The Great North (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Cillian Me Softly Adventure - full transcript

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you
can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪



♪ From longest
night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

DIONDRA: Lone Moose.

It was the site of The
Great Avalanche of 1893,

the flammable top
hat crisis of 1901,

the deadly ice storm of 1947,

and of course, the catastrophic

Bolognese factory
explosion of 1978.

This history of disasters
is why, every two years,

Lone Moose citizens
hold a city-wide

Disaster Day
training simulation.

What will this
year's disaster hold?

We'll find out when
the Disaster Day siren



goes off sometime this week.

(alert beeping)

And now, a different story.

A hundred-year-old man

who found a $20 bill.

I can't believe it.

I'm so excited for Disaster Day.

I pregamed by watching two hours

of volcano explosions
on YouTube.

And I even took a nervous
"disast-turd" this morning.

I love that anyone in town

can submit an
idea for the disaster.

In Fresno, we just got to
submit almond flavor ideas.

No one ever wanted
jalapeño cotton candy.

They were fools, my
Flavoring Francesca.

So, now, we just have
to wait for the signal

that the disaster's starting?

Yup. We all got our letters
this week letting us know

what parts we've been assigned
in the Disaster Day role-play.

Not to play the
victim, but this year,

I will be playing a victim.

Ham and I are victims
pretty much every year,

and somehow we always survive.

Well, for the first time,
I'm on team disaster,

causing chaos all over town,

like Phoebe on Friends.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

I was a beaver during
the beaver invasion.

Not to brag, but I
gave Londra rabies.

I got hospital volunteer. I
get to work with real doctors

and live out my TV
medical drama fantasy.

I'm on a... Dr. Callahan's team.

I know him. He's from Ireland,

so whenever he checks
my reflexes, he says,

"Kick me, I'm Irish."

And then I do. I
kick him really hard.

He sounds like dreamy
Dr. O'Shaughnessy

on Break a Leg.
You know that show

about the doctor
who's also an actor?

Getting new headshots
and helping people

who got shot in the head.

Well, I'm pretty jimmy-jazzed
to be a first responder this time.

Scooping up
victims all over town,

like The Rock in that
movie San Andreas.

Oh, he humiliated that
dumbass earthquake.

Speaking of movies, I
submitted my idea for the disaster,

Jurassic Park
dinosaur attack, again.

Well, I think it's a
wonderful idea, Moon.

It's a little unlikely
for a disaster,

but the more
unexpected, the better.

I mean, that's the whole
point of Disaster Day.

It's to teach us how to
get through something

we never saw coming.

Which is why they
should consider my idea

where everyone's
hands turn to chips,

and then everyone
eats their hands,

and then everyone's like, "Oh,
no, I don't have hands anymore!"

Wolf, babe, pacing and
staring out the window

isn't gonna make Disaster
Day happen any sooner.

- Even if I have the vest on?
- Even if you have the vest on.

- Help me with my crossword?
- Sure.

"Trades on the New
York Stock Exchange

under T-P-N-P-L. 26 letters."

Twizzlers Pull
'n' Peel Licorice.

Of course. Look, babe, I get it.

I can't wait to get
to that hospital

and start yelling
things like, "Stat," and,

"Don't you die on me,"
while running around

with that Irish doctor.
Hmm. Oh, man.

I'm blanking on this
one. Seven letters across.

"Batman Begins villain,
actor 'blank' Murphy."

Oh, that would be one of
my favorite actors of all time,

- "Sillian" Murphy.
- Right. Wait, what'd you say?

"Sillian" Murphy. The Scarecrow.

Honey. (laughs) It's
"Killian." Cillian Murphy.

No, it's definitely
"Sillian" Murphy.

Wolf, my love, tell me you
haven't been pronouncing

this name "Sillian" all this
time, and in open company.

Love Peaky Blinders
with "Sillian" Murphy.

Hey, whoa, your eyes look
just like "Sillian" Murphy's.

Wow, another project this year?

Oh, that "Sillian"
Murphy stays working.

"Sillian" Murphy.
"Sillian" Murphy.

