of that.
Save my chair.
Okay.
DENISE: Hi!
Too close.
Don't let me bother you.
Just gonna...
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Get your ass
back to your seat.
Okay, I'm just gonna
go back to my seat.
(GASPS)
DENISE: That was my chair.
Why was Phe Phe sitting in it?
(STAMMERING) It just didn't
make any sense to me.
I mean, who, who takes
someone else's chair?
That's my chair.
I don't see your
name on it, so...
I know, I'm the
new, nice Phe Phe,
but I can only
be pushed so far,
and a chair is where
I draw the line.
But...
But where am I supposed to
sit? There's nowhere to sit...
Denise, Phe Phe,
stop fighting!
On your faces,
emotions look so ugly.
Neither of you should
have the chair.
You should burn it,
and make love to the ashes.
I... I can't...
IVANKA: Burn the chair.
CALLIE: Burn the chair.
Yeah, burn the chair.
Burn the witch!
I am not burning the
chair. That's crazy.
I am not crazy.
Nobody called
you crazy.
What is going on, y'all?
I can't believe this.
(TOGETHER) It's my day!
(EXHALES) Can't you just let
me have this one normal thing?
JENFER: Ugh!
(SOBBING) One thing.
I just asked for one thing!
(BLUBBERING)
One thing! One!
I wanted to run
after my friend.
But there was no way
I was leaving that
chair behind.
(SCOFFING)
(WAILING)
(ALL ARGUING)
IVANKA: Phe Phe, you
cannot just walk...
...into Las Vegas and start
taking people's chairs.
I heard you all.
LEONA: Girls...
This is not the time
or the place!
ALL: (CHANTING)
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
Burn the chair!
(SCREAMING)
You know, despite
everything that happened
and the fact that none
of us are getting along,
I really think we're all
gonna get along this year.
MATTY: This season on
Hotwives of Las Vegas...
There are two kinds of
people in this world.
Those who can throw
a good party,
and those who will
probably die alone.
Oh!
Oh!
I hear you.
I know you
hear me...
Mmm-hmm.
But are you
listening?
Oh, yeah.
(MIMICKING RINGING
SLOT MACHINE)
Jackpot!
(KISSING)
Is anyone even looking
at me anymore?
You've gotta do
what makes you happy.
(RIPPING)
(YELLING IN PAIN)
(GASPING) (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
Wow!
Amanda?
(CHUCKLING)
Phe Phe!
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING) Oh!
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Did I do that?
I don't need my bipolar
meds anymore. Nope.
(SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION)
I've asked you
not to do that.
There's a rumor going around
that Jenfer and Ace cheated
on you.
You piece of trash!
No guy can resist
this piece of ass.
I just wanna see
ladies hit each other.
That's enough!
(GASPING)
Stop trying to take
my baby!
Quick right!
I don't think this
is a good...
Oh!
I know that bitch did not
throw a tree at me!
(SCREAMING)
This is not about you!
(LAUGHING) Yeah. That is very
funny.
And I don't usually
love comedy.