♪ "Sillian" Murphy. ♪

(echoing): "Sillian" Murphy.

I have been saying
that in open company

because that's how you say it!

No, that's how you
say it. It's "Killian."

Hon, you have a history of not
knowing how to pronounce names.

You thought the guy who
wrote Game of Thrones

was George "Arrgh" Martin.

There are two Rs there.

How else would you
possibly say that?

You thought Hugh
Grant was "Hug" Grant.

Honeybee, you know I
know how to say Hugh Grant.

I was just drunk
and thinking about

hugging him when I said that.

Okay, Wolf, now you're
just being stubborn.

I am not being "stub-born."

You know what?
I'm trying to help you,

but you refuse to listen,

so I'm gonna go
to the main house

and finish this crossword
in a bubble bath.

Wait, a-are we
having our first fight?

I guess we are.

Well, y-y-you can't leave then.

I mean, aren't we supposed
to do the "I'm sorry" snuggles

and the makeup make-out?

The only thing I want to
make out with right now

is the tub in the main house.

Got myself some leftover chowder

I'm gonna heat up, too.
Do a soup and a soak.

Maybe I'll pretend
I'm one of the clams.

Okay, fine! I'm also
gonna go do... (stammers)

something alone.

Go take a-a snow
machine ride and listen

to some Santana featuring
Rob Thomas in my headphones.

Well, a whole fun
Saturday ahead of us.

Limitless possibilities.

Who's up for cleaning the
leaves out of the gutters?

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- (alert beeping)
- (all gasp)

Yes. That's the
Disaster Day alarm.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- This is it.

MAYOR PEPPERS (over TV):
Attention all residents of Lone Moose.

This is an emergency
message from Mayor Peppers.

Lone Moose is now under

a Jurassic Park
-Style dinosaur attack.

(chuckles) Dinosaurs.
Clever mayor.

Oh, my God, they picked
mine. They picked mine.

I get to go spend the
whole day with the mayor.

I'm the king. I am the king!

MAYOR PEPPERS: Pterodactyls have
attacked the Lone Moose cell phone towers,

and communications between
citizens have been disabled.

Yes. No cell phones today.

There's nothing you can't
say with flares or shouting.

All right.

Let's make some dinos sore.

(alert beeping)

Is that the Disaster Day
alarm? It's happening!

Oh, no. This is the
worst time for this to start.

Me and Honeybee
are still in a fight.

All right, relax, Wolf.
I'll just go home,

apologize to Honeybee for being

a ding-dang weirdo
about "Sillian" Murphy,

and then it's off
to saving lives.

Honeybee, I'm really
sorry. I... Honeybee?

Babe? You still in the tub?

Honeybee? Anyone?

Oh, no, I'm too
late. Laura Dern-it.

CHEESECAKE: Hey, pal.

Check out this sweet
van they gave us

to go fake save people.

(sighs) Honeybee...

You trying to speak to
Honeybee telepathically again?

No. The last time I tried

telepathy, the dishwasher
turned on somehow,

and I realized my power was
not something to be toyed with.

MAYOR PEPPERS:
We're very excited

to have you here today,
Moon. Such a fun disaster idea.

Thank you. Should we
do a weapons check first,

or set up electrified
perimeter fences...

- Actually...
- War Room? Hell yeah.

Here we go. Are there
grenades in here or...

-Oh. -Moon, the most important

defense against a
disaster is information.

Answering the phones,
filling out paperwork,

stapling that paperwork.

So... we're just
gonna do office stuff?

You bet we are. During
the huge earthquake of '64,

it was the people manning
the phones and radios

who coordinated
all of the rescues.

We'll be getting updates
on this cool fax machine

as our rescue workers
bring in victims.

Your job is to take each
report and staple the pages,

then stamp them with this,

your very own dino-stamp.

It just says "reviewed."

- Damn right it does.
- (sighs)

Where's the stamp
that says "This sucks"?

ADMIN: Here's your
assignment. Welcome back

- to Earth, dinosaur.
- Oh, no.

Beef, hey.

Looks like we're gonna be DFFs,

Dilophosaurus friends for today.

And we are on bikes.

We get to squirt folks
with our deadly venom

and send them to the morgue tent

to play board games
and eat cheese,

- just like in Heaven.
- And we have bikes.

Yeah. You can
ride a bike, right?

(laughs) What? Of course
I know how to ride a bike.

It's just that I'm so good at it

that everyone here would
probably stop and applaud,

and I don't want
to distract them.

- They have jobs to do.
- (chuckles) Okay, Beef.

We'll just ease into this
dinosaur-bike lifestyle.

CHEESECAKE: All right,
you go find the victims, and

I'll grab six or seven
bottles of wine.

Cheesecake, no, you're driving.

Two or three bottles
of wine. (screams)

Oh, sorry. I know it's fake,
but in the back of my mind,

I'm thinking, what if during
the fake dinosaur attack,

we were really
attacked by dinosaurs?

That would be amazing
planning on the dinosaurs' part.

Just a heads-up that both
of my legs have been eaten,

so you guys will
have to carry me.

Uh, okay, well, everybody,
Cheesecake and I are here

to get you safely to
Hospital Tent One,

but, reminder, dinosaurs
could be anywhere.

We'll need to stick together
at all costs to avoid them,

so we don't lose
anyone on the way.

That means, even if one
of you has an argument

with someone in the
group, we stick together,

and we work it out because
there's nothing worse

than losing someone you
love just because the two of you

couldn't resolve a stupid fight.

Hey, uh, Wolf, are
you oka... (gasps)

- What was that?
- Shh.

There might be a
dinosaur in here.

Everyone, let's move
quietly toward the door.

It's nice to be all
together like this.

Should we take a
quick group picture?

Run!

- Run, run, run, run, run.
- (panting)

Hey, cuties. Coming to eat you.

-(screaming) -Put
me in, put me in.

- (roaring) -(screams)
- HAM: Not now, Londra.

- JUDY: Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive.
- Aw, you got away.

Okay, bye. See you later.
Love you. Have a great day.

(Wolf sighs)

Hey, Wolf, something
going on with you, bud?

You've just been staring out
the window and sighing longingly.

And you sang "Everybody
Hurts" all the way through twice.

It was beautiful, but...
feels like something's up.

You guys, I know
it's Disaster Day,

but the real disaster
is my marriage.

Honeybee and I got in our
first fight, and I'm freaking out.

Couples fight
all the time, Wolf.

But not us, not before today.

So, I have no idea
if we will make up.

All I want to do is go
to Hospital Tent Three

as soon as possible
and find Honeybee,

so I can apologize
before she leaves me.

Wolf, she's not
going to leave you.

Okay, but if she does, I can
set you up with my friend Janine.

She's awful, but she'll
definitely go out with you.

Oh, man, right now, Honeybee
is at Hospital Tent Three

with some hot, Irish
doctor who reminds her

of another hot, Irish
doctor from a TV show.

(Irish accent): I'm
o'finished, laddies.

Wolf, you just had one
fight. Honeybee loves you.

Oh, yeah, you're a catch.

You're smart, you're
nice, and you once farted

what sounded clearly
like the word "luxury."

Plus, you have a sandwich at
The Hoagie Pony named after you.

(normal voice):
Yup, the Wet Wolf,

mayonnaise, ketchup,
mustard, Swiss and bread.

There's nothing like it.

But I don't think a wet sanny
is gonna win me my baby back.

- (tire pops)
- (all scream)

Sweet Sue and
Cindy! We blew a tire.

Here's how today will work.

When someone with a dino
bite comes in, we triage them.

Should we charge up
the paddles, Doctor?

-No. -Stat.

Why did you just say "stat"?

For fun. Trying to
lighten my own mood.

Had a little fight with
my husband this morning.

It was our first one.

I should've stayed
and worked it out,

but I left in a huff,
and I regret it.

You know how it is, Doc.

You always have a
storyline at the hospital

and a storyline at home.

No, I don't know what
you're talking about,

- but here come our victims.
- (siren wails)

Wow, they really went all out

this year. I can
see Debra's brains.

Oh, wait, that's
just her haircut.

Nice haircut, Debra.

(sighs)

Welp, here we go.

Huh. Not bad.

This stapler's got
a little kick to it,

and this chair's got some speed.

Well, I don't have
a flamethrower

or some sort of
extreme Jeep that a child

definitely shouldn't be driving,

but looks like we're faxing

these bastards to hell.

Welp, there's no spare.

Looks like we're gonna
have to get there on foot.

Actually, Wolf, we don't want
to go to Hospital Tent One

'cause we've decided to get
you to Hospital Tent Three

to apologize to Honeybee.

- Really? You all want to help me?
- (all agreeing)

But Hospital Tent
Three is pretty far away,

and if any of us get
bitten by a dinosaur,

we're out for the day. No,
no, I can't let you do that.

It's what we've all
learned from action movies.

A bunch of us are
gonna have to die

so that the lead guy
can say sorry to his wife.

All right, everybody, keep
Wolf in the middle of the pack.

He needs to make it to Honeybee,

even if the rest of us do end
up saying our final bazingas

and experience a human
version of the Big Bang.

Hey, does anyone hear,
like, a weird, flapping sound?

-(flapping) -Mm, I had
flapjacks this morning.

It could be them
passing through me.

(screams) Pterodactyl bite!

JUDY: Everybody run!

- (others panting)
- Oh, I die now.

Miss you. Keep in touch.

Absolutely. I'm on Myspace.

Guys, don't let any of the
pterodactyls touch Wolf.

No! (grunts)

- Santiago!
- He's gone, Wolf.

It is an honor to
die for you, Wolf.

Papa, is that you?

It's me. Your little Go-go.

-(panting) -That
way, into the woods.

Ah, this is nice, isn't it?

It is, but what if we
actually ride these bikes?

I... I...

- Can't ride a bike?
- Correct.

Did the way I wasn't
riding it at all give me away?

Kind of. I'll admit,
I'm surprised.

You know how to do everything.

When I was a kid, my parents
were a bit... what's the word?

Completely absent,

and because of that, I missed
out on a few normal things,

like learning to ride a bike.

I also ate with a
bib until I turned 16.

How about I teach
you how to ride a bike?

And in exchange, you
can teach me something

I don't know how to do.

I've always wanted to teach
someone how to make a band saw

from recycled parts.

Mm, we'll think of something.

Now, the first
thing you want to do

is just get one foot on a pedal.

And the second
thing is just fall over.

You're doing great.

Whoa, you're getting a lot

done in here. You
want to take a break?

Tell me about your
favorite dinosaur?

It's Allosaurus.
Carnivorous theropod,

strong muscular tail,
a predator's predator.

But with all due respect, sir,

the only dinosaur I
care about right now

is this antiquated
filing system.

I'll let you get
back to it then.

Uh, you can leave
that soda, too.

One was for me.

Got to keep my strength
for all this office fighting,

- so I'll need them both, sir.
- Okay.

Oh, and be a lamb and grab me
all the packages of gummy worms

- from the vending machine.
- All right.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Once upon a time,
I was into traps ♪

♪ Now my itchy
fingers just got to fax ♪

♪ I thought nature
was where my heart is ♪

♪ But that was
before I changed ♪

♪ A printer cartridge ♪

♪ Oh, paperwork makes
the world go round ♪

♪ I'm the one with the
stapler, you better bow down ♪

♪ I thought it was the
outdoors that brought me joy ♪

♪ And now I know I'm
a true blue office boy ♪

♪ A true blue office boy. ♪

There might be some
dinosaurs in the mall,

but if we can cut through,
we'll save some time,

and then it's a straight
shot to Hospital Tent Three.

Okay, looks like there's just

Gill's little golf
cart Brontosaurus,

so we'll just wait until

he goes around the
corner and then run.

Whee!

Wolf, we couldn't get Gill to
chase us if we wanted him to.

Let's just go.

Okay, I'm gonna
push you a little bit.

I'll hold on until you
get the hang of it.

You promise you won't
let go? You promise?

Of course I promise.

This is amazing.

It's like driving really slow,
but with a lot more effort.

Okay, Beef, I'm letting go now.

What? No. You
promised. Jerry, no.

- You can do it, Beef.
- Whoa.

Uh-oh, here I go. (grunts)

Oop. No, you can't.
All right, let's try again.

Okay, but this time, you
promise you won't let go?

Of course I promise.

And are you lying
to me about that?

Of course I'm lying.

- So, Doctor, does it ever get easier?
- What do you mean?

Oh, no, when I say
that, your line is,

"We don't do this
because it's easy."

Uh, I'm not gonna say that.

Excuse me, Dr. Callahan, I
don't mean to bother you at lunch,

but we've got a few
people coming in

- who are actually sick.
- What do you mean?

Well, they have
pretend dinosaur injuries,

but they're really
throwing up, like a lot,

like a disgusting
amount, like, I don't...

Can you hear that
going on back there?

All right, Honeybee,
Delmer, you're with me.

This is what I'm talking about.

A little drama to get
me out of my head

about my storyline at home.

Oh, Jarvis, do you
want my macaroni salad?

50cc's of macaroni salad are
just what the doctor ordered.

DR. CALLAHAN: No, it isn't.

Well, something inside you

is really acting the
maggot, eh, lad?

(groans) Does that
mean diarrhea in British?

Junkyard Kyle, where
were you coming from?

OJJ and I were running
dinosaur victims back and forth

- all morning, then I threw up.
- Hmm.

Did you guys do
anything abnormal today?

Did you drink out of a puddle?
Did you eat lunch together?

(groans) Nope, nope, yup.

Wait, what was that yup? I
lost track of my own questions.

VOLUNTEER: Doctor, we have
three more barfers over here.

We're on our way.
I'll charge the paddles.

Absolutely not.

JUDY: All right, Wolf,

next thing you know, you'll
be saying sorry to Honeybee.

Hope I don't have to fight
that handsome doctor for her.

What if he knows
how to do a crane kick?

- It's impossible to defend.
- (all gasp)

JUDY: The Lone Moose
Roller Blading Club.

Run!

(all panting)

Take the stairs,
take the stairs.

(yells)

There's an employees-only
exit this way. Hurry.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Well, who's this chubby fella?

(all scream)

Quick, uh, somebody ball
yourself up like a meteor,

and I'll throw you at him.

(all screaming)

(yells)

Wolf, get out. Go to Honeybee.

But what if you die?

This isn't real, but
your marriage is.

Oh, right. Cool. Yeah,
yeah, thanks, bye.

-(screaming) -Ah,
the satisfied screams

of helping somebody else.

I finally get it.

All those things
are like riding a bike.

- (giggles) -(screams)
- Wolf?

Jerry? Dad.
You're riding a bike.

I prefer the term "a'cruisin',"

but, yes, son. Wait, what
are you doing out here?

Dad, Honeybee and I
got into our first fight,

so I'm going to the hospital,
so I can say I'm sorry

before she leaves me for the
Irish charms of Dr. Callahan.

If you want to get to
the hospital quicker,

I can give you a
ride on my bike.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hop on.

Wait, son, the rules.

If you touch that
dinosaur, you'll be dead.

I'm not gonna touch
the dinosaur, Dad.

I'm gonna ride it, which, yes,
is a form of touching, totally,

but screw it. I got a
marriage to save. Let's ride.

You two go ahead. I'll
maintain this leisurely velocity

and meet you there
in about three hours.

(giggles)

I'm barely moving. I've
never felt more alive!

(laughs)

Oh, God, everyone's barfing.

Hmm... There's something about
these cases that's bothering me.

It's like the charts
are saying "Sillian,"

but my gut is saying "Killian."

(groans) Oh, God.

The macaroni's coming out
of me, upstairs and downstairs.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

(gasps) Oh, my
God, Dr. Callahan,

that's it, macaroni.

Everyone's throwing
up the macaroni salad

from the food truck.

- Dear God.
- I love the way you said that.

I have chills, but we have got
to shut down that food truck.

WOLF: Thanks, Jerry.

Macaroni salad?
Don't mind if I do.

- Honeybee.
- Wolf? What're you doing here?

I rode your brother
here to tell you

that I'm so sorry
about this morning.

I was such a Fool Hand Luke
for not apologizing right away.

I love you, and I'm sorry,

and please don't
leave me for Doctor...

Oh, I'm being so rude. I'm Wolf.

Pleasure to meet
you. Dr. Callahan.

Wow, that's crazy. There's
another Irish Dr. Callahan

at this same hospital,
but he's smoking hot...

- No. Don't. (sighs)
- and has a bunch of abs

- and a real nice butt and can do a crane kick.
- Mm-mm. Nope.

Uh, this is him.

Okay, I actually
can do a crane kick.

Anyway, sweetie, I don't
want to fight anymore.

In fact, I promise you, I'll
never argue with you again.

Wolf, babe,
that's not realistic.

If we're gonna be
together forever,

we're gonna fight
sometimes, but, yeah,

you should've admitted
you were wrong,

and I shouldn't have left
in a huff. That was my bad,

but couples fight, and
then they process things,

maybe blow off some steam

by driving around listening to
Santana featuring Rob Thomas.

- How'd you know I did that?
- Because I know you, Wolf.

And because you
listen to that song a lot.

Like, a lot.

But after couples
fight, they make up,

like we're making up right now.

Ah, young love. Reminds
me of me sweet Saoirse,

before we had our two
sons, Domhnall and Cillian.

- Look. See?
- Yup. Got it.

Now, how about giving me a
Hugh? That's how I pronounce hug.

- (retching)
- Ew!

Oh, my God. Ah! The food
truck. I let my personal storyline

distract me from
my work storyline.

Oh, no, we're too late.

Not to worry. I'll
just make a call. Stat.

(gasps) Uh-oh. Looks like we
got a code friend on our hands.

Hey, you found her. And I found
a big old cup of macaroni salad.

BOTH (distorted): No!

JERRY: I was eating that.

Was that not clear?

Wow, Honeybee. You
saved your brother's life.

Did she?

Wolf, does it ever get easier?

We don't do this
'cause it's easy.

Doctor, I think we're
gonna have to rendezvous

in the dimly lit break room.

Okay, but I still think
you guys could apologize

for knocking the macaroni
salad out of my hands.

I was pretty hungry.

Guys? Guys.

Well, I'm sorry you
guys got eaten today

and ended your survival streak.

That's okay, Dad. Honestly,
if I'd known the morgue tent

had Wi-Fi and multiple
charcuterie plates,

I would've let myself die

a horrible death
years ago. (laughs)

Moon Tobin,

in honor of your
contribution to Disaster Day,

I present to you the
best tool we have

in our arsenal to
fight dinosaurs.

Thank you, sir. And
if you ever need me,

you know where to call,
my house. Call my house.

What was that all about?

Oh, Dad,

I have so much to
tell you about filing.

HONEYBEE: ♪ All you
doctors get to the OR quick ♪

-♪ Put the patient on the gurney,
don't miss ♪ -♪ Don't miss ♪

♪ All you nurses
start another IV drip ♪

♪ Charge the paddles
while I yell stat, like that ♪

♪ 'Cause he's having
a heart attack ♪

♪ The line is flat, get back ♪

♪ Clear ♪

♪ That's when I holler
stat, quickly, I need ♪

♪ 50cc's, no time for
thank you or please ♪

♪ No time for thank
you or please, please ♪

♪ If someone stepped
on a Hot Wheels track ♪

♪ The doctor comes running,
and we'll fix it like that ♪

- ♪ Uh-oh ♪
- ♪ You know ♪

♪ This patient's about to blow ♪

♪ So, I yell stat ♪

- (monitor flatlining)
- ♪ Oh, snap ♪

♪ I guess it
Honeybees like that. ♪